The hidden reasons why people fall in love (and why it wasn't with you...)

0:00 When we develop feelings for someone and those feelings are not reciprocated, it can be tempting to ask why not me. And then when that person goes on to develop feelings for someone else, we might wonder why did they fall in love with that person instead? What do they have that I don't? And it can be maddening. Basically, this bargaining stage of grief in which we try to rack our brains to figure out maybe if I had done this or if only I had been more like this, maybe then they would have fallen in love with me. But the truth is, there are a lot of layers to why people fall in love with each other. And some of them run much deeper than you might realize. In a lot of these cases, it has little to do with who you are as a person and much more to do with that other person's psychological complexes. So, let's talk about it. What are the hidden reasons why people fall in love?

0:46 And why should you try to not take it too personally if they didn't fall in love with you and maybe fell in love with someone else instead? Before I get into those, jot down in the comments why you fell in love with your partner, if you have one, so that we can see which of these layers it hits on. Without further ado, let's get started. [Music] So there are different layers to why people fall in love. So I'll start with the more let's say superficial ones and then we'll get deeper and deeper into the more psychologically interesting ones. The most superficial level is that

1:33 people want to be with partners who hold socially desirable traits. So in most cultures that means beauty. There's something called the halo effect which is when somebody is more beautiful. They are also perceived as having other socially desirable traits as well like intelligence. Intelligence is another one. There's also a halo effect for intelligence. Agreeableness tends to be something that people cite. Wanting in an ideal partner. So things like kindness, being a nice person, being fun to be around. Humor is another one. If you're interested in learning more about what traits tend to be valued in current society, I did make a video a couple years ago on what is the ideal partner according to research. So I'll pop that up here if you're interested. But that's really the most superficial layer. We

2:18 want to be with someone who holds socially desirable traits. A little deeper. People want to be with partners who hold egoonic traits and values. Egoonic means that a trait is the way that you want to be consistent with the ideal self. For example, it is egoonic for me that I am a hardworking person because I want to be a hardworking person. But it is an egoistonic trait that I tend to be a little bit neurotic because I don't want to be that way. Oftentimes people want to be with someone who is like them. So if somebody is very outgoing, they also want a partner who's very outgoing. We tend to want people who are a similar attractiveness level to us. We tend to want people who are a similar socioeconomic status as us. Sometimes it also means we want to be with someone

3:04 who holds a trait that we want but don't yet have. For example, if you're very shy, you might be drawn to very outgoing people if you yourself wish you were more outgoing. So part of all of this is that we are drawn to people who are similar to us because it makes us feel validated as human beings. It gives us an ego boost that yes what I am what I want to be that is good that is the good way to be part of it is also that relationships tend to be easier and more compatible when people are similar to us or share our values. For example, someone who doesn't care at all about advancing their career is probably going to experience a lot of conflict and a lot of friction in a relationship with somebody who does value career advancement. Let's go a little deeper though. People also tend to fall in love

3:49 with someone who embodies their shadow self. The shadow self is a Yungian term. It's a personification of everything we reject about ourselves, everything we want not to be, everything egoistonic. So, for example, if you are a very conscientious, riskaverse person who's terrified of getting into trouble, you might sometimes be drawn to someone who is the exact opposite, who's quite impulsive and erratic because it excites you. It brings balance to you. And maybe that's because deep down you need to lighten up a bit. You want to embody a little taste of their personality unconsciously in order to balance out your personality. The psyche craves balance. This is behind the saying that opposites attract. We are always trying to individuate and trying to achieve integration between the polarity of who

4:35 we are and who we are not. So sometimes that means we are drawn to things that we actually on the surface hate about ourselves deeper. People tend to fall in love with those who remind them of someone difficult from their past or someone they have unfinished business with. There's this concept in psychology called a repetition compulsion, which is when you try to repeat the same relational pattern over and over with different people, new people in your life to have sort of like a corrective experience for the initial trauma. Oftentimes these repetition compulsions come from childhood from a parent because that is the very first relationship you ever had was with your parents and it was during a time when you were highly malleable and it shaped

5:20 you into the person you are today. So for example, if as a child you were treated quite harshly by your parents. Maybe you developed a crush on the meanest boy ever who called you names who was so awful to you because you unconsciously wanted to fix that relationship with your parents by getting it right this time with your crush. But it might not necessarily be from childhood or from dealing with your parents either. It could be something completely different like you keep being drawn to men with icy blue eyes because your very first crush had icy blue eyes and he broke your heart and now every time you see icy blue eyes it reminds you of that heartbreak and you try to get it right this time. And also one of these deep layers is that people tend to fall in love with partners who feed their unconscious self-esteem needs. For

6:07 example, if you are someone who unconsciously believes that they hold no worth, you might be drawn to partners who mistreat you, who confirm that belief. If you are someone who unconsciously believes that you have a lot to offer the world, you might be drawn to partners who treat you well. If you're someone who's very grandiose, who has this need to be idealized, you might be drawn to partners who treat you like god. If you're someone who was neglected a lot as a child, you might be drawn to partners who lose their minds if you're not around, who have like this desperate need for you to be present and can be kind of clingy. So, do you see how there are the more surface level reasons that people fall in love and then there are deeper and deeper and deeper ones that most people are not even aware they have when they fall in love with someone. I'm about to go into some examples to really

6:53 illustrate why people fall in love with each other that I think will make this really, really clear for you guys. But before I do, a word from today's sponsor, Water Drop. One thing that my husband does to express his love for me is to refill my water, especially now that I am very heavily pregnant. It is very difficult to get up off the couch or the bed. And so, it really means a lot when he refills it for me. But, I've had some doubts about the water filter that we've been using for years because I kept hearing from experts that it doesn't fully filter out all the toxins that are a concern in water. And when you consider how much water we consume across our lifetime, that's arguably the most important place to really reduce toxins as much as possible because that stuff really adds up over time. Also, the type of water filter that we use, it's like a pitcher and I've been keeping it in the fridge just to keep my

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8:25 this is going to be amazing for postpartum when I can't be going up and down the stairs all day to refill my water. And I still get to have cool water because I'm just keeping it upstairs, you know, here in my working area. And it's also going to free up some fridge space. Plus, with a 4 in-one composite filter, you get a whole year of purified water for just $69.99. So, if you're looking for a way to reduce toxins in everyday life, I highly recommend giving Water Drop a try. It's also a great day to show your love this Mother's Day with a gift that keeps yourself and just the whole family healthy. So, check out the link in my description box to grab up to 30% off. Now, back to some examples about why people fall in love with each other. Let me run through some examples to really elucidate what this looks like in practice. Example one, Milen is drop deadad gorgeous, sweet, and smart. She

9:11 falls in love with Alex. But Alex rejects Milan. He's much more drawn to another woman, Camila. Camila is not a very kind person. She can be moody and harsh in the way that she speaks to people. She's also not socially speaking considered as beautiful as Milen. So Milen lies awake at night wondering what's so wrong with her that Alex would prefer Camila over her. What Milen doesn't know is that Camila holds certain traits that make her a very magnetic partner to Alex. For starters, Camila is a badass independent career woman, which Alex values a lot more than sweetness. He admires go-getters since he's one himself. He doesn't care about people being sweet that much. Also, Camila sometimes acts in ways that are similar to Alex's mom. Alex's mom was a

9:57 very difficult narcissistic woman. Alex never felt like he could get her approval. And although Camila doesn't have a full-blown personality disorder herself, when she acts difficult to please, it triggers Alex's compulsive need to prove himself to her, he becomes addicted to her approval. Plus, Camila even looks a little bit like his mom, which all in all makes Camila a much more appealing love interest to Alex than Milen was. It's not that Milen did anything wrong or that she's not good enough. It's simply that she doesn't have the particular constellation of traits that makes her magnetic to Alex. Example two, Carlos falls head over heels for Laa as soon as he meets her. Laa is from Latin America just as he is. They share certain unspoken values and

10:42 life experiences. In addition, Carlos is smitten with how gentle and sweet LA is. He himself is quite gentle and sweet as a person, so she really admires how kindly she speaks to service staff when they're out together. Years into their relationship, however, it becomes apparent that there were also other more unconscious forces at play in Carlos's attraction to her. You see, Carlos is a person who struggles to stand up for himself. Whereas Laa has always been forced to fend for herself. She grew up in a foster home situation that wasn't the best, had a lot of complex trauma that resulted in her, although she's a sweet person, being pretty good at standing up for herself. So when Carlos starts to have issues with his boss at work and starts to really be mistreated, Laa begins modeling a very protective

11:29 type of energy over him and it makes Carlos realize that he didn't deserve the way he was being treated by his boss. So he starts to embody some of that protective energy too and starts to stand up for himself. She's kind of bringing balance to his personality. When they first fell in love, Carlos had no idea that this was under the surface, that LA represented an aspect of his shadow self while at the same time embodying certain values that he holds dear. But unconsciously, his soul recognized that she was what he needed for the process of individuation. And he was drawn to her like a magnet. And lastly, example three. Mark falls in love with Judy. The two of them have a lot in common. They're both from the same culture in the south. They share the same values, so on and so forth. Mark worries that he's overplayed his

12:14 hand to Judy, that he's maybe scared her off by telling her how into her he is. The very next week, Judy starts dating Ahmed, who's even more clingy and possessive than Mark. What Mark doesn't know is that when she was a little girl, Judy's mom told her to never date Middle Eastern men. Judy's mom was racist and Islamophobic, and ever since that moment, Middle Eastern men started to be kind of like a forbidden fruit for Judy. She started to find them very attractive without even realizing why. And so every time she dates a Middle Eastern man, she feels like she's rebelling against her strict authoritarian mom, which feels like a delicious taste of freedom. What she doesn't realize is that Ahmed is actually similar to Judy's mom in some ways. He can be quite controlling and jealous. And unconsciously, this leaves Judy craving a relationship with him

13:00 because she thinks if she just gets it right this time, she'll be able to do over the relationship with her mom. But again, Mark doesn't know any of this. So, he just watches Judy and Ahmed's toxic relationship from afar, wondering why she tolerates this behavior in Ahmed when she seems so put off by his own clingy behavior. Mark comes to the conclusion that he must not be enough of a Chad for Judy and the women just only want bad boys and screw over the nice guy. Little does he know the truth. Moral of the story, you guys, it's not personal. Or actually, it is personal. It has to do with like personal traits that you hold. But it's not that you're not good enough for this person to fall in love with you. People tend to fall in love because of a mix of reasons. Some ways in which they're similar to their love interest, some ways in which their love interests are different and sort of

13:46 compliments. Some things that's missing from their life, some ways in which their love interest reminds them of someone from their past. Truth is, sometimes there is something you could have done differently to win over this person's affections. You know, like if you were super intense and stirred a lot of drama, maybe if you hadn't done that, this person would still be with you. Or if you had really bad hygiene and this person found it difficult to talk to you because of your heltosis, maybe changing that could have changed the outcome of them breaking up with you. But there are always deeper factors at play, too. You could have been perfectly low drama and it still wouldn't have been enough for that person because they were ultimately looking for someone to fill an unconscious need that they're not even aware of. There's usually no way to know, no way to find out the true reason

14:32 why somebody fell in love with someone else and not you. Because the vast majority of people aren't even aware of these unconscious forces at play in their own relationships. If you ask them, "Why did you pick her and not me?" They'll probably say something along the lines of, "I can't describe it. I just wanted to be around her all the time. So, please stop beating yourself up and ruminating over what you could have done differently. If you want to set yourself up for a future love story, sure, you could increase your chances of doing so by boosting socially desirable traits and trying to date people who have similar traits and values and interests as you. But at the end of the day, there might be someone out there who's perfect for you even with all your imperfections. someone who will be drawn to you not despite your flaws, but because your flaws perfectly complement an unconscious need that they have. So

15:18 maybe you don't need to change yourself at all. Maybe all you need to do is realize that there's nothing wrong with you and wait for that special someone. Take care. [Music] Tell me what you want. What you need? [Music]