Full transcript of “The Shame of Feeling Like a Failure in My Late 20s”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 Throughout my life, I've been many almost almost successful, almost got that job, almost got that relationship, almost almost almost. But almost is you nothing, and that's why I feel like a failure. Um in my late 20s, about to turn 30, and I feel like a huge failure, especially because I got too close. When I was a kid in school, I used to be one of the best students in my school. I had these huge expectations, and I was too innocent. I thought I would have conquered many things by 25. I thought I would have gotten a job because I would put the effort, I would study a lot, and I had the willingness to do it. I used to have dreams of what I would do
0:47 when I became 20, and once I reached my 20s, I failed. I remember the second I got in college, and here in Brazil getting into a public college is a huge thing. I did my very best when I finished school, I did not pass, so I studied for 1 more year, and the second I was in it, I actually felt miserable cuz I had just realized I probably didn't love the thing that I said I loved a lot, and most importantly, my little bubble, the previous bubble in which I was the best student, was not there anymore, and I felt humbled for the first time cuz I was in touch with people who were much more advanced than I was. And although I was really impressed and happy to see them,
1:34 I was scared. I finally realized what was like to be in the real world, and that I probably didn't even have enough tools to proceed and to succeed. Leaving school was the first experience I had with failure because my school was small, and without belittling my my previous efforts because I used to put a lot of effort. My world was pretty limited and I would do my best, but I didn't know how much I still had to learn and I didn't know myself enough. So, I grew up with all these expectations. I thought I was a good kid. I thought I was a good student and back then I would get the validation.
2:20 I was fairly known in my school for many times. I was known as the best student, the one with the highest grades and for me that was the logic. I was always taught not to be snobby and things like this, but still living like that made my brain build certain expectations. I had no idea that life would show me differently. And it was not only in the professional sense, also in the relationship sense. Because I was one of the best students in my school, I would dedicate most of my time to study. I would study all the time. I would focus and I only had eyes for that.
3:06 In that sense, I didn't have many experiences as a normal teenagers cuz I was there just looking at my books, trying to make sure I would have a future. I was not really a fan of many big parties and so on, but I miss these things. I miss the timing and I did not have lots of experiences. If on the one hand I was quite protected, on the other I realized I didn't know how to handle relationships. I didn't know how to meet people and enjoy a party. I didn't know how to be a full human and the second I got into college and I started feeling my failures, I knew I probably did not know
3:53 how to function. Learning how to study and putting all my efforts into being a good student was not enough. I do not want to blame my teenage version cuz she was really doing her best and she thought that that was the way. But adult life came and it taught me how much I still had to learn. The second I left school, I started feeling like a failure because no matter how good I was, how amazing my grades were, I couldn't enter college. Here in Brazil, we have a kind of different system in which it only requires the grades of one exam. We have something like the SATs, but
4:39 it's not considered um to all universities that we want to apply to. If we want to join one particular university, we normally apply for that particular university. We seat for a test and if we pass, we go to a second, more difficult test and then if we pass again, we get into it. And I was so excited. I was preparing a lot, but the first time I tried, I didn't pass for a point. And it was frustrating. I think I would have preferred not to pass for many, many points, only a small point. But back then, I was still thinking about what I wanted in life. I was not so sure and I didn't even take enough
5:25 time to process that first failure. I was just going with the flow, with the decision I had made when I was 12 that I wouldn't even look at other hobbies I had. I had bigger dreams that I wouldn't even dare to imagine it as a career. And later on, I really learned that most of us don't have the privilege of working with what they love. And most of people who do work with what they love might lose that passion cuz it's heavy. But the moment I didn't pass and I joined a prep course, I saw that life was bigger and I started getting in touch with another part of myself that I didn't
6:11 know I had. Even though many discoveries were being made, I was still feeling behind. I didn't know how many years I would need. I would see my previous classmates already in college, living experiences I was still to have. And I would already feel behind cuz I was not as much um socially experienced as they were. And the thing I had trusted myself to become was not working. I joined college and I was unhappy. I actually got in touch with many other students in my college who were still unhappy and had other dreams. But many of them were much braver than I was. I felt embarrassed to voice it out loud
6:58 that I was unhappy, that I didn't want to be doing what I was doing. So I finished the full course and each time I went there I felt more miserable cuz I hated everything that I was doing and I was still putting the same effort as I used to when I was a kid cuz I thought things would work out. And time and again I failed. I chose a path that wasn't so it wasn't [clears throat] being the best path to choose at the moment cuz of some uh recession my country was facing. So lots of us were unemployed and the fact that I couldn't find a job as fast as other people also got to me. And everything happened a little late in
7:44 life. Joining college happened late, getting my first job happened late, and my first job was actually really unrelated to the area I graduated. Thank God. But it makes you feel some lack of identity. I did not know who I was, and I was experiencing with lots of things. I discovered art as many of us do. I knew things I was passionate about doing, but I did not have enough guts to try, or I was too scared. I had been living as a failure for so long. I would start doing things and then giving up. I would start feeling like a failure without even insisting too long. And then in my personal life, I put
8:33 a lot of my energy into, and I really thought that perhaps that was the one to work. And it also didn't. So, I over over time I had to learn how to be many almost. I almost entered college. I almost was chosen for positions I really wanted. I was almost the one who was chosen to be with the person I love. And to be second place to everything crushed me cuz I would rather have completely failed or just succeeded. And habitating this space of not really failing and not really succeeding felt like utter failure. And it made me feel each time more
9:21 miserable. It welcomed a lot of anxiety, a lot of depression. And I see who experienced this. My life now as a 29-year-old woman or a girl is very different from what I had imagined. In many senses, it's much better. In many others, I feel immense embarrassment. I used to dread that uh 10-year high school reunion. I'm glad we didn't do it. But I was seeing my classmates having families, successful careers, and I was blinded by the fact that I did not see their struggles as well. But I kept thinking about
10:07 the fact that yes, I also struggled, but I didn't have that other part to look at and feel proud. And it took me a lot of years to finally start feeling proud of small accomplishments. And even though I still feel the heaviness of having many almost, I don't know if I know what it's like to finish something and succeed. But I do know what it's like to fail and feel and really taste the defeat and really live in it. I felt the heaviness of having friendships that almost lasted more than 10 years, that almost became something um steadier, of relationships
10:54 that almost became forever. And perhaps all I know well is how to live in the almost. So much I hid because I didn't want people to see me in that position. I was ashamed of sharing, ashamed of letting people know that I felt like a failure and that in my eyes I had already failed. Some weeks ago, I was walking in the street and I passed a very famous restaurant nearby and I saw one of my high school teachers. I remember he had really high expectations of me and the second I saw him, I felt I needed to escape.
11:41 And I was really glad he didn't see me cuz I knew he would probably ask me questions I would be very uncomfortable responding. And even though today I'm I am a little bit more satisfied with what I do, I wouldn't be able to hide my frustrations. And I wouldn't be able to face the fact that their expectations didn't become true and the fact that I would probably disappoint them the way I disappointed myself. I still put a lot of effort in in most things I do, but there came a time in which I thought, "Why? Why should I keep doing it? Is it
12:28 even worth the effort?" And my timeline was not like the average people. I was always behind the curtain watching people achieve things and do stuff that I didn't even dare trying aside from uh my other failures. And I have to handle this as a 29-year-old woman that I am today. When people look at me, they usually think I'm younger physically, but I don't know if they really know the heaviness I feel so much I feel a little bit older. Not as in super experienced, but as in exhausted.
13:13 And as in uh frustrated. I got in touch with lots of people that just like me were doing things because life urged them to. And I guess that's the first big disappointment we have the second we graduate and the second we recognize ourselves as adults. Some of us didn't fulfill their dreams because they were afraid, because they were a bit unlucky, because of trauma, or because they haven't tried enough. And I think my situation is a little bit of everything, especially not being able to handle the frustration and the embarrassment of not being what and who I wanted to.
14:00 Who I am today is not terrible. Who I am today is whatever I could make out of all these situation. >> [snorts] >> And I'm glad. I'm a little proud, too. But the embarrassment never disappeared. And it also ignited my my wishes to become isolated and that's why I remain as I was. I do feel braver now as in being more courageous or bolder because I can share, I can talk about it. And I know I I escaped my teacher, the one who knew my hopeful version, my
14:46 >> [snorts] >> early version. I'm trying to present myself to new people as who I am today as someone new, as someone who is not afraid to admit that they failed, someone who's not afraid to admit that sometimes I don't know what the heck I'm doing. And that I have many many dreams that did not come true. That I gave up some dreams as well. But that somehow I'm still here. I really know there are lots of people feeling the same. I really know there are people who relate, and I also know that there will be people who will downplay and diminish it, saying I haven't even lived.
15:33 I can take that, but I want to speak to you who still feel embarrassed of sharing, and who still feel that you need to justify feeling frustrated. You don't. If you have dreams, if you had things that did not come true, and you feel sad, and you even feel destroyed because of it, that's your right. We we need to feel all that pain in order to reorganize who we are and become a next version that insists more authentically, that connects more authentically, and that remains. Because the second these people who are trashing you are not nearby, the second you turn off your phone, all you're
16:20 going to have is yourself. The second you're rejected, the second people leave, the second you're fired, there's nothing else but you. And I am doing my best to try to respect this version of me who's going to accompany me until my last few moments. And I want you to try to feel proud of that person because whatever you've become is the person who's been carrying you through your hardest days, who's been with you when nobody else was present, who's been with you when you cried too much, and who felt your own tears rolling
17:05 on your own skin. Please try to respect yourself and understand that feeling confused is probably the one thing that we can relate to many other people. We're all confused and trying the ones who are hiding and yes, are the ones who are being the bravest, although it sounds weird. We're hiding because we are are not shying away from the fact that it's heavy and we do not need to hide, even though we tend to see people trying to pretend that they're already 100% healed. It is really nice to take advice and to try to learn from others' mistakes and from others' successes, but you're not
17:52 less because you're still not there. I hope this speaks to you in some level and I hope you can find a little bit of comfort cuz I'm going to try to do the same the second I turn these off.
