The Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse

0:00 Today, I want to talk about the subtle signs of emotional abuse. Because you're going to eventually encounter people who twist your words to try to make you sound insane. They make jokes at your expense even though you've asked them to stop. They blame you for their hurtful behavior. They say they wouldn't have yelled or called you those names if you hadn't disrespected them first. They're one way in public and a completely different way in private. Right? They can explode in rage over the smallest inconveniences, but then the next day act like nothing happened and you're attacking them if you bring it up, right? You're just living in the past and you just end up feeling so confused, right? They tell you that you're the problem, but even when you try to please them, the goalpost just gets moved and you still end up being punished for not getting it right. These are just some of

0:46 the signs of emotional and psychological abuse that often get overlooked, right? And even though there aren't any bruises yet, even though there might not be signs of physical harm yet, anyone who has been in a relationship with someone like that knows exactly how harmful they are to our bodies and mind. And I'm certainly not trying to compare physical and emotional abuse. They're both terrible. They both have to be stopped. I'm simply saying that due to the fact that there aren't physical wounds, sometimes victims of emotional abuse are dismissed and overlooked and they end up feeling alone and unsupported. So today, I just want to remind you, you're not crazy if these things are present in your relationship. No one deserves to be yelled at or called names or belittled. It's not normal. It's not something that every relationship just experiences. It's destructive and abusive. And maybe

1:33 you're watching this today because deep down you know there's something wrong in your relationship. I mean, things started out great, right? In the beginning, they showered you with attention and praise. They made you feel special and chosen. There were these intense feelings of passion and love on both sides. But over time, things started to get really dark. And maybe you've spent months or years trying to convince yourself it's not that bad, right? I mean, nobody's perfect. Everybody's got their stuff to deal with. And love is all about commitment and sacrificing for those that we care about, right? Everybody [snorts] deals with this stuff. We have our ups and downs just like everybody does in their relationships. And I'll admit it, I probably need to communicate better, right? Maybe if I spent more time finding the right words that didn't

2:18 trigger their anger, they would respond better, right? Maybe I should just focus on how I can show up differently. So that's what you did. You learned to read their moods. You could tell the second something shifts, right? You're hyper aware to all that stuff. And my guess is, if you're anything like me, you don't want to rock the boat. You don't want to get into conflict. You just want to get along. So you're accommodating, right? You put their needs above your own. You prioritize them as much as possible to avoid as many conflicts as possible. You're empathetic to their past trauma, right? You want to understand what they went through. You try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean, sure, they have these outbursts, but you think to yourself, that's probably just because they weren't loved well as a child. So, you try to help them heal by loving them even stronger and more consistently now.

3:05 And so, you're willing to forgive. You're willing to believe them when they say that they're sorry. You hear their perspective when they're upset, but at the same time, you don't really feel safe to bring up your concerns or complaints, do you? There's not really room for your perspective, is there? And you've gotten so good at walking on those eggshells. You've almost gotten used to it. And if you're honest, it feels kind of familiar to be the one who carries the relationship, smoothing over every rupture, repairing all the conflicts, holding everything together. But the truth is, you're exhausted and you feel neglected. And worse, when you bring that up, you're either made out to feel like you're crazy or it starts such a huge fight that it just reaffirms your belief. It's not worth bringing this stuff up anymore. Plus, they're usually

3:50 better at arguing, right? So, they're confidently telling you that you're remembering it wrong, right? That they didn't say that. It didn't happen that way or you're asking for too much. When they do that, it becomes really hard not to doubt yourself and think, "Maybe I am the problem here." The only issue is there doesn't seem to be any amount of self-reflection that stops their anger. No amount of self-lame or empathy stops their explosive outbursts. In fact, the more accountability you take, the less they seem to take, right? The more that you bend over to make things work, the more they take advantage of you. And do you know what happens when someone feels chronically neglected for months and years into a relationship? Do you know what happens when someone is consistently dismissed and overlooked and yelled at and called names and

4:35 blamed for all the issues in the relationship and called crazy for asking for the bare minimum amount of emotional connection? Eventually, they snap. Eventually, they yell back and they say terrible things and they slowly become a version of themselves they never wanted to become. And a few things happen when you get to that place. One, a narcissistic person will take out their phone and record you during one of your episodes. They will push you and purposely trigger you until you break. And then they'll record you getting rageful so that they can show everyone how terrible you are. Or two, after you snap and call them names, you're filled with shame and guilt and it only gives them more ammunition to use against you. Plus, you really do feel bad about lashing out. So, you fall back into a submissive role. So, I just want to

5:20 remind you with the few minutes that we have together today that you're not crazy. You're trying to find safety and connection in an environment where they're making it impossible. It's not possible for you to feel safe with someone who says that you're too much, right? And your feelings and needs are a burden. You will never find the right words for someone who is committed to misunderstanding you. You're asking someone to fix something they don't view as broken. And the right person for you doesn't think you're too much. The right person wants you to feel safe to be vulnerable and honest. the right person wants you to feel valued and respected in this relationship. And you might have been conditioned over time to believe that love means abandoning yourself. Right? You learned that to be in a relationship means placing their feelings and needs above your own.

6:06 That's how you've stayed safe and connected to people your whole life, probably since childhood, right? But I just want to remind you that real love doesn't want you to feel afraid to show up as you. Right? That's not love. It's survival. So, if you forget everything else from this video, please don't forget that you deserve real love. You deserve a safe connection. You deserve someone who is consistent and kind and respectful. Someone who is excited to be with you, right? Someone who wants you to feel valued and respected and honored in this relationship. You deserve someone who sees you as an equal where you both have mutual respect for each other. And you never deserve to be talked down to or belittled or yelled at or hit or humiliated. Love doesn't do

6:53 any of those things. And yes, we all mess up. We all make mistakes and say things that we don't mean in the heat of the moment. But love repents, repairs, and reconnects. Love takes accountability. Love can say, "I'm sorry. That was wrong. I didn't think about your feelings. Here's what I'm going to do in the future so that doesn't happen again." Because an apology with no interest in change is simply manipulation. Love doesn't blame someone else for my hurtful behavior. Love cares about how my actions and words impact you because love is considerate. Love places your feelings and needs on par with mine. Love wants to understand your pain. If whoever you're with, I don't care if it's a friend, family member, or partner, says they love you, but they have no interest in understanding your pain, they don't understand love. They might love what

7:40 you can do for them or how you make them feel, but they do not love you. And I'm not making this video on emotional abuse because I want everyone who watches this to villainize their partner. I'm making this video because we can all use a reminder of what love should look and feel like in a relationship. We can all use a refresher on certain behaviors and patterns that often go under the radar but are always destructive and unacceptable in a relationship. The people I'm truly making this video for aren't looking for an opportunity to weaponize this stuff and call their partner abusive during their next conflict. The people I'm making this video for are the people in relationships that feel confused. They feel trapped. They don't know what to do. They don't know what they should tolerate in the name of love. They

8:26 question themselves. They wonder if they're the problem. Maybe because that's what they're being told, right? But I just want to remind you, I bet you're the only one asking those questions, aren't you? Let's just think about it. Do they ever wonder if they're doing enough? Do they ever ask themselves if they're the problem? No. And especially in situations where they're labeling you as the problem, we have to ask, why am I the only one self-reflecting? Why am I the only one who needs to change? Right? How is everything in this relationship my fault? Because the hallmark of an unhealthy dynamic is one where someone else consistently points the finger at you. They can rage about you about all the things that you need to change and how you don't appreciate them and how much you mistreat them, right? And how that justifies their behavior against you and you're expected to sit there and listen. But they would never tolerate

9:13 you talking to them like that if the roles were reversed, would they? The hallmark of a toxic relationship is one where they can dish it out, but they can't take it. There's no accountability on their end because they are the victim, right? They don't need a change. They don't need to repent or repair or reflect or reconnect because they aren't the problem. You are. At the end of the day, they have no interest in fixing something they don't view as broken. In emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships, there is a pattern of behavior, intentional or not, that harms controls manipulates intimidates, devalues, and attempts to undermine someone's sense of safety and selfworth. In these types of relationships, there's almost always one person who has no interest in self-reflection or emotional maturity.

9:59 They don't see the value in going to counseling. They don't see the importance in learning how to communicate better because they don't see anything wrong with their behavior. And honestly, it doesn't matter if it's intentional or not. Sometimes we think, "Yeah, but if they're doing things unintentionally, then there's an opportunity for change." Right? Here's the problem. When it comes to abusive people, they do not want to change. So it doesn't matter if they're if someone's unintentionally harming you, they're still harming you. And when you talk about that, how do they respond? An abusive person will always deflect and blame you. Sometimes a better question than is this technically abuse is, do they feel entitled to treat me however they want? Two, do they blame you for

10:45 their hurtful behavior? Are you scared to set a boundary because of the punishment that would come after? Do they care about how their behavior impacts you enough to actually change? Are you allowed to express pain or hurt or feelings or needs without being hurt in return? Is there a clear power dynamic where they dominate conversations with aggression or intimidation? Because those questions tell you everything you need to know about whether a safe, mutually fulfilling relationship is possible with this person or not. And if your instinct is to defend them a little bit, if your instinct is to get into the nuance and say, "Well, they're not like that all the time." That might be true. And if you would admit that they're like this sometimes, that's still enough to completely erode the trust and intimacy and safety in your relationship. And you

11:31 know that because you can feel it in your body. That's why you feel anxious all the time. That's why you feel scared and confused. And not every abusive relationship looks the same. But here are some of the most subtle ways that emotional and psychological abuse start to show up in relationships. These are the things that we have to protect ourselves against and take them seriously when they start rearing their ugly heads. It's not something we need to make excuses for. It's not something that we can just brush aside and say, "Well, nobody's perfect." Right? These are the signals that a relationship is headed in a dangerous direction. and ignoring that direction [snorts] only hurts you and me in the long run. The first sign is gaslighting. Consistently denying your perspective or reality in attempt to make you question yourself.

12:18 And you will question yourself because you're the empath. You're the submissive one. They certainly don't question themselves. And you're a good person. So you don't gaslight them in return. You actually want them to feel heard and understood. You care about their perspective. Here's my only question. Do they care about yours or do they try to minimize your feelings and concerns? Because dominant people, people who feel entitled to treat you however they want, have no interest in empathy or accountability. Their goal isn't connection and building trust and safety in the relationship. It's control. And so when you bring something up, they're just going to dismiss and invalidate and make it about themselves. Right? You're really going to make a big deal about that? I can't believe that you would be so stupid. You do the same thing to me and I don't even complain about that. You're so sensitive. I cannot believe

13:04 that you would bring this up. You don't appreciate anything that I do. And that's just a mild version of what I've heard abusive people say with my own ears. And this is extremely important. What makes it abusive is not simply invalidation. Because we can all unintentionally dismiss our partner's feelings from time to time. What makes it abusive is the laughing when you're in pain, the mocking you when you're trying to talk about your feelings. What makes it abusive is the intimidation. It's using someone's vulnerabilities as a weapon to make them feel small. It's done with a purpose to silence you, to control you, to manipulate you, to assert dominance. They make you feel afraid. They're playing by a completely different set of rules. And even if you tried to impose the same rules that they impose on you, they don't apply to them. They are the king and the king gets to

13:50 do whatever they want. And it doesn't matter if they're aware of it. It doesn't matter if it's intentional, it's harmful, it's emotionally abusive, and it will destroy your relationship over time. What makes it abusive is that it's done from a place of superiority. It's done with the goal to discourage you from speaking up or advocating for yourself again. It's meant to instill fear. That's why they randomly blow up and become emotionally volatile, or they just give you the silent treatment for days on end. It's done to destabilize you and punish you for somehow going against their authority, to remind you that they are in control. They can withhold affection and love at any time unless you play by their rules. Abusive people isolate you from your friends and family. They accuse you of cheating even though there's no evidence. They don't support you having your own hobbies.

14:36 They can be extremely jealous. They monitor your phone without your consent. They lie to other people to make you look bad. And even if they get caught in the lie, they always have an excuse or justification. They withhold resources. They control the finances. And when you ask for something to change, when you speak up about how something feels unequal or unfair, once again, you're just dismissed or overlooked or punished. What makes it abuse is that they attack your character and call you names, call you stupid or worthless or worse, they talk down to you and belittle you, always looking for a way to devalue you or remind you that you're not that smart, your taste in music and movies is stupid, right? And that no one would put up with you the way that they do. And the truth is, no one should ever have to hear stuff like that. It's not

15:22 just the screaming or the aggression or the threats. You don't want to see me when I'm angry. It's also the covert abuse. It's the eye rolls. It's the disgust in their tone. It's twisting your words to make you sound crazy. It's comments about your weight or your attractiveness. It's intentionally triggering you so you explode and then telling other people how you have an anger problem. It's all abusive. What makes it abuse is the entitlement. Deep down, abusive people genuinely feel entitled to treat you however they want because in their minds, they're superior to you. It's an element of possessiveness, right? From their perspective, you're in debt to them. You should feel lucky to be with them, not the other way around. When you have an event or you've planned something that you're really excited about at the end

16:07 of the month, it's not a coincidence that they're going to start a fight with you right before that. Why? because they're jealous that you have a life outside of them. They have to be the center of attention or else they'll punish you for it. So, they create this dynamic in the relationship where they mistreat you and neglect you. They invalidate and dismiss you. They coers and pressure you sexually. They're hypercritical of you. Nothing you do is good enough. They take no interest in your needs. But then when you pull away emotionally, when you withdraw, which is inevitable, they shame you and they blame your distance as the reason they mistreat you. It's a vicious cycle. And the hardest part about these relationships, which we touched on earlier, is that they aren't like this all the time. That's the most difficult

16:53 aspect because at the lowest lows when they're yelling at you or calling you those names or neglecting you the next day or the next week they switch and they're kind and considerate and thoughtful and loving acting like nothing happened. It's crazym and worse when you try to explain it to people. It's really hard to articulate, right? Plus, they've tricked all of them into thinking that they're a great person. So people kind of look at you like, "Well, what did you do to set them off?" Because they seem pretty chill to me. So, you don't even feel safe to bring this up to anyone anymore. And when they're treating you well, it tricks our brain. It that we say, "See, it's possible. We just need to figure out how it can be like this all the time." But that cycle has a name. It's called a trauma bond. It's what happens when abuse and affection get tangled together. When the same person who

17:40 wounds us is also the one we see that can soothe us and your brain starts to crave the high after the low, it becomes a puzzle for us to solve. Right? We've seen what's possible. They've given us just enough hope that we can continue to feel stuck. We ride those ups and downs like a roller coaster we can't get off of. But even if you know you're being mistreated, you still struggle to leave. Even if you know you never deserve to be yelled at, you still love them and you hold on to hope that things could be better. And if that's you, I just need you to know that you're not broken or flawed. Any one of us could get trapped in a relationship like this. Your nervous system has simply become addicted to the intermittent positive reinforcement and you don't need to shame yourself anymore. These relationships feel really difficult to

18:26 break, but it is possible. And one of the steps to breaking this cycle and healing from these types of relationships is confronting the shame associated with them because there's so much shame around staying in an abusive relationship, right? You beat yourself up for staying and you beat yourself up for feeling unable to leave. You beat yourself up for ignoring the warning signs that you can see in hindsight. But that shame only keeps us stuck and silent. And maybe there's a part of you that believes that this is the best that you can get. So in the end, it's better than being alone, right? But the truth is, it's killing you. And you will never feel more alone than in a destructive or toxic relationship. It's time to stop beating yourself up and give yourself grace. You have to stop the cycle of

19:11 negative self-t talk. Tell yourself exactly what you would tell your son or daughter or best friend that feels trapped in this situation. You wouldn't criticize or shame them. You would speak to them with gentleness. You would validate how difficult it is for them to leave. And you would remind them of their worth and value and help them see it in themselves again. But you don't do that for yourself, do you? The truth is, it's really hard to leave these relationships because you probably feel like you'd be abandoning them, don't you? Part of the reason it's so hard to leave is because you never want them to feel abandoned because you know that pain, don't you? But they will use that against you and tell you that if you ever left, they would hurt themselves. So now you feel stuck in so many different ways. The truth is, I never wanted to abandon them, but at the same

19:58 time, the thought of them abandoning me was even more terrifying. I would think they're probably going to treat the next person better, right? What if I was the problem? But here's what I need you to know. If you're the person willing to put in the work, if you're the person who actually wants connection and respect and consideration and trust and safety in this relationship, you're not the problem. And a better question than is my partner abusive or not is, do I actually feel safe? Do I feel valued? Do I feel prioritized? Not perfectly, just consistently. Anyone can make you feel loved sporadically, but that still erodess trust and intimacy, right? It's the consistency that produces safety and security. So, do you feel like they have your back? Do you feel like they have your best interest in mind? Do you feel respected and honored? Do they value your perspective? Are you safe to

20:44 express your vulnerabilities and feel heard? That's the relationship you deserve. And sometimes we get so focused on the red flags and trying to see how many of those are present to disqualify someone, we forget about the complete absence of green flags. What would happen if you simply stopped looking for red flags and just asked yourself how many green flags does this person have? Because what I'm noticing is the people that tend to get stuck in these types of relationships, um, we don't ever ask ourselves what do we specifically need to feel loved, honored, and cherished. We're so stuck in fight or flight that we only think about what they need. But that's part of the healing work that needs to take place. You have to decide on a new standard for how you know you deserve to be treated in a relationship. And if you don't know how you deserve to

21:30 be treated, it's my job to remind you that you're a human who has value and deserves the same respect and kindness that you give out. And when we get stuck in a relationship where there's a discrepancy, a mismatch in effort and intentionality, or when we feel trapped in an abusive situation with someone who devalues us and mistreats us, and then love bombs us, and we cling on to that hope that maybe one day things will always be like this, when we are consistently being hurt, but we stay because deep down we're terrified, it's our job to get to the root of that fear. It's okay if we're scared. We can get to the place where we can admit, "I'm scared and this isn't working for me. This relationship isn't working for me and I'm terrified to leave, right? This dynamic isn't working for me, but I

22:15 desperately want it to. This relationship isn't working for me and I'm terrified to talk with them about what would need to change." That can all be true. And I still need to get us to the place where we can admit to ourselves, "This isn't a safe relationship, and I deserve a partner who cares that I don't feel safe." The truth is, I don't know your situation. The odds are leaving is hard and staying will be hard. You have to choose your heart. But what I can't have happen is you continually staying in a relationship where you have to shrink to exist. You have to stay silent to feel safe. You feel afraid of someone who says they love you. A relationship where you feel like you have to abandon your feelings in order to not be punished. And you're really good at turning the focus back on yourself, right? And wondering if you've done enough. But

23:02 that's easier than coping with the pain of realizing that you've been overextending and overfunctioning for a long time. You've bent over backwards to make this work and they've refuse to bend for you. It's actually easier to think about what more you could do than to sit in the discomfort of knowing that they haven't shown any signs that they're willing to change. And that's terrifying because it either means that you're going to have to break up with them, which is terrifying to think about, or it means nothing is going to change and you will continue to be neglected and mistreated in this relationship. And that's also terrifying to think about. So, where do we go from here? There's a lot of different places. If the behaviors have just started and it's becoming a pattern, but you would classify this relationship overall as

23:47 safe, then you need to set some healthy boundaries now. You need to get on the same page about a standard for how you're going to treat each other today. You need to be honest and vulnerable, but also direct about certain behaviors that you find hurtful and see where they stand on them. Now, is that hard for someone who's conflict avoidant? Absolutely. Is that terrifying for someone who's a people pleaser or that they're scared of being abandoned? 100%. It's the most difficult thing you'll ever do. Doesn't make it any less necessary, right? Because if your relationship can't survive difficult conversations where you're honest and vulnerable and still respectful, then your relationship can't survive and you will never feel connected with this person. We can recognize that a pattern

24:33 is forming, call it out in a loving way without labeling them as abusive, per se, and simply talk with them about what's happening and what needs to change for you to feel valued and supported and safe in this relationship. An abusive person will have no interest in reflecting or repairing. That's the difference. Someone who isn't abusive might not know how to reflect or repair, but they don't want you to feel hurt or neglected. They want to make it right. Even if they don't have the tools, an abusive person doesn't care. But if this has been a pattern for a while and you don't feel safe in this relationship, then confronting them isn't the best idea. I don't need you setting boundaries with someone who is not safe because that's only going to trigger their aggression and dominance even more and that might lead to physical harm. So, we don't set boundaries with unsafe

25:19 people. We remove ourselves from that environment. That's the boundary. Now, that can obviously be difficult and it might take some planning, but we have to do everything possible to stay safe. And leaving doesn't mean you failed. You're not a failure because you chose to end a relationship that didn't feel safe. You didn't give up. You poured yourself out. You bent over backwards and did everything possible to make this work. They weren't interested in reciprocating that energy. You didn't abandon them regardless of what they tell you. They created an environment where love wasn't possible. They abandoned you when they broke trust in large and small ways and refused to repair or take accountability. They gave up when they called you those names and they were aggressive and they wouldn't even admit that that was wrong. They boxed you into

26:06 a corner and they sealed their own fate. You were the only one pushing for actual connection and intimacy. They voted for self-centerness and pride. Choosing those comes at a cost, right? This is simple cause and effect. So, no matter what they say, you need to know you did everything you could. No, you're not perfect, but you were putting in consistent energy. They were not. because connection and closeness and trust and intimacy and emotional safety require two people putting in the work to build and sustain them and you only had one. And the truth is leaving abusive relationships can be really difficult, especially when there's kids involved. And I'm not for a second going to say that I know what that would be like because I don't. But my guess is it's terrifying. It's also really difficult to leave these relationships

26:51 when someone has called you worthless and ugly for years because you start to believe them, right? you believe there's nothing better out there. There's so much shame in there and I don't have all the answers. I hope you get the help that you deserve. Please reach out to the appropriate resources. Please talk to someone about what you're struggling with so they can give you guidance on this. But I do know this. You're not ugly and you're not worthless. You're beautiful. And there's probably been a pattern where people have spoken those terrible words to you your whole life. But you're still here. You're still giving love a chance. You're still showing kindness and consideration to others. They used their trauma and turned it into hate, but not you. You're still choosing love. And I hope you know how strong that is. Thank you so much

27:36 for being here with me today. Just know that I'm praying for you and I'm pulling for you. And I can't wait to see you in the next one.