0:00 You know your loved person better than most other people and if you're noticing something's not right ask about that and asking directly about whether someone is feeling hopeless and having suicidal thoughts will not make it worse it will connect you with them and allow you to work with them to get the help they need. When we're having these really important conversations about suicide something to kind of hold in mind is the difference between somebody having thoughts of suicide where they just can't see the point of carrying on and they don't think things are ever going to get any better, and that people would be better off without them those thoughts, and actually having an active plan
0:48 being suicidal. em We can... talk about how each of those are difficult but there is a distinction and when we're thinking about how we support people it's helpful to kind of remember that so that we don't get so frightened. That the fact that somebody is maybe having a thoughts of suicide means that they're an active risk right now. How can we tell if someone's having suicidal thoughts, is the million dollar question em... And there are things that we can look out for You know, people sometimes say things like "what's the point" "I don't know if I can go on" they actually say things that suggest they're really struggling and feeling hopeless. Other times it may be changes in... kind of mood or personality or behaviour, they're maybe more withdrawn, or more irritable, or
1:35 just sad. yeah What we're going to think about is the importance of kind of picking up on any of those signs and those hooks, but We also need to remember is that sometimes we can't tell and we don't know and that's not our fault If we haven't noticed a change if we haven't noticed a sign But as I say those ideas where people may be giving us hints for changes in their personality or their behaviour and obviously sometimes they can be things that look positive, somebody might start to have been through a really difficult time and sometimes start to look as if everything's better and again that's a challenging one to look out for isn't it, so why would you think that would be a clue that someone is feeling suicidal. You may just be really glad that they're feeling a bit better but we know sometimes that people experience some relief when they've made that decision
2:22 and that kind of uplift after a difficult time. can sometimes be a warning sign. I think if we are concerned about somebody the best approach is to ask directly and that's both asking directly "Are you okay?" maybe saying "You seem like things are kind of weighing you down" or ''that you're kind of struggling a bit" And also to US directly at some point about ''Are you having thoughts of suicide?" We know from people who Have been in that place That somebody asking them that doesn't increase the risk of it happening And the really important thing about asking that question is It makes a bridge to somebody who's in that lonely, difficult place We know what is going to help people get through this
3:07 is feeling connected to other people and having these suicidal thoughts Whether it's an active plan, or whether it's part of a sense of hopelessness or reactive to a lot of stress that's around But what having that direct conversation allows to do is to See what we can do to help. It gets us alongside them, they're not on their own in that place with those scary thoughts There are a whole range of services out there that support people who are struggling There can challenges accessing them at times, but they are there and it's worth persisting And I guess the other thing is not to underestimate the power of what you're offering right now. em... Sometimes people don't need complicated psychotherapy what they need is to be, to know that someone cares
3:52 and to have that sense of being listened to and not judged and.. that they matter. Lots of people worry about getting it wrong even if they don't think it's going to make somebody hurt themselves but they worry about that they'll offend or they'll upset them, or perhaps that they'll hear something that they don't feel able to manage, it's really painful to know that somebody you care for is in that really difficult place and also you may worry that you're going to mess it up or get it wrong. And... The message. I would give as a professional but also as someone who has what a lot with people who've been in those places and who have told me about the things that help them is that... What we pick up is people's kindness and their intent
4:39 You know, we don't I can't remember who said it Maya Angelou or Oprah says, "We remember how people make us feel" not what they say And as long as we come from a place of care And. A willingness to help, people will hear that and... It doesn't matter if you get the words messed up What people will notice is that you're interested and you want to help If we're thinking about what sorts of help people might need, you know to get them through this really difficult time and... Thinking of one of the other films on the site when Neil talks about the light at the end of the tunnel, and What we're often doing in supporting somebody who's in that really dark place is kind of holding the hope for a little while for them, when they can't find it themselves.
5:25 It's about listening it's about finding out What they need, you know, what's what they think is driving this difficulty and em... A big message is that we don't have to have all of the answers, we don't have to fix it we don't have to come up with a with a plan but we need to be curious and interested to find out what's contributing to someone being in this place, and It's interesting if you think about practical support because actually Lots of people's difficulties may have a solution that we can try and help with You know maybe the reason people are feeling hopeless is the not in contact with their kids. or... Their wondering how they're going to pay their bills, or they've lost their job It's not fixing something to to have that conversation, and say well let's
6:11 have a think about what we might be able to do to get some help with that So that the support you might be able to help people access. won't only be about mental health support It may be about those real life issues that are causing people so much em... stress If we are supporting someone who's in a difficult place then You know we need to take care of ourselves too and... whether that's the idea that you can't pour from an empty vessel or the kind of air stewardess tells us that we have to fir our own oxygen mask first You know, in the same way as the kind of plans the people were supporting you need to include a network of folk who can help them, and things they can do to look after themselves to pick up their mood If we're supporting people, we need to have those things in place for us too.
6:56 and it's one of the reasons we talk about kind of maybe not in keeping secrets You know, not sort of if someone is It's not the we're going to tell everybody somebody's business, but we might need to say I need to be able to tell someone. that I'm supporting you and I'm I need a bit of help as well there's also an issue about boundaries em and... sometimes people find themselves in positions where The person they're supporting is relying on them a very great deal I mean that's a wonderful privilege that someone is doing that We have to be realistic about what we can to and... we can't be the only kind of hook somebody's holding onto and em... You know, answering calls twenty four seven.
7:44 You know so, We both need to really try and encourage people to access those professional supports if they need them. em... and also to say to the person If we think you know... "I can't do this on my own, I'm here for you, but we need some other people in our team To help with this" em... Suggest cause that goes by to that... Guilt that we talked about really about when sometimes We feel all of that responsibility there on us, you know we need to share that and have other people that can help us and we need to look after our own mental health
