Brief Summary
Hunter, a 26-year-old caller, seeks advice on how to handle her sisters' financial dependence after she and her husband broke free from paycheck-to-paycheck living. The Ramsey Show hosts advise her to stop enabling her sisters, set boundaries, and offer help only if they commit to financial education and budgeting. They emphasize that giving without stipulations harms her sisters and that Hunter has no obligation to support their misbehavior.
- Stop enabling sisters
- Set boundaries
- Offer help only if they commit to financial education
Hunter from Greenville, South Carolina, shares her situation of being the financially responsible sibling in a family with a history of poor financial habits. She and her husband successfully paid off their debt and are saving for a house, while her sisters remain stuck in a cycle of debt and dependence, frequently asking her for financial assistance.
Hunter explains that she and her husband followed the baby steps and got out of debt two years ago. However, her sisters are still living paycheck to paycheck and constantly need financial help. She has given her sisters $1,500 over the last three months and is seeking advice on when enough is enough and whether it's appropriate to set conditions when giving money to family.
The hosts suggest that Hunter's giving is driven more by a sense of obligation or guilt than by genuine need. Hunter admits that she comes from an emotionally manipulative family and feels responsible for her sisters' struggles because she found a way out while they were "let down."
One of the hosts uses an analogy of running miles for someone to illustrate that Hunter can't fix her sisters' financial problems for them. He recommends that Hunter and her husband cut off financial support, which might involve sending an email stating they will no longer provide assistance in this way. He emphasizes that Hunter needs to prioritize her own well-being and financial goals.
Dave Ramsey asserts that Hunter has no moral or spiritual obligation to support her siblings' misbehavior. He declares, "I set you free right now. It's not your job." He emphasizes that it's hard to watch loved ones make poor choices, especially since they recently bought a house against her advice.
The hosts point out that Hunter is enabling her sisters by giving them money without any conditions. They use the analogy of giving a drink to an alcoholic to illustrate how her actions are harmful. They stress that loving someone well requires setting boundaries and stipulations, not for Hunter's sake, but for her sisters' benefit.
The hosts explain that Hunter's reluctance to say no or set stipulations stems from a desire to avoid conflict and manipulation. They warn her that when she draws this boundary, her sisters will likely react negatively, attempting to guilt or shame her.
The hosts advise Hunter to be loving, kind, and gentle while setting boundaries. She could offer to help her sisters if they complete Financial Peace University and allow her to participate in their budgeting and debt-reduction process. Alternatively, she could simply state that she can no longer provide financial assistance because she feels it's harming them.
The hosts emphasize that if her sisters' relationship with Hunter is contingent on receiving money, it's not a genuine relationship. They suggest that after Hunter achieves her own financial goals, she might be in a better position to help, but she needs to heal from the inside out first. The key takeaway is that it's okay for Hunter to say no.
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Transcript
Full transcript of “Family Keeps Asking For Money and I Can't Say "No!"”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 [Music] hunter is with us in greenville south carolina hi hunter how are you um right now i'm nervous because i didn't think that i would actually get through today how are you guys well we're honored to speak with you how can we help yeah um so i come from a family where financial literacy wasn't really taught we didn't talk about money we saw parents put everything on credit cards live on debt paycheck paycheck um that changed when my husband and i got married we went through the baby steps um we paid off all of our debt two years ago and we're currently saving for a house down payment right now good for you um you broke the change yeah where'd it go yeah yeah unfortunately my sisters
0:46 are all still kind of stuck in that living paycheck to paycheck living in debt and we find ourselves constantly bailing them out and even today one of my sisters called me in tears asking for money and um they're in a really deep hole and so of course i have this is the third time we've bailed her out and given 1500 over the last three months to some of my sisters to build them out um and so i'm just trying to find the balance of like when's enough enough is it okay to put stipulations when you're giving money to family like hey i'm gonna give you this but like i wanna i wanna sit down and do a budget with you or it's like that overstepping i don't know that's kind of my question i'm looking for advice and guidance how old are you
1:32 um i'm 26. how many sisters three i have three sisters two older sisters and one younger sister okay um hunter i i'll let dave answer the the back into this but it sounds like you're giving money less because they need it and more you feel like you have to whether that's from a place of guilt you quote unquote got out or you just feel like it's your job am i am i right i would say that's true i definitely come from like an emotionally manipulative family i don't really have too much to do with like my parents and things like that too much anymore um and i don't know i guess i feel a sense of responsibility for them because like i see where we were kind of let down and i found a way out i guess maybe um i don't know i just i don't want to
2:18 see them struggle and yeah nobody wants to see somebody they love struggle and at the same time um you can't help her be in better shape by running her miles for her yeah you can help with a workout plan you can call and check up on her and see how her workouts are going you all can run together but she won't lose weight when you don't eat that's right you can't run her miles for her so my recommendation listening just and this is not for everybody this is just listening to you is that you and your husband stop cut it off and that may be an email that says we're no longer going to support in this way but right now you need to get okay with you and you're not there yet and giving letting that money leave to try to help you is different than i see a need i'm
3:04 going to go meet that need right now you're trying to meet your own needs right and then dave you you've you've taught me a lot about stipulation it's your money to give right you can put over stipulation on it you want to because it's your money you have absolutely zero moral or spiritual obligation for a sibling who is misbehaving yeah none i set you free right now it's not your job yeah it's hard to watch it's very hard to watch people you love be stupid yeah they like just bought a house they just bought a house and like i invite like they came to me for advice i'm making their budget to buy the house and i was like look i really don't think this is in y'all's budget
3:50 because before when we bailed them out we did you know i said i thought they went against your advice and bought something they couldn't afford and then last week they came to you for money yeah well today they came to me for money but yeah did you give it to them today um i did send her money today and i told them i was like oh i want to sit down with both of you guys this time because like you can't do it on your own like you and your husband have to be in on this and he doesn't even need to sit down so he doesn't have one because you keep giving money yeah she doesn't have a need to sit down yeah yeah that's true so not because it's the right thing to do morally because you are a classic enabler yeah you enablers don't put stipulations on
4:38 giving a drunk a drink okay now there's nothing morally wrong with giving the guy who says we'll work for food money at the corner because he's in a hard time that's fine but if we wanted to love him better we would stop take the time which takes more time to love someone well it's more inconvenient and we would walk him over to mcdonald's and buy him a meal if he would go no if he really will work for tell us tell us what's going on he may just flip you off and tell you to get off his corner but um in which case you know i think we found out the real deal right which it's some of both when the guy's standing out there with a sign and so you want to love people that are hurting well uh but loving them well does require
5:24 stipulations it does require boundaries not for you and not because it's the law but because what is good for her what you've been doing has not been good for her you've been financing her crazy butt life it's not been good for her you've been giving a drunk a drink you've been harming your sister that makes sense yeah oh no it definitely makes sense your lack of courage to say no or not put stipulations on this because you felt somehow you felt better if you just gave her money she would go away without any kind of a conflict or without any kind of her mother's manipulation come your mother's manipulation coming out of your sister's mouth directed at your forehead
6:11 uh you didn't want to deal with all that and so you cheaped out and gave her money it's a make no mistake when you draw this boundary she's going to be pissed she's going to come run and bang up against that boundary and see if it holds yep and you are going to can't believe you're doing this to us we hate you oh you're miss goody two-shoe oh you're rich you got it all figured out yeah you forgot your raisin expect all of that and the pain and that is first what's wrong with you i can tell now that you married him right you're gonna hear all this bull crap redneck bull crap i can hear it right now doesn't mean it's wrong doesn't mean it's wrong okay yeah yeah i can say that because i know it well personally okay so uh not not not as a not putting somebody down not you anyway so anyway this is what's gonna happen the same stuff that
6:56 you distance yourself from your parents is what's gonna happen when you draw this boundary now what you can do though is just be loving and kind and gentle and say i would love to help you when you complete financial peace university and i get to see the budget that you two are doing together if i can participate in some of your getting out of debt process and you're getting in control we'll try to do that i am no longer going to give you money without you having done that though or what john said is okay too just to make sure you first get whole and you're doing this from strength just say you know what i would if i could but i can't right now i don't feel good about the way this is going i feel bad i feel like i'm bringing you harm and i just can't do it anymore i'm so sorry i
7:42 love you but i just can't give you money yeah and if she says well if you know if you really love me you give me money well listen if you have to buy your relationship that's called prostitution that's true it's not a real relationship yeah and so it you know that's that's the deal so if she puts a boundary on you that says the only way we have a relationship is money then we know how things do it so and after you get your house you you save up for your house you get it paid off i mean you get your down payment ready to rock and roll then you might be in a place to say okay let's sit down and have this conversation but you need to heal from the inside out too yeah it's okay to say no and you really really need to
