Brief Summary
In this commencement speech, Jay Shetty encourages the Princeton University Class of 2025 to prioritize inner fulfillment over external validation. He shares personal anecdotes of facing self-doubt and societal pressures, emphasizing the importance of "disappearing" to focus on personal growth and values. Shetty outlines four critical decisions in life: self-perception, choosing a partner, finding meaning in work, and serving humanity, advocating for ambition in both gaining success and losing the need for external approval.
- Prioritize inner fulfillment over external validation.
- Focus on personal growth and values by "disappearing".
- Make conscious decisions about self-perception, love, work, and service to humanity.
Introduction and Congratulations
Jay Shetty addresses the graduating class of 2025, along with board members, President Eisuber, class government, and the class day committee, expressing his gratitude for the honor of speaking. He acknowledges the challenges the students have overcome, such as navigating academic pressures, surviving precept, Dean's date, and technical difficulties, and humorously notes their ability to interpret cryptic emails from Nassau Hall. Shetty congratulates the students on their achievement, recognizing them as bright minds dedicated to service.
Confession and Early Experiences
Shetty confesses that he didn't attend his own graduation because he chose to become a monk, a decision that initially concerned his parents. Growing up, he faced the typical expectations of an Indian immigrant: to become a doctor, a lawyer, or be seen as a failure. He shares a vulnerable memory of his first public speaking experience at age eight, where he forgot his lines and was led off stage in tears, highlighting his long-standing struggle with self-doubt and the fear of others' opinions.
The Trap of External Validation
Shetty reflects on various rejections and career changes, always battling the fear of what others would think. He references Charles Horton Cooley's quote, "I am not what I think I am. I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am," to illustrate how we often live in a perception of a perception, driven by external validation. He warns against the pressure to constantly broadcast achievements and seek approval, as the world tends to reward what is impressive.
The Power of Disappearing
Shetty advises the graduates to "disappear," not in a literal sense, but to focus on doing the work in private, building something that speaks for itself without the need for constant public validation. He emphasizes valuing personal beliefs over others' opinions, as a life that feels good is more important than one that merely looks or sounds good. He shares his own experiences of disappearing, first as a monk and then when he left his consulting job, to pursue his passion, initially facing empty rooms and numerous rejections.
Examples of Success Through Invisibility
Shetty provides examples of successful individuals who disappeared to hone their craft: Kobe Bryant practicing at 4:00 a.m., Warren Buffett studying financial statements in solitude, Lady Gaga performing in small dive bars, Sarah Blakeley keeping her Spanx idea secret, Christopher Nolan spending a decade writing Inception, and Steven Spielberg making short films in his garage. He underscores that these individuals trained and built without broadcasting, working in silence to achieve significant success.
Losing to Gain: An Ancient Story
Shetty acknowledges the difficulty of disappearing in a world obsessed with visibility and encourages stepping off stage as often as possible. He shares an ancient story of the Buddha, who meditates not for what he gains, but for what he loses: anxiety, insecurity, doubt, and fear. He urges the graduates to be ambitious about what they want to lose, such as the need for approval, the obsession with comparison, and the fear of not being enough, as these losses lead to true fulfillment.
The Cure for Envy: Study
Shetty highlights the importance of losing envy, which distracts from what one already has and can damage relationships. He asserts that the cure for envy is not success, but study: learning from others' successes, understanding their processes, and celebrating their achievements. He introduces the Sanskrit word "muda," which means taking joy and pride in others' success, encouraging the graduates to practice this.
Four Critical Decisions in Life
Shetty outlines four critical decisions in life that matter more than almost any other, emphasizing that these decisions should be guided by personal values rather than others' opinions. The first is how you feel about yourself, a daily decision to show up better for yourself and loved ones. The second is who you choose to love, as this decision significantly impacts success or failure. He shares a personal anecdote about his wife's unwavering trust and unique perspective during a challenging time in their marriage.
Love, Work, and Service to Humanity
The third decision is what you do for a living, urging graduates to find meaning in their work, even if it's not their passion. He recounts his time at Accenture, where he taught meditation to colleagues, illustrating the importance of bringing what you love into your job. The fourth decision is how you'll serve humanity, emphasizing that purpose doesn't need to be a job or something big, but something that resonates personally and involves helping others.
Practical Steps and Final Encouragement
Shetty provides practical steps to put his advice into practice, such as tracking the urge to seek others' opinions and going on an opinion fast for seven days. He also suggests writing down one thing each day that required effort, regardless of recognition. He encourages the Class of 2025 to pursue their ideas, apply for jobs they may not seem qualified for, and take unconventional paths, even if they face misunderstanding or self-doubt, urging them to live a life that would make their younger selves proud and their older selves grateful.
