0:00 Men want mommy energy, but not in the way that you think. Okay, this is the thing. Okay. Um, men don't want a woman, ex at least guys who want a long-term relationships, they don't want a woman who completely mothers them. Okay? The reason why is this. Naturally, if he was raised and had good attachments with his parents, he should be able to regulate 70% of his feelings. if he had his mom and dad or at least if he just had stable healthy relationships growing up. But when his relationship with his parents were a little messed up, that meant that when he felt bad, he didn't feel he didn't get validated. He didn't feel secure from the start. And because of that, he grew up with a completely
0:46 disregulated nervous system. And those guys who are very emotional will a lot of the times want you to mother them. Now, mothering to these guys is not what you think. It's you worshiping them. It's you sacrificing your own happiness, your own plans, your own life for them. Why? Because if you can't do that, they can't feel good about themselves. Their self-esteem is so low that it requires a woman to worship them. It requires a woman to let go of who she is for that guy to feel somewhat validated, somewhat like a man. Right now, this is the thing. Okay? Men, they want a woman. A man who wants a long-term relationship though, he wants a woman who is regulated. Meaning
1:32 70% of your feelings you are responsible for. 70% of you are 70% happy without 70% of your of your emotions are stable. And that 70% happened because from childhood till adulthood somehow you got lucky or you healed. You stepped away from toxic man, toxic relationship, toxic friendships which trigger and and put you deeper into unhappiness. And over time, because you're not triggering yourself with those negative relationships over and and and and exposing yourself to positive relationships either by fixing the ones you haven't fixed, forgiving those people who hurt you, right? Seeing a therapist, and if you have any addictions, going to a group and allowing the group to heal you from within because that's what it does.
2:19 releases oxytocin. They they they tell you to hang around people. Don't be alone so that you don't get triggered into relapse. Um even if you if if you're religious, rather than meditating and reading the Bible alone, you go to a church and surround yourself with people and you allow your body to release oxytocin. You allow your cortisol level to diminish, which allows you to have more oxytocin receptors. Meaning this, if you have a group of people around you and they're and and they're and they're and they're and they're and you're spending time with them, if you have high cortisol level, the oxytocin that's released in your body, you won't be able to receive it. Why? Because you have low cortisol receptors. And cortisol is released when you have those negative relationships. And when you have a lot
3:04 of resentment, you let go of the people who hurt you. You forgive those people who hurt you, not for them, but for yourself, right? You surround yourself with positive relationships. And over time, your tolerance for [ __ ] and consistent men goes away. And this lack of tolerance for their [ __ ] is a sign of high self-esteem is a sign that you're regulating yourself. Now, a guy who's toxic, a guy who wants to control you, a guy who wants a woman with low self-esteem in order to have power over her, those relationships usually are from the anxious woman to the avoidant men. Those guys are not going to be with you. they're not going to want to be with you. Right? So, the problem is that some women want to rescue a man to make yourself feel better. You want to rescue a guy because it validates you. It fills
3:49 up that 70% that you're responsible for. So, you look for guys that are distant, that are broken, that you could fix so you can make yourself feel better and you become attracted to those guys. The guys that you can't fix don't trigger that validation. And you completely ignore the guys that you can't fix because they're already fixed. They don't have problems. You might interpret them as boring, right? You want to build him up from the ground up. Rather, you need a man who's already built 70%. And at least, and that last 30% is your job. And you know what's crazy? That 30% that you work on because you guys co-regulate, it doesn't leave you with the resentments, right? It doesn't leave you feeling spent. It doesn't leave you feeling exhausted. That 70% will be the thing that he Oh,
4:36 that's my ex- neighbor. I got to tell him cuz my my landlord didn't give me my my deposit back. Um I'm in I'm in New York City, people. Look, Brooklyn. I'm moving back, people. Okay. Um right. So that 70 that 30% you guys built together, it's not that you're rescuing him, right? My father Alex dropped us. He he doesn't like us. Um it's not that you're rescuing him, right? You're not rescuing him. What you are doing is that you're not letting him you're not you're not helping him to stop doing crap, right? You're not doing it. Well, if you do, but you know, like that's possible cuz you know what's funny? Divorce rates are lower in people who are in recovery when I worked at as a a as a um it showed that people in AA and who continue going to those cuz remember
5:23 I used to work at a drug rehab yet they have lower divorce rates. And the reason why is because in those programs, they teach you how to co-regulate with the group and co-regulate with your sponsor and your partner, right? But the thing is is that it doesn't it doesn't delegate all of the co-regulation to your partner. And this is the problem is that a lot of women who are who are not happy, unfortunately, they just don't have healthy relationships. The unhappiness comes from not having good relationship with your parents. And sometimes it's reflected in your in in your in the lack of deep relationship with your friends. And when you don't have good friends, when you can't relate to people on a deeper level, not as associates, it's going to be really difficult for you to be happy with yourself because your self-esteem most of the time comes from the positive
6:08 reactions you have from the people around you. But if you only have inconsistent [ __ ] if you have a lot of anxiety, you're only going to attract more people who also have anxieties. And a lot of the times it those relationships can be really difficult and really toxic. So men want a woman that can make their life what? Easier. Not easy, but easier, right? Insecurity makes you go too far in saving them. You do too much. Rather than trying to help him, you try to do everything from home. It's like a parent. Rather than do let letting him do his homework and helping him a little bit, you try to do all of the homework, right? And that's and that's problematic, right? Hey, you're not you're not here um sorry about that
6:55 bro. Hey, let's go over here. You're not here uh oh my god. You're not here to um have my guy's in he's in the strip of pole. I am in a poll right now. You're not here to do everything for them, right? You're here to assist. You're here to be there, but you're not here to be his parent. You mother him a little bit, right? But you're not here to be his mother, right? That's his mom's job. Um insecurity makes you go too far, right? and you want to do everything for them and that's when a woman doesn't have a man. So, and so they give themselves over to their children. It's kind of similar to when to when um when a woman when her man leaves him leaves her and so she becomes attracted, she starts putting all of her attention on her child and she starts being overly like, you know,
7:40 just just giving like Eric Cartman, right? where his mom, his wife, his his her husband left him, left her. And so she started treating the son like her husband and doing everything for him, worshiping him, right? And her son became an ignorant little fat prick, right? If you guys know, you guys know what I'm talking about. Um, and it's and so what what it does is that it creates that and it creates a relationship with her son where her son doesn't appreciate her. And that's what happens is that you do so much for someone that that they start to resent you. they start to resent and you want to help them so much. The less you help, meaning the the if you if you do too much, if you mother too much, if you're if you're always trying to save someone, it actually if you do less, it actually ends up working
8:26 out more. Not because doing less works more, but because it doesn't because it it it it triggers the insecure guys that want a a an a an unhealthy type of um not unstable but an unbalanced relationship, right? And a guy who's regulated will see you and say, "Oh, I want that woman. I want that woman." Right? So, they want a motherly figure, but not in the way that you think. Right? They want a motherly figure who has a softness and knows how to give the guy space and knows when to do and when not to do. And unfortunately, if you have a lot of anxieties, it's very difficult to tell the difference. And you can't fix your anxieties by tell by getting the guy to fix it. You got to do that work on your own, right? So men who
9:14 can't. Okay? So that means if you have addictions, I always tell people start with addictions. If if if you're a compulsive eater, focus on your compulsive eating. If you're if you're if if if you having a I think I'm just seeing my ex- neighbors here. If you have um if you smoke weed, you might not think that it might work, but if you stop smoking weed, it might give you it'll it'll force you to co-regulate, right? Um if you're somebody who is a who's compulsively single, find just learn how to be be with someone and allow yourself to be bored. If you're someone who likes to travel a lot and you're always alone, stay in one place and and and and and deal with the anxieties of meeting people and and making friends. Confront
10:00 that anxiety. That's how you deal with it. Cuz sometimes our insecurities and the 70% sometimes is maxed is is is is hidden in in our little habits, right? So it could be that someone plays basketball, for example, and doesn't like to pass the ball, right? Sometimes fixing a lot of emotional issues just comes down to fixing some of those little tiny behavior, right? For me, it was smoking weed, right? For me, it was actually moving back to New York City and not running away and and and just and just making and making my life where I'm from, right? Um um for for me, it could be that playing basketball and and and practicing every single day and developing that discipline, right? also for me is learning art and and and
10:45 learning how to be disciplined. And sometimes that required me actually to learn how to meditate more, go to a meditation retreat so that I can learn to focus without taking aderal. But guess what? That also lowered my anxiety. It also allowed me to to to um to not have to date around and not get that validation. Right? Sometimes just fixing those things that we know that are character flaws about us is how you handle that 70%. Maybe you hate your parents. Maybe you hate your dad. Maybe you hate your mom and you think, "Okay, how do I do selfwork? Let me do yoga." No. Fixing the relationship with your dad sometimes just means your dad smacked the [ __ ] out of you when you were a kid. Your dad was never there and you hate him for it. So every time you see him, you got to let him know that as a way to hurt him. Maybe sometimes it
11:32 just means accepting him for who he is, not forgiving him without even hearing I'm sorry, and just and just not bringing it up and just letting it go. As simple as that sounds, letting it go. It liberates your heart. It gives you that thing that you needed. So then when you fix a 70% through fixing the relationships, calling people who hurt you, apologizing for your mistake, right? um learning to open up to your friends more or maybe sometimes giving your friends distance or sometimes maybe you're the type of person that likes to mind readad where people like oh I'm mad I you know and my friend doesn't call me well tell your friend that maybe you're disappointed that they didn't call you work on those things that's how you fix that 70%. So then when you get into a relationship, you don't mind, you're not mind readading. You don't need that validation all the time. You don't need
12:19 to be to be to be told how lovable you are. And now you're able to do that. Now you're able to give because you don't desperately need. You want their touch, but you're not going to die if you don't get it. And that is how you attract a guy that's stable. That is how you mother a guy without being too overbearing. You know, people um this is something that I'm coming in my course. I know people we posted a video um two weeks ago. Um but you guys are just going to have to accept my apology. It's just that this is a this is a different course that I'm doing. This is something that I'm actually working on myself. And because of that, that's why the content is taking so long. Um so, and since I'm back here, I'm planning on doing the course in real life. So, if you're part
13:06 of it, I know you guys messaged me. Father Alex didn't scam you. It's just that it's a course that I that it's um I didn't anticipate that it was going to take it was going to um um um take so long in terms of like the work itself, right? It's a course about um building a long-term relationship. And it's something that I've never done. Unlike the other courses, they were more different, right? And so, I made it quicker, but this one just feels a little bit more personal to me. And so, I'm trying to work on it and I'm not trying to rush it. So, but we're we're definitely going to have something within the next month, but I'm just letting you guys know it's a little delayed for for artistic reasons, right? Anyways, man, let me know what you guys think about this, man. And you know, it's, you know, it truly is, it truly does blow my mind in all of this to be honest with you. Um, I remember I used to regulate myself to trying to get
13:52 dates and I only attracted women who didn't want a relationship and it made me seem like who didn't want a relationship. I want that. No. Yeah. That didn't want a relationship. And it made me feel like I got rejected a lot of the times. I didn't get rejected. It's just that they saw me as a guy who wanted sex. And because they didn't want sex, I felt rejected. But they wanted a relationship. That's not a rejection to be honest with you. But I felt that as a rejection. They read me correctly and they left. But it's not a rejection. It's just that I wasn't what they wanted, right? But now thinking back, I'm like, "Yeah, of course, dude." Like, if a girl didn't want to sit with me, it felt like a rejection. But it's like, dude, like she wanted more. She wanted something more than you. may not something more but something deeper than that and you didn't see it and that's why your self-esteem suffer for it right um and and these realizations come
14:39 through observing yourself and dealing with your own compulsive behavior for me it was weed for me it was going out for me it was learning how to concentrate you know like those and or even learning how to ask for help right that those were my weaknesses I worked on it and boom it revealed to me that blind spot that I had all of my that you guys saw but I didn't see myself. Anyways, man, let me know what you guys think about this. For oneonone coaching, go to mindfulattraction.org. It's so funny being back in New York City, man. Honestly, it really is. This is where I used to live. I used to live over there in that house over there. That landlord didn't give me my [ __ ] um refund back. But anyways, man.
