Full transcript of “Nostalgia Critic - Digimon: The Movie (ft. JesuOtaku) (Censored)”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:14 uh what's with you people i didn't watch digimon growing up i i was in college for god's sake i didn't even watch pokemon and yet so many people are like who do you teaching no seriously it's how some of the emails go look do digimon do digimon waves arms in girly fashion and squeaks in high pitched voice what am i supposed to say about show i don't know slash care anything about and yet everybody's asking me to do it there's only one person that can help me out with this [Music]
1:05 no clouds out when would that ever happen [Music] it's during the day [Music] the time has come are we invading another micro nation what do you want it it says joe in the sky no it doesn't it says j-o yeah that spells joe do you have gesso otaku's number yeah
1:51 can you text it to me not until i get a joe signal in the sky i deserve a joe signal critic oh cuba someday we'll rule this world together we just need to fix your ears first [Music] hello hey uh look outside uh yeah you see that incredibly expensive spotlight being pointed in the sky uh yeah i thought that was for angry joe actually i'm doing digimon you want to help or not oh critic you can't come into a show like digimon and expect to properly represent it you need to have grown up with it seen a majority of the episodes have a good connection to the fan community that you obviously asleep don't have so yeah this is far out of your league even with my
2:37 help well if that's the way it has to be now the movie on the other hand [Music] but wait i thought in order to talk about the movie i have to know about the show right well technically this movie claims you can come into it without knowing anything about the show or the franchise they say they explain everything for newcomers do they no but that's part of why it sucks so much it's actually three films with completely different plots and settings smashed together into one with only smash mouth songs and bad puns holding it together so even fans of the show didn't like this movie for the most part oh joy bunnies let's not waste any time
3:24 really because i'm quite content with wasting time let's take a look at this elephant dookie that is the digimon movie so we opened on this is it gg pal oh hey i forgot about this part what the [ __ ] is that god those digimon are even more hideous than i imagined no no this isn't digimon that's um angela anaconda boy i thought japanese animation would be a little better than this well it's not exactly the movie angela anaconda was owned by fox as well so they wanted to promote two turds with one bomb wasn't shown just in theaters for a quick gag either it kicks off every copy of the movie this is seriously part of the flick this is their best foot forward people it's like an extreme night terror if you passed out drinking
4:10 moonshine while watching terry gilliam cartoons oh so mrs prince and ninny pooh think they can block the digimon show with their big fat digimon blocking heads do they angela anaconda did evolve to angela my god it's still going goes on for four minutes you know at least the pokemon movie didn't open with the biker mice from mars motoring in to watch it on the big screen what's next spongebob racing in to watch the last airbender boy shyamalan needs to throw in the towel i thought there were blue cats in this [Music] so when does the movie actually start
5:06 is that a digi rap don't look or listen to it your brain will fall out with the g will and digivice in hand there's a digi dynamic force in dizzy when the digit passes [Music] yes this is especially bad in how cheap and corporate pandering it is even for a children's anime and that's saying a lot the dizzy dudes will digi rules [Music] you know i don't think the rapper from friday here has said digi enough times no i stick digi onto more words it'll be funny okay no we know what we're doing we're fox producers it's digi forced and digi controlled no digi brain cells will be left alive there's no doubt about it this is simply embarrassing if only they could put a more dignified rap in there
5:55 [Music] [Applause] [Music] thus we get our first scene of the movie who says there's no such thing as monsters and i'm lost didn't take you long did it phil no no it's okay this is just a flash forward to what you're about to see oh so they're showing us what's gonna happen like near the end of the movie actually more like the first 10 minutes this whole scene is pretty pointless seeing as how we're gonna see it again in just a few moments maybe they figured the target audience would walk out if some violence didn't happen in the first few seconds but after that we're introduced to kari the resident mary sue and younger sister of the show's lead character tai not that you know that this movie's not kind to the uninitiated
6:41 and yet oddly enough they never shut that up i was right it was our first digi egg and on the other side of the world willis was getting his gg egg at the exact same time the human squeak toy talks on and on throughout the movie shouting exposition and yet i still have no idea what's going on i'm part of a team called the digi destiny there were only a handful of us at first but we've added a few members since then that's willis in america his digital adventure as well as ours began that night eight years ago like who the is willis they keep talking about him but apparently he's over in america while this takes place in japan oh trust me we'll get to that joy so kari tells the audience that eight years ago their computer dropped them off a strange delivery of spamming she and her brother are confused by the
7:27 alien egg but decide to take care of it while their mother is out if anybody asks where that weird-looking head came from let's tell them our chicken coop is on a nuclear waste dump one problem this movie and the tv show unfortunately share is their propensity for bad jokes not just unfunny jokes but ones that don't make any sense when you start to think about them some were so bad they created plot holes in the story i'll make three bean salad nobody's coming over mom that's all right i only have two beans anyway [Music] alive what the egg suddenly hatches revealing my name is kari kari you two are the best friends i ever had we're the only friends you've had uh i wouldn't find that face hugging too cute the last person that happened to
8:13 didn't turn out so well [Music] yeah you may notice this movie has an eclectic soundtrack entirely inappropriate in every scene but eclectic i like to play late 90s bingo with it after several cutesy minutes with terrible jokes it can't get any worse it just got worse [Music] an electrical storm blows through the city causing everything to go haywire and the kid's digimon friend to put on his cirrus business face an entirely new face in fact you know that this hormone isn't the one we
8:59 became friends with later on so he goes through the natural evolution from tiny bunny rabbit into dinosaur uh no well let me explain digion are supposed to be living packets of data so the bigger the packet like kilobytes megabytes gigabytes etc the bigger the monster and they become stronger by eating learning and bonding with organic life forms specifically human children so it's a tamagotchi yeah a tamagotchi that kicks my gigapit never did that i usually just let it die this is why the show was awesome oh really big cracker and that's why
9:45 this movie sucks so baloney the dinosaur dukes it out with a giant parrot that just seems to pop them out of nowhere while the kids cower underneath him [Music] okay i have to admit the animation in this fight is a lot of fun to watch in fact i'd even say it's pretty impressive yeah most of the footage they cut together to make this movie was directed by mamuro josoda a unique and talented anime director who later went on to make the girl who led through time and summer wars his digimon work was really excellent and even in this choppy american recut a lot of the sweetness and emotion of the original shines through are you gonna go on about this for a few hours uh i usually do sorry my review movie first boring anime later later as in never oh so the two fight
10:33 and eventually the dinosaur wins [Music] now that's what i call a dead putter it was a while before we realized that those of us who saw what happened became the digidestined it was even longer before we found out that willis met his digimon that same night okay they mentioned this willis kid again but he's not anywhere in the freaking movie so far why do they keep bringing them up okay remember when i said they used three different digimon movies to make this one let me guess he's not in the other two movies they used is he yep he's only in the last one so to try and pretend they have a cohesive narrative they just keep talking about him it's annoying
11:18 speaking of which flash forward four years to a completely different plot we're done with that one let's go what when did this movie become castaway you mean this whole scene had nothing to do with what comes next nope or what comes after then why did they show it because it had a dinosaur fighting a parrot how could you not show that like this woman child so four years later we meet computer whiz and fan favorite izzy farting about on the world wide web huh prodigious a computer virus on the internet wow prodigious a hippie in a prius prodigious ben kingsley in a bad movie prodigious a thing that would very obviously be an another thing prodigious a balding internet reviewer who screams
12:04 a lot prodigious an anime fan who obviously takes herself way too seriously women child so this kari girl narrates more about how there's a digimon egg online digi egg oh god that's the official term it was cute they call evolution digivolving too and their little trinkets are called digi vices yeah and was it cute when kid icarus kept putting ickis at the end of every word too you can count on me to win the archery event princesses no but he didn't have a dinosaur fighting a parrot argument over the digi egg's been infected with a virus and it's trying to destroy the real world network ty doesn't have time to worry about because he's trying to send an email to his crush sora and the evil digi egg
12:49 won't let it go through oh the horror i'm going to a birthday party i got my friend a pink power ring guess what show the company who dubbed this also owned yogi bear i thought maybe the ranger went gay you're trying to tell a girl you're sorry on your computer set you down one week ladies one hour of movie to go izzy gets a hold of ty and tells them they have to contact their friends in the digital world to stop the internet menace it's been a long time who else is there you can collect them all in each mcdonald's happy meal actually i think
13:36 dairy queen made the toys for this thing you know this and you're not deeply ashamed i never said i wasn't the kids send their digimon out to fight the virus an orange dinosaur an electric ladybug and they pulverize it but all they've done is made it an angry arachnid who takes off to wipe out the electric devices of the real world so they call the blonde kid matt and his little brother tk it doesn't matter i'm gonna forget him tomorrow anyway we're on vacation to come back to the city and back him up [Music] all i need is savage garden and a theme from titanic matt and tk send in their digimon but the baddie ditch evolves to his most powerful mega state diaboromon which is totally supposed to be diablo mon but in
14:22 case it wasn't obvious the folks who dubbed this movie are not terribly perceptive now they have a real fight on their hands there's something wrong with me what is it i think it's your mother's recipes i hate to tell you i told you so but i told you so there's more poop jokes in this movie than the phantom menace actually this one's a plot point oh good because i really wanted the diarrhea to play a big part in the story with izzy out of the room ty crashes the computer like you do cutting off his connection from the digimon not a single call can get through hello this is ty hello did you program me can spiderman come out to play ty tries to get help from his friends
15:08 but most of them are already preoccupied you got this postcard in the mail from mimi he's on vacation in hawaii oh i don't have a care in the world and i'm wishing you were here um never make that face again oh cut away from that hi izzy welcome back so for a bunch of confusing exposition or maybe not confusing boring is a much better word a whole bunch of thrown at us about a digimon cloning himself taking over all the phone lines operating all the computers of the world and did i also mention he launches nuclear weapons on the side too we're not even halfway through this movie and already they're throwing all this at us how are you gonna top nuclear weapons about to destroy the world agreed it
15:53 would be a little better if they saved this for the climax of the film but hey it's got some good animation it's a touch suspenseful oh yeah there's so many characters i'm concerned about like this girl i don't know or these kids i just met and these two that do nothing but quite awkward puns oh yeah i really want to know what happens to them oh come on you have to admit it's a little bit exciting exciting it's almost a half an hour of people doing nothing but looking at their computer screen that's really all that's going on i mean think about is there anything more wasteful and useless than just looking at your computer screen for almost a half hour [Laughter] so diabromon is defeated the nuclear
16:40 bombs are deactivated and conveniently don't land on any civilians and clearly most important of all ty gets his email to his lovely lady friend i love that so what's a few raindrops between friends [Music] oh i bet they make a cute couple what what they say it would take too long to explain we better take a break here we'll be back in a minute let's see what digimon does to people they're supposed to be together stupid zero two epilogue you're good i'll be fine you weren't even wearing mascara how is it running
17:26 i don't know so third story oh my god 35 minutes to go why do you keep mentioning the time anyway well that's one of the reasons this movie is so terrible it has no arc no connection between the three stories you can pop on the movie at any point and have no idea if you're in the first act or hear the climax or the resolution just a bunch of series of vignettes with no point well one point i guess make money make money for fox kids you'll leave and pour them on to match witch with the best of them as well as tan lines and there's davis and demi vimon yeah i know davis looks a lot like my brother ty we blame lazy character design for that ty and kari are in new york because well really if we can't stay in the same story for five minutes why should we
18:11 stay in the same location and they come across willis hey he finally has a point in this movie well kind of ish coco mon this has to stop [Applause] you know i'm glad they jump right into the fight sequence instead of oh i don't know develop this willis kid they've been building up for the past hour who wants to care about who's fighting when we could just jump straight to the fighting itself so the american rabbit and the muppet minstrel show have a little fight until the big one disappears they call the
18:57 other cast members down to colorado who if you don't know the show you have no idea who most of these kids are right critic is that the california kid from the wizard my point exactly california but kokomon appears in the digimon digivolve to fight him [Music] later on the fire of courage so in their world do texts always appear behind them like scott pilgrim for that matter does every digimon get a narrator to announce their name whenever they do this rage ramon the storm of friendship wouldn't that get old after a while critic opens refrigerator critic drinks milk
19:44 critic gives incredibly annoying look critic walks off screen critic kicks the narrator and the narrator feels incredible pain and i'm not gonna lie this is pretty much the rest of the movie just pointless fighting with really no purpose at all [Music] the first act has no purpose you will connect it to the plot even the pokemon movie at least had a moral and okay it was then it made no sense but at least it was trying to have a point this all
20:31 seems entirely useless oh wait i take it back there's a quick backstory about where pokemon came from but it goes by so fast you almost miss it eight years ago a digi egg came out of my computer and it hatched into twin digimon terriermon and kokomon i finally had someone to play with my very own pets and they talked too it was the best before my digi egg could hatch it was attacked by a virus and it mutated into diaboromon yeah the pacing in this movie is awful that should have been like a big dramatic reveal if it took its time develop some character or at least slow down for a minute but even the backstory seems half the plot being so rushed and there being no time to have the audience absorb what's going on it's sort of like a story as complicated as harry potter was being given the same treatment harry
21:16 potter had a family but he didn't like them but it's okay because he's going to a school where others like him and there's magic and he's magic too but there's a bad teacher who it turns out isn't bad but then it turns out he is bad but then it turns out he isn't bad maybe there's also a bunch of bad kids and a bad guy with no nose they're really evil except for maybe they might be good except that one student might be good and there's also a teacher might be good might be evil one not entirely sure and then they all lived in three books pointlessly stressed out into seven ever after actually maybe that would be better even the emotional reactions are incredibly rushed look what's the matter with you that's the saddest story i'm the one with the problem not you get over it okay i didn't edit that i swear to god i did not edit that scene at all that's really
22:03 how it's played that is the real pacing of that moment oh come on critic be fair i'm sure some emotional issues can be resolved that well you should have to be mature oh yeah get over that whole tie in his lady friend thing all right fine then i will [Music] what follows is fighting and fighting and more fighting god i never seen so much action be so boring i mean there's a rabbit with machine guns for hands how do you make that boring
22:50 how come on we have to digivel to our mega form so we can release the golden kitchen eggs sir [Music] i'm sorry i squeeze you squeeze you squeeze for something in this movie no no it's just like okay potamon and ganoman never achieved mega level in the show before along with several of the digimon but that's not important right now and it's just it's so rare to see and they look so cool and cool it's a burger king kids club chess piece and a my little pony version of falcore draftymon carrying me away in your big mad angel arms i
23:39 but in an exciting if not a kind of confusing climax kokomon somehow takes them back in time he can do that now i'm not questioning it to a point when the virus that affected him was at a weaker stage so they use their digi powers to defeat the virus and pokemon returns back to his normal form i guess without the virus pokemon couldn't heal himself anymore the battle was too much for him don't be sad willis one thing you have to learn about digimon they never really die as long as there's someone around to buy our will never disappear pokemon like i said willis learned about teamwork the hard work he did he also found out that davis was right digimon never really died their information just
24:25 gets reconfigured only sometimes they come back singing a different tune the everlasting shame that you watch this movie what a piece of i know nothing about this show and this movie didn't do anything to fix that all it did was turn me off to it even more they say it was three movies spliced together and you know what i believe it there is no care about what happens to these characters or if the story makes any sense whatsoever let me make this clear i love digimon flaws and corniness and all there was a passion and sincerity to the tv series even the english language version that surpassed any expectations for a marketing vehicle that existed the production team was
25:12 told to promote toys and they made a moving charming fun story that fans still remember fondly today but this the purest and most obnoxious of cash ins that take the worst aspects of the show and blows them up tenfold in the hopes of making a quick buck for fox it's hilarious it's embarrassing it's pretty much unwatchable the impact this movie has made on the digimon franchise and it's not so great reputation is to make me so upset i can't even sleep tonight and if i can't sleep tonight nobody can [Applause] [Music]
26:05 to the world [Music] i deserve a joe signal critic
