Forgiveness Over Feelings | Pastor Ethan Boggs | Vibrant Church

0:00 The finale of our family drama series, first week we talked about Abraham and going first, being a person of faith even when you haven't had a prototype or someone you can observe. Week number two, we talked about Isaac and we talked about family curses, struggles, and patterns. And last week we spoke about Jacob, specifically Jacob and Leah, and their marriage and how complicated that was. And today, I want to talk to you about Joseph, the fourth generation. And I want to talk about family forgiveness. Before I get into that, I want you to know I came across some family facts I want to share with you. Here's the first one. Family is like Wi -Fi. When the connection is strong, everything works. When it's weak, everyone starts to yell. The family group chat

0:48 is simply 47 unread messages and not one piece of useful information. Families don't hold grudges. They just remember all the details forever. A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than an adult can repair in an hour. Children rarely misquote you. They usually repeat word for word what you should not have said. I'll give you this last one. Grandparents and grandchildren. get along so well because they share a common enemy. Say amen, grandparents. I'm convinced that when we get our kids back from their grandparents, we have to

1:34 retrain them. We don't know who they are. They've turned feral when they were with their parents. Feral animals. There's a pack of wolves coming home. A Barna study recently came out that said that 27 % of people could identify someone. they did not want to forgive and 23 % could identify someone they can't forgive. 38 % of American adults say that they are currently estranged from at least one close family member. Of that 38%, 24 % say that is a sibling, 16 % say that is a parent. 10 % say a child, 9 % a grandparent, and 6 % say

2:24 a grandchild. Now, I say these statistics today because what we find is that nearly four out of every 10 people are carrying some sort of pain and fractured family relationship. So it'd be foolish for me maybe to end this series without discussing with you So it would be foolish for me maybe. what the Bible says about forgiveness, specifically today within our families. I think you know that no one loves you like family, but no one can hurt you like family. And so my prayer today is that by the time we wrap up, that God will stir your heart, speak to you in a unique and fresh way to encourage you. and help you and

3:11 I understand the importance of forgiving the people who are closest to us. If you're ready, say, I'm ready. Turn your Bibles to Genesis chapter 45. I'll meet you there in just a minute. Now, there are a few stories in a few stories in scripture that that can relate to the story of Joseph. In fact, some even relate him to the life of Jesus. Joseph's deepest wounds in life did not come from strangers, they came from those who loved him the most, his family. So while you're going there, let me give you a little context because the story of Joseph is really long and I'm just going to give you a few little bullet points. What we know in Genesis chapter 37 is that Joseph is one of many brothers, he's favored by his father and in chapter 37 he receives a dream from

3:57 God, in fact two dreams, and these dreams inform him that he's going to be powerful, he's going to be significant. In fact the dreams he sees that his brothers and his father and mother are going to bow to him and Joseph's brothers plot that his against him. They didn't like what they saw. They didn't like he's, you better be careful talking like that. And so we find is that Joseph is stripped of a coat that his father gives him that represents favor and he's thrown into a pit while he's in the pit. His brothers threw him in there. While he's in the pit, there. the Bible lets us know that he's been sold into slavery from out of that pit. While he is sold into slavery and working for a woman named Potiphar, he is falsely accused of some improper

4:45 behavior with her. And what we find next is that because of that false allegation, Joseph then goes to prison and is forgotten. For 20 years, this is Joseph's story. And you could make the case that he wouldn't be there if it wasn't for the brothers becoming jealous, becoming angry with him, plotting against him, stripping of everything he had, throwing him in a pit. And he could easily look back and be like, man, 20 years of pain, 20 years of trouble, 20 years of being in this. position simply because my brothers

5:30 did this to me. I want you to think about how long, 20 years, some say 22 years, how long that really is. And that's the situation Joseph finds himself in. Now, before I get to our text, here's what's interesting. While he is in prison, the Bible lets us know, and I could go through this. This is such an amazing lets us know and I can. story, but God clearly has his hand on Joseph's life. His fortune changes. He's elevated as the number two leader in the land. And in chapter 42, it lets us know that his brothers showed up. Now his brothers assume at this point he's dead, but the brothers show up asking for help from the second like

6:16 the vice president you could say but they didn't recognize him because the second, like the vice president, you could say, but they didn't recognize. it's been 20 years and when they showed up he is now face to face look at this face to face with who hurt him the most family and i'm going to ask you this question what do you do when you come face to face with the source of your pain what do you do so for some you're going to avoid Thanksgiving. For some, you're going to ignore people. You're not going to respond to text. You're going to eye roll, maybe avoid eye contact. I mean, we've all done it. When you've seen somebody at Walmart, you're like, please, God, not today. Next thing

7:02 you know, you're looking at stuff you wouldn't even be interested in. Like, oh, I love black olives. I love them. Just trying to avoid those people. And it's funny, and we all have struggled from time to time, but I think sometimes if we're And it's funny, and we all have struggled. honest, we'll use body language to communicate our irritation with people. We will let them know we're not comfortable with you. And let me just say this, this is not just a family problem. I see this in our church sometimes, that among the sheep, some of us can't sit in the same service together. I'm not afraid to say it if you ain't afraid to hear it. Some of

7:47 us can't be seen seeing each other in the parking lot. Some of us have avoided one another and can I just say as children of God in the family of God as pastor of this church we can do better and we should do better. Some of you are too old to be acting like that. I just talked to you how I talked to you if you was in my car. You're too old to act like this. I got to get in the pulpit and act like I got my words straight. But if you was in my car, I'd tell you, quit acting stupid. Here we go. Come on, you guys would talk like that in your car. I got to be polished up here. But, you know, I'd tell you in my car. Let me show you this. So here's where we are. We're now in Genesis 45. They have come face to face. And now

8:34 at this time, man, Joseph could do, They have come face to face. And now. I mean, he could destroy their lives. He's the second most powerful man in the land. And he could say, kill them all. I mean, he has the power to literally terminate their existence. Look what he does. Verse one, Joseph could stand it no longer. There were many people in the room. and he said to his attendants, out, all of you. And he said to his attendants, So he was alone with his brothers when he told them who he was. Then he broke down and wept. I am Joseph, he said to his brothers. Is my father still alive? But his brothers were speechless. They were stunned to realize that Joseph was standing there in front of them. Please come closer, he said to them. So they

9:24 came closer. and he said again I am Joseph your brother whom you sold into slavery in Egypt And he said again, I am Joseph, your brother, whom you should be. verse 5 but don't be upset don't be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place it was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives so 20 to 22 years and in verse 5 his attitude shifts don't be afraid don't be afraid Joseph in some way lets go of what is broken Joseph in some way lets go of what his brothers did to him. He didn't pay him back. He didn't rub it in their face. He didn't cut them off. He forgives them. He lets it go. And literally the brothers can't believe what's happening. In fact, if you go through the pages of

10:10 that section, they are shocked at how Joseph is going to treat them after 20 plus years of them mistreating him or them feeling the repercussions of them mistreating him. and what we see is in this moment when he has the most powerful he's most power he's ever had he forgives i mean that's tough everybody i mean all of us would rather we go passive aggressive on social media before we do that i mean we would rather avoid them than do that if some of us had the power of joseph and our enemies came to us, I don't know if we would have the mature ability to forgive them and our enemies came to us i don't like we see in Joseph. It reminds me of the

10:59 words in 1 Peter chapter 3 verse 9. Again, one of those verses I don't hear people talk about much. It is not one of those they put on their social media or anything. No one's got, I've never seen this one tattooed on anybody's neck. Don't do wrong to anyone to pay them back for doing wrong to you or insult anyone to pay them back for insulting you, but ask God to bless them. You are kidding, right? To bless them. I mean, to forgive them is one thing to ask God to bless their marriage, to help their home, to help her husband find a job with better money and insurance, to pray that she insurance to to pray that she will get a good report from the doctor bless them the bible let me tell you something about

11:49 the bible if you're only reading verses that you like you ain't reading it right do this because you yourselves were chosen to receive a blessing in other words he's saying because of who you are you should act based on your identity in christ and treat them accordingly to your identity. Now this isn't just Peter talking. Let me just stump all of us and let me take you to what Jesus said. Luke chapter 6, verse 27. But to you who are listening, it means not everybody's gonna listen to this. I say love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who mistreat you. Look down to verse

12:38 31. Do to others as you would have them do to you. How many of you are uncomfortable right now? And I ain't said much, I'm just reading what Jesus said. These are red ones. They're red ones. y 'all. They're red. Look at verse 36. Be merciful just as your Father. is merciful now joseph was before jesus's time something inside of joseph understood the power of not holding over their head an offense that they had done now some of you right here i can hear you already let me

13:24 give you what i already feel you saying to me number one that's impossible Let me say this, that's unreasonable. Everybody say that's unreasonable. Our natural response is, why should I have to release someone who caused the damage? In fact, I read one study not long ago that said they felt, this is among believers by the way, I don't understand if the world did this, but we are not of this world. And the church said, that means our worldview and perspective. will not run in sequence with culture it will be subculture it will be counterculture so they believe it is immoral to forgive somebody who hurt you immoral says who your feelings

14:15 because that's not what the scriptures teach that's not what Jesus teaches it's immoral if a generation has built more It's immoral? If a generation has built morality based on the way they feel, then yes. But how many of you know that the Word of God is objective truth outside of your feelings, and it defines truth, not the culture's emotions? So, that's somebody in here saying, poor pastor, that's just, that's unreasonable. Here's another one, that's unwise. what if they hurt you again and i think people get confused right here with the idea that that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing uh some of you gonna have to forgive

15:04 somebody you couldn't reconcile with maybe they've moved maybe they've died but forgiveness is not always about getting it right with somebody as it is you settling the settling something in your own heart it's releasing the poison that you choose to hold. It's saying this is not coming with me any longer. Some situations cannot be reconciled and hear me some situations should not be reconciled. Meaning that you can forgive somebody but you don't have to trust that person ever again. Are you with me? Somebody could hear me today and say well I'm going to reach out to that person that did unbelievable damage to my childhood and try to reconcile it and it's like I don't know if that's the right decision Maybe you need to get some people around you to help advise you through that but be careful just because just

15:51 because you want to forgive them doesn't mean you want to go on picnics together go to lunch together be best friends go tiptoe through the tools or something like no no no no no I love you I appreciate you you're cool we're cool but you stay over there I stay over here does that make that makes sense everybody so it can sound unwise if we continue to mess up in our head the idea sense everybody so it can sound unwise if we continue that reconciliation and forgiveness are the same thing now i'm not saying you shouldn't reconcile there are some that just need to have a family conversation and say you know what this has gotten out of hand it's been two christmases now you know what this has gotten out of hand i've been wrong and some of you do need to reconcile you're big boys and big girls and god's spirit can help you do what you know is right. do what you

16:38 know But people will say, Pastor, that's unwise. Here's the last one. That's impossible. It's impossible. Now, these are just some of the notes I wrote down. These are my personal observations. You don't have to put them in your notes if you don't want to. Maybe you don't agree with them, that's fine. But this is what I wrote down thinking just from my personal observations of watching people and dealing even with my own self. For some, not all, sometimes we enjoy being the victim of and dealing even with my own self. our stories. I think we like the empathy we receive. And what happens is we begin to like being the victim more than we like the idea of being healed. Because when we are offended or

17:27 hurt by someone in our family or friends or in the church or whatever, we start gathering people around us, get a little army of offended us. people, secondhand offense, and now you can't change your mind because you've already got this whole army charged against this person. Are you with me, everybody? The Bible says that a root of bitterness springs forth and then defiles many. So if it springs up in you, you better believe. I've said this to my wife a hundred times. We've dealt with people in the church who've been offended either at the church. or with each other. I've told my wife, people don't, people do not scripturally, what we see is people don't keep offense to themselves. They will start recruiting people to be a part. And then what happens, they got a bunch of people

18:13 giving them empathy and they start liking that more than they want to be healed. It's just an observation. Let me give you another one. This is why I think some people, I think forgiving, when you forgive them, you lose your leverage. We like to continually remind offenders what they did and keep them emotionally indebted to us. And let me just say this, you've never forgiven them if you keep bringing their past up to them. This section likes me, this section don't. Let's just... I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Let me give you another one. It postpones responsibility. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

18:59 As long as the past is responsible for my present, I do not have to take responsibility for my future. Nobody sins. Everybody's sick. Have you noticed that? Everybody is defenseless to sickness. That's why they act a certain way. That's a lie. The Bible teaches that there are works of the flesh and works of the spirit. And so if we want to act certain ways, we can't always blame it on medication and behavior and background. There is some truth to that, but let's not get it twisted at the end of the day. You have a flesh and you have a spirit.

19:47 I'm feeling good right now this feels so good to teach so it can postpone I'm feeling good right now. responsibility that's what people say that that's impossible I think you want it to be impossible why would God hear me why would God ask us to do it if it was impossible to do so let me give you some final thoughts the last three things i want to give you that we learned from joseph number one forgiveness doesn't deny what happened 40 according to barna 40 of people 40 believe forgiveness requires forgetting the offense

20:33 that's not true because look what happens verse four he says i am joseph your brother whom you sold into slavery i would just always say that was fun into slavery. I would just always thought that was funny. Like he's like, I'm not going to let that slide. Just a reminder, y 'all put your brother into slavery. And now I'm going to let it go. But just so you know, just so you're fully conscious of what you did. Forgiveness doesn't deny what happened. I believe you can't really forget the past, but you can stop feeding it. You know, you got to think bitterness and resentment grows the same way grows by nursing and

21:20 rehearsing pain. How you get out of bitterness and resentment is the same way you got into it is rehearsing and nursing new life in your soul. because how you got resentment toward family and friends is that Because how you got. you just allowed resentment to settle in there and you nursed it you cursed it and rehearsed it so long it went to seed so deep and the way you're going to get free is beginning to reroute those thoughts in your mind that says you know what God I pray for them today they're a person too they make fail they may have failed because I'm broken too I got issues too and are you with me everybody? So it's not pretending it didn't happen. In fact, I've talked to people who have

22:08 written letters to express the way they feel. It keeps them on track, keeps their emotions in check, and then they would express to the individual that hurt them, this is how I feel, but I'm choosing today to step forward from this place. Forgiveness is not just rehearsing the past, it's when you stop feeding on it. Forgiveness is not just rehearsing the past, it's when you stop. Number two, forgiveness sees a bigger story. Notice what he said a moment ago. He says, you sent me here. Or excuse me, you sold me, but God sent me. That's good, ain't it? He wasn't a Baptist preacher, but the brother could put two S's together better than anybody else. you

22:55 sold me but God sent me look what a Genesis 50 verse 20 he's talking to them again you intended But you sold me, but God sent me. Look what Genesis says. harm from to me but God intended it all for the good look at his attitude about what he went through now I want you not to misunderstand me we got to be careful here that people don't start assuming that God causes abuse and betrayal and addiction and abandonment I'm not saying that what I am saying is that God can use what's happened to you for the good and though it may have hurt and though it may have been painful, God can use it. may have hurt and though it may have been The truth is they hurt you. They took something from you, took years from your childhood, cost you emotional pain. But those who have offended you do not have the right or will only have the right to finish your

23:44 story if you let them. So I guess here's the question, who gets to hold the pen? It's going to be those from your teenage years or your stepfather or your family. You're going to let them hold the pen or you're going to let God write a good story? And number three, forgiveness breaks the family cycle. Now here's what we see. This family has patterns of favoritism, deception, sibling rivalry, division. But we get to Joseph and Joseph refused to perpetuate the complications that he inherited. And we see it here with a spirit of forgiveness. It's him deciding that And we see it here with a spirit of forgiveness. it stops with me. Everything that grandpa and my dad and my uncle, it stops with me. And some of you have come from a family that is so crazy sometimes. Come

24:31 on, we all got some crazy stuff going on at home. But the truth of the matter is deep in your soul, you're going to have to come to the understanding it stops with me. This can't continue. I'm not going to give this to my kids. The worst gift you could ever give your kids is a grudge. You ever notice that with some kids? Some kids will be, hey, what's this? I remember, I saw a video where a kid made a racial slur. A kid! Where do you think that kid learned that? this to my kids. The worst gift you could ever give. Because he has a racist family. Right? He learned to hate. You go in our nursery, white babies, black babies, play. loving each other because they don't know any different. It's when they get older and we screw them up.

25:23 All right, I'm getting in the flesh. Let me keep moving. We have to break this family cycle. Now listen to me. You may not be able to control the pain you experience, but you can control the person you become through it. come through it. You can control that. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. For some, You can control that. it's so deep and hurtful and so painful what you've gone through. I would never discredit the seriousness of the wound that you have endured. But I would say that you are not defenseless to choices. And Joseph, at some point, you're going to have to look at somebody face to face, maybe, or yourself face to face and come to the understanding that you may have sold me but god is going to send me god is using me through this

26:09 pain god is going you may have sold me, but God, to help me god is going to challenge me through this god's going to help me grow through this is this making sense everybody in 1974 i came across a story about this boy not 19 i'm not even that old but the in research i wanted to uh find a story In research, I wanted to find a story that would help illustrate the idea of someone coming face to face with an offender. And there's many to pick from, but I came across a story I've never heard. And in the year 1974, a 10 -year -old boy named Chris Carrier, here's a picture of him. In 1974, he was abducted

26:54 near his home in Florida. His attacker burned him with cigarettes, stabbed him repeatedly with an ice pick, and shot him in the head. Abandoned him in the Everglades for the alligators to eat. After several days, he was discovered and miraculously survived the attack. It left him blind in one eye in an obviously untold amount of trauma and pain in his life. For more than 20 years, nobody confessed to the crime. No one was convicted. Nobody was ever caught. Then one day, Chris receives a phone call that says that an

27:40 elderly man in a nursing home had confessed to this crime. So Chris goes to the nursing home, and upon seeing him there, the elderly man eventually And eventually confesses and Chris recognizes him as the man that tormented him and left him for dead. Chris had an option here. And in my reading of Chris, this is what he told him. You meant for evil, what you meant for evil, God has turned it into a wonderful blessing. Christopher forgave him, began going to see him weekly. brought his bible with him read the scriptures to him and one day

28:26 asked him do you know Jesus as your personal savior and the man who abused him and burned him and shot him surrendered his life to Christ right there in his room later, after McAllister died a few days later, I can't wait to see him again someday in heaven. To be honest, I think some people are so offended and so angry they want to see people burn in hell. Come on, are you real people here? Do I got to talk to 11? Because that's the truth. People are that angry

29:16 at people. This man led him to Christ and said, I can't wait. I will see you in heaven. Look at Jesus, or sorry, Colossians says, speaking of Jesus, look at Colossians chapter 3. Don't be angry with each other, but forgive each other. If you feel someone has wronged you, forgive them. Forgive others because the Lord forgave you. Jesus said that whenever you stand praying, Forgive others because the Lord forgave. forgive. He literally says if you have anything against anyone in Mark chapter 11, if you have anything against anyone, when you stand to pray, forgive them. Apparently, unforgiveness hinders your

30:03 spiritual walk with God. I want you to think about this. When you stand praying, he says clear your heart of offense in your spirit toward other people. Because it affects the way you connect to me. You're never more like God than when you forgive. People say, I want to be like Jesus, but don't forgive. Now, I want to ask you a really tough question. And this is where some of you are going to be like, my God, you Yankee, you're so mean to us sometimes. Somebody told me that this week, said,

30:52 when you talk, Pastor Ethan, can you put a little butter on the biscuit? Because you're talking to Southerners. So I want to try to butter this up. Why do you feel you get to be the exception? Put it on the screen for me, guys. Why do you feel you get to be the exception? You've heard this sermon or something like this for years. You know the truth. You know His Word. You know the reality of living in bitterness and resentment. toward friends and family, you know what that does to you, but why do you feel you get to be the exception to this rule? Why do I feel I get

31:39 to be the exception to this? It's because we are masters at self -deception. Here's what I know about you. Here's what I know about me. I've been a part of every bad decision I've ever made. every one of them. I was there. I saw it happen. Wow. Look at me go Every one of them. I was there. I saw it happen. And I'm wanted to stand in the way for a minute and say listen you and I can sell ourselves a bill of goods like nobody else Ourself like we are master salesmen and saleswomen to make poor decisions over and over yesterday. I had not one but two honey buns and while I was sitting there eating I deserved this and then when I was

32:25 done And while I was sitting there, you know, I deserve this I'm like what's wrong with me and then like the Bible says a dog do his own vomit went back and had a second one and the guilt and the shame of like what's wrong with me then after church today I'm gonna get another one and I'm gonna say what's wrong with me I say that to say we're masters of self -deception and talking ourselves back into eating the honeypot. talking ourselves back into eating the honey pie Talking ourselves back into being bitter and resentful because maybe you've turned your whole family against your sister and now you can't back up on the narrative you have doubled down on for five years now. I just want to pray with you today that in God's spirit that you will hear this word and just hear it and let it disturb you.

33:15 and just to be honest I really hope you're uncomfortable today I don't like to And just to be honest, say that and I'm not trying to be mean but I've watched it enough I've felt it enough in my own life that this is a dangerous route to continue to live a bitterness and resentment toward the people you love the most