Full transcript of “HOMECOMING W/ DANE COOK | Matt Rife”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 I don't know if anybody uh told you guys, but we we broke the record for most tickets sold ever in this arena by anybody. That is insane, dude. And what a blast it's been. And uh also this is this is so stupid. So they do like a little backstage or like more tickets to any music or that's awesome. I get like I get like a jersey retire or anything or like hanging around and they gave me a gift
0:48 backstage blue and they played right next to [Applause] Oh my god. It looks like I died. That's so bad. the horses.
1:44 [Applause] You guys are actually kind of most important to me because uh when I was 14 years old, my uh my grandma was actually here, my she loved listen to the radio and like called in for like contest, right, for like concert tickets and stuff. And she called in and she won tickets to see Dave Cook and I was a huge fan at the time. [ __ ] like
2:29 idols in I was like that's the coolest [ __ ] thing. They're just funny. What a cool job to have. So knowing that my grandma gave my mom the tickets and my mom brought me and we sat right up there and I watched Dave as I said for him. It [ __ ] changed my life forever. Watching that show and being like, man, I think that's I think that's something I want to do. Start a new comedy the next year and uh 15 years later, we got to come back here and break the record at the same time.
3:19 That's saying also I don't is is uh is around here. He said he said towards the end of the show there was something he had for me on if it was another dildo. I swear to God. Also, how funny would it have been if if the dild if we all looked up and the dildo was hanging from the rafters. [ __ ] Throw it back. Dane had something he had uh he said he wanted to bring on stage towards the end of the show. So, one more time for D. Everybody, [Applause] you don't have a microphone. Hold on. [Applause]
4:05 There we go. Oh, dude. It came out of nowhere. Also, if you're going to buy a little stage, make it [ __ ] huge. Um, I know that stage wanted to bring something at the very end of the show. Happy more [ __ ] time for you now.
5:01 [Applause] with the lights on. That's the first time seeing everybody that's in here. It's a lot of fat people in here. By the way, that [ __ ] wild. He's just hanging up there. This is one of my favorite sexual positions. She knows everything. I just lay there. Oh, I brought Okay. So, I I have the letter that Matt sent me after I did the show.
5:46 The email. I have the email. Directly detain.com. I'm going to show that to your camera. Where the [ __ ] did you find this? So, this is the actual letter. I keep I keep [ __ ] everything, man. I have some text that you do not want me to share. A what year? 2011 correct to DSK [Applause] there from Matt Rice. Subject line. My name is Matt Rice. I'm a 15year-old comedian. Dot dot dot. Can you please help me? Like I've been kidnapped.
6:32 They're making me perform against my will. This is Hi, Dane. My name is Matt. I am a 15-year-old comedian in Columbus, Ohio. I've started at an early age because I want to become a famous comedian just like you. I've performed numerous times at clubs in Columbus such as the Funny Bone, which is where Yeah. Yeah. I really want to be the best comedian of my generation. My dream is to make is to make it to Comedy Central. [Applause] Comedy Central. We could buy Comedy Central with what you made tonight.
7:18 Dreams do come true. That's insane. Uh and eventually to movies just as you did. I based my comedic style off of yours and we coincidentally look similar. I never did know my dad. You weren't here in 95. You were here around New Year's. He look when Matt was 50. He look like a [ __ ] toad. You have like DS TS. Look at this kid. I look like I b through my foreskin. You look like you're living with AIDS. All right. What else is in here? Uh, coincidentally, we look similar, which
8:05 makes me want to be just like you. It is my lifelong goal to become a famous comedian/ actor, and I was wondering if you could please, in quotes, take me under your wing. Oh man. Now I need you to take me under yours. I need some more gigs. Thank god I didn't email Kevin Spacey. [Applause] I did. [Applause] Help me out. Anything at all?
8:50 What exactly? Are you using the first chat GPT [ __ ] beta to write that? I do sound very professional, which I'm actually kind of impressed with. Very few spelling errors. This is saying a lot. I'm from Champagne County. Um, yeah. Where the best perfume they wear is off. Please, if you could take the time out of your busy schedule to help me out, it would make me the happiest person in the world. Thank you so much. and have a great day. [Applause] That's crazy, dude. Do you remember when I replied? I said, "I'm busy. Go [ __ ] yourself."
9:38 I did reply. You said You said something like, "I'll I'll see you I'll see you in LA. I'll be I'll be at the Laugh Factory upstairs on the couch." Like that. I said, "Finish high school and come to the factory." And then uh you came upstairs one day. I was Harry Griffin brought me up. I remember sitting on the couch being like, "Oh my [ __ ] god." Like that's that's Dane Cook. And uh you were very kind. And we started to perform together and became very good friends. Dne took me on tour like all 2018, 2019. And uh and then here I was. I I sold this place out. And then you bring me here tonight to embarrass me by selling more tickets than I did. You [ __ ] You
10:24 very successful bastard. Dude, it's absolutely serendipitous, man. It's so [ __ ] weird that a I would even write this email. Can I tell you the the best part? It's not like it's [ __ ] cool that we broke the record here, but just that it was like I don't know. It's a [ __ ] great show. You guys are so much [ __ ] fun, dude. Some crowds aren't fun. And uh this this this really didn't feel like a homecoming, man. It doesn't as as far as Ohio, it doesn't really get any [ __ ] bigger than Nationwide Arena. So, I'm I'm very happy you guys even wanted to come hang out for a couple hours out of your nights.
