Full transcript of “What Is The Virtue And Vice Of ESFJs? Caregiving Vs. Caretaking”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 hey guys it's CS josephus es Joseph that life again coming from Germany right now in the awesome Frankfurt Airport it's freaking huge never been here before so let's see if I'm actually awake enough to do another video lecture right now so we'll see how it goes right anyway so we've been doing our lecture series on virtue and vice with all the 16 archetypes according to Jungian analytical psychology we just finished the ENFJ earlier when I was at the San Jose International Airport so let's go
0:47 into the starter types now these are the informative initiating movement types starter types they get things going they start things have a hard time finishing things right yeah that's me so the first of the sorrow types is the ESF J the traditionalist past focused Duty based protector very caring very dutiful and some western circles they'd probably call this type the ideal female feminine type in the same way they'd say the ESTJ is probably the ideal masculine type even though technically the estp is that
1:33 preferred alpha but whatever you know people and their type biases what are you gonna do about it right so the ESF J yes FJ virtue and vice so this one's a little bit more complicated it's a little bit more complicated because you have to understand the difference between the terms themselves so their virtue is caregiving right their vices caretaking so wait a minute how is being a caretaker of Vice mister CS Joseph how is that possible it is if you actually understand what caretaking means so ESF
2:18 days are extremely caring probably the most caring of all the types the most self-sacrificing of all the types will have to say they're extremely self-sacrificing well it's because of that level of self-sacrifice that you know they you can end up being really huge doormats actually in the same way like the INTP is also generally treated as a doormat it's because they have an ENFJ subconscious right so but what is caregiving versus caretaking and why does it matter well it's because of something called a covert contract a covert contract is basically the concept
3:03 of if I scratch your back you scratch mine it's an expectation it's an expectation that if I'm scratching your back that you will scratch mine and I am I not even tell you that expectation right I may not by not telling you of that expectation that's causing potential problems right there's a lot of potential problems with that so why well it's manipulative it's very minute of covert contracts are extremely manipulative and dr. Robert Glover PhD actually talks about this in his book no more mr. nice guy and if you haven't already picked up a copy of that book and started reading it and I don't care
3:50 your gender it's it's important that everyone reads it even women especially women actually because then they have some tools with which to hold their men accountable to you know the mature masculine instead of being man children all the time right which is like I mean that's pathetic kind of sucks to be honest so in that regard we find ourselves in a situation basically so cared giving versus caretaking so caregiving they're so giving they
4:37 give to others oftentimes they offer help they don't expect anything in return here's a great example of caregiving that I've witnessed I one time went to a friend's house for dinner and we had steak or no a bacon-wrapped steak for dinner it was filet mignon and it was exquisite let me tell you it was a dope you know and for all you vegans out there I mean I'm sorry sometimes you just have to indulge and a little bacon if you know what I mean so and and no offense to any people of spiritual beliefs that are against pork but you know to quote the great Emeril
5:23 Lagasse pork fat rules that being said I watched an e SF jey who was invited to this this friendly function right she doesn't live there you know she doesn't have a baby and I watched her a change someone else's baby's diaper it wasn't even her child like what what and and and I was half expecting that person to get all upset about it and be like don't touch my baby right but no she literally just started changing the diaper of this little baby I'm like wow it goes further I watched her go over to the dishes
6:10 after we ate our meal and she did all of the dishes herself she didn't even she didn't even live there she wasn't even asked she just did it right past focused Duty based protectors supportive the ESF Jay is known as the supporter let me tell you if you take away an ESF Jays ability to support others ability to care give and live in their virtue they will hate you but that awesome virtue of caregiving can turn sour so fast-forward to my grandmother who has an e s FJ my ENFJ father just to troll her will do
6:57 the dishes before she does right which completely throws her off and makes her so angry because es f days have this problem where they draw their self-worth through the good things that they do for other people right if you take that away from them they can get angry because they feel bad about themselves they feel guilty they feel well wow I'm so guilty right now because the dishes aren't done right that's just that's crazy right no it's not crazy not the ESF J's so let's go let's go step further when that when the caregiving starts to sour that's when they start to care take so what is caretaking as a vice what does that look
7:43 like caretaking is when an e sfj is giving to get where they give give give give to this person but they're doing it to earn something in return and they're not even telling you that they're expecting the earn and then when they don't earn what they're expecting they're gonna get really mad and hold you accountable to the point where they'll stop caring about you entirely because they didn't get what they were looking for as a result of giving to you as a result of caregiving but it's not caregiving because they're not giving care they're giving care in order to take that's why it's called caretaking right it's caretaking it's different so
8:31 caretaking can be a serious problem you got to be really careful with ESF JS if because they'll offer help and without telling you you have no idea of knowing if that help has strings attached or not there's a good chance there's a really good chance for strings attached so you can't tell you can't tell the difference if it's caregiving your caretaking right well you kind of can if you interrupt their caregiving like for example what my dad would do right he'd just start doing the dishes to kind of throw my grandmother off right if you
9:19 out care her right if you out care the ESF J or if you beat the ESF J to the caring game and you get in the way of their caring right you can easily see what their intentions are you know if it's caregiving or caretaking here's another example of caretaking that ESF J is due and is fj's do this as well but not as much as es f JS y is f JS like to enforce their social rules what they believe is social so what they'll do like to a family member right let's say they had this daughter that was not always interested in showing up the family events right so what the ESF J would do is buy a car for them right
10:05 that sounds like it's very caring very nice except the ESF J would make sure that the title that car had their name on it not the daughter's name on it and this say hey you can use this car right well because their names on the title they have a lot of power right I have literally seen an es FJ called Grand Theft Auto on their own offspring to control them and threaten them taking away that car to coerce them into attending family events on time right because how dare their teenage daughter not go to family events when the ESF Jay
10:54 expects them to see that's caretaking that is the ESF je vais be careful that can be a serious problem do not allow es f J's to care take make sure their caregiving but if you start seeing them having strings attached to the care run for the hills you don't know what's coming next so be mindful of this if you're in a relationship with an es FJ do not allow them to control you or others through care through their Vice caretaking because they're giving care in order to take and it really has nothing to do with actually caring it's
11:40 a covert contract and covert contracts are manipulative and controlling and have nothing to do with care and dr. Robert Glover in his book no more mr. nice guy explains that men man children in first world society have this problem they're so focused on winning the approval of women instead of fellow men and they end up getting into these covert contracts when they're married to these women and then they're manipulating women if I do these nice things for you then you'll have sex with me right come on that's dumb but so many people do that so many men have the perspective of I scratch your back you scratch mine right scratch
12:26 the itch right edge the scratch No it's wrong and it's been a palliative and this is how es fj's do it they can manipulate people through caretaking more so than any other type that's why it's their vice so hold them to the standard of care giving care that has no strings attached that is important for you and your family or anyone that the ESF J comes into contact with always require because remember there SI parent right because there SI parent they have to be obligated they have to you have to tell them it's their duty you can't tell them hey this is what you want to do in turn oh you have to you have to require
13:12 of them you have to tell your es f J this is my expectation of you this is the boundary this is the standard you will follow it or else basically you know it sounds kind of mean and it kind of rude kind of controlling but sorry es fj's like it when people are dominating so I can't really do very much about that Kenya it's all is kind of difficult you know so what can cause them to like not really do caretaking as much well give them recognition make them comfortable always state what you want and help them
14:00 figure out what other people around them want or what the experience other people around them would like to have at least because that would give them information that would allow them to be more caring right they'll they'll be more into being caring instead of caretaking now another way that caretaking manifests is when the ESF J is alone and around the same people all the time because they'll really want to keep those people around them because ESF J's really struggle with feeling alone and they start to caretake because those strings make sure that those people stay in their lives right that's one way they're trying to
14:46 control and puppeteer people to keep them close because the ESF J needs people around them needs people to care for so they could draw their self-worth from that offer of care right there's no people around to care for they feel alone they feel worthless they get depressed so caretaking this device is one of the ways that they ensure that those people stay around because it's like they're controlling them with those strings right marry and editing them alone if you really want to keep your SF jey away from their vice and in their virtue expose them constantly to a wide array of acquaintances this is one of the reasons why the ESF P and the isfp is super good for relationships with the
15:32 ESF J because both those types can be very social not so much isfps because they're behind the scenes sure but they still can be pretty social as long as they have the energy to do it but otherwise they'll need to go get solitude search efforts SFPs they're constantly exposing themselves to new people on a regular basis or at least they should be if they're healthy and mature and the ESF J can ride that wave and meet a whole bunch of new people that they can give care to so that they're not caretaking so anyway if you found this lecture to be helpful useful educational insightful please subscribe to the channel here on youtube or on the podcast and leave a
16:19 like as well if you have any questions about ESF JS or their virtue advice please leave it in the comment section and I will do my best to answer any questions you have and also guys keep the video requests coming I'm getting I'm tracking all of them and making sure that we have each and every one on the schedule so we're getting close to 400 videos in the plan but got a long way to go so we'll definitely be doing that so got a lot more travel to go for this overseas trip of mine so preppy and doing plenty of more videos so I'll see you guys tonight
