Child Behaviour Solutions Webinar: Child Obediance & Cooperation

0:00 Welcome to our webinar on the obedient and happy child so in this webinar we're going to talk about how to set limits that kids will respect without using punishments or bribes so to get the most out of this webinar it's best if you take notes because I'm going to be going through a lot of information so what you're going to learn are the three rules about setting limits that you should always follow to gain and keep your child's respect the other thing you're going to learn is why punishments and bribes are the least effective way to get kids to cooperate you're going to learn simple communication tricks that gets kids to listen and pay attention without fear the real secret to having children

0:47 respect you and the biggest mistake most parents make when it comes to teaching kids boundaries how can we get our children to be obedient and cooperative and less defiant and rebellious and resistance to the rules and the limits that we're trying to set for them the key to make this happen is in their level of respect their level of in respect for us in our word and the limits that we set and this is determined by how we set limits and how we respond to our child when they test the limits okay so there's two parts here how we set them to begin with and the important thing to remember is that

1:33 any healthy child will inevitably test our limits this is a very natural thing for them to do now in my book Democratic parenting I have an entire chapter on setting limits the reason why I wanted to do one of these live webinars is that setting limits is perhaps one of the most misunderstood skills of democratic parenting or really any style of parenting and it's it's an area where a lot of parent parents have difficulties uh because their children simply don't respect the limits they try to set and often it's because of how they set them and how they respond to their child when the child tests the limits in my book I talk about how it's very natural and healthy for children to test their their

2:18 their limits it's a way for children to learn and to grow and to test their own ideas against the world around them by testing the limits that we set or the limit in the classroom or anywhere in their world it's very natural thing and that's how Evolution happens that's how growth and learning happens so we we don't want to raise robot kids who never test our limits because there would be something wrong with that child if they didn't test them it's quite natural from to do so it's in how we respond to them that will determine whether or not they respect the limits and that they're going to uh learn where those limits are in their behavior and in the circumstances so there are three rules I'm going to talk about about setting

3:05 limits that kids respect the first one is in using connective communication when we set limits this has to do with being kind and patient yet firm at the same time the second rule is never ever ever ever let a child trample your limits okay this is a key point that I see a lot of parents having trouble with and the third limit the third rule is to understand that whoever has the greatest will wins okay so let's go through these in Greater detail these are the three rules the first rule about using connective communication for those of you who have my book Democratic

3:50 parenting who or who perhaps have um have have done my ADHD program or my parent leadership program you'll see I talk a bit more about connective Communication in those courses or in my book but I'm going to give you some of the outline here um on some of the important points of using connective communication and why it's so powerful and effective so when you use connect connective Communications you want to be kind and patient and loving okay yet firm and unwavering so that's the balance connective communication is all about using words and the way of speaking and communicating that builds the connection between the child and the adult the tone of your voice is

4:38 everything and you may need to explain the reason for the limit while when you when you're setting that limit you might need to tell them why that limit is there right for example if you have a toddler who comes inside um and forget to take their boots off and um brings mud all over the floor right you need to set that limit you need to stop them and explain to them them why you don't want them uh Trucking mud all over the floor okay so um so we have a great question here what if they don't agree with the explanation okay that's just fine the important thing is to hold your ground not agreeing with their explanation is part of them testing the limits okay and that's a part of what we're going to talk about the third rule is Whoever has

5:25 the strongest will wins and if you maintain your poise if you maintain your patience and you maintain this connective communication they will respect you the thing is you need to stay firm and unwavering if your limit makes sense okay if you can back it up with logic and and rationale they will they will follow it inev inevitably now there are times when a child is overburdened with stress with uh with hurts and they're just not thinking clearly they're emotional they're needy because of unmet needs and other reasons uh maybe there's some just aggressive uh tendencies that are built up into them maybe they're angry or upset about something else that's bothering them and they'll just be uh defined and oppositional in that case

6:13 and that that point you'll set a different kind of limit right and we'll talk about that in Greater detail as we continue into this webinar about the different circumstances that we run into as parents when we're trying to set limits because there's so many of them but this is going to give you a framework of how to apply these rules and how to apply the Democratic parenting skills no matter what the situation is so the child will learn to respect your limits now as you learn to set these limits and you stick with them and follow these principles here your child will test them less and less and less because their respect for you and their respect for your word and their respect for the limits that you set is going to increase as that increases their level of defiance and resistance

6:58 will decrease at the same time with a very young children they might not understand the reason for some of the the limits that you set but you can still start to introduce the reasons and the key to using connected communication is obviously communicating in the way that they can understand so the depth of information that you give will vary based upon child to child and their understanding of things and their age the important thing too is that with very young children toddlers um and crawlers we don't want to give give them great detail of information that will put them in into their minds and take them out of the present moment because then that can set them off on a whole different tangent and make them forget about the limit you're setting to begin with so just remember to when you're

7:44 using uh connective communication and giving them information it always has to be age appropriate and remember you might need to repeat and repeat and repeat the limit that you're setting okay and as long as you can remain patient and loving and kind and by using the connective communication it will eventually settle in but we cannot expect our children to remember the limit we set just when it's one time okay we have to be patient and be willing to repeat and repeat and repeat rule number two never ever ever let your child trample over your limits okay this is a very key key Point here if you're inconsistent in your limits then your child will be inconsistent in

8:31 their respect for you if you don't respect the limit that you set yourself you can't expect your child to respect it as well so you need to respect the limit and never let your child trample your limits remember like I said before it's in their very nature as a healthy child to test the limits you set so expect it expect it you know there's just parenting is not easy and we have to accept that we have to accept accept our children are going to test our limits they're going to push our buttons as well right and just like life's responsibilities will continue to to come at us we have to accept these things and expect them and it's in their nature to do so so we just have to remember to hold our ground never ever

9:18 let them trample even the smallest limit without intervening if you ignore the small stuff then you're giving them permission to ignore the big stuff in other words if you say to your child I don't want you eating this candy um but they sneak off and eat that candy and you have a million other things you have to clean up and the phone is ringing and you have to take care of another child help them with the homework and the the dog starts to has to be let out and and you know you got and life just starts to bombard you with things at the same time you know if you ignore the small limits and you don't intervene there then you're giving them permission to ignore the bigger limits so as much as you're able to intervene

10:04 you have to step in even with the smallest limits because then you're setting the example you're saying no when I say something I mean it and there's no give there you have to be firm in your limits the small ones and the big ones that's a very crucial point of course you know you have to be reasonable and sometimes you just don't you know it's just not the time to do so and you might have to just ignore something because you have no choice but if you can okay if you can step in and intervene and you can tell your other child to to to work on their homework for some time and you can ignore the phone call and you can put the dishes aside and just so that you can step in and um reaffirm that limit that your child is trying to break then that will

10:49 go a long way to making it easier to set limits later on so and remember don't forget rule number one okay rule rule number one about connective communication so whenever you're setting a limit and your child is trying to trample over it and you need to intervene to reaffirm that limit maintain the connective communication the way the tone of your voice the words that you use so it doesn't break the connection so you don't come across as being harsh because the moment you come across as harsh it the child will feel disconnected more and we'll talk greater about their need for connection why that's so important to get them to cooperate with you okay so let's continue on with rule number three rule

11:37 number three is Whoever has the strongest willpower wins okay so there's a hidden power struggle between all parents and children and it has to do with who has the strongest will who is the most persistent who's the most tenacious and who's got the most patience remember it has to be you you have to be the one with the strongest will the the most persistence and the most tenacious and the most patient if it's not then your child will manipulate you they'll gain control over you and then your limits will have be much less effective because they won't respect you they won't respect your limits so you have to win this power struggle okay and

12:24 it's not about taking away autonomy from your child it's not about uh you know being domineering or authoritarian actually it's the opposite of that you allow them the opportunity to be autonomous and you share the power with them when the circumstances allow it but when it comes to setting limits you have to be the most persistent the most patient the most tenacious to reaffirm that limit no matter what stop the traffic if you have to okay if your child is stepping over the limit that you're trying to set uh you know if you tell him not to to climb on something and they're climbing on it and you let them do that then you're telling them that your limits aren't worth respecting right if um if if you tell them not to do something and they do it

13:10 then you step in and they crack a joke and you laugh with them and then you you you you uh for you don't reaffirm the seriousness of of the importance for them to follow the limit then you've just trampled over your your own limit right and you're letting them win by being a bit more manipul ative and how they respond to you I'm not saying that you you know you don't you don't have to be harsh actually if you're harsh it's it's not it's not effective to set these limits you just have to be persistent you have to be patient and when you use the connected communication you come at it from Love and connection then you'll be able to reaffirm these limits without hurting your child's feelings and your child will greatly respect that okay so you have to do whatever it takes for example if you're driving in the car and

13:56 the children start to argue and they don't and you ask them to do something you set a limit there and they don't respect that limit stop the car pull over if the children are playing with each other and one of them steps over the limit interrupt the play you know you have to stop whatever is going on stop their world if you need to right in order to reaffirm that limit it's not about being mean or harsh actually it's the opposite you stop their world with love and connection and you look into their eyes and that's all about connected communication you reaffirm the limit and you let them know that there's no negotiating there's no room there for them to to uh to not respect your limit you know you basically stop everything until you get them back on track and

14:44 don't be intimidated by Tantrums that's a big um a big basically way that children can uh can manipulate their parents is by threatening Tantrums by starting to whine by starting to get upset and then a lot of parents give into that because they don't want to have to deal with that if your child does throw Tantrums if that that's an issue for you then I recommend that you read my book on setting limits I have a a portion there about limiting temper tantrums or you can get the the webinar on how to deal with Tantrums uh at the parent learning Club website so if you go to parent learning club.com and under webinars you can get the recording of a webinar that I did specifically on Tantrums because it's a bit of a bigger subject there and how to how to face these but there's a way to set limits

15:31 and help children through temper tantrums I call it setting loving limits or healing limits because often times if a child is just on the verge of having temper tantrums um then often times there's a deeper issue going on for them and you need to reaffirm that limit more than ever before because that if you don't um then they'll always be at the edge of having this temper tantrum there's a lot of feelings underneath that that need to be let out and they can use that against you uh to manipulate you and to to not follow your limits so don't be intimidated by Tantrums set the limit allow them to have a huge temper tantrum and flip out but maintain that connection while they're doing that and that and that way temper tantrums can be a healing experience it can be a way for them to just get out their frustration

16:18 get out their angst get out their emotions um get out whatever is bothering them that's underneath that because often times if a child is having a temper tantrum about one thing really the the feelings that are underneath that are motivating that are fueling the temper tantum temper tantrums have to do with something else so if you allow them to have that temper tantrum you set the limit you say no I'm sorry uh no matter how much you're going to yell and scream and and flail I'm not going to to let you have this candy because you've had enough sugar and we're going to have dinner soon and it's just not the time for you to have a sweet sweetie I'm sorry and if they have a huge flip out let them have that flip out because you need to have the strongest willpower here you need to be more patient more

17:06 persistent so patient that you're willing and able to weather the storm of the strongest temper tantrum make of course you make sure that they don't hurt themselves or anybody else while they have a t temper tantrum but you need to to stand firm there okay and be prepared again to wait and wait and wait right for them to get back on track so there's one story uh this just happened recently where I had a number of kids over and they were bouncing on the trampoline and then you know one of the rules with with the trampoline is that there's no pushing on the trampoline and so I saw that they starting some of the boys were starting to push each other so I told them I set a limit with my voice I reminded them okay and this goes on to the next step here uh be prepared to

17:51 repeat and repeat and repeat so I repeated to them remember no pushing on a trampoline and I told them them that if they keep pushing then they can't jump on the trampoline right that's just the rule there's a limit it's that's just how it is um and then they kept doing it right away so that I knew they're old enough to hear me they're old enough that I don't have to repeat it 10 times or even three times uh for them to to know this because they've been over before and they know this rule but at this point in time for some reason or other they just weren't respecting uh the limit that I was setting perhaps because something was going on with them and their other parents that they just weren't respecting their limits and so they're just caught up in a pattern of not listening to adults and doing whatever they wanted I'm not sure exactly but

18:37 that didn't concern me what concerned me is getting their respect and reaffirming that limit so I intervened and I went over the trampoline I stopped what I was doing and I stopped their traffic and I said sorry guys you're going to have to get out I told you there's no pushing and um if you don't follow that then we can't bounce now so some of them got out but a couple stayed in they tried to just ignore me and tried to keep bouncing and I just kept telling them I did I I became so annoying that they couldn't enjoy themselves there was two of them and then the the this the one of them got out and then there was just one of them and he tried to ignore me but I was so annoying by being persistent by being tenacious and I didn't get upset you know I didn't get angry I didn't get harsh I didn't threaten them um and I

19:23 wasn't punishing them they knew that this is the rule and I told them it's because don't want you to get hurt right I'm being rational I'm being logical they couldn't argue and they they they promised that they wouldn't they wouldn't do it again but uh but at at that point I'd already asked them to and I could see that they weren't listening they weren't paying attention so I said you can you can go on and about 15 minutes but I need you all to get out right now because that's the rule I don't want anyone to get hurt and I just stayed there and eventually the one child who who initially was ignoring me he couldn't ignore me any longer and none of the children were having fun because the I was being so annoying and present there that I was interrupting any play that they could have So eventually he had to get out and I wasn't harsh I wasn't uh mean I didn't

20:09 threaten them I didn't promise them anything I just reaffirmed uh the limit by having the strongest willpower and if you would have continued uh to to not bounce perhaps I may have even gotten in there and been so annoyed inside the trampoline and just directed him to to getting out of the trampoline I wouldn't have pushed him or anything like that but I would have just showed shown him the best course of action that's what we want to do as Democratic parents we want to guide our children we want to inspire them and encourage them and show them the best course of action without needing to threaten them or to to U motivate them through fears or through greed like through using bribes and we'll get into that in Greater detail okay so I see some questions coming in

20:55 here and I'll get to them as soon as I finish the the main information part of this webinar but I just want to go through these main details first so don't forget rule number one right being uh using connected communication so those are the three rules to setting limits that children will respect use connected communication children are more receptive to that they listen much better when you use that type of communication to never let your child trample over your limits reaffirm those limits no matter what and who Whoever has the greatest will wins be more persistent and more patient and more tenacious than your children okay and then they will respect you more and they'll know that your no means no and

21:40 they'll know that you'll outweight them right you so that they can't continue to be annoying they can't keep begging and asking you in a whole bunch of different ways because you've trained them you reaffirm to them again and again um when um uh that that you just won't give give in to their demands when you set a firm limit then you set a firm limit and that's the end of the story now why don't we use punishments or threats to get them obey well it's because both use fear they both of them use fear or emotional or physical pain as motivating forces the thing is is that fear is the anticipation of pain and fear triggers What's called the amydala part of the brain which actually reduces clear thinking memory recall and good judgment

22:28 we call this amydala hijacking and this is something really important to understand um about about people and about children about how stress and fear can make them think less clearly and why punishments and um and threats and using this type of manipulation and discipline is really ineffective and why and that's how Democratic discipline and using um U natural consequences and setting limits and this other type of discipline is much more effective you see the amydala part of the brain is the survival Instinct this has to do with um with our our basically surviving threats and emotional response it has to do with

23:13 stress the frontal cortex which is the front part of the brain has to do with memory recall clear thinking good judgment rational thinking so when we're setting limits when we're talking about rules we want children to remember them we want them to understand them so that they can think more clear they can have better overall judgment and so if we can keep them in the frontal cortex part of the brain which comes from when they feel that life is good when they feel that their needs are met when they're not stressed when they feel um that let that they have a good zest and they feel connected then they stay in their frontal cortex part of their brain when they begin to get stressed when they get emotional if their needs get unmet and they start to to be um driven by their

23:59 unmet needs they then they go into the amydala part of the brain so the amydala part triggered by our survival Instinct this is important to understand when we talk about the number one need for children which is their need for connection okay it's important to understand that children inherently and instinctively need to feel connected with their adult caregivers this is a survival Instinct in children because they instinctively know that they're very survival meaning their their food and their lodging um is is dependent on their connection with their with their adult caregivers with their parents so anything that threatens their sense of connection instinctively triggers this

24:46 fear response this stress response triggers them triggers the amydala right so even if they just feel slightly disconnected from you if you yell at them or if you give them a timeout that will will trigger their um their instinctive response uh the amigdala power their brain and they'll be they'll think less clearly okay they'll be more emotional they'll get stressed they'll feel emotionally hurt and they won't be able to think as clearly sure you know if you put a child in a time out uh after a while they might cool down and the the amydala um hijacking reduces they might come back to their frontal CeX but a lot of timeouts and these types of punishments what they do more than anything is they increase the disconnection they increase the space between the child's um feeling uh well

25:33 taken care of so it decreases their their needs and it increases their stress and it has the long-term opposite effect and why don't we use bribes and rewards to get them to obey well one problem is an escalation so if you start to use bribes you bribe your child to do something at first you might just have to bribe them with a treat or sugar U but then the uh the bribe the need for the bribes will escalate soon that won't be enough and they'll want a little bit more and then eventually the child's going to be motivated by greed and it's a way to to quickly corrupt the child's innate goodness okay we want children to have really strong values and to stand behind them and not to be corrupted by um by greed but if you start to bribe

26:19 them for their behavior for doing things you teach them that it's okay to accept bribes to be corrupted um because they want things and the other problem um is that these bribes and rewards for good behavior disconnect children from their hearts and their natural motivations you see children naturally want to feel connected they they're naturally generous they naturally want to have your approval and to and to work all together they're social creatures right and they want to give they're extremely loving but if we start to reward them for good behavior then it disconnects them from that Natural Instinct and that desire to be generous and good and sweet okay so there's a there's a fine line

27:04 between giving rewards for good behavior and giving rewards for other things you know I I think it's fine if you want to give rewards as a fun way um to um to uh to reward them for accomplishing a certain thing that can be a great way to Mark the accomplishment but if you reward them for good behavior then there's two negative parts of that one is that it triggers a little bit of fear as well because they're going to fear not getting the reward not getting the reward is equal to punishment okay so they're going to have be slightly stressed about that as well and then the other thing too is that children should behave well because that's just the way that we should all behave well right we shouldn't be rewarded for our Behavior

27:49 right positive uh reinforcement in terms of uh how people respond to our Behavior should be reward enough right so just being generous is a natural instinct it should be rewarded for being nice uh with others so that's that's my my belief and that's the approach with Democratic parenting is that giving bribes or reward for good behavior will actually just take them away from uh from their natural instinct now if children's needs are met right and they they are stressfree they'll naturally behave well they'll naturally feel connected but if their need for encouragement is not met if there need for contribution participation inclusion and connection is unmet if there need for attention is unmet then that's when

28:37 they start to to act out it's important to understand the underlying reasons for difficult and challenging behavior and I talk about that a lot in my other work uh you know in the seven alternatives to punishment um ecourse if you haven't sign up for that you can send an email and you can get that um or in my book that's what I talk about the very found Foundation of democratic parenting is in understanding the underlying root causes for difficult and challenging Behavior so we need to address those underlying root causes which have to do with their deeper uh uh legitimate childhood needs and if we meet those needs and if we can deal with uh stress or emotions as they come up then we don't have to bribe or reward their good behavior because

29:22 they'll behave good and connective in connective ways naturally by themselves punishments threats bribes and rewards for good behavior can get kids to obey in the short term but in the long term they cause damage through Stress and Anxiety right Stress and Anxiety where they're going to fear the punishments uh feel anxious about a threat or they might fear and be anxious that they're not going to get a reward and often times a child's a sense of self-esteem and worth can come through the rewards that they get right they can start to base their entire uh esteem and identity upon whether or not they get rewards and if they don't get rewarded

30:08 that can really hurt their esteem and um and their unmet needs okay again there needs for connection and participation and information and autonomy if these are unmet if these things are missing but you're just you know you're you're punishing them and motivating them and manipulating them through bribes and Rewards um to cover up the lack of unmet needs underneath then the the suffering and the difficulty of this perpetuating unmet needs is going to is going to cause a further damage okay it's GNA it's kind of like um feeding feeding uh obese children um you know really unhealthy food that is that doesn't have don't have any nutrients in it um you know like I say like a lot of ice cream

30:53 and just nutrient uh void food so the the the obese child may be eating a lot right they might be eating a lot but cellularly they're not getting the Nutri nutrients and nutrition that they need so on a cellular level they are starving and this is a big problem with uh with obesity today and a lot of the nutrition in our mainstream diet the the food that's marketed toward children and the general population the really cheap food is lacking nutrients um a lot so people might be eating a lot but really they're starving on a s level and it's the same thing here where we might be motivating and manipulating our children to behave better through threats and bribes and rewards and punishments but their deeper needs are are are still starving okay

31:40 and then modeling aggressive and manipulative behaviors right if we use threats and punishments to coerce our children then we're teaching them that they can get what they want and they can manipulate others through threatening uh them or punishing them uh you know uh in different ways or which teaching them to manipulate other people by bribing them by convincing them coercing them rather than using a connective style of communication that wins their cooperation right if they can just use their words and the this uh this amazing ability and skill that we're all inherently given this ability to communicate then they can communicate their desire to connect with and to cooperate with other children using their words and they can inspire people through their words right what's better

32:27 getting someone to cooperate through inspiring them with their words or getting them to cooperate through manipulating them or or um or bullying them right so that's the difference here that's why we want to avoid using these and use these Democratic parenting methods so with this Democratic parenting formula you'll never need to use bribes or punishments again and the formula is simple connective communication plus setting kind and firm limits and and that's what equals an obedient and a happy child so let's just go a little bit deeper and talk about a few points about connective communication so it's not what we say it's how we say it right it's all about body language tone of voice and using eye contact you want to practice Poise

33:15 and patience and stay in control right so the key is you stay in emotional control so you don't get upset right just be be patient and your children will test our patience you know and the great thing that when we practice patience our reward is that we have more patience right and we avoid hurting our child the other rewards will get a lot more a more Cooperative child they'll become much more easy over time because they they see that you have the strong willpower and they gain incredible respect for you the more patient and the more um more you can be in a state of poise when communicating with them remember meet them where they are at if they're returned from school or daycare uh and they're upset and they're feel they're disconnected meet them there

34:02 right don't try to pull them into your world if you're in a good mood and connective place you know you then use that energy use that motivation that you have to meet them where where they're at and then bring them to where you you are right don't try to force them where you are because you'll find a very resistant child meet the child where they are at both emotionally and physically if you need to set a limit or to connect with them some sometimes you just have to kneel down look them in the eye face to face to meet them where they're at and stay open right feel their heart no matter what no matter how difficult no matter how trying no matter how Oppositional Defiant they are stay open and feel their heart now if they start cursing at you or insulting you or these

34:47 types of things you you may have to reaffirm a verbal limit there by saying sweetheart we don't talk to each other like that or darling I'm not going to let you call me those names I I know that's not how you truly feel I understand that you're you're upset or frustrated and I love you but we're going to speak sweetly and kindly to each other you see that's a verbal limit that's setting a positive ver verbal limit and you're setting the example for them to follow because children are natural born mimics they follow our example so if you set the example in setting verbal limits right then they they greatly respect that because you're not hurting their feelings so and they want to maintain that the last thing a child wants is to be hurt by your words

35:33 or by your tone of voice because they're incredibly sensitive to that so if they continue to verbally abuse you you reaffirm that limit you just reaffirm that remember you have to have the the the stronger will right you can't let them trample over the limit but but they might test that they might continue to test that so the key here is in the skill I call reaching through disconnect okay by reaching through disconnect the only reason that they might be verbally abusive or say negative things is because they're disconnected from you remember when they're in a state of connection when they're stressfree their needs are met they're going to be naturally loving naturally generous they're going to want to maintain your approval they're going to want to have that connection with you it's only when they get disconnected when they feel

36:20 upset or emotional or stressed where they're going to resort to any type of difficult or challenging or something outright mean Behavior but if you maintain this limit and this verbal limit giving them the example using connective communication like the terms of endearment like darling or sweetheart or my sweets you know whatever sweet words you can use that helps for them to soften that that upsetness it helps them to relax more and the more that you maintain your Poise in your patients the more you show them that it's safe for them to just emotionally let go it's safe for them to drop the um the anger or the hurt because you're you're providing them with what I call an emotional safety cocoon you're not going to get upset because you don't want them

37:07 to feel okay the moment they start to open up and the moment they start to relax then you start to lose your patient then they're going to feel hurt and then you know psychologically and subconsciously they're going to realize okay they're going to feel it's not safe to open up it's not safe to be vulnerable with my mommy or my daddy I need to I need to stay disconnected in order to protect my myself because their ton of voice really hurt my feeling right you don't so you want to avoid that and a lot of this remember happens on a subconscious level that's why you use connected communication to communicate to them on a subconscious and a conscious level that that you're there with them you're meeting them where they're at you love them and that you want to open up and you're going to be patient you're going to wait for them and show them the example of of using a

37:53 loving and connective way of relating remember to be aware of their deeper needs okay so I talk about this in my book and on the um in the seven alternative to punishment and in the I have a whole webinar on the 15 essential childhood needs 15 essential needs that all children must have met in order for them to be uh stressfree and cooperative and easy to deal with if any one of these needs is unmet then they'll start to act out and these are instinctual needs uh it's it's like if we need to go to the bathroom if we're in the car and we really need to go pee and we're driving you know as our bladder fills soon we become more and more disconnected from those around us and our ability to think uh rationally and clearly will diminish at the same level

38:41 as our need to go to the bathroom increases right and soon that's the only thing that we can possibly think about that's a physical need right we also have emotional needs and psychological needs which are just as strong and they they control us and they rule our behavior um more than we often think our need for autonomy our need for Attention our need for affection our need for connection our need for encouragement these are instinctual human needs and children must have these met in order for them to behave easily and more openly so encourage them towards better Solutions and directions so often times if a child is uh crossing a limit or they're acting out um they're doing so because they're exploring and they're learning about their world about

39:27 different things and sometimes they're exploring and learning about things or being creative in ways that is not really convenient for their situation like a child who's drawing on their wall or something like this right they're doing they're just expressing their their art their creativity but you don't really want to be cleaning up the wall and so you want to provide a limit and then give them a piece of paper so they can drive they can draw on so rather than getting upset at them um you know just encourage them towards a better solution and a better Direction this is really about redirecting our children to get them back on track this can do with all different types of of uh of situations and limits that if a child crosses the limit we have to look at their deeper needs maybe they just have a need for Creative expression they just

40:12 want to play or have fun or to explore something so we can meet that that that need and but provide them a better way to do that so that's the skill of redirecting our children be inclusive and connective use these types of words like we and us and let's and that builds a sense of connection and inclusiveness and helps need meet their needs for connection and their need for contribution and participation so that they can feel that they're a part of the family so they're not separate from the family and they don't feel like you're zeroing them out from everyone else and everything else instead you're including them and bringing them into the the best uh type of behavior and the best way to relate to the

40:58 situations okay so that was just an overview of connected communication uh there's an entire chapter in my book Democratic parenting that goes into greater detail about connective communication there's also a webinar that I did called um uh the um the disobedient uh no sorry that's this webinar the uh the um dealing with a defiant child okay so there's a connected communication webinar about dealing with defiant children uh at the parent learning Club website and you can go in there also if you have taken my ADHD program uh there's a whole part in that program too about the connected communication skills so if you want more skills on uh connective communication you can look at any of those

41:44 resources now what's the secret to building respect with children the real secret okay so the secret is in understanding what the word respect means if you look at the root meaning of the word respect spec comes from um spec uh spectacle spectare is a Latin word it means to look to see to look at so respect means to look again to examine a new with new eyes so it really has to do with seeing our CH child for who they are seeing the mirror in our child remember children are natural born mimics and models that's how and most most of us are you know that's how we learn how to uh we learn new roles at

42:31 work we learn how as children we learn how to walk and talk and relate to the world through the role models around us so the secret to building respect with children it's like mirror mirror on the wall who is the most of them all and that blank there is up to you what skills do you want to teach your child you know whatever skills whatever principles whatever values you want to pass on to your child if you live those values if you mirror those values for your child they will take those on if you want your child to be respectful then be the most respectful yourself if you're you want your child to be conscientious and um generous then

43:17 be the most generous yourself if you want your child to be congruent and um and Cooperative then be congruent and Cooperative yourself they will model your behavior so the more respect you show your child by respecting their deeper needs by respecting where they are at and meeting them there when you meet a child where they're at and you use connected communication they're going to respect you just look at an experience that you might have had with with a boss in your life or a manager right if your boss and manager was respectful to you if they treated you with uh with empathy and they connected with you and they listened to you and they gave you attention they were interested in you then didn't you respect them so much

44:03 more right if they use the type of communication that made you feel connected to them that made you feel like they cared right that made you feel like they respected you and that they weren't talking down to you didn't you respect them back but look at situations whether it's a boss or manager or maybe a family member who might have a who who speaks maybe a condescending tone who or who you felt not respected by um or maybe you know they they wouldn't even look you in the eye at certain times you know how much respect did you have for them how much willingness did you feel that you wanted to make an effort to cooperate with them well not very much right if a boss isn't kind to you um you know and respectful and communicate to you in in positive and reinforcing

44:50 reinforcing and encouraging ways then you weren't very inspired to do your work right you were much less motivated it's the same with children right our children will be much less motivated to uh to follow through on the things you want them to if you're not respectful and encouraging and communicating with them in uh using this connected communication so finally the last part here that I want to discuss before we go into the question and answer period are the biggest mistakes that parents make when setting limits the first one is that they're too harsh right they set the limits they use too much no tone of voice is too harsh they're basically too authoritarian and then the other one is having inconsistent limits right and so I see this a lot with parents who might

45:35 tend to be a bit more permissive in their parenting they're inconsistent one day they're going to set the limits um and then the next day they'll let their child trample right over the limit right one day they they tell a child not to bounce on the couch the next day they're throwing the child on the on the couch them themselves okay uh one day they uh they're they're letting their child jump on them the next day they get upset when their child is is jumping on them so they're being inconsistent in their limits and behaviors and this really makes children uh really upsets children there lack of consistency because it's one of the the need for consistency and predictability is one of the 15 essential childhood needs if they don't live in a consistent and predictable environment their need for security goes

46:22 down and this low level uh of stress will start to build because they don't know what's going to happen next and they they have a lot less trust and faith in their environment so it's important to be consistent in our limits and this another one is letting the child manipulate them with sweetness or humor or temper tantrums sometimes a child will will be sweet and make promises and will beg uh and make you know give the puppy eyes to try and get what they want and the and the parent will give into that right another time uh the child might say might say or do something funny that makes the parent laugh and the parent just forgets about the limit and then just lets it slide or they might threaten them with temper tantrums uh or start to get increasingly upset and and

47:07 the parent starts to fear this temper tantrum so the the parent lets the child manipulate them through this way and remember this breaks the second rule of Never Letting a child trample over your limits then the other mistake is to be dogmatic okay right every rule you know there is it's not 100% And there's always um there's always exceptions to every rule okay sometimes it's good to reassess the value of a limit if the circumstance allows it right so I know I just said with rule number two you never let a child trample over your limit well yes but there's always exceptions to the rule sometimes it might be a good thing to reassess the limit to gain the child's respect if the child comes back

47:52 to you to you to you with when you set a limit um with good reason with good logic that shows that they're thinking clearly and they have good judgment and they understand the circumstances of the limit but they give you a reason why they you can make an exception there well it might be a very good reason to reassess it at that point and to not be dogmatic because if you're just dogmatic um without taking in a new information or A New Perspective that makes sense then you're just being authoritarian and your child will not respect that because they'll sense that and that will build resentment right you're just trying to hold control and power for the sake of power and control right for the great example here is when my when my child was much younger we got a new couch that

48:40 was white and he wanted to bounce on the couch and at this age he was small so I let him bounce on the couch for you know because it was it was fine with me it was a way to to get exercise and to play now um but I didn't want him to get his dirty feet on the White couch so I told him I'm sorry swee I don't want you to bounce on the couch um because it's a new couch and um it's going to um it's going to dirty the couch so he said well what if I wash my feet and then bounce in the couch I said well that's a good idea sweetheart you see by acknowledging that I'm encouraging his good thinking and that that meets his need for for autonomy and for encouragement and also encourages him to think uh creatively to creatively solve problems but I said to

49:26 him well the only problem though is that when you walk from the bathtub to the couch your feet might get a little bit dirty picking up some dirt off the floor because I haven't washed the floor in a couple days so then he said well what if I wash my feet and then put on socks and then walk across the floor and then take off my socks when I get to the couch and then bounce on it okay I had to admit he got me there that made a lot of sense I could see at that point the couch wouldn't get dirty and my issue the reason why I set the limit was because I didn't want to get the couch dirty so I told him okay if you do that and then when you get on the couch before you bounce on it you double check to make sure your feet are clean then that's fine but if you jump off the couch then

50:12 your feet might get dirty again I don't want you to jump back on okay so at that point I reassessed the limit and I I that gained respect and I encouraged my child again to think creatively to solve problems and to come to New Solutions himself because here's the here's the fact is that all great inventions in the world um have happened by people testing the limits by pushing the boundaries of what we know as reality that's how things get inv invented that's the the source of innovation so we don't want to impede that in our children when we're setting limits we want to encourage that and there might be times when when we can allow the child to do that right and to encourage them to do that within the finds of reasonable

50:57 limits and the other biggest mistake is being impatient right so you know here's the thing sometimes as parents we just have so much going on we're exhausted we're overwhelmed with the demands of parenting and providing for our children we might just be stressed ourselves and it's hard to be patient with children who are testing our limits or who are stressed you know and we have a million other things to take care of at the same time so it's important to feed yourself to give to yourself to feed your own emotional fuel tank build your own patience take some time for yourself rejuvenate yourself meet some friends for coffee get a massage you know get get away in nature schedule some time in your week or your month to take a a retreat by yourself or to to do whatever

51:43 it takes to fill your own emotional fuel tank maybe it's just inspiration by watching one of these webinars getting inspired reading a parenting book uh get you know getting some uh mentoring or parenting and Coach to give you new ideas to reinspect on things um you know the these can all go a long way to build up your patience so you're less reactive okay because when we're impatient and reactive it's hard to respond in intelligent ways because we're we're we get um we get triggered ourself okay so that brings me to a special offer I'd like to offer all the webinar ticket holders here I want to make everybody on this webinar and offer for a 20 minute free coaching call okay with myself to discuss your own unique

52:30 situation with your child and to help you to figure out what some solutions might be for you to deal with any any type of difficult Behavior which might go beyond the um the uh the scope of this webinar so if you want to claim this free coaching call with me uh then just email us at support parent learning club.com and you get details on how to sign up for this 20 minute free coaching call okay I hope you guys take me up on this offer and that I can support you in your parenting Journey now here's a time where you can ask your questions there's a chat box in the webinar application just type in your question right there and I will do my best to answer them okay so we have a question here I don't

53:15 want to celebrate Halloween and my kids don't understand why when it's fun for kids I explained the history and did not celebrate it growing up but what if they see my rationale as not making sense and that it's in the past how to reinforce when it's count counterculture okay that's a great question right because uh some of us might be in cultures where um where we're we're having to deal with a a culture Clash or or different opinions different ideas um so at that point you can uh you can simply just uh just keep explaining to them and deal with their their emotions and you know at that you know what you might do at that point is to is to make up your own unique uh family celebration for to celebrate something

54:02 different uh you know because the child at that point might feel deprived and that might be some resentment uh you know that builds up on the child that they might have a hard time getting over but if you can let them see the positive in that right by maybe making some type of other celebration or situation you know maybe you can make a nice dinner that night or you can uh make your own unique family outing um you know that's that's a way that you can Inspire them to be happy and and about what's happening within your your own culture you know um like maybe when you grew up you might have had a hard time also with that with not celebrating that or maybe not maybe you just accepted it and maybe your children are quite different from you and it's

54:48 you know it's not easy to uh to reinforce values and ideas um within when the when the cultural um trends of our time might go opposite to that so we need to be patient we need to stand firm and you know do our best to explain them the details and why and the values you know and then our children will in time learn to respect that and sometimes we just have to deal with their their um their their lack of Happiness uh with with that that fact and um you deal with those emotions and help them through that okay so yeah uh so you said also you see trampling over the limit of not wanting to celebrate Halloween well the only way that they could trample over that limit is if you give in to that and then you do start to celebrate celebrate

55:35 the H the Halloween um you know if you stand firm in your limit and even though they want to um you know maybe at some point they you know when they get older they start to try to sneak out and celebrate that then at that point you can you can uh deal with that limit in a different way when they're when they're old enough to you know sneak out of the house you might have to take stronger measures at that point to to redirect them towards better Behavior but for now um they won't trample over unless you let them by you yourself giving in and beginning to celebrate that Halloween or to give into any of a culturally dominant uh activity or or or celebration okay um okay so daa asks uh

56:24 can you give it a example of how you can set a loving and firm limit um so it doesn't sound harsh so I gave a few examples before about using connective communication by saying sweetie I'm afraid that I'm not going to let you sweetie I'm afraid that we're not going to be celebrating Halloween because I simply don't believe in it and um you know you can outline the reasons give them a lot of information and logic because of that and then from there uh you know just respond just listen to them and respond to to what they might have to say so I gave a few different examples already because this question was from earlier okay a question from Zara I have a 15-year-old boy who teases and bullying his younger brothers how do I stop that okay well you need to follow what I just outlined you need to set a

57:11 firm limit there and just not let him tease or bully them every time that he teases and Bullies them you need to interrupt that you need to intervene and you need to use connective communication because if you use any type of harsh or punitive communication you're going to be reaffirming that harsh uh the communication that he might be using with his younger brothers if you use loving and connective communication when you reaffirm that limit you're going to show him that it's it's quite possible and uh it's quite effective to inspire someone's cooperation by using that type of loving communication so uh so just what you want to do is to just intervene as much as possible and uh another thing you might try to do is to use what I call uh family meetings so I have a

57:57 chapter in my book Democratic parenting about using family meetings also in the seven alternatives to punishment online ecourse that uh that I offer as well I talk about uh family meetings as well and how to set these up and this is very effective to do with older children teenagers so to bring up these types of issues but there's a framework to follow with family meetings in order for them to be effective so the child doesn't feel uh so one of the child for if you're 15-year-old in this example so he doesn't feel cornered or um or uh or resistant in this type of family meeting environment so I recommend that you could also try that as well as making sure that you set that limit and stick with it and don't let him trample over it okay there's another question here

58:45 from ryell I usually get involved with my 10 and 9-year-old or arguing because it could end up in hitting so I intervene and try to have them resolve but some say I need to let it Let them fight it out what do you think okay um well that's uh you know it's hard for me to answer that without dealing with the uh seeing the the full situation you know every situation is unique but if they you know if they're going to end up hurting each other uh verbally um or physically you I would say it's best to intervene give them the example of using connective communication to resolve their issues now it it does happen that all children and siblings can get engaged in some push and pull in how they communicate and how they learn how

59:32 to share their space and get their needs met so there's uh that that's just inevitable for a little bit of sibling uh rivalry and some sibling um arguing so you just need to decide for yourself where that limit is where it's okay and where they're going to cross that limit and when they if they start to get perhaps abusive or mean or insulting in their communication or if they hurt each other then yeah I would definitely recommend setting that limit so that they can learn where that limit is and they can work within that those boundaries to make to find Solutions right so that this is an amazing skill you'll teach them if you can use this is to teach them okay it's fine for you to resolve your differences using this type

1:00:19 of communication and these tools at your disposal but to manipulate each other uh hurt each other with your words or with your or physically is completely unacceptable and that's the limit and you don't ever let them cross that and they they'll find a way to do that children and humans and all all all humans are incredibly adaptable and creative okay Gabriela says you say in your you say in your book that that I should be flexible for example with the transition but it seems like my daughter takes a mile when I give an inch oh yes well that's true right so that's the Eternal uh balance and the you know that's the uh that's the conundrum of all parents right when do we be flexible

1:01:05 and when do we be firm and that's the balance we need to reach and no two situations are the same to when we should maintain that firmness and stand our ground or when we should be a little bit more flexible so it's true and children just naturally do that often times they will take a mile when we give an inch so if intend to give an inch then we stick to that inch right if we tend to to give an inch and they take a foot and we we assess the situation and we say okay you know I intended to give an inch but maybe I was a little bit wasn't really meeting my child where they are at and they might have they might they might actually need a foot and if I give a a foot that might help the situation resolve itself and we could just move on to something else so I'll give a foot and we'll um and that's

1:01:53 going to be fine no one's going to get get hurt I'm not letting them trample over uh any firm limits okay I'm not I'm not reinforcing um um NE negative behavior around the way they respect my limits then at that point you might give a foot but if they take a mile and that's way too much then you have to stop at the foot okay so there's no there's no right or wrong to any situation right every the world is is filled with a lot more gray than black and white and that's like I said the balance and the the difficult call judgment call that all of us have to make for ourselves and for our family and for our children in any given situation when do we be flexible and when do we be firm you know if your child is caught up in a pattern of

1:02:39 disrespect and limits all the time then we need to be firm more than flexible right if we tend to be too authoritarian uh you know and too punitive and our child is being more withdrawn and more fearful and less creative in their problem problem solving then maybe we need to be more flexible okay authoritarian parents tend need to be more need more flexibility and permissive parents need to be a bit more firm so it's up to you again to decide where you're going to draw that line and you might need to recess even the situation to give a little bit more but you have to maintain that objective perspective to make sure you don't give too much to a point that it depletes you or that it builds resentment in you because that's the problem why a lot of parents end up losing their patience is

1:03:26 that they build up this type of resentment with their child because they let their child trample over their limits right so they get resentful at themselves and at their child even when they don't mean to just because they haven't stuck with their limits enough or their child has some other issues that uh that they haven't been able to help them deal with that's why I wanted to offer this free coaching call is that sometimes there's other things that are

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