0:00 I was diagnosed with ASD level one, which means that uh compared to other people on the autism spectrum, I have lower support needs. And compared to like autistic or neurotypical people, I have substantially more support needs. And I've seen like a lot of conversation online recently where people who may not fully understand what um low support needs autism looks like um or they might not understand like exactly what it means. And I will be honest, I've seen a lot of this coming
0:45 from um parents of higher support needs autistic children. Um, not only those people, but I've seen a lot of this conversation coming from them where to sum it up, they're saying that like level or ASD level one or lower support needs autism, it shouldn't be in the same category as autism. Um, or that it's not real autism or that um it it shouldn't be considered a disability. And I it's kind of hard because I can try to see like all the perspectives in this and I can see that like okay
1:31 um I can see where they're coming from but at the same time the place that they're coming from isn't based in in facts. it's not based in reality and I think it's just their own um view or should I add their own abbleist view of what level one autism actually looks like. And the truth is that there isn't one specific look to ASD level one just as there isn't one specific look to anyone on the autism spectrum. And we're all different. And in this video today, I wanted to kind of talk about how ASD level one presents for me. Um, before I go any further, I want to
2:17 start by saying that uh this is not to be used as a diagnostic tool. Um, obviously I'm not a medical professional. I'm just an autistic person. talking about my experience and uh sharing things that I've learned about myself and how it relates to autism. Uh this is forformational purposes only. Um and if you relate to some of these things, it doesn't necessarily mean you're autistic. And if you don't relate to these things, it doesn't mean that you're not autistic. This is literally just me sharing about my experience and what I've learned about myself and how um the challenges that I have in this life uh relates to uh my diagnosis of
3:05 autism spectrum level one. And I I want to make this video in an effort to just kind of like educate people that um a lot of the a lot of the um disabling aspects of my autism and I think for a lot of lower support needs and or high masking autistic folks aren't necessarily visible from someone looking on the outside in. Um, especially strangers who might not really know that person fully. Especially people on the internet who see one video and are super dismissive and super abbleist and super just like um judgmental uh and and not
3:54 being able to see the full picture clearly. So, let's just go ahead and get started. Oh, and another thing, too, is that this is not an exhaustive list. Um, there's so many different things that make me autistic and that I realize now that I'm like, "Oh, that has to do with my autism. I'm the way that I am in this way because of my autism." But these are just kind of the the main things. And I actually did make a let me pull it up. I made a uh an Instagram uh infographic about this. Um, and so if you want to see it more visually written out, I definitely recommend going to my Instagram and looking at that infographic. So, let's
4:40 just go ahead and get started. The first thing on my list is challenges with socializing. I find socializing to be not just like foreign to me, but also like really exhausting for me. Um, I don't get much out of socializing. I don't um I don't get that like fulfilled feeling from socializing that I think a lot of very extroverted um and definitely that some neurotypical people get from socializing. Um, I find it to be awkward. I find that I have to use a lot of brain power that I might
5:29 not necessarily have. Um, I find that it just it's hard for me to socialize if I don't see a point to it. And a lot of times I don't. And I'll be honest, I find that for me in order to like do something social, there has to be like some sort of net benefit that comes out of that social interaction. And that doesn't mean that I have to personally benefit from that social interaction. It just means that there has to be like something accomplished from that social interaction. Whether it is like um like a a business social interaction or maybe it's like um seeing a family member I haven't seen in a while or um maybe it is like actually having a really deep
6:15 conversation with someone. Those are just some examples where I'm like, "Yeah, I would want to partake in that social interaction." Um, but if it's just like socializing just to be social, just to like go have fun, like I don't find that fun. I don't find that entertaining. Um, and I actually find it to be really exhausting. And when I socialize, it like I said, it requires a lot of brain power and effort and energy that a lot of times I just don't have. And so afterwards, I will feel like really drained and really tired and just like fatigued. And in the past, I I wouldn't really know like why I was so tired for days after doing something social. And and I
7:02 realize it now. Um, the other thing with socializing is um it it it just like it's it's not an enjoyable thing for me and I don't know how to say that any other way. Um, there are, like I said, some occasions where I would find it enjoyable if it's like actually having a deep conversation or or getting to know someone um on a deeper level. but just like the way that I feel like socializing is in this society. Um I I don't want anything to do with it. And um it it it's really hard to describe like why it is so exhausting. I think
7:48 part of it is the sensory challenges, especially if it's in like a over stimulating environment. It's hard to process what the other person is saying. it's hard to uh um like understand what they mean if there's like uh things that are left unsaid. Um so yeah, like socializing is hard for me and I can put on a mask and I can like smile and like be like, "Oh yeah, haha." But like that's fake and that's that's hard. And that kind of leads me to the next way that um uh a autism spectrum disorder level one presents for me. And that is that I
8:34 have masked a lot of my life. Um masking means like I camouflaged the different parts about me to try to fit in. And I think I did a lot of this uh subconsciously when I was younger because I kind of like internalized the fact that I'm different. Being different is bad. You're not supposed to be different. And I like I literally would watch YouTube videos and movies and I'd listen to podcasts not for entertainment, not for education, but with the sole purpose of trying to understand how to have a like normal conversation. Um, and I guess that that's one form of
9:19 masking. Uh, and masking is really exhausting because you're putting on this front. Your your brain always has to be on and you have to constantly push aside your natural tendencies and and the authentic way that you are to um almost like put on an act. That's what it is. It's putting on an act to try to like pretend that you're neurotypical. Um, and I I I did a lot of this without even realizing it when I was younger. And I attribute a lot of like my burnout and the depression that I had as a teenager and the self-esteem issues that I had to masking. Um, now that I understand my autism
10:05 better, I feel like I do definitely mask less. Um, but sometimes it just happens out of habit or like out of a need to like feel safe in certain situations that are new for me. Um, cuz like I'll be honest, like sometimes in like a a new setting where I I I don't understand the people. I don't understand um like I guess I'm not like used to the new environment. It sometimes feels safer to mask just to like try to get by. But then again, just as with socializing, it leads to this like really incredible amount of fatigue and exhaustion. Um, so just because like I can mask and
10:51 I can I guess like sort of pretend I'm not autistic to an extent, which I kind of realized I wasn't ever really good at that. Um, and just because I can do that to a point, it doesn't mean that I should. it doesn't mean that it's good for me. And it's there there's like a huge mental toll and mental health toll that masking takes on an autistic person. And I definitely know that firsthand. Um the next way that um being a low support needs autistic person presents for me is having sensory challenges. I find that um like my biggest sensory trigger is
11:37 smell. I've always been overwhelmed by smells for like literally as long as I can remember. Um like my mom would put on lotion in the car and I would I I I would get really irritable and really cranky and I didn't know why. It's because I was over stimulated. Um I I can't stand a lot of smells even if they're like super faint. They're really distracting. They overwhelm my senses. It's the only thing I can focus on. If if if there's a smell in the environment that I don't like. Um, and if I'm already having like a rough day, it could definitely send me over the edge. It could push me to having a shutdown where I can't speak. Um, where I lay frozen on the floor.
12:26 Um some other sensory challenges for me are um different types of lighting like um like bright LED or fluorescent lights especially like overhead lights um like in office spaces or grocery stores or like even like doctor's offices. I hate it. I can't stand it. Uh, not only does it like feel like I'm getting a headache, it it's it's super distracting. And I would even go to say that a lot of the um the discomfort from these different uh from uh sensory overload from these different things is is it's it's actually like quite painful. Not just in
13:11 my body, but like in my brain, too. And it's hard to describe. And it's not just like a cute little quirky like, oh, I'm over stimulated. Haha. It's like, no, I'm I'm over I'm overstimulated. Um, I can't think straight. I feel extremely irritable. Um, I might have a shutdown any second now. Uh, I also have issues with certain like fabrics or textures. Um, soft touch. Can't stand soft touch. Um, I feel like those are like my main sensory triggers. Uh, and definitely sounds like um background ambient sound. Uh, it really makes it hard to like decipher if I'm having a conversation like what that
13:57 person is saying. It's hard to like make out their voice from all the other sounds. And then like um like sudden loud sounds. One thing that like really sets me off is in grocery stores when you like pull the cart out of like where all the carts are like stacked up and then like the little flap comes down and it hits really loud. I hate that. I always like pull it out really soft to like put my hand there to like let it fall really slowly. Um so like any sudden loud sound. we live on a a a street that um usually actually doesn't bother me, like the regular traffic noise, but when like a loud truck or a motorcycle goes by, um I can't stand that either. Or like when uh my dog when
14:43 he hears a sound and he starts barking. So like sudden loud sounds is another thing. And I feel like those are like the main sensory triggers for me. Of course, there's like some other ones, but those are like the main ones that h I can't stand them. And like I said, like these sensory issues, it's not it's not just like a little bit annoying. It's not just like, oh, um, I can try to like distract myself from it. No, it it it takes over my body in this way that is like really uncomfortable and really painful and it it can make it hard to be in certain environments. It can make it hard to um to like even to just go out into the
15:30 world sometimes and I I've learned to use certain accommodations for these things and those definitely help but without those accommodations like I wouldn't be able to do it. Um then there's like the other side of it where because I am so sensory sensitive. Um I also experience this thing called sensory joy. Um the only way I could describe this is like a a full body ecstatic experience. Some of the things that help me experience the sensory joy are um like watching a river or a stream flow or even like watching watching waves crash on the shore. I could sit and stare at moving water for hours for hours and not get bored of it. Um even
16:19 like listening to music, it's like a a full body brain and body massage. Um, and I think part of that too is also like I experience senesthesia where um it's kind of like my senses are mixed. Like I when I listen to music, I can see the music and colors and patterns and shapes. Um, kind of going along with sesthesia also like like days of the week, they've got a color to them. Numbers, they've got a color to them. Um, months of the year, they've got a color to them. like I think it's kind of like how my brain um processes like this information like organizes it. So, um those are like kind of like the cool aspects of the sensory sensitivities, but don't get me wrong,
17:06 um a lot of the time it's really overwhelming. So, um the next thing on my list is I have a very rigid very rigid thinking style. I would describe myself as an extremely rigid person. Um, and I always thought growing up before I knew I was autistic, I always thought this was like OCD. Um, and there's definitely like some obsessive tendencies there, but it's it's not all the way OCD. um the fact that there's not always like compulsions, it's more just like really obsessive rumination and proveration. Um my brain often gets
17:53 stuck on certain things. Um and it could be like the things that make me anxious that it would get stuck on. Um but it also gets stuck on like the more positive things like the things that I'm interested in. Um my my brain gets stuck on if there's like a change, it gets stuck on that. If there's like something uh that I see that like feels like morally wrong, it will get stuck on that too. Um, it just it gets stuck a lot and I it's hard to describe like this feeling of being stuck other than it's like my brain is focused on one thing, one thing only. And no matter
18:41 what I do, I can't get off that topic, no matter how hard I try. Um, this is also hard because like we all know that the world is always changing. It's it's a fact of life. Everything is always changing and I have a hard time with change. I usually do like the same things every single day. Uh, I pretty much do the same routine every single day because it helps me feel grounded and regulated and it helps me just feel like safe in this world where things are always
19:27 changing. And so when there's any sort of like deviation from my routine or when there's something that happens that disrupts my routine, it's really hard for me. and it feels like my nervous system like is about to explode. Um, I also have a hard time like changing my mind about things. Um I think that this rigidity shows up in like all areas of my life whether it is like routine in my routine or whether it's like um my interests. I have very
20:14 limited amount of interests but I'm super passionate about those interests. Um, and it I don't think in itself it's necessarily like a bad thing, but I think just the fact that the world that we live in, like I said, is always changing and it's always evolving. And that's what makes it hard because even though my brain wants everything to like stay in this perfect form, this perfect structure all the time it can't it it doesn't and it never will. So, um I've definitely learned like coping strategies to like try to help
21:00 this, but at the end of the day, like I also have to accept the fact that this is just the way that my brain works. And um acceptance is a huge piece of that. Like accepting the fact that it will be overwhelming when there's a big change as opposed to like trying to change the fact that my brain works this way because I can't do that. Um and so I mentioned like limited interests. Uh, I feel like someone who doesn't really get it would look in on my life and think that my life is is super boring because like I said, I do the same things every day and I I'm not interested in a lot of things. Um, but the things that I am interested in it it it's like my whole world. Um,
21:49 and we've heard these called like special interests. Um, and I would say these things are like weather. I love weather. I love storms. I love clouds. I love rain. I love snow. Um, and this kind of goes along with nature as well. Um, this the second one would be the gym and fitness and weightlifting. Uh, I've been so passionate about that like literally ever since I was a child. Um, and then the uh last special interest that I would describe myself as having is music. Um, especially this especially when I was younger. Um, now I
22:38 I love music a lot and I love it so much. Um, I I don't really have like the time to do as much with it, but like when I was younger, I would DJ. I would make my own music. I would This This is kind of funny. I would listen to the radio. I have like this very vivid me very vivid memory of me listening to the radio and I would have a binder full of different pages and after every song that they would play, I'd write it down. I could do that for hours and then I would um go and like download that music and then I would like pretend to be like have a radio station. Um for actually a long time in
23:24 my childhood, I wanted to be a radio DJ because I loved music so much and I loved like playing different songs and finding different music. Um, and I I also have this other vivid memory of like people they would ask me, they would like quiz me on different songs like um they play a song and I'd be like, "Oh yeah, this is artist and title and the next song artist and I could go on and on and on and on without missing any of them." Um, so yeah, th those are the three things that definitely like bring me a lot of joy in my life. And um, other than those things, like there's not much else that I'm like interested in. And I I guess kind of like a difference between um special
24:11 interests and like a hobby that like a neurotypical person would have is um like I think about these things all the time. There's there's not a point in my day where I'm not thinking about weather or storms or nature, the gym or fitness or lifting or like music or like um like a new song that's coming out or a song that I've been like hyperfixated on. I'm always thinking about one of those three things like all the time. And um kind of going back to like my rigid thinking style, um my brain does get stuck on these things as well, which
24:56 isn't necessarily a bad thing. Uh the part where it does get a little challenging is like when there are other tasks that need to be done. Um when there are things that require me to put my attention there as opposed to here. Um and uh transitioning into those things is also really hard. That's one thing that I also missed with the uh the rigid thinking style I need for routine is because I do get like so hyperfixated on things. Um transitioning is really hard. Um switching tasks is really hard. And I guess that kind of goes along with the next thing I have on my list which is like executive functioning challenges. So I'll just kind of go into that. Um, e
25:44 executive functioning is like going about those like just like daily tasks. Um, doing the things that we need to do in order to survive, in order to um just get by dayto-day has to do a lot with like organizing and planning and time management. Um, uh, initiating tasks, getting things done, things like that. And this one's kind of interesting for me because I have sort of like subconsciously without even or I guess unconsciously without even thinking about it been able to overcome a lot of my executive functioning challenges. Like for example, I make a list. I love
26:29 lists. instead of like using a calendar for my everyday things, which I use a calendar for like my appointments and and different things going on each day, but like on a much smaller scale. Each day on my notes app on my phone, I do I call it my organization list and I have like Monday and then I have everything that I'm doing that day listed with a bullet point so I could check it off as I go and Tuesday check it off as I go. Um, and this really helps me uh stay organized. It helps me like follow a structure which I really like. Um, and like each little check mark gives this just like little boost of dopamine every time I I get something accomplished. So, it's kind of like I have almost set up
27:15 my life in a way to like overcome a lot of these sensory or not sensory, a lot of these executive functioning challenges. So, here's where I do have executive functioning challenges. Um if I'm already like at capacity, if I was in an overstimulating environment or if I was socializing and I didn't have the capacity to socialize, I feel like probably like 80 or 90% of the time, the following day after that thing or even that night or whenever whenever that thing happened afterwards, I have such a hard time initiating tasks. And it's not that I lack the
28:02 motivation. It's not that I lack the willpower. It's like I literally lose the ability to do certain things. And it's like there's this there's like this um this thought and this like motivation in my mind like, okay, I need to get out of bed. and I'll just say I need to get out of bed and I need to go brush my teeth, right? And it's like the thought is there and then there's like there's a missing link between the thought and then the ability to be able to like get my body to like actually get
28:47 up um walk over here and do this task. And it's I want to make that um distinction that it it is not always a choice. Um and I think that people who don't struggle with this won't understand. They'll be like just do it. Like um it's it's not that hard. But what people don't understand is it's like there's literally like something missing. And and I wish I knew like sort of like the neuroscience behind this. It'd be really interesting. And I might actually look that up later because I'm curious about that. Like like why can I have like this thought to do this thing and then there's like absolutely no way I can get my body to go do this thing. Um and so
29:34 that's what makes it hard on those days where I'm already at capacity where my brain has like no power to do these things. Luckily, the way I've set up my life and with my lifestyle, it doesn't happen that often. Um, but there are days where um certain things that should be like really easy are incredibly challenging, if not impossible. Um, I've kind of been able [Music] to prepare beforehand for these things by taking um, no demand days or like rest days where I have nothing on the agenda where I could just flow with what
30:20 I need to do that day. Sometimes it is staying in bed all day. Sometimes it is letting myself just like fully indulge in my special interests. Um, and that really helps to work as like a preventative, but sometimes those days do creep up on me. And uh this kind of goes back to like the acceptance piece where in the past I would be so hard on myself. I would try and try and try to push through it which only led to me having a prolonged period of that um the overwhelm that the challenges with executive functioning where now if I'm having one of those days I feel like I'm able to realize like okay there's nothing I could do about this right now. nearly everything on my to-do list, it
31:06 can wait at least a day. And so, I'm just going to uh try my best today. And if my best is literally laying in bed all day, then that's all I can do. So, um that's how like executive functioning challenges present for me. Um, when it comes to like time management, I also have like because of the way I structure my day, I feel like I have a pretty good time or pretty good a pretty easy time with time management. Um, but then again, like if if I'm not in my routine, if I don't have the structure that I usually have, that's when things also get really challenging
31:52 for me because it's different. It's new. Um, because going back to like my my rigid brain, it's not what I'm used to. And so, I don't know what to expect. And it's just like everything just feels chaotic uh when that happens. Okay, this is a lot of talking and this is this is a really long video. So, if you're still watching, thank you. Um, and my shirt keeps falling down cuz this microphone is really heavy and it's really uncomfortable when it when it hangs down like that. So, that's why I keep fixing it. Um, we're almost done here. Uh, the next thing is delayed processing. This shows up in a few different ways. Uh, it could show up in like social
32:38 conversations. If someone says something, it sometimes takes me a few seconds to respond. And even then, my response might not be fully thought out because there's often times where it takes me at least a day, maybe a week, maybe even months to like fully process something that happened in a social conversation where I realize, oh, okay, that's what that person meant. Not my initial thought of what they meant. Like after thinking about it and processing it, I can be like, oh, okay, that's what they meant. and like why did I respond that way? I should have responded in a different way. Um especially if it's more like a more challenging conversation or a more
33:24 difficult conversation. Um I also have delayed processing when it comes to my emotions. Like I experience emotions to an extreme degree. This this goes back to me like being really sensitive with things, but it's it's often hard to like figure out what my body is telling me based on the emotion and trying to like put words to it and trying to figure out like what the emotion actually is. And a lot of times this will take weeks or months to like fully process an emotion.
34:11 Um, and this this makes it hard because like I think this also like relates to like my brain getting stuck on certain things. Like this makes it hard because we live in such a fast-paced society where there's often not room for pauses and processing. And it makes it hard because I get stuck on these like really heavy and challenging emotions and I I sometimes have a hard way like finding my way through them. Um, and I'm learning that it's okay if I can't like necessarily put to words what I'm feeling or if I can't like fully identify what I'm feeling, but if I can
34:56 just like try to like sit with that feeling, um, like whatever that bodily sensation is, like let's say like there there's some pent up anger. Um, I usually I feel anger like right here. Um, and it feels hot and it feels like fiery. Um, and instead of like being able to like try to identify this is anger, this is why I feel angry, this is what I should do about it, instead just like sitting with that feeling, even though it's really hard, I find that a lot of times the emotions just want to be felt as opposed to like thought through. Um, so that's one way that that helps me with that. I'm not sure if that's helpful for you. Um, okay, we're almost done. The
35:42 next thing is like stmming. Stmming is like a way that autistic people like autoregulate or self-regulate. Um, you probably recognize it from like the more stereotypical types of like uh people like flapping their hands. Um, rocking back and forth. Um, I mean, all it does is it it it feels really it feels really soothing. And a lot of times I do it without even like thinking about it, especially if I'm in like an overwhelming environment or an uncomfortable situation. Um, some of the ways that I stem, I always like play with my hands. Um, I like to like do this. It sounds really cool. It looks really cool and it like
36:27 feels good on my fingers. Um, or like kind of like making fists with my hands. I also have like double-jointed thumbs. I used to do this like all the time when I was a kid. This is like one way I would stem. I would like pop my thumbs back and forth. Um, also like um I hum a lot if if I'm I find that I I think humming is one of my more subtle stems that I've sort of like learned to do as I uh learned to mask when I was younger. Um, and that it it it's really soothing. Um, and then echol echalia is like repeating words or
37:13 phrases. And I do that all the time at home. I I do my best to like not do that when I'm out in public. And that's another form of masking. Um, but when I'm at home, like it's all I do. And you can ask Nikki. Um, I'll just like come up with like random words or phrases and it's just like it feels really good on my throat for some reason and I just I can't stop saying it. I can't stop repeating it. Um even like singing like little snippets of songs like the same snippet of the song. Um, I feel like for me that's a form of stmming also. So,
38:00 um yeah, the the way I stem I feel like it's definitely more subtle than like some very obvious uh stems, but uh nonetheless, it it helps me regulate. It helps me focus uh when I need to. Uh and it's just like it's soothing um especially when I'm in those those overwhelming situations. The next thing I have on this list, which I realized I forgot to include on the Instagram Instagram or Instagram infographic that I made, is that I'm really, really, really clumsy. And I never knew that this was because of my autism. But when I got my um autism diagnosis, the neurosychologist like
38:45 actually like tested me on these things. Um she had me like walk in a straight line, which like I couldn't do. I could not walk in a straight line with my eyes closed. Um she also had like a pin board where I had to put the pens in. Um and I think I I did pretty good at that, but I went like really slowly, she said. Um, and I did drop a few of those, too. Um, I'm always always accidentally hurting myself, whether it's like running into counters or stubbing my toe or like running into the wall. Um I I always have at least like one bruise or scrape on me from accidentally
39:31 uh hurting myself in a way that would have been easily preventable except for the fact that I have very poor spatial awareness and um bodily like spatial awareness. Uh and I also I'm always spilling water on myself at least at least once a day. um where like I'll I'll miss my mouth just like by a little bit and it'll spill down me which then sensory wise overwhelms me. Um so yeah, I'm definitely very clumsy because of my autism as well. Um, and then a few other things that kind of like relate back to everything else on this list is I I also have generalized anxiety disorder and I've
40:18 had anxiety looking back like literally as long back as I can remember. Um, and when I got when I was when I was being assessed for autism, um, or when I, uh, when she like gave me like the, uh, the report with like my with the findings, um, she diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder, which I've already been diagnosed by um, like therapists and and psych psychiatrists before, but she made it very clear that like I probably wouldn't have that anxiety if I wasn't autistic. And it it made a lot of sense because I tried so many things throughout my teenage years
41:04 and and early adulthood where like I would do so many different things to try to ease this anxiety and try to get rid of this anxiety. And I realize now that like I'm just an anxious person. That's who I am. there's like literally nothing I can do about it because like because of my rigidity, um because of my sensory issues, because of my need for my routine, um just so many of like the aspects of my autism contribute to my anxiety. And so I realize now that instead of just like trying to get rid of the anxiety itself, the key is acceptance. It's a kind of a common theme throughout what I'm sharing today is it's like I'm I'm
41:52 an anxious person and now I accept that my anxiety is just a part of me. It's it's who I am. There's not much I can do to get rid of it. There's definitely some strategies and tools I can do to ease it a little bit, but um I got to stop trying to work against it and instead like work with it and just understand like it's okay. It's it's just anxiety. It's okay. Um, and another part of that too is like my mind I feel like my mind never stops. I'm always like analyzing things in my environment. I'm always curious about things. I'm always asking Google or chatgpt a question because I always have questions that need answered. I
42:38 can't stand having a question that goes unanswered because I need to know. I need to know everything about everything. Um, and if there's something I don't understand, I will spend as long as it takes to understand that thing. Um, which helps me be smart. It helps me um, learn a lot about a lot of things, but then also there's a time and place for that. And sometimes it can be really distracting. And it also relates back to like me proceverating and getting stuck on certain things. Um, I think that that kind of covers it all. Um, like I said, this is a non-exhaustive list. Of course, there's many other things that um,
43:24 uh, are challenges or just like different ways that autism shows up for me in my life. But these are like the main things that I've been able to identify at least at this point in my life. Um and so a a lot of these things you wouldn't necessarily be able to tell they're even happening unless like you like really know me. Um, and this is why it's so important that we we don't judge people period. Like obviously we shouldn't judge anyone, but like especially without even knowing someone.
44:10 Um I personally I consider my autism to be disabling for me because a lot of these things affect like every aspect of my life and and and I need certain accommodations to um be able to do certain things in my life and I need different like workarounds to be able to do certain things in my life. It's not as easy um as it might appear just by looking at at me from the outside. Um and so invisible disabilities exist and it's not just autism. There's many others that you might not be able to tell that someone is struggling. You might not be able to tell that someone has a disability. But like just because you
44:56 can't see it or just because you don't understand it doesn't mean that it's not real. Um, and also too, like I there's enough space in the autism community for all of us to to um speak out about our experiences, to share about our experiences, but also to like have an understanding of ourselves. Um, I don't believe in in gatekeeping at all. Um, and there's enough space for all the three levels of support needs in the autism
45:41 community. I'm not saying like I I don't want it to sound like I'm like being a victim here. Like I I I'm definitely not a victim to my circumstances. Um, every day I'm finding ways to um, improve myself, to improve my life. But the reality is that there's a lot of things that are just really challenging for me. I also recognize there's people on the autism spectrum who have many more challenges than I personally have. And that is just as valid. And that doesn't mean that my challenges aren't valid either. Um, it just means that we we need different amounts of support. We need different types of support. Um, but we we both need that
46:28 that support and we both need those accommodations. And um, it might look different, but uh, both are just as valid. And one more point I want to make is that like my support needs fluctuate. Um, as you could infer based on like what I shared here, some days like I can get by just fine. Um, especially because usually like the only place I go during the day other than home is like to the gym, which is part of my routine. Um, those are days where I I can definitely check things off my to-do list and I can probably get more done than I even had anticipated. But then there's also those days where I need help with certain things where I I don't have that that ability to cook for
47:14 myself. Um so like even get out of bed some mornings. And so depending on like how much capacity I have, depending on like my emotional state that day, um depending on like what else I have going on in my life, like outside stressors, yeah, my support needs fluctuate too. But I think overall compared to other people on the autism spectrum, I have lower support needs. And I think that's a fitting diagnosis for myself. But don't get confused. Low support needs autism doesn't mean no support needs. And it doesn't mean neurotypical. It doesn't mean that everyone has these these challenges, so stop complaining about it. Or um everyone everyone struggles in life. So,
48:01 um just like just push through it. That that doesn't work for me. I tried that for most of my life and it only led me to feeling um suicidal, depressed, burnt out, even more anxious than I already was. It led to me hating myself. Um and that's not the paradigm that I exist in anymore. So, I hope that this could either have been like a relatable video for you or maybe an educational video for you. And if any of these like sparked your interest, um please definitely learn more. Um like I said, I'm not a medical professional and I don't want this video to be used for you to diagnose others or to diagnose yourself because that would definitely be irresponsible of me. Um, but maybe
48:46 this is the um catalyst or the inspiration for you to educate yourself a little bit further and then maybe even seek out a medical professional to be assessed if it's if that's something you think would be fitting for you. Um, or if it just makes you want to understand autism more, there's always room for more education and more awareness and definitely more acceptance. So, thank you for watching this
