ASMR | Giving You Personal Dating Advice (Very Wise, Very Qualified)

0:00 Hello everybody! It's *click* Gibi! Welcome back. It's Valentines Day! (not really) This is gonna be posted.. I think the Saturday before Valentines Day. Okay so.. Valentines Day! And.. Alright, I'm dressed like.. I'm dressed like this is not a serious video, but I did take this seriously, I promise. But I wanted to be all.. holiday vibes. Dress is from BlackMilk. Headband is from Amazon. Okay.

0:46 Today's video: Dating advice. Love advice. Advice for people trying to be romantically involved with other people. This is a topic that has interested me for a long time. I feel like I have good advice... I do. I do feel like I have good advice. Not because I feel like I know everything, but mostly because I feel like I can think through things a bit, at least when it comes to relationships. Relationships are hard, and I think

1:33 a lot of people assume that you're just supposed to like, know everything off the bat. We're expected to know how to be good partners. We're expected to know what to do, how to do it. "Love is easy". I know, nobody really thinks love is easy, but it's mostly just finding the reality between.. Yes, relationships are work and effort. That is true. On the other hand, I believe some people take that the wrong way and are in bad relationships thinking that that's supposed to be normal.

2:24 But what I did was I asked you all on Twitter and on my YouTube Community page to submit to me, dating questions. Like, advice questions. And I'm gonna be all love doctor on you right now, and try to give you my input, my thoughts on some of these. I got a thousand submissions. I had to shut down the form, because I was like "Oh shoot! I- did not expect that many!" I tried to read through as many as I could, but obviously I'm only picking a couple. I did notice a lot of overlap/same questions over and over again

3:11 just kind of phrased differently, so hopefully even if I didn't answer you literal question, hopefully my pieces of advice will help you in your love life. And I have been married for over 2 years. Ben and I have been in a relationship for 6 or 7 years. Somewhere in that line. 2014. Okay. And.. Before Ben, I did date other people. I was more of like a long-term relationship person, because I'm very.. I like to talk and I like to get to know people.

3:58 A lot of talking. A lot of questions. A lot of, I guess getting like, very personal. Which is funny, because I'm actually not the most like, emotionally available person of all time. People are complicated. You know? We think we can put people in boxes, but it's weird because I am very good at talking to people about emotions, but not necessarily truly feeling those emotions. So anyway, all that to say, I'm just a person. I have some experience, but like, that's just kind of my background. And I've just been online a lot.

4:44 I've been on the pursuing end, and I've been on the 'being pursued' end. So.. Let's see. Some of these questions have short answers. Some of them, we'll talk a bit, open for discussion. The comments section is gonna be poppin' off I think, during this video. Alright so.. Let's start with.. which question? Okay. And again, a lot of these ended up being similar, but I'll read the literal question and then we'll talk about it, and talk about in general. Okay. So one of the most common ones I got was asking for advice on

5:29 "How do you tell someone you like them?" And this person said "Especially someone who you don't know has feelings for you." So this is one of my first pieces of advice that I will transcend for all my friends, everyone who asks, is that the big, bold, romantic confession is not it. That is my take. That is my opinion. But I think that when people feel the need to do a confession, like: "I just feel like I have to tell them like.. Hey, I like you! I like you, I just NEED to get that off my chest." I think that's a very

6:14 self-centered need, and not actually benefiting your true desire. If your true desire is to ultimately be with them romantically, I don't think that's a good way of going about it. I think people get impatient. They want an answer now. They can't... I think it's mostly impatience, and so they get to a point where they're just like "I just need to confess. I need to like, tell this person that I like them". And that really just puts that person in such an emotionally charged moment,

7:02 that even if they like you back, could like, change.. change things negatively, because you're relying on this person you're telling to react well to sudden, high-emotion information being thrust upon them. You know? How do you respond to that? You know? You think that the answer is like "Oh I like you too!", and then you're happy forever. But I think that confessions, for the most part, gotta go. Gotta go. They gotta go. And I think the answer is being a little more patient,

7:47 and what I wrote down was: You have to tell them through your actions. It's not about, uhm.. Like, playing a game. It's not about saying like, you know: "I like 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦. It could be someone in this very room." Like, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about actually starting to foster a relationship with them so that it happens naturally over time. And you're going to get so many interactions with this person to build off of and to start building a real, true relationship with this person,

8:36 that it should happen quite naturally, and the person will also be responding to you in those ways. You know, if you really like someone and you can't even get them to hang out with you, I don't think that they are interested in being romantic partners. You know? And telling them "Oh, I really like you!" is definitely not gonna change that, in my personal opinion. So, I would say don't be afraid to express your love for them through your actions, in other ways. Through your words even. But being..

9:22 Doing things like being thoughtful to their needs, what's going on in their life. Having real conversations with them. Remembering what they say, really listening. And enjoying getting to know them without, kind of like, this ulterior motive. Like it is super exciting when you have a crush on someone and you just like, have these huge, big feelings and you want that to manifest into something tangible. But I would say to enjoy getting to know them and, you know, compliment them. Invite them to things. Invite them to share their opinion with you and listen to their opinions.

10:07 And really get to know them. And all these things would kind of "tell them" that you like them. You know, if you're inviting someone to watch a show with you alone, on Discord even. That's something you can do with a friend, but when you're pursuing someone romantically, it kind of just happens naturally that the words that you choose, the.. the things that occur are like, tiny little ones. So it's kind of like.. If I was Snapchatting, because I remember

10:53 Snapchat was kind of big when I started romantically pursuing Ben, was I Snapchat my friends all the time. I was also Snapchatting Ben, but with Ben it just a little different. It was more of like the amount of times I was Snapchatting him, the information I was offering him, the comments I would make e.g. "Can't wait to see you when we go back to school!" That kinda stuff, Uhm that if it happened to you, you would kinda be like "I think this person likes me" Like, that's what you want, is like "I think they like me".

11:40 And if they're responding to you the way that you are reaching out to them, there you go! You're doing it! You are doing it. You're telling them you like them, and they are responding. And eventually you will get to a point where you will be able to have that conversation, that sort of relationship conversation, without it being so dramatic in a bad way, and more like, dramatic in a good way! So, be patient. Uhm, you put a lot on the line when you do confessions, and I really just think that most of the time, it will not go well. It just won't go well, and you're really just doing it for yourself,

12:26 to get it off your chest, and it puts that person in kind of an awkward situation. Which again, even if they do like you back, like it still can kind of be a little too jarring. That's my advice. Show them in other ways. Actions, you know? Compliments. Uhm, but on the other end of that, you do have to kind of accept rejection. So that was another question that, that came up. Where is it? "What do you do if they reject you?"

13:13 Okay. "What do you do if they like someone else?" Join the ranks. It is inevitable, and I don't mean that to be scary, but more in a comradery type way, like.. I have been rejected. Everyone will be rejected. You will be rejected. You'll probably reject people. And it doesn't have to be some big, dramatic rejection. Once again, if you kind of shy away from doing big, dramatic things, you'll avoid that. Uhm, they can be a little more subtle, and you can take that and move on. It will be a distant memory.

13:59 It will. It will. I know that the most dramatic things of all time have to do with love. I have always found it very.. Cringy isn't the right word, but like.. People need to chill. And that's another one of my biggest advice pieces: Chill. Please, just chill. Like, chill. Chill. It's gonna make everything so much better for you, so much easier. Please chill. Like, a lot of people do way too much, put way too much onto others when we're all imperfect beings. Idolizing a human being and being so enamored with them

14:45 and having these huge expectations for them and about them and how you want them to act towards you.. You gotta chill. Like, it's hard, because it's overwhelming, and a lot of the time it's hard to control those emotions, those impossible feeling emotions. But, if you can remind yourself to chill, logic, think about it, calm down, you know? It's just another person. Statistically, most people aren't gonna want to date you, and right back at the world for you. You are not gonna want to date most people.

15:35 It is about finding a person, or if you're not monogamous, the right people, that work with you and you work with them, so it is a two-way street. And, you know, not everyone is meant for everyone. It's like, the opposite, you know? And just remembering that, and a lot of the times we'll try to be this perfect person that every theoretical crush would find perfect, when it should be more about like.. Not about making them like you, but it's like do you really like them? You know? Are you a good match?

16:20 'Do they like you, for you?' kind of thing. Uhm, and again, being patient, which is hard. Being rejected is embarrassing and a horrible feeling and I know it's crushing. I know, I know. And it's alright to be sad about that and to feel those feelings. To feel embarrassed and to feel sad and whatnot, but uhm, pretty much instantly, your goal should be to move on. Move on. And not like, in the fake moving on way. Don't fake it. Truly move on. And I think that was another question. "Is it weird to try and get back with an ex your on good terms with?

17:07 How can I get over them?" Time. Leave them alone. In the Doctor Gibi Love School, we do not talk to our ex's. "But Gibi, my ex and I are on really good ter-" Stop ✋ I don't wanna hear it. Stop it. There's no reason to talk to your ex's. You're done. Uhm.. I know there's exceptions to this where it's like, maybe your ex is in your friend group and you have to be civil now. Like that's a sucky situation. Like that is not a good situation, and you should get out of that situation.

17:55 And it's not even like you have to have a big, dramatic breakup, but like, it's sad, and it is a big deal to end a relationship, most of the time. Sometimes it's relieving. But don't talk to your ex's. You're done. You're done, you know You broke up for a reason. And it's the same thing with like the getting back together and breaking up over and over and- Stop. I'm telling you. That's my advice. Stop it. Knock it off. If you're in that situation, I literally mean this as genuine advice, go talk to a therapist.

18:42 And I'm not being like "You need therapy!", no no no. Like seriously because if you keep getting back together with this person, there's definitely something that you need to unpack. Like, why you keep being drawn back into this relationship, what is going wrong with the relationship, and why can't you fix it, kind of thing, because that could be like, a myriad of reasons. And if you keep getting back together with them and thinking that things are gonna be different and then they aren't and then you break up again, and it's causing you to waste your time, your precious time on this earth, and put you through tumultuous emotions to not have like a stable, healthy relationship,

19:30 it's time to work on yourself. You know? And you can kind of like, unpack that relationship on the side, but you gotta stop. Stop getting back together with them. You know? Don't talk to your ex's. Go live your life. They are not the only person out there for you. They are not. You know? Just because things happened in that relationship doesn't mean that's how all your relationships are going to be. You know? You owe it to yourself to find someone that you

20:16 really get along with and can communicate well with and can grow with and be flexible with. Like no relationship is perfect, but you have to find the right person that you can work through things together, and you guys mesh with that. It's not always gonna work. And also remember that sometimes you're gonna be the problem too, you know? Sometimes the other person is the problem, sometimes you're the problem. Sometimes you're both the problem. Sometimes there's actually a third party that's the problem. But it's okay to accept things.. shortcomings about yourself,

21:03 and actually commit to working on them for your partner so that you are a better version of yourself for them. You know? Like, would you date you? The next question is: "How do I know if my standards are too high?" I think this is an interesting question, because just from that question alone, I doubt that your standards are too high. I would say maybe if you're expecting more than someone could possibly give, your standards are too high. If you couldn't reciprocate what you're looking for, your standards are probably too high.

21:50 But I'm kind of interested to hear what your standards are. You know? Because I'm not sure.. In general, I don't think standards can be "too high". It's more about are you genuinely clicking with this person. And I think if you're not clicking with them, you're going to find excuses as to why it's not working and those kind of become your standards, when it's really more just a general: "This is what I would mesh with in a partner. These are my values."

22:36 And that's kind of what standards really are, which... Everyone has standards. And it shouldn't be things on a piece of paper, like.. I don't know. If it's things like: "They have to make 'x' amount of money and be over 'x' feet tall and.." I don't know.. "If they've never heard of My Chemical Romance, I'm not dating them" kind of thing. But I would implore you to unpack what it is about each of those standards that you think you have, why that is. Where it's like, if you want someone who has a lot of money,

23:23 what is it really about, I guess? Are you looking for someone who can make you feel stable? Are you.. You know, if you want a partner to just like, monetarily support you while you do something else. Like, you're doing like, your passion like, do you really wanna be in a relationship or do you just want someone to pay for your passions? Like really try to understand why you have these standards that you think you have. But ultimately, I feel like it's okay to wait for someone you click with. One of my best friends like, she's kind of dated people on and off, but

24:10 she's always had such a good attitude about it, where she finds things in her life that she's passionate about and she's excited about. She's put her all into her job, her hobbies, her friends, and all that stuff, and she never was like, lamenting over finding a partner. And she waited until someone really came along and she was like "I really like them! We really click. I just really like them as a person." And it's not like this person was like, checking boxes that she was waiting for someone to check. It's just that sometimes, people come into our life in different times and moments.

25:00 And that's another segue into another very popular question, which was.. I got a lot of, lot of, lot of inquiries about people who think that they're too old, and they've never been in a relationship, and they must be so weird, and they have no experience, and they're missing out, and.. And they're like "And I'm 18." And I'm like "Oh baby! Stop it!" Even like, even into your 20's. Even into your 30's! But I'm saying especially.. I got multiple like, 18 to early 20's. Like, if you're in high school or you're just about to go to college, and you have no

25:45 "experience", you are not alone. Not even close. It's not weird. You aren't like, missing out. There's nothing wrong with you. There's a bunch, bunch, bunch, bunch of different reasons why you don't have that experience that you think you need to have or that it's weird that you don't have. There's a lot of things, you know? Again, the right person just isn't there. You aren't clicking. Very normal. Maybe you're, you're working on other things in your life. School, hobbies, finding out what your personally enjoy, things on the internet, reading, learning,

26:34 experiencing, fostering other types of relationships like friendships or mentorships, hanging out with your family, working on yourself. Like, all of that is really, really important to spend time on as well. And when you're so young, everyone will kind of be in a different place. And I definitely found that true right after you leave college. You'll have people in all ends of the spectrum. People who have never been on a date, people who are about to have their second kid, people who are like, travelling the world and getting hammered every night,

27:19 people who play video games all day after they get home from work and that's all they wanna do. Like, everywhere. On all spectrums. Uhm.. And it's easy to like, compare ourselves to all the different people who are doing things that you aren't doing, rather than looking at all the things you are doing! So I totally get the fear. The fear of missing out. The fear of like "I'm weird. All these people have this "experience" that I don't have, so I'm gonna be "behind" in some way." But uhm if being in the dating world and getting out there is something that interests you and you want to pursue it,

28:07 you'll like, "catch up" very quickly. And it sounds silly, but I would recommend reading some books on it. It's okay to put work and effort into learning how to have a good relationship. One of them was.. I took a class called 'Marriage 101'. It wasn't literally a 100-level class, it was.. I took it my senior year because it was like, one of those classes that everyone wanted to take. I think it was like, a 300-level Psych class, and the professor wrote this book that we had to read called 'Loving Bravely'.

28:53 And you're like "I don't wanna read this" and I'm like "No! Read it!." Something like that. So that's one that I definitely can recommend because I actually read through the book. You don't have to really have a relationship to like, garner something from this. But I also don't wanna just say "Read any relationship book ever and it'll teach you something." Like I know that there was good things in this, like "Real love starts with you. In order to attract a life partner, you must first become a good partner to yourself." And so there's like little things to work on and think about and kind of mull over. And it's a really good, intelligent reality check. So if you are worried, or you're just like, really wanting to understand relationships

29:44 but you don't know what to do.. Sorry, I got cut off. Uhm.. Read about it! There's a balance, I think, in being yourself and finding someone who works with you, and there should be some form of like, natural connection and love and like, flow between you two. But there's also the side where you do put work into relationships. Like, relationships are effort. And it's great when they feel effortless, but it's impossible for them to always be effortless. And this book actually talks about it, which is something you might've experienced

30:31 if you've ever been in a relationship where you're so enamored with the other person, and them with you, and then the "honeymoon phase" ends, and you break up because like, something happens. It's like, it was great, and then it wasn't. What happened? This book kind of addresses that as well. And it's kind of, learning how to transcend that step, which is really great, you know? There will always be- Your relationship will never be completely effortless Like, we should want to put effort into ourselves, and our relationships. Romantic, and family, and friends, and all that stuff, but..

31:18 You know, the romantic ones, if you're with one partner all the time, the stakes are a bit higher to kind of, give more time into that. So yeah, maybe read a book if you are feeling like you're behind, or you don't really know what to do or where to start, because there are so many- Oh, that's what I was saying. There have been so many studies, like scientific studies, telling you, telling us what makes a successful relationship, how we can be happier. Uhm, and it is very, very interesting. Uhm, like one of them was,

32:03 that stuck with me.. It was a study about how relationships that- They talked to couples like, decades later, and the couples that were still together, they tended to do two things. The first one was if there was an argument. If there was an argument, and the other person offers you, kind of like an olive branch, in the form of comedy, like trying to break the tension a little bit.. Like if I'm mad at Ben and he's kinda mad at me, and we're like, in this whatever, and then he like, makes a joke,

32:49 he is extending an olive branch. He's offering to like, defuse the tension. Successful.. The most successful relationships are the ones who would accept that olive branch every time, instead of being like "I don't know why you're joking about this right now. It's not funny!" Like, being mean back, but accepting that. Interesting, right? Like there's literally things that you can learn, and recognize, and be aware of. And then the other one was.. I think I actually saw this repeated on TikTok recently, and the example they used was: If you have two partners, and one of them says "Oh my gosh, look at that bird!",

33:35 a good predictor for a long-term, reportedly good relationship, the other partner would look. That simple! They'd look, and say "Oh, that's a great bird!", or whatever, you know what I mean? And a relationship that is not as likely to be reported as happy or to ultimately end, they would be like "I'm not looking at that bird, I'm doing something else", like on their phone or whatever. So.. little things. Little things. And you can learn them. You can learn them, but you have to put the effort in, and that's kind of, I guess what I'm saying. And again, it's kind of with the confessions and things like that too, it's like you're just..

34:26 You're trying to cut corners. You're trying to cut corners and it might not work out well for you in the long run if that's what you really want, you know? Okay, what's next? Alright, I do a couple of like, pretty fast ones with like, short answers and then maybe I'll go back to some longer ones. "How do you find a woman that doesn't just want... my body and my money?" I would say have something to offer her that are not those things. Do you have nothing else to offer? "When do you know to keep things to yourself and not comment about something about your partner?"

35:12 Uhm.. I am so bad at that. It is something that I recognize I am bad at. I have a hard time discerning it, so I have been working on it. And my advice there is to say it out loud in your head first, imagine what their reaction would be realistically, what your intention is. Why am I saying it (x2), and what will saying it do? Is it going to change the situation? Is it worth it? And ultimately, I need understand how can I say what I really mean instead. And it's okay to be

35:58 more honest, even though it feels silly at first, where instead of saying something to Ben.. Like, I think he's doing something wrong, right? And I just feel the need to tell him that. I'm like, if I say that, it's not really being constructive, it's just being, you know, whatever I try to understand why I want him to do it differently. Does he really need to do it differently? And ultimately, is it something where it's like.. And I've got into the habit of saying "I'm really annoyed right now because of x, y, z", even though it sounds kind of silly. Like, just really verbalizing your true feelings and what you're thinking,

36:46 your true thoughts, even if it doesn't sound eloquent, if it sounds kind of silly, working on that instead. So yeah.. And you can always keep it to yourself, and try not to like, hold it there until the next time and then you're like "See! You always do that! You always do that." It's tough. It is tough. I'm not perfect. "There's a guy who used to like me back last year when I had no interest in him, now I like him and I don't know what to do about it." I did the same to Ben. Ben liked me first. I got back together with my ex.

37:33 Then I was like "Oops... mistake", was single again, and then I liked Ben, and Ben was like "I don't really have time for you anymore", you know? Which was very good of him to do. Very good of him to do. But my advice there is kind of what we were talking about in the beginning of this video, is just start showing him again that you like him. What did he do to express that he liked you? Like, can you do those things back to him? (without having it be a confession) There you go. "I have a massive crush on this guy, except I believe he's unattainable (maybe, I'm not too sure). However, I'm conflicted. He's a great guy, wonderful friend. I'm not too sure what to do.

38:18 I'm even having trouble with starting a conversation through text. In person seems easy, but I don't have a reason to text him. I really want to. Could you help?" We all think our crushes are unattainable, because we are the ones that have a crush on them. It's actually great, I love it. Where it's like, you have these great eyes for them, so if you do start dating, it just feels amazing, like "I can't believe this person likes me back!" I think that's just like, a good sign. He's probably very attainable, you know what I mean? Like.. I know what you mean, but also, don't worry too much.

39:04 You'd be surprised, I guess. I would say to ask him questions like- If having conversations in real life is fine, try to sneak in a couple more questions than usual. Follow-up things, figuring out what he's doing, what he's into, and really listen. Listen and remember what he says And eventually, you should get something that you could follow-up on quite easily. For example, if he ended up talking about a show or something, you could text him that you're gonna start the show. Like, "Oh, did you say.. You said Breaking Bad was worth the watch, right?

39:50 I think I'm gonna start it." Like, that's a great text. And be like "I'll let you know what I think". And then like, when.. Shows are a really good way to bond. Events, music, video games, stuff like that. It's like, a pretty easy tee-in I think. Uhm, and then you get to text them about the show, what's going on. Like, things that they're really passionate about and like, can get excited over. Like again, Ben and I, I remember we talked a lot about Game of Thrones when I was trying to 'woo' him again. And he was a huge Game of Thrones fan, he had already seen it. I was just starting my watch, so I was able to be like "Oh my gosh! X, Y and Z just happened, that was crazy!"

40:37 text stuff. Yeah.. So that's a good example, I think. Okay, this one's tough. I had a lot of questions about surviving long distance relationships. Uhm.. especially during Covid. Fun video date ideas. I would love to open that up to the comments section, if you're listening to this. If you have any suggestions on fun online things. I love trivia. Websites like Sporcle are really fun if you can do those together. Long distance.. I have a very not too common reaction to long distance relationships.

41:23 It's never really bothered me, so I can't give the good advice on like, how to stay connected, because I was kind of bad. With my long distance relationships, it was a bit out of sight, out of mind. Not sure if it's like, ADHD tendency, I don't know. Because I tend to do that with a lot of things. I was so busy and focused on other things that I didn't really have time to be sad about my long distance relationships, however the caveat for that is my long distance relationships all had expiration dates on them. Like, when Ben and I were long distance for a year/year and a half,

42:11 I knew when we would be moving in together. Like, I knew I was only going to be separated for a year. So during that year, I had already felt comfortable with being with him, our relationship was strong, etc. We did visit each other quite a bit. So I was fine with it, so I feel like I don't really give good long distance relationship advice. Like, I started streaming that year. I was busy, you know? So please, commenters, long distance relationship advice, date advice, online relationship advice. Thank you. "I have a girl who I was talking to about a year ago. Around lockdown, I called it off because I was afraid of a serious relationship. She has since agreed to start talking again, and I realized I made a massive mistake,

42:58 and I told her that. She told me then, because she was hurt, she's not ready for a relationship. But we've been talking for about a month now, and I want to how and when I should broach the "where are we going?" question, as I want to know if she sees a future, but don't want to scare her away as we agreed to take it slow". Yes.. I think, once again, instead of a confession/direct approach, start acting like you have a future together. Like, treat her that way, you know? And it will feel more natural and kind of happen, rather than like, a structured thing that she has to agree to.

43:43 And like, no wonder like, you're scared of being in a serious relationship because it's like, all of a sudden there's this question, there's this pressure, and now it's like "I'm supposed to be different now. Things are different now", instead of just acting how you wanted to be anyway, I guess. But I believe in this situation, you have put the ball in her court, you let her know how you feel. You apologized, you're talking again. So if anyone's gonna come with that question, it should be her. She knows how you feel, kind of thing so, be patient. Again, it's only been a month. Patience. Chill. Enjoy. Get to know. That kind of thing. "This may be the opposite to the point of the video, but I was wondering what your thoughts are

44:33 about how to break up with a partner the best way. I feel like this topic should be talked about more often." Like, literally how to break up with them is probably personal to the relationship if it's just a matter of you aren't compatible and you don't wanna be together. It sucks, but having a small conversation first, and then having like, an official conversation, of course in person if you can, if it's safe and you're comfortable. It doesn't have to be a big long thing, but it depends why you're breaking up, I guess, if they want to talk about it or unpack things or if it just seems really out of the blue for them or whatever.

45:21 But once you've broken up with them, leave them alone. Leave 'em alone. Okay? That is the best way. You're done. It's over. They can unpack it on their end. You unpack it on yours. Leave 'em alone. Thank you. Male insecurities. This is super interesting. "Feel like I'd easily get a girl as uglier and less romantic men than me have gotten the prettiest girlfriend. Yet it seems that either I come off as a creep, or they smell my insecurity or whatever, but it never works out for me. What is it that makes women flee from me, and what do I have to change?"

46:10 Okay.. First of all, about the "uglier and less romantic men", I think first you should change that mindset, because it's a little bit like.. The person they're dating clearly doesn't think that they're ugly, and they clearly do think that they're romantic, and it's about finding someone that clicks with you, you know? Once again, there's like a bunch of people who you would get along with dating and bunch of people you wouldn't. Everyone is very different, and finding the two-way street of

46:57 someone you like and likes you is personal, and so I can say like, "Well, that person's uglier than me so I don't understand why they're dating them and not me", when it has so much more to do than that. So, kind of changing that mindset is going to help you a lot, because I think you're right. I think that is you being insecure in yourself and kind of projecting that onto other people. But I think like, reading tone and body language is important here, and taking it slow. If I could guess, I would probably say you need to have some more patience.

47:43 Like, if you are desperately trying to pursue for the sake of pursuing, rather than "do I really like this person?", "are they showing signs of interest in being around me?", "are we having a good time together?". Like, those are the questions that you should ask instead of like, "how do I get this woman to date me?", or "how do I get A woman to date me?". Uhm.. Once again, chill. Chill. And that will help with your insecurities a lot, is just chill. You're probably putting a lot of expectations on yourself, and then having expectations for these women that you want to date. How you want them to act, how you want them to respond. And when they don't, you get disappointed or you feel like you have done something wrong or like,

48:33 you know.. "And then if it's not me, it must be them." and "What's wrong with them?" and "I'm fine." Just like, a vicious cycle for sure. So I would try to identify what you do feel confident in and lean into that, instead of trying to identify what you think people will like. It's like being yourself, but in a very.. Like you have to commit to that. You have to commit to being yourself and relax. Be in the right place at the right time, appropriately you know, coming up to people. You aren't going to be able to

49:18 find your soulmate at the grocery store or at the gym or you know, your co-worker, like.. If someone's just trying to shop, they're just trying to work out, they're just trying to do their job. Like, I think that we are conditioned to think these are places that I'm supposed to find love and all that stuff when most of the time, it's not very appropriate. So if you can find- If you're real goal is to date someone, you have to surround yourself with people who also have that same goal. So, you know, things like dating apps and stuff and, once again I think with the insecurity.. Yeah, it is something that you can work on,

50:04 and read about, and address, and kind of like, "fix" or feel more comfortable in before you put pressure on yourself to be dating someone. Otherwise, you're going to date someone, and if you still have what you feel is like, very severe insecurity, it's not likely that you're relationship is going to go well if you're constantly relying on another person to make you feel secure and to always validate that feeling. I would predict a lot of jealousy, maybe even going into like, the controlling end, and that's just a mess. So, I hope that this dialogue kind of helps.

50:54 It's hard to say, like "Just relax, just be yourself. Everything will be fine. Like I know that sounds like a load of bull or whatever, but I do genuinely mean it. And mostly to just like, do identify what you feel confident in, what you are comfortable with, the type of people you like to be around, and make it more of like a fun experience. And try to recognize when you're putting so much pressure on yourself, or pressure on the people around you. "How to get a guy you don't knows attention?"

51:39 Through a friend. I think meeting- And I got a lot of questions about how to meet someone, or how to meet people in general. I would try to.. You know, you can always do the tried and true whatever, like join a club, join sports, do online things, hobbies, school. Uhm, all that stuff, but I think a good thing to do is to be invested in spending time with your friends, and asking to meet their friends, and then asking to meet their friends, and like, going to things where you meet your pool of people getting bigger, rather than like, trying to find brand new people all around. And like, eventually you know, you'd get to meet

52:28 people that are kind of similar in your interests, and they get to know you and you kind of figure out what type of people you like hanging around, that kind of thing. But if, like.. This guy, you don't know him, how do you know who he is then? You know? Do you know anyone who knows him? Is there any connection you can make there? That would be my advice. "I like this person but they're kind of a bully. And I don't know, I just want to know if I should do something about me liking them, or if I should just move on." I guess it depends what kind of bullying we're talking about. I would say it's fine to indulge yourself in this crush,

53:18 and then ultimately let it go. Like, you don't want to "lead them on", and then hurt their feelings if they end up liking you and you're like "Well, you're a bully, so I don't really wanna be with you to be honest." Second point is if you're in the mindset of like "I could change them", move on. And then third point is.. Again, I don't know what your referring to as "bully", but people aren't perfect, you know? So.. I don't know how serious this is. People aren't perfect, so it's not like.. I don't know, like if you're...

54:05 I don't know. I guess the way that you're phrasing it makes it sound like you probably don't want to be around them because they're mean. So I would say like, it's fine to be like "Oh, I kind of have a crush on them", and ultimately move on. You're good. Oh, okay. Let's talk about this one again. I'm kind of circling back. "Is confidence really as important as people make it out to be? I'm a 16 year old male in high school without much, if any, relationship experience." Yes! Confidence is as important, but it's not in the cocky, "I know everything and I'm never embarrassed and I'm so cool" way. No. It's actually more in a

54:53 "I am comfortable with myself. This is me, and therefore, I am comfortable to be around". I think a lot of it is not taking yourself too seriously sometimes. Showing passion other times. You know, it's not like you always have to be self-deprecating and put yourself down, but it's like, don't take yourself too seriously. When you're super into something and you do wanna take it seriously like, be passionate. Show your passion, your competitive side, whatever it is. But embrace who you are, embrace what you love doing, and you're gonna come across as confident

55:41 because you're clearly doing what you love and being who you are. And that's kind of what it is. That's kind of what confidence is. Rather than being like super extroverted and bold and all that stuff. Like, you can be an introvert and still give off confidence. And yeah, like laughing through things without being too self-deprecating, stuff like that. In a relationship, I would say confidence is learning how to communicate, instead of being like "I don't know what to do, I don't know what she wants or he wants and I just like..." They need to tell me what they want and whatever".

56:28 You need to learn how to ask things. Learn how to talk about your own feelings. How to be nice and listen to what someone's saying. Follow up with questions to clarify, make sure you understand. Remember things they say, and follow through on those things. That's confidence. There are so many more! I wanna answer more! We have to do a part two. "What are the best places to go/things to do on a first date?" The zoo or the aquarium. That is my answer. You can do food after, get some sushi. The zoo or the aquarium, that is such- That's the best first date.

57:20 "How do you know if you actually have feelings for someone, or if you're just hyperfixated or bored?" Even if you are hyperfixating or bored, those feelings towards a person are still genuine. Like, regardless of where they're stemming from. So it's kind of like, what you do with that information. So the important thing is to not toy with other peoples emotions on purpose. Like, if you.. you know, uhm.. Like, don't do it for your own entertainment, if possible. Like if you really think "I might like this person", that's okay. Like, go for it, pursue it. Dip a toe in, start doing things with them

58:06 and see how you feel. Take it slow, and see if you're really liking it or not. Once again, no big bold confessions or anything like that, and then you're like "Well, actually I was just bored" Stop. So yeah, uhm.. Just like, take it easy, take it slow. Be patient, and you'll be able to discern it soon enough. "Do you think soulmates exist? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. If yes, what do you think makes a soulmate? If not, how do you explain love and stuff?" Okay. I think it's a bit of like, a meta

58:53 cycle, because.. Okay. Like.. Okay. I think we could be happy in many, many, many different paths in our lives. Very different paths. And it would just be different. Some a little "better", some a little "worse", but a lot of them would just be different. So it's not like- But it's hard to prove that, because I am in this reality. The reality where I'm with Ben, and I'm very happy with Ben, so now once I'm in that and I've committed to that path

59:38 and I've spent so much time and energy, and him as well like, getting to know each other and building that bond where now, if that bond were to break, it would be devastating. So we've become each others soulmate, I guess. But I don't think it's impossible that there is another reality where Ben finds somebody else that's just different than me, and is very happy and successful and like... So on one hand, yes. Like, they become your soulmate. And then so he is.

1:00:23 But also to think about it in terms of, if you think you're with your soulmate and you lose them, there are- Like, I don't think that your life is over. And I don't mean that in like a callous way, because you've lost someone very important. But I don't think that there's this one soulmate for you, and if something happens, that's it. You know? Across all realities, across all possibilities. It's kind of the same with anything else, where it's like "There's a reality where I have kids, and I'm happy. There's a reality where I don't." But some people, they would ONLY happy if they had kids.

1:01:11 Sorry, I am rambling. But anyway.. You can muse over the fact that there are different realities where, you know, Ben would've been happy with someone else, but it doesn't- For our situation, it doesn't matter to muse over those possibilities. It's kind of just like "Oh yeah!", you know? And it's not offensive to me or anything like that. But that's kind of my stance on soulmates. But it is helpful to think about it that way if you're in a situation where it's like, you know, if Ben broke up with me, and I'm like "Oh my god, he was my soulmate and now I'm spiraling", sort of thing.

1:02:00 Where it's like, yes I would be upset.. And that's like a whole other topic, would be dealing with that upset. But another way you can think about it is if they break up with you, they probably weren't your soulmate. You know? If it's like, a break up situation. Or you can have multiple soulmates. Or anything. I think it's mostly about building that bond, and then committing to that in some capacity. In whatever capacity you both agree on. It doesn't always have to be

1:02:48 marriage, you know? It doesn't always have to be that. It doesn't even have to be forever. It's whatever you both talk about, and agree on, and envision, and work towards. It just so happens that marriage is popular, and that's what a lot of people think they're supposed to do. But not necessarily. Not necessarily. And it doesn't make your relationship less valid, you know? Or less successful. Okay, a couple more because I know that I'm making this way too long. "What's a good way to keep a conversation going?"

1:03:34 Definitely, questions are good, that they can answer. But it's a two-way street, so if you're asking them things and they're responding, but not asking you anything back or not following up or not... You know, they're only sending one text or their answers are kinda short, cut your losses. There's nothing you can do to revive that, like it's a two-way street. Just remember that. But you know, respond to their questions. Offer experiences that you've had, offer opinions, and ask them questions back, and continue on that. That kinda thing. It's okay to double-text!

1:04:22 "What do you do if you fall for a friend who's in a relationship?" Wait. Wait. Just wait. That's all you have to do. Just wait. Because either they will break up and you get together, or they break up and you don't and you get over them, or they don't break up, and you get over them. There are your options. You must wait, and not sabotage things, and not confess. Stop. There's a plane, but I don't care. "Whenever my girlfriend and I have a small fight and I'm in the wrong, she says she doesn't wanna talk for a while. My first instinct is always to call to apologize, but I know she wants her space as well.

1:05:08 Have you ever had that happen to you, and what's your advice for either side?" So she is communicating her need for space with you, and I would definitely respect that. If she says she needs space, give her space. Don't call, you're right. But I think that the best thing to do is to bring it up when you're both in a good mood, and straight up ask her. Say "When you say that, when you say "I need space", all I wanna do is apologize because I feel terrible. Like, I just wanna pick up the phone and call you. How do you feel in those situations?", and wait for her answer. Because she could be like, you know, "I say I need space, but I really do like when you call.",

1:05:54 and then you have your answer. Or if it's someone like me, I really do need space. When I say I need space, I mean it. I would say "Yeah, you know what? Just let me come to you. Like, I'll come to you that night, or tomorrow, or whatever." And then at least, she should give you some form of expectation that she should follow in her own head the next time that happens. Make a plan. If this happens a lot, make a plan. So when she says she doesn't wanna talk, maybe you could say, if it's over text or something, "Okay, I'm sorry. I love you, and I'll text you tomorrow."

1:06:40 And then do that. Like, do that. And if she texts you before tomorrow, obviously answer her, but, you know.. That's what I would do. "How do you know when a relationship is too far gone to "save", and how do you know if you're dating a narcissist?" I think you maybe have your answer if you're messaging me this. Therapist. Couples therapist. A licensed family therapist, at least if you're in the US. Psychology Today is really good at filtering them. If they don't wanna go to couples therapy, and you think your relationship is too far gone to save, and you think they're a narcissist,

1:07:30 I think you have your answer. I'm so sorry. "How to handle cranky future mother-in-law that doesn't take me seriously?" Set your boundaries. You're an adult. You're in an adult relationship. And be prepared, again, to find a good therapist, because it really depends on how your partner acts with them too. Like usually there's a lot to unpack there, between your partner and the mother-in-law. So, it's mostly their burden to bear and you can support them through it, but they should, in a relationship, stand behind you. Like..

1:08:16 They should be standing behind you if you're in a relationship, and your mother-in-law is being disrespectful. Last one, maybe? Okay. Ah, this is a good last one! "What should I do when my lover/partner/crush is talking to another person?" Let's have the jealousy talk. Jealousy.. Evil jealousy. It's the toughest thing, because jealousy is so self-sabotaging. It is incredibly self-sabotaging and so hard to navigate. So, you have options.

1:09:03 And honestly it depends, because you have your lover and your partner, which is like, you should have a foundation of communication and trust. Even if it's a new relationship, you should have those things. With a crush, it's not really your business. You know? There's no.. There's nothing there, because it's not a two-way street. They don't owe you anything. So I would say with a crush, you give them space and time to miss you if you can't handle being around them. And don't lie to yourself. If you can't handle being around them without being jealous, without being mean,

1:09:50 without thinking bad things about the other person, give them space and time, because it'll also help you eventually get over them. You know, they're interested in somebody else, they're doing something else. It doesn't involve you, it's not your business. And that's the reality, you know? You need to like.. You need to give yourself that reality check, and respect that, kind of. With a partner or a lover, somebody that you have an established relationship with, I would say it's in your best interest to approach the conversation as kindly and gently as possible,

1:10:35 while also setting boundaries and expectations. If you go into the conversation sounding jealous and controlling and whatever, even if you're justified, it's just not gonna go as well for you as if you approach it like, kindly. Because no matter what, just depending on their reaction or whatever, you wanna remain in control here, and you don't wanna self-sabotage yourself. So I used to date someone who- People. More than one. People who were very controlling, and it has become a very pet peeve of mine. Like, beyond a pet peeve.

1:11:25 You know? And because they tried to tell me what I could and could not do, and be jealous and be like "You can't wear that" or "You can't do that" or whatever.. Because they're desire was to keep me. Their actions, that they were doing because they were scared of losing me, were the actions that caused me to leave. So it's very self-sabotaging, once again. If you don't have that trust in your partner or that confidence in them or whatever, it's like.. Is it a good relationship in the first place?

1:12:13 And confidence in yourself that you are a good partner, and they should want to be with you, and you are a gift and a gem. With jealousy or infidelity or all that stuff, you need to create your own personal boundaries. And it's not like "You can hug for less than 3 seconds. And your arms have to be over and not under" or whatever, not that nitpicky. But you have to have your own personal boundaries, which is like what you're comfortable with and what you're not, and have an honest conversation that isn't like, an angry conversation with your partner to talk about that. And then know your partners' boundaries. They know yours.

1:13:01 And have that trust. And it should be way less like, feeling like rules that you're making. Rules like "You're allowed to do this. You're not allowed to do this, etc." But just to generally know your boundaries and what you're comfortable with. And there should be a decent amount of unspoken stuff that you "should" or "should not" do. But yeah, if they're talking to another person, there's a lot of layers with that. Do they have history? Are they flirting? How do you know they're flirting? Are you just being "jealous"? How old are they? [mumbling] I don't know.

1:13:48 So yeah, hopefully that kind of covered your question, but I did wanna talk about jealousy a little bit, and warn against the self-sabotage. You know? Sometimes we have bad relationships or bad experiences. Like, if you've been cheated on, you know it's devastating. But to not always project that into your future relationships and sabotage them, kind of thing. Like if you were cheated on, they did something wrong to you, and it was bad, and you deserve to feel bad about that. But it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. You know? And your future relationships can and will be healthy, and good, and trustworthy.

1:14:36 Alright.. That is all the time I have today, but I do feel like this may be opens a conversation to perhaps a part two. If you're interested, let me know. Thank you so much for submitting your questions. I can't wait to read all the comments about what you guys think. Once again, take my advice with a grain of salt, you know? Either mull it over, see if what I said makes sense, if it's something you wanna try. But ultimately, you know, you have to know yourself and know your situation, so.. Thank you guys! Happy Valentines Day! Oh! Love is in the air!

1:15:22 Never complicated, never terrible. Just wonderf- Wonderful love! Easy love! So easy. So uncomplicated. We love love. Goodnight everybody! I'll see you in the next video.