Full transcript of “아이 문제 행동의 첫 번째 대응은 '무관심'이어야 합니다. 육아에서 '무관심'이 중요한 이유 | 아주대학교 의과대학 정신건강의학교실 조선미 교수 | 자녀 육아 부모”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 One way to deal with negative behavior is indifference. From the child's perspective, if you make this gesture, what you want will come easily. So if you look at it from the child's perspective, it's like I've given you a magic switch. You need to recover quickly or you'll become the king. A child's lack of a king in the family determines both the ability to endure and motivation. When I have nothing, it's frustrating, right? But if I endure that frustrating time, I can endure the next frustration well. It's like immunity. So for example, from the time I was born until I was 20, my parents always drove me around,
0:47 but if I suddenly have to take the bus, life will be too tough, right? Because there was no period of deprivation, life became much harder. Then, children with deprivation would have an easier time going to school. So, what builds up the strength to endure is deprivation. Another thing is, for example, if the family is well-off, so the child was given a lot of pocket money when they were in school. But after graduating from college and getting a job, this is the salary. Then, they think, is it better to live off pocket money from their mom at home or to work hard to get this money? There are many young people who quit. Then, as you mentioned earlier about deprivation, the child
1:33 always thinks that they need to hear only kind words. If you are a little unkind, it means they feel bad. So being upset actually means that their sullenness is very low. So they just don't react, so they don't care. Now, no matter how much they are upset, if no one looks at them, that behavior will disappear. When they are upset, why are you like that? I will go out and buy you something. What did your mom say? If you do this, what kind of power is this? Power, this child's power. I'm just doing this, and my family keeps coming and saying, " Should I give this, should I give this?" and if you get upset, that's a really bad attitude, especially among friends. Yeah, when there are a lot of people playing, this child is the only one who gets upset. After a few times, you don't hang out with this child.
2:19 So if you think he's getting upset, you can pretend not to see him and it will go down. Does that make you feel bad? Is that something you should be upset about? What about this? It's even crazier because it's attention - isn't that a bad thing? -All, indifference. What do you mean, when you say you're upset, it means please look after me. I'm upset, so please look after me. Then, the very act of mentioning something that makes me upset is all your attention. Ah, just go to your room and go to sleep. Come out soon. Why aren't you trying to comfort me when I'm upset? Then, if you look at them like this and they don't get what they want, they throw a tantrum. What is a tantrum? For example, children cry and do this, but when they throw a
3:05 tantrum, what's good? Then they throw more tantrums. When they throw a tantrum, mom brushes their teeth. When they throw a tantrum, mom brushes their teeth late. When they throw a tantrum, mom buys them a toy. This tantrum becomes a magic button. It's like a magic switch. When they get what they want, mom says, "Throw a tantrum , throw a tantrum, throw a tantrum." Oh, that's because they throw tantrums too much. It's not like, "We're doing this." From the child's perspective, they make these gestures and what they want comes easily. So, if you look at it the other way, from the child's perspective, it's like giving them a magic switch. In my case, if I throw a tantrum, I'll never do this. If I say it without throwing a tantrum, I'll think about it. If I
3:51 say it without throwing a tantrum, I'll think about it. When my child asks to brush his teeth, he cries until he vomits. No matter how much I praise him, he refuses and keeps giving orders. This situation repeats. What should I do in this case? Now, he refuses to praise, and since he refuses to praise, he doesn't seem to follow anything else. But now, my mother took him to the bathhouse. If you give them a toothbrush, they do this, so now this is negative behavior, right? One way to deal with negative behavior is indifference. If a child does something negative and it gets erased again, the child will do something negative again. So the child keeps getting opportunities,
4:38 but as long as these opportunities come, it's fun. In this situation, if I don't do this, you give me a new piece of paper. If I don't draw this, you give me a new piece of paper. But now, if I just give them a piece of paper and they mess up, they say, "Okay, I've finished drawing," and then I come out and do this. Adults are better at waiting than children. So now, when I test them like this, I just draw a person here. If I do this, they say, "I do n't want to draw that person, but I do this a lot." A lot more than before. Do you want to draw just one person? Then don't draw it. Why do you have to draw just one person ? Ah, here, you draw this, and just do this, and I give you paper and pencils, and I'll wait until you're done drawing, and the teacher says, "When you're done, tell me," and then you do
5:24 something else. Then, at this time, I say, " Oh, this kid doesn't follow directions well, refuses them, and now he's that kind of kid. For example, the degree to which he doesn't follow directions, his attitude of refusal, and the possibility of change. So you have to see this here, so you can wait for a long time. But now, this kid usually does n't do it. If you do it right away, he won't be able to hold out for long. I don't want to do this, so why should I do it? No, I have to do this to move on. Then, he says he does n't want to do it. So the teacher says he'll wait and does this.
6:10 So if you wait indifferently, kids who can't stand it anymore have no choice but to pretend to do it. But if you tell them to do it or give them a toothbrush, there's constant stimulation, so kids can endure it for much longer. So, just sit down in front of the bathroom and do this. And now, if he pushes or does this, try not to react as much as possible and go out. You have to do it so that you can go out. Do this three times. Now, from the parent's perspective, in those situations, what is my authority? It seems to be gone. My authority has already collapsed. You may be thinking like this, but it has collapsed. You don't do something easy like brushing your teeth. So the child is not someone whose mother can tell them to do something.
6:57 Authority is power that comes from a position. So, you brush your teeth in your position as a mother, but now the child no longer sees you as a person with that power. So you already have no authority. So it's not that you can't keep this and you have no authority, but you do n't listen because you have no authority. In the previous stage, look at where I transferred all of my authority. For example, if you say, " Brush your teeth," I don't want to brush my teeth. So I do this. "Okay, I don't want to brush my teeth. So, let's do this. Then, Mom will brush your teeth for you." Or, "Oh, okay. I don't want to brush my teeth. Let's just go to sleep today." If you do this, you lose your power as a mother, and
7:43 in the end, the children end up not having to do anything they don't want to do. The boss says, "Oh, I don't like this. Then, should I pick something easier?" Oh, this is also difficult. In that case, I'll just rest at home. Then, I don't want to work. Then, the boss doesn't have authority. The boss told me to do it, but I do n't want to do it because it's difficult. But, I'll just say, " Then I'll pay for the meal. Eat this and do it." Then, this? So then, do we need to figure out at what stage it happened and start from there? So, whether you're indifferent or not, you have to do it all at once. If you only do this and accept other things like that, brushing teeth and such are now basics.
8:31 Yes, you have to recover quickly or you'll probably become the king. The child is the king of the household. So, authority is the power that comes with that position, right? Oh, dad, when you want to do this, bring it. But now, the child has become the king and has authority. Or, " Mom, I want to do this, so get this done." So, you have to think about whether you can hand over all the decision-making related to this family to the child. Because when the child does something, they feel good, but when they don't, they feel bad. So, in order to read the child's emotions, you have to give them all your strength. Then, of course, the authority will drop, but when you bring authority, the child will feel bad. But, it seems like you're going back and forth between these two. The
9:17 child is trying to brush his teeth, but he doesn't brush his teeth - so if you say, "Watch Pororo," - Oh, do that a lot. If you show videos like this in front of the mirror, the children won't do things that don't suit their mood. Why should I do that? I have to do it, but I don't really want to, so I have to do it even if I don't want to, so there's a lot more to life than what I want to do. But now, if you increase the ratio of what they want to do like this, the amount of things they do out of duty and responsibility will decrease too much. There are children who act violently. What should we do with them? Just leave them alone. If it's
10:07 too hard to just leave them alone and watch them act like that, they go to their mom's room. So there's something to be gained through their violent behavior. Children, if they make their mom give them fewer instructions or cancel instructions quickly, or whatever, the child wants to control this situation. So now, they don't care about that. If they go to their room, they'll chase them and come in. So I just tell them to lock their room if they can. First, if they're being violent or aggressive at home or outside, you need to find out if they have any illness that could be impeding their ability to control their behavior. For example, ADHD or something like that, their behavior is so intense. So rather than
10:53 doing something unconditionally, you should find a child psychiatric disorder. So, since those children show a lot more behavioral problems, you should first determine that and, if necessary, treat them. And then the next step is, in fact, there are many children with some psychiatric problems who show these behavioral problems, and we are trying to deal with them at home or at school, but there are many cases where they will get better if they quickly go to the hospital. And first, yes, I would like to tell you to get some advice. What should we do when there is a child who is too dependent on their mom or dad, or who is too dependent on their mom and clingy? The
11:38 mother needs to think back and think about it. I think of this child as a baby. So the child thinks of himself as a baby. He is seven years old. If you treat him like a seven-year-old, kids won't do that. But what are you going to do? Oh, my baby. There is someone who has that mode. Oh, isn't my baby so pretty? Or, if you do something like that, it's so cute. When mom scoops up food for them and they eat it all up, it's so cute. So if you do that, the child will return to that age. I think that's difficult. How do you know what's appropriate for that age? If you go to a kindergarten or school, you'll know. The things that kindergarten or school can do are appropriate for their age. When you
12:25 go to kindergarten, the kids eat by themselves and do this and that right away. Then they can do that. They eat by themselves there, but at home, it 's not like you suddenly can't do it and you have to feed them something. But they can do it, but how much to make them do is up to the mom. If you lower it too much, there's someone at home who walks around and feeds them. If there's too much deviation, the child will regress and become more dependent. That's now peer group life, and ultimately, the child will have to live their entire life in a peer group. So if you do what other kids do on average, they won't hear things like "our baby" at home anymore. So you shouldn't do that.
13:11 What should you do when it's already become like that? Then, you have to wean them with a heavy heart. Mornings are war. It 's war from the moment they feed them breakfast. What should you do? Is there any way to make things a little easier? You can tell your child to eat what they like. That 's because there are people who insist on rice. Rice, side dishes. But now, I've asked those people a lot why they have to eat rice. So, why does it have to be rice? Why can't they eat cereal, rice cakes, or bread? You can't explain. Because if you give them other things like this, they unexpectedly eat other things. If you give them something they like, even adults don't have a good appetite when they wake up in the morning. Give them something they like. I think this doesn't have balanced nutrition. So,
13:58 rice is like that, but if you're really worried, eat what your child likes and give them a multivitamin. But I think this is deeply ingrained in our hearts and souls. Dressing them is the hardest thing in the world. I don't know how old they are, but if they can dress themselves, set a stopwatch and train them to get dressed in one minute or so. Give them a reward every time they do. If you keep dressing them, they'll get faster. I use my chopsticks like this, in an X shape, and my husband really hated it. But I said, "Every citizen of the Republic of Korea has freedom, so why are you making fun of other people's chopsticks?" And now that I have a child, I think I shouldn't act like my mom. So, I
14:44 gave her fifty won every time she picked up a bean with chopsticks. So, she quickly fixed her habit within a week. So, now, if she wears her clothes well, I give her a sticker. When she collects a certain amount, she can do something she likes. So, I set up a stopwatch and such rewards are okay. So, she can think about things like, “If I don’t give her something, she won’t do it.” If the mother took full control and said, “ What should I do?” then it’s okay if she does n’t listen. It’s okay if she doesn’t listen. This is the best way to learn new behaviors. The mother can discuss with the child what kind of reward she will give, but if she
15:33 follows that, saying, “I give this much for something,” it’s no longer effective. When she starts doing something she didn’t do before, she does it. Now, the trick to this behavior is to give her a reward at first and then gradually reduce the reward as she gets used to it. But at first, for example, when she starts going to an academy or doing her workbook for the first time, it’s not fun. Stickers are what help her get started and get her started. Once she gets used to it, It's a reward. In fact, when kids tell you to brush your teeth, you say, " Mom, I'm old enough to brush my teeth. I shouldn't be like this anymore." They just hate it. The way to start gently with things like dislike and annoyance is compensation. A child who has to go to school but is doing something else and I don't know what they're doing, but they
16:19 can't solve the problem because they're doing something else. What should I do with this child? I should just give up on eating and dress them roughly and take them to the car. That's because when moms work, it's really hard in the morning. But if you try to do everything in order, the mornings are hell. But you have to get dressed and go out first. So you do the important things first. So anyway, what time do you leave? If I start from number one and keep going, there won't be enough time later, so I don't have to wash my face. So I first dress them, brush their teeth, eat, and then stop eating. Then I put a snack in their bag that they
17:05 like and take them to the car. That's not because I'm saying it's good, but because of the mom's flexibility and problem-solving skills. Or, put their clothes on and give them some clothes. Because if they're late, even just once, from the perspective of a working mom, It's incredibly stressful. If I ca n't ride that car, I really don't know what I'm doing. I do n't know why raising a child is so hard. Those moments are the hardest. Without knowing what it is, mothers want that. Ah, I wish I could be this comfortable. Dad can do it.
