Why You Keep Attracting Toxic Partners | Gayathri Shivaram

0:00 After wanting to learn about manifestation, this topic is one of the most requested topics on YouTube and also on Instagram where people keep sending me messages saying, "Hey, can you help us understand why we keep attracting toxic partners in our life again and again? Is there is is there is it our fate or is it because there is something wrong with us? Are we doing something wrong or why do I keep attracting the same toxic partner?" So if you are somebody or if you know somebody who's constantly been in loops and cycles of attracting partners who are either emotionally unavailable or partners who don't respect you, who don't prioritize you, who betray you, who cheat you. Please understand there is a reason for that. So that is why I've come up with a lot of notes so that

0:46 I don't miss out on any aspect of helping you understand why this could be happening with you in your life. because I lived with this for 12 years of my life. So when I look back at the kind of partners that I attracted in my life, yes at some point of time I have come out and said like I have had the pattern of attracting toxic partners in my life but only to realize that please remember even if this kind of triggers you at some point of time the trigger is good because it helps you understand yourself better. When we tell ourselves, oh, I have this pattern of attracting toxic partners in our life, it also has something to do with you. And that's exactly what I'll be covering in today's video. In today's video, I'll be talking about why this is happening. What are the four different things inside of you

1:33 that is enabling this attraction of toxicity in your life? And the next one, I'll help you understand how to overcome that. And finally, we will seal all of these with affirmations that you can constantly keep telling yourself so that you change your rewiring that is there in your subconscious mind. That is why I've come with my notes so that I don't miss out on anything because every time I finish doing a video, I'm going and sitting like I should have included this point. I should have included this point. But then to be on the safer side, I have all the pointers with me so that I don't miss out on anything and I give you all the information that you need to know in order for you to change this pattern. Giving you a little bit of little bit of backstory of my life. I grew up in an environment that was majorly dysfunctional. My dad was into gambling. My mother was a little

2:19 anxious. I was the only daughter. They had a love marriage. So I grew up in an environment where I did not have a lot of cousins. I did not have a lot of friends. It was just me and my parents. And my dad would not be emotionally available and also financially also not be available when I was growing up. It created a lot of void inside of me. And all through my life, I still remember since when I was uh a teenager girl, right? My only agenda in my mind was to find the love of my life. You remember like we were told stories of how this prince charming would come and save us and how this one woman would come and change our life altogether. So that was a fantasy land I used to live in. So anybody who kind of showed a little bit of an affection or love towards me, the

3:05 instant thing that I would do is just imagine the entire life with them. I know so many of you are like that at this point of time. And I'll also tell you why that is happening. So as much as I would say I've had the pattern of attracting toxic relationships, I must also admit I was equally toxic in all the relationships. It might be difficult for so many of you to accept this, but this is the truth. If there is no toxicity, when I say toxicity, let's not think about negative aspects that you are a bad person. No, we're not talking about good or bad. We're talking about certain attributes inside of you that is contributing to attracting that specific characteristic in a specific person. So while I was growing up, I used to attract men who

3:50 would be either emotionally unavailable, who would never commit or even if everything was going well, I would come I would come up with a fight or come up with a problem. That obsessiveness, the possessiveness, all of these were a huge part of my dating life in my early 20s and even towards my late 20s. That obsession was coming from a space where I wanted to know what this person was doing, where this person was, not knowing that it was actually creating a lot of pressure for the other person, right? We think, "Oh, I care for you. I love for you." And I still remember there was a conversation I had with a friend saying, "Hey, I love this person unconditionally. Why can't this person love me back the same way?" Now when I look at that statement and think about what I said, I can only laugh about it

4:37 because there was no unconditional love there. There was love with a lot of conditions there saying you talk to me like this. You talk to me so many times. You be there for me. I should be the center of your universe. You'll be my center of my universe. Only to understand that I did not have a life of my own. So in today's video, we will start understanding why this is happening. For you to actually understand this, please remember for you to be able to attract toxic partners in your life, I'm still going to use my notes, right? If you keep attracting emotionally unavailable or toxic people, it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to understand why this is happening so that you can go within and start changing that. Otherwise, what will happen is let's say there's a there's an emotionally unavailable

5:23 person. You've tried everything in your capacity to make this relationship right. But after you've tried everything, nothing seems to work. You leave this person and move on to another relationship only to be surprised that you attract a similar person just with a different face. If you are somebody who's gone through that, tell me in the comments below because it resonates, right? Because there's a lot of pain on the inside. We come from this space of why can't somebody just love me the way I am, right? So it is not your fault but it is your responsibility to understand why this is happening. So for us to understand the core reasons of why that is happening there are actually four core reasons. If you have notes, if you're using your notes on your phone, just make notes because all these notes will be a reminder for you to go back and visit it every single time. The

6:09 first one is unhealed childhood trauma. So now what do I mean by unhealed childhood trauma? If you grew up in an environment where there was chaos all the time, where your parents constantly kept quarreling about something or the other, where there was constant fights or where love was depicted in terms of abuse or yelling and screaming and silent treatment, what do you think ends up happening? We attract in our life what is familiar for us. When I grew up, chaos was inevitable in my life. I only

6:56 saw my parents fight all the time, quarrel all the time, abuse each other most of the times. So for me the understanding of love was oh love means fight. So in all the relationships I used to be in if there was no fight if if there was peace in the relationship it would make me feel uncomfortable because my understanding my familiarity the subconscious always runs to what is familiar for us. So your subconscious mind is constantly running back to the familiar. So even if there are no fights, even if there is nothing for you to fight about, you end up going back to that. Why? Because your emotional body and your nervous system is tuned to chaos. So if you have this habit of attracting relationships that are chaotic for you,

7:41 ask yourself, as a child, what did I consider love to be? As a child, how did I feel when I saw my parents? When I saw my grandparents, when I saw people falling in love with each other, what did I see more of? That's exactly what you will start to attract. And listen to this. Until you heal the relationship with your inner child, we all have an inner child. For some of us, it's broken. For some of us, it's in the process of healing. But until you heal the relationship with your inner child, you'll keep dating people who reflect your original wound. So which means let's say there is a wound that you carry. Okay, the wound needs to be healed. In order for the wound to be

8:27 healed, you're going to attract people who going to remind you of the same wound. Why? Because when people keep reminding you of the same wound, it is an opportunity for you to go within and start healing yourself. Right? This is pain. And what is pain? Pain is a portal. Pain gives you the chance and ability to go within and heal the aspects of you that you did not even know was existing inside of you. So rather than running away from pain, how about we sit with the pain and ask ourselves what are the parts of us that we've abandoned all our lives? And I keep telling people this. If you have this pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men or women in your life, it is only because you are being emotionally unavailable to

9:14 yourself. When you say a yes to somebody else at the cost of you means you are being emotionally unavailable to yourself. You're shutting down yourself and you're just constantly saying yes to somebody else. And what do you think happens? The world is a reflection of what our core beliefs are. So if I am emotionally unavailable to myself, I'm going to attract a person who's going to do the exact same thing with me. So the first one is unhealed childhood wounds. The second one is very very interesting. The second one is energetic set point

10:01 of unworthy. If you take a look at the word right, you will start to see a commonality in people. The major commonality that you will see in people who are struggling with a lot of things is the belief that I am unworthy. I'm not good enough. This could be because of anything. Let's say when you were growing up, your parents did not give you the love that you truly deserved. You started to feel, oh, my parents did not give me the love because I'm unworthy. And we have an emotional set point of unworthiness. A person who's unworthy will always attract relationships who will make them feel more of that. Nobody in this world can ever make you feel anything which

10:47 you're not already feeling about yourself. I'm going to repeat that. Nobody in this world is ever going to make you feel anything which you're not already feeling about yourself. Which means if I'm attracting a person who makes me feel unworthy, it's because I'm already feeling unworthy about myself on the inside. That is why when somebody gives you breadcrumbs, a person who feels worthy of themselves will not even entertain that person because they say this is not what I deserve. I deserve something even better. I deserve something amazing. But a person who already feels unworthy of themselves, a little bit of a breadcrumb is more than enough for them to sustain the relationship. I know this might strike a chord with most of you. I've

11:34 been there. I know how painful that is. I know what it takes for you to get over that. But please remember it is a journey of moving from worthy unworthiness to worthiness. All our decisions are either based from a sense of worthiness or from a sense of unworthiness. Ask yourself just take a step back. Even if you don't change your decisions, just take a step back and ask yourself, is this rooted from a space of worthiness or is this rooted from a space of unworthiness? And you attract what you believe you deserve. If you've been made to if you have been made to believe that you deserve mediocre things, you you deserve not so great things, that is where your natural attraction is going to go towards. It's

12:21 not just with respect to love, it's with respect to abundance. It's with it's with respect to opportunities and anything. Even when you walk into a room, you'll feel like I just don't belong here because a part of you feels undeserving of being there. If deep down you believe I am not good enough. If deep down you have a belief system that says I'm not good enough, you may unconsciously align with people who confirm that belief through neglect, betrayal, or manipulation. I'm going to repeat that for you once again. If deep down you believe I am not good enough, you may unconsciously align with people who confirm that belief through neglect, betrayal and manipulation for you and that is why we keep attracting that kind of people in

13:07 our life. So now when we understand this is it very easy for us to draw boundaries. No because when you draw a boundary it is again creating that space and creating that discomfort saying oh my god what will happen if this person leaves me and goes what will happen if I don't uh sort out the fight right now? What will happen if this person is not a part of my life? All of these fear is going to stem up because you believe you're not deserving of a great relationship. So instead of learning to start drawing boundaries initially, I would highly recommend start working on falling in love with yourself first because when you raise your deservability factor, then people who give you breadcrumbs won't feel like green flags for you anymore. You'll see the red flags for red flags as they are.

13:55 And the next one is the need. The next one is the need to prove your lovability. What does this mean? If you've been raised in an environment where you got a lot of love only because you performed well, you got a lot of love only because uh let's say you were a perfectionist, you were a winner, you were a performer. Then you will create this belief system inside of you that says in order for me to get love, I need to prove myself. I really need to work hard in order for me to get that kind of

14:42 love. How many of you are like that? I used to be a performer all my life. I like doing something. I did not like doing something. I didn't care. All that I cared was I need to come number one. Why? because that was the only way I got a lot of love and appreciation and recognition and acceptance. So it becomes a subconscious belief. In order for me to be accepted by people, in order for me to be loved by people, I need to prove that I'm worthy of love. So what you need to understand is toxic love often activates the part of you that you're still trying to be chosen. I'm going to repeat that. Toxic love often activates the part of you still trying to be chosen. Remember there are people in our lives I used to be one the

15:28 fixer mentality or the rescuer mentality where you think oh this person is not going through a good time in their life. It's my responsibility it's my life's mission to make sure that I fix the person. It's my responsibility that I rescue the person. Why? Because in the process of fixing somebody, you tell the person, hey, see, you are important to me, which means come and love me. I know it's hard. I know how skewed our minds are. But this is exactly how it works. Your need to fix somebody comes from a space that you find your own importance in the process of fixing somebody. Crazy, right? I know how that feels. That's exactly when we have all of these attributes. We start attracting people who are broken, who needs fixing. And

16:16 once they are fixed, they'll leave you and go because they don't find anything else beyond that in you. And your entire life's mission is not taking care of you. Your entire life's mission is making sure that they become happy. They they they get over everything that they have to get over. I also had this u experience of one of my ex partners uh used to have a little bit of a narcissistic traits and he was very aware of that and you know you know what my life's purpose was. Oh that's okay. Let's go to a therapist. Let's make sure that you fix yourself. I'm going to be with you throughout the process. Did that come from a space of genuinity? Of course it did come from a space of genuinity. But what was the hidden agenda? The hidden agenda was hey see I am going to be there for you no matter what even at the cost of me you don't

17:04 treat me well no problem I will treat you really well now I can say the person used me of course the person did but also I chose to get used if I did not give the permission to the person saying hey walk all over me I'm going to be a doormat the person will not walk all over you so if somebody is walking all over you. Please remember unconsciously you've given them the permission to walk all over you. These are the three points. And the fourth one is you're not in your power yet. You are not in your power yet. So what does this mean?

17:54 Listen to this carefully. You attract from the frequency that you are in. If I am going to come from a frequency of I don't deserve great love. Oh, love is bad. People keep betraying. Those are the kinds of people that I am going to attract. So the whole point of you understanding all of this is you are the center of your universe. And because you are the center of your universe, don't come don't understand this in an arrogant way saying I'm going to be very cocky moving forward. No, in the most compassionate way, I am here. My energy is going out in all directions picking people, circumstances, and situations into my life. So if I don't like the people that I'm picking in my life, it's got nothing to do with the people because they're only reciprocating to

18:39 the energy that I am giving out to them. So if I really want to change the reality and if I want to change the kind of people that I'm constantly attracting in my life, I have got to go within and fix the beliefs that I have about myself and about relationships. If I'm going to feel relationships are hard, I am going to attract people who will make me feel relationships are hard. If I'm going to feel relationships are nurturing, relationships are supportive, there are going to be fights, but we're going to come back together to help each other move forward. That's exactly how that's exactly the kind of people that you will start attracting in your life. Why do I have the credibility to speak about this? 12 years been in four different relationships. Every relationship amounted to nothing but only leaving me feeling like I was worthless. Only to

19:27 realize the problem was not with them. The problem was with me. to go within and fix myself to finally attract the man who supports me, who nurtures me, and does everything that I would have wanted a man to do for me in my life. And literally, my life is transformed 180°. I'm not even the person that I am, I used to be before after I met the person I got married to. So no matter where you're stuck at this point of time in your life, please remember you can change your life altogether if you go within and change yourself. Was the process easy for me to do that? Hell no. The process was not easy for me to come face to face with the fact that I believed I was undeserving of love for almost 29 30 years. And for me to

20:13 believe that I have abandonment issues and I had to sit with myself to process all of that. It was a difficult journey. But I'll tell you that was the best thing I've ever done to myself. And all the people who you had attracted in your life who at this point of time feel like oh they're betrayers and they kind of cheated me are all blessing in disguise. Once you hit this point of you understanding how powerful and how amazing you are. You're going to be filled with gratitude because these people kind of help you understand who you truly are. So now what needs to change? What needs to change before I give you affirmation? What needs to change?

21:01 The first thing that needs to change is start with healing your inner child. Every day sit with yourself, connect with your little girl or the little boy, and start telling them that you're going to be there for them no matter what. Start telling them how amazing they are. Tell them, "I'm sorry for not taking care of you. I'm sorry for not prioritizing you. From today for the rest of my life, you will always be my first priority." Start telling that to them and reassure them. The second thing is rewire your selfworth. Every time, every decision that you make in your life, ask yourself, is this up to my standard? If it is not up to my standard, I will not do that. Initial few days, it is going to be difficult. But after that, everything will start to shift. The third one, start practicing embodiment. This is one of the best

21:47 things that you can do. What is practicing embodiment? The future version of you that feels loved, that feels empowered, that feels worthy, exists in the quantum field right now. You'll be like her or him. You'll be like her, speak like her, act like her, and you'll embody it. It's not faking it till you make it. It's more about embodying that energy. How will somebody who loves themselves draw boundaries with other people? By saying, you know, without giving explanation or without feeling guilty. Do that. Just embody that energy. And this is like having an alter ego, right? Like how Beyonce and other people have an altered ego. Similarly, you're having an alter ego which loves themsel which puts them on a pedestal, which prioritizes themsel.

22:32 Bring that energy and start embodying that. And finally, build safety and stillness. I cannot emphasize on the importance of spending time with yourself in solitude without any distraction. The reason why you're seeking any distraction when you're spending time with yourself in solitude is simply because you are uncomfortable with yourself. Because you're being uncomfortable with yourself, what ends up happening? You start to look out for your phone. I want to switch on Netflix. I want to order something on Squeaky. I want to do all of these things to kind of distract myself. But the more you learn to sit with yourself in silence, you'll be amazed to see how beautifully a divine connection is built with you and the cosmos. You have insights, you have ideas, you'll meet some incredible

23:19 people in your life who will change the entire course of your life. And I'm going to be giving you four powerful affirmations that you can start repeating to yourself every single day in order for you to change the wiring that is already there with respect to your deservability when it comes to love. If you want, you can pause and make a note of it or make a note of it on your phone. I'm just going to repeat those affirmations. The first affirmation is, I am no longer available for love that costs me my peace. I am no longer available for love that costs me my peace. Second one, I deserve a love that feels safe, steady, and soul aligned. I deserve a love that feels safe,

24:05 steady, and soul aligned. Third one, the old me attracted from wounding. The new me attracts from worth. The old me attracted from wounding and the new me attracts from worth. And the last one, I am not here to fix people. I'm here to choose myself. I am not here to fix people. I'm here to choose myself. Every day, repeat this to yourself like mantras. You'll be surprised to see how your life starts to change. And please remember, everybody comes into our life as lessons. When we going through the

24:50 lesson, it's very difficult for us to comprehend what the lesson is because the painful is very, very painful. Right? The pain is very, very painful. But then when you move ahead and when you understand how worthy you are and look back, you'll be so grateful for everybody who's crossed your life because they were actually helping you understand and align with yourself even better. So make sure you practice all of this. Make sure to share this with somebody who you truly think needs to listen to this information. And also invest your mind and invest your time and money and energy in things that will empower you, not things that kind of put your energy down. Lots of love to all of you. I'll see you in the next video.