Full transcript of “02 / Step 1 • Unmanageability: WILL”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:03 my name is herb i'm an alcoholic and i'm just honored to be here and it's really interesting i had made a total plan to work really hard in 2021 to get a lot of things recorded and then to sort of cut back in 2022 and then i got exposed to patrick and susie and they invited me to do something very innovative from my standpoint very innovative and that is to do a summary of each of the steps appropriate to the month january step one february step two and i thought what a great opportunity to give a distilled version
0:51 of my knowledge and my experience of each of the steps and they gave me two occasions each month to do that the second and the fourth when uh monday so that i can actually split it in and have some real substance uh to a distilled version of the knowledge and experience with each of the steps out of the big book i'm a big book fundamentalist and literalist in the best and healthiest of senses and this meeting if you were paying attention to the way they introduced it is really in the spirit of the work and the ministry the ministry that i've
1:36 adopted based on bill's prophetic statement in the first edition of the big book i'm going to read from the forward to the first edition the very first paragraph of the first edition the preface first paragraph last line and besides we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all such a loaded prophetic statement he wrote the book for alcoholics but he had this underlying intuition there's a solution here for the human race for every individual
2:25 he had no idea i'm sure at that point that lois would adopt it for the al-anons in terms of a process addiction and that so many people would adopt it for a substance addiction drug which had become pandemic today food which is probably a bigger issue as a substance addiction than even drug addiction throughout the world not just in the united states or north america or western civilization so i'm so happy to be here and talking about step one uh uh you had mentioned that and i don't need a feedback right now but maybe later on that the uh audio is being
3:11 recorded uh i'd be disappointed if the video or the powerpoints aren't disappoi are not recorded also but i hope they are and i hope they're a piece of the work that's available to people my name is herb my website is herbke.com it has a lot of resources all downloadable all free i don't do this as a business i do this as a ministry so i looked at step one last uh two weeks ago when i was first on and we looked at that first half of the first step now i've changed it i take liberty because of the expansion of the mission
3:56 both of this meeting and of my work of course in the big book that first half of the first step talks about alcohol but we're here talking about the various kinds of addiction substance or process addiction i did that last week now i'm here to talk about the part after the dash this is the best kept secret in the rooms now i haven't been to all the meetings in the world i haven't been to all the meetings even my own area but the meetings i've been to the majority of the people in the rooms and i've been sober since february of 1984.
4:43 i went to a meeting every day for at least 10 years at the instruction of my sponsor i am very acquainted with meetings all over the place in different kinds of meetings the majority of the people in the majority of meetings do not understand the second half of the first step it's a judgment that i try to hold in humility as well as in in a positive stance i didn't know the second half of the first step was not connected to the first half of the first step until i was 10 years sober i got sober in february of 1984 but i
5:30 began to awaken in february of 1988. i had a sponsor i went to a meeting every day i called my sponsor every day i went to step studies and i went to book studies and i'm i'm a mad dog seeker i'm i take everything seriously heavy does it is my motto unfortunately sometimes that gets me in trouble i heard a man share in 1988 in a way that intrigued me and he helped me go through the steps out of the big book and i had my first spiritual awakening i saw that i had an addiction problem and i understood it for the very first time up till then i thought that i was
6:16 an alcoholic because of my drama and i found out that i am an alcoholic because uh i have a body that's different the doctor's opinion revealed to me that i have a allergy that is a craving in that the only solution is abstinence that's not on the screen that should have been adjusted to be there under the lower arrow we looked at that the doctor's opinion i am biochemically condemned when i take a drink my chemistry changes connecting to the alcohol chemical and the interaction is lethal and there's nothing i can do about it i
7:02 am powerless it's a chemical biological physiological reaction i'm hoping you're hearing that the second time i went through the steps three years later this man was very patient with me he helped me unpack insane up till that point i had heard and mouthed the words in the rooms oh i'm just insane no i'm ignorant and irresponsible that's not what insane means in the big book look at page 37 bill defines it at the conclusion of the story on jim the car salesman who put a little whiskey in his milk unhealthy perspective comes from the
7:48 latin sanus which means health i n which means not not healthy thinking i have a vulnerability to an obsession which is a delusion the thought is the obsession the content of the thought is a lie a delusion it'll be different this time that's the classic one for all of us and we need to awaken that says at the bottom which you can't see i apologize for that so that was last time i talked to you to take a look at the addiction problem powerless problem no choice problem
8:36 these are not poetic terms these are concrete terms to say i do not have a choice when i take a drink the biochemistry will hijack me when i don't take a drink and i intend not to take a drink my vulnerability of my mind defect my vulnerability of my mind defect we call insanity vulnerability i will without any thought at all or some little thought take a drink the obsession will hijack me so far this is a problem notice at the
9:23 top i said a problem it's not the problem the real problem is that i have no choice yes over my addiction but over my unmanageability or what is that it's not i'm an addict and therefore my life is unmanageable that's not the dash if that were the case it would be an and not a dash the dash means this is a new thought it's connected because it's under the heading of powerless meaning no choice notice i've changed the heading no choice i have free will but not in managing my life
10:13 that's why i believe bill could say in that preface to the first edition our way of living may have its advantages for all because he's talking to a hundred percent of the people when he's talking about unmanageability what does it mean bill didn't construct the big book with this in mind this way this happened to be given to me in my 10th year of sobriety my third journey through the steps this man introduced me to the bedevils they're on page 52 this is in chapter four it clearly wasn't bill's intention to unpack unmanageability as part of
10:59 step one i'm going to unpack unmanageability as part of step two and this part of the preparation for step three bill says on page 45 of the big book lack of power is our dilemma so we have to find a power other than ourself well that's what this book is all about i'm paraphrasing from page 45 he makes this transition from the addiction problem and the body and the mind problem to the will problem lack of power lack of willpower utterly he says on page 45
11:46 he uses that term where he again uses it uh in reference to uh to the third step but here he's using it with regard to the first step our human resources as marshalled by the will were not sufficient they failed utterly again bill's not a he is a poet he's a mystic but he's very careful with his words he's a wordsmith our human resources body and mind perhaps because he's covered those already the doctor's opinion his own story there is a solution in fact he ends
12:33 his commentary on addiction the alcohol problem on page 43 he ends his commentary his suggested approach to step one on page 43 the alcoholic at certain times has no effect of mental defense against the first string nothing about unmanageability but this man who took me through the work in the third iteration 1994. it took two years it was a very contemplative journey through the steps had me look at this
13:19 that's exactly what this book is about its main object is to enable me to find a power greater than myself which will solve my problem what's my problem no not addiction he said it about lack of power lack of willpower and this man beautiful insight looked on page 52 of that chapter it's called the be development chapter because that word is in there and he connected it to unmanageability this is the behavioral description and he had the brilliant idea to make it personal and present tense because here i am 10 years older i've had two
14:04 spiritual awakenings i've gone through the steps very carefully with mechanics and i both understand it and i've had a deep life changing i mean turning inside out transformation 1988 and 1991. i'll describe those and i can differently but not right now i'm going through this work for the third time 1994. and he asks me to take a look at this paragraph and to make it personal not we had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't trus our human problems with the same readiness to change my point of view but to make it personal and use the set aside attitude and a set aside prayer
14:52 that was the very first time that i used to set aside attitude and the set aside prayer he said are you willing to be taken to a place that you don't even know exists well yes i was actually and i embraced the attitude and the prayer and he said make this personal i have to ask myself why i shouldn't apply to my human problems this same readiness to change my point of view i am having trouble with personal relationships 10 years sober 25 years married wanting a divorce yeah that was true i can't control my emotional nature that wasn't as much true i'd i'd gotten a lot
15:39 of balance from the steps and the spiritual awakening and i had a lot of i didn't know it at the time in terms of the words and the concepts but i had a lot of emotional sobriety at the time i was using meditation on a daily basis and i was using the tool of the 10 step on the spot check inventory i had some emotional sobriety i didn't know all of the ingredients or the names of it even then but i had the experience of it the steps do for us what we can't do for ourselves even without the knowledge of it so on a scale of one to ten some of these were eight and some of these were a two all relative because i'd had some change already i am afraid to misery and depression not so much
16:26 i can't make a living that satisfies me well that satisfies me is given to me in a meditation because i take each one of these into a meditation i can't make a living well wait a minute i'm 10 years sober i've got an incredibly good profession i'm well recognized and well compensated and i love it well how does that work i took it into meditation and that tiny whispering sound which is by the way the accurate translation of the phrase from the aramaic i don't read aramaic but i read people who do it's not the tiny whispering voice the wee small voice that's not that i mean it's okay but it's not the right
17:12 translation the right translation is the tiny whispering sound it's quite different and i listened to this sound in me in meditation and i asked the question how does this apply to me i can't make a living and the wee small voice said you can't make a living that satisfies you because you're a black hole and the voice continued and got a little louder because there's never enough power or prestige or adulation or pleasure is their herb thank you very much for sharing so i had an experience with it at 10 years of sobriety i could see that my recalcitrant narcissism
18:00 still very much alive and hadn't really been addressed fortunately i was in therapy at this time and the therapist was helping me to unpack the nine ingredients of a narcissistic personality at that point he was able to assess me at on a scale of ten seven and a half and twenty years ago when we were doing some work together he reassessed me and said oh you're about two and a half now you never get over it it's irremediable it cannot be treated by therapy or medication narcissism it's a personality corruption genetic or or or culture trained or not
18:47 it doesn't matter it it has permanent wrinkles in your soul but fortunately the spiritual work that you do through the 12 steps 10 11 and 12 especially have ironed out some of those wrinkles and you're you've become a decent human being that can monitor and manage this selfishness and self-centeredness that is the heart of the bedevils unmanageability as well as the psychological description of narcissism i have a feeling of uselessness not so much i am full of fear a little bit certainly a fear of public humiliation a fear of
19:33 really good-looking and articulate and aggressive women yeah i mean i was i mean these were my fears i mean they were paralyzing things in 1994 partly probably part of the reason that i drank prior to 1984. no let me see here i am unhappy a little bit because of the marriage situation but i was able to resolve that the last line says i can't seem to be a real help to other people that's from the book and then i took it into meditation what do you mean i studied to be a catholic priest i mean i was seven years a monk that was all about becoming helpful to people then i studied psychology did all
20:20 the graduate work in the therapy to become a psychologist i never did alcohol hijacked me a couple times at least that was my explanation at that time i took a couple left turns which i thought were unfortunate decisions until i understood that those were the decisions that accumulated the knowledge and the experience for me to do what i do today i can't seem to be of real help to other people i'm sponsoring people what do you mean like and i took it into meditation and that last line if you can't read it says i can't seem to be of real help to other people nor do i really want to help other people and the insight that the wee small voice that tiny whispering
21:07 sound gave me was i don't really want to help other people i i want the reputation of helping people again reinforcing that narcissism they'll be devilman's that's the word used in page 52. look it up in the dictionary to be controlled by devils i don't mean to be religious at all i'm using it as a metaphor poetically really to give you a feel for the image that i have that's my favorite is that i was a puppet on strings circumstances and people had the strings
21:54 and as they pulled the strings i reacted sophisticated people call it codependency i'm sure i was a victim i had tied the strings to the people and the circumstances but this process had begun now to cut those strings that's really emotional sobriety that's really the freedom that comes as a promise of doing this work we looked at in my talk about the addiction the body problem
22:42 craving again the very misunderstood word it's very clear if you read the doctor's opinion carefully that the craving never happens until after you take the first drink hello please hear this it's not i crave a drink hello thinking that i crave a drink feeling that i crave a drink no the craving in the doctor's opinion is totally unconscious there's no thought there's no feeling there's no awareness it's the bio his term for the biochemical after i take the drink once i take the drink the chemical of
23:27 the alcohol interacts with the chemistry of my body and i've poured black ink into white water and it's never white again no choice and it would be the same with gambling i make a first bet and then i'm off to the races pun intended it's the same with food i make an exception i'm going to it's going to be different this time i can have a scoop of ice cream i finish that gallon and i go out to get another gallon that's not my problem but i've heard it
24:14 excruciating circumstances from food addicts the probably the worst addiction that there is because we have to eat and uh there's no black and white rules there's no commonality of the stimulus for addiction sugar of course and flour of course the primary culprits but then it's really about the individuality of body chemistry but the problem here at the bottom of the screen again you can't see it as well is the mind and we need to awaken it i have a strange mental blank spot kind of like color blindness
25:02 i can't distinguish between green and brown you could show it to me you can describe it you can point it out but i can't distinguish it because i have a retinal deficiency in my eye that will not allow me to process color no i cannot process color it doesn't matter what i want thinker and folder or understand i cannot process color my mind cannot process reality especially about alcohol other things too but especially about alcohol but the real problem is the problem of my will this is unmanageable unmanageability is self-centered bill says it on page 60.
25:48 so we had to take a look at some more material in the big book in uh chapter five notice i i just looked at the developments in chapter four that paragraph describes the behavioral description of unmanageability how do i behave take a look at that paragraph convert it to present tense and personal pronoun and read it out loud no i'm challenging you convert that paragraph to the personal pronoun present tense like i did on the screen with the powerpoint and read it out loud for yourself today with the consciousness the development
26:34 the freedom from addiction that you have today and it will be the litmus test of your spiritual condition the litmus test of your spiritual condition uh a screen through which you can filter how are you doing in living life because addiction is a problem of a substance or a process but unmanageability is a defect it's the human defect those are synonyms here only 1 out of 10 people are alcoholics 5 out of 10 people are some other form of addiction substance or process the first
27:20 half of the first step is relevant the second half of the first step every human being on the face of the earth there's seven billion of us has this problem of unmanageability not anything to do with addiction please hear it now it the addiction aggravates it but without addiction 100 of the human race is unmanageable i mean of course the news will tell you that in spades on page 60 at the end of the abcs he has this powerful line the first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success
28:09 any life run on self-will can hardly be a success the definition of unmanageability is selfless now he goes to great lengths on page 60 to 62 to describe what that looks like if you want another experience with unmanageability today with the consciousness that you have the freedom from addiction that you have today read pages 60 to 62 in the same way i described to read the bedevilments on page 52. read it in the personal pronoun present tense and read it out loud you will be stunned and then you'll be embarrassed
28:55 um it's my prediction because that that was my experience and still is by the way on page 62 bill gives us the exact nature of why the bedevilence is a behavioral description selfishness dash self-centeredness exclamation point i'm looking at the book selfishness dash self-centeredness exclamation point that's the first sentence of the first paragraph on that page it doesn't even have a verb it's the silver bullet it's the definition of unmanageability
29:43 it's the heart of the matter it's why bill says in step 10 we're not cured the best kept secret in the rooms what does that mean we're not cured we are recovered you don't have to look far to find out look at the second title page of the big book the first title page has the title alcoholics anonymous the second title page it has a lot more information don't overlook it how thousands of men and women have recovered past tense recovered what does that mean
30:32 bill says in step 10 we enter the world of the spirit we're we're finishing step nine he says we commence this way of living commence meaning begin we commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past please hear that i'm a big literalist and fundamentalist pay attention to the words we commenced begin this way of living 10 11 and 12 as we cleaned up the past oh that means herb that you give to your sponsees the instructions on step 10 when they are about to begin doing step 9 because they have done a complete inventory of their harms done and what they're going to do about it in step 8
31:18 and they have an instruction from your experience and direction on how to begin doing step 9 how to begin doing step 9 so you give them the step 10 instructions so that they can keep the channel clear you give them the 11 step instructions so that they can fill the channel and you give them the 12 step instructions so that they can really understand consciously living by principles in helping other people before they ever begin doing the ninth step we commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past we entered the world of the spirit where have we been where have we been oh we've been in the world of self
32:05 steps one through nine navigating the world of self the program of recovery from both addiction and our unmanageability excuse me um [Music] my bluetooth is tied to my phone and i have my hearing aids on and they're ringing in my ear there he's gone now thank you i couldn't turn it off very distracting we entered the world of the spirit
32:50 what does it mean this is the model of the human being that i use to explain step one and each of the steps and all of the steps a story for a different day i've indicated it in step one already so we have recovered meaning that we're no longer thinking about drinking nor are we drinking we're not the inclination has been removed oh here please hear the big book page 84 we have been placed in a position of neutrality oh listen to that we have been placed that's the grace we didn't do it we're powerless i heard a talk from i was listening to
33:36 bill on a walk the other day from all the 50s and he was saying after his mountaintop mystical experience he was delivered i had never heard term before what a great thing there's an open mic someplace please close it what a great term i was delivered we enter the world of the spirit we are recovered we are placed in a position of neutrality but we're not cured we have a daily reprieve we have physical sobriety there's an open mic sometimes there we go i'm going myself thank you
34:29 we have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition you see in step one we have no choice we become brain dead to the word powerless we because we hear it so often what does it mean well literally means no power but it has no power that word has no power because we have said it so many times use the alternative no choice when i put it in me i have no choice when i don't put it in me i don't have a choice there will come a time and a place if i'm not spiritually prepared meaning that i have a defense i have a shield i get that shield
35:14 from the practice of 10 11 and 12. i am self-centered the turning that takes place is for me to be other centered oh gosh it's that simple i am self-centered pages 60-62 confirmed in that first paragraph on page 62. this is the exact nature of it and then at the bottom of the second paragraph bill concludes his discussion of unmanageability intentionally or unintentionally he concludes his discussion of unmanageability in the same way he concluded his discussion about addiction on page 43. look at on page 62. it's it's he's
36:02 incredible in terms of the organic integrity of this big book neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power i cannot work the steps and assume that i have power by working the steps i hope that that will be the outcome but in all humility i have to accept that i am totally powerless that i do not have a choice that my free will on its own power will always choose me and the only salvation for me the only
36:47 solution for me is to be connected to a power other than myself and i can't do that that's a total gift i can't explain willingness i can't explain grace but i can observe the connection i can't explain it why was i willed why did i receive the grace i can't go there i have to completely collapse implode bill says on page 30 a much better definition of or description of uh powerlessness and step one than actual the step one on
37:33 page 59 we learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost self that that we are alcoholics that we are addicts this is the first step in recovery this is the first step fully concede to our innermost self the delusion that we are like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed wow the delusion that we are like other people or ever will be once a pickle always the pickle we commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past let me see
38:25 see to be in alignment with reality this is emotional sobriety to clean the channel a spot check inventory step 10 to fill the channel with the consciousness that comes from the practice of meditation to empty the channel to allow it to be distributed i'm a lantern i'm not the light but i stand by the path to shine the light on the path so others can walk the path and find the light this is our way of life bill says keeping our head in the clouds and our feet on the ground unmanageability we're powerless it's
39:11 i'm i'm awestruck right now sitting here talking about it again i'm having an experience of awe of the humility that i cannot do this today and that i'm totally dependent on the power other than myself and that's a grace and it's a gift i've heard it said that the steps are the preconditions to the receiving of the gift bill says it's a guarantee having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps fortunately it's my experience and there's been gifts before the work and there's been work before the gifts
39:56 i can't explain willingness or grace but i can observe it thanks for the fun of me thanks you
