0:00 Hello viewers, welcome to the Royal Oak Swall Cliff just off the A30 between Shbury and Ssbury serving a range of This is me old mate Richard Hammond. This is also ridiculous. >> It is ridiculous. We're just finishing off a couple of pranks as I believe they're called. They are. >> And then we're going to play cheese chess. Now cheese chess was invented on my other show, James May shedload of ideas available to view on Quest and then streaming on Discovery. See the link in the description or whatever. And the idea of the game is it's a way of moderating your cheese and biscuit consumption [music] after a large supper. Uh here are the rules. Okay, you play chess with the cheese pieces. If you take a piece, you can eat it. The person whose piece was
0:47 [music] taken has to drink as a forfeit a shot of the other person's gin, which in my case will be Richard Ham's ratio. >> My case will be James Gin. Which one have I got? >> Asian passive. >> Um, the eventual victor [music] can consume all the remaining cheese on the board and the loser has to do a straight face promotion of the others quest stroke discovery show. So, for example, Hammond, should you lose, you have to promote James May's shedload of ideas, which is uh coming on Quest and then later streaming on Discovery Plus, and the link is in [music] the description. As a pallet cleanser, we each have a gin and tonic of our own gin to take away the awful taste of the
1:33 other person's gin. Um, when we did this on the television, the the chest pieces or the cheese pieces, whatever you want to call them, [music] they were exquisitly made in a mold. uh by my production crew here. The staff of James Jin failed at that. So have roughly heuned some pieces out of solid lumps of red leester in cheddar. Um, it's apparent what they are from their position on the board, but you'll probably >> also from the smell because it's warming up and I was sat in a little lobby in the a very pleasant corner of your pub and it has been entirely filled with the aroma of slowly warming red leester and cheddar. >> Yeah, >> this is ridiculous.
2:18 >> It is ridiculous. Also, there is an immediate problem [clears throat] because white goes first. >> Yes. >> Which is white. >> This yellow. >> Well, that's not white either, is it? >> It's red. >> This is closer to white than that. >> Okay. In that case, >> I go first. [clears throat] >> In fact, you are white because your queen is on the white square. So, >> well, there you go. >> Okay. Richard Hammond starts with a prawn. Uh James May is going to take this knight for that is what that [music] is. It's going to fall off. This is absolutely
3:04 preposterous. >> It is >> that that we're currently engaged in. >> Uh right, >> James. >> Yeah. Why did you think of this? And I'm not asking for a plug for your show. >> Because we've been working for some time on ways of moderating people's cheese and biscuit consumption. As you know, there's always a problem with the cheese, all the biscuits running out. >> Yeah. Yeah. I I do grant you that. >> Oh, good move. >> Shut up. >> Um H >> How do you play chess? >> You move them about. You take bits of cheese on crackers. >> That's a bishop, isn't it?
3:49 >> Yeah, it's a bishop. >> Uh, >> well then watch. Well, right. Hang on. Okay. >> That's the queen, isn't it? With the V in it. Yes. That's the king. The pointy one. Yeah. >> Yes. Okay. Um, right. Uh. Oh, no. That's a silly idea, >> James. I don't play chess for >> I don't play chess either. played chess. This is the second time I played chess in the last two years. And the last time I played was with you. >> Yeah, that was the last time I played >> and I got completely hammered. If you remember Dan I'm not left-handed. [laughter] Oh [ __ ]
4:40 Ed with scissor hands. Right. Well, >> whose go is it? >> Mine. I can't remember what to do. >> Good move. >> Are you going to say that every time? >> Okay. >> Um, >> that's a bishop, isn't it? >> Yes, that's a fish. >> If you've just joined Why? >> I mean, the internet's a massive place. There's a lot of stuff on it. >> Watch some Oh,
5:28 >> that's a That's a dish. >> I'm going to have a >> Are we allowed to self-medicate on our own gin in between? Okay. I'm going to have another go and then reward myself with a little That is London grizzly. >> No, don't. Please don't appetize your gin throughout it. [clears throat] >> Who put the straw in it? I don't like it. >> Yeah, that's a cleaning ratio. >> Whose go is it? >> Uh, mine. >> Okay. >> What did I just do? I moved Bish. There >> you did. Um, I've always wanted to do I don't know what this ornament is. If I inherited it with the pub, do you think you would actually go on? Not even looking. >> Won't
6:13 >> I'm not even I haven't I haven't got a plan. >> No. >> Aren't you supposed to have a plan when you play chess? >> I think you are, but it's too difficult. >> It is a really difficult game. >> Did that confuse you with my cunning thinking? >> Yeah, because that's a bishop and you've moved it like a knight. >> Oh, I thought it was an eye. >> No, that's the knight with the >> Oh, >> so basically you cheated. >> Sorry. >> You got to move that one actually. Which one's the nut? Have I? >> That's the knife. >> Is that the rule? I >> Yeah, I'll be playing that rule. >> You just made that up. That's not a rule. >> Touch a move. That's >> really So I've got to move my bish. >> Yep. Diagonally, ideally. >> Well, yes. So, that's the bishop. >> Yes. It's a miter. See? [music] See?
6:58 >> Yes. Yeah. Well, I don't want to leave there. >> Don't [clears throat] That's Queen, [music] isn't it? >> Yes. >> Oh, radical. >> Um, in the aerial view, the overhead shot from that camera, these are just these [music] just all look like squares of cheese. >> Well, they are squares of cheese. >> What's that? That's a bish. >> That's a bish. [clears throat] Oh balls.
7:44 It's riveting this. I have no [music] doubt. Um, as we set about promoting your gin, incidentally [music] my gin, your television program, incidentally my television program, we do that by means of sitting in front of a slowly increasing [music] stench of warming cheese in a cubby hole in a pub in Wiltshire. It's too difficult to think about this. >> It is a very complicated game. Should
8:29 we just Should we just make it work? >> Wait, hang on. Where was he? >> Oh, yes, he was. >> So, I got to eat this. >> Yes. >> Oh, I have to have a >> Do we have to say something nice about it? What's the deal here? >> What you like? You can say what you like. >> Good, isn't it? >> Yeah.
9:15 >> Um, right. >> M warm. What is this? Red leester. >> Mhm. >> Uh savor the bilburries nettles and gor petals which give it a sort of pineappley thing. You you'll get it. It's like a very subtle. >> This is good. Can you taste the Lake District? >> Oh, yeah. Is that like butter falling down my
10:01 throat? >> Thank [clears throat] you. >> Queen to F4. >> Duda. draws you in a bit, chest, isn't it? >> That's a knight. [music] >> Can I? No. >> Oh. Oh, that's mean. I don't I don't like that. >> I know that all the chess enthusiasts watching this are going, "No, no, no. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? >> Um, I think I might put that there.
10:48 >> Really? >> Oh, what? What? What? >> Let you do that again. >> Why would >> What? >> Are you going to sacrifice? >> Because Yeah, but otherwise I'd lose it anyway. >> Well, not if you moved it to safety. Say back there. >> Seems a bit Oh, or there. and put you [music] in check. >> You can't Oh, is that Oh, that's a bishop, isn't it? I thought that was a knight. >> Yeah. >> So, I made my last move wrong because >> Mhm. >> I thought that was a knight. So, I was >> Oh, no. I really haven't bother with that little piece. So, >> I forgot that you can retreat, but it's boring, isn't it?
11:46 Oh, a [snorts] >> Oh, and I can't move into check. >> Oh, I think you're checking. >> God, I am. >> James, >> I could have done that in the last move, but I thought that was the night. I've already taken it. >> Is that one of those stunt moves that they do? >> It's a bit of a fool's mate, I think. >> Oh, I mean, mate. >> Mhm. >> Yeah, that's the power of a queen, isn't it? >> Mhm. >> Well, as I've just learned. >> Well, I hope that was immensely enjoyable. As it turns out, we're not drunk. We can't do a second take cuz we've eaten some of the pieces. So, um,
12:33 I'm going to say I hope you enjoyed cheese chess. We're now going to cut cameras and Hammond and I are going to consume the remainder of this by which I don't mean the cheese. >> Okay, two things have to happen. >> One, I have to finish [music] my tot of your gin. And remember, >> I know >> I have to promote your show. >> Oh, yeah. And I have to eat the whole board [laughter] >> James. >> Yes. >> You're actually an idiot, right? [music] So, the whole point of this film, one, we be rude about one another's gins, which we actually haven't been because I don't think we want to be. I'm going to be perfectly honest, so it's out of character and it's not good TV and all the rest of it. Richard Hammond's gym is actually pretty bloody
13:20 good. >> I know. We're both enjoying one another's gym. >> I've got a bottle at home and I've had it with tonic and I've had it on its own. I think we even made a martini with it and it's it's almost as good as mine. Yes. And I had quite a stock of yours, but it's all gone. And that's all you need to know. But the whole point of this exercise was at the end of it, what do I have to do as the loser? >> You have to promote my quest stroke discovery, which is James May shed load of ideas. >> There's this feature in it. >> Cheese. Yeah. Cheese [music] chest does. Yes. >> Right. So, what's it called? I just I'm I'm >> There are there are actually marketing people in the room with us. >> Are there? >> Yes. >> And they're close to tears cuz you fools mated me in about six moves.
14:07 >> Yeah. >> Um and then forgot to get me to do. So the full fit is I say watch James May's >> shedload of ideas. >> Watch James May's shedload of ideas >> on quest. on Quest >> and then streaming on Discovery Plus. >> And then streaming on Discovery Plus. >> That'll do it. >> And then there's I'm getting a hint in my peripheral vision. There is a link in the description which will take you straight there. >> We're getting [music] old, mate. >> You are. >> Wow. How did you fall for that? And it's so obvious. Even if you're not chess. [music]
14:52 >> [music]
