Full transcript of “Signs of Emotional and Physical Abuse: Am I Being Abusive?”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 relationships were meant to be a blessing they give us companionship intimacy we have someone to help us and to care about us and yet we know all relationships have conflict sometimes those relationships can even have harmful behavior patterns what are these harmful behavior patterns and when are they so harmful that they cross into what we call abuse i'm michael clark with the ananias foundation and we're going to be talking about that topic today if you want to stop causing harm in your relationships you're on the right path this is journey of change a video series
0:46 to help you become the safe loving partner you were meant to be what is unhealthy behavior in a relationship and when is that behavior so unhealthy that we could call it abuse now i know that that a word abuse has a lot of stigma associated with it none of us want to be accused of being abusive but i think it's helpful to look at the definition of abuse just to understand what we're talking about here abuse really is the mistreatment that causes harm to something or someone now of course we can abuse a machine
1:34 like our phone or our automobile or even a lawnmower we can also abuse the environment the abuse we're talking about here of course is within our relationships domestic abuse is when that harm is being caused in our close family-related relationships domestic abuse can include elder abuse where we're abusing or mistreating someone who's older in our family it can of course include child abuse and it can include partner abuse all of these are considered domestic abuse our focus today is really going to be on
2:22 partner abuse abuse can really take one of two forms the first and the most common one that we think about is physical abuse this is also known as domestic violence physical abuse or domestic violence occurs anytime where we push or shove our partner we grab or restrict their movement say prevent them from leaving slapping or kicking are all considered physical abuse we can continue by including things like biting beating someone up in other words hitting them multiple times hitting someone with a fist or using a weapon there's really a
3:09 progression here from less severe to more severe but all of these actions are considered to be physical abuse threatening any of these actions even if we don't follow through with it is also considered physical abuse so the question can come up can abuse occur if no one is touched and the answer is yes we call this emotional abuse emotional abuse really encompasses many different forms so let's talk about the several forms of emotional abuse the first one we're going to cover is controlling behavior or being controlling now the things that we can control or over control with our partner
3:57 includes trying to control their time or their money or their thoughts it can include trying to lord over their choices or make those choices for them isolating them and telling them who they can and cannot see or making it difficult if not impossible for them to see family or friends and lording over their decisions or making all of the decisions for them or pressuring them into making particular decisions that we want them to make emotional abuse also commonly includes jealousy while jealousy is a
4:44 normal human emotion anytime we're monitoring our partner such as we're looking through their phone or following them or showing up where we think they're supposed to be just to verify that they are where we think they are that is emotional abuse it can also include accusing our partner of flirting or being unfaithful or having an affair and this is especially true when there is no evidence that they have done any of these things emotional abuse can also include resentment such as being resentful about our partner being successful or in our mind being more successful than we are
5:32 intimidation also qualifies as emotional abuse now under intimidation i would include things like yelling certainly raising our voice once in a while isn't abusive per se but yelling at someone in a consistent and regular fashion at the top of our lungs is absolutely harmful and is considered emotional abuse also breaking things or punching walls or slamming doors or throwing objects all of these things can be abusive because the violence and the chaos that's happening around a person will make a very unsettling environment
6:19 for that person the implication whether we say it or not is this violence can happen to you so watch out another form of emotional abuse is making threats if we threaten to hurt our partner or hurt their children or hurt their pets even if we threaten to hurt ourself that is considered to be emotional abuse because of the sadness and the fear that that would invoke even if we're threatening to hurt ourselves is manipulative and harmful to the other person threatening to damage property certainly falls into this category
7:04 of threats we might threaten to leave or divorce and certainly if that's not our intent if that was just said at the spur of the moment that's a form of emotional abuse threatening someone that they will not be able to see their children parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse also threatening to disclose something very damaging to them can be a form of emotional abuse such as their immigration status their gender identity or something else about them or in their past that they don't necessarily want other people to know
7:50 even if our threat is not followed through with it can be abused saying demeaning things to someone is considered emotional abuse this could be anything from frequent put downs to name calling to blaming that person for all of our problems or all of our problems as a couple or certainly humiliation especially humiliating them in front of other people another form of emotional abuse is gaslighting and this is a term that has become pretty prevalent in our vocabulary but not everybody knows what it means so
8:36 let's talk about gas lighting gaslighting is anytime we cause someone to question their memory their sanity or their sense of reality for example if we tell our partner that something never happened when in fact it did or that they're just not remembering things correctly when in fact they are if we deny or minimize our bad behavior and say oh it wasn't that bad it i that didn't really happen when we know that it did that's gas lighting anything that we would say or do to make our partner feel crazy is considered gaslighting and it's a form
9:22 of emotional abuse always being right always making sure that we're right and our partners wrong that they know that they're at fault this is also a form of emotional abuse another term that you may have heard of is stonewalling now stonewalling is where we withdraw from our partner and we refuse to talk or perhaps we withhold affection speaking of withholding withholding other things from our partner can be emotional abuse what do i mean here well certainly withholding food from someone is definitely a form of abuse
10:08 but also withholding money or essential resources this is also known as economic abuse or financial abuse and it's a form of emotional abuse manipulation is also a form of emotional abuse what do i mean by that this is using money or sex or privileges or favors anything that our partner really should have access to without condition when we put conditions on them and we manipulate them in to doing something that we want them to do by withholding these or promising these
10:53 um instead of just that being part of our relationship that's manipulation and that can be emotional abuse another form of emotional abuse is what's called spiritual abuse spiritual abuse is any time we use religion to justify our dominance of the other person or our authority over our partner so we've talked a lot about what is harmful in a relationship what might even be abusive in a relationship but i think it's helpful to look at elements and components of healthy relationships what do those look like well here are some characteristics of healthy relationships
11:40 you and your partner will have some shared interest but you'll also have separate interest it's okay if you don't like the same things it's okay if you don't spend all of your time doing the same things or doing them in the same way a healthy relationship also has open communication the couple is able to talk with each other about whatever is going on including sharing their thoughts and their feelings including solving problems that relationship has mutual respect it really needs to go both ways and when that is in place both partners are treating each other respectfully and
12:27 kindly it has trust it's impossible to have a healthy relationship if you don't have trust with your partner and part of that trust is honesty because it's impossible to have trust if one or both people are not being honest in the relationship healthy relationships have a sense of equality that doesn't mean that you're exactly alike or that you do things exactly alike but it means that you have an equal say you have an equal value you have an equal role in the relationship consensual sex is part of a healthy relationship and an essential part of
13:13 that and finally if you and your partner are parents you have children together supportive parenting is part of that healthy relationship it's not deemed to be just one person's responsibility so now that we've had a lengthy discussion about unhealthy patterns in relationships even things that could be considered abusive and we've talked briefly about what components are in healthy relationships where do you see yourself if after listening to this list of unhealthy behavior patterns in relationships and what constitutes abuse you realize that some of these things
14:00 are being done to you the first thing that you need to know is if you are at risk of being harmed you need to get someplace safe understand that setting boundaries with your partner by letting them know what behavior is not okay and what the consequences will be if that behavior continues is absolutely essential that's what's supposed to happen when someone is doing something that is outside of their boundaries when they are doing hurtful and harmful things it's our responsibility to let them know that it's not okay and to create some natural consequences for that behavior
14:45 bottom line is it's important for you to know that being harmed in a relationship by being subjected to these unhealthy behaviors and these unhealthy relationship patterns it's not okay even if you think oh i survived it i'm doing okay i can put up with it long term it does damage to you and ultimately it's not healthy for your relationship it's important for you to stand up and say this is not okay and to take action to try to correct it or to remove yourself from that situation on the other hand if after hearing this list of unhealthy behaviors and even
15:30 abusive actions you see yourself in some of these you realize that you are doing some of these things to your partner then what the first thing to consider is just who's hurt out of this yes of course your partner is hurt when we act in abusive or harmful ways but you need to know too that that's hurting your relationship with them and ultimately it's hurting you so if your motivation for change should include not only to protect your partner somebody that you love but to protect that relationship that you care about and to do something that's healthy and
16:15 helpful to you which is to be able to show up in a relationship without these unhelpful unhealthy behavior patterns one thing that you need to know is that there are no monsters here we have a saying around the ananias foundation that hurt people hurt people what we found to be true is in almost every case when we are acting in ways that are hurtful to other people there is some hurt that we ourselves are carrying around the solution of course is that it's on us to find what that hurt is and to heal that so that we don't continue to hurt our loved ones
17:02 finally if there's nothing else that you hear from me today just know that change is possible if you have identified as someone who's causing harm in your relationship it doesn't have to be that way there are ways to change there are resources and people who can help you with that change process the ananias foundation provides some of those resources and i would encourage you to check out our website and see what's available for you i hope this discussion about harmful behavior patterns and definitions of abuse has been helpful to you i'm michael clark with the ananias foundation and i'll see you next time
17:48 thanks for joining me today i'm honored to be on this journey of change with you and i hope i've helped you in some way if you have any comments questions or suggestions feel free to leave them in the comments section below we'd love to hear from you also be sure to hit the like button share this with others who might find it helpful and subscribe to our channel so you don't miss any of our future videos for more resources head to our website ananiasfoundation.org [Music] until next time take care and remember change is possible
