This Exercise Will Change How You See Your Mistakes (NLP Demonstration)

0:00 This is Nathaniel Moore. Damon will be joining us here shortly. Uh Damon's going to teach you how to work with mistakes. I don't know about you, but have you ever experienced a mistake that uh creates a response in you later that isn't quite helpful? Damon's going to show you um how to work with the unconscious to organize your mistakes so you get all the wisdom from them and none of the negative responses. So, with that in mind, uh Julie, could we bring up Damon and and Vinnie? Hey guys. >> Hi. Hey. >> So, just so everyone knows, uh, Vinnie has been working with Damon for a little while now. Vinnie's an actual, he's a coach. He has a a gym out in Denver, uh, with a team of 20. He's been using the

0:45 self-concept model and NLP to work with, you know, ordinary folks all the way up to very elite level, uh, UFC fighters. Um, Vinnie, it's great to have you here. >> Yeah, thanks for having me. Super excited to be here. Oh man, it's good good to have you here. And Damon, most of you might know who Damon is. If you don't, [laughter] if you're new, if you're new, he's the co-founder of the self-concept research group. He's trained now thousands of people to use NLP to transform their own lives as well as help others transform their lives as well. Um, if you're new, you're in for a treat. Uh, it was good to see you guys and have some fun. Talk to you soon. >> Well, hey Vinnie. Uh so in all fairness uh some people might be thinking because Nate said that I have been working with

1:31 you. I I had worked with you oneonone for uh in coaching. Um but I uh actually it's been a little while since we talked. So I don't want people to think that like we did some pre- coaching before this demonstration I'm going to do. Uh that's not the case. This demonstration is completely cold. U you know we could say that you you have learned NLP and you've learned uh self-concept. So, you have that in your back pocket, which will more than likely make things easier for me. Uh, because you'll easily, uh, be able to pull up when I'm asking you to pull up, and sometimes it's a little more difficult with people who don't have that background. Uh, but, uh, you've been at this for a little while, and, uh, I've also been watching uh, some of your uh, videos on Instagram and YouTube, and uh, I got to say, you have a really good

2:17 grasp of NLP and the self-concept model. I like hearing you talk because you you you you're able to explain it uh in different words that I would use and it it's also very accurate. So, uh good for you for uh putting in the work and and learning this stuff. I can tell you're very excited about it. >> Yeah, I love it. I love it. I'm getting better and better every day. I find different ways to articulate it. So, thank you for everything you do. >> My pleasure. It's awesome to see someone uh really taking it and and running with it. Okay. So, one thing we did ask you to do is to come up with a mistake that you've made. Uh, and we're going to work with that. And we're not going to work in content. I'm not going to ask you what the mistake was. Uh, now, uh, my wife Julia, who put helps put this

3:03 together, uh, wanted me to ask you to tell us what the mistake was at the end, but I I'm going to leave that up to you. That is not something you you need to do. um I want you to feel like you can explore this without having to tell the world [laughter] the mistake you made. And so it might have been something very minor and not a big deal. And so in that case, if you want to share it, then then fine. But if you'd rather keep it to yourself, that's fine, too. Uh one of the things I want to demonstrate is how effective this work is. And we don't even need to get into content. And that's both that that's a that's a feature and and something uh it's not just like we want to show how cool NLP is because it works. so fast. Uh it's more about understanding that this work does not need to be dragged out. You

3:48 don't have to drag someone through all the content of something uh to make them feel better about it. This is uh very that kind of way of going about things is very similar to cognitive behavioral therapy. It has its uses, but one thing that I found is it only kind of keeps things at bay. Uh it doesn't it takes a lot of effort and uh it doesn't often resolve fully resolve something. What we want to do is we want to fully resolve this. I want you to come to better understandings of uh and insights as to uh why you made the mistake you did and and what you're going to do different going forward. And so by the time we're done, I want this to feel fully resolved uh that um not only is it just like, oh, I've accepted this and I'm moving on, it's like, well, no, I'm actually better off now that I understand what I understand. >> Yes. >> And that's usually the objective with

4:34 NLP. And because we work in structure, we're able to move very fast. So that's also another thing that's uh really nice is you don't have to spend a lot of time working on a problem. We can we can get through this much faster. Um and in fact this what I'm going to do here is so so fast. Um I also brought some other stuff that we can play around with if we have time and I I think we will have time because this is not going to take a lot of time. All right. So you know what that mistake is that you made, right? >> I do. >> Okay. So, uh, I don't want you to to give me content when I ask this question, but, uh, I want you to notice what pops into your mind when I ask you, how do you know you made this mistake? >> Okay. Do you see something?

5:20 >> Yes. >> Okay. That's what I was thinking. So, you see some sort of representation in your mind of having made this mistake, right? >> Yes. >> Okay. Um, so I'm just a little curious here uh about how it's constructed. Um, show me with your hands how big it is. >> Okay. And are you associated or disassociated? >> Uh, dissociated. >> Okay. So, for those out there who may be really new to NLP and don't know what the what that meant when I just asked them, associated is when you see something in your mind as a point of view perspective. And that can be like seeing a screen but still seeing it point of view or it could be where you fully step into the memory and and

6:07 relive it. Those are forms of association. Disassociation means that Vinnie sees himself rather than seeing it as point of view. He sees himself probably making whatever the mistake was. Um so this is really important when it comes to dealing with mistakes. Uh a lot of times when a mistake is really plaguing you, one of the things is probably happening is that you're associating into it and you're reliving it over and over again. And when we do that, we actually not only does it feel bad, we also feel stuck because we are only allowing ourselves the information that we had at the time, which means we just keep repeating the same mistake. And what happens is people ruminate over their mistakes and they go through this over and over again. And I'm I'm one of those people. I'm I'm a ruminator. Um,

6:52 what's probably happening is you're trying to find a solution, but because you can't, you keep reminding yourself, don't do this, don't do this. But as you keep accessing that, you're actually programming yourself to do it again because that's the information you keep feeding your unconscious. All right? So, if he's disassociated, that tells me he has a healthy distance from it. So, it's not it's not going to take him down. Uh, when people associate, that's what we have to be careful of when we're coaches and we ask somebody to elicit or we elicit something negative. if they fully associate into it, a lot of times they could really crash. Now, even if you're disassociated, if he had made that image really big, then he could also crash from it as well. And so, when he showed me with his hands how big it is, it seems a little more manageable. It actually probably is a little too close to you, though. Push it out so that it's at least three foot distance from you.

7:42 >> Does that give you a little more space? >> It does. Yeah. Where I had it before, I was like going in and out of it. Yeah, >> I felt too close. Yeah. >> Yeah. When it gets when we bring images close to us, we have a tendency to associate. So, you want to keep it at at 3 foot distance. Okay. Now, also what I want you to do is just kind of set it aside. We're going to come back to it later and just kind of take a snapshot of what it looks like so you can easily bring it back. But then we do want to set it aside. All right. Now I want you to think of uh a resourceful experience uh a time uh preferably when you made a good decision. The opposite of a mistake, right? You made a good decision because you were coming from a place of resourcefulness. You were accessing your

8:28 internal resources and because of that you made a a good decision. And the more relevant it is to the mistake you made, meaning in terms of like if it was a good decision you made in the same context, that's going to be very useful. Doesn't always work out that way, but if you can find a good decision you made in that same context, a good resourceful choice you made in the same context, that's going to be the ideal example that we're looking for. >> Yeah. >> So, you got one of those? >> Yeah. >> Okay. So, I want you to make it uh 18 in tall and 18 in wide. And also put it at about 3 ft distance from you. Let me know when you have that. >> Okay. >> Okay. Now, again, just kind of freeze it

9:15 there. And sometimes what helps people is to imagine that there's Velcro behind it and that there's a canvas behind it and you're going to right there. So, it just stays. makes it super easy to just leave it there while we go and bring your attention to something else. >> Yeah. >> All right. So, it's there. Now, I want you to come think of another one, another good decision you made because you were resourceful that you were accessing your resources. A resourceful experience and we it's better if it's a decision you made uh because it's similar to the mistake in the sense of it's something you did. It's some choice you made and you were coming from a resourceful place. and let me know when you have that. You got it. Okay. And just like the one that we just did, go ahead and make it 18 in

10:00 tall, 18 inches wide, and give it about 3T distance. And I want you to put it side by side with the other positive good choice you made so that they're stuck together side by side. >> Okay? And when you see them side by side, it's normal to lose some individual detail in uh each one because it's hard to look at two things and be really focused on it, right? That's fine. Just relax that. Allow it to be whatever it is. You you know what's in front of you. That's all you need. You don't have to go through the specific details. All right. Now, what's another good decision you made from a resourceful place? Great if it's in the same context, but you know what?

10:46 Actually, let's do this a little differently. Let's do a good decision you made in a different context. Also, a decision you made because there was a good decision that you made because you were coming from a resourceful place. Let's try a different context. >> I got it. >> Okay. And let's just go ahead and put it underneath one of the others. 18 in tall, 18 in wide, touching at the edges. So now you got three parts that are all touching each other. >> I have a question. sure >> of these examples is it okay if I'm associating >> whatever comes natural for you to give you that sense that this is a resourceful decision that you made >> so sometimes disassociation works really

11:31 well because you can see yourself doing the thing and it you have a more of a sense of assessing it but also associating into it can make it feel more real to you >> uh which can also make it feel uh more compelling so it's whatever works for you whatever makes whatever indicates the resourcefulness us in these situations. >> Okay. [clears throat] Got it. >> All right. Now, we're going to find one more one more good decision that you made based on being resourceful. And it could be in the context, outside the context, just another good decision based on accessing your resources. >> Got it. >> Okay. And we want to arrange it into that missing piece. So now you have kind of a square here. of four examples of

12:18 you making a good decision because you were being resourceful about each one is about uh 18 in apart and 18 inches tall. So that making the whole thing about 3 foot by 3 foot >> and and giving yourself three you see you start to lean back [laughter] >> so give yourself about three foot distance from it so you can see it well. >> Okay. Let me push it out a little. >> Yeah. >> Okay. So, just how does this feel to see four good decisions you made because you were being resourceful? >> Yeah, it feels light. It feels clear. Feels like exchange is there. There's nothing in between. There's nothing in the way. >> Okay. >> Feels like feels like I want to jump

13:04 into that, you know? >> Excellent. Okay. So, now what we want to do is we want to bring back that mistake you made. And I'm going to be pretty loose on my instructions here. Feel free to ask me questions, but I have a feeling that your mind is going to arrange this in a way that's going to work for you really well. And if it doesn't, we'll troubleshoot that. Go ahead and take that snapshot of the mistake that you made. And I want you to put it right in the middle of these four examples of you making good decisions so that it covers the middle corners of each of the four. So, it's right in the middle. And make sure you snap it onto the screen of the four so that it's flush with it. It's not standing out. It's flush.

13:52 And when you can see the entirety of this, so you're seeing four good decisions you made because you were being resourceful and you see this mistake in the middle. >> How does it feel? It feels small. >> Okay. Did Did it actually shrink? >> I I feel like it did. It almost like >> Yeah. >> almost feels like it's disappearing. Okay. >> Okay. So, yeah, I didn't want to give you that instruction. I wanted your mind to make that adjustment. >> So, don't let it disappear, though. We don't want to sort of We're erasing mistakes means that we're likely to do them again if we don't have them, right? >> Yeah. So, I just want you to sit for a

14:37 few moments and take this in where you see the mistake in the middle, but you're giving your attention to everything. You're It's like a collage now. So, you're giving your attention to everything. And I just want you to really open yourself and allow yourself to receive any insights about this whole situation. Yeah. Yeah. There's there's insight as to being able to handle hard things so many

15:25 different ways in which I've handled difficult situations. And this is just another one of those. allow allow those different qualities, different ways in which I handle different situations to just be readily accessible for me in this particular moment that sometimes seems to get the best of me. >> Okay. So, how do you feel about the mistake that you made uh different than what you felt before we did this? It doesn't feel as permanent. Doesn't feel like it's me, like it's my identity. It just feels

16:12 like a moment. >> Good. Good. And now that it feels like it's just a moment, how do you think that will affect you going forward? >> I think it will give me choice to handle the next moment differently. Whatever Whatever version of these four or maybe a small combination of all of it, it just it just gives me choice. >> Okay, good. Choice is better than no choice, right? Uh do you like it this way? >> Yeah. >> Okay. Is there any part of you that resists or objects to allowing this to stay this way? So, anytime you think about this mistake, it's always in the context of these four other good choices you made.

16:58 Yeah. I love [snorts] it because it makes them so much more accessible. They're so close. Doesn't feel so far away from me. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. So, let's see what it feels like to go back to the way it was. So, remove the four and just bring back the mistake at the same size as it was before and compare that feeling. [laughter] I can already tell you don't like it. I would much rather have it be four. >> Yeah. Okay. So, bring back the four and snap it back like you had it before. >> Okay. >> Thank you. >> So, you could I could already see you were becoming less resourceful like and that's what's happening for most of us. Yeah. We're we're stuck in a mistake and we don't have we don't have a sense of

17:44 more options and that's not healthy. >> Yeah. I immediately felt the tension and of feeling stuck like >> tight. I got smaller. It felt like I got smaller. >> Yeah. Now, you could have spent months in therapy and going through the mistake and trying to accept it uh and trying to feel better about it and trying to, you know, talk about different ways that you can make sure that you avoid making that mistake again. Or we can just take four good decisions you made that were very resourceful and then snap them all together and then here we are. I mean, this is the the both the power and the speed of NLP. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Okay. Now, just because my wife wanted me to check in, do you want to divulge what the mistake was? And if you

18:30 don't, it's perfectly okay. >> Sure. Uh, I I could tell you. I feel like a real jerk saying it out loud, but [cough] >> Well, [clears throat] you don't have to if you don't want to. >> So, so, so my daughter really freaks out when her hair is being done. like freaks out to a place of where it's it's unhealthy for the entire household. Everybody is like way up here and she's screaming and she's, you know, and but the mistake was I thought if I got bigger, it would like help her calm down, which has has worked for me in the past. So I I chose to like, hey, stop it, you know, like get loud, get bigger. But then she followed me there and it and it it just started to get

19:18 bigger and bigger and I I just I wasn't in love with how I handled that. >> Okay. >> Two of the of the four were moments in which I handled that moment completely differently. >> I see. Okay. Okay. So, having all four of those good decisions that you made from a resourceful place, how do you think if you had to experience that again, how do you think you would you would handle it? uh full of patience understanding and almost like a knowing what's on the back end of it like it's only a short moment, you know? >> Mhm. And and so it feels like patient,

20:05 understanding, and like certain and I know we can't be certain of like anything outside of ourselves, but certain that this moment's about to be over anyways. So I I don't have to Yeah. Two very prevalent ones is patient and understanding and and loving and loving if I'm >> good. Okay. So now we got a beautiful resource loving. >> Yeah. Uh you also did something um if some of you uh self-concept people or scoping category people might have caught very it happened very fast. It was very subtle. You widen the scope in time. >> Yeah. >> And you realize, wait a minute, this is just a moment. But if you shrink your reality down to that one moment, it feels like a big deal. It feels like forever. But you expanded the scope in

20:50 time. You widen the scope in time. >> Yeah. >> And you realize, wait a minute, this is just a moment. I I can I can be patient now. Yeah. >> Yeah. So, patience and love, >> beautiful resources, >> especially when dealing with your daughter. >> I know. >> And and yeah, not to get too deep into it, but like the bigness was an attempt at love. It was just a bad one. It was just a bad strategy. >> Yeah. >> Bigger. Yeah. Yeah. And and and that's what most mistakes come down to that we don't have negative intentions really. Um we just have bad strategies. >> Yeah. >> Bad strategies.

21:35 >> Uh and then so like I expected we we finished really early. So uh is there another mistake you would like to explore? And again you don't have to say what it is. We can work only in structure. Don't make it a level 10 either. um which uh something recent is good and something uh mid-range so that it uh you know I don't want to go into like fullon yeah I don't want you to melt down not that you would but uh we don't we want to keep it um somewhere in the middle >> yep got one >> okay so as I mentioned before uh about widening the scope and time uh this is the kind of thing that I want to play around with a little bit more and also

22:21 association and disassociation So, uh there are other tools out there that we can uh play with to uh learn from our mistakes and make sure that we do something different in the future. So, um with this one as as you're accessing it and so I don't I don't have to say how do you know because I can see your eyes are already locking on it. Uh are you associated or disassociated? >> I am associated. >> Okay. I had a feeling. >> Yeah. >> Um okay. Okay, so you know what this feels like already because you're already associated. So I want you to disassociate and so you can see yourself now. And what's what feels different when you disassociate?

23:07 >> The intensity drastically decreases when I disassociate. >> Yeah. Do you feel like you have more options now or fewer options? >> I feel like I have more options. >> Yeah. So, this is a a great place to start when you're dealing with a mistake. Most of the time, if there's a mistake that's really troubling us, or even it doesn't even have to be a mistake, it can just be a memory. It could even be something that hasn't happened. If we just start thinking about it, uh it can trouble us a lot. And often times, we're associated. That's why it it troubles us so much. And so, if we just take that first step and disassociate so that we see ourselves now, now that kind of it opens up some space. We're not we don't feel stuck. We have some uh breathing room. uh we can access resources now it's not so intense like you said it's not the

23:52 intensity goes down right >> all right so when we make a mistake we can actually narrow it down to just one moment it's always you know a mistake is always based on one choice that happens in an instant right you either do it or you don't there's a threshold of uh either in your mind you made the choice and then you did it or the action to follow through with it okay so how long what you're looking at right Now, how long uh in in time is this mistake? Are you are you just seeing a moment? Are you seeing more than a moment, like an hour, two hours, a full day? What what are you accessing immediately right now? >> A 15minute fight. >> Oh, a 15-minute fight. Okay. So, let's let's have a little fun with this. I want you to narrow it down to the single

24:40 mistake that was made in the fight. So, we're we're narrowing it down to just a moment. Okay. >> And and just out of curiosity, how does that feel to narrow it down to a moment like that? >> Um, similar. >> Okay. >> Yeah, it probably doesn't feel that good because that's all you're that's all you're accessing. This can be useful, though. This is our ability to zero in and pinpoint, okay, what was the the main problem? And so, this makes it a little bit easier to correct it later. But if we stay here, this is not going to help you because you're going to feel kind of like stuck in this. Okay. So, let's zoom out again to that 15 minutes. And it's going to give you I can already see you're kind of loosening up a little

25:26 bit. >> Okay. Now, let's open the time frame to a full hour. So, that could be 30 minutes leading up to the fight, the 15 minutes of the fight, maybe 15 minutes after the fight. And so, what happens when you open this up for to an hour? the feeling of I messed up dissipates because there's me showing up how I want to show up immediately after and before. >> Okay. So, another thing I want to point out to those of you who are kind of NLP geeks like me, uh, what I'm doing here is widening the scope in time, but inevitably we're probably also widening

26:13 in space, too. He's getting more information about what's going on. But if we wanted to really hone in on the space factor, um, keeping, uh, let's go back to the 15 minutes, the original uh, way that it was. So, 15 minute time frame. Show me with your hands how big it is. The image. Okay. And in that image, show me about how big you are inside that image that you're seeing. >> Okay. So now, you don't have to make the picture bigger. If it helps you, then go ahead and do it. But I want you to zoom out more. So now I'm assuming this is a fight in the ring. Is it? Yeah. >> In the cage. >> So now in the cage. So now you're seeing more of the crowd. You're seeing more of

27:00 the stadium. >> So now we're we're widening the scope in space. Okay. So you're actually going to get smaller. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. So how does this affect the way that you feel about it? Uh it really it really affects it in a big way. Um that I feel completely a large amount of distance from the emotional disruption like the panic. >> Okay. >> It's it's Yeah, [laughter] >> that's crazy. That's crazy. I've never done that one before. Space. >> Let's uh let's get let's go extreme with this. Seems like you're responding to it very well. >> I want you you to imagine you're on the

27:47 top of a building looking through one of those telescopes and seeing a bird's eye view of the cage match from the top and you can see your little tiny speck and that's you. Okay. >> How do you feel now? How do you feel? >> I feel pretty good. >> [laughter] >> But it the the the smallalness of the moment is very prevalent from this from this perspective. >> Yeah. >> Okay. In terms of the scope of this space, what do you think is going to be most useful to you? So, we don't want to make it so insignificant that you forget

28:33 about it. All mistakes are opportunities to learn. Um, but you know, you don't need your face shut in this either. So, uh, in terms of space, what would be the ideal scope, the optimal scope for you to sort of know what happened, be able to learn from it, but also for it not to trouble you? >> Yeah, I think like six to 10 feet away from it. So I can see and hear clear enough to know the adjustments that I want to make moving forward. I think >> I think that gives me the the perspective I'd like. >> Good. Nice. All right. Let's go back to playing with time a little bit more. So

29:19 we had gone out to an hour. Now I want you to go out to two hours. And you can decide how much you want to pull that open into the past before I mean before the fight and after the fight. You you make that choice. But give yourself two hours. of this whole thing. >> Yeah. There's there's there's even more evidence of resourcefulness. >> Okay. Good. >> All right. Now, I want you to go to the entire day, the 24 hours surrounding this that one moment, that one that 15-minute fight. Give yourself 24 hours. you know what was leading up to it, what came after it.

30:09 Now, it's not to say that just continuing to widen this makes it better. It doesn't necessarily. Uh it really depends on your experience. So, what are you experiencing here at at 24 hours? >> It starts to go down. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. So if we widen the scope of time enough or are in space, it will start to cease to be this experience at all because that's how we create experiences. We have a mark in, we have a mark out, and that whatever time frame we're we're narrowing it to tells us how to feel about it. And so if we widen that enough, it will enough information will start to come in that it'll sort of flood it and it won't be that experience anymore. So after having played with this for a while and before we were calling this a mistake. So how would you

30:57 like to feel about this and what kind of meaning would you like to take away from this experience >> from the mistake? >> Yeah. I would like for it to be a benchmarker for when I decided to to coach differently, to coach more patiently, more calm. >> So, this is a turning point in your coaching. >> It was I've had a fight since then and yeah, I I Yeah, the Yeah. When when you look at this moment, I want it to be the moment in which I turn the corner as a coach.

31:44 >> Okay. So, let's try it this way. Your unconscious is actually really wise and it has been watching this whole time and you've been showing it different ways that you could arrange the structure of this to and it feels you've recognized how different it feels when you change the structure of it. So, let's try this first. uh knowing how you want to feel about this, ask your unconscious to make the scope adjustments in time and space so that it creates that for you. That when those adjustments are made, that is the feeling you're taking away from this. It would be duration and time and it also be in space. How much space do you

32:29 need here? And how much time do you need here to take away that meaning that this was a true turning point in your coaching? >> Yeah. >> Okay. And just out of curiosity, what are those adjustments? What how much time and how much space and uh are you giving yourself? >> So the time went all the way down to the one minute in between the round. >> Really? >> Yeah. Okay. >> And and the the space was that 6 to 10 foot space um that that we had discussed earlier. That was the perfect space. Uh

33:16 yeah, the the time because when I open up the time fart, I could see evidence of me being exactly who I want to be. It was that moment, that minute. It was the minute in which I kind of unraveled for a moment and I I wanted to pay close enough attention to that minute from a far enough distance to be able to future pace new behavior. >> Okay. And I'm glad you said that future pace new behavior. Do you already have in mind how you would have liked to have done this differently? >> Yes. >> Okay. Do you have a movie of that? >> I do. >> Okay. And are you disassociated or associated into that movie the way that you want to do it differently?

34:02 >> I'm I'm disassociated. >> Okay, good. So, what I want you to see now, I want you to rehearse this. You see the actual and then you see yourself morph into how you wish you had handled it. And so, it goes from one movie to the next. And so, I want you to rehearse that seven times. You see the way you did it and you see it morph into the way you want to do it. >> Do that seven times and only morph in one direction. Don't reverse. >> Yeah.

34:54 Got it. >> Okay, now I want you to clear your mind. Um, ask you a simple stupid question. What did you have for breakfast? >> Protein shake. >> Okay, now I want you to just think about that mistake you made. [laughter] >> It's kind of hard. I can't I can't see it. >> Did it Did it morph into what you want it to do? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Okay. So anytime you think about that mistake, it's going to immediately morph into how you want to handle it. And so that's what you're going to reference. And this is going to become more powerful when this goes into your unconscious. Whenever slips out of your consciousness, I don't want you to rehearse this anymore. And it'll just happen naturally. >> Wow. >> Okay. Any objections or resistance to

35:39 this change? >> No. None. Absolutely not. >> All right. Okay. Well, I'm glad I brought those that extra thing that [laughter] because this is happened so fast. >> That was fantastic. Yeah. >> Good. >> Thank you. >> You're welcome. Uh thank you again for volunteering. It's always good to see you, Vinnie. Um I I really enjoyed the coaching that we did and I'm I will come and visit you because uh periodically I make trips to border uh Boulder to see the Andreases. So I'll fly into Denver and I'll we'll make it a point to hang out. >> Please do. I would love to host you guys dinner, whatever, workout. Maybe we can grapple because I know you like >> I've been uh I've been on a bit of a streak uh in my grappling. So, yeah, I would love to. >> I know. I know you got your new fitness

36:24 regimen going for you. I like >> Yeah. How did you hear about that? >> Uh a few different ways. I saw an interview with you and your coach. >> Oh, you saw that? Okay. >> Yeah. I I saw a bunch of stuff to know what you've been doing over the last little bit of time from a fitness. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. All right. I didn't I wasn't aware, but yeah, every once in a while somebody references that was like, "Oh, yeah, I did that thing." Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Cool. Well, awesome to see you and I look forward to meeting you in Denver. >> Thanks very much. >> Or if you ever come to Santa Cruz or California. >> Absolutely. I will be I will hit you up. Thanks again, guys. This is great. >> Yeah, definitely. >> See you. See you. >> Oh. All right. Well, what did you all think of that? Huh? Did you find that um

37:10 helpful? And so let's take a couple minutes and see if we have any questions. And if you have questions, I want to encourage you to place them right right here in the chat. Let's see here. Everyone's just stunned. Damian, [laughter] [gasps] we'll give him give him give him another moment or two. Um >> is there anything else um any any other lessons around that that you think are worth sharing around what you did today? >> Uh just that you know it doesn't have to be complicated. Uh it can be be very

37:57 very simple. It's just about understanding how we create these internal representations and that uh is really your reality. You know, we like to think that the world around us is our reality, but no, it's what's happening inside of you. And once you start to bring that into your awareness and then you can start understanding um how to really change the perspective. I mean, that's what this is called is perspective patterns. So, if you're only fixating on a on a mistake, that's going to make you really feel really bad about yourself. Uh and that's not useful at all. um you know and I I was uh raised Catholic and so there is that sort of uh built-in instinct for me to to punish myself for mistakes and I used to do that all the time and then you get to a point where you go this is not helping me it's not useful it's not helping anyone else around me so we can go in

38:44 there we can change these things uh just by using structure so we don't have to like rub our faces in the mistake and try to justify it and accept it and go through these stages of you know all that it's like no no just put the information in perspect perspective and it changes everything and and then from there you just you're just going to make better decisions because now you you have better perspective. That's how it all works. So it's very simple and it's very fast. Um and that's uh pretty much what NLP is all about which is why I love it. >> See we have a question coming up here. Would you do anything differently if the mistake was life-changing and made something some uh made someone regret it for years or decades? Yeah, I mean if there's uh if regret is a strong uh factor in it, then the first

39:31 thing that I want to do is understand what value or values they violated. And when you experience regret, that's an indication that you violated one or more of your values. The stronger the regret, the stronger the value was that you violated and vice versa. So um when we know that then we can that will give us a direction about what you could have done differently. you know your values always tell you the direction of where do you want to go so you can align your behavior to that. The other piece to this which is just absolutely brilliant that Steve Andreas came up with is that when you can understand you can acknowledge that you regret something and you elicit the value that you violated that feeling of regret is an indication

40:17 is an indication of your commitment to that value. So you can feel good about feeling bad. [laughter] So it's this incredible reframe, but it's so true when you know like let's say um you know I the mistake that I made. I violated uh the value of kindness. I value kindness and I goofed up. I was mean to someone. Feeling bad about that is indication of my commitment to kindness. And so it it's kind of weird. It kind of cancels it out, you know. And then I can then from there think about what could I have done that would have been kind. Okay. And if it's a mistake I made with someone who you know I was rude to and I I still know that person. One way to absolve myself of it would be to go and make it right with that person and go maybe tell them I'm sorry. And if that

41:05 person is not somebody who I know and can go and do that, maybe it was a stranger. then I can give myself uh something to do like why don't I just go be nice to a stranger out of nowhere just be kind to a stranger and you know that's a that's my way of uh making that writing that wrong [clears throat] >> so there's ways that we can do this so when there's regret involved yes I I take some extra steps there >> thank you that's so cool would you also do the change into something differently in the end >> yeah so this is something that I often need for myself not everybody uh does need it But uh in general if there's what we call a counter example you know something that uh I did that was counter to my values in some way >> then I want to first understand what was

41:50 my positive intention you know what was I trying to do uh which may be different than um than what happened or what value I violated so they can be the same or they can be different and so from there because what a lot of our mistakes are not just about guilt they're also about unfulfilled positive intentions unfulfilled values that we trying to do. So like maybe I was in a situation and I wanted I started annoying people because I wanted their attention. And that doesn't sound uh very good to do. But if I go deeper, the value was probably not about attention. It was actually I wanted love. And it it might seem strange, but that's often what trying to get attention is about. So attention was more my strategy. Love was what I was really trying to fulfill, but what I ended up doing was annoying people,

42:36 which was not kind. So I might have violated my value of kindness and my uh desire to fulfill love also went unfulfilled. So these are all factors I want to consider. And so then I asked myself okay well what was a resource or resources that I could have accessed within myself that had I been accessing those resources I would have chosen a different strategy. I would have known better. So when love is the intention it's also often the resource that's missing. We don't really go after love unless we're not accessing our own love. So I might say, all right, knowing what I know now, my positive intention here was love. So I want to align myself to that. Uh, one of my missing resources was kindness, and that's why I violated. And another missing resource was love. That's why I was seeking it. So then I

43:22 would say to myself, okay, what would it have looked like had I aligned myself with love and access love and kindness from within? And I let my mind show me what that movie would have looked like. And then once I see that movie and if I like that, then I'm gonna say, "Yes, this is this is what how I wish I had handled this and this is how I want to handle any similar situation in the future." And so I want to really tune that movie up, make it very compelling, make sure you're disassociated because that's going to make you very motivated to move toward that. And then I will deemphasize the mistake that I made and attach it to the new movie. So, if my mind ever falls in this new movie ever again, it'll be immediately compelled by the new movie that has resources and tells me exactly how to go and deal with this or what I want to do in this situation. Now, I did something slightly

44:08 different with Vinnie is just a little fun and I know uh he's he's got a he visualizes very well. So, I thought maybe we'll try the morphing, which is another technique where you morph the mistake into the the thing you wish you had done. Um, so that's another way of doing the same thing. Great. Um, when when when working with mistakes, would it be helpful to disassociate and change the event or the outcome? >> Well, you always want to disassociate because it just makes it so much easier uh to work with. Um, I always want to leave a version of what actually happened because we're not trying we don't want to try to erase mistakes. We don't want to try to try to pretend like something different happened. And there's a many good reasons uh why. One of them just being if you had that

44:53 experience with someone else and you tried to wipe it out of your memory and then that person says, "Hey, remember that time?" And you'd be like, "No, no, that's not what I did. I did this other." And it's like, "No, we're we're not practicing delusion here. That's not going to help you." And like I mentioned to Vinnie, if you erase try to delete or erase a mistake, then you're doomed to repeat it again, right? So, we don't want to do that either. Um, and then there's some other issues that can come about where uh it can create start to create self-importance and narcissism if we try to delete all of our mistakes. So, I don't want to do that. I do want to create though an alternate version if what it would have been like had I been accessing the right resources and fulfilling my intentions. I want to see that version. And so, what this does is it gives us an it gives us an alternate. It gives us an option. Uh part of the

45:39 problem is especially like when we're raising kids is we will tell our kids a lot of what not to do without giving them options without telling them what were some other possibilities of things you could do. So you say don't spill the milk and what the only thing the kid has in their mind is an image of them spilling the milk. And so consciously they're like don't do that but your unconscious which is stronger just saw you rehearse it. And so the then the kid knocks over the milk but by accident he didn't mean to. Right. So like uh especially when I was dealing with my son. Uh he misbehaved a lot in class. He's got mild autism and some other issues uh uh ADHD and all that. And so he would misbehave often, nothing major. Um and then after school I would talk to him and I would say, "Okay, so what

46:25 happened?" And we would talk it out. I would ask him, "Well, what what uh" because he was obviously not feeling good about it. So I say, "Well, what about this makes you feel bad?" So, I'm trying to elicit the value that he violated. And then I would say, okay, so you you would have wanted to do this instead or meaning more focused on the value. And he would say, yes. And then I would say, well, what's something you could have done that would have fulfilled that? And then he would think of something. And then I would say, well, what's another thing? And then he would think of another thing. And I'd say, well, one more. Let's think of one more thing. And so, what was I helping him do? I was helping him create other options so that if he finds himself in that situation, if he doesn't have those options, he's just going to follow the path of doing the same mistake again. Um, and uh, to not do that, he would have to really resist himself, but still not have other options. So, I'm using this in the context of my son, but I do this on myself. I do this with my clients. We got to give ourselves

47:10 options. If you just tell yourself, don't do that mistake again, you're fixating on the mistake, and you're more likely to do that again. You need other options. >> Someone's asking if you can clarify what resources are. >> Yeah. Uh there's a also uh I think there was even another the very first question I think we still missed. >> So okay can I clarify what resources are? Uh resources now I talk a lot about values. Um you know values are things like happiness joy determination persistence, uh sense of humor, love, passion. Um and these are all resources.

47:55 These are things that we're born with. They're uh the potent they're in potential form when we're born and we can cultivate them. So for example, uh you have a sense of playfulness. You're born with that. You have a sense of love. You're born with that. Uh you have a sense of uh freedom of choice that you have choices. You're able to acknowledge that. That's a resource as well. Uh so they sh they often share the same resources share the same names as values. they exist inside you. Okay? Uh when we're not accessing our resources, then uh that's when we tend to make mistakes. And so why would we not be accessing resources? What holds us back from accessing our resources? When we narrow our perspective, things like

48:41 anger, fear, these are a narrowing of our perspective. And so when that happens, we tend to be less resourceful. So when we're relaxed but engaged, that's when we tend to be most resourceful. So what would be a state of resourcelessness where you're not accessing any resources? That's what we call panic. And this is why they say don't panic uh when you're in a crisis. Why? Because you have zero resources and you're just running around and nothing good is happening. And how I know this is I actually did an experiment with myself where I one by one started cloaking all of my resources because I wanted to experience you know what is a resourceless state and I started to panic. I was actually inducing panic in myself and so I had to stop. Right. I want to go full on to panic. Now, if what is the opposite extreme? What would

49:27 be a state of total resourcefulness? And that doesn't mean that you're accessing all of your resources all at once. That would probably not be possible. But what would be a state where as you needed a resource, it was available to you almost like like instantaneously? That's what we call flow. So flow would be the ultimate resourceful state. You're not having to go look for resources. You're not having to work through anger and frustration and and narrowed perspective to get those resources. Your perspective is so open that as you're playing that musical instrument or talking or singing or whatever it is you're doing, you go into a flow state because your resources are just ready there for you as you need them. >> And someone is asking, do you use a

50:13 swish pattern at all? Uh, from time to time I often will use pieces of a switch pattern, like doing that morphing was very similar to a switch pattern. Um, it's rare that I just do a full-on switch pattern unless someone is really dealing with like a bad habit. And sure, we'll go at it that way. But what I often use a lot is what the principles of the switch pattern are based on. Makes sense. Look at this. What do we have here? So, this has been so enlightening and the new new tools I learned will no doubt propel me so much farther in my trajectory. I'm so inspired to do NLP. I'm getting it now in much a clearer way. That's great. That's what >> that's what it's all about. >> Well, good. Any other questions, team? What do you think?

50:59 Any other notes? Any other takeaways you want to share? Wow. >> Well, Damon, um it was great, you know, great to see you do your work today with Vinnie. Um I I can tell by the notes uh and the in the conversation in the chat that a lot of people are getting a ton of value from it. Um for those of you that are watching this, if you've been wanting to work with Damon or one of the the coaches that he's trained 101, I want to encourage you to check out the links below. Um, and on that note, Damon, is there anything else that you wanted to mention before we wrapped up today? >> Uh, if you like this stuff, get to practicing. And, um, there's no better place to practice, uh, than our ultimate

51:47 practitioner training as far as, uh, learning NLP. Uh, somebody recently asked me in one of my videos, can you recommend uh, a thorough NLP practitioner training? And I'm like, you got to be [laughter] kidding me. I the reason why I made the ultimate NLP practitioner training and called it the ultimate NLP practitioner training is because I was frustrated by previous practitioner trainings I'd gone to which were not as thorough as they should have been and u what you'll see a lot is practitioner trainings are you know they shrunk down so much in the early days of NLP they were 30 days long and the technology was much smaller so uh the ultimate practitioner training is based on a 24-day training it's the most thorough practitioner training I could find. It's based on Steven Connie Ray's

52:32 Andreas's um their own practitioner manual. And to me, they are the gold standard in NLP. Um and then if you really want to get into the self-concept work, which to me is the most important, the best stuff in the world because what could be more important than what's important to you and creating that your the life that you want to live by becoming that person. So if you're into the self-concept work, then uh it does not help you to wait. get started. Um, the sooner you start having transformations and the sooner you start implementing NLP, the better your life's going to be.