Brief Summary
This video explores the common misconception of chasing validation instead of genuine love. It discusses how early experiences can lead to a pattern of seeking partners who reinforce the need to perform for affection, mistaking anxiety for chemistry, and distance for mystery. The video emphasizes that true love is not about proving worth but about being seen and accepted as one is. It offers guidance on healing this pattern by grieving the need for validation, unlearning performance-based behaviors, and choosing oneself.
- Identifying the addiction to performance and pursuit rather than love.
- Understanding the fear of being seen without pretense.
- Learning to choose oneself and break the cycle of seeking validation from others.
Intro
Many people mistake the desire for validation, being chosen, and feeling "enough" for the actual pursuit of love. This stems from a deeply ingrained belief that being chosen equates to safety, desire equates to value, and being wanted equates to worthiness. Anything that threatens this equation, especially the quiet and steady nature of real love, is often rejected.
The Root of the Problem
The pattern of seeking validation often originates in childhood, where love and praise were conditional, tied to performance or usefulness. This leads individuals to adapt by becoming charming, helpful, and agreeable to avoid abandonment, burying their true selves in the process. As adults, this wound manifests as seeking validation in relationships, mistaking anxiety for chemistry and distance for mystery.
Addiction to Performance
The addiction isn't to love itself, but to the performance, pursuit, and the need to prove one's worth. True, secure love doesn't require constant validation or trigger the nervous system's fight or flight response. It feels like home, which can be unsettling for those accustomed to performing for affection. The core fear is being seen without pretense and the worry that love will disappear when the performance stops.
The Fantasy of Changing Someone
Many people chase after emotionally unavailable individuals, hoping to be the one who finally gets through to them, thereby proving their own worth. However, even if they succeed in earning the affection of such a person, they still won't believe they are enough because the wound originated within themselves. No one can heal the parts of oneself that one refuses to confront.
Healing Process
The healing process involves grieving the self who believed she had to be desirable to be kept and unlearning the habit of turning love into a reward system. It requires stopping the constant auditioning and allowing oneself to be ordinary and seen. This includes feeling the heartbreak of the energy spent performing and mourning the lovable versions of oneself that were never loved.
Choosing Yourself
Start choosing yourself by feeling the heartbreak of how much energy you've spent contorting, performing, earning, and chasing. Allow yourself to be angry and messy, and mourn all the versions of you that were lovable but never loved. Ask yourself what love looks like when it's not rooted in pain. Learn to sit still, to feel lonely, and not make it mean anything about your worth.
Embracing Peace
Embrace peace, even when your nervous system craves the highs and lows of the chase. Stop clinging to people who confuse you, recognizing that confusion is not connection. Stop needing to be impressive and start being real. When someone walks away, let them, understanding that their departure doesn't diminish your worth.
What Healing Looks Like
Healing involves being okay when no one texts back, not attaching your worth to how wanted you feel, and allowing someone to love you on your average days. It means falling apart without apologizing and no longer chasing people who make you feel small. The truth is, you were meant to be seen, known, and loved in your being, not in your performance.
Power of Choice
Once you accept that you are meant to be seen and known, you become powerful. You start choosing who gets your energy and softness, and most importantly, you choose yourself, not because someone else said you were worthy, but because you know it.
