0:03 you know we've been talking about these strategies protecting your peace setting boundaries responding thoughtfully and managing your expectations all essential steps when dealing with toxic people but there's another critical piece we need to discuss the power of self-respect and by that I mean understanding and embodying your inherent value regardless of how others treat you this is a Cornerstone of dealing effectively with toxic people because quite frankly they thrive on undermining your sense of worth one thing toxic people often do I'm sure many of you have experienced this is chip away at your confidence they might criticize you subtly or overtly dismiss your ideas or make you
0:49 question your capabilities and if you're not firmly grounded in self-respect it's easy to start internalizing those messages that's what they want after all to pull you down to their level because your confidence your integrity your success these things threaten them so what do smart people do they cultivate and protect their self-respect like it's a fortress they don't hand over the keys to that Fortress just because someone else is having a bad day or a bad life for that matter they recognize that their value isn't Up For Debate it's not contingent on someone else's opinion now let's tie this back to man managing expectations remember how we talked about the importance of seeing toxic people for who they really are not who
1:36 you wish they were when you respect yourself you're less likely to seek validation from people who are incapable of giving it you stop hoping that this time they'll finally recognize your worth because you already know your worth and that knowing is unshakable but let me be clear self-respect isn't about arrogance or self-righteousness it's not about thinking you're better than others it's about recognizing that you have inherent value simply because you exist it's about treating yourself with the same kindness compassion and respect that you would offer a dear friend and here's the kicker when you truly respect yourself others tend to follow suit not always of course toxic people often won't but the
2:22 people worth keeping in your life will let's talk about boundaries again because self-respect and boundaries are deeply intertwined when you respect yourself you set and enforce boundaries not as a way to control others but as a way to protect your well-being you're saying this is what I need to feel safe respected and valued if you can't honor that then this relationship may need to change and that's a powerful statement one that toxic people often can't handle because they're used to manipulating others into compromising their bound boundaries but here's the thing when you stand firm in your self-respect you become much harder to manipulate toxic
3:09 people rely on guilt shame and insecurity to control others they thrive on finding cracks in your self-esteem and exploiting them but when you respect yourself those cracks start to close you become more resilient more grounded and less susceptible to their tactics now some of you might be thinking Jordan that sounds great in theory but how do I actually cultivate self-respect well it starts with self-awareness you have to understand your own values strengths and boundaries what matters to you what are you good at what do you stand for these are the kinds of questions you need to ask yourself because self-respect is rooted in knowing who you are and once
3:54 you have that Foundation you need to start aligning your actions with your values this means doing things that make you proud of yourself even when it's hard it means keeping promises to yourself standing up for what you believe in and treating yourself with kindness when you make mistakes because let's be honest you're going to make mistakes we all do but self-respect isn't about being perfect it's about being authentic and accountable another important aspect of self-respect Is Knowing When to Walk Away whether it's from a toxic relationship a harmful situation or even your own Nega negative thought patterns walking away isn't weakness it's strength it's saying I deserve better than this and I'm not going to settle for less and let me tell you toxic people hate that they hate
4:41 when you take back your power because it means they can no longer control you this brings us back to the importance of thoughtful responses over impulsive reactions when you respect yourself you're less likely to be reactive because you're not constantly seeking approval or validation from others you don't need to prove yourself to toxic people because you already know your worth and that knowing allows you to respond with calm Clarity and confidence rather than defensiveness or anger so I think this simplifies a lot of the issues that we've had let's take a practical example suppose you have a colleague who constantly undermines you in meetings they interrupt you dismiss your ideas and try to take credit for your work if you don't have a strong
5:27 sense of self-respect you might resp respond by either shrinking back and doubting yourself or getting defensive and argumentative neither of those responses is likely to be effective but if you approach the situation from a place of self-respect your response might look very different you might calmly but firmly say I'd appreciate it if you let me finish my point or you might document the behavior and address it with your manager the key here is that you're not reacting out of insecurity or anger you're responding thoughtfully and strategically because you know your value and you're not willing to let someone diminish it and this is where managing expectations comes into play again when you respect yourself you don't expect toxic people
6:13 to suddenly become respectful or supportive you accept that they are who they are and you adjust your interactions accordingly this doesn't mean you tolerate bad behavior it means you stop being surprised by it and that Clarity allow ows you to navigate these situations with far less emotional turmoil self-respect also has a ripple effect when you respect yourself you inspire others to do the same you become a role model for how to set boundaries respond thoughtfully and maintain your integrity in the face of toxicity and that's a powerful thing because it creates a culture of respect and accountability but let's not romanticize this cultivating self-respect is hard
7:00 work it requires constant self-reflection self-discipline and self-compassion it means facing your fears challenging your limiting beliefs and standing up for yourself even when it's uncomfortable but the payoff is worth it when you respect yourself you become less vulnerable to the chaos and negativity of toxic people you stop being a victim of their behavior and start being the architect of your own experience and let me tell you that's a game Cher when you walk into a room with self-respect people can feel it you don't have to say a word your presence speaks for itself and while toxic people might still try to bring you down they'll find it much harder to succeed because you're no longer playing their game so as we continue to explore these
7:48 strategies for dealing with toxic people remember this self-respect is your foundation it's what allows you to protect your peace set boundaries respond thoughtfully and manage your expectations it's what empowers you to navigate the complexities of human interactions with Grace strength and authenticity well we've already talked about the importance of protecting your peace and setting firm boundaries when dealing with toxic people these are essential steps for maintaining your mental and emotional health but there's another critical component to this process one that smart people understand deeply and that's the ability to respond instead of react now what does that mean exactly let's break it down when someone
8:34 behaves in a toxic manner whether they're being manipulative critical or outright hostile the natural human tendency is to react impulsively maybe you snap back with a sarcastic remark maybe you raise your voice maybe you storm off in frustration these are all reactions and they're perfectly understandable after all we're wired to respond to threats including social threats with fighter flight but here's the thing when you react impulsively you're essentially giving control of your emotions to the other person you're letting them dictate your state of mind and remember what we discussed earlier toxic people thrive on this kind of power they want to provoke you they want to see you lose your cool because it
9:20 validates their control over the situation smart people recognize this trap and they refuse to fall into it instead of reacting they choose to respond and there's a world of difference between the two a reaction is immediate emotional and often irrational a response on the other hand is thoughtful measured and deliberate let's say you're at a family gathering and a relative makes a passive aggressive comment about your career choices the reactive thing to do would be to lash out well at least I'm not stuck in a deadend job like you sure it might feel good in the moment but what have you accomplished you've escalated the conflict and likely made the entire Gathering uncomfortable a response however might look something like this you take a deep breath pause for a
10:06 moment and say calmly I'm happy with the choices I've made then you change the subject or simply walk away notice what's happened here you've maintained your composure you haven't given the other person the reaction they were hoping for and you've asserted your boundaries in a calm and confident manner now I'm not saying this is easy it takes practice and self-discipline but it's worth the effort because it puts you back in control of your emotional state and when you're in control of your emotions you're in control of the situation let's connect this back to what we discussed earlier about boundaries when you set a boundary toxic people will often test it they might push harder hoping to provoke a reaction this is where the ability to
10:52 respond thoughtfully becomes crucial instead of reacting defensively or angrily you calmly re State your boundary I've already mentioned that I can't take calls after 900 p.m. let's find another time to talk no drama no emotional escalation just a clear respectful response here's another example imagine you're in a meeting at work and a colleague interrupts you repeatedly the reactive thing to do might be to snap will you just let me finish again understandable but not particularly effective a thoughtful response however might be I'd like to finish my point and then I'm happy to hear your thoughts notice how that response asserts your right to speak without creating unnecessary conflict
11:40 there's a psychological principle at play here that's worth mentioning it's called the space between stimulus and response Victor Frankle a renowned psychiatrist and Holocaust Survivor wrote about this in his book man search for meaning he said between stimulus and response there is a space in that space is our power to choose our response in our response lies our growth and our freedom think about that for a moment between the toxic person's behavior and your reaction there's a space and in that space you have a choice you can choose to react impulsively or you can choose to respond thoughtfully and that choice makes all the difference so how do you cultivate this ability to respond
12:27 rather than react it starts with self awareness you have to become aware of your triggers those situations or comments that tend to provoke an immediate emotional reaction once you're aware of your triggers you can start to create that space between stimulus and response and one technique that can help is mindfulness when you practice mindfulness you train yourself to observe your thoughts and emotions without immediately acting on them you learn to pause take a breath and choose your response this doesn't mean suppressing your emotions it means means acknowledging them without letting them control you another useful strategy is cognitive reframing this involves changing the way you interpret a situation let's go back to that family gathering example instead of
13:12 interpreting the passive aggressive comment as a personal attack you might reframe it as a reflection of the other person's insecurities or unhappiness this shift in perspective can make it easier to respond calmly rather than react defensively and let's not forget the power of preparation if you know you're going to be in a situation where you're likely to encounter toxic Behavior take some time to think about how you want to respond visualize yourself staying calm and composed having a plan can make it easier to maintain your composure when the moment comes now I want to be clear about something choosing to respond thoughtfully doesn't mean being a doormat it doesn't mean tolerating abusive or disrespectful Behavior
13:59 Sometimes the best response is to walk away as we discussed earlier sometimes it's to assert your boundaries firmly the key is to do so from a place of strength and self- rol rather than from a place of emotional reactivity and here's another important point when you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively you set an example for others you become a model of emotional intelligence and composure people notice that and it earns you respect it it also has a calming effect on those those around you emotional states are contagious after all when you remain calm and composed it can help diffuse tension and create a more positive atmosphere let's Circle back to what we discussed earlier about protecting your
14:45 peace when you learn to respond rather than react you're taking a crucial step toward maintaining that peace you're no longer at the mercy of other people's negativity you're in control of your own emotional landscape and that my friends is a powerful place to be it's a place of strength resilience and freedom it's a place where you can navigate even the most challenging interactions with Grace and dignity and ultimately it's a place where toxic people lose their power over you now let's shift our Focus to something equally vital recognizing patterns and learning from them when dealing with toxic individuals this ties directly back to everything we've discussed so far protecting your peace setting boundaries and choosing
15:30 thoughtful responses instead of impulsive reactions because here's the thing toxic behaviors often follow predictable patterns and once you understand those patterns you're in a much stronger position to navigate these interactions effectively let's think about this from a psychological perspective humans are creatures of habit we develop patterns of behavior whether they're healthy or destructive and we tend to repeat those patterns unless something forces us to change toxic people are no different they have scripts they run manipulative tactics emotional games and power plays and they tend to use the same strategies over and over again why because those tactics have worked for them in the past they've
16:17 learned that certain behaviors get them the reactions they want whether it's attention control or simply the satisfaction of knowing they've disrupted someone else's peace and here's where your power Li when you can identify those patterns you can break the cycle let me give you an example suppose you have a colleague who consistently undermines you in meetings every time you present an idea they immediately shoot it down not with constructive criticism but with dismissive comments designed to make you look incompetent this isn't a one-time occurrence it's a pattern and once you recognize it as a pattern you can start to strategize now the reactive approach might be to get defensive every time this happens to argue your point more
17:03 forcefully to try to prove yourself but as we discussed earlier that often plays right into their hands they want a reaction they want you to feel flustered and off balance so what's the smarter move it's to anticipate their behavior and prepare a thoughtful response for instance you might say something like I appreciate your feedback but I'd like to hear from others in the room before we make a decision notice what you've done here you've acknowledged their input without giving it undue weight and you've shifted the focus back to the group you've disrupted their pattern by refusing to engage in their game and here's the key the more you do this the more you retrain both yourself and the other person you're no longer the easy
17:49 target they once thought you were you've established a new Dynamic one in which you maintain control over your own reactions and the direction of the conversation but let's go deeper recognizing patterns isn't just about anticipating the behavior of toxic people it's also about recognizing your own patterns of response because let's be honest we all have default ways of reacting to stress and conflict some of us shut down some of us get angry and some of us become people Pleasers trying to smooth things over at our own expense the problem with these default reactions is that they often perpetuate the very Dynamics we're trying to escape if you always shut down in the face of criticism for example you might
18:36 inadvertently signal to others that it's okay to steamroll you if you always get angry you might reinforce the toxic person's perception of you as reactive and easy to manipulate and if you always try to please you might find yourself constantly bending to the will of others never standing up for your own needs so part of recognizing patterns is is doing some introspection asking yourself how do I typically respond in these situations is that response serving me or is it making things worse and if it's not serving you then it's time to develop new strategies this brings us back to something we discussed earlier the power of the pause when you recognize a pattern unfolding whether
19:21 it's someone else's toxic Behavior or your own habitual reaction the first step is to pause that pause creates a space for you to choose a different response instead of reacting impulsively you can respond thoughtfully let's take another example a family member who always brings up contentious topics at Gatherings seemingly just to stir the pot you know it's going to happen because it always does that's the pattern so instead of dreading it or getting drawn into the same old argument you can prepare yourself maybe you decide in advance that you won't engage on certain topics or maybe you come up with a few neutral responses that allow you to disengage gracefully the point is recognizing patterns gives you the
20:07 ability to plan and strategize it puts you back in the driver's seat you're no longer reacting on autopilot you're making conscious choices about how to handle the situation and here's where it gets even more powerful when you start breaking patterns you often Force the toxic person to adapt they're used to getting a certain reaction from you and when they don't get it they're thrown off balance they might escalate their behavior at first trying harder to provoke you but if you stay consistent they eventually realize that their old tactics no longer work this is a crucial turning point it's where you start to reclaim your power you're no longer a pawn in their game you're setting the Rules of Engagement and this doesn't just benefit you it often has a ripple
20:53 effect on others when people see you handling toxic Behavior with Grace and comp osure they're inspired to do the same you become a model for how to navigate these CH now let's talk about one more aspect of recognizing patterns identifying the red flags early on because ideally you want to spot toxic behavior before it becomes a major problem this requires paying attention to subtle cues things like consistent negativity a lack of accountability or a tendency to create drama wherever they go when you notice these red flags it's important to address them sooner rather than later this might mean having a direct conversation setting boundaries or even distancing yourself from the person if necessary the earlier you
21:40 intervene the easier it is to prevent the behavior from escalating but here's the challenge many of us ignore red flags because we don't want to believe the worst about people we make excuses for their behavior telling ourselves that they're just having a bad day or that things will get better and sometimes that's true everyone has off days but when a pattern of toxic Behavior emerges it's crucial to acknowledge it and take action so how do you distinguish between a one-time issue and a pattern look for consistency is this Behavior happening repeatedly over time is there a clear intention to manipulate control or undermine and most importantly how does it make you feel if you consistently feel drained
22:27 disrespected or or diminished after interacting with someone that's a strong indicator that you're dealing with a toxic pattern recognizing patterns is about empowering yourself with knowledge it's about seeing things clearly and making informed decisions about how to respond and when you combine this awareness with the other strategies we've discussed protecting your peace setting boundaries and choosing thoughtful responses you become incredibly resilient you develop a kind of emotional armor not in the sense of becoming hardened or closed off but in the sense of being strong grounded and self assured you know who you are what you stand for and how you will and will not be treated and that my friends is a
23:12 powerful place to be there are many essential steps for maintaining your mental and emotional health but there's another critical component to this process one that smart people understand deeply and that's the ability to respond instead of react now what does that mean exactly let's break it down when someone behaves in a toxic manner whether they're being manipulative critical or outright hostile the natural human tendency is to react impulsively maybe you snap back with a sarcastic remark maybe you raise your voice maybe you storm off in frustration these are all reactions and they're perfectly understandable after all we're wired to respond to threats including social threats with fight or flight but here's the thing when you react impulsively
24:00 you're essentially giving control of your emotions to the other person you're letting them dictate your state of mind and remember what we discussed earlier toxic people thrive on this kind of power they want to provoke you they want to see you lose your cool because it validates their control over the situation smart people recognize this trap and they refuse to fall into it instead of reacting they choose to respond there's a world of difference between the two a reaction is immediate emotional and often irrational a response on the other hand is thoughtful measured and deliberate let's say you're at a family gathering and a relative makes a passive aggressive comment about your career choices the reactive thing
24:45 to do would be to lash out well at least I'm not stuck in a dead M job like you sure it might feel good in the moment but what have you accomplished you've escalated the conflict and likely made the entire Gathering uncomfortable a response however might look something like this you take a deep breath pause for a moment and say calmly I'm happy with the choices I've made then you change the subject or simply walk away notice what's happened here you've maintained your composure you haven't given the other person the reaction they were hoping for and you've asserted your boundaries in a calm and confident manner now I'm not saying this is easy it takes practice and self-discipline but it's worth the effort because it puts puts you back in control of your emotional state and when you're in
25:32 control of your emotions you're in control of the situation let's connect this back to what we discussed earlier about boundaries when you set a boundary toxic people will often test it they might push harder hoping to provoke a reaction this is where the ability to respond thoughtfully becomes crucial instead of reacting defensively or angrily you calmly restate your boundary I've already mentioned that I can't take call after 9:00 p.m. let's find another time to talk no drama no emotional escalation just a clear respectful response here's another example imagine you're in a meeting at work and a colleague interrupts you repeatedly the reactive thing to do might be to snap will you just let me finish again
26:17 understandable but not particularly effective a thoughtful response however might be I'd like to finish my point and then I'm happy to hear your thoughts notice how that response asserts your right to speak without creating unnecessary conflict there's a psychological principle at play here that's worth mentioning it's called the space between stimulus and response Victor Frankle a renowned psychiatrist and Holocaust Survivor wrote about this in his book Man's Search for meaning he said between stimulus and response there is a space in that space is our power to choose our response in our response lies our growth and our freedom think about that for a moment between the toxic person's behavior and your reaction
27:04 there's a space and in that space you have a choice you can choose to react impulsively or you can choose to respond thoughtfully and that choice makes all the difference so how do you cultivate this ability to respond rather than react it starts with self-awareness you have to become aware of your triggers those situations or comments that tend to provoke an immediate emotional reaction once you're aware of your triggers you can start to create that space between stimulus and response one technique that can help is mindfulness when you practice mindfulness you train yourself to observe your thoughts and emotions without immediately acting on them you learn to pause take a breath and choose your response this doesn't
27:50 mean suppressing your emotions it means acknowledging them without letting them control you another useful strategy is cognitive reframing this involves changing the way you interpret a situation let's go back to that family gathering example instead of interpreting the passive aggressive comment as a personal attack you might reframe it as a reflection of the other person's insecurities or unhappiness this shift in perspective can make it easier to respond calmly rather than react defensively and let's not forget the power of preparation if you know you're going to be in a situation where you're likely to encounter toxic Behavior take some time to think about how you want to respond visualize yourself staying calm and composed
28:37 having a plan can make it easier to maintain your composure when the moment comes now I want to be clear about something choosing to respond thoughtfully doesn't mean being a doormat it doesn't mean tolerating abusive or disrespectful Behavior Sometimes the best response is to walk away as we discussed earlier sometimes it's to assert your boundaries firmly the key is to do so from a place of strength and self- rol rather than from a place of emotional reactivity and here's another important point when you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively you set an example for others you become a model of emotional intelligence and composure people notice that and it earns you respect it also
29:23 has a calming effect on those around you emotional states are contagious after all when you remain calm and composed it can help diffuse tension and create a more positive atmosphere let's Circle back to what we discussed earlier about protecting your peace when you learn to respond rather than react you're taking a crucial step toward maintaining that peace you're no longer at the mercy of other people's negativity you're in control of your own emotional landscape and that my friends is a powerful place to be it's a place of strength resist resilience and freedom it's a place where you can navigate even the most challenging interactions with Grace and dignity and ultimately it's a place where toxic people lose their power over
30:10 you
