MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND MARRIAGE WORK

0:00 I want to start my I don't know whether this is a sermon or a presentation with a research by a very popular group in America one of the most authoritative groups called the banner group they do Christian research and research in many areas of life so they research about marriage in the church [snorts] and they came up with a 35% divorce rates for all Christian marriage an average of 35% % I came across other groups that I've researched and they have had as high as 50%. Which means that between 3 to four to five of every marriage you hear about would end in divorce. Why is that the case

0:46 generally and you know the reason is because we are very loud on the word but very quiet with the divorce. So you see many marriages you don't see the divorce because you you don't even know where the people live. Many of you don't know where I live. Dear God, I'm saying. So, we need to guard. There is something wrong. There should be something wrong to necessitate this. And beyond this divorce rate I'm talking about, another 30 to 40% remain married but unhappy. A lot more are in loveless relationships. Relationships without love. They are just there for the children. There are many women who stay in marriages because of the kids. They stay not because there is any reason to

1:33 stay. They stay just because they don't want to divorce. And in fact, because in Christian circles, divorce is hated and not liked. Many Christians are compelled to stay together. Many people have become tenants. I pray you will not be a tenant in your own house. >> Like the two tenants, you know, they only live here. People go home just because that's your address. That's where your clothes are. you need for the next day. I pray you don't end up in a marriage like that >> where you are you are a tenant with your wife and the kids like we all share the same roof that's it but apart from that there is nothing there are many couples who don't stay in the same room anymore one has their room there everybody is in their room it's like we are we are tenants here but when you hear about it you feel it can't be

2:19 the the people who are now there some of them love themselves more than you are even loving your partner Now there were people who were more committed than you are even committed to your partner now and have ended up like that. So it means that any good thing when it is not guarded spoils when God built or created the world Bible said he put Adam there to tend for the garden to keep the garden. Anything you don't keep, you don't tend, you don't nurture will die. And that's why we have seen it necessary. We've gone through the whole year talking about very spiritual things. But somehow the spiritual things we are talking about are not translating into our marriages because marriage was

3:05 designed to be executed by two Christians. Anything other than that will not work. two Christians, two canal people can't marry. In fact, when it comes to marriage, one of the things, the reason why worldly marriage, in fact, let me add this statistics. The worldly marriages, the rate of divorce is just like the church. There's no difference. It's still 35 to 40%. So why is it that you would have expected church maybe it to be like some one or 2% be so that the world rather would have let's say the higher divorce rate. You see even for an ordinary person who is not a Christian they can have someone who is a best fit [music] for them

3:51 the person's idea of life the person's perspectives on life agrees generally so two people who are not Christians can marry and they may stay together for 50 years because somehow they are a best fit for each other do you go what I'm saying I mean what you don't like in someone else adore also do you go what I'm What you don't like in someone another PERSON ADORS. SO WHY DO you disturb yourself to come and live with something you don't like? >> Hey. Hallelujah. >> Amen. >> Or something you don't like because you you want to marry anu. Someone likes anogu. You don't like someone likes. You don't like someone who parties. Someone likes someone who parties. You don't like traveling. Someone likes someone who travels.

4:36 So our brother Henry spoke about compromises. It's another part of marriage. But we want to learn the principles to somehow safeguard our relationships, our unions and then our marriages. Oh hallelujah. >> Is it a good thing? >> In Proverbs 22:3 says that a prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simple goes blindly and suffers the consequences. Many people are suffering consequences from relationships because they could not foresee danger. They could not see that this calm gentleman can become aggressive. It takes discernment because many times things don't appear as what they are. Hallelujah.

5:25 >> Someone said someone told me that I thought I married a quiet woman. >> Hey, it's like the house has become a disco now. You need discernment because what people show you, even if you date them for 10 years, you are not going to see all there is to them. And so as a young man, young woman, this is the face of your life where you take God seriously because you need God more than you think you need him. You cannot judge pastor said based on what you know. No. In fact, sometimes they change based on what life brings. So sometimes you can even marry someone who was come but they've lost their parents and suddenly another version like how every year they

6:10 come up with new iOS you know YOU CAN NOW HAVE ANOTHER VERSION based on something life has thrown at them and that's why you need discernment there were people who married like virgins and then after marriage they are now committing adultery. So if your yard stick for purity is virginity, you'll be very disappointed. >> Should I say it again? >> YES. SO WE WE THANK God for and we you must be a virgin. Why are you not a virgin? [laughter] Why are you not? You must be. But the conversation goes beyond there. It goes beyond the person's mindset cuz someone has not yet TASTED THE FRUIT. AFTER THEY'VE TASTED IT, they now want variety. So a character flaw that exists which is

6:57 not addressed will now show up. So if you say you want to marry a virgin and some people all there is to them is only the virginity. They are also there. They have bad attitude, bad character but they are virgin. So you are happy you are marrying one. So you must look a bit more. Hey hallelujah. You must be able to foresee. There are many people who can foresee. There are many people who are blind. There are people who you meet now. They may not have much but if you are wise you can tell that this will be the next big thing in the next 10 years >> and there are people who are going nowhere. Your patience with them will not res will not resolve in anything like oh be patient with me time time to never change. You should be able to tell that this one is going nowhere.

7:42 >> Do you get me? Like those days when I used to take trusty there was a time when we were to sit in a car we rush like rush hour we rush and sat in a car only to realize that the car was not sparking. Do you get there are cars like that they look like they are loading >> but really it can't spark. So you realize that as you are here one of the most important qualities you need is your ability to foresee danger. And nobody knows tomorrow. Nobody even knows the next hour. We don't know what will happen in the next hour, the next two hours. So, you need the spirit of God. You need God. You need the Holy Spirit. This your prayerlessness will land you in trouble. Yeah. You've been playing around prayerlessness. You've been pray. You've been having excuses for it and you are

8:28 choosing a life partner, a prayerless person. Premium tears await. You are choosing based on how do you vibe with them. Oh, we click. go and ask. Someone told me that go to divorce courts, you will learn a lot about relationships. Now people who are trying to sabotage themselves, people now who are saying things that were never the case. Hey, so don't be deceived by vibes, by how you are relating and how you click and your tribes click. Hey, no, you must be able to foresee evil. So I pray the spirit of discernment would come upon you and there are people who look rich now who will be poor very

9:14 soon. Yes. Who be poor. So you need this and maybe that's that's the man for you. You need to know some of you by the way your character is you don't need a an orderly person. You need another person because it won't work the way you are. You can't be with everybody. See you cannot marry everybody. And as you grow, you realize that there are people who they are nice, but you pass by. Not not for me. Because it's trouble. It's like a bag of trouble waiting. Trouble not because they are bad. Trouble because it doesn't fit. He said, "I I will make a woman suitable for him." He must be suitable. Hallelujah. >> So you need discernment. So this is the

9:59 phase of your life where you need God. This is the phase of your life where you NEED IN FACT AFTER YOU get married you need more discernment than before you married because now any action of yours can spoil the marriage. I'm telling you now you don't know which trigger can spoil everything. Yeah. I met someone who said it started as a joke. Something that started as a joke can now spoil a marriage or can spoil a home or can spoil a spouse. So now discernment is needed so that it's like the things you don't touch, things you don't say. Someone lifted up their in the moment of anger. Those of you with anger problems, deal with it. Deal with it. The same thing. See, I

10:45 realize that anger is a choice. Do you know that anger is a choice? It's a choice. The same situation will happen. Another person will respond differently. Another person will respond. Another person will pour acid. Someone will shoot a gun with the same situation. Someone will you know use a knife. Someone will not say anything. Someone will set a trap for you. Don't not say anything but will set a trap. Someone will ignore it. Someone will overlook it. So you realize that you know the same thing that they told you like someone did something said do you know me? Someone else will be told and they will do nothing. So it is you at the end of the day. It is you. You must deal with many things when it comes to you. It is also not to excuse people's

11:31 bad attitude. But you see, you can't work on someone. The only thing you can work on is you. You can't change anybody. Complaining has never changed anybody since since creation. How many people know there are things about you that are not good, but you don't seem to be able to change them. You now you know that this prayer list you say, I'll pray. I'll pray. We are in November. I'll pray every week. I'll do my devotion. Now we you know you even the things you know are not good it's difficult to change. How about the things people are complain about and in your heart you know have not done anything wrong. It's it's almost impossible. It is only God who changes people. God and willing people can change. So you must deal with yourself. You must get your relationship with God right. You must sort out character flaws

12:16 in yourself. Hey hallelujah. >> Amen. Because something you hide for a while and many of you are excusing things you must work on. You must work on it. [music] We are not saying it's going to take a day's work. No. But there must be an an attempt [music] to work on it. A hallelujah. >> So the foundation of every godly relationship or marriage is respect. This was what one of my fathers told me when I got married and I went to see him. The foundation of every you know the reason why any union may work is respect. Two people who respect each other. The problem in many marriages is that two people are together who don't respect themselves but respect other

13:01 people. Oh yes boss I'm on it. When when they call you and they give you some assignment on it. That that's your response. And they say cook at home. You say why why am I the only one who have to watch bangubu? [laughter] They said go and buy water and come. You say you won't go. As a man of the house, there's no water. You say you won't go and fetch water. Why won't you fetch water? But I said you seem surprised. I'm not surprised. Yes. Respect. Respect each other. And what's respect? Respect is a deliberate act. You see, respect is not [music] like something you don't know. You the people you respect, you deliberately respect. You accord them. you put them somewhere in your life. It's a deliberate act of

13:49 recognizing value. See, young people never marry anyone who doesn't value you or see the value in you. And it looks like people have a thing for being with people who don't value them. Right? I don't know whether you are get like you now you are a big deal everywhere else but home. Home is like you are nothing. It's like ah who is this? Why here? LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD IS CELEBRATING YOU. THE WHOLE WORLD LOVES YOU. YOU ARE SMART. One young person in this church. I told them I said hey me the way I see you the way I like I see the value in you. Cuz he was going to like compromise like I said no you're a valuable person. There will be a woman who will come and

14:35 see the value in you like you get what I'm saying be with some someone like that. Not someone who think this one of the people I have. no value and I'm saying that the foundation of every godly relationship or marriage if it will last this if you don't build a relationship or marriage on it it won't last it may START BUT THE PROBLEM IS NOT GETTING married I think we've said that already the problem is staying married and if you are going to stay married you must deliberately recognize the value in someone you see and the reason why this is important is that they are not always going to act right. They are not always going to do right. How many people know someone you respect who has done something you don't like?

15:21 Yeah. What what was your response to to them? You realize that even if you are angry, your anger is measured. YOU ONLY LASH OUT TO THE an extent anger on people you don't respect. Yes. If your boss at work does something even the way to say it, it's like it's a mafu. No boss know yesterday the way you said look at the way you are even putting it but now you become a little [laughter] it only happens with people you don't respect and anytime you compromise on this you are tearing it down there are many people who have turned down their relationships and marriage with their own hands anytime you forget or you you compromise godly principles you are tearing down what you have built yes

16:08 many people have turned down their life and now start crying. You're now weeping over something you destroyed. If you are yet to enter a relationship, young woman, young man, look for someone who honors you. I I'm defining respect. I've not finished. Hey, that's just the first part. He said it's a deliberate act of recognizing value, dignity, and god-given worth of another person and treating them because there are people who recognize but don't treat alike. Do you get what I'm saying? You recognize that your boss can determine your salary. Your boss can determine your your what's the name? Your promotion. So what do you do? You

16:53 respect your boss in a certain way. You can dissent. YOU CAN DISAGREE BUT THE WAY YOU DISAGREE I mean one of the shest things that will happen in any marriage or relationship is disagreement cuz once there are two people who have two opinions two perspectives the way you are looking at something is not the way I will look at it the married people will tell you but once there is respect you realize that it is guarded so even in anger the [clears throat] people you are angry with you know someone who I respected says something in public And I I felt like the person really shied me. Oh sir, yesterday the way you said a thing. Can you imagine if I could talk to my wife like that in disagreement that oh like look at how oh yesterday the way you

17:41 said the like even the tone the way you know where you said the thing oh I was really shy you said oh really oh I'm sorry then you ended there but now you have become a beast at home because you don't respect and many people you think you respect the proof you don't respect is how you act. around them. You know, you can feel like you respect someone. >> One of the ways I realized that they truly respected me. One day I was having some body pains and I said, "Do you have paracetamos?" She said, "No." Then I knowing how she is 5 minutes later I called her. She was pouncing. I said, "AH, I COULD HAVE asked someone else." He said, "Oh, pastor, I went to buy it. I'M ALMOST THERE." I SAID, "OH,

18:29 I said you should have told me." So, PASTOR, I SAID, "WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING?" You see this thing I've described, if your husband finally comes 2* 10 for him, she didn't have it, but she didn't say, "I don't have it." She made an attempt to [clears throat] go and buy it, and she didn't work leisurely. She was running cuz at the time her car hasn't come to run to the >> you know to the outside there. Can you imagine if you are married to a person who could do that for you? I don't know whether you and this advice I'm if you can do that for me. Whoever you end up marrying you should be willing to do times 10 >> for them. >> It is the respect that pastor needs

19:16 something I don't have. when she came take the money said ah like there was even an offense that I wanted to give her money >> for the paracetam can you imagine a union that has a wife running to go and buy a medicine for you know SOME OF YOU SAY AH THAT'S DISRESPECT TO THE WOMAN but you don't see it as disrespect to pastor because some of you the women right activist will say why should a woman do that for a man why but you don't have any problem with she doing it for pastor what am I saying respect is seen in how you act around people. I have no question and I'm using the day as an example because she's not married yet. Pastor Christopher, Pastor Bright

20:01 Aosia, I said, "Oh, pastor, you know, last time I was blasting her, she had not done. I was giving her fire." Said, "Pastor, I'll do better next time." Steven, this morning once we said, "Where is the keyboard?" He said something yesterday went OFF AT REZA. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? In fact, I mistakenly put the message on the co page and I deleted it. Say, pastor, we'll communicate better next time. Good Stephen, when you finally married and YOUR WIFE SAID, WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT THE TV on or why didn't you fix the antenna? So, see that next time I'll communicate better. No, that is when

20:46 that is when his attitude will come. What am I saying by this? What I'm saying is that you see when you respect someone, when you honor someone, even in the middle of defense, so it happened in the evening, BUT I SAID I'M A text message away. Said, didn't pastor Chris tell you? I said, I asked pastor Chris, he also said he found out this morning. So, we'll communicate better next time. You see what am I saying? is not only supposed to come from him, it's also supposed to come from me. Cuz sometimes it feels like you should be the recipient of respect and not be the one giving it. Respect is the foundation of any union, the way you speak, the way you act, the way you are acting.

21:32 Can you act like that around someone you respect? And in the middle of this, I'm not talking on your good days. I'm talking about your bad days. And you know earlier this week whilst I was preparing this sermon usually I try to prepare my sermons ahead of time Aosia sent me questions because we put up a Google link on the page on the church page for people to ask questions and all that people ask about cle cell please don't do it [laughter] that's now you are going to fall in love with some of you say yeah please don't do there are many people in this one why do you now complicate your life you say is this one person there when you didn't know them. How were you living your life when you didn't know them? Did you come from the mother's womb with them? I don't know who asked that question, but don't do it cuz it was part of the

22:19 anonymous questions that came. But another person asks of respect and honor and this is the answer. It's a deliberate act. It's a deliberate act. Don't be snobbish. Don't use offensive words. Don't act a certain way. You can disagree and respect someone. YOU CAN DISAGREE SOMEONE. THERE ARE TIMES THAT YOU JUST HAVE TO BE QUIET. That time when you see that there is disrespect redraw. But I'm saying that for godly marriages and relationships to stand, there must be a currency. And that currency is respect. Hallelujah. >> Amen. Ephesians 5:33 says that nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she

23:05 respects her husband. So the men love is even more superior cuz they say the people you love you give your life for them. If you can give your life for someone is it respect you can't give them if I can die for you is it respect you can't respect the person. Hallelujah. >> Amen. A marriage is as good as the two people who are in it or a relationship. There's no problem with the concept of marriage. The only problem is the two stubborn people who are there. The two mafiers who are mafiaing themselves. So marriage is a good thing. It is people. That is why when you are choosing someone for marriage, you choose because another person you could have had a different marriage if you are

23:51 married to someone else. the relationship issues you have and you say you don't believe in love again the experience will be different if you had been with a different person yes it will be different and some of you now who want to now go and experience something Henry you can't go and experience anything anywhere again sorry Davidy you're a married man David why you giving our knees that high you are pointing [laughter] it's as good as it so when the two people become better, the marriage becomes better. When the two people becomes better, [music] the marriage or the relationship becomes better. So what is the work we need to do to work on being better? We are not perfect. No two people are

24:37 perfect. But two people can work on getting towards perfection. Then the relationship becomes better. So what is the character formation process? You know this week I was one of the things I was looking at is if we say the character of a person is revealed during marriage then how is character form and how is character modified or changed if you have to change your character. Number one your exposure or your environment. Your exposure or your environment. One of the things my dad said we don't shout here. My dad is he's not a loud person. So you can make your point without shouting. Yeah. It's a principle that that's the environment. You we don't shout here. Do you get me? What?

25:24 Whatever you are say, don't don't lift up your voice. Yes. We don't shout here. The environment. So some of us grew up in environments that you know, how do you even call it? Endors violence. You grew up seeing your father beat your mother or you grew up seeing your mother insult your father or you grew up with arguments. I I've never seen my parents argue. [music] Never. I've never seen. Usually my mom is a bit more open and loud compared to my dad. I've never seen it. Right. I've never seen it. So it feels awkward for me sometimes when I see there are things that your environment and there are other things I saw which were not good. Hallelujah. It's not only

26:11 good things we saw. We saw bad things. But our ENVIRONMENT DETERMINES WHAT YOU think is good is good because of how you were raised. And what you see to be bad is bad because of how you were raised. So your environment is very important and the way you approach life. And that is why you don't carry yourself and say this is good and it's good just because it's you. It may be a bad thing you picked up from your environment. So the character formation process starts with your environment. What you absorb from the world around you. Your mental diet determines your spiritual strength. So it means that 1 Corinthians 15:33 says do not be deceived. Bad company corrupts good character. Bad company. So in a certain company you are picking up good

26:57 character or in a certain company you are picking up bad character. So your environment involves the things you see, the things you heard, the things you read. So that is why in church we are beginning to say certain things so that it now starts a cascade of what translates into your character. So your environment. So someone who already has formed a certain habit, how do you you know denounce that habit or how do you get out of that habit? It will create a new environment. It will create another cycle. So any bad habit can be changed. Any bad character can be changed. And how do you change it? You change it by exposing the person to new a new environment and then now the process begins again. So some of you must

27:42 consciously read books, consciously listen to sermons because as you are now hearing something else, somehow it reflects in your conduct lateral. So one of the the the people you are married, you've never read a book on marriage, YOU'VE NEVER LISTEN TO ONE OF THE things I always do is to listen to Mildred Mildred or they they speak about marriage. It's not always I listen to different speakers on different things. I sometimes struggle to read although I try. So if it's video you watch, if it's audio you listen to, but if you are not listening to new information, the old program will remain. >> So what you are doing now came from the environment. What you heard, what you saw, what you've now come to know. No

28:28 child was born with any information. Nobody was born with language. If you were born in China, you'd have been speaking Chinese. Now in Japan, YOU WERE BORN LIKE an empty slate. What was written on you is what you were trained. Even the foods you eat, the banku you are eating probably if you in Japan you would have been eating sushi and some things. Yeah. Some worms, some snake. If you as you are here now, you are detesting someone who eats snake. If we are giving birth to you in the north, it would have been a delicacy. So you realize that even the things you have come to enjoy. So that's why we don't understand why pastor bride doesn't like fu >> and he was born in Kumasi. >> What happened? How? Like he he I don't eat. He eats jolop. He what? Fried rice. Assorted. Where did you hear that from?

29:14 He eats assorted fried rice. Whatever you surround yourself with influences you. So that's point one. Your environment. Point two, your environment triggers thoughts. What you think becomes who you are. So if you are in a very a certain environment like as we in church now and I'm speaking some relationships are breaking you know how they are breaking I said no I can't I can't tolerate someone who doesn't respect me as you are here now and I've spoken about respect and you SAY HOW AM I WITH this person who doesn't value me or who doesn't see the value in me or who who abuses me or who insults me you realize that suddenly me that's that's it's my environment who now like which now brought me to the place where now I said no I won't I

30:00 won't take disrespect it's what the people around me told me he said a man you need to have a certain environment like you see so you can imagine the people around me also told me some things that the women be careful of them see the women you have to have properties you don't know yes it's also environmental you realize that now that comment would create a thought you now start thinking about it then one day something will happen that will bring back this thought and then you lead to action So your environment leads to thoughts. Proverbs chapter 23 verse 7 says that for as a man thinks in his heart so is he. So anything you are you have planned to do you have thought about it. Hello. >> And thoughts are not always immediate.

30:45 How many people felt like I have not thought about doing something? It's a lie. Actions are always preceded by thoughts. Whatever you have planned to do is what you have done. Whatever you have imagined, whatever you have been thinking about, that's what will play out. If you have been lusting about a woman in your heart, one day when the opportunity comes, you do it. >> People cheat in their minds way before they cheat in real life. >> The people I met a lady years ago and she said on my birthday was when I lost my virginity. And what happened was I've been masturbating, watching pornography and all this and I've been imagining how it will be like and there was this guy who now came was pestering me. I was saying no one day just give it now this thing cry is he a price that they give you for it is anyone give you award and she went so you realize that she had

31:31 already traveled there in her thoughts before she traveled there in person >> the gentleman you want to go and visit after church >> you see >> you have already thought about it that one day I'll come and visit and you have thought about what you will do when you get there so thoughts are important your environment will trigger thoughts so watch your thoughts Some of you are very wicked. The reason why you are wicked is that look at the things you have imagined in your mind. Someone has done something feel like I would have choked their eye. It means that at a certain level of provocation you pick knife and do it. >> Yes. Once it has come up in your thought life that is who you are because as a man thinks in their heart so they so you realize that when you see people do certain things in their marriage or in

32:17 their relationship and things like that they have already traveled there somehow. They have already traveled there. They have already traveled there in their thoughts. Hallelujah. If you think about, oh, when I go out, I'll buy something for the family. When I come here, I'll buy a drink, whatever, you have already traveled there in your thoughts. If you go, you alone, you go and buy and come and eat. It's you. Yes. If so, you realize that when the thoughts change, the actions change. Yes. The actions change. When I buy popcorn, I buy one for lady pastor. If it's a drink, I'll buy one for her. Yeah. Because you are not alone. But someone will come and buy and come and enjoy alone. Unless the person doesn't like what you are eating. Yes. And another thing you

33:04 need to take very watch you see you have to watch your thoughts. There are some thoughts when they come just know the devil has arrived. There I laugh at some of my but they come with the thoughts. If I implemented everything that has crossed my mind or if I said every thought like as I'm preaching now you realize that some thoughts will come say this say that hey some of them you put them at THE BACK BECAUSE IF you say now you scatter the church so watch your thoughts if you want to see the devil at work watch the things that cross your mind to do some I just laugh [snorts] cuz you know that this is the devil like you should be able to see the devil because is it God who has asked you to poison someone >> is Is it God who has asked you to set a trap for someone? Is it God who has asked you to do something to someone or

33:49 no? So sometimes when he comes, just know either the flesh is at work or the devil is at work. Because as a man thinks in his heart, so is that man. You will end up leaving your thoughts. So make sure you guard your heart with all diligence because from out out of it comes the issues of life. Number three, your emotions. You must. So thoughts will now produce emotions. Fearful thoughts will produce fear. Hopeful thoughts will produce hope. Angry thoughts will produce anger. So you realize that your emotional life ends up coming from your thoughts life. Do you get what I'm saying? If you think of celebrating someone, you realize that now when you meet them, you are happy.

34:35 But if you think of this person, when I see them, I'll do this. When they come, you realize that you can't. So your thoughts will now produce how you feel. There are many things you feel bad about which are not bad. They are not bad. The the things you are feeling bad about. They are not bad. There are sometimes that they correct you and you are angry you've been corrected. The the correction is not wrong. It's the way you feel about it. Many of the things that have brought me to where I am now, I didn't like but they were necessary. Hey, hallelujah. So watch your thoughts because once in your thoughts and you are thinking this thing is wrong or this thing they said it because of this and whatever you now start feeling bad about something which is good. So watch how you feel because how you feel will now translate into your behavior emotions how you feel about something. If you

35:22 feel some way about prayer you will not pray. If you feel prayer is long and they're going to waste time and I have to the way you feel about the thing would determine how you do it. If you are enthusiastic about something, it determines how you do it. Hallelujah. So it determines your behavior. Then your behavior will determine your habits. Your habit because you are repeatedly doing the thing. You if you start praying and you are praying and you pray and you pray again, realize that it becomes a habit to pray. Then now your habits determine your destiny or your your life. You see your habits would form what we call character. So if you want to change character first start with the environment first listen to a so when we were going to marry we visited many people who said different

36:08 things to us gave us different forms of advice the kind of things you are hearing repeatedly would end up being what you implement the things you are hearing the things that are being said the things that are being coming out from the environment that's why you need to guard the environment guard who you are listening to if you follow gay university >> is that a University of >> University of Wisdom and online said the women who must mafia them they have cheated us for long. Hakimi University as you are here you are a disciple of Hakimi. THAT'S WHAT SO NOW WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT that environment is saying things about women in a certain way. So now when you marry you go with a certain wisdom. So don't give them transport money.

36:53 Don't give them say look men look out for you. When I heard I say hey I I'm followed you know they will say see less that's what I do because if you don't guard yourself you may not know how your behavior is being transformed and some of the things they are saying will look real and you will see it in your life. Yes. So now your response to it will be based on how you've been programmed to. So if you want to change your character or or form new character, it is first your environment, first what you are hearing, first what you are seeing, first what you are reading. Hallelujah. >> Now with all this being said, you must

37:39 be ready. What's the name? You must be ready to learn. You must be ready to unlearn. You must be ready to relearn. There are people who have learned already but you must relearn some things less kindness. K kindness can be a fruit of the spirit but it can also be learned. Self-control can be learned. You can learn to control yourself. Are people who can't control themselves. It's like a car without a brake. There and there are people like that. It's like a Bugatti that has accelerator with no brakes. They are not able to break themsel. And I say it all the time. You go to prison, you always see someone there who couldn't control their emotions and they've killed someone, they've done something, now they are living in regret. But you've destroyed a thing already. You must be willing to learn

38:24 things that you don't have. You know, you walk to people's life and say, "This is how I am. Accept me." No. Don't accept anyone the way they are. They must be willing to learn. This may be how I may have met you. But if your conduct is injurious to a relationship, then you must, you know, discard that conduct and learn conduct. You know some of you at your core your actions don't make for relationships the way you are the way you are like the way you are at your core you can't marry anybody you can't be in a relationship with anybody so does it mean there is no hope for you no there is hope there is hope because you can learn new traits you can learn new things you can aspire to change some of you the way you are lazy you can't work out anything you are

39:12 a Man, you like sleep, your family will be hungry, the home will be empty. So instead of saying this is how I am, accept me. If it is not a positive trait, then learn it. The women, you come into a a home and you are saying no me, you know the women are emotional. What do you MEAN BY THAT? IF your emotions are destroying the family, we should allow your emotions to destroy the family. No, you must become emotionally mature. The men he said this is how men are. You know men are clumsy you know and that attitude is destroying the home and then you are expecting us to understand you are a man. No change it. Tell your neighbor change. >> I've been meaning to tell you this for a while now. Don't say I'm looking for someone who accept me the way I am. No.

39:57 When you woke up your clothes were not the way THEY WERE. YOU IRONED THEM BECAUSE YOU WANTED to look good. If anything will look good you must be willing to work on it. >> Your mouth was not smelling this good. You were willing to brush your teeth >> when you woke up. Everybody has body order. Do you know that? It is interventions, >> lime, you know, bleach [laughter and snorts] cuz some sense is bleach that can remove them. Deodorants, perfumes. So when you you smell someone, you know, smelling vanilla, they didn't wake up like that. It's an intervention. So you must be willing to make interventions in your character in whatever you are. This is how I am. IF THIS HOW YOU ARE IS SPOILING SOMETHING, YOU MUST CHANGE IT. And I realize that

40:44 people can't change what they don't accept as a problem first. >> You must first accept it. That this thing it is not it doesn't build. This thing looking to myself alone all the time. It doesn't build. See, there are people whose anger has made them left many good relationships. If you hear what happened, it didn't arrange a breakup. But you dear because you are anger. Bible says that anger, you know, dwells in the bosom of a fool. It's a fool because it you destroy good things. It's one of the questions someone asks. IF YOU DON'T control it, if you don't pray, go to the Holy Spirit, God, you realize that your reactions would always

41:30 be much more than they should be and you keep on destroying good things with no intentions of your you've now said let's break up and the person say okay because the person who has endured you for long now you said let's break up say okay I've changed my mind the person said no okay listen you must be willing to learn and learn and relearn so that our relationships can become better. The provocations will be there. The challenges are not going to go anywhere. Your reactions can change. But I want to stress this because of our time. I'll stress it before I go or before I walk away. Listen,

42:17 respect. Look out for people who honor you. And if you are married already, David, Henry, all the married people who are here, listen, you can decide to respect the person you are with by seeing their value, by seeing their worth, by seeing who they are. Not as sometimes the respect you have with someone, you can still communicate. It doesn't mean you you don't communicate when you see something wrong. Don't don't get it twisted. How many people I I respect and I talk to, I will never keep quiet. out. It's one of the attributes about me. But it is the way you do it. It is not what you have said or whether you have said something or not. It's the way [music] you say it. And I pray that at the end of the day,

43:04 we all be with people. Some of you are in relationships now. Sit with your partner and tell your partner these are the values we want to have. We respect each other. We'll do this. We agree on it and work towards it. It doesn't mean you should leave every every relationship. There should be some work put into it. And I pray that we'll have godly marriages that will be examples to people everywhere. God bless you. I'll take two questions quickly and we'll be out of here. Two questions quickly. Oh, hallelujah. [applause] I'll take two questions quickly. When you go into a union, go with yourself. Go with everything. Don't hide. Bible said the two of them were naked and were not ashamed. Don't now go and be covering things and hiding things. No. If you know you can't be naked to this person, [music] you know you can't give

43:50 to, don't marry them. Don't marry them. And there are people who is difficult to respect, avoid them. Like the way the person is, you may never be. There are people who you can't respect. Do you know that? So just avoid them so that we don't come and destroy any any good thing God will do. Please, is that okay? Quick, quick, quick. Our time is up. [music] Then let's go. Two extra questions. On a normal day, this shouldn't have been a problem. I said marriage is good. It's the people in it. This thing you are talking about. I know a K USD professor who is married to someone who is way less but she cooks in her house. Nobody serves her husband. I went we went for um what's the name?

44:36 um um a conference in K USD about 12 years ago and that was when the woman herself came with the husband. The woman came with the husband at home. The man still has his place. So if it's the person involved, she said he told us he said nobody serves my husband's food apart from me. It's her mindset. It may not work for someone else. So on a normal day it shouldn't be a problem but because of how we are do you get what I'm saying? Genuinely so if you look at the person in context and you realize it's such a big deal for them or the person has insecurity problem don't go and juggle with it. Do you GET ME? BUT ON A NORMAL day we should still be able to function if we are too good Christians.

45:22 >> If we are too good Christians but so that's why you must cut people. You must date them. You must study them and you must discern cuz sometimes you can cut for 5 years, date for another five. There are things you will not see till you marry. So that one discernment comes in. And there are people who you just know this one is not for me. Everything appears right. But you know that this one not every good person is yours. So this education level may not be a problem because many people have done it. But they have been able to do it because of who they are. It may not work for someone else because the man will now always be insecure about everything the woman says or the woman will also now boss. That fear is genuine because some women are like that. >> Yes. Even some of you who are married I know someone who has married his classmates.

46:10 So there are real experiences. Do you get me? That's why people behave that like that. But if you find a good person and there are exceptions, you should be fine. Is it safe to get into a relationship or a marriage and have something like a non-negotiable? >> Yes. >> Where you tell the other person that this is a deal breaker for me and once we at this point I don't think there's a turning point for me from there on. I don't think that we should have absolutes like that right because you see there are things when you say them right you you say them it becomes difficult to get by back from because something you are saying is a non-negotiable for you may be the one who offends it life is so

46:58 interesting you are saying that cheating is a non-negotiable whether what what if you were the one who went to cheat not you do you get what I'm saying you say if you it. So now you realize that you need grace but because you think you have superior moral life e travels more sometimes you'll be you'll be less judgmental of those who got pregnant without marriage and things if you look at maybe you've not come across someone you truly like before in a someone you are sexually attracted to. So what I'm saying is that the principle should exist. We should all know what we stand for. But be careful in saying some things and declaring some things. Not

47:43 because you will not live to them, right? We should take the days as it goes. As in my marriage now, we have principles. But we not start to say, hey, we'll divorce if this happens. No, because what if we can work at it? What if we can forgive? I'm saying what if? And when you get there and it cannot be done, we would examine the situation on its own merits. Do you get what I'm saying? Are you getting [music] what I'm saying? I'm not saying that don't say it so that you can go and fool. But I'm saying that you now say it and you have offended it yourself. So now what do you do? Because you don't know what life would bring. I'll give you an example. Some few years ago, one of my fathers used to when I started ministry, pastoring, he used to allow me for counseling sessions that he was having,

48:29 you know, and we had this church girl, very cre whatever, whatever, who was acting a certain way to the husband when it comes to, you know, relationships and all that. And then one day they had a problem at home. She went to work. She doesn't, I think they had a work party or something. She someone slept with her in the washroom. like they just went to the washroom and in a few minutes it was done. You know the worst part? The person said they were feeling bad. So they came to confine in the husband that I did something bad you know with your wife and I feel so bad about I'm coming to ask for forgiveness. >> Yes. Now it has come for counseling. But you were the one who was riding the high moral horse. So how do we give you grace now?

49:16 IT WAS A MISTAKE. HOW do we believe it's a mistake now? because you so that's why I'm saying that it's not to say don't have principles but if you say I will divorce you with this and you are now the one who somehow life has brought them so should we change the rules now because it's you so if we are Christians we all have the principles we know we can communicate family principles here like I said last week we don't fight about third parties the fights may try coming but I always say hey we are not going to fight about anybody who is living their life in their It's a principle. Do you get what I'm saying? But when you are talking about negotiables for divorce and all that, make sure you are not preempting yourself because it's a journey. And when you get there, maybe counselors and

50:01 you can see how you handle it on his own merits. Do you get what I'm saying? I also have the opposite. A man who went to sleep with a woman now the woman say she's feeling bad. You know there are some things when they happen and nobody knows. We can just go along. But now that someone said I feel so bad I feel like I have to come and seek forgiveness. SO NOW IT HAS COME UP. WHAT WOULD you do? I will not sit here and say divorce because there was adultery. There are many people when there was adultery. It say it's a basis. It doesn't mean it should be hello. It can if the other spouse said on this basis I am leaving. That's when Bible said okay there's SOME JUSTIFICATION BUT THE person can have it and forgive and the union will still go on. So since you

50:47 don't know how there and it's also not for fear that you may be the one who offends I'm just asking a question. There are many variables that can play in it, right? It is better that when the situation happens then you can let your partner know that my principles or my values will not add like will not allow me to continue from here. That's different from the things haven't happened and you have already put things in the atmosphere. Sometimes it's almost like when you say it what I fear has happened would happen. divorce and stuff. >> Good person. >> Good. So abuse takes many forms. It's not only physical abuse that's abuse. There's verbal abuse, you know, but abuse has actually killed people. So for me, I believe a crime is a crime.

51:32 >> Do you get what I'm saying? Because this we want to negotiate now by the time you see the person has been killed, especially when it's physical abuse. But verbal abuse, emotional abuse is a precursor to physical abuse. I don't know whether you are getting one day the way you are talking to this person you will slap them do you get me the way you are acting when there is a problem you will do something so sometimes you must nip the emotional and the verbal abuse in the back because if you can talk to someone like this you can easily hit them I don't know whether you are getting me it will never cross my mind to hit set like do you get what I'm saying like if I honor the person like how can I slap someone I honor so abuse we deal with it from the verbal in the emotional, right? Then when it comes

52:19 to physical abuse, that one see a counselor. Two, if there's a need for temporal separation, separate because someone who says, "I'll do something, I'll do it, will finally do it cuz there is a life at stake." The the survival of the individual is more important than the marriage continuing. And it doesn't mean you have to stay in the same house. So once the person is acting that way, professionals must get in. Sometimes the law must get in. Yes. If arrest and orders have to be given because women were threatening. Sometimes they even separate and the man will go and find her with a gun and something. So ch that one when it comes to me I'm not going to say we don't pre- divorce. We may not divorce at that instance but maybe someone has to sleep at counter back

53:06 small overnight few days to reset >> uh reset agenda. So my question is as a Christian gentleman or a lady a young lady maybe in university when is the right time to start a relationship because okay let me okay there is no right time listen there are 45 year olds who are not ready you are not ready because you are in final year now you are not ready because you've been a medical officer for 5 years you You need emotional maturity. You need physical maturity because see the way marriage is, you need maturity to navigate many things. Let me say this

53:51 to you. I told lady pastor, I've not changed my position. Even on our worst days, I will still love you. It has not. My love for you hasn't changed. There are people who become enemies because there is disagreement. Yes. Do not do this. Do not do that. Hey, hey, what is it? War. You need maturity. Can you still love someone who you have a disagreement with? It takes maturity. Can you still respect someone who you disagree with? It takes maturity. So if you are not emotionally matured, financially ready, don't start dating. And Christians, I tell them there is no rush to marry if you don't see to date. If you don't see marriage in sight >> and this is the reason, what would you be doing? >> Exactly. >> I'm not saying you should date for

54:37 marriage. That's not what I'm dating. That's what I'm saying. If you can't see that in 3 years, this someone I can marry. Don't go and and this is the reason you are now there. You are now trying to have self-control. You you are now doing things you shouldn't do. You are struggling. Listen, the question is whether you are ready not to try someone. Not because you have feelings for someone. Am I ready to marry them? You may not have money now but from the plans you have made for your life you can see that in 3 years I can marry them. So you meet the person and you discuss your full plans with them. If they agree then you start [music] the journey but the main thing is that are you matured to handle this person's excesses to handle it is not timelines cuz there are

55:23 people who are doctors for 8 years now they are not ready. You can have the money the car the house that's not what makes you ready. the important questions you must ask yourself and answer. And once you can be honest with the answers, then you can date. You can be in MB2 and ready. >> Yes, you can be in first clinical and ready for marriage. Please, I hope you are getting. So there are no timelines. Let's pray. Father, thank you for this morning. We give you praise. We give you honor. We give you adoration. In the name of Jesus Christ, we pray. Amen. >> Thank you for listening to the sermons of Reverend Dr. Albert Agby. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @ edifyurch life. Listen to more of his sermons on our Telegram at Edify Sermons and Edify Church Spotify platforms. Thanks for

56:10 being a part of our Edify Church family. Be blessed by this word of God.