The Moment That Changed How I See Death Forever | Mighty Pursuit Podcast

0:00 People always ask me like what do I feel uh like what do I think happens after we die. Just for context, this story happened years and years ago. So like right when I became uh not I was I wasn't a new hospice nurse but newish. So it was many years ago and I did not tell this story for years because like you said it was something that I experienced and I was basically afraid to to tell it because I was afraid of judgment and but it did change how I viewed death so much. Um and it was one of the reasons why I don't really fear death. And people used to always ask me why I don't and then I would never share the story. And eventually I was like okay I got to tell people why because this is one of the reasons why. So, I had a patient who we call Randy. Um, and

0:47 he was young. He was younger, probably in his 50s, and he came on to hospice with no family, no friends really. And he had a lot of outside issues, right? He was coming on to hospice and dying, but also he had a lot of mental health issues, a long history of mental health. So, he didn't have many friends, family's not around. And when we when he came on to service, uh, he needed a lot of help, like a lot of mental help, a lot of we his house wasn't safe to be in. He was a hoarder. He was like really anxious, really guarded. And for whatever reason, because he was dying, I think he said later, he sort of like gave over to the hospice team and like allowed us to help him where years before he never would

1:33 allow anyone to help him. So within one weekend, like the hospice team like cleared out his house. We called like two distant cousins to come in and like they helped us basically clean everything out so he could have a nice apartment to eventually die in. And now granted, he allowed us to do this. And if anyone knows like hoarding, that's usually not how it goes. Like people do that for a reason, right? So but for whatever reason, he like let go and let us let us help him. Okay. So by the next time I saw him, he was like a different man. He was like happy. He was more free, more open. And he ended up living like nine months, which doesn't sound like a lot, but for what from what he was dying from and for what he was like when we first saw him, that's like cra that's it was crazy. And a good nine

2:19 months. And he had um he made friends with like all of our team. I would go over there a lot. He didn't have tons of symptoms. So like when I would visit, like we would just sort of hang out and just talk about his life and we would talk about existential things. like he wasn't afraid to talk about his own death. So, he would talk to me about like how he was afraid to die and what did that mean and how he lived and he didn't live this like free life and he had a lot of regrets. All of this to be said, we all grew super close to this guy. Okay, I don't have favorite patients, but if I did, this probably would be my he probably would be my favorite patient. I still think of him all the time. Um anyway, when he was getting close to his death, we did have a continuous care nurse in his house when he started actively dying, which means he was unconscious.

3:04 Um you know, he was dying very soon and we had a nurse in there 24 hours a day caring for him to make sure his symptoms were managed. And on the last day when I visited when I visited him, um I could tell he'd probably die that day. I could tell by how he was breathing, um by how he looked. I'm like, I think he's going to die today. and we had another nurse there caring for him 247. So I said, "Hey, listen. When he dies, you know, make sure you text me so so I know." And she said, "You know, no problem. Of course." And before I left, I basically like said my goodbyes to him in my head. And I was walking out of his apartment and I didn't feel really sad. I felt like so grateful that I had met him. And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I just like wish him the best. Whatever happens, like I wish him the best journey." And was like

3:50 thanking him all the way to my car. And of course, as a hospice nurse, you like get in your car and you like go to your next patient. It's like even though you're losing someone that you like love, you're still working, right? So, I'm in my car like getting ready to go see my next patient. And I thought, "No, I'm going to I'm going to wait. Like, I need to give more respect to Randy is what I'm thinking in my head." And so, I just like stop and I'm like looking at his apartment and I'm like talking to him again in my head being like, "Ah, thank you, Randy. I just like love you so much and like I just wish you the best journey or whatever." And all of a sudden, I heard Ry's voice in my head and he was like saying my name and he was going, "Oh my gosh, Julie." That's what it sounded like. Oh my gosh, Julie. Oh my gosh. And the reason why I look

4:37 like I'm smiling and happy is because that's how it felt. Like not only did I hear his voice, but I felt like he gave me all of the senses. It was like I could hear him in my head. I could feel how he was feeling. And I could almost see him like he was like soaring like he was happy. He was like and he was going, "Oh my gosh, Julie. Oh my gosh, if I only would have known, if I only would have known. Makes me want to cry every time I talk about it because it was so beautiful. If I only would have known how good this was, I would never have been afraid." And he didn't say all of those words, but it was like a feeling really. The only words I heard in my head were, "Oh my gosh, Julie, if I only would have known." But the feeling was like he was so free. He was so happy. He was so joyful. If I could like picture it, it'd

5:23 be like he was jumping up and down and like cheering like he was so happy and so free. And I knew that all his life, all he wanted was to be free. He always talked about that, how he never felt free all through his life. And in death, I could tell he finally felt that. And I just felt although I'm crying right now, it's like this is how I was in my car except more. It was like an overwhelming feeling of peace and joy and happiness that I could not help but like weep cry in my car because it felt so good. It felt so good. And he just kept going, "Oh my gosh, Julie. Oh my gosh. If I only would have known. If I only would have known." And it was like that for I don't know how long because it felt like time stood still, right? Probably only a few

6:09 seconds, maybe 30 seconds the max. And then all of a sudden it was like boom. I was like back in my car and kind of like shell shocked and like wiping my tears away like what the hell was that? You know, and then my phone beeped and I looked at my phone and the nurse inside said, "So and so just died." And I thought I was like, "Oh my god, I know. I think he just showed me like I think he just showed me the transition of like him dying or like the moments before he whatever went away to some other place." And I didn't say that to the nurse. I just said, "Thank you." Um, and I dried my tears and like went on about my day, right? And I told my best friend, Jenny. That's the only person I told for years

6:54 and years and years. Um, because I've never experienced something like that. I didn't know what it was. I felt grateful that he showed me that he was free cuz that's what I really, really wanted for him. And it made me feel so um not scared of death, right? I mean, I've always kind of felt like death would be like that, but it felt reassuring to be um felt like I was told like, "Yeah, you're right. This is what it's going to be like." And uh eventually I just said, "You know what? Screw it. I'll I'll tell I'll tell people about about my experience." And then when I did, people started telling me, "Oh, that's that's people have those things. They're called shared death experiences where people show you what it's like to die. And there's all there's books about them. There's articles about it there. Many

7:40 people have experienced stuff like that. So, kind of opened up a whole new world for me once I shared my experience. Since I've been a little girl, I always say I' I've felt homesick for a place that I have forgotten. And when I see like a baby, like I was saying earlier, when I see a baby, I feel like I can feel that place that I once knew. And when I see someone dying or close to death or taking their last breath, I can feel that place that I have forgotten. And I just feel like um yeah, I feel homesick for this place. And I think it's I I think when we die, we're not going uh we don't have to get into a place. I feel like we're going back to a place. We're going back to the place that we once knew. We're going back to the place that we came from. And I think

8:27 it's going to feel like relief. like, "Oh my god, I'm back. Thank God." You know, like, "Why'd you leave me there so long?" Um, that's what I think. I I have a strong sense of that. It makes me cry a lot when I when I think about it because I do. I feel like I miss this place. And I get glimpses of that place when I'm with people who are dying. when I'm with babies, when I'm with when I feel connected to people and I have like honest conversations and I feel like there's this spark of of of this thing, whatever this thing is, but that thing feels like home to me. And, you know, I love being here and I love experiencing life and I'm so grateful for it. And I think um I don't have to fear leaving this place because I think

9:16 I'm going to a place that's going to feel more like home than here ever Good.