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0:00 - Ever feel like your teenagers just tune you out? You tell them to clean their room, and they mumble, I'll do it later. But they never actually do it. Or maybe you try to give them advice, and they say, you don't understand. Sound familiar? If so, you're not alone. Many parents feel like what they say to their teens goes in one ear and out the other. This can be really frustrating, especially when all you want is what's best for your teens. But here's the thing. If the only time you engage with your teens is when you're correcting them, they'll start to tune you out. They'll feel as if you're always there to point out what they're doing wrong. And the more they feel like they're constantly being criticized, the less likely they are to open up to you about what's really going on in their lives.
0:45 So, what's the solution? Build a connection with your teens outside of conflict. When you invest in the relationship, your words start to carry more weight. So in this video, I'll show you exactly how to do that. I'm Daniel Wong. I'm a teen coach, and I specialize in helping teens to thrive. I'm a parent of three children myself, so I know how easy it is to spot the many shortcomings your children have. So it's instinctive for parents to say things like this to their teens: Why are you always on your phone? Have you done your homework yet? You need to be more responsible. Now, don't get me wrong. It's important to set expectations and hold your teens accountable. But if these are the only types of interactions you're having with your teens, they're gonna start avoiding you. Imagine if you had a boss who only talks to you
1:32 when you make mistakes. Imagine if this boss only criticizes you and never gives you any encouragement or affirmation. You would start dreading every conversation, right? The same thing happens with teens. Over time, they begin to associate you with criticism. Even when you have something positive to say, they're already on the defensive, bracing for another lecture. Eventually, they stop listening altogether. The research backs this up. Studies conducted by Dr. Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist who specializes in teen development, found that teens are far more likely to be receptive to guidance when they feel emotionally connected to their parents. But if they associate their parents primarily with criticism, they instinctively shut down.
2:18 This is because teenagers are at a stage where they're developing their identity, and when they feel like their autonomy is being threatened, they resist. Not because they want to be defiant, but because they want to feel in control of their lives. Dr. Kim D. Gregson has also conducted research about how the parenting emotional climate affects how receptive teens are to their parents' advice and coaching. As you might expect, Dr. Gregson found that if the parenting emotional climate is characterized by warmth and low conflict, then teens are more receptive to what their parents have to say. So, what's the key shift in the approach you should take as a parent? This phrase sums it up: Connection before correction. Think about the people you listen to in your life.
3:05 You probably don't just take advice from anyone, but when someone you trust gives you advice, you take it seriously. This person might be a close friend, a mentor, or someone who understands you well. It's a similar situation with your teens. They listen to the people they feel connected to. If you want to influence your teens, you need to build a connection with them first. The best way to do this is to engage with them outside of moments of conflict. When the relationship is built on more than rules and expectations, your guidance will feel more supportive rather than controlling. If you're finding this video helpful so far, please click the like button. And please subscribe to my YouTube channel so you don't miss out on future videos about helping teens to thrive. So, how do you build a connection
3:51 that makes your teens more likely to listen to you? Here are some strategies I recommend. Strategy number one. Spend time together doing things your teens enjoy. Many parents try to bond with their teens on their own terms. But if you want to strengthen the relationship, you need to meet them where they are. Instead of saying, hey, let's talk, try something like: I know you love basketball. Want to shoot some hoops together? I saw this new game you might like. Do you want to play a round together? Hey, I know you're watching this show. The new episode comes out tonight. Do you want to watch it together? Of course, it's still possible that your teens will turn you down. But when you engage with your teens in their world, it shows them that you genuinely care about who they are, not just what they do.
4:37 Even if your teens' hobbies seem like a waste of time to you, they're deeply meaningful to your teens. When you show curiosity about what they're passionate about or interested in, they feel seen and valued. This simple shift alone can make a huge difference in the relationship. Strategy number two. Have casual, pressure-free conversations. Not every conversation you have with your teens needs to be about a life lesson. So, try to talk about some random things. You could say something like: Have you seen that new dance that's trending on social media? Any movies you're planning to watch? Do you have a favorite song or band at the moment? These low-pressure conversations make it easier for your teen to want to talk to you. Strategy number three.
5:23 Intentionally create positive interactions. Here are a few ways to do this: Surprise your teens with something small they'll enjoy. This could be their favorite snack or a small gift related to their hobby. Celebrate your teens' wins. This applies to even small wins. For example, you might say: I noticed you've been working hard on your art project lately. I can see you're really making progress. Use humor. Laugh together with your teens. Share funny memes, jokes, or stories. The more positive experiences your teens associate with you, the more likely they are to want to talk to you. When you build a connection with your teens, they start to see you as someone who truly understands them. And when that happens, they become far more open to your guidance and advice.
6:10 It's not about controlling them. It's about influencing them through a relationship built on trust. And when you prioritize connection before correction, that's exactly what happens. I have a question Does your teen sometimes lack motivation? If so, I have a resource for you. It's this free ebook I've written, entitled: "16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager." Visit daniel-wong.com/ebook to download the ebook today. I've also included the download link in the description below. And here's this other video I've created about the best way to discipline your teenager. In the video, you'll learn the simple approach that always works. You'll find this video useful, so watch it next.
