World’s #1 Sex Expert’s Advice Every Man NEEDS!

0:00 What are the most common questions that people ask you about sex? And I'd like the ones that we don't talk about enough. So, you know, I don't know whether it's erectile dysfunction or whether it's Oh my god. Erectile dysfunction for men is women don't appreciate how having not being able to get erection or, you know, is is the biggest psychological catastrophe. Yeah. Men experience. We can't fake it. No. No. Penis envy. Who wants a penis? I certainly don't want a penis. It's all out there to see. We can fake everything. But it's really difficult for men. And I think men, I mean, we have a problem with Viagra, by the way. Viagra is a big problem because young men take Viagra because they want to have the biggest, hardest erections ever. And they're

0:46 worried about they're so performance, you know, they have so much performance anxiety because they're watching too much porn and they think that that's real. So they take Viagra because they think just this once, you know, I'll be I I just want the first time I sleep with her, I want to be really hard. And then of course, you know, eventually you stop it or try to and your girlfriend says, "Oh, this isn't, you know, you're not as hard as you normally are." And suddenly you're back on this cycle and then young women expect that that is a normal erection, which it's not. Anyone who's looked at a Viagra driven erection and a normal erection, they're completely different. And then on the other end of it, you've got older couples who, you know, we've got two problems with when you get over 50 or 60. Men have erectile dysfunction and women have, you know, dry vaginas and very, you know, the vagina basically

1:32 atrophies. So, they've solved it for men. Great. Take this pill. And suddenly you're like, you were 18 again, but you're still with this vagina that's not 18 where it's going to hurt like hell. And then the man who suddenly got the swinging penis is like, "Well, what am I supposed to do with this?" And then he goes off and cheats with somebody because he's so happy to have this this big rockard erection again. Is there a relationship between age and infidelity? Um, I'm not sure about that. I would say as in men cheating later, more likely to cheat later in life or I know that middle-aged people cheat a lot because that's when you've you've got choices. Yeah. Yeah. You've got choices. You're traveling. You've got money. It's probably easy to get away with. You're bored. you've had the kids that, you know, you've started to take everything for granted. Um, you know, things like that make people cheat. It's it's

2:19 opportunity, temptation, and and your moral code. You know, it's not to do with love. It is to do with respect, though. Red flags in relationships. The most compatible couples have compatible life goals. Something I've heard you say before. Yes. I think that is really important because it is all about it's timing is so important and and life goals. Say you've got, you know, you've got the perfect relationship now. Your girlfriend's great. Say suddenly you decided, right, I want to go off to Africa and work with pygmies for 5 years. This is my life goal. You know what's she supposed to do? Of course, it's important to have the same goals. If you've got one person who wants adventure and you like to be hiking every weekend and you know, camping, my idea of hell, they're not going to match well with somebody like

3:06 me who wants to be in a nice hotel and, you know, having lots of cocktails. You know what I mean? Like I don't mind the old camping and hiking, but do you know what I mean? Like you've got to have you got to be compatible. There's some stereotypes that still sort of exist and linger around sex and men and women being, you know, one of the ones that I was reading about in chapter six of your book is studies show it's it's not true men have a higher sex drive than women. Women have a different desire for sex, which you talked about. Studies also show it's not true that monogamy is harder for men than it is for women. We tend to think that men are the ones that cheat. Exactly. which has never made sense because if we just pretend the world for a second was do the heterosexual equation every time a man is having sex in a heterosex heterosexual world so is a woman. So you know the numbers don't quite add up would one would assert just from the

3:52 looking at the numbers that it's got to be quite close to like 50/50 to some degree. Yeah, of course. And also like if you look at the stats on who's happiest, the happiest people are single women and married men. They're the two happiest groups of people always. single women and and married men are the happiest I bet the happiest groups of people like not married women married women like end up doing all the jobs and you know married women aren't happier than single women single women are happier than married women and married men are really happy because they get everything done for them basically what role do kids play in this whole equation oh my god kids I think really make the love part better I suppose because you've created that thing but they're terrible for sex. Terrible for sex. I mean, the minute the kids come along,

4:37 you can kiss goodbye for sex for 5 years, really, really. And people freak about it and they're like, it's never going to come back. And it will come back. Of course, it will, but you know, all your energy is going to children. So, I think if you're going to have kids, you've got to accept that your sex life is going to take a backseat for a long, long time. Don't panic about it. Keep having little sexual connections that aren't necessarily including intercourse, little bite-sized pieces of sex, and you'll be fine. But don't kid yourself that it's not going to change your sex life because it will. Boy, will it. People Some people think that having kids will save the relationship. Oh god, no. It's so stressful. I don't I do not understand this. Every time I see somebody with a child, you only have to hang around children for about two seconds to realize how stressful they are. If you've already got problems in your relationship and suddenly you're going to sleepd deprive yourself, you're

5:24 going to make have somebody dependent on you 24 hours a day, how is this going to make you more, you know, happier with your husband? It doesn't even make sense to me. It might stop people leaving because of, you know, obligation, but who wants to be with somebody out of obligation? You said something that um in your work that a neuroscientist told me on this podcast, which is that after the first year, non-parents are generally happier over time than parents. It's kind of a controversial idea. It is a controversial idea, but I mean, there's a trade-off with kids. There's such a trade-off. You can never I mean and I think this I'm a stepparent. My husband has a daughter and when we're going through hustles with Sophia which she she's a little darling but also can

6:11 be a little devil let me tell you. Um he can sleep. I mean sorry I can sleep. Miles can't sleep. And when I and I lie there and I think gosh if I had given birth to Sophia if she'd been you know I wouldn't be able to sleep. There's no way that I'd be able to sleep. It's it's you are knowing that you're going to be worrying for the rest of your life once you have a kid. It's it's such a big responsibility and when you have that responsibility it mean you know you're not going to be able to do you're not selfless. You become selfless then don't you can't be selfish and have a kid. Well you can you can be a really bad parent but it's different isn't it? It's really different I'm sure. But then parents say, "Well, you're the one that's missed out because you don't have this incredible." And I have such a good relationship with my mom and my dad and and us three kids are all milling around

6:56 them. They're like 87 and 89. I'm thinking, "No one's going to do that for me. Who's going to do that for me? I have to pay for it." So, there is that. When I hear that stuff, I do do wonder if it's the term happiness is the confusing thing because, you know, a parent might say it's given me such a sense of purpose or meaning. Yeah, of course. If you ask me in a survey on a on a Tuesday how I'm feeling after staying up till [ __ ] 2 am because this kid was screaming, I'm probably more likely to report at any given moment to being less happy. But if you zoom out, there's more meaning and purpose. One might say that to to try and provide the counter argument. Um I mean how many people if you say what's the best thing you've ever done? They say having children. Yeah. Everybody says that. Yeah. And they can't all be lying. No one says a promotion at work or whatever else they say. No, they don't. So it must be, you know, not everybody says that. But I I do know mothers who say, "God, you know what? If I look back, maybe I wouldn't have done this.

7:43 But they're very brave and they tell childless women that. They never tell a woman with a child, by the way. Yeah, of course not. Yeah. Women's libido. I was reading in um in chapter six about women's libido tends to drop as as as they age, whereas men's um seems to remain fairly stable throughout the relationship. stable, but then they have the, you know, women struggle with the drop of um because menopause with all the drop of testosterone and all the, you know, test um estrogen, all those things that keep your genitals in good shape and keep your sex drive high, men's testosterone drops as well, but then they're struggling with erections. So, if you're an older man and you can get your head around that you're not going to get erections as easily as you did and it doesn't bother you, you're going to be fine. Um, if you're a woman and you

8:31 actually, you know, get all the things that are available to you, take HRT if you can. Like, there's solutions for all of this. And don't think to yourself, oh, well, we're old now. We're not going to be sexual. You'll be fine as well. But I think people panic, you know, when they hit a certain age. And there's this perception, you know, like, you know, people get I did a campaign for um Replen, which is a vaginal moisturizer, which most men blink at, and good to see you didn't. And it was all about it and had these beautiful images of um older people kissing passionately or naked from the back and and they were quite old. They and they they were the most beautiful images and so many people were threatened by that. They were really threatened because it was old people doing sexual things and it we we're not treated to that. We don't see that very often. So when somebody does that they

9:17 um yeah people freak. They don't like to think about older people having sex. So when you're old you have it already in your head. I'm not supposed to want sex anymore, which is completely untrue. And is that why you wrote a book called Great Sex Starts at 50? Yes. Because for me, that's what happened. I went through the whole of my life with a high libido. I've written about sex. I thought, "This isn't going to happen to me because I know everything about sex, of course." And then I hit like 50, no, actually, probably even before that. And suddenly I realized, I remember typing away one day and thinking, "Christ, I haven't I was single at the time. I hadn't masturbated for ages. what's going on? I haven't even thought about sex for ages. And it's the drop in hormones and you know and it's quite extraordinary to that whole spontaneous desire. I had very high spontaneous desire and

10:03 suddenly it went. So I just suddenly became like other women I suppose and suddenly it was like oh my god I see what everyone's going on about. So I thought yeah for my own sake I might write that book. And it's very good writing that book. There's a lot of solutions in there. What are some of the most important solutions for my listeners that are maybe experiencing a similar situation? Again, manage expectations. Keep having sex. That whole use it or lose it. You've got to keep having sex. That's very, very important. Um, get your head around the whole thing about that old doesn't mean that you can't be sexy. You can be, it doesn't matter what you look like, it's what you feel like. It's it's so many, many different things. And also you don't have to put I think as a society particularly English people we all put up with stuff like there are solutions for all of these things you

10:50 know like if you got a dry vagina go and get a vaginal moisturizer go and get a you know estrogen pesery there are solutions for everything that happens with menopause you don't have to sit there and just put up with it all because if you do then you won't want to have sex definitely so seek all the solutions don't be scared to to try and find solutions to all these things because they really are out there change your headset you And the women, it's interesting that they did a a big thing about what really influences women's desire post menopause. And it wasn't menopause. It was your attitude to sex. If you'd always loved sex and you wanted sex to continue, you you found the solutions and you kept on having great sex. If you were never that keen, it's like, oh, actually, you know what? Here we go. An obstacle. What a great sol

11:36 what a great sort of excuse to never have sex again. So its attitude was way more important to how good the sex was after menopause. Nothing to do with menopause. It seems again like the one of the foundations behind all of this that's kind of hiding in the back room when it as it relates to people's libido and their attitudes to sex is that kind of childhood experiences we talked about which is super tricky to unpack and even become aware of. And we all have our own childhood experiences of sex, intimacy, relationships, some cases in the worst cases abuse and all of those things. terrible that we need to find a way to overcome first or address first before we can even That's right. have a and I mean particularly for men often their first experience childhood experience of sex is being caught masturbating and how the parent deals with that is

12:22 very formative because if it's like absolutely what are you doing you know like do you it's really filthy it's dirty it's like what are you doing then they are going to continue to masturbate because pretty much they do but they're going to try and do it faster and faster and faster. So every time they masturbate, they're going to be trying to get it down to as quick as possible time so that they don't get in trouble again and then they end up with rapid ejaculation. They can last two seconds before they ejaculate. So that's affected their sex life in a in a purely physical way. It sets us up in so many different ways. Our childhood, you know, and I mean I was lucky to grow up in a household where I don't know why our household was like that, but we just talked about sex openly. I suppose my sister worked for family planning which helped, but that was later. So I don't know. My mom and my dad were really cool talking about sex and things and so I

13:08 grew up thinking, "Oh, yeah, all households are like that, but they're not. It's an unknown unknown." So, how do you go about even solving for those things? I guess you have to go to therapy and start unpacking it. Yeah. Or just unpack it yourself. You have to just think about You don't necessarily have to go to therapy. There's so much I mean, the joy of the internet is there's so much online that you can do. If you typed in, you know, I don't like sex as my parents, you know, taught me. There's there's a book called Sex Smart, actually, which is very good about childhoods. Sex. Sex smart. It's called Sex Smart. Okay. Yeah. you can still buy. It's an old book, but it it sort of delves into all of this. And yeah, I mean, I think I'm so pro therapy. I think everybody should go to therapy. No one has a perfect childhood. In fact, having a perfect childhood can also set you up for things. So, you know, if we if we have a problem, if you have a problem with sex, you know, going to see a really good sex

13:54 therapist is could sort it out very quickly. So, don't leave it too late. I work out and I can't even pick all these books up. This isn't even all the books, is it? No. So you got hot relationships, how to have one, great sex starts at 50. The sex doctor, fix your love life fast, hot sex, how how to do it. We've got dare to see. Oh, that looks very uh Fifty Shades. This is a bit more hot. More hot sex. Okay. Would um would like to meet? Yeah, that was a TV show I did about dating. Oh, yes. Okay, with that you there's there's a question there I should ask because I'm thinking again about a friend that's just popped to mind. Is there something going on with male

14:39 and female dating in terms of it becoming more difficult in the modern day and age? There's some stats that one of my podcast guests shared about how women are um having less children and they're finding it more difficult to date and to find a compatible male in the modern way that society is designed. And I've got friends that are, you know, around that sort of mid late30s range that are really really really struggling in the modern world. It's almost I almost men or women or both? Women. I almost suspect that um I actually don't have that many friends that are in that that region that aren't. Um but it's almost like there's a generation almost caught in a gap where you're Gen Z native to social media, the internet, you know, that's the where they grew up. And then maybe the older generation already already partnered off because you know they met

15:25 someone at church or and you got this generation who were caught in the gap. Are they all high achieving women? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. That's the problem. So what happens is you get and this is why there are more and more single women now because more and more women are high achieving. So they're not like looking for a husband straight away. when you've got a big gene pool of people to, you know, like when you come out of uni or even before you go into uni because lots of people meet at uni and stay together, you've got this big, you know, like numbers game, you've got loads of women single, loads of men single, and you sort of all hook up. And if your motivation is to get married and have kids, and that's your only motivation, you're going to find a partner early and that's it. You job done, keep going, right? Assuming it all goes well. But if your motivation isn't necessarily that, if you want to go on to university, you know, get your career sorted and then

16:11 turn around and have kids like at 30, okay, right now achieved, I'm at the past, you know, where I want to have kids, but and I can take a bit of a break here and and then suddenly where is he? Well, he's not there because he's already been taken up everybody else. And men traditionally don't like dating high achieving women unless they're high achieving themselves. and the amount of high achieving women is getting higher and the amount of high achieving men is getting lower. So you've got even less of a pool to choose from. So the answer for the women is to think outside the square and think right okay do I really need the guy who's got the degree because women high achieving women like to go for high achieving men. So you need statistically it's just generally what happens isn't it you if I've got a degree I want somebody else who's got a degree. So

16:56 then you have to change your wish list a little bit and think, okay, I'm going to, you know, look in a I'm I'm not going to be as rigid with my, you know, musthaves and perhaps, you know, think about things like, well, does it really matter how much he earns if I'm already earning lots of money? You know, isn't kindness, you know, generosity, sense of humor, attractiveness, you know, just general chemistry, isn't that isn't that enough? So if you go for those qualities, you end up a lot better off and end up happier as well. Is that against our innate wiring? Because you know, some people sometimes say that men care less about the financial resources of their partner. Um, so does that kind of go for me? If I'm a if I'm a woman and I'm looking for

17:42 u a partner, am I going to look for someone who is kind of up and to the right or probably? But that doesn't necessarily work. See, for me, that didn't work because if I'm I'm like very alpha female, so whenever I went out with an alpha male, we were just like hated each other. I'm the boss. No, I'm the boss. No, [ __ ] it off now. I'm controlling you. No, you know, no, it didn't work at all. Didn't work at all. Very competitive. I'm too competitive. they were too competitive. That didn't work. So, so I've got I mean my partner is really proud of me. He's not at all um threatened threatened in the slightest by any success any success I've had. He's my biggest proudest supporter. He and and we work differently like you know if if

18:30 my thing is to you know um if you know I make more money than him, he doesn't mind me saying that cuz he's he's fine with it. And so if I've got more money that's great. So therefore, you know, if he's got more time than me to do the traditional female things, then he's fine with that. And then sometime other times I'll do it. And you know, he assumes the male role. So it's very um you know, we're comfortable with each other. We we you know, we don't care care that I tick the male boxes in some roles and he ticks the female boxes and it works very well. And I think you have to I think that's hopefully where we're headed. But there is there are sometimes where I mean I know I know I'm not typical with females. I know that a lot of women, you know, won't go out with a man unless he makes a lot of money. Particularly if they make a lot of money. They won't. I've never been like

19:16 that. I've never been get their money. It's make my if I want money, I'll make it myself. Thanks. I don't want to have someone else's money. That's not mine. So, I do think it's a big problem for women and men. And I think we both have to, especially women, have to stop being so rigid with that, you know, and have expect the man to provide. And I think men have to stop being so feeling emasculated if it if it's the woman who's owning more. So what? Who cares? As long as someone's got some money somewhere along the line, who cares which one? If you love the D CEO brand and you watch this channel, please do me a huge favor. Become part of the 15% of the viewers on this channel that have hit the subscribe button. It helps us tremendously and the bigger the channel gets, the bigger the guests.