Brief Summary
This video explains limerance, a debilitating and overwhelming feeling of being in love, and provides insights into its origins, progression, and potential resolutions. It explores the features of limerance, including intrusive thinking, longing for reciprocation, and dependency of mood on the object of affection. The video also discusses the potential causes of limerance, such as attachment styles, genetic predispositions, and the role of fantasy as a coping mechanism. Finally, it offers strategies for dealing with limerance, including addressing unmet needs, adopting a reality-based approach, and re-calibrating the sympathetic nervous system.
- Limerance is an overwhelming and debilitating feeling of being in love.
- It is characterized by intrusive thinking, longing for reciprocation, and dependency of mood on the object of affection.
- Potential causes include attachment styles, genetic predispositions, and the role of fantasy as a coping mechanism.
- Strategies for dealing with it involve addressing unmet needs, adopting a reality-based approach, and re-calibrating the sympathetic nervous system.
Introduction
The video introduces the concept of limerance as an overwhelming, debilitating, and unexpected feeling of being in love that can disrupt one's life and sense of identity. The speaker, a psychiatrist, acknowledges the lack of extensive data on limerance, making it challenging to confidently define its causes and treatments. Despite these challenges, the video aims to provide insights into understanding, anticipating the course of, and potentially resolving limerance.
What is Limerance?
Limerance is defined as an intense feeling of being in love, often overwhelming and unexpected, that can negatively impact one's life. It is characterized by intrusive thoughts, acute longing for reciprocation, and a dependency of mood on the actions of the limerent object. The speaker references Dorothy Tennov's book on limerance, emphasizing the all-consuming nature of the experience, where the image and thoughts of the desired person dominate one's consciousness, leading to emotional highs and lows. Limerance can strike individuals even in healthy relationships, causing them to become preoccupied with thoughts of another person and seeking their approval.
How does a Limerent person act?
The speaker describes the key components of limerance, drawing from Dorothy Tennov's work. These include intrusive thinking about the object of desire, an acute longing for reciprocation, and a dependency of mood on the limerent object's actions. The mood of a limerent person is heavily influenced by their interpretation of the limerent object's actions, leading to feelings of ecstasy when reciprocation seems likely and deep achiness when it doesn't. Limerent individuals often engage in vivid fantasies of reciprocation to find temporary relief from their longing.
Interpretation of social cues
Limerent individuals exhibit hypersensitivity to small signals from the limerent object and engage in mental gymnastics to interpret their actions favorably. They may experience physical sensations like an aching heart when uncertain and buoyancy when reciprocation seems evident. The roller coaster nature of limerance is characterized by intense uncertainty and anxiety, hyperfocus on small gestures, and significant emotional reactions to perceived reciprocation. Limerance alters the motivational hierarchy, diminishing the importance of other aspects of life, and involves idealizing the limerent object while rationalizing their flaws.
Limerance and OCD
The speaker explores the potential causes of limerance, suggesting that attachment theory alone is insufficient to explain it. They propose a neuroscience perspective, highlighting similarities between limerance and OCD, such as intrusive thoughts and ritualistic behaviors. A specific attachment pattern is identified where a third party briefly provides everything the individual wants emotionally during a time of struggle, leading to idealization and a learned association of perfection with distant figures. This pattern can be triggered later in life by a limerent object who is distant and perfect, causing the individual to seek that same sense of perfection.
What you can do about it
To address limerance, the speaker suggests tracking back to the origin story, identifying when the individual first developed the idea of idealized relationships with fantastic people. Processing these experiences, understanding the lessons learned, and recognizing unmet needs can help in addressing the underlying issues that trigger limerance. It's important to recognize that limerance is often triggered by a sense of not being good enough or a desire for admiration, and addressing these unmet needs is crucial for recovery.
Reality-based approach
Adopting a reality-based approach involves noticing mental gymnastics and distinguishing between what is perceived and what literally happened. By observing interactions objectively, individuals can identify distortions and cognitive reactions that contribute to limerance. This approach helps uncover the negative emotions or fears that limerance is protecting against, allowing individuals to face these fears and realize they may not be applicable in their current life. Re-calibrating the sympathetic nervous system through mind-body practices like yoga and breathing exercises can also help reduce anxiety and intrusive thoughts.
Conclusion
The speaker concludes by suggesting that acceptance of having limerance can help dissolve the problem by preventing the individual from chasing the limerent object as a source of salvation. They also propose a more unconventional perspective, wondering if limerance could be a manifestation of past life karmic connections, while emphasizing that even if true, it doesn't mean the person is meant to be with the individual in this life. Ultimately, the speaker encourages acceptance and letting go, regardless of whether one adopts a scientific or karmic model for understanding limerance.
