Brief Summary
This video by Adete Dahiya discusses common struggles people face in conversations and provides practical, psychology-backed solutions to improve communication skills. It covers issues like running out of things to say, exiting conversations gracefully, language barriers, oversharing/undersharing, monopolizing conversations, misreading social cues, emotional triggers, feeling boring, disinterest, fatigue, fear of offending, excessive excitement, and ego problems. The video aims to help viewers transform their communication, build better connections, and gain the respect they deserve.
- Learn to use anchor points like the FORD framework (Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams) and conversational threads to keep conversations flowing.
- Practice graceful exit lines and remember you don't owe anyone unlimited access to your time.
- Focus on clarity over perfection when dealing with language barriers and prioritize connection.
- Mirror the other person's energy, use the sliding door approach, and share to connect, not just to unload.
- Check your balance in conversations, use the loop-back rule, and lead with curiosity.
- Tune into body language, listen for conversational reciprocity, and take pauses to avoid emotional triggers.
- Focus on being interested rather than interesting, and consume interesting content to fuel your own interest tank.
- Set internal boundaries to manage your energy, and don't be afraid to lead with intention and use disclaimers to avoid offending others.
- Flip the script on ego-driven reluctance to initiate conversations and view it as a power move.
Intro
Adete Dahiya introduces the video's focus on improving conversational skills, highlighting how effective communication can positively impact various aspects of life. She mentions that the video addresses common problems people face during conversations, gathered from various people's experiences. The video promises practical, psychology-backed solutions to these problems, aiming to transform viewers' communication skills, make them more memorable, and help them gain respect and opportunities.
Running out of things to say
The most common problem is running out of things to say, leading to awkward silences. This often happens due to cognitive overload and perfection paralysis, where nervousness and the pressure to say the right thing hinder creative thinking. To solve this, use anchor points like the FORD framework (Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams) to pivot the conversation to safe and interesting topics. Another method is using conversational threads, where each sentence or insight provides a tangent to explore. Also, keep a mental list of conversation prompts to ignite deeper discussions.
Exiting a conversation
Many people struggle with exiting conversations politely, as they are not taught how to do so. This can lead to resentment or fatigue. To solve this, have graceful exit lines ready, such as "I need to go to the washroom" or "It's been lovely chatting, but I'm going to mingle." You can also put the onus on the other person by saying, "I don't want to keep you from other people." Remember, you don't owe anyone unlimited access to your time, and a good conversation is measured by its pleasantness and respectfulness, not its length.
Language barrier
A common problem is not having a good command of the language, usually English, leading to feelings of limitation and embarrassment. This often stems from fear of judgment. Focus on clarity, not perfection, and prioritize communicating your point clearly. If necessary, use another language that everyone understands. Acknowledge your language limitations and practice speaking regularly, read more books, and watch content in the language you're trying to improve. Confidence in communication comes from connection, not perfection.
Oversharing or Under sharing
Both oversharing and undersharing can make conversations feel imbalanced and awkward. Oversharing comes from a desire to bond quickly, while undersharing stems from fear of judgment or shyness. Great conversations are about balance, connection, and flow. Mirror the other person's energy and use the sliding door approach, giving them an open-ended cue to decide if they want to explore a particular topic. Share to connect, not to unload your feelings or keep everything inside. Ask yourself why the conversation is important and how you can best connect with the other person.
Monopolizing the convo
Monopolizing the conversation, often unintentional, can make others feel disconnected. To avoid this, check your balance by reminding yourself if you've been speaking more than listening. Use the loop-back rule, inviting others to chime in. Avoid turning every story into a personal competition. Remember, conversations are about building connection and sharing vulnerable parts of yourself. Lead with curiosity, focusing on being interested rather than interesting.
Misreading social cues
Misreading social cues is a common issue. Pay attention to body language and tone, as not everyone will directly express disengagement. Watch out for quick replies, lack of follow-up questions, fidgeting, and distracted glances. If these cues are present, wean off the conversation or change the topic. Listen for conversational reciprocity, ensuring the other person is responding with the same energy. Develop your social radar and reflect on whether the conversation felt like a two-way exchange.
Getting emotionally triggered
Getting emotionally triggered can block communication. When triggered, we stop listening to understand and start reacting. Take a pause before reacting, taking three breaths. Ask for clarity instead of lashing out. Remember, you have the power to choose how you respond. Avoid assuming bad intent and ask for clarification. If the conversation becomes too charged, wrap it up.
Feeling Boring
Feeling boring is a common fear. This feeling doesn't mean you're boring; it usually means you're judging yourself too harshly. People remember how you made them feel more than what you said. Stop trying to be interesting and focus on being interested. Ask questions that go beyond the usual and make people light up when they talk about what matters to them. Be the most engaged person in the room and consume interesting content to fuel your own interest tank.
Disinterest in the conversation
Feeling bored in a conversation can happen even if the other person isn't boring. It might be due to your mental capacity or the type of conversation. Politely excuse yourself or steer the conversation to a deeper topic that interests you. It's okay to not want to converse if the conversation doesn't spark your interest.
Getting tired easily
Feeling tired after a conversation can be due to energy management, especially for introverted individuals. Set internal boundaries before starting a conversation, deciding how long you can be fully present. Permit yourself to take a break when you reach your limit. Use check-ins to ground yourself and stay present. It's okay to not give 100% of your energy to every conversation; sometimes 60% or 40% is enough.
Fear of offending others
Holding back in conversations due to fear of offending others can feel suffocating. Lead with intention, giving disclaimers beforehand when discussing sensitive subjects. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements to speak from your own experience. If someone says something you disagree with, ask for clarification instead of using accusatory language. Be direct while still being gentle, and don't undermine yourself just to be kind.
Getting too excited
Getting too excited or aggressive while making a point can overwhelm others. Pause between sentences, taking a deep breath before speaking. Match the other person's energy. If you notice yourself becoming aggressive, acknowledge it by saying, "Sorry, I get excited about this topic, please don't mind." This honesty softens the intensity.
Being too egoistical
Ego can hinder conversations, especially when people are reluctant to initiate them due to fear of rejection. Flip the script and see initiating a conversation as a power move, showing leadership and social fluency. Use simple openers like "Hey, I don't think we've met properly" or "Hey, that's a cool outfit, where's that from?" The point is to be open to having a conversation, not to be impressive. Every conversation starts with someone willing to go first, so why not you?
