UNMASKING NARCISSISM | "Communal Narcissism"

0:01 Hello, I'm Dr. Pierre Simon and it's great being back with you. We're continuing in our series unmasking narcissism. I hope you're enjoying it. Welcome to this part of communal narcissism. Maybe you've never heard of that, but it's out there. And uh I think if I would rather be with a particular narcissist in in some way, it might be the communal narcissist. They they do the most good. let's say they're they're hard at work helping others, doing for others, but it's for false reasons. And we'll be discussing why that is. Uh before we get into that subject, let's uh continue to uh talk about the book Unmasking Addiction. My first book,

0:49 Unmasking Addiction, is out on the market, and I hope it's been enjoyable. I I'm getting a lot of good feedback from people on it. And then this second book, Unmasking Narcissism, will be published, I hope, by the end of the year, if not uh soon as I can find a scholarship uh uh for publishing it. Unmasking addiction, however, gets into the depths of addictive personalities, addiction behavior, whether it's drugs, alcohol, substances of any kind, or behavioral addictions. For modern readers, it's uh valuable because it brings up the references, the current references, the current studies that

1:35 have been done uh regarding addictions. Uh the book's straightforward actionable steps and rel relatable language ensure that it effectively meets the needs of today's audience. So, if you have a chance, look that book up. Give it to a friend if they have an issue with addiction or a family member who needs to learn more about addiction. I'm sure it'll be helpful for you. Well, what is communal narcissism? Uh, it it's a a a topic that you don't hear a lot about, but you do hear a lot about people who help other people. You do hear a lot about the word altruism.

2:21 Altruism is um selflessness. It's taking the interests of others and and their well-being and doing something about it, helping others, in other words, which is a good thing. So, altruism is a good thing. However, when we add the word narcissism to altruism, we end up with communal narcissism. And so, the definition of communal narcissism is false self built on perceived altruism. And that word perceived is the important word there. That perceived altruism makes it appear as though they're good people helping others. And they are good for helping others. And there's no

3:08 disputing that and I hope they continue helping others. However, they have a mask and that mask is a mask of allowing them to appear that way. But what's behind that mask? What what's the reasons why they're appear they need they have to appear that way? So the definition of false self built on perceived altruism uh built on morality perceived mor morality uh and self-sacrifice they appear to be very self-sacrificing. Again altruism is a good thing. There are people who are self-sacrificing. There are those who do have high moral standards and demonstrate it, live by

3:56 it. And and that's that's wonderful. We're taught to be that way, aren't we? In the in the Bible and especially in the New Testament, Jesus demonstrated that for us. At the core of communal narcissism, however, is I'm the most selfless. I'm the most compassionate. There's no one as moral, as selfless, as compassionate as me. Whoa. Now we're getting beyond altruism. We're getting beyond being a giver, self being selfless, being a doer, being a helper, being a supporter, an encourager, a motivator. We're get we're going beyond that. It's exaggerated and it's to a point where it

4:45 actually can be aggressive. It's extreme. And and so when it gets aggressive and extreme, well, now we're in that realm of narcissism, that realm of selfishness, self-loving, self- admiration, egocentric, it's all about me. Yeah. Whoa. Okay. When you start to hear that, then all right, now that's going a little too far. That's making me uncomfortable. I don't think I want to hear that. keep talking about giving, keep talking about helping others, talk less about yourself and all all that you do and all that. Well, that's that's when it's getting a little exaggerated at that point. And if you cross the

5:31 narcissist, as we've spoken of before, they're going to punish you for it. They're going to retaliate in some way, and they're going to punish you greater than it you deserve. you know, maybe you did something to them, but they're going to get you back even higher because they get aggressive about it. It's it's stealing their need, what they deserve, what they should have, power, control, and whatever else that comes out of this. Unlike the overt narcissists who flaunt power, communal narcissists flaunt virtue. Communal narcissism is when a person's identity is wrapped in being

6:17 seen as the most selfless, the most moral or compassionate individual. They build a false self not on wealth or fame but on their supposed goodness. The mask appearing good appearing good. Uh all perfect. this this individual that they want to be admired and so they elevate themselves to that point as all narcissists will elevate in some way one way or another. But behind it there's a lot of insecurity there. There's a great emptiness. There's a deep well that can't be filled. Just can't be filled.

7:03 No matter how much they do, getting back from you, that supply is never enough. It's essential to note that this isn't about genuine humility. It's about self-promotion disguised as virtue, the illusion of selflessness. It appears altruistic but it seeks admiration, validation. It's it's like vacuum. It's constantly sucking the admiration. It's constantly sucking in the validation from others. Uh constantly requiring the pats on the back and the attention u

7:53 the center of of attention. Rarely will they defer that attention elsewhere. And you can usually tell healthy narcissists because they will. They'll defer that attention elsewhere. They'll lift this organization up and send you to this organization or that person up and send you to that person and they'll they'll disperse uh the the attention elsewhere. So a healthy altruistic individual is going to be that way. They're they're not going to keep drawing like a vacuum. It has to come back to them. It has to come back to them. So they get a motor going and the motor runs and it's running well and

8:38 it's directing whatever needs to be directed done. Things are getting done however they need to get done. They don't need to be the center of it anymore. They got it going. Yeah. That's that's healthy altruism. communal altruism, communal narcissism. No, they still have to be the center of it. They still have to be the ones to keep it going. And if they're not in the center and they're not keeping it going, then it's going to stop. It's going to end. And they want you to know that. So keep in mind, there's good altruism, but there's also the communal altruism. They're they're motivated by recognition,

9:23 influence, profit, power, control. Just like all narcissists, it's power and control of some type. Create they create relational and spiritual tension. Now, I looked at that and I thought, relational and spiritual tension, what what does that look like? And I I think it would be interesting to kind of dive a little deeper into what is what does that look like? Because communal narcissists, they create that relational and spiritual tension by masking self-centeredness under a guise of service. Relational tension, I think we all go through relational tension at times, but the communal narcissist thrives on it. Uh they they

10:09 they appear to be the most caring. They want to appear to be the most caring, uh, the most spiritual, the most helpful. Now, right away, you see a problem here. You have all these other people who are helpful, encouraging, and all this. But then up out of out of this group comes the communal narcissist who says, "No, I am more so that way than you." Uhoh. Now we got relational tension, don't we? This group over here, now they're getting a little upset. Uh, wait a minute. I'm a giver, too. I I'm humble. I'm this. I'm that. No, I'm the

10:54 most. You're going to have tension in that regard. So, what does that create? It creates competition. Competition instead of collaboration. Their acts of service are not about building others up but about elevating themselves. This often turns relationships into subtle contests. Maybe you grew up in a home where your parent was a narcissist and perhaps uh it kind of ended up that way. They would com cause the children to compete with one another. Who's better? Who's stronger? Who's smarter? If you have parents that focus on those things, you there might be a narcissist

11:41 in that group because in creating that competition, they're weakening the children in that sense that they're the best, they're the strongest, they're in control. Prove yourself. And so the competition goes on, but it's never good enough because you can never top the narcissistic parent. And no matter how hard or how wonderful or you beat all your siblings and you're number one, you get the best grades and whatever. Oh, well, it's not as smart as me or you're not as strong as me or they they can never reach that goal of being the best. And that's what

12:27 narcissism does. It creates that competition. But that then what happens to the kids. They don't bond. They hate each other. They're constantly fighting each other. They're constantly at odds with each other. Now, maybe in school, they're helping each other out, you know, when someone picks on them or whatever. But at home, no. No. Nope. It's constant bickering and this and that, back and forth. Who's better? Who's this? Who Who's that? Boy, I'm already tired just talking about that. You can imagine that energy, that emotional energy that's put out in the children, having to be that way in in a home day in and day out. It's going to drain that emotional energy. And how are they going to get it back? Well, some get it back through drugs,

13:13 alcohol, maybe other things. Who knows? But they got to get it back somehow because that's tiring. It's draining. This often turns relationships into subtle contests. Who in the most who's the most giving the closest to God? So we see in the church, we see that happening a lot. Who's the most spiritual? You know, who's who's this? If if you have a narcissistic pastor or leader, uh they're going to they they can cause that relational tension by causing this to occur just like in the family. And before you know it, you got bickering going on in among the church members. Manipulation

13:58 of goodwill occurs uh when there's relational tension. Friends, family or church members may feel obligated to praise or follow them even when their needs are neglected. Love and kindness are no longer free gifts, but relational debts. You owe me. I picked you to do this. You owe me. I gave this to you. You owe me. Have you heard that from a parent? I did this for you, you know, so I expect you to do that for me. Well, no. That's relational tension. That's not a good thing. Exploitation of vulnerability

14:45 will occur when there's relational tension. The communal narcissist positions themselves as the rescuer, but instead of empowering others, they keep them dependent so that the narcissist remains central. Here again, we come back to the triangle we've spoken of in the past. They have to remain on the top and they pit the others one against the other. They'll take sides and change sides so they're always on top and they're always in control and that keeps everyone else at the bottom. Spiritual tension also occurs. Spiritual

15:32 tension and communal narcissism disrupts relationships. It creates confusion in faith communities, hijacking ministry for self glory. False humility is pride. They cloak self-promotion in spiritual language, leaving others uneasy. It's all about the leader or all about the Sunday school teacher or all about the pastor or all who you know whoever the bishop, the apostle. Let's draw that attention. Let's, you know, now I'm not saying everyone who calls themselves that is is is a narcissist, but I'm saying that they're

16:17 certainly going to seek those titles to get that admiration, that attention. And are they using it in a way of power and control? And if they are, then okay, then you kind of got all right. Yeah. But if they're not, and it's more of a circle that is, everyone's benefiting, everyone's getting something out of it, uh, everyone is being blessed, and they don't have to be on top. They don't have to be number one, they don't have to be the center of attention. Well, now, okay, so that's healthy, isn't it? That circle where everybody's benefiting. Everyone's working together, and God benefits from that. And that's why Jesus

17:03 taught us those things to be givers, not not takers. Disrupting unity is what occurs spiritually in a church when when that's happening. When service becomes a stage for self envy and and division, uh these the different things that may occur where it's bringing that attention constantly back to the leader. No, the leader should be bringing the attention to the service, to God, to Jesus. You go to some churches, they don't talk about Jesus. You never hear the word Jesus, the name Jesus. Or you go to some churches and they're always talking

17:49 about doing this for the church, doing that for the church, and doing this for Wait a minute. Um, what about others? Doing for others. you know, are they reaching out? So, your church, all churches should be reaching out to the community, doing for the community, helping the school or helping the orphanage or helping this group or that group, reaching outward and that's blessing. If it's all drawn inward, now we got some communal stuff going on, some self-centeredness going on. Paul cautioned the Corinthian church about boasting in their spiritual gifts, reminding them that without love, their actions are like noisy gong. A noisy

18:36 gong or a clanging symbol. 1 Corinthians 13:1. The spiritual tension lies in the counterfeit. The command, the communal narcissist mimics Christian service, but drains it of its God- centered motive, leading others into disillusionment and mistrust. So why is this tension so painful? People feel used rather than loved. Spiritual seekers may stumble thinking all service is self-serving. Genuine acts of kindness lose credibility because they're confused

19:24 with performance. Jesus addressed this tension when he rebuked the Pharisees. How do all their deeds need to be seen by others? Matthew 23:5. Why is it everything they do has to be seen by others? Why is it they have to be the center of attention? Why is it they're constantly drawing attention to themselves with what they wear, what they how they say things or how they may walk or stand or constantly be in the center of of the group. Their public devotion caused mistrust making faith feel performance rather

20:10 than relational with God. Christianity is all about relationship with God. Relationship through Jesus. Relationship with one another. Healthy relationship. not tensiondriven relationship as the communal narcissism may result. The remedies found in Christ's model of service. Mark 10:45 tells us, "The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many." Service rooted in love, not applause,

20:57 relieves tension and builds true fellowship. So when service points to Christ rather than self or things, relationships deepen and spiritual life grows in authenticity. A church thrives, a home thrives, friends thrive with one another in fellowship. That's what we want. We don't want that selfishness, that self promotion, as a communal narcissist may be driven to do. And the research backs all this up. Communal narcissists desire

21:44 superiority from altruistic behaviors. They present themselves as mo the most moral, most compassionate. As I've said, their behaviors reinforce dependency, though. The more supply they have, the better they feel. Therefore, they can't let you go. They can't send you out, let's say, as a missionary going out and do your thing. They have to keep you hooked in so that they can keep drawing from you to get supply and it proves to them they're morally superior. They're constantly getting

22:30 that reinforcement from you. So the research showed that communal narcissism claims moral superiority through altruistic behaviors. As previously stated, they frame themselves as the most giving and the most compassionate. However, notice that the focus is not on genuine love. It's on reinforcing superiority and being recognized as the best at being good. We see that a lot with the Pharisees, don't we, in the in the Bible. Some of the common behaviors that we see with communal narcissism is the public acts of charity to ensure recognition. So, it's not just giving or doing. It's

23:17 announcing and constantly bringing that subject up of look what I just did. Look what I just gave. We're not supposed to do that. It's constant moral comparisons, comparing themselves with others. It's a savior role that reinforces dependence on others. So, there's three common patterns that I've noticed that emerge. They perform public acts of charity, ensuring recognition. They constantly highlight their moral superiority. And they take on savior roles, helping in ways that create dependence. In every case, their so-called generosity points back to themselves

24:05 again. I'd rather be around them than other kinds of narcissists. At least they are doing good, aren't they? They're doing it for other reasons, but good things are getting done. And that's why around the world you see a lot of altruistic organizations, a lot of giving organizations. They're doing good and we want them to continue to do good. Is it constantly drawing back to an individual? And if it is, well, then you kind of get an idea. Here's a communal narcissist there. But you know what? I'll still donate to that organization because they're still doing good. And I'll pat that guy on the back or gal on

24:52 the back and say, you know, good job. You know, great. You you're doing wonderful. Uh, keep it up because they're doing that. Because what's inside of them is between them and God. And they may be doing it for the wrong reasons, but it's getting done. Those reasons, however, are what God what they're going to have to answer to God for. And is that going to be enough for them? What they do, is that going to be enough for them to get God's approval? Because God sees the heart. Galatians 5:22-23 gives us the litmus test. Love, joy,

25:38 peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control. When evaluating claims of altruism, ask, "Do their actions reflect the fruit of the spirit, or do they point back to themselves, to the person who's carrying out those actions?" This distinction helps us discern authenticity from manipulation. Good to know. Okay, I'll still donate to this group or that group because they're doing good. I may not seek attention from their leader, however because

26:23 there's going to be a hook. Um, and it's going to create tension. It's going to create problems. Better to just give it a distance in cases like that. modern example is podcasters with all that's going on on the internet and everything and these podcasters are saying all kinds of things you don't who do you believe and you get these titles you ever see those thumbnail things that say the end of the world is tomorrow just to get you to turn it on to listen to it you know well was that truthful no it wasn't truthful it was just to get you to turn it on so Christian podcaster repeated unverified claims. Uh, and I looked at

27:11 that and I said, "Well, I guess I can see what's behind it. I don't think I'm going to pay attention to to that person because they're just doing it in a way to get attention. And if that's behind the mask of what they're presenting, then I may not be that interested in following them." possible motives might be sensationalism, validation or control. When I see that amplification and I I recall recently I was watching a pod I would go through YouTube and uh seeing what what am I going to watch tonight? I don't like watching the movies and all that anymore. I all that Hollywood stuff. I I don't care about

27:57 it. So, I I I'll see, you know, documentaries and things like that and and I'll see these different titles. And recently, I observed a Christian podcaster amplify a claim without evidence. And I thought, well, was that careless? Was it calculated to attract attention? The Bible warns us in Ephesians 4:25 to speak truthfully. In Proverbs 12:22, it tells us God delights in trustworthy lips. Are they speaking truthfully? Are they speaking with words or that that are trusting that I can rely on? Uh or is it

28:43 just to get attention to get you on? you know, and I I I give my book away most of the time. Um, it's not to it's not to make money, it's to get the information out to help people. Um, but if I do it in a way as a hook, that's not right either. So, are they doing it in a way to genuinely bless you? Bless God, trust in God. Well, God wants people to watch me, they're going to watch me. If not, they're not. Or just the right people. Even if it's just one. Is God behind it?

29:32 If he is, there's a blessing there. And if not, well, then go your merry way and see what happens. Communal narcissist is all about amplification, that bubble that we've talked about before, increasing the self, and they become powerful in their minds and don't tell them otherwise. Biblical case study, for example, would be what? Who would you think in the Bible might be a biblical case study for an altruistic or a communal narcissist? Well, I think the first person that came to my mind was Judas. Judas's scariot.

30:18 Uh yeah, you know, John 12:5-6 tells us he pretended to care for the poor but was stealing money. Matthew 26:14-16 it tells us betrayed Jes he he betrayed Jesus with silver and there was that outward altruism was that false mask that Judas wore because his inward motive was greed and validation. Judas is a striking biblical example. In John 12:5, he criticized Mary's use of costly perfume, suggesting it should have been sold for the poor.

31:04 Yet verse six reveals his true motive. He was stealing from the moneybag, outwardly selfless, inwardly corrupt. This duality captures communal narcissism perfectly. That altruistic facade, the the mask, Judas was outwardly righteous but inwardly corrupt. Warning against performing righteousness is what the Bible teaches us. The Pharisees, good example of that. another group that did it outwardly, but inwardly they weren't so good. Jesus warned in

31:52 Matthew 6:1, "Don't do good deeds for show." The Pharisees were masters of communal narcissism, performing righteous acts to be admired rather than to honor God. Judas and the Pharisees show us how false altruism destroys spiritual integrity. [Music] And then of course there's the manipulative tactics of the communal narcissists. They exploit dependency. You need me. They control through guilt. They discredit competitors. They maintain moral high ground at all costs. That is, they have to look good at all cost. And if you make them look

32:38 bad, watch out. There's there's going to be a elevated reaction or an aggressive reaction. Communal narcissists use subtle tactics. They exploit dependency. They they make others feel they need them. They use guilt as a weapon. They don't uh they don't appreciate what you've done because what you've done you're supposed to do for them. They discredit competitors ensuring they remain the center of admiration. These tactics erode healthy relationships and create environments of control.

33:24 There are healing pathways of course and as I've always said mild to severe, moderate in the middle, that mild to moderate, there's room for healing there. There's a chance that they're going to get better. There's going to be improvement. They may not completely get rid of the the the um the ego um the need for attention, but it's going to get better and they're going to give a little more. They're going to be a little more empathetic, let's say. Um moderate to severe, they've crossed over. They've hardened their hearts.

34:12 Their conscience is seared at that point. as the Bible would tell us, they're not going back. There's there's not a chance unless it's an act of God that they're going to change. Some are going to change over here in this mild to moderate area. And so, it's not a hopeless situation. And I want to get that across to someone who might be listening who is who and perhaps they know themselves to be narcissistic. Well, are you over here or are you over here? If you're over here, yeah, come on. Let's work a little harder at it and you'll do better. You'll get better. And there's hope there.

34:58 Over here, you've crossed over. And you're probably not watching this anyway if you're over here. uh you you you know it all already. You don't need to watch things like this. So, healing pathways, you pursue humility, the Bible tells us, developing self-awareness, restoring authentic relationships, reorienting towards God's approval. Freedom is possible, but it requires transformation or change. And there's four healing steps to that. pursuing humility, developing self-awareness. In other words, facing those hidden motives,

35:43 restoring authentic relationships, those relationships that are based on respect, not not on image, and reorienting yourself for God's approval. What What do you think he's saying? What do you what do you think he wants of you? And of course, that's through Jesus Christ as savior, the son of God, believing in his sacrifice for the forgiveness of our sins, the forgiveness of narcissism, the forgiveness of this or that. As we let go and let God,

36:29 we heal from the inside out, not from the outside in. Healing is not about fixing an image, but surrendering to God's truth. And there's some ethical and psychological issues with all that. Should we be upset when a communal narcissist does good? Good deeds are beneficial, but corrupt motives can undermine their intent. 1 Corinthians 13:3 tells us, "Without love, even sacrifice gains nothing." Philippians 1:15-18 basically saying, "God can still use flawed people."

37:16 I think just about every character in the Bible is flawed. God gave us those characters so we could see that we don't have to be perfect. We're not going to be perfect. We're flawed just like they were flawed. But they were forgiven and they did good things. And God not only blessed them, but they blessed others by the things they did, even if they weren't perfect. And we're not perfect. So, should we be upset when a communal narcissist does good? Their actions may still benefit others, but motives matter to God. 1

38:03 Corinthians 13:3 reminds us, without love, even sacrifice means nothing. Got to have the right motives. Yet Paul in Philippians 1:15 to18 tells us that we should rejoice in Christ and what Christ has preached. Even if we have selfish motives, trust in him. And that tension invites discernment. I'm not so good. He's very good. There's tension there. But in that tension, it makes us try harder, work harder. It invites us to understand,

38:49 to gain knowledge, understanding, insights, and wisdom, drawing us closer. We become better. I think we all want to become better. Only God knows the heart. So we can't be judging people saying you're this or you're that. We can judge those spiritual things. Are they doing good or not? Is there is there fruit to be seen in what they do? And the rest is between them and God. The Lord weighs the motives. He knows if you're doing good or if in secret you got other motives. So do good in secret. The Bible

39:35 tells us the Lord looks at the heart. God discerns sincerity. Ultimately, only God sees motives. And as we keep trying to do better each day, keep trying to do it for others in a selfless way, thinking less about what you need, more about what others need, including your employer and the company you work for. Even if you don't think they're paying you enough, give them all that you can. It's a call to authenticity. Beware of a false self built on moral superiority. Embrace humility, truth, and genuine love. Seek God's approval,

40:22 not human applause. Remember, let others praise you, not yourself. The call for us is authenticity. Not living for the applause, but for God's approval. Let others praise you. Let others compliment you. Let them pat you on the back. Don't go asking him for it. Don't go pointing to yourself, I did this or I did that. True freedom comes when we live humbly, serve sincerely, and trust God to see our hidden motives. Unlike communal narcissists, we find security in God's love, not human admiration.

41:09 Well, I hope this was helpful for you today. Next time, we're going to get into the subject that I think will also be interesting for us. Perhaps you've never heard of it. Somatic narcissism. We're going to talk about somatic narcissism. Think of that word somatic. What does that mean? You know, again, it's drawing to self, isn't it? So, we'll talk some more about it next time and get that definition of it and try to see if the gee did I know somebody that's that way or did did I remember seeing that on TV or what? You know, it's a it's something that if if we see it and recognize it, it oh, okay, I can

41:56 see that going on. I don't have to be like that person. I can be me. I don't have to be them. We want to be more like God and not more like other people. Like and subscribe if you got something out of this. I I sure appreciate it. May your troubles be minor blessings, more and happiness come through your door. We'll see you next time. [Music]