How To Win Friends & Influence People (in 20 Minutes)

0:03 Why do some people make friends easily?... people just like them, you like them.... but you're not sure why. Others don’t get noticed, don’t have many friends and find it tough to talk in difficult situations. A book written almost 90 years ago offers all the tools you need to: -Make people like you -Win people to your way of thinking -Change people without causing resentment and -Build lasting friendships. Not endless pages of theory, but actionable strategies you can start using in your next conversation. This is a summary of Dale Carnegie’s amazing book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Part One : Fundamental Techniques in handling someone. Principle 1 : If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the

0:49 beehive…..Don’t criticize, condemn or complain QUOTE “Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.” Dale Carnegie * "You're nothing but a liar." * "I can't believe you could do such a thing." * "You should be ashamed of yourself." * "You never think before you speak." * "You're so lazy." * "She's always on her phone, even during meetings." * "He never listens to anyone else's ideas." We all want to feel wanted and important. Criticizing someone is easy to do, but it is futile because it will always put people on the defensive, affect their self-esteem, and can even cause resentment. When the temptation to criticize someone arises, take a step back…. You may ask yourself. "What could be the reasons behind this person's actions or perspective that I might not be aware of?" This question encourages you to consider the other person's circumstances, background, and potential challenges they may be facing.

1:36 Rather than jumping to conclusions, try to consider the context of their behavior or decisions. The danger of criticism is that it can create resentment that simmers for years and surfaces at the worst time. Ultimately, the short-term reward isn't worth the long-term suffering. In a nutshell : Criticism will usually only result in you hurting someone's ego and may cause them to dislike you. Principle 2 : The Big Secret * "I'm really grateful for all the effort you put into this project." * "Thank you for always being there when I need you. *"Your support today really means a lot to the team" Getting someone to do something requires making them want to do it. People do things to feel appreciated or important, which is a deep human desire. If you can fulfill that need, people will love you. genuinely admire in others. Always ask yourself “What can I appreciate about this person”?

2:25 Remember that true appreciation is sincere and comes from the heart, not as a means to serve your own interests. Flattery, on the other hand, is insincere and should be avoided. Genuine Appreciation: "Your presentation was very interesting. I learned a lot from it." Flattery: "You're the best presenter I've ever seen." Genuine Appreciation: "Your hard work on this project has not gone unnoticed." Flattery: "You're the only one who could've pulled off such an amazing project." Genuine Appreciation: "I appreciate your consistent punctuality." Flattery: "You're the only one who's ever on time around here." Flattery is simply telling someone what they want to hear, while true appreciation comes from a genuine place of gratitude. Flattery often exaggerates or generalizes, potentially coming off as insincere.

3:10 Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want QUOTE “the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it." ” Every act every person performs is because of some desire -something they want. Therefore, if you’re smart, instead of talking in terms of what you want, always talk in terms of what your listener wants. Take a moment before speaking and ask yourself, “How Can I make this person want to do it?” Gary Vaynerchuk, the well known businessman and author spends most of a hiring interview trying to pinpoint exactly what the candidate desires. After he finds their true desire, he builds a vision for the candidate to use that desire to succeed. He explains to them how the company can help them reach their goals. He then gives them the opportunity to join the company and become part of the vision.

3:56 To achieve your own goals, focus on helping others achieve theirs. Talk about their desires and explain how your suggestions can help them achieve their goals. By unselfishly serving others, you can ultimately get what you want. QUOTE “The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.” Part Two : Six ways to make people like you. PRINCIPLE 1: Do this now, feel welcome everywhere QUOTE “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” When someone admires us, we become interested in them. Take the time and energy to do thoughtful, selfless things that matter to others, such as genuinely caring about them and their interests.

4:45 Being genuinely interested in someone can lead to more friendships in a short time than trying to get people interested in you can in a long time. In the end, we won't have many true, sincere friends if all we do is try to impress people and get them interested in us. Greeting people with enthusiasm and remembering people’s birthdays are two easy ways to make friends. It's more likely that someone will want to help you if you show genuine interest in them. PRINCIPLE 2: Something simple QUOTE “Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it” A smile is a friendly and warm way to make a good first impression Giving a smile makes the other person think to themselves… "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you." A smile is a powerful tool that can communicate goodwill, even when it is not seen in person,

5:34 such as over the phone. It can make a positive impact on everyone you come into contact with. Even strangers can appreciate your positive attitude. If you are feeling down, try to make yourself smile as it can improve your mood. Remember that happiness is not determined by external factors, such as what you have or who you are with. Rather, it is determined by how you think and feel internally about those things. Making a good first impression starts with a smile. PRINCIPLE 3 : Without this, you're destined for trouble QUOTE “A person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Names contain magic, and we should be aware of that. Our names hold a special place in our hearts, as they are truly ours, setting us apart from everyone else. The ability to remember names is crucial not only in the political arena, but also in business and

6:21 social engagements. Without a doubt, a person's own name is the sweetest sound they can hear. Sadly, when we encounter someone's name for the first time, many of us don't make the effort to commit it to memory or pronounce it correctly. As a result, we find ourselves feeling embarrassed upon the next encounter when we pronounce their name wrong or have to admit we forgot their name. memorizing names that is tailored to your way of doing things. It could be as simple as writing down the name the moment you hear it, having the person spell it out for you, creating an outlandish story in your mind that reminds you of their name or any number of other ways. Finding your own system for name recall is the key. PRINCIPLE 4 : Become a great conversationalist. It is human nature for our ego to crave an interested listener. Someone to share our life stories or accomplishments with. By providing an ear,

7:09 you become a cherished presence. Even the most antagonistic individuals can soften when met with empathetic listening, often diffusing their anger through the act of being heard. If you constantly talk about yourself, interrupt others, and disregard their thoughts, your popularity will likely diminish. The art of conversation demands more than just words; it requires the skill of attentive listening. Cultivate genuine curiosity about others and pose questions that they will enjoy answering. In a nutshell - Encourage people to talk about themselves, their experiences, their victories and don’t steer the conversation towards yourself. Save your own stories only for when others ask to hear them. They will consider you one of the best conversationalists they've ever met. PRINCIPLE 5 : How to interest people QUOTE “To be interesting, be interested.”

7:56 Theodore Roosevelt was famous for his ability to talk about topics that interested his guests. In the evenings prior to social events, Roosevelt spent hours reading about topics he knew would be of interest to his guests. First, find out what the other party is interested in, and then talk about that. If you are not asked about your own interests, don't mention them. Time and effort should be devoted to prior research on topics of interest. Communicating with people about their values allows you to gain closer connection and a deeper understanding of them. In a nutshell, talk about the things of most importance to them, not to you. PRINCIPLE 6 : Make people like you instantly QUOTE “There is one all-important law of human conduct…Always make the other person feel important” One of the most fulfilling experiences is to help others without expecting anything

8:42 in return. When we make others feel valued, they eagerly anticipate our interaction. Sincere appreciation has a remarkable impact. Small acts of kindness and polite phrases like "I’m sorry to trouble you," or "Would you mind..." go a long way and leave a lasting positive impression. To make people like you : Never look down on others - Even if you are the CEO of a fortune 500 company Recognize that the taxi driver or the waitress have strengths that surpass your own in some way. Make everyone feel important - Acknowledge and celebrate this uniqueness in others; such genuine recognition fosters a positive response. "Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours." - Disraeli.

9:28 Part Three : How to win people to your way of thinking PRINCIPLE 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. QUOTE “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” -Dale Carnegie Arguments anchor people in their opinions, causing negative feelings. Winning an argument often means losing the other person's goodwill. When a person is forced against their will, the same opinion remains in their minds. Here are some suggestions to avoid turning a disagreement into an argument; 1. Welcome the disagreement. Use it as an opportunity to learn something new. 2. Resist being defensive. 3. Don't lose your temper. 4. Listen first then respond. 5. Look for things that you can agree upon. Emotions in the moment can create unwanted outcomes.

10:14 For that reason, putting a barrier of time between the disagreement and discussing the problem is always preferable. Organize to have the discussion at a later time or the next day. In preparation, ask yourself the following questions: * Is it possible that my counterpart is right? * Does their position have any truth to it? * Will I react in a way that solves the problem, or will it just relieve my frustration? * Will this discussion push them away or draw them closer to me? * Is it worth it to me if I “win” this argument? Or is it just my ego interfering? PRINCIPLE 2: Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’ QUOTE “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.” -Galileo If you want a way to strike a direct blow to someone’s intelligence or ego, highlight their mistakes and tell them directly they are wrong.

11:02 You should always avoid directly telling someone they are wrong. Instead use phrases like "I could be mistaken here, it happens often. Let's review the facts.” Here you have taken the spotlight off them and onto the facts. People will be more open minded to discussion rather than trying to defend their ego. Be mindful that your gestures or the intonation of your voice can equally convey a message of “You’re wrong” just as words can. QUOTE “When we are dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.” -Dale Carnegie Most people are influenced by their biases rather than logic. They are often resistant to changing their beliefs. Discrediting someone's opinions can strip them of their self-worth and make you an unwelcome presence in their life.

11:51 PRINCIPLE 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly. Admitting one's mistakes quickly and clearly not only prevents potential conflict but also earns respect from others. If you expect negative feedback, it's better to take the initiative and admit your mistake honestly, rather than having someone else do it. Most people will be quick to reassure you that this is not a major problem at all. Think of admitting your mistakes like a safety valve in a pressure cooker. When the pressure builds up (conflict arises), releasing the valve (admitting your mistake) can prevent an explosion (escalation of the conflict). PRINCIPLE 4: Begin in a friendly way. QUOTE “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall”. -Abraham Lincoln If someone is very angry with you, engaging them in a head-on in conflict will only cause them to become more defensive and hostile. If YOU are the angry one, unloading your feelings will feel good in the short term,

12:38 but will not fix the problem. During moments of emotional tension, trying to use logical arguments will not work, However, if you opt for a calm and gentle approach, you will soon discover that they become more receptive and open to discussing the issue. You may say something like: “We do not see eye to eye, but I’m sure if we take a moment to discuss our differences we will probably find that we only disagree on a few small things and we agree on everything else ” PRINCIPLE 5: Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately. QUOTE “...it doesn’t pay to argue ….it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying ‘yes, yes’” -Dale Carnegie Using the power of "yes" in conversations can create a sense of openness and acceptance in your counterpart, resulting in a positive neuro-muscular

13:24 response. This is in stark contrast to the defensive stance invoked by saying "No". If someone begins with No - their whole body and mind is set to rejection and defensive mode. Therefore, the goal should be to avoid beginning any discussion with your differences. This can be achieved by employing the Socratic method, a technique that starts the dialogue from common ground and gradually moves to unfamiliar territory. It starts with asking a series of simple, agreeable questions to establish a "yes" momentum. Can we agree that X? Yes. Is it fair to say Y? Yes. Getting a yes momentum increases your chances of open communication once the discussion reaches topics of conflict. PRINCIPLE 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. QUOTE “I discovered,

14:10 quite by accident, how richly it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking.” -Dale Carnegie When someone complains or brings a problem to you, let them do all the talking. With an open mind, listen patiently to what they have to say, and encourage them to express themselves fully - they will often talk themselves into a solution. Most successful people enjoy talking about their early struggles. Let them share their stories with you, be an interested audience, and they'll grow to like you. Friends prefer discussing their achievements. When friends outperform us, they feel important; when we outperform them, they feel inferior or envious. Speak less about yourself, listen more to your associates, and they'll appreciate your presence. PRINCIPLE 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs. QUOTE “No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold

14:58 something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas” -Dale Carnegie When we discover ideas for ourselves, we tend to have a higher level of trust in them. Instead of offering up a brilliant solution, suggest an idea and let the other person decide for themselves. Whenever possible, let the other person take credit for the idea, as this will lead to better results. PRINCIPLE 8: Try to see things from the other person’s point of view. QUOTE “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” -Dale Carnegie The ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes is essential for dealing with them successfully. Take a moment to consider the other person's perspective when you next ask

15:44 them to do something. If you can present your idea in those terms rather than from your viewpoint, your chances of success are much higher. Here are some examples “Son, I know you’ve had a long day at college and just want to relax, but if you could help me do dishes and take out the trash, that will give us both more time to watch that movie you wanted to check out and I would greatly appreciate it” “ Hey Stacey, I understand how intimidating it can be to speak up and answer questions in front of the whole class, I was the same when I was your age - but how about next class we start small, let’s try to answer just one question per class, sound fair? “ PRINCIPLE 9: Give people sympathy It is everyone's most basic desire to feel understood and accepted. Most people are a product of their environment with flaws that are out of their control.

16:32 The following is a great phrase for reducing ill feelings and making people feel comfortable. "I don’t blame you one iota for feeling the way you do. If I were in your shoes, I would no doubt feel exactly the same way". People crave sympathy. They will love you for it if you give it to them. PRINCIPLE 10: Appeal to nobler motives. When seeking to influence or persuade others, appealing to their nobler motives and treating them with respect can yield positive results. Knowing that individuals have a high regard for themselves and like to be seen as respectable, fair and unselfish, you can frame your arguments in a way that aligns with their values and ideals. Here is a bad example “Jane, Can you handle 5 more client calls each week?” Here is a good example "I think it would be fair if we rotated who handles the client calls. This way,

17:20 everyone gets an equal share of the workload and no one feels overwhelmed. What do you think?" PRINCIPLE 11: Dramatize your ideas. QUOTE “Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. You have to use showmanship.” -Dale Carnegie Make your ideas memorable by dramatizing them creatively. The difference is immense. For instance, when persuading a friend to join a hiking trip, show them stunning photos or videos from previous hikes to ignite their interest. When discussing a new project with a team member, use visual aids like diagrams or prototypes to help them better understand the vision and become more enthusiastic. Remember, engaging the senses and emotions of others through visuals and storytelling can make your message more captivating and relatable.

18:07 PRINCIPLE 12: Throw down a challenge. Money and other external factors may not be as motivating as the work itself. Ultimately, the desire to excel and the challenge of competition drive successful individuals. When faced with unproductive workers, Charles Schwab used a unique strategy to improve their performance. He asked a factory manager how many products his shift had produced, and upon hearing "six," Schwab chalked a large "6" on the floor. The night shift, seeing the number, aimed to surpass it and changed it to a "7." This led to a competition between shifts, resulting in increased productivity. Part 4 - Nine Principles for Leadership & how to change people without causing resentment

18:53 1. Begin with Praise: Start with sincere praise and appreciation. This makes people more open to constructive criticism. "Your report was really well-researched. One small improvement here could make it even better." 2. Indirect Criticism: Highlight mistakes indirectly. Replace "but" with "and" to keep the conversation positive and constructive. Hearing the word but changes people’s mindset. "We’re very proud of you Brad, but if you worked harder you could get much better grades" Try instead "We’re very proud of you Brad and if you continue trying your best your grades will get up to the level they should be”. Small changes in our language can make a big difference. 3. Admit Your Own Mistakes: When giving criticism, share your own mistakes first. This creates a cooperative atmosphere and makes others more open to advice.

19:42 "Believe me - When I was your age I struggled with meeting deadlines. Here’s a strategy that helped me, and it might work for you too." 4. Suggest, Don’t Order: Frame your requests as suggestions rather than orders. Instead of “Do this….and Do that” Try "Do you think we could try X?" “Would it be better to X….. I suggest we try X…. Suggestions promote creativity and cooperation. 5. Let Others Save Face: Consider others' feelings and allow them to save face if mistakes arise. Don’t make an example of them in front of their peers. "I noticed some small errors in the document. Maybe we can review it together after the meeting to make it perfect." 6. Heartfelt Praise: If you find improvements,

20:28 be generous with your praise. This motivates people and helps them thrive. You can Use phrases like: "Wow you have really improved in this area. Keep up the great work!" 7. Give a Good Reputation: Assign a fine reputation to live up to. People often strive to meet the expectations set for them. For example if you want a project completed on time and without mistakes you may say something like: "I’ve always admired your attention to detail and timeliness with deadlines. This project could really benefit from those strengths of yours." 8. Encourage and Simplify: Use encouragement to make faults seem easy to correct. Show faith in others’ abilities to inspire them to improve. "I believe you have a natural talent for this. With a bit more practice you’ll master it in no time" 9. Make Them Glad:

21:15 Make others happy to do what you suggest. Highlight how changes will benefit them. "I think this approach could really benefit the team and once it is complete it will make your workload much easier. What do you think?" By integrating these 9 principles, you can lead effectively, create a positive and productive environment and change people’s opinions without causing resentment. If you enjoyed this summary of How to Win Friends and Influence People, check out some of our other summaries here.