Are you a PEOPLE PLEASER : How to Break the Cycle

0:00 How do you know if you are a people pleaser? Well, let's go through the checklist, shall we? Do you find yourself saying yes even if in your heart you want to say no? Do you do anything to avoid a confrontation or to avoid any kind of conflict? Do you find yourself not wanting to make other people uncomfortable even if it means you are uncomfortable? Do you find yourself ruminating? Which means thinking about what just happened with somebody, going through that scenario in your mind and thinking, "Oh, I should have said this. Why did I say that? How did they feel because I said this?" And do you find yourself shapeshifting, which means you will change your opinion. You'll change what you like or dislike depending on your room so that

0:46 other people will like you more. Well, all of this is signs of a people pleasing tendency and there are some issues with it. That's why we're talking about it today. I'm Dr. Sedat Warrior. I'm a neurologist and on my YouTube channel we talk about neuroscience, your brain and your behavior. In today's topic, we are discussing why people pleasing is a problem. So, let's understand where people pleasing tendencies come from in the brain. So in the brain there are multiple areas and if you've been following my channel and you should be you would know there is the preffrontal cortex which is the evolved part of the brain and there is the lyic system which is the old primitive emotional part of the brain. Now within the lyic system we will talk

1:32 about two areas today. Number one is the dopamine network which is responsible for you feeling happy. This is what motivates you to do something. And the other is the amygdala network which is responsible for things that stress you out or things that you value or pay attention to. So when somebody has a people pleasing tendency, two things are happening with these networks. Number one is their dopamine network or their reward network is wired to really value what other people think of them. More than anything else, they want to be liked. They want others to think of them as kind, as helpful. And the other thing that happens is the amygdala network which is what tells you about if you are

2:17 in danger that is wired excessively to avoid disapproval. So if somebody disapproves of what you do, if somebody says you've not done a good job, the negative value of that is much higher in the mind of a people pleaser to an extent that it can even lead to anxiety. And it is that anxiety of wanting to avoid people's disapproval that pushes them into behaving so nicely and kindly with everybody. But there are other networks that play a role too. For example, within the prefrontal cortex is an entire network called as mirror neurons. And mirror neurons play a huge role in empathy. So if you are standing across somebody and you can see their expressions, mirror neurons help you understand what is it that they are

3:03 going through. And in a situation of people pleasing, this becomes very important because now you are so keyed in to what somebody else is thinking. Are they upset with you? Are they happy with you? So mirror neurons also play a big role. So that's the neuroscience of it. But what is the problem with people pleasing? Shouldn't it be a good thing that you are nice and kind to people all the time? Well, on the face of it, it would seem so. But there is an underlying danger here. First of all, if that people pleasing is coming from a place of anxiety, that is you want to avoid confrontation at all costs, very often you might end up making choices that are not in your self-interest. You might make self-sabotaging decisions just because you want to make somebody else happy. And the second problem is what I call as the bargain problem. A

3:48 people pleaser may make some sacrifice to make somebody else happy, but in their mind it is a negotiation. And because they have been so nice to somebody, they think that no one else can now confront them or have a problem with them. But that's not how it goes in life. And eventually somebody will have a problem with them. Now they feel betrayed. Now they feel cheated that how can someone fight with me or have a problem with me after I have been so nice to them. That is when the story flips and you can become cynical or upset and very often it leads to resentment. So what do you do as a people pleaser? Are there things that you can do to change your behavior or change your thinking pattern? Well, it turns out there is. Step number one is to practice boundary setting. And the

4:35 simplest way to do this is to start saying no to things that you don't really want to say yes to. You can start off small by saying no to little things and then gradually build your way up. But it is important to simply get into the habit of saying no and facing that momentary discomfort that somebody else might be disappointed in you. Step number two is to build your feeling of self-worth that I don't need somebody else's approval to feel good about myself. And here it really helps to journal. Write down things about yourself that you are proud of. That is independent of what others think. Step three is to increase mindfulness. Just becoming more aware of all the places where you are compromising what you want just so that somebody else is happy. Very often these behaviors have been going around for so long that you don't

5:21 even notice when you do it. If you're lucky, you have a close friend or a partner who points it out to you. But if you don't, then you have to do that work yourself. Understand where all you cross the line for others and just become aware of, do I really want to do it this much? And finally, step four is to reach out for help and speak to a counselor because cognitive behavioral therapy does help you in changing these behavior patterns. So, if you think you're stuck in a people pleasing loop, then this might be the way forward for you. Remember that kindness is not bad. Helping other people is not bad. But kindness has to come from a place of abundance. There's a reason why they say that to be kind is an act of bravery. Because not everyone can be kind. If you're kind out of fear, if you're kind

6:06 just because you don't want other people to fight with you or confront you on something, then it's not coming from the right place. I hope this video helps you. This video is different from my usual other videos where we talk more about hardcore neuroscience and brain stuff. So let me know if you like this kind of psychology behavior videos and let me know in the comments and I will see you all in the next one. Bye everyone. Take care.