Brief Summary
This video features Dr. Caroline Fleck, a clinical psychologist, discussing the importance of validation as a life skill. She explains how validation involves communicating acceptance and making others feel seen and heard, which is crucial for building trust, collaboration, and influence. The conversation covers techniques for empathetic listening, handling emotional situations, and balancing acceptance with the need for change. Dr. Fleck also addresses the role of self-validation in managing emotions and improving mental health, emphasizing that recognizing and validating one's feelings is essential for inner peace.
- Validation is a crucial skill for building relationships and influencing others.
- Empathetic listening and mirroring techniques can enhance connection and understanding.
- Self-validation is essential for managing emotions and achieving inner peace.
Intro
The host introduces Dr. Caroline Fleck, a licensed clinical psychologist and author, to discuss validation as a skill that can transform relationships, increase influence, and change lives. He expresses his enthusiasm for the topic, noting how it validates his own life experiences and strategies for social and professional success. The initial focus is on identifying a key psychological skill that individuals can use in the real world to improve their lives, leading to the introduction of validation.
Transforming Lives with Validation Skills
Dr. Fleck defines validation as a set of skills used to communicate acceptance and make others feel seen and heard, which is essential for fostering collaboration and trust. These skills, originally developed for dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to treat borderline personality disorder, are valuable for everyone. She highlights that validation is crucial because without it, individuals may not trust or believe in the advice or actions suggested by others, feeling misunderstood and isolated.
Understanding Treatment-Resistant Individuals
Dr. Fleck explains that traditional psychology focused on change, which didn't work for everyone, especially those resistant to treatment. The key insight was that profound change requires deep acceptance. She emphasizes that even when dealing with individuals who have extreme viewpoints or mental health conditions, it's possible to validate their feelings, even if their thoughts are not valid.
Mastering Empathetic Listening Techniques
Dr. Fleck introduces the "validation ladder," a model with eight skills to convey mindfulness, understanding, and empathy, making others feel accepted. The most basic level involves being mindful and engaged, projecting non-judgment through specific non-verbal cues. She shares a therapist trick: when listening, focus on understanding the other person's point, why they care about it, and how to improve upon it, which fosters genuine curiosity.
Validating False Beliefs: Strategies and Challenges
Dr. Fleck addresses how to validate someone's point when it's based on false beliefs or is self-destructive. She explains that it's crucial to look for the kernel of truth and the emotion behind the statement. Validation doesn't require agreement; it means focusing on the valid aspects of their argument before attempting to change their opinion. This approach makes the person more receptive to different perspectives.
The Science of Mirror Neurons and Copying
Dr. Fleck discusses the mindfulness skill of copying or mirroring another person's body language to attune to them, activating mirror neurons. This process helps one start to feel and understand what the other person is experiencing. Copying increases altruistic behavior and can overcome implicit biases, making it a valuable tool for cultivating understanding and empathy.
Handling High-Stakes Emotional Situations
Dr. Fleck shares an example of a high-stakes emotional situation with a client and how to de-escalate it using validation techniques. She emphasizes the importance of copying back, genuinely trying to understand the other person's perspective, and expressing empathy. The goal is to make the person feel heard and understood before sharing one's own perspective.
Balancing Acceptance and Change in Communication
Dr. Fleck highlights that effective communication involves both acceptance and the potential for change. After validating someone's feelings, it's possible to gently guide them toward a different perspective or behavior. She stresses the importance of attending, copying, and maintaining proximity to create a sense of connection, which has been challenging in the era of online communication.
The Importance of Validation in Relationships
The discussion emphasizes that validation is essential for feeling acknowledged, seen, and accepted. Dr. Fleck suggests that validation is more important than love because true love requires feeling seen and accepted for who you are. Validation involves recognizing and accepting someone independent of their appearance or performance, fostering deeper vulnerability and connection.
The Art of Mimicking for Attraction
Dr. Fleck notes that copying or mimicking behaviors can increase attraction, as people are naturally drawn to those who mirror them. She advises subtly incorporating this technique, giving oneself a mental cue to copy, without making it too obvious or awkward. This natural mirroring helps establish a connection and rapport.
Mastering the Art of Proposing and Mind Reading
Dr. Fleck explains that the next level of validation involves showing understanding, often through cognitive or logical means. She introduces the concept of "proposing," or mind-reading, where one articulates something the other person hasn't explicitly said. This skill, exemplified by Oprah Winfrey's interviews, can facilitate insights and demonstrate deep understanding, but it requires practice and a willingness to "strike out" and learn from feedback.
Mastering Mindful Communication Techniques
The conversation emphasizes that validation is a skill that requires practice and the ability to move between different techniques. Mindfulness, attending, and copying are essential for being present and curious, focusing on the other person rather than oneself. Proposing understanding involves showing that you comprehend their feelings and experiences, even if you might be wrong.
Mastering Relationship Skills and Empathy
The discussion shifts to the empathy skills, which communicate mindfulness, understanding, and empathy simultaneously. Dr. Fleck uses the example of John Stewart's advocacy for 9/11 first responders to illustrate how expressing genuine emotion can swiftly validate others' feelings. She also touches on the importance of self-disclosure in building connection and showing that you see yourself in the other person.
Overcoming Depression and the Power of Self-Disclosure
Dr. Fleck shares her personal experience with depression and how it motivated her to become a psychologist. She explains that self-disclosure can create a powerful connection, showing others that you understand their suffering. However, she cautions that self-disclosure should be approached sensitively, especially when someone is experiencing intense emotions.
Navigating Emotional Disclosure and Validation
Dr. Fleck discusses the potential pitfalls of self-disclosure, particularly if it minimizes the other person's experience. She advises approaching disclosure delicately, acknowledging that your experience may not be the same as theirs. She emphasizes that validation is a skill that requires practice and sensitivity, and the book provides tips on how to repair mistakes.
The Stigma Around Discussing Suicide and Self-Hatred
The conversation touches on taboo topics that are difficult to discuss openly in society, such as suicide and self-hatred. Dr. Fleck suggests that many people struggle with deep-seated feelings of being unlovable, making it challenging to validate themselves and move forward in their lives.
The Struggle with Self-Love Among Mental Health Professionals
Dr. Fleck recounts an exercise where mental health professionals revealed their belief that something about them made them unlovable, highlighting the depth of self-hatred even among experts. This underscores the cultural nature of these feelings and the need for self-validation.
Balancing Emotional Regulation and Expression
Dr. Fleck discusses the importance of balancing emotional regulation and expression. She explains that while it's necessary to regulate emotions in certain situations, suppressing them can lead to internal issues. Recognizing and validating emotions allows one to manage them more effectively, preventing them from becoming overwhelming.
The Power of Self-Validation and Emotion Management
Dr. Fleck emphasizes that emotions are meant to be felt, and suppressing them only makes them stronger. She advises sitting with a feeling, labeling it, and experiencing it intensely without adding a narrative. This process helps the emotion decrease. She suggests that struggling with being alone is a sign of not being at peace with one's emotions, highlighting the need for self-validation.
Navigating Mom Guilt and Career Pressures
Dr. Fleck shares a personal story about experiencing "mom guilt" and how she used self-validation techniques to cope. She describes acknowledging the feeling, repeating it, and trying to feel it in her body without reliving the evening or replaying negative thoughts. She then looked for the kernel of truth in the shame, challenged it, and took action to self-soothe and pay it forward through a loving-kindness meditation.
Techniques for Self-Soothing and Emotional Healing
Dr. Fleck details the steps for self-validation, including acknowledging and labeling the emotion, feeling it intensely without adding a narrative, looking for the kernel of truth, challenging it if necessary, and taking action to self-soothe. She emphasizes that this process may take time and should continue until one reaches a state of peace.
Navigating Emotional Changes in Parenting
Dr. Fleck shares how her breast cancer diagnosis profoundly affected her daughter, leading to feelings of grief and change. She admits to initially invalidating her daughter's feelings by denying any change, but later circling back to validate her emotions and acknowledge the heavy impact of the situation. This highlights the importance of repairing invalidating moments and modeling healthy emotional responses.
Influence and Taking Action
Dr. Fleck explains the difference between validation and influence, noting that they are not mutually exclusive. People are more easily influenced by those they trust, and validation builds trust. Influence involves pushing someone in a certain direction, while validation is about accepting what is. She describes how to transition from validation to taking action, emphasizing the importance of feeling when the validation has landed and a door has opened for suggesting a better way forward.
Understanding Synchronicity: Enhance Your Awareness and Perception
The more we pay attention to synchronicity, the more we are able to perceive synchronicity. And on the one hand, it's because we strengthen our eye. We know, yes, this is real. We take it to heart. We think about and reflect on what it might mean, and then we act on it.
