Full transcript of “10 relationship RED flags that are actually GREEN | stop pushing healthy relationships away”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 Men are not trash. There, I said it. It had to be said. Bit of a controversial video today. I haven't done a dating and relationships video in a hot minute, but I've been thinking a lot lately about the kind of things I've been seeing in the dating and relationship space online, and it's just reminded me of the way that I've changed my perspective on these sorts of topics over the years, and how that's contributed to me finding the healthy relationship that I actually wanted to be in. So, of course, I wanted to share because once upon a time, I thought all of the facts that I'm going to share with you in today's video were toxic red flags, and it turned out not to be the case. I just realized there is so much misinformation and advice that no one has questioned yet. So, I am here to be that person. When I followed some of the most popular dating advice that's
0:46 out there today, it actually got me into some pretty bad dating situations. So, I am here to debunk every single thing you thought was bad about men that could actually be great. [Music] I want to give a huge thank you to BetterHelp who are the paid partner of today's video. Since we are on the topic of red flags about men that could actually be green, I think therapy is a really good thing to raise in this situation. It's really easy to draw a quick assumption that a man who has gone to therapy or who is in therapy might have something severely wrong with him and it could be a huge red flag or even find it a little bit cringey that a guy is super into therapy and is non-stop talking about it. But I think it's the biggest green flag that a man is excited
1:32 to share his inner work. that regardless of whatever situations he's been through, whether it be a huge trauma or just trying to better himself and stay ahead on his self-development journey, is amazing and is going to contribute so well to the growth of your relationship together. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, BetterHelp is a fully online service that makes therapy more comfortable and convenient for everyone. On BetterHel, you can connect with a therapist from a diverse network of credentialed professionals with a wide range of specialties and backgrounds. And getting started is easier than ever. You just go to their website, fill up the questionnaire that's going to pop up that will assess all of your specific needs, and then you'll get matched with a therapist that is best suited to you within 48 hours or less. When I got my therapist on BetterHelp, it only took 24 hours. Before I discovered Better Help, and I was trying to find a therapist in
2:18 real life, which I did try out for a little bit, it took so long. I was going to friends and mutuals, going through reviews, looking in different cities, and all just not to find a therapist that was even good for me. But on Better Help, that's no problem at all because even if the therapist they match you with isn't the right fit for you, you can switch to another one at no extra cost. And I think that is so important when it comes to therapy. Better to help make sure therapists on their platform are wellqualified and their customer support team is there to help you if you have any questions. So you can take your self- loveve and self-care journey to the very next level by getting started with therapy on BetterHelp today. Just click the link below in my description or go to betterhelp.com/tamcourse and that will get you 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp. Okay, let's get into it. Dating red flags that are actually green. Number one, when the
3:05 guy is picky. Yes, please. Standards. I actually think it's the ickiest, most red flag thing in the world. When a guy is obsessed with me from the get-go, it's giving narcissist. It's giving love bomb. It's giving manipulative. And this is from a girl who fell for that all once upon a time. Because the thing is, everybody talks about a guy has to be obsessed with you, a guy has to be obsessed with you. Absolutely 100% yes. Not from the first day you meet. Oh my goodness. Because all that tells me is one, he's either really desperate that he's going to pick out any girl without actually getting to know her and assessing if your connection actually works and aligns with his life and with his standards. Number two, it tells me he actually doesn't have any real standards apart from looks and he's super superficial. And number three, it makes me think that he's actually got some hidden agenda and he just wants a
3:51 girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend. I'm all for like, no, weigh out your options and figure out if I actually align with you and to your life because that's what I'm doing with you. Because think about it, if a woman met a guy and gave him everything without evaluating him first, we'd all think that she's crazy and doesn't know what she's doing. So then, why are we offended when men take their time? Don't get me wrong, there's 100% a respectful way to go about it. But a man who takes his time and isn't 100% sure of you from the get-go and actually wants to spend time getting to know you and figuring you out shows he's playing it long term and is actually looking for a real relationship he wants to stay in. That links into red flag number two. When a guy rejects you, I kind of see that as a red flag. Hold on for a second. I promise I still don't have an avoidant
4:37 attachment style. Because if a guy is open and honest that he doesn't want to get to know you anymore, that he's not ready for a relationship. Yes, please don't breadcrumb me. Don't string me along. Don't just keep me there because it's easier to let me go so that you have a little bit of company even though you don't plan on committing to me. Ew. If you are not ready for a relationship, if you want to focus on yourself and that means that you can't be with me, please let me know so then I can move on and do my own thing with my own life without having to wait for you. Bonus points. If you tell me I do like you, but I don't think I can be the man that is going to meet your standards at this point in time. Therefore, please don't wait for me. We love to see it. But unfortunately, there are a lot of men that lack this skill. Hence why there are so many people in situationships today. A guy rejecting you is not a
5:23 personal attack. It literally just means you're not aligned at this very moment in time. I think it's so amazing and emotionally intelligent and considerate if he's like, "I'm not ready to commit. I can't give you everything you want right now." That's not him disrespecting you. That's him respecting your time, your most valuable resource. and then you can go find somebody else who actually does meet your standards and is willing to put in the work to try and meet them. I would much rather a guy ends things with me early and is upfront and honest about it rather than stringing me along and telling me that 6 months down the line. Considerate, kind, green flag men know that not everybody is going to be a match for them and know that his life comes first and his alignment and standards come first and then they move like that accordingly. low value, inconsiderate red flag man do not give a and they will literally keep a girl there just because it's easier than not having anyone around at all.
6:09 Number three, when the guy has no past. What I mean by this is like no past dating experience, no past ex-girlfriend, no past relationships. Now, this was something I thought was a huge red flag because I thought, well, then you must be psycho or there must be something wrong with you if you haven't dated anybody properly before or you haven't been in a relationship. There must be a reason why no girl has wanted to be in a relationship with you or maybe you're so avoidant and you have such commitment issues that you can't stick to any girl. But I was proven very much wrong. A guy with no past can just mean that he's actually very different from the rest and very intentional with how he spends his time and the plan that he has for his life. It's easy to assume that a lack of exes means he's emotionally immature or there's something wrong with him. But it could
6:55 just mean that relationships haven't been the top of his priority list. Maybe he's been focusing on himself, his self-development, his career, his hobbies, his time, his friends, his traveling. Not all men are women obsessed and it's important to remember that before we jump to judge them. Green flag number four. A lot of people are going to hate me for this one. When he has female friends, don't kill me. My honest opinion on this entire subject, which is spoken about much too often, is it's so childish this entire conversation. Like, what do you mean we can't be friends with the opposite gender? Do you know how crazy that is in the grand scheme of things, in how large the universe is? We are not allowed to just be friends with people that we connect with just because of their gender. I think it's a green flag when men have female friends because to me it shows that they actually see them beyond
7:41 sex and beyond intimacy. It means that they can see women for their intellect, for their personalities, for their sense of humor, for their general like alignment and connection. That's so good. It also means they actually respect women cuz they're not always trying to get with them all the time. When it comes to a man having a female best friend, totally understand. Okay. When you're in a relationship with each other, naturally you should be each other's best friends. So that's not what I'm trying to say here. before you start twisting my words in the comment section. But saying that your man can't hang around girls is wild. It's giving trust issues. It's giving controlling. On the man's side, it's giving you clearly can't be trusted. If your girlfriend feels the need to say that you can't even be around women, maybe you have some issues to sort out. Basically, we are all entitled to connect with each other regardless of gender. That's all I'm going to say on that. Green flag number five, when he
8:28 takes time to text you back. Obviously, I'm not talking days. But I've never liked a clingy texter who like starts getting worried when you haven't texted back in like 3 4 hours. I have a life. I've got things to be doing. And to be completely honest, in every single relationship I've been in the people I've dated, I've just been really honest and upfront at the start and I'm like, "Yo, I'm not a clean text. I I'm a big workaholic girly. I'm always working on myself. I've got so many other priorities. I will call you at the end of every day and then we'll have a long debrief and a good meaningful chat and spend time together that way and I'll text you like a little bit throughout the day. But please don't be worried if I don't text back straight away. Love that. Okay. If it's really important for you that you are having that constant text conversation, I am not judging you. Those are your standards. You are entitled to have those. You go do you.
9:14 What I'm trying to say is if the guy that you are texting isn't like that and maybe shares the same opinion as me, doesn't mean he's a red flag. I'm just talking about my personal experience and my personal standards and preference here. If a guy doesn't text me back straight away, I'm just like great because that means our level of ambition is the same. My mind doesn't go to oh he doesn't like me or he must be cheating on me. I think those are very limiting beliefs and ties into the whole all men are trash narrative which I hate. I think it's he's working on himself. He's living his life. He's being present. He's not on his phone all the time. Love that because same. Everyone screams dry tex text equals red flag. But what if it's not? What if he's just not interested in love bombing you? When I was in a long-term relationship with a narcissist who was love bombing me from the get- go. He was texting me all the time and he would get angry at me for
10:01 not texting him back all the time. A healthy partner is going to be grounded with a secure attachment style, not anxious needing you to constantly tell him what you're doing, where you're going. I think it's actually so much sweeter when he texts you with actual like intention when he's got something to say rather than constantly needing to be there typing to you. Green flag number seven, he challenges you. For example, he might not agree with you all the time. He might say no when you're telling him about things you're up to. Maybe sometimes he'll say, "Actually, you could do more than this." Maybe he'll make suggestions to you. Maybe he'll like gently criticize. If you want a man that respects you and grows with you and wants the best for you, he cannot also be the same man that agrees with you 100% of the time. I don't know about you, but I want a man with a backbone. And I have dated some people in my time who did agree with me 100% of
10:47 the time and were super nice and they had the best of intentions and they just wanted to impress me and be really nice and loving and I literally had to sit them down and tell them, "Please stop. I don't want you to agree with me all the time, otherwise I'm going to probably stay stuck in the same place my entire life. I want you to hold me accountable. I want you to tell me if I'm doing something unintentionally that's hurting you or if you would have a different preference. That's how we actually show up for each other properly. And that's how I grow with you in this relationship. And obviously vice versa. The biggest red flag I've ever seen in my dating experience is when a man mirrors you and copies all of your same opinions and you are going to think that you found your soulmate and you found like the love of your life. Dear God, no. I dated some people that not only mirrored my opinions, but copied my career path and my hobbies and my like what I was passionate about. It was disturbing, but that's a story for
11:34 another day. If he corrects you in private, makes a suggestion to maybe approach something in a different way, it's because he wants the best for you and actually sees you as an equal, not someone who he's now placed on a pedestal and is doing anything to impress and hope that you like him back because clearly he doesn't think he's deserving of you. Green flag number eight. He has his own life. I don't want to be the center of my partner's universe. I want themselves to be the center of their own universe. And as the girl who loves to talk about self- loveve and has written an entire book on self- loveve, I would never put a man in the center of my world and in my life, neither should he. I don't want someone's life to collapse the second that they start liking me or is in a relationship with me. I want them to still go to the gym. I want them to keep their routine. I am constantly the one
12:21 that's telling my boyfriend, "When was the last time you saw your friends? Please go and spend time with them." I think it's such a green flag for us to be doing that for our partner and for our partners to be doing that for us. Of course, I find it more of a red flag if a guy is rearranging his entire life and existence to suit you 24/7. Link back to my previous point about men having a backbone and not putting you on a pedestal. Of course, there's going to be compromise 100%, especially when you live together. But when your partner keeps their certain traditions or maybe their morning routine and doesn't center it all around you, it's giving they know what their vision is. It's giving they have standards. It's giving they know what gives them happiness and they know what serves them and of course they're going to keep it. Anything other than that, obsessing over you or even like people that need to go to the gym together 24/7 or need to do things together 24/7 is giving dependency. It's
13:06 giving anxious attachment style. You are not each other's world. You're each other's partners. You can build together and you can thrive together, both when you are physically together and when you're both apart. Green flag number nine, he moves slow. I've never been a fan of like two week love stories, love at first sight, uh, we moved in together after 5, 6 months. If that's you, I'm so sorry. Again, I'm not judging you. I don't know you personally. That's just not how I'd like to run my life. Oh my god, you guys love to ask me the question, when are you getting married? What's happening with you and boyfriend? I've been with my boyfriend for three years officially, like as in officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We've known each other a little bit longer than that. We've been living together for a year. I have no plans to get married anytime soon. Not only because I feel like I'm too young and still in my early 20s, but two, because I just think time
13:53 is the greatest thing possible to like truly get to know someone. But let's move back to the beginning of the dating phase with somebody. A guy saying that he loves you too fast, immediate red flag. Probably a narcissist and love bombing you. a guy that's already talking about kids or marriage or an engagement with you straight away. Again, links back to my first few points about does he have standards? Is he desperate? Is he trying to trick you? If you want a serious, respectful man with independence, discipline, and is in it for the long term, he is also going to want to play it somewhat slow. Again, not stringing you along, not putting you in a situationship, but understands that of course he wants to work on himself. He wants to be the best person possible before he enters a lifelong commitment in a marriage with you. He's being slow. He's not playing games to get you obsessed with him. You're both going at
14:39 the pace that suits you both best with everything else you have to balance in your own individual worlds and then doing that together. I've always said when you're in a relationship with someone, you have three lives. You have your life, your partner has their life, then you have the life you build together. Everybody thinks it's just the middle one. Everyone thinks it's just we're building a life together. No. Please have your own separate lives and build your relationship in whichever way suits what those lives look like. And finally, green flag number 10. He's too boring and there are no fireworks. I had to learn this lesson the hard way because all of my partners were exactly the same until I met Boyif, who I live with in this apartment that you're seeing right now. Boy already knows this. So, I'm sorry, Boy, that I'm repeating this in the video, but I was the girl that was saying to my friends,
15:25 there's no sparks and it doesn't feel the same. And I think he's too nice. It's like too nice. For real. The reason I was saying that was because I was so used to a specific type of toxic relationship that all of my four previous relationships mirrored. Of course, this one felt different. And I thought it was a red flag that it felt different. It was supposed to feel different because I clearly wanted something different. And the only way for me to step into a healthy relationship was to stop feeling those sparks that I felt with the bad men before. Because those sparks to me now that I'm looking back are honestly just indicators of pure chaos that me with the trauma at that point that I had not healed confused with chemistry. The love that is boring and like slow and too nice isn't boring. It's actually just stable. And it doesn't give you those addictive dopamine highs and lows that
16:12 somebody who is trying to get into a trauma bond with you while they are lovebombing and manipulating you will give you. Because a guy who texts back and shows up and listens to you and is inconsiderate isn't really giving you a challenge. And if you are someone who is used to chaos and is is used to having to earn love from somebody, that is going to feel really effing scary because it's so outside of your comfort zone for somebody to show up and give you everything you've been looking for without you having to endure any suffering in order to earn it. Remember that calm isn't boring. Calm is the green flag you've been praying for this entire time. To me, it's not a red flag on the other person. I'm going to hold my hands up here. It's a red flag on yourself, okay? And I'm saying that because that's what was my issue. And I had to read so many books about love and relationships and do my own research on how I could fix that part of myself and heal my attachment style for me to get
16:58 over that. So, I could actually see that the person right in front of me was the person I was looking for all along. And that brings us to the end of the video. I just want to give a quick disclaimer. Please take everything with a pinch of salt in this video, guys. Of course, I'm not saying this is a be all and end all. There are some guys that will take things really really slow and maybe it's because they are avoidant and maybe it is because they are trying to string you along. So keep that in mind. Everything else in this video are general lessons that I've learned from my experience. Of course it's important to implement that with your own personal standards. I am not telling you how to think. I am not telling you how to approach relationships. I think you should do things in a way that serves who you are uniquely and authentically. But that was the end of the video. I would love for you guys to comment down below um your favorite fact, your favorite red flag to green flag switch that I did. and I'm going to be reading through all of them
17:44 and responding. I actually loved filming this video. I feel like I was getting so much more fiery in this video compared to how I have been recently. Maybe like maybe I need to be doing more dating and relationship videos. If you think so, comment down below. And if a lot of you say that, I will do more of them. I will see you same time next week on Friday for a brand new video. Love you. Appreciate you. And have a fabulous weekend. [Music]
