2 Be Better Podcast Episode #02

0:00 all right welcome back to the 2B better podcast this is our episode two uh we have a lot to discuss um I want we have fielded questions that we got from YouTube Tik Tok and emails we have emails we have uh conversations that we would like to have and for those of you guys who are not subscribed to the YouTube channel there are five or six small snippet videos that we recorded yesterday that are up currently um and obviously this will be live on Sunday so uh today's Thursday ironically enough I'm record Rec in this early enough that I have plenty of time to edit without having to worry so for those of you who don't follow us we are the Chris's we are both Tik Tok creators which sounds absolutely crazy to say um and we make videos helping people learn to communicate and to try to make relationships better one of the things

0:47 that we've talked about on our Tik toks at at length is the um report cards our check-ins yes so we want to I want to add to that for those of you who don't know our our report cards or what we what we call report cards are our marriage check-ins once every week or every two weeks we sit down um phones get put away TVs are turned off we face each other normally you sit in my lab stratling me and you ask the three questions how is your mental health how am I doing as your wife and what can I do to be better right and then I answer those and I ask you the same questions and we go on so I would like to add two new questions to that at the end Evolution right so this is to give us a a sandwich essentially right because

1:33 asking how my mental health is and asking how you're doing as a wife and then asking how you know all three questions could become it could all be negative I could have bad mental health this week and you know we could have bad things so we will add um what is one thing that I did not do to your standard this week and that could be anything could be cleaning could be communication spending money whatever and then the final question is what did I do that I excelled at this week so that when we end that conversation that should be the last thing asked cuz obviously we have other conversations that are involved in that right that final conversation that final question is leaving the discussion on a positive note so that we do not feel like we were beat down we can just go on now for those of you who have never done the check-in we recommend that you try it at least once you are not allowed to get angry y when your partner gives you criticism it's

2:19 criticism that you asked for if you were giving the criticism it has to be done in a polite manner you're not supposed to do [ __ ] on your partner in any way and um you have to remember that you asked for this so in the event that you get an F on your report card that f is indicative of your behavior and the only thing that you can do is work to bring that grade up so for those of you who haven't done that that's my challenge for you this week is to try the the check-in also uh before we get into questions um if you get anything of value from this podcast anything even if it's just one thing we ask that you share it uh that way people can and possibly gain something as well and it can help Drive our entire goal of change

3:05 and making people better mhm okay do you have anything that you want to start with before we F questions because I've been told that I I need to work on saying the f bomb right I need to not say like so much not say um so much all three of those we are both trying yeah if we drop the f bomb it's intentional at least that's what we're working for and um I have been told that I talk too much which is really weird because in real life I don't talk that much it's okay I I enjoy listening to your voice well I was just told on Tik Tok that I was lecturing you yep so we weren't having a dialogue there was no conversation I was lecturing you yep so needless to say I block them yeah guess people's perceptions a reality that's true mhm that's true um we have multiple things here do you want to get into some questions or do you want to just read

3:51 emails how would you like to proceed today let's start with the questions okay um we answered some of these in shorter videos because we didn't want to have a 5 Hour podcast we tried to do this earlier and got hungry and stopped and we're starting fresh and we were almost 2 hours in so right this is probably going to be a longer format podcast if you don't want those we do have shorter videos that we will continue to release on YouTube as well and obviously on Tik Tok Odin's Inc in inore goddess 13 yeah yeah um one more time yeah so nice let's see you mentioned contracts between the two of you a couple of times can you elaborate more especially on the exit contract get them

4:36 babe oh man I don't want to go into the specifics of the exit contract so then let's let's let's just kind of elaborate on this a little bit and then we can vaguely talk on the exit strategy okay um we talk about our contracts so much because we have all of I refer to it as expectations laid out expectations adhere to if I know what I need to to make you happy there's no excuse for it not to get done right so we have had numerous conversations there have been papers drawn up like we like we we wrote them down not drawn up like legally but um where you're like okay these are my jobs I'm going to cook clean what was that are you bewitching me over there I'm getting ready to sneeze and I'm trying to stop it um I I'm going to cook clean uh handle grocery shopping make

5:22 sure the kids are taken care of yada y y yada and then I'm like okay well I'm make sure that your vehicle always runs make sure that you know all the finances are taken care of make sure that your bank account always has x amount of dollars in it these are going to be things that I do lawn work blah blah blah so there was not a single piece of of work that has to be done around the house that was not covered and in the event that it doesn't get covered or something new comes along like when we bought the hot tub right I was like I really want a hot tub but I don't want to maintain it you're like I'll maintain it I'm like cool then we'll buy a hot tub right right so that became your job just that you know it takes you two seconds to throw shock in the hot tub it's just something I didn't want to deal with um but because we laid out those contracts those expectations we know if the garbage isn't getting taken out there's nobody to blame there but me because garbage is my job in the event

6:09 that dishes aren't getting put away it's because you didn't put the dishes away that doesn't mean that I don't help with the dishes it doesn't mean that you don't help with the garbage it just means that we have an an expectation of who's going to do what and it makes the household run very smoothly because there's a job and everyone has a job we do those jobs and we get a lot of free time because we work together it's a crazy concept right teamwork I know it's insane oh my gosh um as for the exit contract um we will not get into the details of this and I I I I appreciate you actually wording it that way because I don't like actually using the dword we don't Jo joke about leaving you know none of that actually happens here so when we decided that we were going to make a run of this and you were going to be my lifelong companion that in the

6:55 event that things were going to go bad because I owned businesses that I needed to make sure you were going to be able to bounce back onto your feet and hit the ground running in your life if things go that route so we had a prenuptial done that prenuptial will make sure that you were taking care of for a few months while we get our life back on track and that's as far as we're going to go on that MH if you have somebody that you are dating or you are getting serious with or even getting get a marry soon and you don't have all of these expectations laid out you are going to run into a ton of problems and when we read these emails later you're going to see exactly what I mean by that because one of these emails that we got dictates exactly what I just said somebody that's been together for a long time that didn't have any expectations they did

7:40 not do anything that they needed to do in terms of laying that foundation and their life is a mess because of it yep so um do you have anything that you would like to add to that one because that was a shorter one that was an easy one we're warming up today yeah know next one all right um would you be open to talking about Communications vers communication versus comprehension o this is a good one that is a really good one that tickled my brain did it yeah that's a good question I'll have at it then they want to hear you talk anyways so we push hard on communication and I realized the other day we don't really have any videos about comprehension communication is just half of that M being able to comprehend and understand what your partner is telling

8:26 you without getting angry is a big deal right I usually word it as receiving it yeah but comprehension is is I guess more encompassing right so on the communication aspect you have to be able to deliver something while paying attention to your tone and your choice of words and all that kind of stuff and on the comprehension of it you have to be able to remove your emotional side and listen logically cuz nine times out of 10 when a partner comes to you even if they're being a little bit aggressive they might not know another way of saying it right which is why sometimes I have to preface like hey this might be dick of me to to say but I have to say it so in that comprehension they come at you nasty repeat back to them what they said to you that way one they're going to hear how they're talking to you and two it's

9:11 going to show whether you understand what they're trying to communicate to you or if it needs to be worded in another way I think there's a lot that plays into that yeah I think that you need to be aware of the part your partner's body language your body language because if you uh you know what you say is not always the case sometimes it's how you say it right right so your body language is going to dictate the way things are taken um non-verbal communication 70 to 80% of communication um being able to predefine words if you say something and I'm having a hard time understanding I will I will repeat it and if you're like I don't understand I'm like okay well this is the word that I'm getting hung up on you're saying blah blah blah and the way that I Define that word means blah blah blah and you're like well that's not what I mean okay well that's where our communication breakdown is happening because I don't understand what you're saying to me now that I understand the

9:58 way that you're defining the word we can move forward comprehension also comes down to knowing how your partner communicates if I'm a very straight to the point blunt communicator and you are a very detailed oriented Communicator you need to know you need to know everything what time of day it was if it was raining obviously this isn't the case this is an example right you need to know what time of day it was who was around you know what color the sky was and you need all that information and I come at you and I'm like blah blah blah and that and that's it you get like four or five words of the sentence and you're you're missing all the other context that your brain needs I am not effectively communicating your communication Style with you right so we know each other's communication style and in some cases I am a very blunt Communicator sometimes I

10:44 will just rather you talk to me like a dick say what you have to say so that I can understand it we can go um you have to be able like I said define and then the understanding of everything yeah I think that's super important oh yeah comprehension also I think doesn't necessarily um get looked at very much because people are more they're they're waiting to speak mhm so they're not actively listening you know they caught selective hearing and selective listening is a thing right if I have my phone in my hand and you say something to me I guarantee you I caught half of what you said and I have to put my phone down be like okay babe you have my undivided attention now I only caught half of what you said I wasn't actively listening I need you to repeat yourself normally you don't get mad about that normally you just repeat yourself right or I'll wait

11:30 until you're done on your phone right but in the event that it was important and you needed my undivided attention and I didn't give it to you it's going to make the conversation Step Up A Notch because you needed me right then and there and I was on my phone so those things go a long way um there was also something called the iPhone effect that I learned yesterday that I want to share with everyone we talked about this earlier the iPhone effect states that when two people are engaged in conversation if a phone is on the table up or down doesn't matter if somebody can see it subconsciously they know that they're um person not you know I mean not their partner but whoever they're engaging with is not fully engaged because they're aware that the phone is there right and they're aware that the phone has all of the world at their fingertips so they are not completely um invested in what's

12:16 happening there was a big study done about it and now that I know that whenever we have conversations the phones will be put in Pockets or put in another room so that we can have those conversations without a distraction and my watch is going to have to go too because I get all my emails and [ __ ] to my watch so I thought that was pretty important to talk about before we move on from the comprehension I also want to say it's super important like if you don't understand it's important to communicate that absolutely that's part of the comprehension if you're not understanding you're not comprehending properly there is nothing wrong with saying I have no idea what you just said to me try again yeah you know I think a lot of couples get hung up on the not understanding they just attack yeah I could see that you know want to toss that in I think that think that in the same same breath that people become one

13:01 person you know you get so used to just being around your partner that Things become so fluid and normal that you can say something and and you think that they've just got it because you've got that communication style now and they'll get hung up on a single thing mhm and not know what's going on sorry as you guys hear her choking back there she's getting over something so if you hear that throughout the podcast that sucks I don't to tell you yeah um I love how you just outed yourself yeah I I'm guilty of that I how am I going to get better if I don't own my [ __ ] you know what I mean I love it though it's nice attractive all right um what have either of you done to really start healing from past relationship issues such as triggers

13:47 aside from accountability before you answer anything in that I need to express my my Outlook on Extreme accountability I get so much [ __ ] for this from this or for this because people don't understand that I view every situation that happens to me or because of me as my fault mhm doesn't matter what it is I don't care what it is I could get cancer tomorrow and people like oh it's not your fault well there's the difference between taking taking accountability and blaming myself if I didn't eat processed sugar and I ate better and I made better food choices there's a strong possibility that I wouldn't have gotten cancer right obviously that's a a very general broad [ __ ] nonsense right but it's fair to say that cancer is normally an an environmental thing if I work a factory and I get cancer well there's I could have gotten a different job right um sometimes obviously there's

14:35 no way of knowing how that came about or why that's a thing this is I probably picked I should have picked a different scenario but whatever I am an extreme accountability guy so for me I have picked apart my past relationships I've picked apart our conversations I pick apart things I say on Tik Tok and I dwell on them because I don't want to regress ever so in terms of working through my trick triggers um I'm still working through my triggers I will probably always work through my triggers because there are small things that will set me off like earlier today and I will get so wound up that I don't even realize I'm getting wound up you know um and just for quick scenario I got I read something earlier today and got extremely upset by it almost cried got

15:21 like angry angry about it and you were like okay we need to take a break yeah and I had to we had to step away from what we were doing and I needed 15 minutes to regain my compos and I came back and I was fine afterwards but it was because of me viewing a situation is weakness and people not taking the accountability of their life that's as far as I'm going to go with that CU I don't want to you know put too much of that out there um so now that I've explained the extreme accountability because that is something that they threw in there because of the way that we talk about it um what have either of you two done to really start healing for from past relationship issues such as triggers aside from accountability go accountability

16:07 like really all of it is it it comes down to accountability like me working past my past traumas knowing that I am now able to see things before they get to a point of it becoming a trauma for me right heals me like I learned from that now going forward I know what to look out for to prevent myself from ever being hurtt like that again a lot of people when it comes to like traumas are seeking validation from the person that hurt them and they think that that's what's going to heal them nine times out of 10 you're never going to get closure from whoever right caused the pain for you like for an example someone got cheated on that person might not ever apologize

16:55 for cheating on you they will probably never tell you why they cheated on you you're not going to get the truth you have to just accept that that situation happened yeah I would say acceptance m is another thing I use to heal acceptance is huge accepting that happen learning from that situation and just moving on that's really the only advice I got you have to heal yourself and accepting that you'll never get the validation from somebody who hurts you who caused those traumas is also a big key and then for my triggers it's just accountability on the triggers like my socks getting wet triggering me you mean for anxiety and [ __ ] right like am I going to get pissed off at the

17:40 water you know it I think this was more along the lines of people past relationship traumas things like that I think for me me personally a lot of my my past trauma [ __ ] I I use I just say get over it right and people are like you can't just get over your trauma it takes work work yeah no [ __ ] I didn't say that it didn't take work I said to get over it so if that means that you have to do the Dirty Work and it takes you six years to get over something do the six years put the time in do whatever you have to do to be a better person than you were yesterday if it takes you six years and it you're 1% better every single day over those six years and that's what it takes and so be it and if you regress during that six years and it adds a year so what like the whole point is that eventually this doesn't bother you anymore so for me you

18:26 know I I know that a lot of my account ability and dealing with my my trauma is knowing that I had a part in it so I don't want to repeat those and like I don't want to hurt people I don't want to be the cause of people's nonsense and like I don't want to be the person that is the villain in someone else's story I know that I am and a lot and I that I there's nothing I can do about that who I was 10 years ago is not who I am today so I'm doing the work in that aspect that [ __ ] just takes time it's a healing process and it's it's active work and constantly knowing that anything that's not growing evolving and changing is stagnant or dead and I don't want that yeah um and I'm going to finish with with this last thought my I've written my own eulogy I wrote it at 40 I've written it for when I turned 50 and when I turned 60 so if I died at 50 or 60 I

19:12 would know what I want set at my funeral which is kind of morbid but it helps me dictate who I want to be you know cuz who I wanted to be when I was 20 and 30 is not who I want to be at 50 and 60 the only thing that matters to me when I die is that at my funeral somebody says he was a good man MH he was a leader of men that's it I don't care anything else is I don't care there's nothing else that you can say that's going to make me feel good if I'm dead besides those two things I want to affect change and I do that through leadership and I want to be a good man so that I can somehow write the wrongs of my past you know what I mean so I don't know kind of kind of a lot but before you move on I want to touch on the the triggers thing like how I healed from triggers okay

19:59 I view my triggers as a learning opportunity to understand myself better that's good so if I don't know you phrase something in a way that I feel like you're attacking me and I get triggered I try to take a step back and be like okay why did that affect me so much right you know was it his tone was it his verbage is it was he not looking at me when he said it that kind of thing learning that and growing from that is a huge part of me healing my triggers all right well that's you taking account ability and then addressing the problem if it wasn't you right because you basically just said that you look at all of the internal sources first to figure out if it was a you thing and if it's not then you know how to approach a situation damn is that really like an accountability thing absolutely accountability huh that's extreme accountability everything is your fault

20:44 Until you realize it's not and then you can figure out how you're going to address the problem I don't have an answer outside of accountability that's all I do I love you thank you um on one of your podcasts can you talk about how you got got into a Dom sub relationship and if you think it's possible to do that 10 years into a relationship SL marriage also what is your best advice for communicating those needs to your partner and I have a [ __ ] grd on my face because we tried this three times yesterday and could not get through this question I got so irritated yep so remember that we are still on the internet yes we are and we have to be careful with the way that we answer this because we do not want to get anyone in trouble I have to censor myself so hard we got into a Dom sub relationship because we wanted that I

21:30 had vanilla relationships in the past I've had Dom sub relationships in the past and I swore that if I ever got into another long-term relationship it would have to be Dom sub otherwise I don't want it because even though sex is not everything in a relationship it is a huge part of it and if I'm not enjoying that aspect of my long-term life it's not for me you said something similar and that you've had d sub relationships in the past and you were okay with it and then when we started our relationship I got a high fire from you one night and you're like I never had this this is amazing I'm like yes um and Pat myself on the back but I can't reach my own back um good for you so the is it possible to do that 10 years into a relationship SL marriage yes maybe yes it is there is a lot of conversations and research that has to be done I thought about this a lot since

22:15 yesterday yeah I can tell you cannot just have that conversation first and foremost it's taboo for a lot of a lot of people don't want to have that conversation Kinks can be weird that's not something that a lot of people are comfortable having aers ation with especially if you've known for someone for 10 years and that's never been a conversation that's hard so the conversation first needs to happen like hey I would appreciate if you know if if you're talking to your perceived Dom I would like you to be a little bit more dominant in the bedroom there's a few things that I would like to try and just lay out the most generic things that you can think of that's not going to put your partner in an uncomfortable situation I'm not going to give you examples of that because I don't know your partner you have to know your partner so in our scenario because I know how extreme can get if you were to come to me and we had a stop it it makes

23:02 me feel good stop it if you came to me and we had a vanilla relationship and you said something along the lines of can you just hold my wrist down while we play tonight it's a form of restraint it gives me control to be completely dominant over you mhm and you say something like uh if I say pineapple you have to stop cool we've established rules you've told me what you wanted we have a safe word in the event that that's a thing which always should be a thing yes if if a person tells you you do not need a safe word run yeah um and then if if that's an enjoyable scenario for the two of you and you want to take it to the next step you suggest something a little more extreme and then sit on your phones together on the couch and search Kink websites you will find

23:47 all kinds of [ __ ] on Reddit all kinds of stuff on on actual websites that can tell you a lot about the Dom sub lifestyle and and you can have conversations about it I really did put a lot of thought in into this since yesterday we struggled with this yesterday yeah you're doing you're doing really good [Applause] wait you should have done the [ __ ] Nixon [ __ ] yeah that's funny um I can I just say that I love this thing I love that you love it it's so much fun to me and it's so cheesy like I feel like a kid with like one of those little rollout things at for parties that anyways it's so dumb I enjoy it though um so in event that you have those conversations and you want to take things a step further you can do it

24:33 together the websites are there and if you read the the Articles out loud and you both engaged with each other and you're having a conversation while you're reading them you're going to find things that that do it for both of you and if you're uncomfortable having the conversation about all of this I feel like the best way to do it is say I read an article today and in that article this was descripted and that needs to be the what you want them to try because you can say that it did something for you because now you are putting the blame on the article you're not making yourself into some weird Kink thing just in case your partner doesn't perceive it as as normal and you may be able to completely change your sex life hell yeah yeah go me you nailed that I I think so

25:19 good for you um okay this is the last question from this list and then I think that you had some on your phone too but okay uh we are 25 minutes in we are blowing through these yeah yep it's cuz we ate before we sat down that Chick-fil-A power yeah it's that Jesus chicken all right um what are your views on your partner going out to see friends regularly do you feel like it is inappropriate to go out five nights a week when you have a partner and kids at home or is it just the case of the dynamic of the relationship on whether or not it's okay for that I'm going to let you answer that first because I have a lot of opinions on this and I I'm going to hopefully you cover some of them so that I don't get angry so my first like knee-jerk reaction opinion is Over My Dead Body

26:07 yeah will my spouse go out 5 days a week while I am at home with children mm no that is if you want to be single just say that that's it that's it that was exactly my thought process when I read that yeah why would you want to um do devote yourself I was going to say divulge and that's another word devote yourself to somebody who is not committed to your kingdom right you you build a foundation you build a home woman comes along turns the house into a home you're happy you have kids now you're neglecting your family so that you can go out and party and have a good time while your woman and your kids are at home without their father and husband how many times have I gone out

26:54 without you never not once no now I can't think of a single instance where you've left the house without me I'm not doing that unless I'm going to work in the event that I want to go do something I want you to go you are my best friend the person that I enjoy being around most on on this planet so if I'm going somewhere the idea of you not coming with me is a travesty I don't want that why would I want to go do that I don't get sick of you we're around each other more than most couples are around each other let's be honest I'm semi-retired and with you being a stay-at home wife I'm I'm home a lot especially after the hurricane we're doing podcast together we're working on a coaching business we are doing a lot together we don't argue we don't fight I'm living the [ __ ] life dude we're we're getting ready to start

27:40 going to musicals we're planning vacations for next year we're looking into new business ventures and other states we are doing the thing right and it's [ __ ] amazing sorry for the f bomb mom that was intentional cuz that was an impactful F bomb I want to make sure that our life is super dope in the event that that I had someone that I haven't seen for 20 years that came into town and was like hey bro I'd really like to go get a drink with you I quit drinking eight months ago sorry man I I don't do that anymore it's just not a thing for me you want to go to the gym with me one morning we can do that you're training with me mhm that's not you know what I mean that that idea of me needing that time away from you it's not I don't need it I don't need that it's not something that I physically need right I

28:25 understand that people do I understand that there are people out there who genuinely can only take their partner in small doses or may not even like them but they're together out of convenience I'm I'm lucky in that aspect in the event that you were like uh I'm going to go do boyfriend night for anybody that doesn't know I don't know why you guys call it that I I said it as a joke and it just stuck but there are six seven women that work for work with us uh in one of the businesses so I would say boyfriend night comp composes about four or five of us okay and it's all women you got go to Olive Garden eat bread sticks and and drink whatever it is that you drink and and that's your your evening right you've done that twice since we've been together there was a third one planned and I ruined it because I didn't put it in my phone and made plans for something else right but

29:11 I want to clarify I I canceled that night because I'd rather spend the time with you right but in the event that you wanted to go do something I don't care I I won't I okay and I'm going to say this and I I mean this so before anybody can go in the comments and be like I can't believe you said that this is intentional I won't let you go to a bar or a nightclub if you want to do that and you want to live that life you will do that and I will do my own thing that is not something that I am okay with the only reason why you would want to go into those situations without me is because you need attention from people right if you want to have a drink you can do that anywhere you want you can go to a restaurant you can go to a an upscale restaurant there are a lot of options to do that if that's what you wanted to do but to put yourself in a position where you know you're going to be hit on is a blatant disrespect to me

29:57 that was that would be the only time that you came to me and said you wanted to do something without me where I would have a problem M otherwise go do what you want to do I I don't care I mean I do I would much rather you be with me and us having a you know a lazy night on the couch but I understand that MH the idea of having five nights a week out I I can't even I can't imagine doing that like I I'm so old what do you even do five nights a week like watch forged in fire no I mean like going out like what are you doing five nights a week how can you afford that like the only thing that comes to my mind is sitting in a park and smoking weed what are you 12 what else what else are you doing like if you are you have a family

30:44 right you're in a relationship like respectfully what are you doing those five nights a week where you're not home with your family so there's 52 weeks in a year right that's that's a lot of weeks that you are missing out on your kids growing up and if you spend a one year from the age of we'll call it three to four while you're going out every single night and the mom is at home raising the child there are um behavioral patterns that are going to be missed that the Dad should be instilling at that age that is not going to happen because you have decided that going out and drinking and [ __ ] up in life is more important than raising your family right disgusting yep I got really mad when I read that question the first time yeah understandably I'm I'm really you

31:29 know I there are a few things that really get to me and it's it's cowardly like weak frail men really bothers me the lack of masculinity gets to me bad and people who are there but not present when it comes to their family especially if there's kids involved and I I Ed that term because I heard it months ago and it was one of the most profound things because people think well just cuz you're there I'm home what more do you want I would want you to be present right put the put the the Xbox controller down and come and read a book mhm go play soccer take your kid to the park like and engage them at the dinner table how was your day son did you meet a girl are you wrestling what tell me about your life I want to be engaged yeah and involved and I need to know what's going on the idea that we live in

32:15 a society where it's okay to ignore your family just doesn't do it for me nope yep so now uh there's a whole bunch of Amazon packages on the front porch including the wedding card that we have to send out to um oh I ordered one oh I love that do you want to answer questions from your phone or do you want to get into the emails um we are 32 minutes in so we we have a lot of time to talk because we're flying through this let me see 32 minutes we're flying I mean we've unpacked a lot in 32 minutes y okay while you're looking for that I have one mhm it says I was raised this is we talked about this earlier we I was raised that a man doesn't talk about

33:00 emotions to the his better half because the man is supposed to be strong is that wrong yes yes absolutely I I I am one of the stoic men who you know I I'm that guy I very rarely will you see me break down and what I do I'm not talking until I get my emotions under control because I was raised that way but you have seen that vulnerable side of me you have seen it more than anyone else because I don't show that to the world that's a you thing I I am a very passionate person so there are things that I will get way overworked over and that's not always mad right it it comes across very intense because I'm a passionate person but in the event that I start to get emotional and I need to cry or I'm going to like truly lose my poop we're doing that at home but I'm not ashamed to let

33:47 you see it it's ugly it nobody wants to see snot bubbles coming out of their partner's face like that ugly crying is gross nobody wants to see that but if somebody has to see it I would rather you be than a therapist or somebody else that doesn't make you weak it doesn't make you frail it actually makes you in control of your emotions especially if you're having a day where you're ready to break down and you can keep that inside until you get home and you and your partner can you can let it out and they can comfort you and then you can have the discussions that need to be had on why you feel like you're feeling bro yeah it is not weakness I see you stronger as a man in those moments yeah I have such a hard time with that [ __ ] I know and it's not because I don't want to you to see me as weak I know that that's not the case so

34:33 logically my logic brain says that that's not the case emotionally there is a fear that you will throw in my face one day because that is a trauma thing for me that I've never gotten over because it's happened I'm also afraid because I have so much bottled up that if that courir comes off and I actually let go that I will end up Baker acted because it's happened multiple times and it's funny but it's not really funny you know I had a three-day stay turn into a 33 day process so I try not to do that I try to process my [ __ ] the best that I can and and empty that bottle out enough that I can stuff some more [ __ ] in there and put the cork back on but uh it's definitely not weakness and if you're I think uh I'm going to use Jordan B

35:19 Peterson as an example because I I admire that man like if he shows up on my Tik Tok or my YouTube it doesn't matter what I'm doing I stopped I listen to what he says right dude has an IQ of 150 he's 10 points under Einstein he is [ __ ] smart sorry Mom I did not mean to drop the f bomb um you guys so real quick before I continue with the Jordan B Peterson thing the reason that I say the sorry Mom is because my mom watches my my podcast and I told her that I would try to to ease up on the F bombs uh my adopted mom and and I'm trying to adhere to that so that's not for anyone other than her anyways Jordan B Peterson that man can have a full-on dialogue with somebody through tears he cries all the time and he hates it mhm and I I I respect it I respect it so much that he

36:06 can have a conversation while crying if I get to the point where I start to cry I can't say a word because a single anything comes out of my mouth it's game over ugly crying I can't I can't control it so much respect and admiration for that dude so if you if you're able to maintain your you know control your emotions like that and you are in control of yourself dude that is not weakness at all m you got anything yeah on that my my thought process would be if you're not being emotionally vulnerable with me who are you being emotionally vulnerable with in most cases no one that's why men un alive themselves at the rates that they do we don't have the option of being vulnerable because most of the time it is weaponized and used against us or we're told you know we want you to be vulnerable we want you to be emotional and then when we do we're called you

36:51 know weak and you're a [ __ ] for crying [ __ ] man up you know F bomb do be better about that it really blows my mind that there are people out there like that all over the place I've experienced it my entire life I don't I really I don't understand the thought process behind that like different Generations I don't know I guess my brain is just different like I I can't I can't fathom being that kind of person yeah to throw somebody's past in their face like that all especially when they're being vulnerable in a moment disgusting I I hardcore judge people who do that [ __ ] and if somebody watching this gets offended by that look inside of yourself and ask yourself why you're offended by me saying

37:37 that I see you staring pretty hard over there I think I deleted the questions that I was going to bring up for this I have the ones from the other day but you do that one yeah I'll look for another question when you do that all right so this is just kind of bullet points I was having a back and forth this morning with someone on Instagram and I wanted to just get like the gist of it on paper so they have been together for n years and there was a there was no getting to know each other phase so there wasn't really a discussion of what the foundation is going to look like okay they just got together he watches porn knowing that it bothers her they have had kind of discussions about it so from my

38:24 understanding she didn't really elaborate on kind of discussions I'm assuming it was brought up in a beat around the bush way not really actually directly addressed but in those moments he places blame on her when she brings it up okay I'm going to pause you for a half a second when you guys send us emails uh one we really appreciate it because it does give us content and it allows us to have a dialogue based off of what you're sending us when you send us information about things like this it needs to be as detailed as possible because you saying that you kind of talked about something did you really like I I don't know what you said was was the um attention solely on you were the phones put away did he repeat anything did he say understood was he making eye contact with you there's a lot of things that I need to know whether or not the conversation was

39:11 actually had or if you were just like hey I don't like it when you do that and just walked out of the room like right so so from what I gathered in the messages he is uninterested in her sexually and it sounds like he doesn't really care for quality time with her anymore and something else that she brought up is that so they've been been together for n years M eight years into the relationship they started discussing marriage she wants to get married and he doesn't he thinks it's just a piece of paper so in regards to that I I feel like if you envision yourself to be married at some point in your life that convers conversation needs to happen

39:56 like the first few dates if you are looking for a long-term partner you need to be looking for somebody who also wants a long-term partner right waiting eight years is far too long to bring up there needs to be a cordium process I I I will repeat that until I'm bleue in the face you cannot swipe right and start dating MH you need to create a foundation and an understanding of who you're getting into bed with figuratively and you know factually um so that you know what you're getting into and I agree the marriage conversation should have happened way early on sometimes that's not necessary you know some people just don't want to get married that's fine but if you don't want that and you know your partner does that it should be a conversation right the um the the marriage just being a

40:43 piece of paper thing depends on your your view of what marriage is I believe that people can get married without the government be involved in it right obviously the government says otherwise because they want their money and want to have a say in in the divorce mhm and lawyers obviously want the same thing but a covenant between you your partner and God is a covenant between you your partner and God the state should have nothing to do with that and I won't say anything more than that because I believe that on all fronts the government should have nothing to do with wedding period um but if there was more to who he was as a person marriage would not just be piece of paper right did I say that as as politely as I I could okay yeah I think that came out decently so they both have a hard time

41:28 articulating feelings I asked her do you guys do check-ins do you guys do report cards and she asked me what that was so she hasn't heard of it before um so they both have a hard time articulating the feelings if it's a topic he doesn't like he shuts down the conversation and leaves and that topic is never brought up again so they never work through anything so okay okay I mean at this point why bother even talking talking to him if you can't have a conversation he doesn't respect you enough as a person to listen to your your needs and validate you or even be empathetic to what you're saying right you you you are um there's no willingness to comprehend right you're not um you're not equal the equal is not

42:14 the word I'm looking for but you don't matter to your partner they're not validating you at all you are basically a byproduct of their life they don't care right that's the word I'm looking for is escaping me but that's that's a huge problem mhm you first and foremost you never walk away from a conversation ever if you are like really stressed out and need to take a breath you say hey I'm starting to get worked up I love you I don't want to have a argument with you I need like just a couple minutes to walk around and Catch My Breath if you got to go outside smoke a cigarette whatever it is that people do go do that but don't just get up and storm out of the room excuse me you are killing any potential conversation you are making your partner feel like their um issues do not matter to

43:01 you that is a huge problem and it's super childish it is it is super childish it it's killing any opportunity to grow as a couple too right so the last part and this is actually what kills it for me is that he has told other females I'm only around for the kids and don't have the balls to kick her out yeah relationship's over with yeah I wouldn't that's cheating yeah so was the porn thing and I'm going to get into that too but I was waiting cuz that the last time we had that conversation it was a long one that that that whole like talking to other people about what goes on in your home we both agree as a big no no you don't do that especially to the opposite gender right because you are opening the door and I feel like in that statement he's looking for the grasses Greener right and if he found somebody that was

43:47 sympathetic to himh that had something more than she has to offer I'm willing to bet he would tuck tail and run that is that's a very telling sentence it is is super telling everything that you just said there basically tells me that he doesn't want to be there and he's only there for convenience because he hasn't found enough balls to change his life yet and in the event that something comes along better that gives him a grass's Greener scenario he's out oh yeah that's a ticking bomb right there yep so can we talk about the porn thing for a minute or do you want to continue on that because I don't want to cut you off and like start doing what I do I'm trying to be aware of myself no you can go ahead and what are you sure yeah okay well you you were like huming so I wasn't sure if you had a well I was looking to make sure I had all the points and was pretty

44:33 much it so that paper and this paper that I'm going to read next both mention porn addictions right it's not necessarily porn addictions but they they choose to watch porn over being intimate with their partner okay will you talk about the study yeah so there was actually was a couple of studies done that shows that watching porn chemically Alters the brain I'm going to pull it back up that way I can say a Verbatim and not okay but while you look for that being incorrect there is a lot of major people in the world right now who are um speaking out about men watching porn because of what it does what you're about to read first and foremost but because you are um becoming addicted to something that you shouldn't be addicted

45:19 to it is adultery it is cheating um there are a couple El out there who watch it together I'm not not saying don't do that I'm just saying that this is a problem for young men I think that the attention that you are giving to yourself and to your phone and the moments that you are taking care of yourself while watching porn is intimacy lost with your partner you are lusting after someone other than your partner you are you are getting fake scenarios that would never happen with your partner you are making a alternate reality in your brain of the way things are going to play out in sexual manners to please yourself once you have these weird scenarios in your head you are not going to have the same intimacy with your partner because this is what you've programmed your brain to believe is intimacy right okay and obviously before

46:05 anybody can go well intimacy isn't you know just sex yeah no [ __ ] so research research has shown that pornography use is correlated with a physical change in the brain the visual stimulus of pornography hijacks the brain's reward system and overwhelms it with unnatural prolonged dopamine levels the result is the brain the the result is the brain physically deteriorating in shape size and chemical balance wow yeah that went way further than I thought it did it actually changes the shape of the brain like is that from the pleasure centers of the brain yeah so for my understanding does it not say it's a whole ass article okay I you don't have to read all that so for my understanding because it is giving

46:51 prolonged dopamine level releases it could be killing right that's wow I had the word have you been watching too much porn babe no I'm toasty like a marshmallow right now that's good you could throw some chocolate and a graham crapper on me and call me a s'more like a gram crapper gram cracker leave me alone cut that I love it no way nope I'm leaving that oh yeah okay part of me hates it but part of me is just having fun and I'm glad to be

47:38 here before we move on this this just triggered a random thought in my mind so there was um this is a couple of years ago and I had an older oven and I smoked and I went to go make some pizzer rolls and there was a little knob that turned and I had to turn it and it literally said bake on it and I was like me too all right yep so this email actually said in the the the subject matter help frustrated in my relationship um I'm going to preface this by saying that the first time I read this email it infuriated me MH me too like really bad to the point where you were like you can't talk like that mhm so I'm going to read this and try to

48:25 maintain myself in the event that I start to get you need to let me know to dial it back okay I got you I'll just flare my nostrils at you I'm going to be reading so I need I need an audible cue um I just recently came across your content on Tik Tok and I really loved it and what it's all about which is why I decided to write you um because I believe that I could use some advice from people who have experienced what I um and who have achieved what I also want to achieve and before I display my situation let me say thank you for your time and advice you're welcome uh I'm going to read the first paragraph and then pause cuz there's a lot um so my boyfriend and I both 25 have been in a relationship for 2 years and 7 months uh which is very specific um we have been talking about getting married for a while now and we both want the same traditional marriage he says he wants a traditional wife but I didn't

49:12 think I I'm sorry I don't think um he is the type of man that actually wants one his actions do not show what he wants he uh here are the things I can't seem to you hit the microphone I was like what was that um sorry uh here are some of the things I can't seem to link with wasting uh wanting a uh traditional marriage he is very inconsistent he doesn't follow through with what he says he's going to do he usually pays for stuff when it's convenient for him uh he is not a gentleman he watches porn he is not driven or disciplined he doesn't like to plan stuff he just wants to go with the flow he can't even stand up for himself how is he going to protect a whole family he is kind of lazy except when it

49:57 comes to doing physical work which that is crazy to me um he smokes pot I think he has an addiction but he won't uh admit it he lies constantly to avoid conflict that's that's the second paragraph of this whole email that's the second paragraph yeah jeez there's a lot there's a whole lot there and and before we go on reading that ju if I was to just read that paragraph and take out the part where we were talking about getting married and started with um he doesn't seem like he's the type of man that actually wants one and then read all of that I would think that she was ending her marriage or relationship that she was moving on because of all of the negative attributes that her old man has or young man has I'm going to say that at 25 years old you guys are young still and I know that you don't want to hear that but you have a lot of failures that need to happen in life to to grow from

50:44 um you have a lot of life left to experience before you really make decisions like that but um his actions do not show what he wants here are some of the things I can't seem to link with wanting a traditional marriage he is very inconsistent how is he inconsistent um you say that he doesn't follow through with what he says he's going to do there was it was a comma there so you continued but I want to break that down a man is only as good is his word if I say I will be there Friday at 3:00 I will be in the parking lot at 2:45 and that's if I hit traffic right otherwise I'm there at like 2:15 to 2:30 and I'll be waiting because I want to be where I say I'm going to be because I gave my word that I'm going to be there

51:31 this is nice that okay I'm still listening I know you just bundled up over there like a toasty burrito okay I'm feeling good um so if your man says that he's going to do something and doesn't follow through with it that's a problem in itself and a huge red flag right and I hate the term red flag but there's no other way that I can say that in a polite manner because he's a liar if you say you're going to do something other than going to jail or dying you need to do it mhm period And if not you need to acknowledge why you're not doing it apologize it needs to be a thing not just yeah sorry I Didn't Do It um he usually pays for stuff when it's convenient for him what makes it convenient for him there needs to be a lot elaborated on that are you a traditional woman now

52:17 living as a traditional wife even though you're not married yet and not working because if that's the case he should be paying for everything if that's the life you are currently living is he not financi capable of doing so there's questions there this is why I said in the beginning to give us as much detail as you can when you send emails um he is not a gentleman I feel like we need her definition of a gentleman I think that I'm going to have to make that video of things that is expected of a gentleman yeah because people think that just because you do nice [ __ ] every once in a while that you're a gentleman that's not the case there there is an art to being a gentleman it's um so by her saying he's not a gentleman when I read that because of the way I Define gentleman he doesn't open car doors he doesn't make

53:04 sure that she's the first one out you know into an elevator the last one out doesn't do the stair thing doesn't do any of the things that needs to be done to keep her safe as a gentleman would right excuse me um doesn't pull her chair out you know all of it there's a whole lot there if you say he's not a gentleman tells me a lot about his character right so when I read that I'm like you're not going to get a traditional man mhm out of somebody that's not a gentleman like those two things go hand inand in my opinion um obviously there are people on the internet who like well if you know if he's a traditional man he just wants a slave he's not a gentleman anyways because you know we hear that dumb [ __ ] all the time but um he watches porn we discussed that already I'm not going to get back into that um I will just say that that's cheating and you shouldn't accept that yep uh he is not driven or

53:52 disciplined how is he not driven or disciplined does he not wake up on time does he does he hit his snooze button 50 times in the morning does he not brush his teeth and put on deodorant every day there those are basic signs of discipline right does he not have a routine is does he not want to make more money does he not does he spend frivolously right how is he lacking discipline and not driven my idea of driven is to an extreme we've had this discussion a couple times in the past I I take that [ __ ] way further than other people to the point where I will go days without sleep sometimes um so I I need to know how he's not driven and not disciplined he doesn't like to plan stuff he just goes wants to go with the flow so in that aspect I agree I don't want to plan [ __ ] either unless it's a vacation or us going somewhere I'd rather just hop in the car and go explore right um I don't need that kind

54:38 of planning I have enough decision making in my life that the last thing that I want to worry about is what we're having for dinner well when she says go with the flow it could be applied to like I don't know he's not like really planning out finances okay I could see that somebody overspends and now what right now what like where's the structure instead of just going oh well we're going to get paid next Friday anyway let's just go with it okay well that would that would indicate a lack of ability to lead okay so that that that also falls into you're not a man in my opinion right okay as far as I'm going to go with that I'm not I don't need to tap um he can't even stand up for himself how is he going to protect his whole family uh this is this is where things are going to start to get hairy for me

55:23 yeah I believe and I'm going to get preachy that a man's first duty to his family is to keep them safe m above all else you are to protect them the next next Duty a man has is to provide that's my belief you may not believe it people watching may not believe it I don't give a [ __ ] that's my belief system and providing does not always mean finances it could be emotional support it could be so many other things besides Financial tracks transactions but that is also a part of it we have been in numerous conversations with other people on lives and videos talking about the safety aspect and we have um both agreed that there is a subconscious safe aspect mhm to making a

56:09 woman feel safe yes will you elaborate on any of that so that I can take a drink of my soda and stop talking for a minute yes so the walking behind me on a staircase if we go up walking in front of me if we go down to catch me right making sure that I am on whichever side while we're walking in the road that way if I'm needed to be protected right opening the car door especially at night opening the door for me into buildings making sure there's no threat on the inside when we're leaving walking out first make sure there's no threat on the outside uh waiting outside of the bathroom for me if we're in a public area sleeping towards the door y can you this is this list could go on and on and on can you just give a give the bies

56:55 experience the bues experience that place is massive I've never been in a bues before the first time was when we went up to Tennessee on Thanksgiving Day weekend yes it was I've never been in there that busy ever we stepped in there and I instantly got anxious there were had been 300 people in that yeah it was insane mm and I don't do well in crowded situations I get anxious I start to panic there's too many people I started thinking of like what if there's an active shooter that kind of [ __ ] and we went in there specifically used the restroom and then grabbed some snacks and a car charger it was like walking through a Walmart to get to that restroom mhm and at one point I don't remember if I put my hand on your shoulder or if you just took my hand and put it into your belt at some point

57:42 somebody bumped into me and I turned around and grabbed your hand to make sure that you were there and I stuck your hand in my belt not in my belt loop but behind my leather belt right and and before anybody goes oh you let her around the store like a dog no I made sure that she was safe I made sure that if somebody grabbed her that I would feel that tug and I could I could lay down the law if I needed to right and like in that moment before you did that like with my anxiety it's like TV static in my mind it's that same sound too like I can still hear the outside world but there's that static sound over everything so I can't focus on anything the lights are too bright too many people I can feel people's body heat as they're passing me you grabbed my hand and put it into your belt and instantly everything went down like three notches and I felt like I could

58:27 breathe that subconscious feeling of knowing that you thought to put my hand back there to keep me safe knowing that I'm still behind you made me feel safer and my body just regulated right so subconsciously you knew because I knew that if somebody's bumping into me that they could be doing it to you right and the moment that they bump my shoulder they immediately apologize oh sorry man you know whatever but I knew that if that could happen to me it could certainly happen to you because I know what I look like right so people are normally paying attention to me I don't have to worry about where I'm walking as much because people will oh God look at that dude and they'll get out of my way they don't do that to women so when I dude but bump my shoulder my knee-jerk reaction was to grab your hand and I was I would have normally pulled you to to my side and held your hand mhm there was

59:13 nowhere to walk in there there wasn't so my only option was to have you put your hand next to my firearm so that we could walk through the the the place um and

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