The Becoming An Emotionally Intelligent Parent Course - Module 2

0:04 I'm going to see myself. All right. All righty. So, good morning everybody. Please confirm that you can see me and that you can hear me. Yes, I know. Good morning everyone. You're wondering what's going on with my hair. Don't watch that. Please no comment. Just be here and just pay attention. Is my birthday week upcoming. All right, let's

0:52 go. It's model two. Day two. Today we are talking about calm not being a personality threat. No, you're seeing orange, not red. I'm not wearing red. Yas, please hold yourself right now. All right. Calm is not a personality thread. It is a skill that you must teach. That's our model for today. Tim, please can I have my slides? Thank you so much. so that we can go on. Thank you. I said nobody should make comment on this hair and tell me how beautiful it looks. Concentrate. That's why I don't like making hairs like this.

1:37 Pay attention you guys. Focus. [laughter] Now children are not born knowing how to calm themselves. And self-regulation is a learned neurological skill. It's not good behavior. It's not maturity. And most of the times most parents punish children when they are deregulated instead of teaching deregulation. Now your emotional state is what states the temperature of your home. That's what set the temperature of your home. Most parents think that they are reacting to their children, but they are not. They actually reacting to the emotional climate that they created. So a thermostat reads the temperature. A a

2:24 thermometer reads temperature. A the thermostat sets it. And whether you are realize it or not, you are the thermostat. You are setting the temperature of your home. Most times when you go to, you know, a particular home, you will notice whether that home there's friction or not. You know, in that home, you are the one that will, you know, you will see it. you you see how the relationship is or the atmosphere there are homes that you enter I don't know if you've noticed everywhere is so stiff so I used to actually go to a particular home of a friend and every time that I get in there you just feel this heaviness

3:11 this stiffness you know this everywhere is there's tension that that's that's what I like to call it all right there's tension tension everywhere where you know you you just see that if anything happens any little thing happens everywhere is going to explode. So even you as the visitor you're going to be counting your words you know checking what you're saying so that the bullet will not land on you. How many of you have noticed what it is that I'm talking about? So you you find out that it's not really the children that sets this atmosphere. It is the parent that actually set this atmosphere. And most times we actually will want to blame the children for the atmosphere that we have set. But truth

3:57 be told, you set it. So calmness is not a prayer point. Calmness is not when you go to a home where children get to just, you know, tiptoe and all of that. You will feel it. And calmness is not you being quiet. I needed to say that. So a lot of people come to me and say I'm a very quiet person. There's a way we say it in the inner circle. You know you are calm but um market is buying your head. Do you know what that means? A is in state. [laughter] So a market is literally buying and selling your head but you are quiet. So a lot of people come to me and say oh but I'm a quiet person. But being calm

4:46 is a different conversation. You can be calm and be very chaotic. I've I've seen it happen all the time. So there is a process to learning calm. There's and and that's one of the things that you're going to be teaching um learning today. There's a process to learning calm, right? So it's and and you you can actually a quiet person can actually mask all of those things agitation inner turbulence but calm is a state you cultivate intentionally. So calm is not lack of noise. There are very noisy people who are calm. So the distinction is critical because your children, your family, they're not

5:33 just reacting to your words. They are constantly reading your energy. All right? So, learning calm is like training for music. It involves awareness regulation consistency practice, not just staying silent. Okay. So, what are we talking about this morning? I I want to share a story in the scripture for you. I love using the scriptures to teach. When you look at the gospel of Matthew 14:22-23, that part where Peter was walking on water. Now Peter sees Jesus walking on water and then he steps out in faith. He

6:18 says, "Master, can I come?" And then Jesus say, "Oh, come." But you know, fear overtakes him. The moment that fear overtook Peter, he began to sink. The Bible said that he sank immediately he got afraid. So apparently started to look at every other person around him. Maybe the other disciples were even sayh you're walking on water you cannot see. Have you ever noticed that when you start intentional parenting journey people begin to tell you that thing does not work. Oh you want to PARENT YOUR CHILD WITHOUT BEATING. AH YOU WILL SPOIL THEM. It doesn't work. They are the voices that actually began to speak to Peter on the water but he was already walking on water and he could see himself walk on water. I I I tell you a story when I started parenting I

7:06 realized that in a lot of people told me that oh no I cannot beat I cannot raise children without beating them or yelling. So anytime I wrote on Facebook people came to me to actually punchure everything. He said, "Ah, look at you. Your children are just five and you don't even know anything. You've not started. Very soon you will know that parenting 20 is a number." So, it sounded like a threat. I was like, "Okay, what does this exactly mean? Does it mean that nobody can actually raise a child without but I've seen it happen. I saw my own mom raise us without having to yell or eat." But of course, there were too many voices. So, what did I do? I started to surround myself with the

7:51 right kind of voices. That's one of the things I've helped that help parents in the inner circle. So parents in inner circle get into the inner circle and they see people with like mind say so they like oh it's possible but when you stay in environment where people keep telling you I went to do emotional intelligent course forget this thing it does not work all this emotional intelligence what today wait let your children become teenagers I was told all that in fact people told me that when my children become teenagers that this beating I'm not beating them I will see shy I am parenting the most amazing teenagers ever today. And trust me, being a mom of teenagers is the best thing that have happened to me on my

8:36 parenting journey. I have the least struggle. I have the least, you know, I have everything. It's it's there's no struggle at all. So when people say, "Oh, teenagers are the worst. When you get there, you will see what will happen." I I don't have that story. I don't. Now, let's go back. Let's circle back to the conversation about Jesus. All right. Now, what did Jesus do when Peter began to to sin? Jesus immediately reaches out his hand. He does not scold Peter for doubting. He stabilizes Peter before he corrects his fear. Oh, thou of little faith, why did you doubt? He first of all said, "Give me your hand. Get out of water." The lesson, a calm

9:22 hand first, a teaching hand second. That's how it works. A teaching hand. Second, children are like Peter. They step into emotional storms. When fear take over, they cannot self-regulate. Our instinct will be to yell. Our instinct will be to punish. Our instinct will be to demand calmness. Calm down. I will tell you why calm down doesn't work. But the true parental role that you have is your steadiness. Your steady present and your calming voice. Authority without calm is equal to fear. Calm with authority is what is internalized regulation. Ask yourself when my child panics or cries or explodes, do I reach him to stabilize or

10:08 do I shout instructions from the shore? Am I Jesus in the storm kind of parent or am I the calm down kind of parent? Because children don't just need rules. They need calm hands. steady heart and a safe place so that they can feel. So anytime that you find yourself in those environment where some of these things haven't asked yourself who are the people that I'm speaking to Peter started to hear things he shouldn't hear the miracle was already there everything was already happening so apart from taking these cuts I want to talk to you about environment environment one of the most solid things

10:55 that you're going to hear all right is that environment is bigger than value system. When you put a warm food in a freezer, no matter how warm it is, the freezer encapsulates it and then it becomes frozen. There is no person who can get into the freezer and survive not being cold. So it's okay for you to say oh every other person every other thing that is working it's okay my friend they don't really if you don't get yourself into a system to walk this journey you will constantly be pulled down the problem is not the problem is not whether you will yell again because you will you will not you

11:40 will get out of this class you will still yell you still get upset but do you have a system that helps you not to actually fall into the traps. The traps of you're walking in water is impossible. The traps of do you think that this thing is going to work? Better find another way because that's not how we do it here. The trap of culture. The trap of people that think they know. Law of suggestions. People will suggest to you. You paid for to be in a parenting class. Oo, it doesn't work because you have tried it once and it looks like it's not working. Of course, the moment you yell again, you fall back. You're going to go back to that environment.

12:26 But when you are in the right kind of environment even when you fall, you're able to say ah okay in this place what is being taught is not my you know like the others will say my my voice will ring in your head. My voice will ring in your head. My voice ringing in your head doesn't mean that you will not make mistakes. It means that you are able to self-regulate. Remember what I said about being able to take yourself from the place where you have fallen and gracefully return to where you should be. That's emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is not perfection. So when you see yourself that by the time you continue there there's something I said to the others this morning. I say fake it until you make

13:11 it. By the time you continue, we don't do that here. That's how we do things. All of a sudden, it becomes a part of you. So it becomes second nature. It becomes the environment you exist in. It becomes environment existing because if you finish this class and then you do the five days, beautiful. You will watch it that throughout the time you're doing this class, a lot of things will not be there. You'll be conscious but leave it. After like one month, two, you find out that the consciousness you're returning back to where you're coming from. It's not because you didn't learn. It's because that's how the brain works. Now, let's get into the part. Self-regulation is learned neurological

13:58 skill. It's not good behavior or maturity. And most of the times parents punish this. So the big lie this model is going to break. If my child keeps acting this way, it means they stubborn, disrespectful, and manipulative. That's not true. It's just that the child cannot regulate. Now, let's look at, you know, the the the bad children do not come wired with self-control. No, they don't. Thank you so much life with my CP warrior sharing that this morning. All right. your life can actually become really better. Somebody say, "I'm trying, but this hair is distracting me." I would cut it off. I bind you right now. But I bind anybody distracted by this look. Bind you in

14:45 Jesus name. [laughter] Now, neuroscience calls for regulation. All right? It it calls for So, today we're talking about the child's nervous system. And anytime that the child's nervous system is there, right? You find out that he's unfinished, it's coming constantly, is it safe here? Is my parent calm? Is this, you know, problem survival? Am I in danger? If your voice rises, their body will rise. If your breathing shortens, the anxiety will heighten. If your face tightens, their brain will register threat. Your child does not learn emotional control from your instructions. I needed to say that again. Your child does not learn emotional

15:32 control from your instructions. Your child does not learn emotional control from your instructions. They learn it from your nervous system. They learn it from your nervous system. That's why two parents can give same instruction, one is obeyed, the other is resisted. The difference is the emotional temperature. You cannot shout a child into calmness. You cannot intimidate a child into security. You cannot shame a child into self-control. They become what they absorb. The question will be what are they absorbing? That's that's the question. What are they absorbing? And that's the heart of emotional regulation.

16:18 So it's not about your words. But and I've been talking. I've been talking. Talking is not a disciplinary strategy. I share that in my book discipline that works. Talking I think I have a copy here. Talking is not a discipline strategy. When people I said verbal correction people say ma I've been correcting I've been talking. You are talking without actually being able to understand how to correct. It's a process. You can talk and it will just be nothing. All right. So it's not because when one parent is instructing another, it's because it shouting transfers tension. That's the

17:03 truth. Intimidation transfers fear. Shame doesn't create self-control. I wrote something about shame. People told me ah shame can do a lot when I was small. Shame is what stopped me from doing this. That's what you think. Shame doesn't create control. It transfers confusion and self-doubt. The truth of the matter is that a lot of us actually think that shame dealt, you know, made them who they are. You know, when I was I was stealing, they brought me, my parents beat me, and that was the last time I ever took anything. Let me tell you what exactly happened to your brain. It's not that you stopped. Oh, God. Now you assume that he made

17:48 your child behave differently but he shaped them. It's now this is what happens to the brain. Stress triggers the amygdala. The part of the brain that details danger. When a child is ashamed or beaten their brain goes into what we call the fight or the flight mode. Now the prefrontal cortex shuts down temporary. the part responsible for for decision making. So the child is not learning moral lesson. The child begins to survive. H now the memory decodes fear not value. What sticks in that emotional experience is not instruction. They remember the confusion, the threat, the doubt. Am I

18:35 loved? Did I do something wrong? Behavior changes temporarily not permanently. So a child may stop stealing one time but the brain has learned fear not self-control. So later without fear present all the impulses may return because self regulation never to grow. So shame creates obedience in the moment not emotional intelligence for life. What actually shapes your child is what they absorb from that nervous system. The calm the consistency the security. All right. So at the end of the day, you think that the shame made you stop. You know, it's just like when I hear people say, "They shamed me for bedwetting and then I stopped bedwetting." And that

19:22 happens many, many of the times. Most of you are still beating children for bedwetting. You're still, you know, telling them carry your mattress outside, let everybody see that you just bedwed. You are killing that child. And in adulthood, you always shows. your shoes. Some of us think that is those shame that shaped us. You know the truth. You can actually beat a child, all right? And the child will temporarily stop bed wedding because there's fear. But shame spite the stress response. So selfworth is also hijacked. They learn unconsciously. I'm shameful. I feel unworthy. Why do you think people

20:08 have u um what do you people call it? Um um um doubt syndrome like the syndrome of of um I'm trying to remember the right the right word. Um you you feel that you know you're not worthy of that thing. You second guess yourself. A lot of people say oh I started business. Someone should help me with the word. I started business. I don't feel like I'm I'm worthy of it. I feel like I I feel like I'm not supposed to be the one teaching this thing. Imposter syndrome. Thank you, Debbie. Yes, imposter syndrome. So, shame in childhood is one of the things that actually causes imposter syndrome in adulthood.

20:54 People ask me about imposter syndrome. I I honestly didn't have imposter syndrome. Now shame is a direct pathway and I see a lot of adults go through imposter syndrome. Yeah. So childhood shame teaches are not enough. When a child is shamed for mistake, for accidents, for normal struggles like bedwetting, failing a test, spilling something, the nervous system internalizes I'm flawed. I should hide this part of myself right now. Behavior is suppressed. confidence is not built. Children learn to avoid exposure. They learn to cover up mistake. They learn to perform only under fear of shame. SO YOU ARE AFRAID

21:40 of being ashamed. That's why you are so ashamed when your child does something. I've never been able to understand it. So your child does something now you shame they catch. It say I told my children I said if they spell it in school I write book parents will buy even what I will use it to teach powerful lesson there was time when expulsion was raining for senior students I said well it's okay you guys go to school and you I will use you for my teaching and you'll be all right me shame as I'm supposed to be shamed ashamed because I'm a coach or what no don't even bring it to me a lot of people you you know you know some people think oh that person is a a a child of this coach they should not behave a

22:26 certain way for where it's not me you can bring shame to you walk the all of shame yourself why are you carrying your child shame you know why because there is something in you that have been instilled in the shame pathway so you are shamed when everything isn't perfect so your of shame is for you to walk They smile they woo nobody can shame me I have carried my own shame I shall not be carrying yours and Jesus died for all our shame I've exchanged mine on the cross I don't know about you my dear son you need to learn to shame exchange your own so children learn to avoid this exposure you begin to perform not

23:11 because you believe in in in your abilities now adulthood mirrors that insecurity you're constantly ly questioning yourself. What people say ah BUT I TURNED OUT OKAY THEY SHAMED ME I STOPPED IT IF NOT FOR THAT SHAME I WOULD HAVE BEEN stealing at what at what cost is the question you need to be answering today so you stopped it I agree with you but at what cost it becomes imposter syndrome you're constantly asking yourself am I worthy of this am I worthy of this exposure am I faking it sometimes you're even teaching you're asking yourself am I faking this thing even when you're highly competent ah you're highly competent The nervous system is remembering the old rule. If people see me, I'll be rejected. I will be humiliated. The

23:58 cycle repeats. Except there's healing. Without conscious intervention, adults continue to selfshame, self-doubt and overcompensate often in high achieving context. Imposter syndrome is not about skill. It's not about ability. It's about emotional imprint for shame. Your brain learned fear and self-doubt in child childhood and that energy is what is speaking into your life today. So when people say when people say oh you know I have imposter syndrome I don't know and I see it because I I I mentor people. I see it all the time. It

24:45 appears on my table all the time. Coach I don't feel like I should be doing this. I don't feel like I don't I don't you you can't see yourself is that's it. That's it. You're selling. You're even ashamed of selling the thing that you're selling. You don't want people to know that you sell crayfish because you have a law degree or that you sell plantain chips. I don't know if Tann is here. [laughter] I had that conversation. Meanwhile, today that brand [clears throat] is one of the biggest plantain chip brands ever in Nigeria. But shame was going to kill it. shame from [snorts] childhood. Imagine if he wasn't dealt with. Imagine if he wasn't dealt with. So all this imposer syndrome is coming from your childhood. That's where it's coming

25:30 from. That's where it's coming from. So that's the emotional imprint. And part of what you need to deal with is the healing process of shame. Healing process of shame. you know I'm a lawyer. It's part of it. Some of us are in the places where we think that you know there's something below you. It's not it's not normal. It's coming from your childhood. You know there are things I can't do. You know it's really below me. You think that oh no I can't sell crayfish with my degree in medicine. You know it's not you know I I know too much to be selling crayfish. Hunger poverty is wiring you. Somebody selling crayfish

26:15 is making money. What are you talking about? It's because of the things that we were sold to is in your head. Is in your head. So before you come out and say but they did it to me and I turned out okay. See that feeling that internal hierarchy of what's been there to me is a feeling of you know certain work certain certain opportunities are somehow too low and below education status and expectations. It's not about the work. is imprinted in childhood messages like that's not for someone like you. You should mi you're too good for that. It came subtle but it's actually overteen but it's actually over. So the nervous system absorbs it as what I call value judgment not practical practically

27:03 advice. So it's not just ego ego is learned. So it shapes your risk takingaking and adaptability. That's what is happening. That is your risk takingaking and adaptability. You avoid opportunities even profitable one because the inner voice says I'm above this. I can't do this. [clears throat] Meanwhile, someone else is thriving. It's that same space because they were not sold shamed to or they've dealt with the shame that they've been sold to. So they see opportunity. They don't see judgment. So reality doesn't care about shame. You absorbed. That's the worst part. It it rewards action. It rewards action. So success comes from doing, learning, adapting, not from avoiding something

27:49 because our childhood impose value judgment. H you know and you know those feelings I can't do it, I'm too educated, I'm too good, I'm too capable. They are childhood shame mascing as sophistication. The real work is you need to learn to distinguish between social judgment and practical opportunity conversation for another day. Let's go. There are a lot of people who are you know stuck here and that's simply because you are stuck here because that's what it is you were given. That's what you were given. Now let's circle back. I've talked about the brain. All right. So one of the things that you see is that research shows that a derived brain cannot be reasoned with. I often say that a child I often say

28:37 that um [laughter] a child would who actually is angry. An angry child is not a listening child. That's one of the things we say in my home. An angry child is not a listening child. They don't listen to you. Somebody say, "My child is angry. I'm talking. You're talking. You're talking a lot. You're talking too much." All right? So talking more makes it worse. Threats will increase the fear. Not compliance. Let me move. There's something about compliance and calm that I want to teach you today. Let's move quickly. All right. Yes, there is childhood shame. What's the difference between compliance and calm? [clears throat] So, I'm going to be sharing with you a checklist today. I had to create this checklist this morning when I was trying to when I was trying to do the you know um the part of

29:24 what it is that we're doing. There's a checklist the different innovation calm and compliance how you're going to be able to check it and all of that. So I will be sharing it in the community after the session. But let's let's look at what I call the three-step process to learn calm. Number one is awareness. You need to know your inner weather. Before you can project calm, you you need to recognize your own emotional state. Notice what you're feeling per time. Am I frustrated? Am I angry? Am I impatient? Am I stressed? Am I anxious? Then you label it. This is how I'm feeling right now. Now, one of the things that you find is the um the emotional, you know, words. I'm going to talk about it in one of the

30:10 models. You know, you being able to learn more emotional words. All right? Learn more emotional words. So, you you are able to actually understand, you know, we're taught happiness and sadness. We we don't really have a lot of emotional words but what you want to do is to get the emotional words and learn them. Sometimes you're disappointed but you think you are angry. So the first thing you want to do is you know this is what I am feeling per time. Strangers will sense even your children will sense your internal turbulence even when you're silent. That's why I said that calm is not quietness. So awareness is the first place to stop to start to control your temperature that you set.

30:57 Number two will be regulation. Reset your nervous system. Once you know your state, you can now shift internally. So you breathe. You know that anti voice I said yesterday, you call yourself auntie, come all the way down. And once you are able to say that to yourself, you find sometimes I say it and I start to laugh cuz I realize that it's not that hard. It's not that it's not a lot. Sometimes your children have thrown things everywhere you are. Sometimes let it slide. It's not every time. For those of us who have cleanliness anxiety like me, I have clean toilet anxiety, clean house anxiety, clean bathroom anxiety, clean kitchen anxiety. According to my children, I have a level of OCD that need to be dealt with. I like things

31:43 arranged a certain way and all of that. But you know sometimes right you don't create tension unnecessarily. Hey every time you're shouting every time you no can you calm down breed breed like they say in Nigerian palace just breathe breed you know let me tell you a story. So the the family lounge in our house when you are going into my room this the the the the second sitting room is our family lounge and as we were walking through one of those days the twins were around I looked at the family lounge because a few people who I pick close to us comes up you know upstairs and all of that and

32:30 I looked at the family lounge and I saw bashit Yeah, I saw Duvy on that side. I saw this is my house that is P and proper H. [clears throat] I saw you know my friend can be P and proper as well. But as I was passing, I wanted to say who kept this oil pig. I just said auntie calm down. How long will this be here? Do you know the truth? Sometimes just breathe when you really think about it, right? When you really think about it, you will realize that after a long while ba the house one day will be so together. So when the twins are not around, the house is so

33:15 clean, so well put together. No, you won't see any room put bashit anywhere or any duvet lying down in my sitting room or something. So now I make a joke out of it. You can't try that. I'll be like, I think I'm going to actually do you guys park when you guys grow up, right? And then my children laugh. It's always funny to them. And then they, you know, they get to put it together. They get to, you know, just just bridge. Create fun out of it. Don't make it look as if somebody died because nobody died. Even if somebody died, you are still alive. You know, there's something we say in the yard, nobody died. Now calm down. If you really learn to breathe, take a deep breath. All right? Take a deep

34:01 breath and just slowly breathe for 90 seconds. It will calm your nervous system. Try it as in as you want to talk just say [snorts] h [sighs and gasps] and just you know and just and just bridge so you can prep yourself. I told you yesterday that I had unkempt kitchen. My kitchen is white platform white everywhere white white. So my kitchen is always and it's been like that. My kitchen has been like that for years. It's like sparkling. I like to take pictures in my kitchen. And my kitchen is one of my favorite places. [sighs] And then I as I'm coming back, I'll be telling myself, you might see a stain of oil on one part because they've cooked. When you do, just say, "Please, can you

34:47 kindly clean this oil right away?" So, you need to actually tell yourself, "Bre, [snorts] breathe." Start talking to yourself. is a good place to be. And when you do, I'm coming from a lot. I'm coming from somebody who didn't understand calmness as a skill. I was praying prayer. Oh Lord, I was if you check my shill card, God give me calm. God does not give you calm in that. Now, you go train the calmness. I'm sure God was just looking at me and just saying, "Oh my daughter, you don't even know how it works." Just preach, right? Don't suffocate yourself. Don't kill yourself with with yelling. Don't everything is not high tension and then when the children now leave

35:33 eventually Ghanaian school nobody your husband not be speak and span nobody to scatter the house you not be saying ah I wish the children are around you or I'm missing them breed I'm not saying don't teach them but I'm saying breed sometimes just allow some things to slide sometimes right just breed now one of the things that I've learned is that when you feel that way ground yourself feel your feet on the ground. Remove your shoe. Your body, you know, is supported. It reminds your body yourself that you're safe and you're present. Remove your shoe. Put it on the floor and just say, "Okay, I'm here. What has happened? What's gone wrong?" And then before responding to every chaos, before

36:19 responding to every chaos, just take two to three seconds. The God is here. So let me tell you a story about me and about my my children right my husband is here shout out to you the go and you know so my children were doing analysis of us and waking them up in the morning my children say I used to wake them up like sleeping [laughter] he says let's compare mommy's waking up and daddy's waking up I don't usually wake them up right their father has all the techniques and all the mechanics of getting them to wake like mommy will say if it's okay it's okay just stand up it's it's enough the sleep is enough [laughter]

37:05 is on my table the sleep is okay WAKE UP LET US MOVE forward and then their father that their father will come sing song I said we don't have time [laughter] what is CHASING US IS A LOT YOU GUYS SHOULD STOP DRAGGING me but you know what they is saying it I'm sharing it so that you understand that this is not a journey to perfection. It doesn't mean that those of us who are teaching are perfect. you're doing. No, no, no, no. It just mean it's your consciousness. Now, while they were saying this story of mommy wakes us up like sleeping, when my daughter said it, mommy, you wake us up like sleeping is a sin. In fact, when you conclude, you're like, it's okay. It's it's okay, fair, stand up. You will not shout, but just say it's okay, fair, stand up. Stand up. It's okay. The sleep

37:51 is enough. You can't continue to sleep. [laughter] And then she said, but that's somebody WHO IS ALREADY LYING DOWN AND SLEEPING. No time to regulate and come back. NO TIME FOR TRANSITION. JUST WAKE UP FAST. Let's move. [laughter] [gasps] Just breathe. As they were saying the thing, I was like, okay. I said, sh is because I woke you up two times. I say your father will continue his job. Please, I'm no longer doing this thing. Right. But what am I saying? There's a lot. You see that sometimes it's just us getting agitated. I like being fast. So, anything that is not fast, which one do you want to take two hours to wake up? What's going on? WAKE UP, JERRY. LET'S MOVE. LIFE IS LIFE is moving. [laughter]

38:38 Life is moving. You know, we begin to learn. We learn and we begin to actually get most of the time the trains actually wake up on their own these days and you know, from the time that they've, you know, trained to do that. that helps you to give you right that helps you to give you like some kind of you know stuff to look at all right so brea ground yourself pause you know I I shared that so that it can help you and calm is contagious remember what I said about your environment because my husband is very calm extremely calm nothing ruffles him right so when I'm trying to get agitated he's so calm that you actually get angry that he's calm you know that kind of thing right so I started to learn is it's also the environment I find myself. So when people talk to me right when people talk

39:26 to me about oh my husband is not calm oh me myself what I say to them is work on yourself. The moment you begin to create calm you find that the environment that you stay in becomes even calmer. People pick this environment. People pick this temperature you know people pick things. All right. It's just contagious. There's something around you, you know, that just makes so concentrate yourself. Don't start, you know, start fighting for the next person. You have come to this class, right? You have come to this class. You are learning that this house say ah that's my husband. Tell them. Tell them. Are you on that table of tell them climb down now? I bind you. So say

40:15 tell me. So this is not about your wife or your husband in case your spouse is not here. It's about you. Continue to create an atmosphere of calm until you get to the point where people around you just absorb it. See, you come with agitation around my husband. It just brings down all the agitation to the floor and you're like, "Hi, God. Where do I start?" When you regulate yourself first, you co-regulate people around you. And let me say this to men who are listening to me. You actually regulate the system in your home and the temperature the way it looks. So apparently because um the C is that calm. Our home is very you know we're noise makers right? We make noise, we

41:02 shout, we scream and all of that but we have a very calm welcoming suiting temperature in our home. So you are the regulator. Now if you cannot your husband is not the one regulating you are not take the mantle you are the savior of that home today become have you not noticed there are people I've seen in the yard they started you know and then you know their their thermometer the thermostat is you know and all of that you come these days [clears throat] in fact a particular man said what are you reading where are you I want to collect whatever it is that you're learning because I can see how much you have changed so don't point fingers Regulate yourself first. That's what you should do. Then step three is projection. Communicate calm through

41:47 action. Calm is not an inner state. It needs to show up externally. Voice. Keep it measured, slow, steady. Avoid raising it in response to agitation. Because I grew up in an environment where my father raises voice. I actually started to raise voice. you know when I come back it was one of the things that put me through learning this so of course you will not raise they will tell you you're shouting you sayh DID I SHOUT THAT'S HOW I talk auntie that's not that that's that you're shouting you're shouting lower your voice don't be like me in the past I was on that table you argue that you didn't shout and then when you say that's my normal voice what are you talking about now learn it that's how I am that's who I am that's how I was raised did you get to that

42:34 point. No, start to unlearn it. And believe you me, this is not something you learn in one day. Neither will you learn it in one year. If you're 30, believe me, you need another 30 years or maybe less, but at least as much as that to be able to deregulate the whole system. Don't expect that because you attended this class all of sudden, all of a sudden you will now become that person. So if you know that you're coming from home or shouters, you're my table. Oh, my father can hear and raise voice. Be conscious of it. Now, when they tell you you've raised your voice, say, "Okay, sorry." Lower it and continue. Why you arguing? We just don't argue. You're not a foll. You're already making mistakes. Calm down. All

43:22 of us are coming from somewhere. You must be humble enough to actually be able to do all of this. So, keep your voice low. Move. You can move. you know little gestures with your hands that will help you to actually communicate calmness. You know I really want to tell you when you actually talk all right with your hands you know with your body and all of that there's something it does to you you are able to actually be calmer right so that you don't get you know all tensed up and then lastly boundaries calm people lead firmly you can be gentle without losing respect people by your head not because of your words but because of the energy you radiate you hear me calm authority shapes your environment more than any lecture. Let me say that again. People buy your your

44:10 head. Not because of your words, but because of the energy you radiate. Calm authority shapes your environment more than any lecture. I want you to practice what I call low stress moment. Calm is [clears throat] like a muscle. It strengthens with intentional repetition. The more you practice calm under small gestures, the easier it becomes under big ones. Are you getting it? Let's move now. What's the difference? Right? Want to go to the um the point you know it. Let me say a bit about how anxiety becomes climate in your home. An anxious parent raises a vigilant child. If you are

44:55 always very vigilant, hey, let me watch. Let me watch. Let me watch. Let me watch. If you are vigilant, you just want to know, hey, that's what it's coming from your parents consciousness, right? An angry person, a parent parent raises a defensive child. If you are always defensive, it means that you were raised by an angry parent. Always defending. No, no, no, no. This one she said, you're always defending. Stop defending. Let your guards down. A fearful parent raises an avoidant child. You don't want to have conversations. You don't want to come to classes like this because they will trigger some things. You're afraid of what you will see. Children adapt to survive your emotional weather. If they feels unpredictable, they become very hyper alert. If correction comes with emotional explosions, they become either aggressive or withdrawn. If love feels

45:41 conditional or performant, they become perfectionist or they will rebel. So your emotional emotional state is not private. It's architectural. It builds the internal house your child will live in for the rest of their lives. Many parents are trying to discipline behavior. Why they are broadcasting emotional chaos? That contradiction confuses your child forever. Now let's talk about the difference between calm and compliant. Many well behaved children are not regulated. They shut down. They shut down. They shut down. And [clears throat] this is very important. The difference between calm and compliant is shut down children are

46:26 always praised. They are compliant. Don't raise a compliant child. They don't talk back. They don't cry. They don't question anything. They just obey. But obedience without emotional safety is not actually strength. A suppression. So calm is internal. Calm is internal. [clears throat] If it is a child when a child feels you know safe enough to make mistakes to disagree you need to see our children disagreeing with us. So a parent came to me and said that the daughter you know um brought out one of the things that she owned and then you know she worried she used it and all of that. That's a SIGN OF DISRESPECT. WHY DID she I was like okay okay. I was a bit you know I

47:13 was a bit worried. It's just like when you know people share that you know their in-law came and opened their pot of soup and carried soup from the kitchen. It it used to I used to actually feel like I'm an alien. It's just a pot of food. Take yourself out. Time will not permit me to talk about why that happened and why you are emotionally you know attached to things like that. Maybe tomorrow I will talk a bit about that. But let me finish my slide. All right. Now your children don't question anything. They don't talk back. They don't cry. They just obey. And if you're listening to me and you are saying, "Oh, I don't need this inner circle. I don't need this, you know, continue class. My children are very together. I'm the one I want. I just work myself. They just respect

47:58 everything I say." You have suppressed them. All right? You have suppressed them. Calm is not [clears throat] you being quiet. According to quietness is not the fruit of the spirit. A calm child is not afraid of you. A calm child trust you. A calm child can be corrected without collapsing. They can hear no without losing themselves. [laughter] Losing themselves. Now compliance, let me talk to you about compliance. Compliance fear pressure. Compliance is external. It looks good. But beneath it is fear of punishment, fear of rejection, fear of emotional withdrawal, desire to avoid shame. A compliant child may stop talking not

48:44 because they understand, but because they've learned that it's safer to disappear. They may say okay. But inside that feeling, they feel unheard. They may look very respectful, but internally they just anxious. Compliance can be created quickly. Regulation takes time. Compliance is controlled behavior. Regulation is internalized self-control. Many of you are focused on compliance. They're focused on compliance. Just want them to comply. Somebody said, "May my dad still does when they ask question." That's what they understand. That's what they understand. So, it's important that you need to begin to ask yourself. So I want you to shift from is my child quiet to is my

49:29 child safe enough to be fully themselves around me. Sometimes it's not just you know peace. It's just them protecting themselves. If your child has never challenged you, I want you to want you to actually take this in. If your child has never challenged you, ask yourself, is it because they respect you or is it because they fear you? I wanted to sit with you with this question. That's where the transformation starts. So last year we were on vacation in Japan and I was walking towards somebody. the person I think the person hit me or something and then the person said oh sorry and then passed you know me I was still doing why did you hit me

50:15 kind of you know I was still doing body likeh but can't you see my son tapped me and said to me mom you were wrong and you didn't apologize hey I said me wrong hey God he said but when you were passing you were on the wrong lane you hit that young man the young man passed you apologized and you did I up and down. Africa's number one. I said, "Oh, come on." In fact, I was so humbled that I said, "Okay, I call." He said, "Go back and apologize to the man. You were wrong." I had to walk back and say, "Oh, sorry." That's when you know that you have reached people who can who are actually

51:02 not compliant. I I want you to think about the things the people that you are raising. Are they the people that can hold you accountable tomorrow? Remember, they are going to be old, right? You're going to get to a point where your wisdom can't save you anymore. Right now, we have fathers. My husband and I, my father-in-law is a professor. My dad was a teacher. Smart people, but we are actually the ones who are able to help lead them at a point where they are. Will you raise children who will be able to hold you accountable without you feeling that you are infallible? You're not God. You're not God. Your children are allowed to say no to you. If your child

51:49 cannot say no to you, you're raising a compliant child because it's not every time you feel like doing everything. Your child is compliant. Your child is compliant. I tell you another story. Our daughter, somebody had come, we had finished, you know, serving and it was during the festive period and then, you know, she she likes to cook. Our daughter cooks very well and she likes to she cooks better than I do. And then a visa pops up and it was you know that I needed to entertain and then was sitting in the pal and I then called my daughter please can you help me just come and let's start prepare jellof rice or something so that this can eat. My daughter said, "Mom, no. I'm tired. I need to actually go and take some rest. I've cooked all day and I

52:36 need to take some rest." You There was no information about this visitor, this guest coming today. So, I didn't prepare my I don't, you know, I'm so tired. I need to just catch some rest. Maybe you can find something lighter to entertain this guest with. We don't have to cook. I said, "Okay, fair. Bye-bye." I was tempted at that point. I was tempted to say after everything [laughter] I just say, "Auntie, calm down." The girl said she's tired now. What's the problem? You know, that's how we go. We go on and on. AFTER DO YOU KNOW HOW ME TOO HAVE SUFFERED? SOMEBODY SAID NO to you. You are intimidating them to say yes.

53:23 Someone says no to you. You are intimidating them to say tomorrow. You are asking why your child couldn't say no to a stranger and you're asking yourself why you can't say no to people. It's because you were taught that the word no is prohibited and is a sin to say no. So the moment anybody says no to you, it triggers you. People say that I say no without explanation. I'm like because I understand boundaries. I I take no and I say no. Right. So at the end of the day, this girl left me and then went upstairs and I decided, you know what? I can cook the rice now. After all, am I not the one? She stayed like she rested like about 30 minutes.

54:08 Came down and she said, I still saw that you continue to cook this rice and I know that your jelloof rice is not the best there is. I just came to help you so that I please, you know, it won't be any distin. I said, "Thank you so much for cutting into your time of rest to come and help me. I appreciate it." At that time, it was very difficult for me not to say, "I carried you for 9 months. As I say it, you do it. I'm your mother." >> [laughter] >> Many of us react strongly to no or feel guilty saying it because of lessons were absorbed from our parents. No was

54:53 forbidden or was even shamed. Maybe your parents, teachers, authority figures punished you for refusing, for resisting, for asserting yourself. So the ner system learned no is dangerous, no disobedient. And saying no is wrong or is sinful. The ripple effect when someone says no to us now our system reacts. We're not reacting now rationally. We react emotionally because it remembers shame fear associated with refusal. So when we resuscitate or struggle to say no to ourselves the same imprint we learn that refusal is forbidden. So we comply and overexlain. Most of us overexplain. And then adults wonder why children can't say no to strangers. can accept

55:39 boundaries. Children mirror what they observe. So if you never say no or if saying no was shamed, your child learns yes is safe. No is dangerous. So saying no when necessary can talk about being rude. So I taught my children how to say no without communicating rudeness is a thing. Is a thing. So when my daughter said no to me, he wasn't rude. She actually said to me, "This is why I I can do that." Now it might not all go well with you where you are ma but please for self-preservation sake I think I need to be able to you know do things and rest and all of that. So now on a normal day right you as a parent I want to ask you

56:27 what you would do in that situation. So that's where honor comes in because over the years we taught our children honor. They understand the difference. So they won't be rude. They say no, I'm not doing it. I don't know. I beg. No, no, no, no. You won't say that. Not in my home. But you are you are um allowed to say no. Oh, you are. See, it's just like the concept of saying sorry. You know that we were raised with our parents, the people that raised us were so egodriven that you know sorry was like you know a blood tonic to them and most of you sorry is like a blood tonic to you. WHY YOU DID NOT EVEN TELL ME SORRY? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SORRY YESTERDAY? One of my team members say you allowed to

57:13 tell me sorry. I said don't you don't you tell me sorry please. I usually tell my my my [clears throat] team members that when it comes to sorry I'm not I'm not I'm not driven I have two children I can go and say be telling me sorry for money tonight and and you notice that mostly in the office you see that female staff that that's me because I'm an employer of labor I see a lot of female staff the moment you just say sorry ma sorry ma sorry I'm like okay I I I don't like the word sorry do the because of where we are coming from. So many of us were raised in an environment where saying sorry right was be ponized

57:59 and demanded. All right. So so is it that apologies are not good? No they are. But apologies should be done with intentions. So you see apologies were used as control or eco authority figure you know who made sorry you know they they made it as a way of asserting dominance you punish reinforce shame it became less about taking responsibility and more about feeding an adult ego a pride why did you say sorry now you owe me come on and of course as adults some of us are either obsessed over apologies you wait for validation or writing the wrong and then you will

58:44 pronounce sorry for yourself using it to control and guilt trip other emotional reactions are triggered by the history of apology as shame or as obligation not by the act itself. So when you demand sorry as punishment or you ego feed your children absorption they learn TO PERFORM SAY SORRY JUST SAY SORRY to them they're not really learning anything they're not really learning anything so the power of apology lies in authenticity reflection and repair not in ego satisfaction children and adults need to learn the meaning of sorry not the fear of saying Somebody's asking, "So, how do you teach your children to say sorry with intentions?" One of the things that you

59:30 want to do, all right, when you actually want to say teach your children on saying sorry with intentions is to be able to get them to first of all take responsibility. So, the first thing that we do for our children when there is a problem is take responsibility for it. So responsibility reflection when people are able to sit with what has happened they are able to see where the gaps are now the question to ask to guide them in taking responsibility is what happened how did this action affect others when you're trying to build this emotional intelligence you're building self awareness you're building ownership you're not building fear then you express the understanding a meaningful apology will include acknowledging see

1:00:16 the impact on the next person. I'm sorry I broke your toy. I see it made you sad. If you're trying to teach your children empathy, not just compliance. Number one, responsibility. Number two, reflection. Number three, repair. [clears throat] Teach your children repair. Repair. Encourage them to make amends. I'll help you fix it. I'll be more careful next time. It turns sorry into a constructive action, not just a reflective word. My big brother is here. Well done, Pastor Ume. A child who learns to say sorry intentionally develops emotional intelligence, accountability, and integrity. So the nervous system learns reflection, empathy, repair, not just shame.

1:01:02 So one of the things that we do with the twins is that when something happens. So something happened recently and I think my daughter said just you just say I can't remember what she said to we're all in the in the in the kitchen. Four of us. We didn't say apologize TO HIM NOW. WHY SAY SORRY NOW? We just said to her this thing you said do you think that it was the right thing to say? By the time we were done she was so sober. We didn't say anything. We left the place and then eventually she goes to her brother and says, "Oh, that thing I said, I didn't really mean it that way. I I was just, you know, it came from a joke and then he slipped through to become something bad about and then I just said it. I didn't think about it." Responsibility, reflection, repair. Stop

1:01:48 telling your children to just say sorry. Now, what are the signs of calm? I've told you already that. I'm going to send you the diagnostic checklist. It's not about judging your child. is about observing the emotional atmosphere. A calm child can disagree responsibly without panicking. My children disagrees all the time without being rude, without being insulting, without they disagree. Mom, no. Dad, no. I do not think that this is it. Something we were we had a meeting, a family meeting and was trying to actually, you know, um get a name for something that we were doing. And then my children goes, "This is the name." And then I come and say this this is the name that you know I think he should be my husband. I said yes that's the name my children carried my husband on their mind for the rest of the year like so

1:02:36 why did you call us for the meeting? Your wife just said one name and you took it. It's okay. So next time we're not supposed to come. We're not supposed to judge us. We're not in fact they said it so much that my husband were like what kind of trouble is this? So they actually allowed to disagree. They're allowed to create fun around the things that happened. They're allowed to cry. They allow your children to cry. They can cry. They're allowed to recover after um correction. They allowed to recover. Let them to take some time off to reflect. It mustn't be You finish shouting ON A CHILD, YOU GO TO THE ROOM. WHY ARE YOU NOT THERE? WHY? OPEN THAT DOOR NOW. WHAT IS going on? What's going on? You beat a child, you tell the child not to cry. I will give you, you are crying a bit. I will even give you more reasons to cry. Are you a witch?

1:03:22 Because that's how it sounds to me. like somebody is already saying that this is how they feel. You corrected somebody she feels bad and it's okay allow them time for reflection. You go there you is it this smart thing I said to you auntie uncle sama please now allow the child to process it. All right. So there sometimes you tell some children some hard stuff and they want to actually process what it is that you said maybe like a few hours and all of that. Even if you're going to go back and and rebel, go with restitution. Don't go with war. You you go with bazooka open the door. You are shooting everywhere. Why not open the door and say okay so you not feeling you're not

1:04:08 feeling bad about you know that this thing I told you this why I said this to you. I tell you a very simple simple example. I like to use myself as an example. So my daughter tied the scarf and I felt there's something somebody should saw that tie scarf. She copied I like this scarf you want to tie scarf LIKE THIS PERSON THIS SCARF MEANWHILE the scarf was really nice witchcraft in parenting is a thing and I was asking myself why they handing the girl but under it there was something more wasn't about the scarf anyways and then I finished saying this scarf I finished and I went few days later my husband said to me you know that that your correction was actually go for what was that about his scarf? What's the issue? Is it is it more than his calf? I

1:04:56 said yes. And then I tell the story. He said yes. Even at that you handle it well, my dear. I said okay, I shall apologize. I shall find a way. And then I meet my daughter. I went to buy two scarf. And then I said to her, you know what? I need to buy a scarf. I tied it and it looked so nice. No, when my husband told me told me was the day I now tied the same kind of scarf and I was going, it's looking so fine. The Lord shall forgive me. And then my husband, I said, "But you ting this scarf. It looks so fine, BUT YOU DRAGGED SOMEBODY for it." And I was sick. And I confessed that it was more than a scarf. [clears throat] And then I went and bought two scarves. And then I put it together and I said, "H" And I went to her. I said, "I bought one fine scarf for you. You like it." She looked at me.

1:05:43 She confused. And I said, "Do you remember the last time I was dragging you about scarf?" It was not about scarf. Let me tell you what happened. When I finished she said if I said it that time now you would have said it's not true I said I've said it now sorry thy scarf you you will go and still fight the child that you have made mistake why are you fighting ma why are you fighting you made a mistake take time and do restitution maybe sometimes not that what I said was wrong. The way it was said was not okay. You're not infallible. You're not God. Wake up, ma. Sir, wake up. There was a day her

1:06:31 daughter was, you know, doing something. I think my husband spoke about, you know, something she just said he said no this and then he came upstairs. I said now you shall go and do restriction inside that room that you're coming from now. He said I said you find a way. Oh. And then say, "Okay, I'm going down." I said if not you're in trouble. Can it goes down and then few minutes and then everything is all right. Somebody say what's in the sc cuz you guys are not nice. [laughter] I'm telling you guys too much. If you want to hear more about me my stories they're very interesting know join in askers. I have a lot lots and lots of I tell I teach with myself because I want I want you to understand that this is

1:07:16 not about perfection. It is about the process of being right. It's about the process. So I I want to tell you how uninfallible that I am but very conscious. I'm a very conscious conscious. I've I've grown my emotional intelligence to the point where you know I'm conscious enough to actually see these things. So saying sorry can you know should not become reflex a way to survive authority. No, should be genuine expression of responsibility. All right? So don't don't do reflex apologies. When you go to work, you apologize, you promptly, you undercut yourself, you know, if I don't, you're always saying sorry. So it's mirroring your nervous system in print. That's

1:08:03 what you're actually doing. All right? So these are signs of compliance. Okay? I said I'm going to share the checklist with you. Immediately go silent when corrected. your child is corrected. They just, you know, keep quiet, no conversation, nothing. They can, they're compliant. They don't want any trouble. They avoid eye contact after mistakes. They apologize quickly. That child that says, you say, "Ah, MY CHILD, THIS MY CHILD VERY GOOD." They she does not give me trouble. Once I say you did, YOU SAY, "SORRY, SORRY, SIR." Be careful. Be careful. [laughter] Be careful with you must be careful with compliant children. Very careful. You can ruin them. Ah, I know what I'm saying. You can ruin them. Compliant children can be, you know, they can be can be a problem. They hide under small

1:08:51 problems to avoid reaction. It's they are perfect around you, but they different with their peers. They say, "I don't know." When you ask them questions, they rarely express anger, but somewhere else they exploding. They seem tense in your presence. They fear disappointing you more than making mistakes. I don't want to disappoint my parents. I I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this way. They obey quickly but they struggle to self-regulate alone. If you check many people your children may be adapting, they are not regulating. So after you correct your child, ask [clears throat] yourself, did they soften or they shrunk? Did you get that? After correcting your child, ask yourself, did they soften or they shrunk? Did they learn or they just

1:09:38 submitted? Did they did they connect or the distance increased? Did they come you know um stay connected or they disconnected to survive? Now something happened recently and you know I was having a conversation with my daughter and I finished correcting about something and you know she came back you know she came back to me you know became you know back to me and all of that. talking you need to understand that if you don't like I was sharing this morning with inner psychoparents if you don't create connection systems after correction you lose the connection if you don't create connection systems after correction you lose the connection this is very important all right so the checklist will come to you and you'll be able to actually it now let me teach you

1:10:24 the regulation ladder this an exclusive framework that I've created for you to be able to understand what it is that you need to do. But before the regulation ladder, let let me share with you um the rebuilding safety plan. Um let me let me check if I had shared um okay the rebuilding safety plan. If you find yourself that you're raising a compliant child, what do you do? My child may be compliant but not

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