Brief Summary
This podcast episode features Allison Armstrong, an author and educator, discussing the complexities of relationships between men and women. She shares insights from her 30 years of research, particularly focusing on the Queen's Code, a framework for understanding and appreciating men. Armstrong addresses hormonal differences, communication styles, and the importance of understanding each other's needs to foster better connections.
- The core message revolves around choosing love, understanding hormonal influences, and fostering genuine connections.
- Armstrong emphasizes the significance of acknowledging and appreciating differences between men and women, as well as the importance of clear communication and mutual respect.
- She also touches on aging with grace, objectification, emasculation, and the need for both men and women to receive and give in relationships.
Intro
The host introduces Allison Armstrong, highlighting her extensive work in understanding the dynamics between men and women. Armstrong's Queen's Code framework aims to transform relationships through appreciation and understanding. The conversation promises to offer valuable insights for anyone seeking to improve their relationships.
Creating Heaven to Earth
Armstrong shares her lifelong mission to bring "heaven on earth," which she defines as a state where individuals consistently choose love over everything else. This concept evolved from her childhood desire to fix what she perceived as wrong in the world to a more nuanced understanding of shifting the planet's context through love. She emphasizes that choosing love, not just feeling it, is essential for creating a better world.
The Role That Relationships Play in Our Personal Evolution
Armstrong discusses her journey from being an activist to studying men after discovering she was a "frog farmer," someone who brings out the worst in men. She explains how this realization led her to understand the importance of how women treat men and the impact it has on relationships. She highlights that men provide a unique sense of safety and attention that women need, and understanding this dynamic is crucial for fostering healthy relationships.
What Women Don’t Understand About Men
Armstrong addresses the common misconception that men are "hairy misbehaving women." She explains that this belief stems from women projecting their own experiences and expectations onto men, failing to recognize fundamental hormonal and instinctual differences. She emphasizes that men and women are wired differently, with men often seeking complementary strengths and women seeking connection and safety.
Hormones & Masculine/ Feminine Energies
Armstrong discusses the roles of estrogen and testosterone in shaping different perspectives. She notes that masculine and feminine energies exist on a spectrum, and individuals can shift between committed and open states of mind. She highlights how hormonal changes, such as those during menstrual cycles or menopause, can affect a woman's state of mind and behavior.
How Hormones Shape Our Perspective
Armstrong explores how hormones influence mental states and choices. She contrasts seeking safety through connectivity (often associated with estrogen) with seeking security through productivity (often associated with testosterone). She explains that women tend to trust feelings as a reflection of truth, while men tend to trust facts and productivity.
Women’s Behaviors as a Subtle Request for Feeling Safe
Armstrong discusses how women's behaviors can often be subtle requests for feeling safe. She notes that while some behaviors are driven by a need for safety, others are driven by a need for respect and truth. She emphasizes the importance of asking what the other person needs and communicating openly to avoid misunderstandings.
Emasculation is Undermining Connection
Armstrong addresses the issue of emasculation, noting that it occurs not only from women to men but also among women and men themselves. She identifies various forms of emasculation, including criticism, denigration, and withholding appreciation or accountability. She stresses that withholding affection, attention, or participation can undermine connection and diminish a man's sense of power.
What Video Games Teach Us About Men
Armstrong suggests that women can learn about interacting with men by studying video games. She explains that video games provide a perfect environment for the committed, productive mind, offering points for effort, bigger rewards for bigger risks, and the ability to reset and try again without punishment. She notes that video games never pressure commitment, always offering choice and positive reinforcement.
Where Objectification Comes From
Armstrong discusses objectification as the male equivalent of emasculation. She explains that objectification is a fundamental human response to anything that feels bigger or more powerful than oneself. By labeling and reducing complex individuals into simpler terms, people attempt to gain a sense of control and handle feelings of powerlessness.
Importance of Acknowledgement and Appreciation
Armstrong emphasizes the importance of admiration and appreciation in relationships. She explains that men are particularly affected by admiration and respect because it validates their productivity and providership. She encourages letting others know what you like about them, appreciating differences, and acknowledging their unique qualities.
Learning to Receive in Relationship
Armstrong discusses the challenges both men and women face in learning to receive. She notes that reciprocity and deservingness can get in the way of truly receiving gifts or gestures of love. She emphasizes that gifts are meant to be freely given and received without obligation, and that denying someone the opportunity to give robs them of fulfillment.
Stepping Into Our Inner King/Queen
Armstrong discusses competition in relationships, explaining that it arises from a perception of sameness and scarcity. She encourages looking for uniqueness and complementarity to disconnect from competitive dynamics. She also explores the tunnel of development, where individuals become aware of betraying themselves to gain approval and must choose to be true to themselves, even at the cost of acceptance.
Aging with Grace
Armstrong shares her perspective on aging, emphasizing the importance of letting go of preferences and embracing the beauty of each stage of life. She encourages women to reject societal pressures to maintain youthfulness and instead focus on cultivating inner radiance and wisdom. She also discusses the concept of detaching from the body, viewing it as "this body" rather than "my body," to foster partnership and acceptance.
A Higher Perspective On Love & Death
Armstrong shares her views on love and death, emphasizing that love is infinite and eternal. She recounts a psychic's prediction that she would be surrounded by her late husband's love even in old age, which proved true. She suggests that death is not an end but a transition to a different frequency, and that relationships can continue beyond physical existence.
Conclusion
The host thanks Allison Armstrong for her insights and unique perspective. Armstrong expresses gratitude for the opportunity to share her work and encourages listeners to explore the paths that light them up. The episode concludes with information on where to find more of Armstrong's work and a call for listeners to share their key takeaways from the conversation.
