0:00 - Is it possible to have a truly loving, connected intimate relationship with an addict? Simple answer is no. And I'm gonna give you seven reasons why and honestly, the list could be much longer than that, but these really drive home how it's just not possible and while you may be in a relationship with an addict or you might be the addict yourself, what you're settling for is much less than all of us are capable of and it's really the scraps. And there's no in, in with addiction it is impossible to have truly connected, loving intimacy.
0:45 It's not possible and these seven reasons show, will get into why that is. Okay? The first one is there's no mutual sharing because the addiction runs everything. The addict is self-absorbed with their addiction. So any type of sharing they do is really a manipulation. Now they may disagree with that and we're gonna get to why they would disagree with it. But that's the first reason. It's not a mutual sharing of information, a mutual sharing of their heart, a mutual sharing of interests. It's all, the addict will be self-absorbed, first and foremost and that's a barrier to intimacy. Number two, there's no stability. Addicts are completely impulsive, compulsive, boom boom boom.
1:31 They, you know, you can't get stable and therefore you're constantly like this. Well, if I'm like this in a high state of stress and fear, how am I open to intimacy and connection and the quiet times that a loving, healthy relationship is actually very, very quiet. There's no intensity. With addicts, everything's intense. All right? Number three, there's no trust. Addicts lie, they manipulate, they steal. They'll do anything to keep the addiction going. They'll hide it from you. They'll create covert ways. And so all of those, if there's no trust, there's no intimacy. There's no connection. And any, when they do pull it out,
2:18 it, as I said before, it's only a manipulation so that they can, once again, act out. Number four is addicts have an inability to truly feel and connect because the addiction is numbing them. They're not present in their life. They're not present in their body. They're not present in their thoughts. They're not present in their feelings. The addiction is actually there to soothe intolerable pain. That's what is at the heart of addiction is intolerable emotional pain. And so the addiction is there so that they don't feel it. Well, if they don't feel it, they can't feel you. They can't express themselves. They are not there fully, emotionally.
3:04 Well relationship and intimacy is not possible without feelings. All right. Number five, their self-loathing over going against, 'cause every addict is going against their morals and values, their needs and wants, their negotiables and non-negotiables. They don't want to be an addict, as much as they try and convince you that, "Oh, I'm not an addict," and "Oh, it's fine. No, there's no big deal. I'm okay." All of that's a lie and so all of those lies they tell is more self-loathing, more pain that they then project onto you. They can't take ownership. They can't even see that none of that is true and that gets to the next two. Number six, they are in delusion. They are completely deluded.
3:50 Their reality is skewed because addiction blinds us from reality. We think, no, like they, they, here's the thing with addicts. They're so convincing because they're so convinced themselves because that pain is so overwhelming and they've developed such a false coping skill. They have, as we'll get into the next one, and we'll talk about this. They have detached from themselves so much that they think they're in reality, but that's how skewed they are. Well, when somebody, you know, you're basically in a relationship with an actor, that's the truth. Can you have a relationship with an actor? Of course not. Is there true, authentic intimacy? Of course not. And that leads to number seven.
4:35 Addicts are completely detached from their, from themselves. They are not present in this world, even if they're not using. An active addiction, even if they're a binger, whatever it is, if they're medicating in any way, and that can be animals, the addiction to animals is skyrocketing. People are choosing animals over people, pot pills alcohol. Alcohol is the single most, well, alcohol and food are the two biggest addictions on the planet and completely condoned by society. Like everyone's like a, almost all of us are alcohol, well, I don't drink, but almost everybody's an alcoholic. It's just, it's condoned. Almost everybody's a food addict. It's just it's condoned.
5:22 Okay and so when we have all of these addictions present, you wonder why the divorce rate is over 50%. Everybody's an intolerable pain. The reality is skewed. They're detached from themselves and that makes intimacy impossible. And here's why those seven matter. Intimacy, the way I learned to define intimacy is into me, I let you see. That's intimacy. Well, I'm an intolerable pain and I'm masking it with all this, you don't see me. You never see me. I'm never there. Well, there's no, how can you love me when I'm over here? You have, my addiction is what I'm presenting to you.
6:10 I can't let you see me and therefore it's not possible to have a true loving relationship. So you have a choice in front of you. There's only one solution. You have to face the addiction and there's nothing you can do to get them to face the addiction. That, they just come to that on their own. Usually they have to run out of denial mechanisms and they have to suffer. They will exhaust all their denial mechanisms until they're in so much pain that the consequences of continue the addiction feels worse than the addiction itself and for some people, that never happens because usually they're great at finding enablers to keep it going. So that's what you're up against is if you are the addict or you are with an addict,
6:57 you're really not in a relationship. It's a really a codependent dual enabling, well there are a lot of terms, it doesn't really matter. But there's not authentic relationship and authentic intimacy. It's people, two people doing the best they can with where they are in the moment. Both of them hurting, both of them perfectly imperfect. Life is so tough 'cause we don't teach this stuff and so a lot of people are addicts. And so I guess we all have the choice. Would we like to live a little bit better and a little, in a little bit less pain? And there's only, if that's, if that's what you want, there's only one way. We have to face the pain that's created the pain.
7:42 So that's, that's, what's in front of you. So I hope that helped you. If it did or if you know somebody who's struggling in this dynamic, please share it with them. Like in some of your comments. I know I'm probably gonna get a lot of hate mail about the animal one. People love their animals, but it's, it is a fact that many people are using their animals to avoid people. That's not meant to disparage. It's just pain. It's no different than anything else. So I, I love your animals too. So I'm not out to get animals, but at any rate, like, comment and share. Lost my train of thought. Like, comment and share. And as I always say, remember, just enjoy the journey.
