Full transcript of “Top 10 FUNNIEST Stories from Series 14 | Would I Lie To You?”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 because my dog hates loud noises so much I always put ear muffs on him before we pull our Christmas crackers please to right what type of dog do you have I have a British Bulldog the dog don't mind having e on his is not at all how old is your dog he's two if I've got a new dog and and we're having Christmas dinner and he don't like the bank I'll put him in another room so why am I going to put in all the effort to kind of teach him to put these ear muffs on why would you like I don't think did you say teach him to put the ear muffs on I don't think she suggested go o bons we're about to pull again stick them on okay right right
0:47 okay this is Gen you have a new puppy Am I Wrong well yes a fairly new puppy yes would you if it was frightened of something and it needed you would you put it in another room we had a dog that was very fright of um Fireworks sold [Applause] it did you I don't know if you got got advice from a vet or something about what to do or we were given the name of this dog specialist who could help with anxiety what was his qualifications I I didn't read his qualifications I supect he might have been a market Trader that also sold emo no they were my a offs they didn't mean to give me a offs okay so what are you going to say well I'm kind of neutral about it cuz I can understand why you might do something
1:33 like that who wasn't wanting to dress up a dog so I believe adorable she might she might put some clothes on it have you dressed up your puppy is that euphemism I've had a shower if that's what you're asking so what are we going to say so Joe says it's a lie you think it's a lie it's too much hustle lie I think it it's got to be a li lie to be it so you're saying it's a lie okay Ruth was it the truth or were you telling a lie you all look like idiots because it was a lie oh I once failed an acting exam after my plan to impress the teacher backfired right least team okay right what age was this 18 so you're doing
2:21 your a level for drama theater studies theater studies and what was your plan the plan was I needed to cry during a monologue and I was doing a Dublin accent oh give us a little blast oh no because your parents are Irish they're not from Dublin I've met her family I met her sister I'm introduced her to my wife Tara and I said this is Tara um who's very beautiful ridiculously beautiful yes it doesn't seem right does it I'll tell you I'll tell you how unright it seems she went oh did you did you meet after he was like sort of a wellknown comedian and she went no before which is true we met before I I did comedy and she went oh did he save your life or [Laughter] something that was
3:07 unbelievable I didn't even know five minutes okay so this was a sad monologue sad monologue and I a woman she's leaving a pram at the airport and I needed to cry and I needed the grade for my uni application I needed to pass theater studies my plan was to use an onion to make myself cry so that I really you know like Oscar bait get the exam intended to do the monolog and they start cutting no I I went had onion in my pocket with like an entry area so I could stick my hands in so I touched my eyes without him seeing that you put your hand just sort of I was doing my ACT I was like I love a s life and M circus and I was just touching my eyes good accent that was the accent was it that was the accent very good thanks Rob and so I do that and then I touch my eyes and then I thought oh actually it's
3:54 quite a bit longer to go on this bit and obviously so I'm not meant to put the tears bit yet and then obviously my eye starts going and I'm just like trying to keep it together cuz I'm not meant to be crying yet and then I have to get the pram to bring it off the stage but I can't see and I finished the monologue like that and uh and I have to just walk off did he find out the teacher oh yeah she came up she came up to me show up and she went onion what are you thinking then Maya I don't know I think dedication to the cause but onions are that shape aren't they so you'd see a little bulge in whatever jacket and stuff that you had on I don't think she would do it I think it's someone might have done it but I don't I don't think you don't think it's true okay well I'm going to say then it's a lie you saying it's a lie right roshi truth or lie it
4:43 is [Music] true I once got the giggles on the one show when I accidentally destroyed a Priceless historical artifact pleas to what was the Priceless historical artifact it was a letter which letter there 26 to choose from a Written Letter uh so who was the letter to him from to um some soldiers from King George how did you destroy it so um I was going through a little phase where was it that phase but it wasn't that phase um it was
5:29 a phase is where I was drinking green tea so I had a pint of green tea a pint a pint proper old school Welsh doesn't matter what it is it has to be in a paint where were you hiding it on the set it was rehearsal yeah so no need to hide well whoa whoa whoa whoa I've seen the one show and you rehearse that I ha so basically the pint of green tea spilt all over the letter and because obviously letters back in the day were written by you know quills and ink the green tea fell on the letter and all the writing fell off and fell off
6:16 the writing fell off well it slipped off it slipped off it didn't slip off well it did so what happened then um so the the people from the museum who' brought in the artifact the glove wearers they start basically crying because they cried yeah cuz it's a Priceless letter they were getting angry and the more angry they got the funnier I thought it was you laughed well I've got that thing you know when things happen I mean I find it really funny you know when you're not supposed to laugh I think there's a name for it it's called something sh insensitivity all right what do we think I think it's an out out line I don't think you'd laugh and if letters fell
7:02 off a page I think you were just fantasizing over Harry Potter Anna what about you I'm going to say it's a lie I I think it's true because I think she screams in competence I've go with my team and say okay so Alex they've said it's a lie was it the truth or was it a lie it's in fact true yes it's true true I once watched a sad film immediately before breaking up with a boyfriend so I could generate enough tears to mask my indifference right wow Le team when was this this was about 12 years ago right so the obvious question to ask is what was the name of the
7:51 boyfriend Jan Jan j n j n do you mean Jan as in Yan cuz he was Scandinavian no do you mean no as in n o it was a nickname yeah for January oh his name was January now it makes sense what was his surname Warren January Warren how did you meet January Warren a calendar fair or something yes I how long have you been seeing each other four months and what was the film you chose to watch beaches bad at the end I don't think I've ever seen beaches Midler bet Midler B Midler say B Midler one more time B Midler I remember it now the wind
8:39 beneath my wings that's where that song is from did you ever know that you're my he you're everything I would like to be I feel like I should press a button to close the curtains at the creme at this moment Sarah I'm going to be January Warren we're going to recreate it okay okay you ready yeah hey Sarah how you doing honey I just got to tell you I've never been as happy in a relationship as I am as a as I am with you honey you look a little upset what's the matter sweetie honey something wrong you want
9:25 some fun time make it right [Laughter] I'm not happy you've been watching beaches again right it sounds like i' been watching the muffet I don't know if I'm upset about the film or your American accent but I can't spend any more time with you Jan you know you know what I uh I I'm turning into fuzzy bear um let me ask you this did you watch beaches with him yeah yeah yeah you sat with him to watch it and the plan was always to finish by the end of the film
10:12 I thought I know I'll cry if I watch beaches and that he would be like less angry because I was already crying so how did January react he was sad well he'd be watching beaches as well he's in a terrible mood he um he was sad but he told me that he understood what do you think Kate I think that I would choose beaches to make me cry I think that's I think it's a really sad film Ed what are you thinking I think it's true I the 100% true I'm going to go 70% lie right well I'm going to commit even further I'm going to say 50% true it's a lie it's a lie of course it's a lie okay Sarah truth or lie
11:03 alive I once helped Damon Hill to gr pre success by presenting him with a pre-race snack David's team well it certainly tripped off the tongue thank you um what was the snack a scotch egg and is there a definite correlation between him eating that Scotch egg and him being successful he um felt that the Scotch egg had helped him succeed in the race he told me so is Damon Hill a close friend Bob no no then why were you giving him food
11:49 stuff well I've been invited to the Grand Prix which Grand Prix the British in in in which year think 1996 David but I'm not willing to exclude four years either side of that put this way it was definitely one of the decades and do you like racing then no I'm not a a Formula 1 fan right I probably uh prefer soil science okay who was he driving for he was driving for one a company um that had very fast company
12:37 cars so why were you permitted access to a major racing driver because his manager yeah yeah Shane tobacco I can't remember his name can't remember his name Shane uh oh whoever it was it was also with another blog you know benefiting from Hospitality what was his name let's say top heavy Ken right but I remember we went upstairs on the bus Damon was there you had a bed in there like a sort of win Bago yeah and it had you know mugs with I love cars I love I love hand breaks I love headrests and this is the day of the race David this is just like an hour and a half
13:23 before the race an hour and a half before the race you've turned up an hour and a half early cuz even though you're more into soil science you want to soak up the atmosphere with a good hour and a half of waiting before the televised traffic begins yes so you turn up the last thing Damon needs before a races any quiet time he just wants a bit of hubub on his bus were there any other people there apart from you and Shane and Damon I was with my wife as well yeah okay and um top heavy can so me and the wife went up I think when you go to someone's home other Winnie bag or whatever you should do you know like if you're going to a dinner party at someone's house you'll always take them a bottle of vinegar yeah so your gift to thank him for the
14:09 hospitality was a scotch egg no I call it pocket meat whenever I'm out away whenever I'm away from the house I have pocket meat yeah AB I have like a chicken leg or pork pie and I thought I've got some pocket meat it was a scotch egg in its cellophane and I said Damon we all know that um if you pop a sausage roll in an American's pocket it brings him good luck so maybe a scotch egg would work for a British fellow like you is and I gave it to him is that a thing yeah very much but that if you put meat in it in an American pocket process have you ever heard of that not not really no no it's all been a bit of a lot of talking I I've quite forgotten the
14:57 original bit of the story did did he eat said Scotch egg Before the Race I I'll never know Samantha but after the race he said that he took the Scotch egg round with him he sided in the I don't know whether he put it in the glove box on the passenger seat ate but Rob you're not claiming that he ate the egg all I say is is that when I was watching when when Damon went past in his Tailwind a person next to me said Damon's Tailwind smelt really meie which of which of course is meat and egg meat megie so what what are we thinking Sam you know what sometimes stories are so mad that they've got to be true what I would say here is be wary when it comes
15:43 to Bob oh okay do you remember David that I think it was the last time Bob was with us he told us Chris Ria told him to put an egg into his bath I can't even remember was that true no but you believed it was true yes miles what are you thinking well I'm I think that you're sort of somewhat cynically using this as an opportunity to tout your kind of charms and you're hoping to kind of drum up work and then your agent's going to get lots of phone calls saying or would Bob Mortimer be able to sort of slip Gareth Bale a pasty and stuff like this I think it's a lie you think it's a lie but you think it's true I'm on the fence oh dear this is a horrible situation I don't know my instinct is it's a lie you're saying lie okay Bob Mortimer uh lucky Scotch egg for Damon
16:31 Hill at the British gone Prix truth or lie I was telling the truth he's done it again it is an impossible situation one things true the other EG how can I disbel the wrong egg thing so obviously what they make up some random thing about an egg and a long departed 90s celebrity is he dead he's not no he's not dead he's just you never he from him what does Damon Hill do now he's probably into soil science every morning I wash my face with sparkling water oh right David's
17:17 team what brand of sparkling water to be honest I don't actually have a brand I have the machine at home the the bubbl machine like a soda stream soda streamers right so do you have this machine in the bathroom no my routine is I wake up put my little under eye masks on go down to the kitchen bubble my water come up wash my face and then get in the shower that's exactly the same as Rob's routine well I I do bubble my water but I think it means something else why why do you do that why I do what's the point in having fizzy water on your face I read once that if you use Fizzy Bubbly sparkly water on your face it opens up the pores for whatever cleans or face wash you're going to use gets in there as really good like that
18:03 we have we have a medical man and I don't mean Lee we've got zand here is there any true I've never heard that is there truth in that it's interesting Rob that medical school there is no lecture on preparing your face for Cosmetics with SP it's like not a thing all right all right smart alec I was elevating you with that question but if you want to have combat with me for the rest of the night you are very welcome to it my friend that's quite a complex skin routine are you taking the fizzy water away with you my like you know travels for work H yes yes yes you travel for work or what do you do when you're traveling for work in every Hotel mini bar there is a fizzy water ah she's got us so you go to a machine what do you
18:51 put the water in to bring it to the sink just like a bottle of empty bottle of water or a big mug just do a couple Scoops you see I would worry that my paes I mean my Paws might be different but I would worry that my Paws the sort of acridness of the Fizz would make my Paws close up in fear that did not sound like the start of a really bad advert that you were doing for skin cream the acess of the Fizz makes me fearful but now with oil of you right what are you thinking is Maya telling the truth or is it a lie my bit is the details is the bringing the water she said a bottle or a mug a mug is that much water well that's not doing a face and then you put the stuff on no it's just whatever's next to the sink you know sometimes you do every day you'd have a set system it's exactly it's a
19:38 very fastidious process that you're under but the idea that oh I don't that's that had a lasagna in it yesterday so what are you going to say instinctively I think it's a lie you're saying it's a lie we're going to go lie okay uh Maya truth or life it is a [Applause] out loud oh sorry um when Tom Cruz came to England I took him to Argos because he wanted to buy an extension lead of course Samantha starred with S Thomas in in Minority Report excellent
20:26 film please team so um why was he coming to London first it was a premere of Minority Report yeah we we've taken over this floor of the doorchester for the premere um he's got one end with his Entourage and I've got the other end with my child and and someone helping me and his his assistant came over and said they needed uh an extension lead you don't know what the lead is for particularly well I eventually do but not in that first moment it rude to ask as well when someone says even if it's not Tom Cruz I'm looking to buy an extension what's it for what what machine do you need to get nearer to you I definitely think the way you talk David it would be rude basically we were going out anyway
21:12 because I needed to get a bottle warmer and I don't know why I think I just someone came over me I was like do you fancy coming out with me to Argos so you end up in Argos with Tom Cruz what did he think of the little pens he probably thought they were massive talk us through the bit when you ask Tom I I I'll I'll be Tom um hey Sam really stoked about tonight you know what I learned to do in the last 5 hours fly a helicopter okay what are we going to do that was a bit alucino then it was a bit wasn't it it drifted into what are we going to do tonight
22:00 I'm doing Al Pino it's brilliant thank you Samantha I wish I could do Ellen Barkin but I can't oh Sea of Love oh my god oh this city what it does to people no no no no no I can't do Ellen barking but I can do Lassie barking I was in Lassie you were in Lassie the film yeah but I got into trouble with Lassie because they tell everyone no food on set and I'd forgotten or whatever and so I'd always be eat my sandwiches and then then Lassie will be doing a take and then he like what's going on and anyway in the end they realized it was me and miss swiches and then you took Lassie to Argos to buy a lead Bob what do you think is is Sam telling the truth I I like it a lot you like it yeah it feels like well that's
22:46 all that matters yeah so Bob says it's true I think so and Sarah says it's it's it's believable okay well say it's true you're going to say it's true okay Samantha truth or lie it's a lie um ah a singing coach once refused to give me lessons because he said my voice was so bad there was nothing he could do for me pleas gosh how old were you Lou uh about 25 so quite recently then yes I'm kidding did did you sing a song to exhibit your skills yeah he had a microphone in the middle of the room and said just you know Bel out tuned to see
23:32 where I was at sort of musically what was this for I was in a band uh yeah what was the band Jeff leopard Jeff leopard what is that is that a de leopard tribute band no just five five girls having a nice time but it wasn't it wasn't a tribute band we did three of our own Jeff leopard songs and we did one de leopard song as a nod do you remember the titles of any of those songs um yeah um rocking in the evening with my friend called steing I know that was one of yours how how did that go barking in [Music] the with my friend
24:18 [Music] [Applause] God I mean the range is incredible you couldn't you couldn't let the producers know that Lou is having a breakdown could you was it the band's idea to send you for singing lessons and how did that conversation go um was it awkward no because I knew that I was um sort of limited in certain areas I was a great front man what do you call it a front lady that sounds rude you're a great ban but I don't like the look of your front lady what song did you do at the uh lesson it was the one from mannequin um and you know um uh oh I'll just sing it and then you'll know it and we can
25:05 build this gam together I mean you know there were certainly some of the notes I think I we can stop you there Rob it's true yeah but she could be good act she's got the voice of an Angel and she's lying la la la I don't know I now think it's a la la Li I think it's a lie you think it's a lie I'll go with my team okay saying it's a lie Lou truth or lie truth I once spent the night in millets after falling asleep in a
25:51 tent David's te which branch of millet it was a in kandle when was this five six years ago five six years ago and what were you going to milit for I had a big argument with my child and my nephew we had the camper van and I said have you got your coat yes have you got everything yes yes stop being boring we got there and they hadn't brought any War weather gear not even a Kon I then left them they they they ped off you know the B where you got there's no internet go and play when they got playing got tged his family got about it and the dad said to me you go off if you know what I mean get them some courts they're fine with us I went to Millet and there was one of them
26:36 ridiculous stupid like back in 5 minutes we'll be open I won't lie I there was a pub up it you might because of the format all right yes okay there was a pub over the road I went the pub eventually I saw a light on I went in and I couldn't find the guy and I thought thought I thought I'll hide in the tent and surprise him quite natural of course no cuz I was part of me was annoyed that he'd gone so long it wasn't like I'll be back in five minutes right by the time I left the PB I thought jumping out of a tent was a good idea right and um I Zed it up and I just fell asleep and when were you discovered I set off the alarm where
27:24 were your your children were still with this family you'd left them they seem trustworthy no was on a campsite yeah you I mean but you did did you know the family we met not day I mean like his dad seemed very competent at pushing a swing I didn't like abandon him I thought I was coming back in half an hour how long were you gone about 9 hours what did the family say to you when you turned up they wouldn't believe that I'd fallen asleep and the fact is the the thing that really think me was I set the alarm off people turned up who uh police and the manager and then it
28:11 wouldn't turn the tail on to on me two courts so what do you think um Mar what are you thinking um you going in the pub and going into minutes and falling asleep I can believe the the other family just going yeah it's fine you came back I didn't say this said it was fine weren happy with it I think they would have done more it's possible but I'll go with lie I think I think it's true you think it's true I you think it's a lie I'm going to go true you're saying it's true yeah okay Johnny truth or lie lie [Music]
28:58 a [Music]
