Child Behavior Solutions Webinar: Child Defiance - Overcoming Opposition, Resistance and Backtalk

0:00 okay so welcome to our webinar on dealing with a defiant child how to overcome opposition back talk and resistance using democratic parenting methods on this webinar you're going to learn why kids get defined or oppositional communication skills that trigger a child's subconscious desire to cooperate you'll also learn when and when not to use consequences and the difference between natural consequences and coercive conse quences and you'll learn how to set up effective family meetings also we'll discuss four Democratic parenting methods to deal with Defiance without using punishments threats bribes or rewards and much more so first off who am I I'm Dr blae Ryan

0:49 I'm a doctor of Chinese medicine and so that means that I was trained to look at the root cause of disease not just the symptoms and when I became a parent myself my training led me to question W the standard approaches to raising children from the old school authoritarianism approach to the modern-day permissiveness when I looked at these two uh polarities of approaches around parenting neither really rang true to me and I asked myself you know might there not be an easier way a less stressful way for both myself as a parent and also for my child and so I started to doing a lot of research and that led me to founding child brain health and eventually the parent learning club which is an online membership uh program to educate parents on Democratic parenting methods and I'm

1:34 the author of democratic parenting and Democratic parenting is the book which pretty much coalesces the majority of the research over the years on Child Development child behavior and child psychology and so today we're going to talk specifically about Defiance and um we have a lot of information to cover here so I'm going to talk pretty quickly and then there's a few parts that are more interactive in this webinar and then at after the main presentation we'll get into some answering some of your specific questions I'll open the uh the chat box everyone can ask away so if you have any specific questions about your child uh save them for now I won't be able to look at them right now and at the end of the main presentation as we go through the main material we'll get a chance to address your question

2:21 personally so um until then if you have uh if there's any audio issues or anything like that just uh pipe up and let me know in the chat box and uh we'll get started so where do we start here let's start at the problem the problem that we're talking about is child Defiance or opposition or sometimes children even get the diagnosis of being OD which stands for Oppositional Defiant Disorder meaning that the children's are over overly oppositional and defined on an ongoing basis also back talk or any types of resistance or stubborn Willl uncooperative of behaviors gen General disrespect that we can see in children so where do we where do we go to solve

3:06 this these problems well my Approach which I think largely comes from my training in Chinese medicine is to look at the root cause behind any problem in order to create uh effective long-term permanent change rather than just trying to focus on the symptoms uh I like to go at a roote so to explain this and for us to really get a a good view of what's happening here and why children misbehave I use the model of the roots and the fruits and if you've seen some of my other webinars or if you've read the book Democratic parenting you're probably familiar with this so the fruits refer to the symptoms the behaviors the things we see the actual problems or the results that we experience in our lives and in um in our relationships the roots are the reasons

3:52 and the causes for those symptoms behaviors problems and results they're also the motivations behind uh certain behaviors so you know if we have certain like if we're if we have a apple tree this is the analogy I often give if you have an apple tree grown in your backyard and it starts to produce rotten fruit so and and you ask your neighbor you say you know my my apple tree is uh is producing these rotten fruit you have any advice and they say yeah the uh the grocery store has a sale right now on uh on apples and they have these beautiful red shiny apples you can get a bushel for you know 10 bucks and uh just go there bu buy a couple of bushels and then uh take all the rotten ones off your tree tape all the other ones up and then you'll have an apple tree with beautiful

4:37 shiny red apples and problem solved well that's looking at it from the perspective of um of fixing the symptoms or focusing solely on the behaviors trying to fix the the problem on the fruit level but the the reason why the tree would be producing these rotten fruits is the root right the reason underneath the root so we might the the uh the soil might be lacking some nutrients minerals or there might be an in infestation of some kind that is affecting the uh the tree or U maybe they're not getting enough water uh maybe the tree is not getting enough water so those underlying reasons are the root cause and if we address those with our fruit tree then we can we can help our tree produce a healthy

5:24 delicious Red Fruit by itself right rather than than us trying to fix a problem on a purely symp atic level so that's the approach that we want to take take when dealing with our children's Behavior so in this case the fruit again that we're dealing with the problems that we just outlined are the the Defiance and the opposition and this type of thing so what's the root to these to this type of behavior why do kids act in defiant ways or become oppositional um so there are three main reasons and again if you have my book Democratic parenting you're familiar with these and it's very important for us to go over this again and again so that we can really understand how to affect uh a total transformation on the side of our child's Behavior so that they become more cooperative and less

6:10 resistant so the first reason that a child will misbehave in any way uh in this case we're talking about Defiance are legitimate unmet needs so you know we can talk there's there's 15 main needs that um that I've isolated in my research essential childhood needs and these are reflected on basically three levels the physical needs our social needs and our mental needs and this there's there's a lot way too much information to go into right here in this webinar so I'm just going to skim the surface of these needs and actually in May I'll be doing a webinar to uh specifically on these childhood needs and uh we'll go into each one of these 15 ones and explore them and see how we can meet them using a variety of different techniques and methods and activities but for right now uh it's

6:57 important for us to look at the main needs that are associ associated with children who act defiant or oppositional so what I've seen again and again um are with children who act this way is that often times there these are the needs that are missing the need for autonomy the need for information the need for processing and that's processing experiences processing emotions or feelings um the need for attention some children who just need extra attention will sometimes uh act out in really oppos oppositional ways in order for them to get that attention and this follows that age-old saying where you know bad attention is better than no attention at all uh explaining why

7:44 children will sometimes act naughty also the need for contribution can go unmet and then cause a child to become defiant so the need for contribution here here refers to the the natural desire that we all have deep deep inside for us to feel like we're contributing socially to our to those who we're connected with whether it's a family whether it's our class or whether we're grown up and adults and we're contributing to the area in which we work or our community or the World At Large so this is a deep-seated um psychological need that we all have is to feel like um our actions have meaning and that's where this need for contribution comes in and um these are these needs are actually

8:30 oftentimes much easier to meet for our children than we think um and using these Democratic parenting methods you'll see how that we can meet these needs in in a variety of different ways um but the thing is that they often just go overlooked and um you know and we live we all just live such busy Lifestyles nowadays that uh we can just get really easily wrapped up in our own pressures and our demands of stress stress of daily life and responsibilities where we can just uh sometimes times these needs can go unmet for a little bit too long and we can forget a little bit or just not be aware of the importance of meeting these needs for our children and then um our child our children will try to let us know through the only means that they know how which is oftentimes just resisting us and defying us and um you know um

9:19 being more oppositional or or talking back to us and that's really their way to let us know that there are some needs that of theirs that are not being met the thing is is that even as you've probably experienced in your own life in your own relationships whether it's those with your spouse or intimate Partners or friends or other family members or even sometimes at you know in your work uh with your boss or other colleagues you know as grown adults listening to this with Children of your own you've probably experienced time and time again where you have a hard enough time Discerning what needs of yours are missing and uh even more so trying to communicate these needs that you may have to others in your life like I said

10:04 people in your work or family or your spouse you know uh relationships that you have with others oftentimes as adults we have a hard enough time trying to communicate that we might need something let them know let let alone have the clarity to know what it is we need um so we can definitely be empathetic uh from that perspective of how challenging and difficult it can be for our children to try to Express to us the parents and the adults uh what needs they might be lacking okay so it's really important just to keep that in mind that when our Childs do um act defiant uh you know oftentimes they're trying to tell us that they're missing something they have the these unmet needs that are missing so that's just one of the three reasons uh that

10:50 children will act defiant or or misbehave is uh unmet needs the next one that we will discuss are um are Role Models okay now children are natural-born mimics that's how they learn how to walk and talk and relate to the world and respond to challenges in life through modeling the adults and the other role models in their in their lives and their environment and watching how they respond and how they act and how they talk um so there's there's a few different types of role models that the children have the primary one are the parents of course and then we have siblings and other family members then as we step outside the Family Circle we have peers and friends and other adults

11:36 like teachers or people in the community and finally we step outside the the realm of actual um person person interaction and even characters in books and stories on TV or in movies or even in video games all these characters can influence our children and act as role models for types of behavior um and then also different toys as well as well are are ways where children can pick up different ways of being um and and acting in the in the world so we can see immediately that a lot of you know that you know if our children are watching the symptom Simpsons for example and they're having bart simpson as a role model uh we can see how a child might start to act defiant or oppositional because of uh of seeing that role model

12:22 on TV and the next reason why children will misbehave or become defined is stress okay and a lot of people sometimes they don't give stress it's due for affecting children but nowadays more than ever before our children are put under a lot of stress and pressure to keep up with a very fast-paced world that is centered more around adults much more than children children grow up in a world where they have very little power um and very little autonomy um you know and they're kind of forced along these very busy schedules with very little time to process their experiences and and just relax and be uh because oftentimes in the modern world there's a large uh emphasis on doing and accomplishing and and learning and just

13:08 doing more and more and more um and and this can just build up stress and pressure and doesn't oftentimes give children the opportunity to process perhaps um uh hurts whether those are actual physical hurts or more emotional hurts that can happen in life through disappointments or physical things so you know uh we can talk about the hormonal effects of stress and how this affects the brain there's different uh stress hormones that that happen when a child gets stressed there's cortisol which affects the the learning and the memory it even affects blood sugar the immune system and it affects the whole health of the body we also have uh neuro epinephrine adrenaline which is released during stress and this also affects attention and response and affects the body in many different ways so I'm just

13:54 mentioning these so that you can understand the uh importance of uh reducing stress in your child's life and also assisting them to heal from uh from stress or um hurts that they haven't had a chance to process yet because it's very beneficial and it can really help them to uh to get back on track around their behavior otherwise these stress hormones uh you know actually are toxic to the brain cells and really cloud their ability to to process information to be receptive and um and to be more more cooperative and present because their their body is almost being held hijacked by these stress hormones so the psychology behind why children get stressed we have to look we have to understand the development of the human child where they are dependent on their

14:41 their parents for a much longer period than any other animal on earth um and their survival is 100% dependent on us so anything that threatens their sense of connection with their caregiver whether it's their parent or or someone else will trigger their instinctive fight or flight drive for survival so that means that children feel stressed any times they experience the feelings of disconnection so this can be through criticism through isolation or any even confusion which causes them to feel incredibly disconnected to their environment to to reality and to to what's happening around them so whenever they experience criticism isolation or confusion we can know that there's a disconnect and their stress response will begin whether it's a severe stress

15:29 response which caus a lot of hormones to get released and really affects their thinking and their presence or whether it's just a minor one will obviously depend circumstance to circumstance but we need to keep this in mind so there are four causes of childhood stress first we have aggressive stress and this is tangible pain or the fear of pain so this is referring to you know hitting violence spanking shaking yelling scolding abuse whether it's physical emotional or sexual or any kind of trauma these are all aggressive stressors then we have uh passive stress okay passive stress is the pressure of unmet needs okay we just talked about the the first reason why children will

16:14 act uh in in difficult ways or become defined is because of legitimate unmet needs so if these go on for too long that these needs are unmet then passive stress will begin to build so here we're talking about over or under stimulation poor health no clear limits or boundaries of Direction broken sense of connection or prolong lack of affection attention or any other need as well as we have situational stress now these are challenges that are beyond our control life changes or situations that are really nobody's fault like natural disasters divorce parental separation hearing about wars or disasters in the news disease death or illness of a family member or even a pet can be

17:02 stressful for a child and this is a type of situational uh stress here moving houses change of schools you know those are all major stressors for children um and their uh classified under what we call situational stress finally we have birth stress so these are problems that occur before during or after birth and this is fetal or maternal distress prolonged labor traumatic births early infancy trauma medication surgery birthing mechanical birthing AIDS these types of things okay so this can cause a very real physical and emotional and psychological stress on a the very early infant child okay so these are the four main causes of childhood stress all

17:49 right and um then we have the three main underlying reasons for defiance we have distress we have role modeling the example that they that they see um in in the world around them so for example if if one parent is often uh very resistant to the other parent ideas or their lead then the child will will see this behavior and that they'll tend to model it as well and again legitimate unmet needs which we discussed the need for autonomy uh the need for attention and uh some of the other needs that we that we discussed earlier and we'll actually get a lot more deep into these needs uh as we continue through this webinar so the important thing to remember uh when we're dealing with resistance or

18:34 Defiance uh is that children tend to be more resistance to how things are happening more than what is actually happening and this is slightly counterintuitive because they may be complaining about the what right they're saying like I don't want to do this or I don't want to do that you know so they're actually talking about the what but the the actual Crux of their resistance stems from how they're being engaged in whatever is happening okay and this is really key to understanding how we can shift the Defiance without using uh you know the um punishments or Rewards or bribes but but more connecting with them and Democratic parenting offers the a new way to engage your child through

19:21 meeting their needs through maintaining a connection and through modeling the example that you want them to mimic so we have 14 we have 14 main methods of democratic parenting which are explained in great detail in my book there's a chapter on each one but in this webinar we're going to talk specifically about four methods that are very good for dealing with Defiance especially when it's happening the first one is connective communication the next one is limit setting and then we're going to talk about family meetings and natural consequences so let's talk about connective communication first so how does this work so connective communication uses verbal and body language to connect to

20:08 your child's heart and to make them feel connected cared for and loved so the benefits of using connective communication is that it puts the child in a more responsive open and Cooperative State because it builds a deep sense of trust and empathy and respect and a deep understanding where they feel that they're being understood and really cared for and that will cause them in turn to be more open and more caring towards you so connective Communications meets these essential childhood needs okay we talked about the unmet needs before so these are the main ones that are met through this method the need for connection right because when we're using this type of communication the main focus is on using

20:56 our body and our verbal language to either reach through disconnects when there's a broken connection or to strengthen the connection we already have right or to engage a connection that might be missing okay so it helps to meet that need for connection which is one of the most important needs that children have it also meets their need for affection and here specifically we're talking about verbal affection right because uh because we can really give a lot of affection just in the words we use or the tone of the voice that we use when we're relating with someone also the need for attention because you'll see as we go into uh this type this the actual methods of using this uh this communication technique uh we we communicate to the child that we're

21:42 really present with them that we're really giv them our attention and that we're really there with them also it meets the need for encouragement in the way that we talk and the words we use we're encouraging our child right so that the so then again they become less resistant because uh it increases that need for for you know for their ability to have autonomy and to feel inspired about what's happening it also meets their need for information you know we talked about before how the need for information is often a big missing need for children who are becoming defined is that they simply haven't been uh communicated in in a way communicated to in a way where they fully grasp the reason why certain things are happen

22:28 happening right again it's not so much uh that they're resisting what is happening but how they're being engaged in what's happening so by giving them the information about uh the the needs behind what's happening or the reasons or your rationals or why you're doing what you're doing the importance of it whether it's chores or whether it's going getting out the the door in the morning on time or whether it's getting to bed in time or whether you know it's doing anything and your child's giving you a hard time is to use the communic connective Communication in a way to um give them the information they need uh to feel much better about what's happening to feel more engaged to feel that they're more a part of of what's Happening rather than just being dragged along kicking and screaming and it also

23:16 meets their need for consistency okay so children have a big need for consistency in uh in all areas of their life and um you know often times uh it's the inconsistencies that we show uh children children that will cause them to lose respect for um for for limits and boundaries and um and even uh what we say if we're not consistent in in how we talk and how we deliver information how we engage children uh they'll they'll start to uh they'll start to become uh inconsistent in their um in their level of cooperation as well so by using connective communication it really creates a strong um uh Foundation of uh of of relationship and connection and it means meets all these needs listed here

24:01 so there's two ways that we communicate the first one is we use verbal language now that's referring to the words that you use also we're referring to the tone of your voice when you're talking okay and then the other way we communicate is through body language this refers to posture and positioning and positioning means like you know how you position yourself in relation to the other person whether you're facing them whether you're angled you know whether whether you're you go down on your knees with a child in order to be at eye level with them you know whether you bend over you know what you know so it's basically how the you position the space between you and the child and posture obviously refers to whether you know your arms are crossed or your chin is up you know

24:48 there's lots of different indicators uh in posture of uh of that we can use in order to communicate different things and a lot of these are just are often communicated in a subconscious level which which everyone I think really picks up you know even though we might might not be conscious of these types of body language cues if we haven't studied them or made become aware of them consciously I think subconsciously we often pick up or we get we get a certain vibe that comes through these types of U body language and it also refers to touch okay uh touching a child on the shoulder a gentle touch you know or um or on their cheek or you know touching the side of their head at just the right time can do a a a world of good to meet

25:33 their need for connection and affection um and attention and just to let them know that we're really there and to help uh break through resistance or barriers that can that can come up and I contact that's another key one a very important way that uh that we can connect with our child in using body language so now we're going to talk about uh what I call Magic connective phrases and words and these are different ways of talking and using different words which are extremely effective to connect with a child I call them magical because of how effective they are we're really um they're they're they're using uh uh different triggers uh on the child's subconscious to really engage them and to make them feel more a part of the engagement to help meet

26:19 their needs for for contribution and connection simply by the choosing the the words and how we talk here so the first one is using Terms of Endearment so this refers to using words like sweetie or sweetheart you know sugar plum darling bumbleberry you know any kind of sweet term of endearment that you might already have a pet one for for your child but anything like that that that kind of helps to reach through any resistance or um pressure or stress of the moment moment when you're butting heads with your child or engaged in a power struggle um is to kind of go beyond that and to to try to connect

27:06 with their heart again so here you're by using this type of term you're you're kind of showing you're kind of almost giving them a peace offering and you're you know you're communicating to them that you're trying to connect uh deeper to their heart and that you love them and and that's that's the place that you want to have um the the communication from is that place of love of deep heart connection the other uh magic words or phrase is to is to use words that uh you know when we need to say no to try to avoid actually saying no to use an alternative to no now there's nothing wrong with saying no but what I found again and again who parents who use no all the time is that it really loses its

27:53 power you know if you have to keep saying no and your child still defies you even when you saying no then then the word no has become impotent for for you with your child they have no respect for that word so um what by using this by by using alternative alternatives to know you can save the word no for when it's really important so that rather than saying it again and again and again where to the point that it loses all meaning and uh strength we just want to use it when we when we have to and then our child won't question it because they know that when we say no it's no that there's no going around it and so ways that we can do that is uh use you know not right now you know perhaps another

28:40 time you know I'm afraid not we we're going to have to pass this time maybe later we'll talk about it right so if your child says can I have an ice cream you know I want this ice cream or you know I want this toy rather than saying no no no no or if they're reaching for something which you know is not good the toddlers trying to get something you know and it's getting them into trouble they shouldn't be going where they're going we can just gently guide them away say you know not right now sweetie uh maybe you know maybe there's something else over here that might be more interesting for you you know any type of words that we can use to try and guide them away in a different more gentle Direction rather than just saying no you know and uh another reason to do this is that there's a study done I think it says in uh in Democratic parenting I

29:26 might have the actual stats of this study I can't remember it right now but it compared the amount of times a child hears the word no versus the word yes in the day and I think it was like five or even 10 times more often they hear the word no throughout the day and because children are at the stage where their whole world view is just being formed uh you know and they they approach life from such a zestful curious place and I think a lot of their their intelligence and their their sweetness and their vitality comes from their their natural-born curiosity and their desire to explore their world but if we're you know if we always have to shut them down by saying no no no and closing you know closing their their um

30:11 their curiosity in all directions then it really puts a damper on their zest and on you know on their on the sense that life is good and life is safe and that it it's okay to explore and to expand our limits and to grow so my approach is to really help Foster that natural-born Curiosity and that desire to to learn and to explore and um you know the the the uh the drive to to challenge the limitations and and to to strive Beyond those to achieve new things um those are the types of things I want to Foster in my child so um rather than than saying no I tried to just you know use something a bit softer to guide them in a different direction another

30:58 word way you can speak to your child is by enrolling them into Community thinking so to do this we use words such as um you know we us are together and this inspires a sense of togetherness rather than using words like you me I we we talk about us and we so you know when uh when it's time to to uh to go to bed or to do such such a thing we can explain to our child that that's how we do things that we work together together so that we can get you know everything done and that we can um you know enjoy a nice uh nice evening together and have time to read a nice book you know and get up in the morning and we'll all be be nicely rested rather than saying you know you need to go to bed so that so that you get enough sleep and so in the

31:44 morning you're not tired right rather than than uh pointing the finger at them to talk about uh everything um from a sense of togetherness and the reason to do this is not to try and brainwash your child and to create like you know a a you know a communism mindset and to uh to manipulate them uh from you know like a borg kind of situation but more we want to inspire that uh that sense of contribution to make them really feel a part of the family and you'll see when we use this along with some of the other methods of democratic parenting like the the family meetings we give them a complete open platform to challenge and question any of the rules or limits or any of the routines that we have in place um so that so that we can develop

32:31 new ways of doing things together right that that meet everyone's needs and so it's a win-win for everyone so we just want to use language and talk in the type of way and choose the words that really Inspire that sense of togetherness rather than that se sense of separa liveness right so it's really um Us in This Together rather than you against me okay ra rather than struggling will against will and power struggles we we we say that together we are more powerful and we're going to find a way to work through this together so that we're all happy so that we're all fulfilled and so that all of us feel that our needs are met together okay the other way to talk is to use the technique of acknowledging encouraging

33:17 and then expounding upon what is said so an example of using this is to say something like that's a great idea and I think or yes I love that idea let's and then you go on so what this means is that when your child says something you know and um they present a really good idea um even though you think okay that's not such a great idea or that idea is not going to work at all or or in the least you know is to at least acknowledge their idea and then encourage them to to continue sharing their ideas and to continue thinking about new ways and new solutions to do things okay what we want to do is to acknowledge and to encourage and then

34:02 expound which means to to kind of to take what they've said and then take it to a place that uh using your wisdom and perspective as as the adult and the parent uh towards a place that's going to work better for everybody okay so an example of using this is that um you know is the child is is um you know so you have a family meeting with a child who um who's being very defiant about going to bed on time um and uh and then you ask the child you know okay what could we do to make the routine before bedtime easier so that uh you know you won't always put up a big fuss when it's time to put on your pajamas you know and they say well maybe if you let me play a half hour of video games um then I'll be uh I'll be happy

34:49 and I'll put on my pajamas without a fuss okay so you know that that that won't work for several reasons one that they're probably after half an hour they're going to beg and plead for an extra five minutes or for a little longer and then it's just going to be another big fuss and the other thing too is that we know from from just research that uh that this type of technological stimulation before bed uh isn't isn't really good for their mental development and for their academic performance either so we don't want to we don't want to succumb to this idea but we don't want to put a damper on that what we want to do is to encourage communication to con encourage the contribution right so what we want to do is to to acknowledge that and then to encourage that because to them that is a great

35:34 idea right that is a good idea to them so just because we have a different perspective you know a wiser perspective a more mature perspective a more situational perspective we want to we can't we can't use that against them so we can acknowledge that say that's a great idea sweetheart you know and then you say you know the only thing is I think that that may not work for for us because of you know uh we won't have enough time still and what we need to do is to reduce the amount of activities before bed so that we're in bed at an early time and we can have more time to read and then in the morning we'll be rested and we'll be able to approach the new day with um with more ease so you see how they're I acknowledged I

36:19 encouraged them by by saying that's a good idea by saying something positive about what they said and then I expounded upon I took it from there right um and then told them why that might not work and then I presented them with uh trying to open the door to deeper discussion okay and then another way the uh fifth way is to um let them know that you're present and that you're connected to them and this is extremely powerful especially when your child is struggling with strong feelings or emotions okay and oftentimes uh these strong feelings and emotions can come up when a child's being resistant or defiant or oppositional often times these behaviors are just a precursor to a big freakout or a temper tantrum right so uh what we want to do is to let them let them know

37:05 that we're there that we're connected that we giving them our attention that we're present with them that we're not texting or not on our Facebook on our computer that we're not busy with dinner that we're not trying to get a little bit of work done that we're not you know cleaning up that we're really there with them so it's by communicating things like I'm right here with you I see you sweetheart I hear you right and and these types of words are are extremely effective to trigger your child's subconscious uh desire to cooperate and the way that's done is because it makes them feel really connected it makes them feel acknowledged makes them feel respected so it increases their trust and their sense of connection with you so all these words and these examples you see on these Pages um you can use these you can try them out and you'll see how well they actually work for you

37:51 and these are these are all in the Democratic parenting book under the the chapter of connective communication so uh so you can get them there as well so um let's talk about how to use connective communication with Defiance so think of a child's Defiance and opposition kind of like fire and Earth okay the fire is the oppositional side the back talking or the more aggressive and explosive behaviors that often come with Defiance and the Earth is more the kind of unmovable like a mountain aspect of the Defiance the stubborn or the difficult the hard to work with the uncooperative or the strong will right kind of like a hard Earth and if we look

38:37 at the the elements here we can see that the water water will subdue fire also water turns hard resistant difficult Earth into nourishing soil so we want to be like water in our communication soft adaptable fluid loving nourishing soothing healing flowing not holding on to anything not getting attached to the behavior but flowing deeper to that to nourish to connect with the heart underneath so water will always overcome fire and Earth but its power the power of water is in its patience and its

39:23 persistence not in its stubbornness and nor in its Force because these are attributes to Earth and to fire so what happens though when you scold or Raise Your Voice or lose it on your defiant child what happens when you freak out on your child you spank them or yell at them or punish them you know what happens then well basically you're adding fire to fire okay so let's um let's take a look at how we can use connective Communication in dealing with Defiance what I'm going to do now is take a live example so U the first person who uh who pipes up with an example of defiance right now um I'm going to uh to bring them on just uh put up your hand or or

40:09 say something on here and what I'll do is I'll unmute your microphone and then um then you can tell give us an example of defiance that you're dealing with with your child and I'll show you how we can use this method of connected communication with that so if anyone has uh has an example just uh there's a little button there on your application that has a hand you can raise your hand or uh you can just put something in the chat box and then I'll call you out and see if you're available to uh to to join us uh using your microphone hello hello how are you can you hear me hi there hi how are you good how are you doing where are you calling in from I'm calling from Perth

40:55 Australia from Perth Australia wow that's great so tell us uh tell us about the situation that that you had in mind around Defiance um I think this would be relevant um I've got numerous ones at the moment I'm dealing with a 11-year-old boy um almost 12 and um it's uh the Defiance I suppose one of the situations would be with his younger brother he six-year-old I mean they're very loving kids um but he does tend to pick on him a fair bit as brothers do and I um when I ask him to stop he tends to just push it that little bit further you know and it tends to wind his six-year-old brother up so he doesn't tend to stop when I ask him to

41:40 stop okay okay great so um so there's a couple of things we can approach so first off um you know we looked at uh in the webinar we we talked about the three main reasons of legitimate unmet needs um role modeling and uh stressed do you think uh which of these three do you think are at play in this situation I don't know I don't know it's it's not it's not an easy one it sounds like um you know just uh from a little bit you shared there might be some uh the biggest unmet need I see there might be uh the need for information um just in uh kind of just understanding the importance of that a little bit more uh the need for um there might be a need for connection a little

42:27 bit more in terms of connected with his brother so he feels a bit more empathetic with him yeah yeah there there could be other things as well you know it's always it's it's hard to know with this little information but that's something I I definitely recommend you you spend a little bit of time to to uh to look at those three reasons again the one is uh legitimate unmet needs um role modeling and uh it could very well that maybe he's being uh wound up by someone in his school or a friend or someone in his I sorry yeah yeah I wonder if it might be stress um purely because I think my husband and I um we both I feel like we're sort of going to a situation at the moment where we both feel like um

43:13 we've maybe given them too much and then we've sort of put um we feel like he's coming into himself now and perhaps we're being too heavy on him so we're trying to stand back a little bit you know like to just let him breathe a little bit I think maybe we stress him a bit that way we're coming down on him too hard too quickly and not letting not letting him Express himself perhaps great wow that's a great uh that's great awareness right there yeah we've just had a really big situation last week I don't want to take too much of your time but we had a really big situation last week where you know I'm trying all this um you know sort of passive parenting because obviously I'm my husband was working full-time and I'm with the kids M and we were trying to do his homework and he was saying I was trying to get him to be more responsible

43:58 for himself because he goes to high school next year so I was sitting with him and just saying I'm not going to write it for you but I'm here to help you and his expectation was for me to sort of put the words into his mouth and it blew up into this big big crazy uh you know I lost the plot with him and I completely lost the plot and um yeah and it was just awful but we came together afterwards he actually went to a friend's house for a night because I just was so Furious and he couldn't deal with me so we had to separate and then we come back together as a family on sun uh on Sunday we sat down as a family and had a meeting and it tended to um we spoke about it and I did a lot of the things that you've said in here and my husband as well backed me up and it seems to touch wood be a lot

44:43 better now and this is why I took on this um I wanted to do this live webinar with you because I really connected with what you had to say oh that's great great well that's wonderful that's uh sounds like you made a lot of progress on Sunday with them I hope so but it feels like you know sometimes it's one step forward two steps back but we're working on it it's a work in progress good good well that's the thing is like you know that the wonderful thing about children is that that they'll always let us know where we're at in the moment um so you know they're they're very much in the moment and they're they don't like you know they don't fake moods as we grow up and be adults we kind of you know even though we're not feeling well we'll often tell people I'm fine I'm fine um you know children will will tend to hold their um their feelings on on their

45:28 sleeves a lot more especially um to let us know as parents and sometimes it's in very passive ways uh you know almost passive aggressive by just being defiant and resistance or acting out towards their other siblings but that's their way of trying to communicate that there's something wrong that either there's there's needs that are unmet or maybe they're feeling too too stressed or too much pressure right um for sure yeah and I think what we've my husband and I have realized is that it's how we react is how where it goes you know whereas before it was to us it was his behavior and now we're realizing that we actually need to change the way we do it um because it wasn't working and we were putting the onus on him when I think it actually comes back to us exactly yeah that's that's a wonderful awareness Wow

46:15 way to go Emma that's really awesome that's really awesome it's just hard work though isn't it it's really hard work right that's why I often call this type of parenting is the ultimate self uh self-help program program or self-development program definitely definitely because no one you know no one will hold you more accountable than your children right I guess yes okay well well thanks so much uh for sharing that Emma thank you thank you BL okay talk to you later thank you bye bye bye bye okay so that was a great example by Emma uh about dealing with this Defiance and I'm just going to say a few things about that uh specific situation and how we can use connective communication to

47:02 to help um to help her her son um deal with his other son so you know we're going to talk about uh using the other methods of uh family meetings and I think that would be particularly effective in this case to uh to help the them the two boys feel more connected together and them for them to help to really Express their feelings but uh you can see that Emma already did a lot of the the mo the big work in terms of figuring out um the underlying reasons for um for his son's uh challenging Behavior and the big one which she realized is that she was probably putting a little bit too much pressure on him um and then by uh by by seeing that and by empathizing and also by realizing that they are the the primary

47:48 role models and that they need to emulate um the type of communication that they want to see from their son that that that's what they have to do right they have to be the role model for for that loving connective communication and the more that uh they communicate with him in that way the uh the more that he will model that towards his brother uh as well right because children will model the way we communicate to them uh being their primary Role Models so um you know what just using that example to that uh that Emma gave around um you know trying to help encourage him doing his home homework and meeting that resistance and stuff like that uh that's a that's a a great example of um of how we can we can

48:35 really uh approach our relationships with our children differently and focus more around the connection and that's really that's why it's called connective communication because the primary goal is the the connection and to enhance that sense of connection and again it's much less about the what right like um you know the teaching our children how to uh the children learning all the the stuff they they learned from their homework in their school that's very secondary in importance to the uh the sense of connection the sense of encouragement um you know that sense of support that they get from us as parents when we help them with their homework okay so um so when we encounter these types of issues when we feel that though our child's trying to manipulate us into

49:21 kind of enabling them uh to kind of get around doing the work uh what we what we have to do is to start to get more creative in um into deepening the conversation deepening the interaction so rather than just throwing up our defenses and getting um you know and uh and get losing our patience with our child we want to keep that focus on being like water okay remember our child might be you know by trying to use that Earth and the fire we just want to be water again and the water is you know is we got think like the ocean incredibly deep so you know and Incredibly powerful unmovable to to to that point of How deep the ocean is and so we just want to we want to stay fluid when our child throws us something throws us um you

50:08 know to try and get us to trigger or react to something and just to try and manipulate us to you know maybe enable them to to do the homework for them rather than for them to get through the challenge we want to just try to open the Comm the the conversation more again we can use use our words the the words we choose uh the tone of our voice again trying to use a very empathic loving tone of voice rather than showing any harshness or any impatience um you know and if we do show impatience we can it's important for us to be honest with ourselves and our children that we're we're just being impatient with uh you know it's not our child's fault that they're experiencing this block or having this issue um and us as parents

50:54 you know the best thing we can do is to help to find a a creative solution through that but when we when we get impatient the tendency is to blame them for the problem um but that that goes nowhere very fast because it's just it's just pouring fuel onto the fire already so instead we want to be like water we want to be fluid and to try and find uh an altern alternative way to open the conversation deeper to find out where the problem really lies for a child where the resistances where the challenges um you know or or how maybe we could help our child engage their interest or encourage them in a slightly different way around the homework or the problem that they're facing so those are ways that we can use the connected communication with that specific type of um of

51:39 situation um you know another thing too is that we can kind of uh also you know when the time is right especially during the family meeting which we'll get into just shortly here we can communicate to uh to to the older child how how the younger child might feel when they're they're being uh picked on or bugged and that that type of thing so uh again just by opening the conversation and using using what we call neutral phrases rather than blame phrases and again this is this part is explained in the Democratic parenting book under the connected communication how to use neutral phrases which means that we're talking situationally and rather than pointing a f finger um we're we're just talking about the situation so in this case um if we're talking to um Emma's older son about um the effects of uh him

52:27 picking on his younger brother rather than saying you know when you do this to your brother he feels like that right uh we can say something like you know when when your younger brother is being you know teased like that um you know he gets you know he gets really riled up and and so and so so rather rather than pointing the finger even though they're the one doing it um you know they know that they're the one doing it and by pointing the finger more that just increases the sense of disconnection it increases the sense of uh them against us and uh reduces that connection so we want to increase that connection which will open the door to cooperation and uh engagement and the way to do that is to use more neutral phrases to talk more

53:14 situationally rather than uh than focus and rather than to make the issue personal right and we see this all the time in um you know in just uh interpersonal relationships you know uh with our husbands and our wives and our our partners you know oftentimes we get so so just caught up in a tiny little thing um and then we start to point the fingers and make that little thing personal when it's not personal at all and then when as soon as we make it personal our relationship and our conversation and our connection goes downhill quick right but if we can approach issues and problems more situationally more from a neutral perspective and we can uh work together as a team to overcome it and find a win-win solution okay great so let's um let's go on to

54:00 the next um the next method uh that we use for overcoming uh Defiance and opposition using democratic parenting and that's in setting limits okay so here I call them loving limits so how does this work you know sometimes we need to be flexible with our children and we need to let them learn the natural consequences of their choices but other times we need to be firm and we need to set a limit so a loving limit provides a firm boundary without being harsh or without hurting the child's feelings so what are limits and why are they important limits are the borders between appropriate and inappropriate behavior conduct and action so limits or

54:47 the lack of limits Define the culture and the identity of the family and thus they form the foundation of a child's ident entity okay and that's very important to to to look at and um as you as you'll see from this quote by Stanley Greenspan who's a clinical professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Science and pediatrics at the George Washington University um he said setting limits gives your child something to Define himself against if you are able to set limits without being overly intrusive or controlling you'll be providing him with a firm boundary against which he can test his own

55:33 ideas okay so this I couldn't have said it better myself this is why limits are so important and so vital to to be able to set in in um without being overly intrusive or controlling okay so that's what loving limits are all about the thing is is that kids are natural born limit testers Okay so so we have to accept that we have to accept that testing limits is what we all must do in order to grow okay because you know we can only grow beyond what we know and what we know are the limits right those are the boundaries but if we want to grow and Achieve something new we must go grow past that okay past that limit

56:18 so it's the same thing whether we're an athlete we're trying to to go beyond our physical limits or or whether we're we're um we're in in academic school or whether we're trying to achieve U some great great thing we push ourselves beyond our limits so we need to test limits and because children are entirely dependent on us and they're basically under our rules right so they're their atomy is is strictly strictly tied to to us they'll naturally test limits okay and um they'll do so they'll do so more than more than anyone else because they're in this stage of of of intense growth you know and in fact you testing limits is a positive sign that a child's willpower and their creative thinking

57:03 capacities are properly developing all right so a child who never tests limits we have to maybe look at per where if their willpower is being stunted a little bit or being suppressed or you know whether whether they're being um uh just um you know helicopter parented or there's too much per permissive parenting that's happening all right so what's the difference then between Defiance and testing limits Defiance back talk and opposition can only take root in an environment where limits are not respected all right this is a big one to understand so if you don't stick to your guns your child will walk all over you or if you're too strict in your rules

57:51 your child will fight you okay so here we have the two ends of the of the polarity okay we have permissive parenting where we don't stick to our limits we don't we don't we don't create an environment where we respect the limits nor and our children therefore won't respect them and they'll walk all over the limits and they'll walk all over anything we say okay but if we're too authoritarian if we're too strict with our rules then that will really inspire a child's um you know rebellious nature and they'll start to fight against us and really challenge us so setting loving limits meets these essential childhood needs it meets the need for connection okay it does that because we we we show the child that

58:36 we're so connected to what what they need in order to to grow the proper boundaries for nurturing environment um that that they feel that that that that strong connection is always there and also the way that we set loving limits is that we want to create that strong boundary but we never want to lose that sense of connection with the child's heart we never want to use harshness in our tone or delivery unless absolutely necessary for someone's safety um but but the the point is is that that's why they're called loving limits is that we keep that connection we keep that that that that engagement on the emotional level where they feel connected it also meets their need for security because uh an environment where there are no set clear limits a a child will can very

59:22 easily get anxious because they don't know where the boundaries are the whether the boundaries of of behavior or conduct or action um it also meet their need for affection okay so it it does that again because uh because we we can tell them again where the appropriate behavior is and where it's not and then uh also the way that we deliver these loving limits we use the connective communication and we embed the types of words you know that like terms of endearment and these types of things so that we're communicating loving affection while setting a firm unmovable limit and that's really the balance of getting this right it also meets their need for autonomy because in order for them to be properly autonomous um they

1:00:09 need to know what is appropriate and what is not if we don't give them the proper limits in life they won't be effectively autonomous because uh their autonomy uh wasn't wasn't grounded in in reality it was uh you know so an example of this is a how households that are overly permissive where children will walk all over them uh that you know the from one perspective that someone might think that that child has a lot of autonomy because they rule the house uh but the truth is that that's that autonomy won't won't carry them very far in in life when when they meet you know the quote unquote Real World um and um and and the world isn't as permissive as as their parents are so it helps them um create more effective sense of autonomy and then it also meets their need for

1:00:55 information to know exactly again where the boundaries are what is okay and what is not and it meets their need for consistency and that's a really big one in setting loving limits is that we need to be consistent with them in order for them to be effective the moment that we're inconsistent is the moment that our limit loses all efficiency and potency so how do we set loving limits in dealing with Defiance the key like I said is to be consistent okay as soon as you let a child def I the limit that you set the limit becomes useless it becomes powerless okay it's no long no longer meaningful the very moment you let the child defy it okay without without reinforcing that limit so the child will

1:01:43 not respect the limit that you don't and if you let the child defy the limit you're telling them that you don't respect it and therefore neither will they so you have to treat your limits with impeccable respect and only be flexible with them only change them only be willing to change those limits and alter them after proper family meetings and open communication okay so I'm not saying you know no matter what stick to your guns and never uh be flexible with your limits uh not at all right that's not reality that's not life we need to we need to keep uh keep life an open discussion so that it can continue to evolve okay and we want to we want to engender a a strong sense of openness

1:02:30 and respect in the entire family so we want to create an environment where children can openly challenge limits and challenge rules and challenge routines in their family um and then we can we can discuss them through communication and through that communication through that discussion we can really engender uh an ability to uh to have really good judgment to have a situational awareness when it comes to to problem solving um you know it really helps to build team building um skills you know and uh relationship skills and these are all the the skills that come from from this type of uh interaction these meetings and Communications are some of the most valuable skills in the modern world uh you know much more valuable than uh than anything that uh

1:03:17 you'll learn in school these this ability to to communicate to challenge and to work together and to overcome difficulties and to find new and better ways to do things where everyone feels that their needs are met and everyone's winning uh you know that's uh that that's a a very valuable skill in in any environment so um so that these are the main things we want to focus on when we're when we're using limit setting with uh with a child who's who's defiant we need to be consistent right that's the most important thing because when we're not uh we're telling the child that this limit uh is is useless okay so that's that's why when uh often times uh you know I I I guide parents away from saying no too often because uh you know

1:04:03 it that that can be so easily challenged the word no and the more that it's challenged the more that it's defied the less powerful the word no becomes over time and then um you know many parents will say that their child doesn't listen to them no matter what and that's a result of not being able to set very clear limits so that the child learns to respect those limits and they will respect them if you do okay and the way to do that is to really keep them um uh at the level of impeccable respect be willing to discuss them be willing to change them be willing to be flexible with them but only after uh open communication and and a lot of thought okay so let's take another example of using loving limits um with Defiance or opposition if anyone out there has uh

1:04:49 any questions around uh a situation just click on the uh the little the the hand button there I'm here me hi Amanda how you doing I'm fine how are you good thank you where are you uh listening in from tonight um northern Virginia Northern Virginia right on cool cool so I saw you wrote a few questions in here and um we can talk about one of these or if you have any other uh questions specifically around your child's Defiance or any issue around resist or opposition we can take a look at how to use loving limits with that okay can you think of any situation that

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