0:00 Now many anxious students will ask me why I am like this now. I don’t know. Have you ever thought about this question? Where do you think the answer is? Why do these same reincarnations always happen to you? Is it really because of your bad fate? Is it really because of your bad zodiac sign? Or, is it really because of your bad mobile phone number? Where is the answer to this mystery? Well, today we are going to talk about our original family. Welcome everyone to Songming’s psychology channel. You see, many times our parents complain to their children, which is essentially transferring the pain. In fact, this is a very serious matter. For example, parents repeatedly tell their own hardships, right? How difficult it is to live a life and how hard it is to work
0:47 for this family. Or they tell their children, "We are very poor." They always emphasize that it is not easy to make money and that survival is very difficult. When your children want to buy something, they blame the children for being ignorant and inconsiderate, crying poor and scolding them. Or when the parents are under a lot of pressure, they say, " If it weren’t for you, I tell you I would have divorced your father a long time ago." They say bad things about their other half to their children, " I was really blind to find your father and your mother." So let’s think about it now. Is it possible for a child in reality to solve the suffering of adults? Career setbacks, bad relationships with partners, conflicts with relatives, do you think this is something a child can solve? But when parents complain to their children, the child will unconsciously have a fantasy. He will feel that his parents are suffering too much, and he should do something,
1:32 he should bear this suffering to make his parents happy. On the one hand, he will imagine that he should be strong enough to solve these family sufferings. But when he faces the reality, he can't do anything, and he will live in all kinds of guilt towards his parents. Let me tell you, such a parent-child relationship is essentially inverted. What is a normal parent-child relationship? Adult parents bear the pressure of survival and protect weak children to become adults. But this inverted parent-child relationship is that the child stands in the position of the parents and plays the role of an adult in the family. As a result, the parents play the role of a child, and the child takes care of his own parents. This phenomenon is called absence in psychology. And such children are called little adults in psychology. Let
2:18 me tell you a case. I had a visitor three years ago. This visitor was a girl who worked in Shanghai. She was a top student and had been married three times in her 30s. This girl... She is actually very good in all aspects, whether it is her education, her temperament, her appearance, or whether she works for a Fortune 500 company, etc. In short, she is very good in all aspects. But she still seeks help from a psychologist. What does she seek help for? In fact, her emotional life and her relationship with the opposite sex always have problems. Then we also did 6 cases for him at that time. When we did the third case, I felt a problem. That is, in the three relationships he left, I found that there were no fatal factors or core cracks between him and the previous three marriages.
3:05 But he chose to leave every time. Then I asked him to think about this problem. I asked him why he would leave such a man when there was no traumatic event. She said she didn't know. She said it might be because she was too sensitive. Then as the consultation progressed, I discovered a secret. When I asked her to talk about her growing up experience, she told me that when she was about 3 years old, her parents divorced. Her mother was very strict with her. Her father was missing. She and her mother depended on each other. Her mother often said to her, " All the suffering I have suffered is because of you." All the grievances I've suffered are because of you. There were many times when I even felt disgusted with the world. It's only because of you that I'm still living in humiliation.
3:52 So you are everything to your mother, you are her only one, you are her pride, you must not let your mother down, you must strive to be good, you must stand out, etc. The entire environment created by her mother from childhood to adulthood is because of you. All my suffering, all my grievances, and all my problems are because of you. So, daughter, you must live a good life, you must live a happy life, you must live a happy life. Well, at this time, in fact, we see the problem. This woman has experienced three failed marriages because of her high sensitivity. Do you think it has anything to do with the broken family she is in now? Classmates, I also want you who are now studying psychology to think about it. Do you think there is any connection between them?
4:39 Is it because this woman found a scumbag or an irresponsible man that she has a bad life, or has she encountered many setbacks in her life, or is it related to her family of origin? So I also want to ask all the students to think about it. In our psychological practice, we believe that her failed marriage due to her high sensitivity must be closely related to her family of origin. First, in her subconscious, she actually has no right to happiness. You see her mother is suffering, her mother is uncomfortable, her mother is sad, and she tells you every day that I am very sad every day, I am very humble every day, and I live a painful life every day. And I am raising you to make you excellent. But your mother is in a pit,
5:25 how can you bask in the sun outside? So you see her love, her way of expressing filial piety is to want her to come back, that is, she wants to come back and suffer with her mother. My happiness and joy are actually in a betrayal. So you see, in her subconscious, she has no right to be happy and joyful at all. Because her mother is suffering, so I have to be filial to my mother, I cannot be happy and joyful. This is the subconscious controlling her, but she doesn't know it. Then the second one is what kind of relationship does she have with her mother? In psychology, we call this relationship symbiotic strangulation. She told me that she has a very good relationship with her mother. So I asked her, how good are you?
6:11 She said that the two of them basically video chat every night, and her mother tells her every day what she ate, what she did, whether she was happy or not, and if there was anything. Then every day she has to cooperate with her mother. Then I said, what if you didn't video chat with your mother? She said that if I don't talk to my mother about these little things in life every day, my mother will be very anxious, she will be very painful and afraid. My mother's life has not been easy, so in order to make my mother happy, I have to cater to my mother every day to make her happy, make her happy, and make her comfortable. So, I have to have such a video conversation with my mother every day. So can you imagine it? When this woman wants to start her life, she has her own marriage, her own love, her own children, and her own life. Every day she has to report these things to her mother.
6:59 And her mother is a woman with very low energy, a lot of pain, and a lot of grievances. She will immediately shrink her heart and cooperate with her mother. I have to accompany my mother in such a state. So think about it, everyone, how dare she embrace happiness and sunshine? If you want to understand these theories we talked about from a psychological perspective, we call it subconscious. Now everyone is clear after I say this. So this is the second reason. Her mother is sticky with her every day. We call it a symbiotic relationship. Many highly sensitive people It is because of this sticky relationship that many of us think that symbiotic relationships are good. But I tell you that symbiotic relationships
7:44 can actually lead to strangulation. This is actually very scary. Why? Because there are no boundaries, no space, how can you talk about your own life, right? So every time when she wants to have a good self and a good life, suddenly at this time, the mother will say, "I'm going to fall down, I can't do it anymore." Then at this time, just when she wanted to start a beautiful life with this man, she would immediately say sorry to this man, " I'm going to save my mother." Then she ran back to support her mother, and the two of them were very struggling to be together. This symbiosis, of course, she didn't say this to the man. Did I put quotation marks when I said "to the man"? It was her subconscious that designed this. This is the second point. The same situation will occur every time, that is, the end point returns to the starting point and the starting point returns to the end point.
8:34 What's the scariest thing? When I asked her, "Is your mother okay now?", she told me that her mother had left her for 3 years. Think about it, everyone. This expectation of authority, even 3 years after her mother's death, is still playing a role in her subconscious. So when I talk about this, I want to tell you that it is the same in your life. You see, many people invest, right? Fail again and again, get cheated once and again, get fooled again and again, each time it’s different. Why does the same story always happen to the same person? In love, she is hurt badly by a scumbag and is heartbroken, but the next time, she falls into the trap of that scumbag again. Don’t you think it’s strange? The ticket in her hand
9:20 always goes back to the starting point from the end point. Why? Let me tell you an answer. This is the curse of the original family. The third point is that when her mother’s marriage breaks down, in many cases, she says that she doesn’t want to be a person like her mother. As a result, when she grows up, she becomes her own mother again. Then she reenacts her mother’s life model. In psychology, we call this personality reenactment. Just like when he was young, his father beat him. As a result, when he grew up, he beat his children. When I was young, I was full, but my mother forced me to eat more. Then I had a daughter, and I forced my daughter to eat more.
10:06 This is called personality reenactment. So in the whole process, you first understand this curse in the original family. You first know that awareness is the beginning of learning. So when I talk about this, have you discovered Are there such stories happening around you? The same stories are repeated in different fields. This is a very interesting phenomenon in psychology. We call it life script. Think about it. Such children often have three characteristics when they grow up. The first characteristic is that they dare not be happy. That is, they have made a lot of money and achieved some results, but they dare not be happy. Why? Because his parents are still suffering, right? How can I dare to be happy alone? He will feel that he is not qualified to be happy,
10:51 not qualified to enjoy, not qualified to live such a rich and happy life, because this is a betrayal to his parents. This guilt will overwhelm them. Secondly, when he faces the suffering of others, he will have the fantasy that he should do something to help others solve the problem. He will unconsciously bear things that he should not worry about. He will overload his life and live a very tiring life. Once he encounters setbacks, he will immediately fall into "I am so bad, I can't do anything". You see, he falls into the abyss of self-attack. Thirdly, if the child identifies with the mother's anger and hatred towards the father, the child will try to intervene in the parents' marriage, such as the parents' divorce, or help the mother to blame the father. If the child sees the father suffering again
11:37 He will feel guilty, and his spirit will be tortured by this back and forth. After he grows up and becomes an adult, he will not know how to be himself in his interpersonal relationships, and then he will become a people-pleasing personality, and he will easily ignore his own feelings. So think about it, do you still plan to save your parents? Do you think your parents' suffering is your unfilial behavior, that you don't deserve happiness, and that you don't have the right to play? Many people unconsciously become their parents' saviors, and this is only to alleviate your own guilt. But once you start trying to save your parents, everyone pay attention to my words, try to start at this time, in fact, you are overstepping your position, you become your parents' parents' parents, and then
12:22 put them in the position of a bad child, and this inversion will only make the family suffer more pain. We have no way to help our parents bear the pain in their hearts, they have their own life path, you can feel sorry for them, but don't try to save them, because this is also a manifestation of narcissism, because in fact you are powerless. So in psychology, there is a concept called separation of issues. In fact, everyone has their own life issues and challenges. Don't interfere with the cause and effect of others other than yourself. Accept the fate of your parents and allow them to be who they are. In fact, this is our respect for our parents. It is also our respect for ourselves. What we need to do is to change ourselves,
13:09 make ourselves stronger, and create the happiness you want, instead of splitting your suffering into two halves, you half and your child half. In this way, your suffering is still there, and your child will continue to suffer. So I think at this time, my classmates will definitely ask me, Teacher Song Ming, how to cut off such a curse of the original family? It may not be possible in this field, but it may require a deeper psychological treatment and psychological help. Then in the future, you must also spend time and energy, and have patience to continue to study in depth, and then let yourself cut off such a personality repetition, and your life will move towards a new life. But now you see that many classmates are very busy with work, study, raising children and family, and they don’t have the time and
13:54 energy to deal with these problems. What should they do? But I want to tell you that you have just heard what I said, and now you are already on the road, because you already have awareness. Awareness is the beginning of learning, and awareness is the beginning of adjustment. You didn’t know these things before, right? These sciences, these knowledge, and these psychological logics. So you are in a state of ignorance, that is, a state of not knowing. If you have heard what I just said until now, you will be clear, and your cognition has been upgraded. You will say It turns out that my problem was a reenactment of my personality. It turns out that my problem was that I was overwhelmed by the other person. Then I tell you that growth has already begun. Thank you for listening.
14:41 If you think it helps you, please like our channel. You can also share our channel with your relatives and friends who are troubled by the expectations of authority. I also hope that this passage can help more people. Then in the end, I want to say that if you are such a child, I want to tell you that you have worked hard for so many years. It is time to give back to your parents. You can also be a child. You also need the love of others. Let the flowers become flowers, let the trees become trees, give yourself back to yourself, and give others back to others.
