Signs The Attraction Is Mutual (But Neither of You Is Saying Anything)

0:00 Hello everybody. I'm a practicing therapist and I'm also a doctoral student of psychology. Today I want to talk about signs that attraction is mutual between two individuals. And it's typically, at least for this particular video, it's where neither of you guys are really saying anything or have made a move just yet. Normally, it is a cluster of these behaviors. That's what we call it in psychology. In other words, it's a collection of these behaviors to which you can use these this cluster to understand that this person actually does have interest and it's not just a random event. So that's where we look at it from that perspective. And if you are curious about a particular case, maybe between you and a girlfriend or an ex or somebody that's a friend, perhaps even someone that is a love interest and you're trying to figure out what is what's going on with this particular

0:47 case, you can email me or book a consultation. That is pinned in the comments. Um and the first one is actually nonverbal mimicry. And this is an unconscious coordination. And so this is what is very interesting. Why I used the word coordination is it is it is in response subconsciously to you and her or him is in response to and you are in response to him or her, if that makes sense. And these are movements. This is posture. It can be facial expressions. It can be gestures, even speech rate and the type of eye contact as well as body language as a whole between these two individuals during this particular interaction. And now, I do want to explain that this interaction, the reason why this happens psychologically, is because these two individuals are very focused subconsciously on what's happening. So I'm not sure if you've

1:33 ever experienced this, but this is an example that has a very similar behavior, okay? So I'm going to use the example of eavesdropping. And I'm not saying that eavesdropping is right or wrong. I'm just giving the example from a psychological perspective, okay? Let's say you are doing something and you hear an interesting conversation. Some What happens with a lot of people is even if you didn't really mean to listen in, subconsciously you are listening in and you become focused on that. Such a point where whatever you might be doing, you actually might unconsciously stop doing those things because you have put your focus subconsciously on something you are listening to. You didn't even mean to. It's It happens subconsciously. And so, what happens is between you and this other individual, this is a very similar event. You don't You both don't realize

2:18 this is occurring, but what happens is you have become very the focal point of each other during this interaction. And externally, other people can kind of see that this is happening cuz you might be, you know, you might have stopped talking to other people. Your body language might be facing this particular person, and similar with them. And research has shown that this These behaviors, why this happens from a very evolutionary psychology level, so deep within our wiring, is because these behaviors actually increase rapport, trust, liking, cooperation, which is very important, right? Empathy, social bonding. And it is important that this is not the only evidence of romantic attraction because this can occur between friends. It can between um

3:03 parents and children, co-workers, even strangers. It can happen between you and like a conversation that you're eavesdropping about. However, um often it does happen more commonly with those who are attracted to one another, okay? The next one is genuine responsiveness, okay? And so, what is responsiveness? So, research in 2004 does show that responsiveness is a perception that the other person understands you, validates you, and genuinely cares about you. So, this is mutual, okay? And so, this is considered This is particularly considered one of the strongest predictors of intimacy. And so, another study published in 2017 actually developed a very valid measure, I would say, for perceived responsiveness. And so, we can see that

3:50 this is not just one research. These have been compiled on to one another, different times, different uh subjects, and we are still seeing very similar results. Higher responsiveness predicts happier relationships, stronger intimacy both in and outside of the bedroom, stronger communication, and greater emotional security, which is why if you are seeing this, this is a very strong indicator of not just short-term attraction, but potentially long-term commitment and attraction, okay? The next one is a substantial and uh I would say a very long mutual gaze. The reason why I it's hard for me to say this because there is micro expressions as well, but you can see that after the micro expressions, this eye contact is also maintained. And I've made a video

4:36 on micro expressions. Um Mutual gaze does refer to where both people it's not always intentional, but it can turn intentional throughout the interaction. That's why it's a little hard to place this one. Um where they look at each other and they actually maintain that eye contact. And so, the research does show this one in 2018 shows that mutual gaze shows coordination of attention. It shows it communicates indirectly. Actually through body language. I don't know if you would say it's indirect, but it's nonverbal is a better way to put it. Um interest. It does show interest. It shows increased emotional understanding between two people, and it helps regulate the conversation neurologically and psychologically. So,

5:22 that is why we do it and it does strengthen the feeling of closeness, okay? And so, that it's kind of like a rhythm, to be honest, because it's not going to happen just continuously. It's going to happen throughout an interaction more likely. Um and so, you will see that continuous initiating and responding with eye contact is a better way to put it. And that same research in 2018 regarding the neuroscience of eye contact, it does show that direct eye contact activates brain regions that are involved with social awareness, okay? And it does increase emotional arousal, which is very correlated to bonding, okay? It strengthens interpersonal engagement, and it can contribute to feelings of connection. And so usually two individuals who if they have a connection, the eye contact is usually

6:09 stronger, but also people who who don't have a connection, but they have some sort of attraction, if they engage in that eye contact, usually there is a connection that begins deepening during that interaction. So it actually works both ways, okay? Um the next one is that you regulate each other's emotions. Now this will be more particular if you know each other at least to some extent. You won't be able to really tell this um about a stranger. However, it can happen. It is less common, but it can happen even with a stranger if the attraction is incredibly strong. You regulate each other's emotions, okay? I'm going to explain what this means. So the research that was published was in 2013, and it does describe how individuals who feel very close to each other, particularly married couples, but also those who are very strongly attracted, regulate each other's

6:54 emotions. And so this is interesting because we do see this. I'm a therapist, and a lot of times when I work with couples who are you know they're really struggling, I can see that they don't regulate each other's emotions. However, as we build stronger connection among those two individuals, we do see that those individuals are strongly they're regulating each other. Another example could be like family therapy. I give family therapy, and sometimes family therapy is not that the couple has does not have a strong relationship, but actually can be the couple is struggling with their let's say teenage child, okay? And so all three of them show up in session. And I can see couples that are actually very connected, and I always see how they regulate each other's emotions. The wife might be feeling very overwhelmed by the fact that her son is shutting her out, and then her husband can automatically regulate the emotion. Husband might be

7:40 very angry about maybe the son admitting something that he didn't know about wife immediately can regulate him. And so we can see these things, okay? It's uh it's mutual. And we can also see that with two people who are very attracted to one another. We can see that this reduces stress, it increases emotional stability, and it shows shared regulation of emotional states. And so you might be in a situation where uh let's say it's you might consider it like an unspoken connection. You might understand each other. This is what you're talking about normally, okay? So let's say a girl that you are attracted to or is a friend. You She's a friend. And she's feeling a little bit upset, but immediately if you say anything or just even step in the room, she automatically calms down. She automatically feels safe because you guys regulate each other, okay? So that's kind of the best way to put it. And the last one is you influence each

8:27 other's so um self-concept. This is really powerful. It happens a lot with married couples, but it can also happen with those very strong connection and attraction, okay? And so the research shows that the concept that we have among ourselves, of course, is you know, it's ever-changing. However, those who are more connected or close to us or who are more influential is usually those who we find attractive or close to us or someone that we want subconsciously in our life. And so it's going to be someone that potentially is going to be someone we want to get married to or have children to, etc. And so Excuse me. It's going to be somebody that if they say something or they start doing something, you feel a little comfortable also doing that. Maybe vice

9:13 versa, you might say that you think that this person might be better suited for a different role maybe in their position, their career. And suddenly they're more interested in that. Maybe they're advocating themself for that decision because you have kind of adjusted their self-concept. And so I hope this video is helpful to somebody. Please like, subscribe. I'll see you in the next one.