0:00 I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that there is not a week that goes by where I don't hear something about the epidemic of loneliness in this country. I have seen so many videos about people who want relationship and romantic connection from the United States to the UK, all throughout Europe. Everybody seems to want relationship, yet everybody is struggling to connect. And you can't help but wonder, if everybody wants this, then why isn't it happening? It's like water's everywhere, but everybody's thirsty. But I think the root of this is something much bigger than loneliness. We are experiencing a relational recession. People are experiencing relational poverty at levels that I have never seen in my
0:47 life. And in this video, we're going to talk about why so many people are struggling to connect and how we can make our way back to one another. Keep watching. Hi, I'm Dr. Shanté, and welcome to my YouTube channel. So, what I do on this channel is reframe cultural narratives from a trauma-informed and sociological lens. So, let's get into it. Here's why I think that this is bigger than loneliness, because loneliness is about absence. It's about not having people in your life. It's about not having access to people or not having access to community. But I think what we're experiencing is different. Relational poverty is not about not having access, because we're interacting with people
1:33 all day long. We're interacting with people at work. People are constantly texting. People are constantly on apps, uh whether they are dating apps or social media apps. People are consuming people all day long. But this is a classic quantity versus quality issue, because even though people are interacting all day long, there is contact, but there is no connection. Just because you see people all day, just because you interact with them or laugh and joke with them or share memes with them, does not mean that there is genuine human connection. There is proximity, so you are around people, but there is no attunement. And attunement is someone who's actually paying attention to you. Attunement happens
2:19 between mothers and babies, meaning you're not just next to the baby, you are paying attention like, "What are you doing? Is your face turning red? Can you breathe? Like, are you fidgety? Are you agitated?" And notice that people who are in intimate relationships, so if you've ever been in an intimate relationship with somebody, when something is wrong with your partner, you know it. Why do you know it? Because you are attuned to them. Like, I am tuned into your channel. And so people are around each other all the time, but they're not attuned to them. And then there are people who communicate with one another, but there's no vulnerability in that communication, and vulnerability is actually what deepens intimacy and and partnership. So there's this serious lack of depth with respect to how we
3:06 communicate with one another. How many times have you scrolled through social media and seen somebody complaining that they're getting too many "What you doing?" texts? "What you doing? Where you at? What did you eat today? What's up?" There's no there there, okay? There's no there there. And so even when people are able to connect, okay? Even when people go on these dating apps and they have two or three dates, after that it completely collapses because as human beings we are losing our ability to human, we are losing the the fabric and the tapestry of what it means to connect deeply, meaningfully beyond surface level with another human being. Not just in dating, but in friendships and in families. So when I say we're experiencing relational poverty, it's
3:52 almost like living in a food desert. So, a food desert is a community it's not that there is no food, it's just that the quality of the food, the substance of the food, the sustainability of the food is really suspect. So, if the only thing you have in your neighborhood is a gas station or convenience store that offers you know, snacks and junk food, you're living in a food desert. And so, when we talk about relational poverty and being in this relational desert, there's no there there. And so, here's what I have in my notes. We are are at a point where we know how to attract attention, but we don't know how to build trust. We know how to perform, okay? Desirability. Make sure my hair is cute, make sure my nails
4:38 is did, make sure I got a fresh haircut, okay? Make sure I have on nice clothes, okay? But once you get past that surface level attraction, then what? Okay? Like, what are you talking about? What do you have to say? Who are you? Like, what do you do in your spare time in terms of just who you are as a person, causes that you care about, or things that you're passionate about? A lot of times, once you get past the hair, the haircut, and and the nails, and the and the nice clothes, there's no there there. There's no actual substance. And we know how to consume content, we know how to make laughing, joking comments in the comments, you know, we'll post a meme, or we'll post some sort of quippy comeback, but when it comes down to having like actual in-depth
5:24 conversation, we don't have a whole lot to say. Some of us have big online energy, but when it comes to in-person energy, then it's awkward, then it's lack of eye contact, then it's kind of shrinking back. And we're going to get into the the neurodivergence and the anxiety piece a little bit later, because some people that is legitimately their issue, but culturally, we cannot pathologize the entirety of this cultural phenomenon that we're experiencing right now. Some of us don't know how to tolerate awkwardness, and we feel inclined to fill up the space with nothing or with stimulation, or what do you want to do, and where do you want to go? We don't know how to just be with people, which actually is a key component of intimacy. Just knowing how to be in companionable
6:10 silence with somebody and not have to fill up the space. To stay curious about somebody without feeling like, "Well, what are we going to do now?" Or, "What are we going to do next?" We've forgotten how to co-create connection, and so a lot of people when they date or they get in friendships or they're in communities, they're like, "Okay, what you got for me? What did you plan for me? What what what is on my agenda? Like, you're my camp counselor. Plan out my entertainment. Plan out my revelry." And I'm not saying that when people go on dates, they should not plan them. They should. Okay? When you are interested in getting to know somebody, yes, create the container for that to happen, but can that be a shared and co-constructed where it's like, "Hey, if I choose the place for dinner, would you like to choose the place for ice cream, or would you like to choose our after-dinner activity?" Meaning, we are
6:56 our building this thing together, but a lot of people have just kind of like outsourced with the expectation to get without any inclination to give because we have forgotten how to work with one another to actually build something solid. So, we have optimized for the spark, but we have lost the skill to cultivate the flame. Okay? Like, we can start the fire, but baby, you got to keep it going. And so, one of the ways that this falls apart is the way that we just even initially engage one another. Many of us come from this place of assessment versus curiosity. When we engage people or try to connect with people, we are immediately coming from a place of, "Are you safe? Do you meet my criteria? Are you going to waste my
7:42 time? Which is a very different energy than being curious about somebody. Something that surprised me recently is that on my threads, I posted a question asking men to share a book or a series or a genre that they read growing up because at the college I teach reluctant readers and so I just was looking for some ideas to put a summer reading list together. And I kid you not within 2 hours I had over 700 men hop into the comments talking about their books and at this point there's well over 2,000 answers. 2,000 men sharing their love of reading. Huzzah! And I made a a short a YouTube short about this but watch what happens when you show up with curiosity rather than condemnation when you don't reduce people to politics and
8:30 gender wars and outrage. So when we don't show up with curiosity, when we don't show up with discovery, when we don't show up with hmm, here's what I would like to know more about and instead it's do you tick the box and do you meet my criteria and do you see things the same way that I see them? Because here's the thing, I think that we have also become very reductive in the way that we value human connection and so we immediately discount anybody who isn't going to be a lifelong friend or a romantic interest that outside of that there's no real value in having human connection. But it there's levels to this, okay? There's levels to this. So some people might just be people in
9:16 your craft circle or in your bowling league. Some people might just be Some people might just be the people who come over for poker night or game night or trivia night at the pub. It doesn't always have to be this locked-in for life type of dynamic and so many of us just readily discount people because they don't fall neatly into these very narrow roles, but remember healthy human connection is a tapestry. It is a patchwork quilt of different people, different viewpoints, different cultural backgrounds, and all of the things. And so when we approach one another from a place of judgment and evaluation, and if you don't fit within the narrow scope of things that I think are true and valid for my life, then I don't have any use
10:02 for you. Well, here we are. Water all around, but everybody's thirsty. Something else that makes this difficult is that we have conditioned ourselves to be comfortable with digital interface, and we've kind of lost the muscle for in-person interaction. Now, some people have ADHD, some people are neurodivergent, some people struggle with anxiety and social anxiety, and that is real and that is legit. I'm not dismissing that. But some people are just flat out digitally addicted. They have replaced books with tablets. And so even something like reading Reading has so many benefits, and yes, I'm a writer and soon-to-be author, but
10:48 that bias aside, one of the things that I love most about books is especially fiction is that narrative fiction is about the human condition. In narrative fiction, you will find love, loss, grief, yearning, frustration despair joy. You find the full gamut of human emotion, and you will not find that in the same way on digital tablets. You will absolutely not find it. And so when you if you get a chance to look at Jonathan Haidt's work about digitally anxious children, okay? Some of us have fallen very much into that same trap. We are digitally addicted, we have become anxious, We've started comparing
11:33 ourselves to one another. We have consumed so much toxic content, okay, um, of outrage and war and ideology and all the things that we are suspicious of one another. And so, we don't even approach each other in a coffee shop. We don't even approach each other in a bookstore. We have lost the muscle to be able to just show up and be curious about one another in person without it feeling strange or awkward or unsafe. You ask some people, "What's the last book you read?" And the answer is Facebook. And so, why is water everywhere but everybody's thirsty? It's conditioning. We We are losing our ability to human with one another, okay? We are losing our ability. And now, with the nuance of AI, we are further outsourcing our
12:19 ability to even use words. It's almost Have you ever heard that story of Cyrano de Bergerac where Cyrano was was kind of hiding in the bushes and he was kind of giving the words to this male suitor who was trying to, you know, win the damsel from the balcony. Well, AI is now the Cyrano de Bergerac. We are outsourcing the language. Tell me what to say for this situation. Tell me what to say for that situation. Tell me how to show up in this scenario. And so, we have outsourced it. And with every outsourcing, with every scroll, with every hour spent on a screen versus an hour spent in a book, we have outsourced our ability to human, to connect in person face-to-face heart-to-heart chest-to-chest, cheek-to-cheek. So, not
13:05 everything is a pathology. Sometimes, it's just atrophy. Those muscles have atrophied. We have not used them in the same way that we are currently using these digital muscles. And I think we need to offset the balance by spending less time on a screen and more time outside with people, in groups, even if it's alone together. It's still learning to build the muscle to be in other people's presence without it feeling awkward. So, if you feel like you are losing your ability to human where it's getting harder and harder to show up in person and you have lost the muscle for conversational fluency, social fluency, curiosity, and connection, I want to encourage you to do a few things. Number one, stop approaching every interaction like,
13:52 this might be the one. I might meet someone. Let me look cute. How about start small? How about, oh, I like your sweater, or great t-shirt, or is that book any good, or hmm, that looks interesting. What's that book about? Like, just basic conversation. Start building the muscle to just interact with people without it feeling awkward, without there being some ulterior motive, without there being some other sort of agenda. There are also opportunities to be alone together, and this is an introvert's dream. I know y'all don't believe this, but I really am an introvert. There is a group out of New York, and I know they're trying to do it in other cities, and I think other cities have versions of this called Reading Rhythms is the name of the group. And Reading Rhythms is basically where complete and total strangers from all around the city
14:38 come together, bring a book of their choosing, they read for 15 minutes, and then it's like, okay, let's take a break. Turn to your neighbor. I know, I know black church people hate to see hear that term, okay? It's like a trigger. I I get it. Okay, but it's like, hey, turn to somebody next to you and tell them what you've just read. At least in that regard, it's not contrived because you were just reading for the past 15, 20 minutes, and so you're just turning to somebody and say, hey, this is what I read, and this is why I chose it, and this is why I like it. How about you? And then they read for another 15, 20 minutes, and then turn to somebody else. Have a different conversation, and then turn to somebody else, and then boom, that's it. People pick up their stuff and go out the door. It's not high stakes. It's not a big deal, but is it human interaction? Yes. Is it conversation? Yes, is it companionable
15:23 silence? Yes, is it something that is more valuable than scrolling? Yes. >> [laughter] >> Okay, yes it is. And so, for those of you who are struggling, okay, in that regard, I'm going to encourage you to start small and start to build that muscle. And let me just let me just let me just hit you with the truth. Anytime an underused muscle starts to become in use, it's going to be uncomfortable at first. I just started doing mat Pilates. Y'all child, my Pilates will have you experiencing muscles you did not even know were there. I'm like, my why do I have a Charlie horse in like what is going on over here? Okay? Um, it's like that when you go to the gym
16:09 and you start, you know, lifting the weights, you're sore the next day. But, as you continue to go, the weight doesn't get lighter, but you do get stronger. And that's what I'm encouraging you to do, to strengthen your social muscles because we are collectively forgetting how to human. And you know what? There is value in human connection. It may not be romantic love, it may not be me and my best friend, it may not be my soulmate, but there is something neurologically satisfying and necessary about learning how to be in connection with other human beings. And so, if you have forgotten how to do that, I want to courage you to get back on the horse.
16:55 And so, my darlings, to wrap this up, a lot of people, one of the reasons why that are on dating apps, and this is the feedback that I hear, not just online, but with clients and with friends, is that even just getting on the apps just seems like work. Like, you know, there's like this spark of possibility, then it's like, oh God, I'm already tired. I'm already over this. Like, I But can't. Because you're weary. You are weary because that type of dopamine hit and lost that that that spiking of dopamine is mentally and neurologically exhausting. And then some people, even when they do make a connection, realizing what it takes. Like now I got to keep it going. Is that we being on social media has literally changed our brains. It has literally changed our brains. And so that we are
17:41 more primed for short form, quick hits, instant chemistry. But we don't know how to go the distance. We don't know how to go the distance. We have we have forgotten that. And so when we don't know how to go the distance longitudinally, when we don't know how to carry it forward and continue to be curious about one another and continue to deepen that connection and to move through the discomfort and to learn how to communicate through conflict, because there's always going to be that. When you don't know how to do that. Water all around. But everybody's thirsty. So, I hope you found this helpful. I hope it gave you something to think about. I invite you to comment, like, share, and I will see you guys next time.
