راز ارتباط مؤثر | فن بیان، زبان بدن و مهارت‌های نرم (قسمت ۴۲)

0:00 Often, the reason behind my statement that I am very dedicated and selfless is that I don't know how to set boundaries. Most of the problems in conversation are not because we don't say certain things. It's because we don't hear some things. The lasting beauty that stays in people's minds is knowing how many hours they can talk to you . One thing I highly recommend to parents is that if you go out with your child, encourage him to talk to a stranger. Tell me, the people in your life, the important person in my life, the unimportant person in my life. We have people who have a bare brain. A person can even start from scratch, but to make a powerful and influential statement, in today's world, which really requires first

0:46 working on their own sense of worth, you wouldn't realize that the only thing that doesn't come back is time. The guest of this episode of Roshan Dialogue, Episode 41, is the Iranian angel, a master of communication and public speaking skills. It was one of those episodes where I had something in mind that I wanted to say, but the guest expressed it with better skill than me before I did. It ends up to our detriment because we are shy. Since we remain silent and then say, "Oh, I should have said something," we open our mouths because we don't know how to speak at all. We ruin something very beautiful forever. Watch and use this episode

1:31 . Dear Angel, you are very welcome. It was very interesting to me that before we recorded, you told me what our coordination would be, and since we had talked before this meeting, I was thinking, "Well, what coordination?" And then I realized that you meant, " Who should I address you to and what should you call me?" And this program was very interesting, and we get to a very sensitive topic that is rarely talked about: the art of conversation, the art of speaking, the art of communication, communication. Why did you open that discussion before we even started the podcast ? Exactly, hello, thank you very much for your invitation and I'm glad to be here now. Exactly, maybe this is one of those small

2:18 communication tips that in many places, by observing it, we can have a better relationship with our counterpart. Maybe asking this question not only in a formal and serious work environment, but even in a family or a new family that we enter, a new friendly group that we enter, helps us get to know that group better and communicate in a way that makes those people really comfortable. I mean, maybe because this is my area of expertise, I subconsciously asked, "What would you like me to call you?" How would you like to be treated? What would you like the tone of our podcast to be like? Thank you for being so open, friendly, and transparent here so that we can raise awareness together. Thank you very much. Many times we see someone and they look beautiful

3:06 . Wearing a beautiful dress. Her face is very beautiful. We sit down, he opens his mouth, and we say, "Wow, I wish he had n't opened his mouth at all because he didn't know how to speak." You just said that we are moving into a new family. Could you explain what you meant? Yes, I mean our relationship. I mean, even for young people, marriage happens. I mean, I think many of us realize the necessity of communication when we get married . Our daughter and son enter the engagement and marriage stages, encounter a new family, tribe, and culture, and they just realize, oh my goodness, everything is so different from school, university, and our friend group. And maybe

3:51 this is where people feel like, well, I have no choice but to either know and take responsibility myself, or point fingers at the husband's family, the wife's family, and all these things that we hear a lot about. I feel like it's just because I don't know. Many times, when we learn, not just in a new family, a new culture, a new country, we can easily use these formulas everywhere and have a more comfortable life ourselves . You said it was very beautiful, the part where people get caught up in their appearance. I think that in today's world, it's become more common for everyone to buy and wear really nice clothes. Everyone should style well, do their makeup well, maybe the impact will

4:36 eventually be social media, but in my opinion, this is what will last. That physical beauty is incredibly important for the first few minutes. It's undeniable at all, and it's the first impression it makes on people that counts. But the lasting beauty that stays in people's minds is knowing how long they can talk to you . How many days can I hang out with you? You're one of those people who, in 5 minutes, will be finished, or you have a lot to say, or you can gain a lot by hanging out with them . I think that beauty, that real charm, is actually after we start talking. And where did you learn to talk so beautifully? Stay alive. My mom has been reading to me a lot since I was five years old

5:24 . I always said, I always said, I am very grateful to him. From that time on, he reads me about three to four books every night, with the right tone. I believe that if parents knew that at this age, if they talk to children and read books more, they would give them a wealth of vocabulary, a wealth that they could use a lot in the future. Later, I worked in theater. But it actually started when I felt like I was a very confident person. I was n't afraid to speak in public. When I entered the job market after university, I realized that no, you were right. You felt like you

6:12 were a very confident person, but it's not just that. You need to know skills, you need to know techniques. You even need to have a higher sense of worth, which I did n't have. And that's what made me very specialized in my field, even though I was very well educated. Because the first job I got was teaching. I started high school as a teacher and then went to I saw the title of entrance exam consultant. My students' satisfaction is very high, but my salary is the lowest of all, but the promotion and growth that I want is not achieved at all, and that was just a place where I felt the need. I took a lot of classes. There really is probably no domestic or foreign class that I have not taken in this field, in the field of art of speech, in the field of communication, communication skills.

7:00 And when I was learning, the further I went, like a sea that becomes more and more intense when you taste it. I felt how vast the world is and how much I still have. I do n't know. It's great to be alive. So we need a series of tools to talk and communicate. Exactly. And you have had these tools since the age of four or five when your mother reads to you. You would record them in your mind, in your subconscious. Hey, exactly, this was the story of the computer. We would save them. Hey, it's saved. One thing that happened last night and was very interesting to me because I could relate it to this topic was that yesterday I

7:46 was talking to a 17-year-old boy. I was doing this to my students and they came to me and apologized. I told them I was sorry if I did that on social media, it was a mistake, a mistake, or a mistake. I asked them what they did. He said that one of your competitors had posted a post because two of my friends were on that team. I shared it and commented on it. Now that I think about it, I feel bad because they are your competitors. I told him, " Look, I didn't know this at all. I did n't know you did this. But the fact that you are brave enough to put aside your pride and say this is very beautiful at this age. But what happened? You told me this. Now we're getting to the

8:32 main point. My daughter, I came to say hello to her yesterday. She was very serious. She said, "What you did was very ugly to my father. My father worked so hard for you. And I enjoyed it so much at that moment because we are used to putting on masks for each other. For example, I'm upset with you. I come here and laugh at you. Then I throw it at myself. Then this gets bigger. This anger gets bigger. It gets bigger. I'll throw it at my child. I'll throw it at my employee. I'll throw it at that person who passed me on the street." And then on the way back, I made excuses. What did you say to this friend of ours, Kohna ? He said, "It's completely unacceptable to me that someone would talk about you like that." I said, "Okay, what was your tone?" And he explained to me,

9:19 and I said, "How much further ahead of me is this, my father?" A girl who is not yet 17 years old can stand up to someone who has disrespected her and respectfully say, "No, you have crossed this line and it is unacceptable." Border setting, so where does this come from? Now he's seen a series of them from my side. You know, children of this age have a lot of access to information, and I want to say that this is an example of a tool of thought that our parents didn't teach us, not because they didn't want to, or because they didn't know it themselves, because they do n't teach it in school and university. Now I want to say this: If you want someone who doesn't know how to speak, instead of saying yes, they say yes.

10:07 Instead of saying yes, you say, "He's in different places," each has its place. When you encounter a person like that, what do you base the development of the other side in conversation and communication on ? I mean, what is that first step? What a beautiful question that was. I think this question will open some good doors and we can have some nice conversations here. Since I studied genetics, let me say this because it's interesting. Many people see me and ask, " Well, isn't speaking well genetic?" Well, we see many children who speak very well, and at the same time, we see many children who have a hard time communicating. I was one of those kids. So you can't expect me to even make a speaker out of me, for example

10:54 . While this is completely wrong. Genetically, our verbal intelligence, which is related to our vocabulary, use of words, and even the tendency to communicate a lot with others, is about 30 to 40% controlled by genes, so 60 to 70% is completely acquired and controlled by the environment. Now, I always give this example to my students. I say, imagine this person was born with 30 to 40%, meaning he has all the genes related to verbal intelligence, but it doesn't work at all . It doesn't practice, it doesn't reinforce, it does n't receive training, and you don't have all of your 30s and 40s, but you make an effort, you practice, you lay the

11:40 foundations, you build your vocabulary, and you move forward. In the end, this is 34 left, but you are 7. So you are the winner. So it's something we can easily learn. Now, naturally, someone who has the genes or has been able to do it very well since childhood or even grew up in a rich environment, so naturally, we 're not going to put motivational words here that can't be implemented, but now how can I take the right steps so that ultimately this person's appearance, the words that come out of this person, are very beautiful and beautiful? Many people start from appearance, meaning, for example, they say, "Mr. Roshan, if your voice were a little lower and you spoke like this, it would be much more beautiful." Or, for example, if you

12:26 say your words instead of this, this would be much nicer. But I believe this is what that person looks like. We need to address something more deeply and internally in order to be able to speak more beautifully, and that is this. In many of my courses, I start from the basics. You won't believe it. In the first two weeks of my training, I never go to words, I don't go to voice, I don't go to tone, the things that everyone expects to be taught right away. I go to that self-esteem, I go to self-confidence, and I go to inner ways that we don't know we have. Often, I have a world of things to say to you, to you, the kind of person who is important in my life, but when I get

13:11 to you, I get confused or I'm constantly thinking about how you're judging me. What do you think he thinks about me now ? I haven't whistled here. Now, what do you want me to say when I leave the room? And we can't believe that just talking to ourselves is keeping us from saying all those beautiful words, all those good phrases that we could say . So if I were to say a step, if someone really wants to start from scratch but make a powerful and influential statement in today's world, they really need to first work on their own sense of self-worth so that it doesn't suddenly shake them. Then they need to learn skills. Then they need to fill themselves with information. A lot of times when we do n't have anything to say, it's because we have

13:59 n't really learned anything new, we have n't socialized with new people, we haven't gained any new experiences in our lives . So when life is going very normally, it's natural for you to say I'm a quiet person. I can't find anything to say . So then it's important that I fill myself with information and then it's time for me to expand my vocabulary. If I know where to start and where to end, the arrangement of words will be more beautiful. Then tone, then voice, and then stress control in front of a crowd. I think this is the staircase that people have to climb to get to that point, otherwise they might step on the same sound. Suddenly, they step on that last staircase and at any moment it might shake and we might fall. Can anyone be a good speaker? And by

14:47 speaker, I don't mean someone who goes behind a podium and talks to 500 people. A speaker might be someone who can talk nicely to one person. I'm saying that maybe at one time, this was an option. This was a choice. Well, the number was very small. Only speakers and lecturers had to go and learn this skill . But in today's world, you and I are sitting in front of each other right now, solely because of this ability. I know that Mr. Roshan speaks so well that many people like to sit and listen to his talk, and perhaps that's why he invited me. I know that this person's words can be interesting. And in today's world, where we can all easily use the potential of social media, I think everyone

15:33 should start learning it and doing it. Yes, it's a path that may be longer for some people and faster for others, but of course, everyone can become a very good speaker and make influential speeches because there are a lot of techniques and formulas. Exactly, you play football, you work. It's like me saying, "I'm not a very good athlete, but come on, I can learn football." I may not be Ronaldo, but I can play football. So the levels may be different, but just like football, which is learned, its technique is learned, and oratory has a formula and technique, and the sooner we start, the better. It's interesting that our brain has a property called neuroplasticity,

16:20 meaning it has neural flexibility. This means that the words they always told us that after a certain age, the brain stops learning, somehow turned out to be just an excuse for people who wanted to use age as a tool to not try. Now, research shows that our brains, with their neuroplasticity, have the ability to build new neural pathways at any age. But naturally, the sooner we start, the more time we may have to use this powerful skill . So it's never too late. Definitely. One thing I highly recommend to parents is that if you go out with your child, encourage him to talk to a

17:06 stranger. Oh, now a stranger can be a waiter, exactly like a waiter. Be it a security guard or a restaurant manager. Now whoever it is, but since we don't do this, what about the Persian protective case? We are very careful about our children, that is, we have guarded them so that nothing happens. They don't learn these skills at a young age. I'll give you an example. For example, when I was 6 years old, I would ride the minibus in a karate uniform. I would go there as an option. There was a class there. Then I would go to my aunt's house. Now, the conditions of society at that time were such that they trusted me. Now, I don't know what was right or wrong, how dangerous it was, but the fact that

17:52 we were in society from a younger age and were involved with different people helped a lot with these soft skills of ours, and we get to this point where now someone who wants to learn doesn't even have access to you. What should they do? Maybe this is the easiest thing to do. First, I'll talk about parents, which I often think is precisely because we know that a child who is born has a lot of basic fears. Fear of loud noises and fear of heights. In general, there is this fear built into our system. The rest are fears that we get from our parents and the environment. I think it's scaring the kids so they don't communicate. Don't be friends with so-and-so,

18:39 don't talk to so-and-so, take care of yourself. You don't want to go there to get warm, and I see it a lot. Maybe this is because of the insecurity in Iran, and I really agree with many parents. But that's exactly the point you made. Too often, we turn a child with great potential into a shy child, and then expect him to bounce back and speak and fly like his first child when he's a teenager . It's not possible. We picked up the wingsuit. So first of all, parents really need to have this push, this push, to go get what you deserve. I've seen many times that even a child who wants to get what they deserve is denied by their parents. You don't want to go and say it's ugly, it's a flaw, so-and-so gets upset, and all of this slowly starts to

19:26 fade away. A person who is full of fear can be full of negativity. So in the first step, the father and mother must jump up. Go here and tell them that they must give you back the rest of your money. Don't miss it. Go, we're behind you. I definitely want you to make friends with three new people this Friday. Go find a friend. And maybe that impact will come when that child sees his or her own parents doing the same thing. That is, he doesn't just give advice, he actually does it, and then if someone doesn't just want to be trained and wants to do experimental work, in my opinion, this is the easiest way to get exposed. That means going out with new people and in that new group of people, just try to connect with two or three people a day. If you're really afraid

20:14 of talking to people, go to a bus stop, go to a cafe, and challenge yourself and start talking to just two or three people. Regardless of the outcome, regardless of whether you want to remain friends with this person afterward, for example, which of these connections will continue or not. These challenges themselves cause those neural pathways that need to be built and somehow consciously go to the heart of our fears, and I think it works everywhere. So do you agree that the true role model for children is the unconscious behavior of their parents? Not exactly what they say, exactly, they imitate at all. Children completely imitate their parents' behavior, and

21:00 in my opinion, they don't just do what their parents say out of stubbornness. I mean, I even think about ourselves. I often feel that because my mother or father insisted on me doing something, at any age we want to say, "I am me, I have the power to choose for myself." And we happen to follow the path they are telling us and saying, "It's not right." While if we see them doing it, we unconsciously do it ourselves. My mother is the kindest person I have ever seen in my life. May God protect her. Thank you very much. I was 7 years old. We lived with my sister and my mother

21:46 in the basement of Tajrish under the shop. Very ordinary. Very ordinary. My mother was an employee. I remember that one of the family members had taken her money. I hope my mother doesn't see the episode. I remember that my mother was telling her friend at home that I gave her to God. Leave her alone. It's very interesting. That exact moment is in my mind. I told her, "Wait, the money that my sister and I can spend on me, you're saying, ' Drink, that side and my mother.'" He told me for years that at that moment I came to my senses. It was one of the moments when I said, " What do you think about me entrusting him to God? Not that you entrusted him to God. You don't want to

22:35 do anything. Well done. You know, you don't know. You think you should either go and fight or you should be embarrassed. You're in a situation where you should get what you deserve and you don't. Exactly. We have a series of beautiful verbal masks. I think I entrust him to God. Like me, I'm a very selfless and devoted person. I don't talk like me. And maybe where the answer for fools is silence, it's right, but we use this in many places . Not just because the other person is really someone you can't talk to. Because I don't know how to speak in these situations, and I think these are just beautiful labels or beautiful masks that we hide behind. I say that often the reason

23:22 behind my statement that I am very dedicated and selfless is that I don't know how to set boundaries. Many times, perhaps behind the mask of "I leave it to God" is that I don't know how to get what I deserve, or I simply have to use this phrase because I can't handle it at all . Maybe if I had known, I would have definitely gone and done it, or many other masks, in my opinion, which are now very much rooted in our culture. I have even heard people say that when they go for a job interview, they come back and say, "Well, this place wasn't my day, this place wasn't my day, my dear, it's for a place where you tried your best, presented yourself in the most correct way possible, and you were really

24:08 rejected for unknown reasons. There you can say, " Well, I put in 100, this place wasn't my day, not that you made blatant communication mistakes in that same job interview, and it's clear that you're being rejected for these reasons, and then it's not like when you project and blame someone else, well, you get to a place where you say, "Well, I went to 100 places and God wanted this for me. No, I think God wants the absolute best for all of us, and He wants the best for us much more than we can imagine. That is, somewhere I can say, "God wanted this for me to go, put in 100 of myself, and then get 200." I wonder if God wanted this for me or if this was just my day. We are using it in the opposite way, using it in places where we shouldn't. I think this is a beautiful mask

24:56 that we hide behind, but we don't know how to do it. And really, maybe our parents aren't exactly at fault. They didn't know how to do it either. Well, they did n't learn it either in the educational system or from our grandparents, and they were just doing the right thing at the time . So what should we do now, where we are missing something? For example, I'll say who was on this show. Oh, I won't say. Now, those who watched the episode know who it was. One of our guests, who spoke very sincerely, said that my grandfather used to hit me in the face. Oh, and I couldn't even tell him to talk to anyone. My mother and father didn't say anything. And I told him that a person who is great doesn't deserve great respect until he is great

25:45 . You see it in many places in families, for example, if there is a child in the family, they kiss the child on the lips, and then the parents get upset. The mother now tells the father to tell so-and-so not to kiss the child. Wow, I can't say that you'll be upset in general. So what does this mean? I mean, what does it matter if your uncle is upset or if something bad happens to your child? Exactly. I think it starts with shame, and in that situation you mentioned, we didn't have a role model who would respectfully show the other person the mirror and say, "Look, this is not acceptable at all." What should we do? First, let me give you a different definition of shame. We don't have a shy person.

26:35 We have this person who is very shy in this situation, very outgoing in this situation, and very self-confident in this situation . Embarrassment happens when I say that he is more important than me. Exactly like the example you gave. I say that my great uncle is more important than me and my child. What your family says about us is more important than me and my child and setting boundaries for my child . So this is where I actually decide, with this mindset, not to say anything. Because if it's the other way around, I'll definitely speak up. If I know that I'm important, that child is important, that person made a mistake and needs to realize their mistake, I completely give myself the right to say so. So embarrassment happens when I see myself as less than the person I'm facing, and

27:23 if we resolve this in our minds, that's why I say, "I'm working on that early on, it's valuable ." Subconsciously, we see that the person who was shy until now, now that his mindset has changed, says, "Why shouldn't I tell you?" Why should I be worried about this judgment when I am standing? Whatever they want to think about me, I'm important, I'm important, I say it, and now I 'm saying it in a more correct tone. So this is the definition of embarrassment, but the exact point is that we often feel like we're running into a problem in that relationship machine. This machine is n't working. Now, in our relationships with anyone, spouse, child, workplace, family, society, this relationship machine isn't working. We're limping, we're hugging, but our toolbox is empty. We put our foot down on the hood and we see there's a problem. We don't have a

28:10 wrench, we can't do anything to fix it. What can we do, in my opinion? At first, we really did n't know until a certain point. Okay, but now that this information is so easily available, we need to fill our toolbox because somewhere in that relationship there's a problem and we suddenly look and see. So how do I fix this family relationship when my toolbox is empty? I have to cry, I have to be angry, I have to be angry, and I have to cut off communication, don't say they choose, don't say I put so-and-so aside because he was a toxic person, no, try a little, look a little, was that person really toxic or did you not know how to solve your problem with him? So the first step, I think, is we need to

28:58 fill our communication toolbox, we need to learn it, know how we should behave with every person in every situation, and there is a very nice chart by Mr. Thomas Kilman that I'm sure kids who like to do more research and study. I'm talking about it very briefly and simply here. It's very beautiful, like a window dividing it, saying, "Tell me the people in your life, the important people in my life, the unimportant people in my life." Tell me about the issue that comes up in my life, the important issue in my life, the unimportant issue in my life. Now let's take your example and put it in this diagram. He says that you should deal firmly with an unimportant person who has created an important issue for you, stand up and take your rights. This person is not an important person in my life. For example, my father's uncle is

29:46 not someone who has a very influential role in my life. The important person in my life is my wife, my children, my father's mother, and ultimately includes a close circle. So we should stand up and speak firmly with this person. This seems to determine your assignment, so where are you with whom? He says he's with an unimportant person doing unimportant work. I'm driving. Another driver is an important person in my life. Naturally, he did n't curse at me. A very important task had been completed. A very important issue in my life. Not this one. Tell him to ignore it and move on. Don't waste energy. While we see how many times people are just wasting all their energy on unimportant people for

30:31 unimportant things, without even realizing it. He says, "Now, if it's an important person and he did something unimportant, your father made a joke on you, and now the joke isn't always and often repeated, but you don't like it in public, oh, talk to him firmly, say it here, sacrifice his head and move on again, move on, save your energy for important people and important issues. My wife and I are having a challenge with each other on an important issue. I need energy here. I have to take the time to talk for hours, my tone and attention are fine, and we humans waste so much of our energy on unimportant people and unimportant issues. We

31:17 tell our wives, our children, the important people in our lives, 'I'm not in the mood, let's just sit in front of the TV, I can't help but talk.' This is where we are making a mistake, and I think this part, the division of people and issues, gives our minds a lot of direction and brings us a lot of peace." In the past few minutes, I think you've given people a lot of thinking tools . I wrote on Instagram that we have people who have naked brains, like bare feet, and many people ask, " What does it mean to be old?" Exactly as you said, those who do n't have the tools in their brains to think, "Well, now, this is the issue I want to fight about, let's

32:05 put our energy and respect into it. It's absolutely right for me to do this. And we have a very good foreign expression that says, "Pick your battles wisely." That means, choose the fights you want to have and the battles you want to fight very wisely. And we even have this in the behavior of children. Yes, a 16-year-old teenage girl is not a challenge from morning to night. In every case, you have to challenge yourself somewhere. That's the way. I haven't heard or seen it. And when you said that we should take action, it was a very important thing. And it was a very good thing. Thank you for talking like this. Because I have to be honest. When I introduced your page, I

32:51 suddenly saw this page, so that it wouldn't be a yellow page because it's as long as you want. Yes, and I saw your content. It was very good. And we just talked because you can talk beautifully. But this If talking does n't lead to tools, then what? For example, we sat here for an hour. I said one thing, a series of things. You said many things. But what the other person said is fine. I've spent 60 minutes now, but in this part I realized where I should put my energy. In this part, we're talking about conversation and now soft skills in general. Would you like an explanation of what these Norman skills mean? I must first say about the page and all that, because this has

33:39 always been my red line. We could have easily had a million followers a year or two ago. When yellow advertising was very fashionable and many even said that no one would remember how you advertised, but really, in the back of my mind, I always thought that it's not a number, these are human beings who want to listen to us, and if I have profound things to say, if I attract superficial people with yellow advertising, then they won't understand what I'm saying. Why should these people become more and more every day? And that's why I tried very hard to move forward with original, deep content that might be difficult for people, Mr. Roshan. I always tell my students this a lot. I say that those who

34:30 watch educational pages of long podcasts are human beings who are buying into that difficulty because in all these podcasts, in all these courses, we are pointing out that it's your fault, the responsibility is yours, you can't project, you are not allowed to say I'm a victim, it's everyone else's fault, everything is yours and this hurts, this hurts for everyone, everyone. They like to say that God forbid, my day was not possible, it was not possible, it was not possible, I don't know, I must have been wrong in terms of the arrangement. Everyone likes these projections, and when people choose places like this, I congratulate them a lot because they are people who have chosen the hardest path and are not allowed to complain or make excuses. This and that. But about the question

35:16 you asked, did you forget what it was? Yes, what did you say? Let me remember. You said the page. Then you defined what soft skills mean. Oh, come to think of it, I forgot too. We had to collect everything else and go. Well, we established a center called the Soft Skills Center, and soft skills are exactly those skills that give that final percentage of approval in today's world. Let me tell you what they mean? For a while, we used to focus everyone on hard skills, saying, "Go become a doctor, go become an engineer, go learn something," and that's great. I still think that every person should know at least a few skills in their life to

36:02 have anything to say about them. But these hard skills worked very well to a certain extent . Seeing from one place to the next is not a determining percentage, and this determining percentage is not just about expertise. For example, I had a job in my own organization. A person came in with a PhD. Although this person had a PhD and was very highly educated, he had an incredibly strong resume. But when he sat in front of me or tried to communicate with others, I could see that he could n't communicate at all or that he made too many mistakes in his communication. This person was easily dismissed, not just by me, but by everyone who wanted to have him as a colleague.

36:47 Another person with a lower educational degree, less expertise, but much stronger communication skills took his place and was accepted. This is exactly the impact of soft skills . In today's world, the World Health Organization has said that the 10 essential skills that we as a literate person should know in this era are emotional intelligence, communication skills, self-confidence, self-management, decision-making power, etc., and resilience. This shows how important and affirmative soft skills are in this era. Very good. The episode that aired last week about just now, you said it was emotional. We said emotional maturity

37:35 says it's almost the same thing. Things that they don't remember now. There are many things in it, for example, how to speak exactly, not reacting, delaying speaking, being completely silent, because I believe in this very much. Most of the problems in conversation are not because we don't say certain things, but because we do n't hear certain things. Oh, we do n't listen to the other side at all. I'm just waiting for you to finish talking, my next line is ready for me to say it myself, and now you think the kids are recording this. Then now the problem is that they used to be parents. For example, a 12- or 13-year-old girl or boy in a family is unfortunately not lucky enough to have their parents

38:22 do these bad things unconsciously . If he went to school, he would be compensated. For example, there was a good teacher on the street, for example, a butcher who spoke very well. His football coach, now the bus driver, you can think about him. But now I don't mention this story on social media at all because we raise them more and it becomes a story. It's enough that many people who are kind to us and watch our program love my behavior like this. Yes, those who swear from top to bottom when the other person is talking. Yes, and no, they just swear. They say things that shouldn't be said and they record them. Then the role of parents has no role at all. How can parents

39:08 correct a child? There are a number of mistakes that we make in conversation, for example, I just said one, we don't listen to a number of others. If you can think of any, please tell me what mistakes we make in conversation. It's definitely very interesting that research shows that . Our arguments and fights throughout the day are not about our serious differences of opinion with each other. It's because our way of speaking is not correct, and we often see that in these discussions and arguments, the words we hear are sentences like this. Why are you saying that? So

39:54 why are you doing this now? No, your look was like this. You said it in a certain tone. That content of the words is processed later in our minds because we are beings who really feel and take that picture first, and then our logic becomes active and processes it. So perhaps the first thing we should pay attention to is the tone of our speech. We often see it even in young people and teenagers. Now the toxic patterns you mentioned came to my mind more, because many times that teenager or young person is saying the right thing . He's actually saying the most truthful thing possible to his family, but because of the words and the way he expresses himself, everyone is asking, "Why are you so aggressive?" Why did you become like this? Why don't you have any nerves?

40:40 Whereas if it had been said in a more appropriate tone, all the feedback would have been returned. Everyone was saying how wise you were. How well do you speak? How logical a person you are. So the first thing we should really pay attention to is the tone of our speech at that moment, and maybe it has a lot to do with managing emotions and being aware at that moment that I'm saying something important, and not letting my tone ruin it. This is one point. The next point is that I think we have a very big mistake in our speech now, because of our culture, that we apologize a lot. I don't know if you've seen people who think this is humility, magnanimity, and that I'll cough for anything. I'm so sorry, please

41:27 forgive me. So why are you coughing? It's not your fault that you're not coughing, you're coughing. Why are you apologizing? God forgive you, your tea is cold, for example. God forgive you, the food is just the same. God forgive you, this gift I bought for you, I bought it lol. I think one of our main verbal mistakes is that we make too many excuses, and when we eliminate these, we unconsciously become a stronger, more confident version of ourselves. Maybe I'll give you this gift and say that I bought it for you with true love because you are a precious person to me. I hope you like it . Well, I seem like a stronger person than I am to say, "I'm sorry, I hope you like it." You didn't like what I said, I'll change it now, may God forgive you, and it's like I'm beating

42:14 myself up and making myself look small. Another mistake that I think is very common is that we really want to make ourselves look better, more miserable, or happier. You tell me, for example, Ms. Irannejad, I went to Turkey last week. I went on a trip there. Then I say, "Oh, you went to Turkey. Well, we were in London. We were in London. And now we do n't go to Turkey much anymore. London was so good. It was like this. And I want to insist. Instead of listening, "What's up in Turkey? What did you do?" I insist. I'm happier. I'm richer. I

43:00 'm better. Or even worse. Instead of listening and empathizing, we insist that we're more miserable. You say, for example, "I have a headache." I say, " Where did you get your headache from?" I'm dying from back pain . I'm here with housing right now. I got an injection before the show so I could sit here, and then again, all of this is a message that we're showing by ignoring the other person . We want to say, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, you had a good time, you don't matter, look at me, I matter, I went on a better trip, I experience more pain in my body, and because of this, I see this a lot, both in families and family gatherings, and then I feel how counterintuitive this behavior is to make people feel like heroes.

43:48 If a person says, "I went on a little trip right here in our own city, I went around the city, that's where I should be proud of where you went, well done, how was it? Tell us a story, but precisely because we do n't like to hear, we like to just talk ourselves, we like to say, "Okay, you finish it sooner, let me tell you now, whether it's the good times or the bad times, how well you said it. I really like your conversations here, because instead of me talking, you have everything more complete, more beautiful, with more fluent Persian, because of the good questions that give us the right direction. Now we're opening up to each other, no, but." I'm really serious, I really do n't like Alki's definition at all, I don't know,

44:34 dear. There was one thing, it was the tone that we're talking about now, and this story that you explained much more beautifully now. We seem to like to relate everything to ourselves. For example, a friend is not feeling well. I'm told to go see you. I'll go sit with him. Yes, my lady did this. No, my lady did this. He's not bad at all. My lady. Give me this. And this talk that you're doing is something I've really learned over time. Whenever you want to make an impression on someone, let them be calm. Let them talk nicely. Do n't activate their defense systems so that they can be on guard. And this story of the prefrontal cortex, cortex, I don't know, forehead, thank God, may

45:22 God forgive your parents. When this is active, you can't talk to people at all, and it's only active when you're in danger. Whatever you say to people, let the other person do the talking. One of the reasons we go out to lunch with people, talk to them, for example, is not because we like food. It's that the food he eats makes him feel good, and you relate that good feeling to him or the conversation. Unconsciously, that person equates the two, saying, "Wow, how much fun we had with that, wasn't it the food? For example, it was the kebab. You were so good at it. Your words were absolutely gold. And let's go back to now. I'm not saying tone, I want to say the way of speaking because tone is one of the ways of

46:10 speaking, and unfortunately, this is another thing that we copy. For example, I've seen many people say, "He's a good boy, he has to talk so much because his father talks like that." Yes. Then he starts talking like that at work. Everyone looks at him like that. He slowly walks to that corner. Eventually, he resigns and leaves. In speech, apart from listening carefully, apart from being respectful, apart from going into the conversation with the intention of listening at all, what else can you suggest? Incidentally, when we get into the discussion of art and speech, because I already have a lot to say, I'm very eager to share a few tips and let everyone know how much easier it is to encourage people to do what we like by

46:55 arranging words and playing with our voices . We all like people to treat us the way we want, but we like to tell them this with a checkmark . We would like to do this by force. We don't even realize that God has given us a strange system of voice, expression, speech, words, the power of the voice, and the emotion in the voice. You said yourself, you can learn to control this screw machine yourself. Put it on this frequency, this person will make you smile. Leave it on this frequency, this person will be on guard. You messed it up on this frequency . You hit the monster button, you drive him crazy, and then we seem to put this

47:42 aside and let it go on at the same frequency and let things repeat themselves, and then we say why everyone who gets to me gets angry, why doesn't everyone who gets to me get angry? So you're definitely not using this tool correctly. Let me give you a few examples. For example, exactly as you said, we have a lot of parameters for our speech, our choice of words and phrases. When I want to speak very formally somewhere, I say " Thank you, I'm sincere." I want to be much more intimate. I say "Thank you, I'm sorry." So my choice of words determines the level of my communication. With that, I can give my signal. Our tone becomes the feeling that I

48:29 want to convey. Sometimes I want to show my anger, but there 's no need to shout and fight, but as soon as I can show that I'm upset about this and speak firmly, I've conveyed my anger. There's no need to fight and fight. I wonder if people have figured it out or if there is a place where they need to see our sadness, this quieter tone of voice, the feeling of sadness in our words. Many of us get upset and then we say things like, "Look, your behavior really bothers me." Or I had a student come up to me and say, "Ms. Iran Ranjad, unfortunately, my grandmother passed away. And I know I don't believe it. You

49:15 smile from here to here and laugh. It's clear that your grandmother didn't pass away. So the tone is the emotion that I choose to convey at that moment. It's different from the rhythm of my speech. For example, when you want to motivate someone to do something, it's better to just talk faster. Isn't that better? Let's read more books today or do an exercise or do something. Subconsciously, just by speaking faster, I'm changing the hormones of my other person. I really increased the hormones that motivate them to do something. Instead of trying to convince him with more words, Baba Delkarangi says it very nicely. He says that we humans think we are dealing with logical people,

50:02 while all humans are completely emotional. So this tone and the right transfer can do Hossein Karro. Increasing or decreasing the speed of our speech has its own effect, and the power of our speech means the power of the voice to raise and lower this volume . I say somewhere that I want everyone to, for example, I'm giving a speech and I want everyone to write down this sentence of mine. I don't need to say. Write all of this down. This is very important. Just say that sentence very slowly, for example, Steve Jobs' friends say that the way you present something determines its importance . Did you see what a beautiful sentence it was?

50:50 Just because I spoke more slowly at that moment, people all started writing. This is the amazing device of speech that we have, but it's like we didn't have the manual to know if I should speak more slowly or if I should speak faster, this is how I can speak louder or slower. And if we learn these things and know how to use them, I think that's the answer to the question of whether everyone can become an orator. God has gifted this device to everyone. So everyone just needs to learn when, where, and how much to use each one, and they can say the same things in the most effective way possible. Very good. And now you yourself have explained a lot

51:39 . Your hands were shaking as you spoke . Your gaze was on me, but it did n't move. And I was one of the best football coaches I've ever seen. He was a man who couldn't speak. What are we saying? Why ca n't they? He stutters. No, he couldn't speak at all. I mean, in general, like, being mute, being mute, I'm better off not having one. I'm afraid to speak. What other words are there? Being mute, being mute, and they say it seriously, but because they knew that they couldn't speak, they would convey their meaning with this body language, with this language, with this language, with this language, with their movements, or now with their bodies . In our culture, respect for

52:25 women is very high and it is very beautiful, but there are some places where you make mistakes. For example, I look down when I talk to a woman. This is not respect. Because you can look a woman in the eye and still respect her. Yes, exactly. And these mistakes that we have now, apart from the voice, I would be grateful if you could explain a little bit about it. Or give me another example. My phone, please. For example, we are having coffee together. Oh, the phone is here. I don't have any swelling at all. The phone is right here. I am talking to you. I put it on silent. I don't hear anything. A message comes. I look at it like this. Well, you ruined this conversation. Or, for example, you saw that sometimes. Please don't do this. Please, put the phone on me. I am

53:12 listening to you. It is very ugly. And you on the other side, forget it completely. All your attention has gone. Please, give us some of these examples. Yes, definitely. This body language or body language that you mentioned is very Much more powerful than the power of our words and voices. Why? Because among all animals, we even see this linguist . Look, for example, a gorilla that is coming with a sense of success and power has exactly the same movement that an athlete might show after scoring a goal. That means it's dormant in all of our genes, and we realize that this person is happy now. This is sad now. Whoever is sad has their head and body bowed down. Why do we see animals, for example, a panda, and say, " This panda is depressed?" We're seeing a beautiful act and

53:59 body language, or for example, someone who has opened their body and spread their arms, and we realize that they're feeling a certain power or happiness . So because it's the first point that our mind analyzes and understands on the spot, this should have happened. Because when our ancestors lived in caves, maybe even before speech and language were invented and people could communicate with each other, they naturally communicated with body language, and our brains are much more prepared for that than for hearing words and processing them. Why? Because, for example, our ancestors would come out of the cave and look out and see that the tribe in front of them was coming towards their cave with a spear like this. They would have to quickly

54:46 analyze that this person probably came to attack me, so I would have to attack him or run away on the spot, but this person is slowly walking towards me, probably needs some help. Therefore, language and body language are very, very important because our brain can easily and quickly analyze it, and in many meetings, we are really missing many of our golden opportunities with our body language. This is one of the most egregious things in today's world, with the advent of smartphones . These are the same inattentions that we have in our heads. We look at our phones in the middle of an important meeting. If you are explaining, you are explaining very well, and in the middle of it, I am doing this, instead of sending a signal that what you are saying is really boring to me

55:32 and I am really waiting to find somewhere more entertaining to occupy myself. Or I am talking to you and I am unconsciously checking my watch. I have given a signal right now that I am in a hurry. If we can finish this quickly, I want to go. Or I am sitting here and I am unconsciously starting. This is also a completely unconscious pattern. I am simply moving my foot. You may see this movement in my head. You are getting this signal that I am anxious and confused. I said something. Why is he acting this way? Or many of us. I always say that let's learn to speak with our words, not with our bodies, because our brains are designed to

56:18 either attack or flee. I feel like Mr. Roshan has attacked me now with this. The words he said to me, the look he had at me, the words he said to me, and my brain, because it was prepared and designed for those caves, is already in place. I say, look, look, quickly, if you can, attack, if you can't, run away. And now that there is no cave, now that I really can't escape or attack, this escape and attack of mine now becomes body language like, I want to escape. I close my eyes, Dad, I want to talk to my wife, and I see that I really can't think of anything to say at that moment. I start to frown, slam the door shut, put the glass down harder on the table, so that I

57:04 can show with these signals that I am upset. Whereas if I sit in front of him and say, "My dear, I really feel upset about this, we really need to solve it together, because you are an important person. The issue is important, so we will take our time and solve it. There is no need to slam the door shut, put this down harder, wash the dishes faster, and all that. Or is it running away? That's just some part of our body language. We see a lot of people in gatherings, getting angry, not talking, turning away. I went to large work gatherings and I couldn't believe I was seeing this. I was teaching at an organization where there were a lot of them for their staff. The problem was that I would see that, for example, when one of them was talking, another one would turn his head and move his chair to

57:51 the other side, and I would see that they were all talking to each other with this body language. Go ahead and talk to your colleague. Tell me, this behavior you're showing is disturbing me. It makes me feel anxious. Let's solve it together and see how it can be solved. Instead of being at that workplace for 2 years, you're bothering yourself to see if it's because of something or other that I'm being ignored. So, in my opinion, one of the biggest mistakes in our body language is that I don't make proper eye contact. I'm constantly looking here and there while I'm talking. I'm messing with something. Many people are constantly playing with a ring, a watch, a button, or something while talking . All of this signals

58:38 that I am not here. You do n't talk to me interestingly enough to make me listen to you, or you're not important to me at all. And then, many times, when there's an argument or that person complains, we take the side of our right that I'm listening. My last sentence was, "Why are you so sensitive? Why are you so irritable? No, really. We told him with our body language that you're not important. You're not lovable. I don't want to listen to you at all. And all of this. I'll give you an example. Then, since you don't have time, I want to ask you another question. In football, the world's coaching genius, Mr. Pep Guardiola, was in the Belluno team. He suddenly became the coach of the first team and has

59:28 made history. From the first thing he did, he hired one of his friends, who did n't have the slightest knowledge of football and was a water polo coach. He had one job, one duty, to monitor the Barcelona bench. Just observe what happens on the bench. Who gets up and who sits down when the team scores. Oh, and even... Now he's at Manchester City with him wherever he goes, that's what you're saying, body language, your behavior, your subconscious behavior, it shows all your feelings, you don't want to hide anything, yes, you're looking at eternal love, I've seen a lot of this in a few of these parts

1:00:14 in other people's content, you've seen it, yes, my model is not that they spend a lot of time on this content, you know why I'm saying this, because the examples you gave, oh well, these are shown to us in these programs in a very clear, very big way, even I'm serious, let me say it, let's go beyond these words, even at all, I'm saying that these programs are engineered, designed with a scenario that, at best, with the intention of getting views, being seen, at best, now, at worst, we don't want to say it anymore, and this affects us people, those who say,

1:00:59 now I want to ask your opinion, those who say, no, I don't want to participate in this program I'm bored now. I want to sit down and watch and see what's going on. Will this affect all the issues we're talking about ? Good question, but we have to go to the edge so that people get our point and don't get offended. I say, if I'm an important person, if I really feel like I'm an angel, a truly valuable person, if you put a glass in front of me and tell me to drink it, I have to ask what this is, what it's made of, and just like if they put a garbage container in front of me, I'll say, "I'll never drink this

1:01:45 ." I must be equally attentive to the input from my eyes, ears, nose, and body. That is, we humans may become sensitive to food because we understand that we are eating it. But we are not that sensitive to the input and food from our eyes, ears, nose, and in short, the input from our minds. I'm saying that it's naturally impossible for every video, every image, every person, and every conversation that we allow to enter our brains to enter our brains and affect us . So this input will naturally have an impact on us. Now, whether I want to use this or consciously think about it or draw something from it, it might make it a little different.

1:02:32 But I really strongly tell everyone that if I think I'm a valuable person, I have to be very careful not to let any page, any content, any movie, any series, under the pretext of entertainment, enter my brain. It has an effect somewhere that I'm not even aware of. It's affecting my subconscious so much that I don't realize what's happening. I'm watching a certain movie, but really, movies, these inputs, books, and socializing have an effect on our beliefs. It has a very profound and profound effect on our behavior. So, everyone can choose whatever they want, but they should really consider whether they want to see and hear that blogger who is constantly cursing.

1:03:24 Am I worthy of giving him this kind of input in my mind and body ? Okay, some people really say yes, what's wrong with that? I love him, okay, the choice is mine. I say, I see my value to the extent that every content and every word does not enter my mind. I protect him. His name is a man who has a lot of right to my neck. His name is Mr. Ahmad Javaheriane from Isfahan. I hope they see this video. I think he is 30 years older than me. I became friends with him in my teens. We played tennis together. When the internet first came out in 1995, I was 15 years old. My mother's hand didn't hurt. She had a computer with internet access for me. Hey, these images were harsh. For example, someone

1:04:11 fell from the 13th floor. It hurt. Yes, sir. I told him not to look at these. It affects your soul and mind. And I, a 15-year-old boy, don't want to see them. Then he gave a very beautiful example. He said, "Look at the skin of your hand. How soft it is. You touch a piece of baby silk. You feel it beautifully." Take a piece of silk, rub it in your hand, it will become thicker and thicker and thicker, and then try to see if you can feel that silk . This is our soul and spirit. That means we get used to hearing bad things. We get used to a behavior that is incorrect and we get to the point where all the points you said, the points that are great, you explained much more beautifully than what I thought, with more beautiful expressions, more

1:05:00 beautiful words. We get to the point where we have a choice: we can spend an hour, listen to the podcast marathon, watch the open book program, or we can open it. Eternal love for 4 people who unfortunately add nothing to our lives, they steal our time. Because I emphasize that you don't realize that the only thing that doesn't come back is time. Money comes and goes. You can lose money and get it back. Time is disappearing. I am very grateful to you . If you have a short talk, I would definitely like to complete this topic by saying that sometimes we

1:05:47 want to rest and in this rest we like not to face ourselves. That's why I like to watch every series and every movie to fill that time. But really, this is what I heard from the greats of the world in many international seminars. The point I should have taken was that the great speaker Ron, that man who had so many achievements, said that the greatest achievements and ideas of my life were when I was silent, when I had no input. For example, I went to a cabin in the forest for a week. So I really want to say that many of us like to rest, but let's change the model of our rest. Instead of

1:06:33 giving my brain every program or page or every input in Explorer, I spend that time being silent, taking a walk, and letting input come in. It doesn't enter my brain until the healthy inputs here, through their own collision, create a unique idea for me, give me a spark, and I can start a new path . This type of rest is both more enjoyable and more productive. Thank you very much for providing this bed. Thank you