Full transcript of “2 Be Better Podcast Episode #3”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 all right welcome back to the 2B better podcast we are the Chris's uh we do question and answers emails and sometimes we simply talk [ __ ] but first a disclaimer we are not professionals no everything that we speak on is opinions derived from experiences and outside knowledge we've gotten from other resources MH if you get any value or something we said resonates with you share this yes that's how we grow and if you're not subscribed why not yeah that's a good question if you're not subscribed you're going to miss out on this whole experience that's the Chris that is the Chris please leave a comment your comments are actually super dope to read knowing how that we've impacted you or your relationship it just helps us continue do what we're doing and it
0:45 shows that what we say work sometimes and to submit a question or just to email us and say how we've helped or maybe constructive criticism email us at 2B betterco gmail.com the number two the number two emails will be read anonymously on this podcast unless specified otherwise by the sender so if you don't want us to put your story out there tell us that correct if you're going to send emails please be as detailed as possible if you give us a one-sided email about how your partner is the problem that is all we will address yeah you will get a one-sided reply yes nobody is perfect take accountability everybody can grow preach and we are giving unbiased honest opinions we are not yes men so if you submit something to us be prepared for
1:31 an answer that you might not like getting but we are going to give you a very honest outside perspective is that the full disclaimer yeah now to the episode welcome back to 2B better podcast we are the Chris's we are on episode three we are going to be going over check-ins and report cards so that I don't have to continue going over this with people I can just send them a link to the YouTube channel um we have emails to go over we have some discussions that we want to have um I guess announcements as well because we're getting close to the patreon going live so that we can start doing live coaching um we're going to get to the point where we are going to not be answering emails as much you know it'll be just podcast answers only so we'll be filtering through those um when the patreon thing is set up and we start doing live coaching we're going to be sending links to people with a questionnaire if we can
2:16 help them and then sending them a link to patreon so they can pick how they would like to work with us versus doing this right we'll still be doing the podcast answering questions and taking content and doing things like that but this is going to be um less prevalent because we're spending a lot of time answering emails for free mhm so um we are on iHeart radio now so I've got us on Amazon iHeart Radio Apple Spotify Stitcher pod Vine um pod Pocket Cast I don't know every time somebody's like hey can you get on this I'm like I don't know can I and I go look and I can get us on there it really just takes a little bit of Google search to figure out where to put my RSS feed and I can get us on there So eventually we should be on everything I know that um my RSS feed because I pay for the service puts it out
3:02 automatically to things but I don't I'm not like actively looking for new podcast streams I would rather people subscribe to YouTube because then we can monetize YouTube and do all of that and actually make money from these emails but so do you have any announcements or anything you want to talk about you have been very absent on Tik Tok the last few days yeah I have I am going through a lot mentally yeah so I I can't put out good videos when I'm not all in on it we have been getting well uh me specifically I have been getting [ __ ] on super hard on Tik Tok yeah been told somebody told me that I am um a spawn of Satan I've been told to un alive myself again um I've been told numerous times
3:48 that they would never take advice from somebody who has tattoos on their face which I don't really give a [ __ ] if you take my advice or not I don't understand why my tattoos have a bearing on the facts that I'm speaking um but apparently it does so um I did wake up to some hate on Tik Tok this morning yeah yeah people telling you you were slave or what oh I had one person tell me that I am dedicating myself to a man who will never be fully dedicated to me and I have no idea where the [ __ ] that came from somebody told me on my Tik Tok today that you were actually afraid of me I saw that yeah I I responded to him I said what a stupid comment yep all right so let's get into the the the um the the checkin and SL report card so for those of you who are who have been
4:34 following us on either Tik Tok or watched any of this you probably already know these things we went from the original three questions how is your mental health how am I doing as a husband and what can I do better as a husband and we added what did I do poorly this week and what did I do exceptionally well this week so we're at five I've added five more okay and I I've listed a whole bunch of things out here that I want to talk about that's crucial to the check-ins but I want to explain a little bit what we do and why we do them so that people understand that this is more about making a better relationship and less about saving a marriage the check-ins can absolutely do that if you're able to have a communication uh open communication with your partner and you trust them and you're safe this is not that this is just to continue to grow together as a couple right so we've added the phones have to be
5:20 completely put away they can't just be out they have to be put in a pocket or put in another room so that they're not there TV's off radio's off um we added the sit in the lap thing that we can look each other face to face and there's no distractions we have intimate conversation that way um and then you ask the questions you discuss the questions and then um I wrote down some other things to take account of when you're doing this we've had a couple people say that the first check-in that they did was hours long mhm and they saw immediate changes in their partner because they were able to have a um true conversation without there being conflict or or any kind of compatitive behavior and I think it's important to remember those things um all right so let's get to the questions first once
6:06 you've you've got your partner's undivided attention it's important that when you do this that you don't say we need to talk right you need to say do you have a minute because when you ask a question versus making a statement you're going to get a different response when you ask a question you're getting them to engage when you make a statement you can make them defensive or it has a triggering negative undertone so that's a problem and I'll get into that in a minute so the questions now are the original five um how is your mental health how am I doing as your partner what can I do to be better as your partner what did I drop the ball on this week and what did I do exceptionally well this week bonus questions are how um how am I doing at meeting your emotional and intimacy needs how would you rate our sex life on a scale of 1 to 10 are you happy with the division of housework do you feel safe with me and
6:53 what is something that we should do that we haven't because now you are taking the first half of the conversation and having a lot of like personal hard talk because those those questions are they're intimate they're hard you're getting a an honest truthful discussion the following five questions can U make sure that nobody's overworked in the home it's going to make sure that um all needs are being met emotionally intimacy sexually whatever um and then you can start using the the last question to start maybe planning vacations to find new places to eat whatever the case may be so I thought those were pretty good um things to remember when you're doing these uh if you haven't set boundaries or expectations in your relationship this
7:39 could be a good time to do so if you have set set boundaries this is a great time to make sure that both of you have the same definitions of the boundary set um we've talked about in the past that communication is not just verbalizing things it's also listening to understand being able to communicate to make sure that everybody's on the same page with everything and people always ask us about the expectations and the contracts that we have and this is a good opportunity for you to implement that because you're already in a position where you have your partner's undivided attention do you have anything you want to add to that I feel like I'm doing a whole lot talking I I didn't even know you added five things to it I know cuz I wanted to shock you so you'd have something to talk about I'm actually pretty excited about that yeah yeah okay um you want to avoid phrases like you never or you always these come across as
8:26 combative and can be used um as tools of manipulation and some cases um I want to throw something in real quick before you move on so this morning when I messaged you I'm not going to go into what the text message was about but there was a point where I said I feel guilty for whatever the situation was I almost said it makes me feel guilty but nothing is making me feel guilty I have that feeling right so I wanted to give that as an example as the way you phrase things is important because absolutely is you're not doing anything to make me feel guilty nope none of your ACS are doing that and anything you said is doing that that's an internalized feeling that I have to work through on my own so changing that I feel like made our conversation go smoother than it
9:11 would have if I unintentionally placed the blame on you with the way I said it right and I agree because you took accountability with what was going on people don't people want to be like you make me so angry no no they really don't you make you angry you allow your brain to process the information that's being given to take it in a negative perspective right I cannot how many times that I've had really shitty situations become very positive because I look at it as an opportunity to grow versus a negative that that's really what it comes down to and like you know the amount of stress that I'm under right now with the expansion and trying to do with one of the business is because of the hurricane MH I could really be falling apart and just being like it's the end of the world I've lost those two businesses instead of trying to grow the one business that we have left standing and worry about those when the insurance comes through when the building's
9:56 rebuilt or whatever I'm looking at this is an opportunity for growth because I have an opportunity right now where I have almost a year before this building is going to be back up and running that I can hire more people train them get them to do things the way that I expect them to get done and then I can move people around and we can continue to open businesses and grow right if I looked at this as a a negative aspect and whato was me the entire time I wouldn't have that mindset um so it's important that you you recognize these things your um the world how's what did the statement go um the world can't change your attitude but you can change your attitude about the world right yeah um okay so try to engage your partner with questions instead of making statements this is what I was talking about a minute ago statements trigger a feeling of judgment where questions
10:42 engage curiosity things like do you have a minute versus we need to talk the Dave Chappelle Killing Him Softly skit where he's like Dave we need to talk and he's like [ __ ] and he's like every time we got to talk it's something I got to do and that is a very it's funny it was hysterical when I heard it and every man that watches that for the first time laughs because they know that's exactly what's about to go down if you just say do you have a minute cuz you hit me with that the other day you were like hey I know you're about to do that but do you before you get on there do you have a minute to talk to me I'm like yeah what do you what's up like it was a very different thing than had you been like we need to talk cuz I'm like oh here we go right you know so that's super important to remember um we need uh and by we I mean everyone needs to start listening to understand and not to respond allow your partner to complete their thought process before speaking
11:28 work on giving a pause to think before you speak empathize and validate with what they're saying instead of just responding and this will help you uh help make them feel heard MH and if you aren't sure what they're saying repeat what you heard back to them and make sure you digest it before you give a response this is one of the things that I'm working on the hardest right now especially when we get into a a conversation that I feel like I'm being attacked I have to let you finish cuz nine times out of 10 we are arguing the exact same point to each other from a different standpoint because I didn't let you you finish your point and that's something that I'm desperately working on you know and there's it's getting to the point now where you're saying something and if you pause I'm like okay are you done because I don't want to interrupt your thought process and then us regress right um listening to understand is a big deal too because
12:13 everybody gets caught up in having a conversation they're just waiting for their turn to speak they want their five minutes of fame you know what I mean so it's important to just allow that to process and and play out this thing keeps clicking I don't know if it's because I'm touching the road mic or if it's the paper or what but it's starting to drive me nuts just got a little louder did you just plug that back in I don't know maybe did I get louder could be that I turned my uh I don't know I'm mentally not there today apparently um before you move on I want to touch on the processing aspect and like understanding I process depending on the situation and what is being said like if I have a lot of information thrown at me it takes a while for me to process that [ __ ] so if you guys are getting into like a super intense conversation it's okay to say like I
12:59 need to process this before we continue the conversation right it's taken me I don't know there was a day that it took me like 12 hours to process everything we discussed right and then the next day I had to come to you and be like okay so we had the conversation I processed it a little bit can we continue right you know I think that's important to recognize as well like not everything has to be done in one single conversation in a two-hour time period I agree I feel like stretching it out is also going to help people recognize like regulating emotions and saying okay well he said this and that upset me why did it upset me and that's something you can also discuss with your partner and be like hey you said this yesterday it triggered me I didn't know why it triggered me but I think I figured it out I kind of want to talk to you about that right I think that it's important to remember that when you have these conversations too like uh and I don't
13:44 think I mentioned this in the beginning of the check-in you are not allowed to get defensive I did not you're not allowed to get defensive in response to what your partner tells you right you are we call this the report card because you are asking for a report card this a situational report you want to know mhm like all these things and if you get defensive because you're asking for somebody to give you feedback one you're never going to get positive feedback again you're going to make your partner feel like they can't talk to you safely they're going to feel unsafe in discussing things with you um there's going to be a whole lot of other things that play in but when you can turn that off and know that you are asking for this and know that your grade is indicative of your work efforts you can't be mad at anybody but yourself so so if if you know we have a great week
14:31 and the next week there's something that's happened and I've done something wrong and you deliver it to me and obviously not in a negative way I now have a week or two weeks however long we have in between checkins to start rectifying the situation but he gives me a day or two to process I really you know I hurt her by doing whatever I did or I really dropped the ball by not making sure that her tire was changed whatever you know um but it's not a defense thing you're asking for this so that you can be a better partner mhm um and I I'm going to my mom my adopted mom gave me a great piece of information and it was let me see did I type it up because it was a good it was a good one um she said that people love to match energies so when someone is giving us the silent treatment and we give it
15:16 back to him that attitude is thrown back and forth we mirror that is normal human interaction she said but if you were able to do that with negativity you should be able to do it with love right and when you realize that and you are trying to give your partner the best version of you they should naturally want to do the same thing should obviously there are shitty people out there there are selfish people out there there's narcissists as much as I hate that [ __ ] term there are people out there who are going to do whatever they feel is best for them but when you and I are having a great relationship and you're taking that extra step I'm like oh [ __ ] I got to one up you we're going to we're going to do this now you know and like it's not a oneup thing but I want to be better because you're trying to be better you know it's uh we feed off of each other and if people do that in negative
16:02 moments you should absolutely be doing it in positive ones I agree I'm going to correct you you said when we have a great relationship we have a great relationship you know what I mean there's days that like like yesterday uh that stupid cartoon was on and and you got up and I'm like oh I like I'm big I like I'm and you started doing that in the living room and because you started doing that I kept going yeah so those are those are like that's an intimate moment for us like that's something I'm never going to forget yeah a stupid little moment in time but it it meant a lot it was fun for me right um anyways being able to reciprocate things to your partner should be something that you want to do and I again I know that there's shitty people out there can I can I ask also just for a minute talk
16:49 about how miserable people are in life oh my gosh and how they don't care enough about anything to change it like I I make conver uh uh videos about communication constantly on my Tik Tok M and instead of just scrolling past I had somebody literally stop and go communication doesn't work with my old man do you remember that conversation we had that night I was like so what what do I mean does he beat you like how how do you guys resolve problem do you arm wrestle is it thumb like thumb wrestles what are you doing my mind Rock robots I don't understand how your communication doesn't work right so we both our first thought after hearing that was domestic violence and then the second thought was it's not that it doesn't work you guys just don't know how to communicate right unbelievable so I see a lot of that and then I see a lot of I understand that I make
17:36 controversial videos sometimes and I do that for a reason I want people to be engaged I want them to have a dialogue in the comment section the more people disagree and the more you can have that conversation I know you're never going to change somebody's mind on the internet they're coming in with their belief system and that's all there is to it however the people who are not engaged in that conversation that are reading the comments that have no dog in that race their minds can be changed that's a really good point oh [ __ ] that's an even better point I didn't think about that those are the changes that are happening it's subconsciously and it's happening from people who are not being petty whiny [ __ ] on the internet people who want to grow as human beings right and those are also the people who are silent 99% of the time because they don't want to get caught up in nonsense they don't want their notifications going off and the
18:21 last thing they want is to be on in an argument with somebody who lives in their mom's basement and has nothing better to do with their time other than troll you know right um but it blows my mind the amount of people who live those lives and like we have people constantly say things like you know my husband doesn't do any of this and it's been like that for 15 years why are you still with them well why are you waiting 15 years to say it's a problem right you know and I I look at all these things and I always start to make a video or I always start to type and I want to have these conversations with these people and I'm getting to the point now where I don't even remotely care like if you're not willing to take accountability and take change of your life and like take stock and be like my life could be so much better if we just did XYZ and start working to make that better I don't want to hear you complain because all you're doing is bitching right and that's the
19:07 way I look at it if you're complaining and you have a plan you're working through it by complaining you're trying to figure out all of your ins and outs to make your plan work if you are not trying to implement change and you're complaining you're just bitching nobody wants to hear that be better like right I also get comments and this really infuriates me from women who are in their 40s and 50s and they're like oh wait until until you've been married for 10 years wait until you've been married for 15 years wait until you've been together for 20 years things always change people change intimacy dies I don't disagree with the fact that people change people are growing constantly supposed to change you're not going to be the same person in 20 years than you are today right but I'm going to grow and love I'm going to grow with you I'm going to love you unless you become like a complete [ __ ] well I mean I'm already almost a complete [ __ ] I'm
19:53 pretty close I feel like that's my final form yeah yeah when people say intimacy dies and things change and they don't love you the same after that amount of time it's because you guys become complacent and the fact that you can't acknowledge the fact that things died because you let go of things oh that's not how I wanted to say that you want want to rewind it my next sentence and it make sense so I'm glad that it's not just my brain today it it's it's been a really rough holiday it has like oh God that's why I haven't made Tik toks I can't deal with people's [ __ ] on top of my own [ __ ] so when people
20:39 say after X amount of time things die they don't want to accept the accountability that they let the things die right because then they're part of the problem and they're not just the victim yeah because nobody wants to take accountability I nailed that you did that was [ __ ] on point I I want to add to that and say that you allowing things to change with your part partner and losing that intimacy and becoming the roommate phase is an active decision and it's not just a one-time decision you wake up and make that decision every single day yeah and I understand that you get to a point you're going to get to a point with your partner if you let it go like that that you don't like each other anymore and you see it in the comments constantly at that point you've let it go and made the decision to let it go over and over and over again it's going to be so much harder to fix it than it
21:25 would be if you recognize like Hey we're not dancing in the kitchen anymore like he doesn't hold my hand when we drive or or we're not having sex as much as we should something's not right and then having a quick check-in figuring out what the problem is and then just talking about it I'm now getting in my comments women who are complaining about their hormones being off and I'm going to say and this will probably be one of many times that I mentioned sub Summit Rejuvenation centers um I have a friend of mine that owns a um hormone therapy replacement hormone replacement therapy business and um they're very good at what they do you guys can check them out summit Rejuvenation centers.com if you are over 40 years old male or female you should be getting your blood worked on on a regular basis regardless you're
22:10 going to be going through the change we're going to be our testosterone is going to be dropping that's a very real thing for a lot of people when your hormones are off you get depressed you sleep or you don't sleep you become irritable and and that's one of the emails that we're going to get into so I'm not going to go too far into that right now but knowing where your blood levels lie can absolutely change things for you anybody that's in their 40s remembers what it was like to be 20 when I got on on hormone replacement therapy because my testosterone was low I became a 20-year-old again I mean we have we have like marks in the wall from the headboard like that you know what I mean it wasn't like that before the the replacement therapy so um I mean obviously it was still a thing but it wasn't to the level that it is now because my my hormones are right I'm going to be completely honest I hear
22:56 anything you just said to me because that look you me Lord I'm going to need like a [ __ ] okay a fan or something yeah your hormones are off all right so let's get back to this um when you are listening to understand and you guys are having these talks make sure that you empathize and validate your partner that was where we ended off on that last point I just want to add to that acknowledging your partner's issues and validating that they're real and apologizing or empathizing with it is going to change the way that your partner feels there being heard or understood if I use a phrase regularly that
23:41 triggers you and you throw it back at me in one of these these conversations during a check-in and I pause for a minute and think okay this is how she's feeling about it she just explained why she feels that way if she did that to me and I felt that way that would suck I wouldn't want to feel that way so so that's how I would how I would empathize with you I didn't realize that that was making you feel that way if if that happened to me I would feel like [ __ ] I I see that now right I've empathized and I've validated you you feel the way you feel and it's justifiable now we can have a talk about how to make that go and be better because you've not only been heard you now know that I understand and I'm I'm you know sincere with my apology because it's really easy to just be like my bad it won't happen
24:27 again right that's [ __ ] nobody nobody believes that when you do that it's like when somebody's like you know you tell your kid you need to apologize and they're like sorry and you're like why are you apologizing like I don't know that's exactly what that is so um okay are you moving on to another point I will after you make whatever Point you're about to make okay so as you just said you were able to if you're able to validate that like it's a legit emotion you understand why I'm feeling that way and it's a validated reasoning for why I feel that way I think it can also be said sometimes people are completely invalid in their emotions I agree and they are just seeing red and they don't care about anything outside they're just focusing on that one thing having the check-ins is an opportunity for someone to be like okay I understand how you're
25:13 feeling I I can see why you feel this way I need you to understand it's a little bit irrational right because some people try to get away with some [ __ ] feelings I would probably word it better than saying irrational and every guy on the planet will agree with what I'm about about to say that's like telling a woman to calm down I disagree well I disagree for me I I understand that it triggers some people sometimes I need you to tell me to calm down right well you also have accountability like I do yeah so if I'm like hey that's kind of [ __ ] You' be like all right wait a minute it be like damn you're right yeah yeah you kind know you've actually done that to me all right I I think it's important to not validate [ __ ] I also think that in all of this this is a good a good point as well to make sure that when you use these check-ins you
25:59 can use these check-ins to talk about things that you were mad about earlier in the week and you can have those conversations while you're calm because if something happens and you get mad and you blow up on the spot you're reacting out of anger and emotion versus letting it calm down processing your [ __ ] and then bringing it up two or three days later and a check-in right that will go a long way because situations are never resolved during conflict they will be solidified they can be dis just but the resolution happens after everybody's calm people process things and start making or taking steps to change things right excuse me oh man I hope that didn't get picked up I apologize guys that was spicy chicken Jesus chicken from Chick-fil-A do you have anything on
26:44 that point before I move on I did and now I don't remember it was the burp wasn't it no maybe all right the most important thing in conversation is hearing what isn't being said you need to pay attention to tone inflection and body body language you can tell somebody that they're a total piece of [ __ ] human being and if you say it in a way that doesn't trigger them they'll be like damn I'm piece of [ __ ] but they're not going to get mad about it right so you need to make sure that you are on point with your tone and your inflection and for those who don't know tone is is the obviously the tone of your voice and flexion is the way that you word things it's no different than like if you say I love you have a good day on a text message I'm like love you too my inflection in that text message is different than it would be if I said I love you too right we've talked about
27:30 that right you do that a lot I know I do but I'm working on not doing that it's laziness on my part it's all it is M it's no different than me sending a k text message I know that that triggers a lot of people I could care less if you say Okay a y or you just say k i got okay out of it I don't need a a 900 [ __ ] paragraph text message to understand a point I'm a give me the details and and go you know right so um I want to touch on that before you move on you you said it's a laziness thing laziness thing on your end when you don't type the I it's just love you that is one of those moments where like I got upset because you didn't say the I and I was like damn this man don't love me no more like what did I do that is me overreacting that is a irrational
28:18 overreaction and once you told me that it's a laziness thing on your end I was like okay I get it like I'm not going to harp on that anymore it's not a negative thing you're doing to me to punish me why are you because all I can think of is the day that that happen sorry the day that all of this happened and you were like damn and we had that conversation via text message yeah I was like if I'm ever mad at you and you say I love you I'll just be like yep now you can get mad and in my head I I was like you know but like it it's so so foolish to me I don't know I was just thinking about that could you imagine that I love you yep that would be that would definitely be a moment that would be a really hard quit laugh I'm working on my final form over
29:04 here but that's one of those moments to where it's good to have a conversation about it instead of harvesting harvesting harboring harboring you're not going to cut that are you no hell no I'm not people like this back and forth with us the harboring of a negative feeling that you haven't even ver voiced your partner I'm am struggling heart harboring a negative feeling you haven't voiced to your partner okay on something that is a negative trigger for you from past relationships right that is a very big deal to not do that is how you start building animosity towards your person without like it's it's it's unjustified
29:49 does that make sense am I all over the place right now no do you know what the definition of animosity is I was going to say wow by definition it's open admitted hatred yeah that's one of my favorite words yeah I was going to say I can hear you breathe resentful I heard that I'm I'm struggling so hard with words say I got like an hour and a half asleep last night that's so funny but resentful is not the correct terminology for that because resentful comes from Envy right although most people will par that with anger and it's it's not it's an Envy emotion I um I I like the word animosity so much because I am I am a by Nature I don't like people I'm not an introvert I can be extroverted as hell when you get me a
30:36 group of people that are like-minded that I I'm comfortable with and like now when we talk I talk a lot on the podcast I don't talk like this in public it's because it's me right so I like certain people but as a whole I don't like Humanity I think people are parasites so animosity is actually tattooed on my neck because it's open admitted hatred because I [ __ ] hate everyone so I like that that was since I was like 17 years old that's been on the side of my neck anyways wow um so the last thing on that is body language I cannot stress enough how important it is to just watch some YouTube videos on body language when people are sitting with their arms crossed they're defensive they're closed off they're not open to what you're saying if their toes are pointing to the door they're trying to leave there is a lot of things that you can learn that are just basic subconscious things that
31:21 people do and you can it will change the entire conversation if somebody is super relaxed and says says some really shitty things they're not mad mhm they're just not knowing how to word things but if they're tense and you can tell by their body language that they're frustrated and they say some [ __ ] [ __ ] like it is said out of anger and knowing that can change the way your your your conversation's going and I've hit this a lot but 70 they're saying up to 80% 70 to 80% of communication is non-verbal it's you're surrounding your tone inflection body language things like that so those are super important anything else on this point before we move on no I would have to look over the paper to think of something but Okie doie I'm not trying to um so this next Point says
32:06 to use and instead of but um it doesn't matter what you say before a but the moment you drop but everything prior to that as negated and people only focus on the negative that follows so these some of these points have come from a lot of the books that I've read you know these are things that have stuck in my mind that I'm compiling to give you guys advice some of this is original thought a lot of it's not this specific scenario the book that I was reading and I can't remember who which book it was because I've read a lot on communication the guy said that um if you get a haircut or somebody gets a haircut and they come to you and they're like hey do you like my hair and they're like I mean I liked it before but they're like damn okay they hate my haircut but if you're like I like it and I liked it before they're like okay you
32:52 know that's a very different um scenario so try not to use butt in a conversation because you are going to set up a negative um tone for the following sentences that was a short one you got anything on that one all right uh start paying attention to your partner's request for connection this can come from something as simple as going hey check out that car over there or did you see that bird you know um the whole point of that is to get you to look and then engage with whatever it is that I we're trying to get you to engage in us with that is a exchange of energy it is an exchange of emotion it shows that you have an interest and whatever it is that I'm interested in in the moment and you are giving your undivided attention to whatever is happening you're not on your
33:39 phone you guys are fully engaged in that moment that happens in the beginning phases of dating constantly right because you want to be engaged and and involved in whatever your your interest is involved in um we still do that I was just thinking about the baby hippo right we had a whole conversation about how fast hippos can run and how it' be utterly destroyed by one it was a stupid conversation but fun right and you were like oh look at I I want to be a baby hippo in the next life or something like that and then we got I don't want to cuddle one cuddle one we got into that whole conversation but had I been doing this yeah babe cool hippos sure eventually you would stop showing me those things oh yeah I wouldn't have even continued the conversation it would
34:25 been in it been you know and that it was like a 20 25 30 minute whole thing where we're laughing and enjoying our time together it was because I was engaged you you made a request for connection I engaged with you and we had a dope moment those moments are what adds up over a lifetime of intimacy and connection with people and as you grow and instead of growing apart you're growing together because you're taking interest in each other's things um I wrote on here ignoring them or not giving them enough attention can slowly become the down fall of a relationship and you will find yourself falling into the roommate phase yep I've had three comments now asking to talk about the roommate phase on Tik Tok like about what it is how it happens how to get out of it
35:11 because it's something that everyone finds themselves in I'm I'm seeing videos now that because I'm going down different rabbit holes of learning right I'm seeing videos now that there's like four phases of marriage and the first one's the honeymoon phase the third one's roommate phase and like they go through all of this [ __ ] and I understand that because I've I've had a longm relationship like long long I understand that those things are going to happen and I looking back on it you have hindsights 2020 you can see everything this is where things did this this this situation changed the entire course of everything and it comes down to not being able to communicate or having the necessary communication skills to resolve whatever that problem is before it evolves into a bigger thing and you and I have had a lot of conversations over the last few days and I I keep telling you like the things
35:56 that are bothering me right now normally wouldn't phase me but because I have so much [ __ ] going on and my head is a [ __ ] mess things that I would never bat an eye at are huge to me right now same thing so when you have um The Roommate phase that's not something that I mean it's going to happen right but you can make decisions to go okay this is this is not okay with me and if I don't check this scenario we're going to be so much worse off than we were but I think it takes people getting into that looking back taking accountability and then realizing that you don't have to be in that roommate phase anymore right you have to make the active decision to start working to be intimate again and to take interest and to put your partner first you literally have to start dating right and it's not hard it's you already
36:45 have however many years that you have with your partner you guys live together they are your best friend if there's really a problem that's who you're going to why wouldn't you want to take them out on a date men this is a super easy thing tell your woman that you have a surprise tell them you're going to take him out and they're like oh yeah where you going be like you well if you know where would you go where would you like to go you know this guess they're going to start throwing [ __ ] at you and whatever the first one is that's where you guys are going that night because that's truly where they want to go that's what they want to eat that's the movie they want to see whatever the case may be they've they've laid that out you don't have to play the game of back and forth what do you want to do I don't know what do you want to do women want you to be in in charge most women want men to lead obviously obviously that's
37:30 not the [ __ ] case for everyone I've heard it all right but if you're married and you your wife wants you to lead your home and you surprise her with a date you're going to get brownie points that you otherwise wouldn't have gotten and it doesn't take a lot all you got to do is send that text message hey I got a surprise for you tonight oh yeah what is it guess that's it and she's not just going to guess one thing she's going to Rattle off a whole bunch of [ __ ] yep and you can start making notes this is date number two date number three date number four and she did all the work and you're you're going to get all the credit y big brain [ __ ] it's so easy for women to make sure that roommate face thing doesn't happen it it really is men are such simple creatures literally just put on a T-shirt and heels and wait for him to walk into theath the under butt cleavage oh my God I thought this man
38:16 was going to faint I pulled my phone out and took a picture of your butt you did it's not hard it it's little moments like that there's times where I go out of my way like I'll start doing a task and be like okay but how can I make it sexy and I do it because I know you're going to get a kick out of it yeah it'll either be a funny moment for us or it's going to be like damn that's mine something is going to happen that's going to bring us closer together when I clean the house and I walk around in my [ __ ] sheer oh I just said the FW sorry okay when I when I do that sheer thing I it's comfortable to wear that you know but I like giving you something to look at can I add to this by saying that I made that video about reclaiming
39:01 intimacy mhm and I obviously have to say not all sex intimacy is not just sexual you you have emotional physical spiritual all of the different intimacies but when I say that I mean it all encompassing so when I made that video about intimacy and reclaiming that um I was like it's not hard for women to like do their hair and put makeup on for their man to look attractive if you're going on a date the amount of people that are like well why do they go put a makeup they don't they don't have to put on makeup most men like natural beauty you know how many times I've heard women say well we don't put makeup on for us for you we do it for us well if that's the case why are you in my comments with this [ __ ] right now if you like makeup or your man likes you in makeup it takes you an extra 50 minutes to an hour whatever some women take three hours doing their makeup that's [ __ ]
39:47 insane yeah I I'm not taking three hours to do anything I sat on the couch for 20 minutes into my makeup for this right but it doesn't take much to take that extra step I have nice clothes in there don't wear them ever but if we were going like we're going to see a musical in March mhm and you better believe I'm a dress up I'm going to look like like you know I'll put on $20,000 watch do the t-shirts you know the the jeans tuck the shirt in where the nice Hugo Boss shoes I have like I'm going to do the thing because we're going out right and do I want to do that absolutely not I would love to go out wearing some gym shorts and a tank top my flip-flops because that's comfortable to me mhm but I know that you get to look at hit me like that in a way that you don't get to see me very often I also know I'm going to get some play when I get home because
40:33 we we're going to go out and we're going to be doing a date and it's going to be like courting all over again it's going to be exciting and sexy and fun why would you fight that what really blows my mind as woman saying why do I need to put my makeup on for him why did you do it in the dating phase right why did you do your makeup and put your hair up and make sure you looked your best in the dating phase and then think it's okay to let that just not be a thing anymore that that totally falls into well I landed him I don't have to do anything else women complain about that [ __ ] all the time he landed me now he doesn't do anything for me okay but what do you do for him now makes me angry yeah I um we had another person okay I'm I'll come back to that cuz Okay that that will take this conversation in a whole different
41:18 different perspective but remind me about the Single mother's thing okay um last point on this and then I have some a couple of questions how often often do you recognize and validate positive things in your partner the small trivial things that people Overlook and take for granted because that is what your life has become accustomed to simple positive affirmations can make them feel validated appreciated and seen oh my God it is not hard to thank your partner for all the things that they do I make it a point no matter what it is if you do something I'd be like hey babe thank you for that mhm you're like no big deal it's not it's not a big deal you were doing it anyways but the fact that I'm acknowledging that you did it and that you didn't have to do it changes the entire process for you right it does it for me like if I if I if I have to run
42:04 to the bank and I just happen to take your truck and refill it with gas and I come back and you're like oh you filled my truck up with gas thanks yeah no problem mhm you're recognizing that I took that extra step to do something that I didn't have to do that I did because I want you to make you happy those moments of positive affirmation validation and seeing that your partner truly loves you and recognizing that changes the entire Dynamic of your relationship it does because at that point nothing is expected it's all appreciated I believe I believe that when you have expectations it should be that each each partner is going to hold up their fair share of Labor that's where an expectation comes in but even with that expectation gratitude still needs to happen because we are not endangered
42:50 servants right we serve each other because we want to not because we have to so um that's all that I have for the check-in I have I have a couple of quick questions do you have something I do okay so as you were saying about like being grateful for things that they go out of the way to do I think it's also important to just like acknowledge the daily [ __ ] that they do it's your job to take the trash can sound and bring it back up every once in a while I'll be like damn you make that look good yeah you do because you watch on the cameras when I do it I'll watch you walk out the front door I I'll follow the screens I'll be like okay front door o now he's walking in the driveway and then you you disappear for a minute and you come down with the trash cans I'm like oh he makes it look so good like it it's super important to still be like flirty and cute and you're
43:37 doing your thing that you do every week right but me doing that cute little flirty moment with you it's like okay I'm going keep doing the trash then yeah right that actually does do that and I I say it all the time that men are simple creatures you validate us you tell us we're proud hey you're a good dad those kind of things go really [ __ ] far for most men especially men who are in there like 35 to 55 range because we didn't get that [ __ ] growing up if you if you were with a generation X-Man and you tell him that you're proud of him there's a strong possibility that [ __ ] is going to cry he may not do it in front of you he may had to go poop yeah and he's going to cry in the process like that goes a long long way with with my generation that's not something we heard a lot of um that simple recognition in terms of oh you look real good taking out the garbage most men don't get
44:24 compliments like that and even though I know you say things like that to me on a regular basis I still really enjoy hearing it even when it's a joking thing like the garbage cans oh I 100% mean it though I know you do but you say it in a joking manner when I come in every time and I I'm almost expecting that it's going to happen every single time so when it doesn't I'm like damn she didn't look at the cameras but it's you know what I mean like we know that that's going to be a thing and even though it's repetitious it and it could be become habitual at one point oh that's another thing the habitual I love yous a problem it is a [ __ ] problem when we my big thing before you and I Was Always Love You by I don't I don't want to I love you have a great day it was just love you by and I'd hang the phone up I realized previously that that is a
45:11 habitual thing leaving before you you know leaving the house love you see you later walking out the door that habitual phrase means nothing because it's a habit for you to say it before you leave if you stop and make eye contact and be like hey babe I love you and a hug or a kiss or just a intimate look before you walk out the door that means something right the habitual phrase is [ __ ] mhm don't do that I would rather not hear it than have it not mean something right so go ahead so it's going to be the last thing I say then we can go no you're good so we were in a public setting you were leaving and you left and you're like all right I'll see you at home I was like all right babe and this person was like
45:57 he didn't say he loved you and I was completely taken aback I was like what do you mean like what right and she was like he you guys don't say that every time you leave and I'm like no there's times where you and I just look at each other I'm like o yeah okay when I get back he's going to be all over me I get it yeah there's times where we leave and we'll be like I'll say you're handsome or whatever and be like yeah I know and that's it I leave the fact that someone was so taken aback by the fact that we don't say it like repetitiously to each other really made me realize that it does become a habitual thing right and we don't say it to each other every day we might go like a day or two without saying it right but when you say it my heart's going to be like oh my God right because I'm not saying it by hanging up a phone we're
46:44 walking out the door like we'll be sitting on the couch and I look at you and you be like what and I be like I love you and you be like oh [ __ ] what made you say that and be like I just wanted you to know it like those are those moments that actually mean something you're not just saying [ __ ] because it's expected of you I know who it was that said that to you and it doesn't shock me at all that's that that is a thing because she's the type of person that just follows the rules of what is expected of her yeah and that's a younger generation too which is a whole I'm not getting any that I'm done with that conversation because I don't want to [ __ ] talk people um okay anything else before I start asking these questions no okay these are questions that I'm asking more directly towards the people who are listening and less about the check in okay are you completely honest
47:30 with your partner that is a very real question because there are a lot of people who will sugarcoat things they will they will skirt around subjects because they don't want to hurt their partner's feelings or they're scared of a reaction or yeah or they're afraid they're not safe and secure so they want to Omit and when you omit things you're lying Omission is a form of lying it is okay so for those of you who are listening I I want you to ask yourself that are you honest with your partner completely truly honest with your partner is there something that you have wanted to ask or tell your partner for a while and you have not done so do you keep your feelings about anything from your partner I.E do you go along to avoid conflict even if
48:16 something bothers you and can you be vulnerable with them without fear of them using it against you and then lastly when was the last time that you truly felt safe with your partner these questions that I'm asking to those of you who are listening before a check-in are things that you need to evaluate and really process because these questions are going to tell you a lot about your involvement your safety your intentions in your marriage mhm if I felt like I needed to talk to you about something and I couldn't or I was afraid of how you would react or I was afraid I was going to let you down because maybe I did something wrong that fear of judgment or betrayal or whatever that is would absolutely kill the communication
49:02 with us because I know that I can no longer confide in you 100% I would be devastated a lot of people do that though and they don't realize that they're doing it there's people who are unhappy in their marriage that can't tell their partner why they're unhappy because they're afraid they're going to break their heart or they're going to hurt them or whatever the case may be MH they're afraid of their reaction these kind of things are going to dictate your success in the check-ins if you feel like any of these are off your check-ins are not going to be sincere mhm um I asked about the vulnerability because most men are told their entire life it's not okay to cry man up pick yourself up by the bootstraps put some [ __ ] dirt on it let's go men will cry in their car they'll
49:48 have meltdowns some of will be bakera acted but we will not be completely vulnerable to our partners because we are afraid of the fear of retaliation in the event that things don't work out or you have a bad day or you want to go to your girls and gossip or whatever the case may be we are going to look different in the eyes of other people by being vulnerable because it's not just you and it's not just this moment if you are a man and you do not trust your woman enough to be 100% honest and open with them what does that say about the person you pick to spend the rest of your life with do you not trust them enough to keep your secrets even when things go bad do you not trust them enough to be vulnerable and cry in front of them when you need to let go um that is a very real concern and something that you need to look inward on and you need to think about why it is
50:35 that you have that with your partner it is not uncommon for men to not want to hurt their partner by saying foul [ __ ] or being unnecessarily angry or whatever the case may be you know we want to make sure that our women are safe and protected and feel that way but if you are omitting things you are lying you would um Om committing your emotions and your vulnerabilities and the fact that you have crippling anxiety or super stressed out situation about whatever's going on and you try to bury uh carry that load on your own you are also removing your partner's ability to help you all of the things that I deal with every single day all of the stresses with the businesses and the finances the employees um past trauma our arguments when we
51:25 have them which aren't really arguments they're just discussions but things that may Trigger or bother me with you if I can't unload some of that I'm going to overfill and combust I know that you are my wife we are loyal and Servants of each other you are capable of carrying some of that load until my shoulders no longer hurt and I can pick that back up and keep walking it's no different than that Ruck that I that Ruck video I made um and I'm I'm not going to continue with that you guys get what I'm trying to say here it's important important that you you figure this [ __ ] out these these five questions are are absolutely crucial to having proper checks check-ins and maybe those questions are something that you should ask your
52:11 partner read them to them make them listen to this podcast and have them evaluate themselves in that as well that's all I got on these do women really take their man's vulnerability and use that as gossip 100% 100% wow look there's um I I've told you we talked about it I know women who have been in Dom sub relationships that took pictures of their their marks and then when the relationship ended had the man arrested for domestic violence that happens how absolutely disgusting right and and what's he going to say she asked for it there's there's dude people are [ __ ] scumbags and and I don't care if it's male or female people do vindictive [ __ ] when they're hurt and men like women have been hurt so much that we tend to never treat love the same way and never treat the next
52:57 woman the way we treated the one before it's um it is common place to harden yourself a little bit more every single time you're hurt every time somebody slights you you may you become a little bit harder of a man that softness and the um want to do for others after you've been burned so many times just Fades and eventually you get angry bitter selfish men it's it's no different than what you see on the internet I'll never get married again there's no point in it I see that all the time in my comments right I do too so that's it that's very much a thing do you have anything that you want to go on with the check-ins cuz that was almost an hour on the check-in no all right so let's get into some questions this is a really long email
53:43 um okay this is a long email there's okay she made some of the type big um we desperately need help before you start I know this is really long and I don't expect you to answer on the podcast I am just in desperate need of help and when we are healthy our relationship is very similar to yours so that's why I'm reaching out if you do read this thank you so much love you guys hey guys I have been a long time follower of you both Chris a little longer um I think my boyfriend and I think a lot like you um he's also 50 I'm 32 I'm not 50 but I don't so he's 50 she's 32 um we have been through a lot and I mean a lot when we get to where we are to day uh but things aren't going so well lately he tells me I have changed
54:30 but I feel he has to he wants me to work on myself which we both agree everyone needs to do we are both in counseling uh working on our mental health I suffer from bipolar type 2 anxiety and PTSD but I also have severe hormone problems with PCOS and end endometriosis um I am having endosurgery on January 12th I will admit that since taking this new hormone medication my moods are all over the place it's supposed to put me in a state of menopause so I don't ovulate sorry TMI but I wanted to show uh show how strong it is I am normally a very calm and quiet person it takes a lot to to make me yell or get me so angry that I'm seeing red I'm also very selfless everyone I know says this about me since starting the medication my boyfriend calls me selfish all of the time and he
55:17 never used to do this it normally comes out when I tell in my feelings I also get so angry I catch myself yelling and I cry constantly I have cried so so much and caused so much damage I literally have bronchitis right now I didn't even know that that was possible he says I have changed and I will admit that since October um but that's when my pain got really bad again and we scheduled surgery The Chronic pain does play into my depression he says I am taking him down with me as my mood goes down he is also having to co-parent with his ex-wife over the over their six-year-old granddaughter they raise um she hates me and I'm not allowed to be around their granddaughter and because she has full custody and his name is nowhere for right now we have to follow her absurd jealous rules okay I'm going to stop right there because it's a whole lot in
56:03 the first part of this paragraph I mentioned the hormones earlier um this is not something that I would tell you to go to Summit for because that's this is obviously um chemically induced hormonal change when your hormones are not right you are not right I don't give a [ __ ] who you are if your testosterone is low male or female it's a problem if your estrogen's too high or too low it's a problem problem male or female um the depression the sleeping the lack of sleeping the lack of ability to maintain an erection there are a lot of things that come for hormones even estrogen affecting men that way and it's even worse with women that's why when when women get hysterectomies they get hormone patches when they put those hormone patches on the first day of a three-day patch is out of control because their hormones are through the
56:48 roof as it's being pumped in and it takes a little bit of time for the body to regulate do not under any circumstances make any life-changing decisions in your marriage or in your relationship until after your surgery yeah this is not a time for you to be doing anything that is like truly serious as for your old man or your boyfriend or husband or whatever you called him um if he is riding the roller coaster of your hor hormones with you it's because he loves you and he's trying to be supportive but you can't
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