0:18 Hey there. So, you've clicked on this video and I'm happy you did. Maybe you're going through a tough time, divorce, breakup, illness, or maybe it snuck up on you insidiously. It's still hard to grasp the series of unfortunate causes and circumstances that have left you in such a condition. Perhaps you even feel like a burden, unloved, worthless, and all of those other adjectives that can gnaw through your restless mind. Or maybe you're a bit further from the ledge, but nonetheless struggling with intermittent thoughts of eternal release. It's okay. These [music] thoughts are actually extremely common, but still
1:04 they can suck. They impact your [music] sleep. They hurt. They make you reconsider the point of it all. Suicide is a frustrating subject to grapple with. It happens just enough to impact many. It's violent, seemingly sudden, and leaves the living with a tragic belief that something could have been done. If only, they will say. But like a virus, the gnawing pain grows unbearable within the host and can spread in a horrid efficiency, [music] impacting families, friends, and entire communities. And so, as if there was any other choice, we must study it. And yet, it doesn't happen often enough for us to fully understand what drives some to take their life. It's rare to
1:51 leave a letter and even more rare to leave one that offers any insight into [music] the psychology of the afflicted. The sufferer once alive with a voice and a laugh and a smile and a body is suddenly erased. And so the living are left with the challenge of understanding such a tragic culmination of events. Isolation, shame, [music] psychic pain. We are often left with nothing but the hard truth that taking one's life is a nightmarish combination of biological fate, social catastrophe, and mental strife. It isn't selfish. Who am I to say that one's pain is bearable and [music] somehow surmountable? I simply don't know. None of us do. As David
2:37 Foster Wallace tells us, the suicidal does not wish for death, but rather desires freedom from pain. Existence is a burning house and you can either burn to death or jump out of the window. And so falling into that void can feel like the only choice. So what do you do? I mean right now. First, it's important to note that you do have a choice. And taking one's life is certainly one [music] choice. It could technically resolve certain matters. chronic pain, unemployment, the absence of such miserable states does sound appealing. However, here I'd note that these are states. Nothing in life is guaranteed.
3:23 Change is perhaps the only thing we can bet on. To choose a permanent solution with some idea [music] that you 100% know that nothing will change and things will get worse is claiming some omnipotent insight into the future that frankly none of us possess. You could be right, but based on your limited position as a creature toiling in the perpetual [music] present, it might serve you well to list a few other courses of action beyond ending it all. Yes, suicide is certainly one answer, but are there resources for chronic pain management? Are there any jobs available? And will the prospect of a job forever be out of reach? You don't have to pick any one option, of course. You're the one with the ability [music]
4:09 to choose after all. But right now, you are presented with a problem, likely a few. And assuming that you have found the single answer to this problem is perhaps a bit reckless. [music] Hold on for a day at least. Just think it through a bit more. Jot down some alternative things that could also resolve your life circumstances. [music] But I get it. The pain is ridiculous. Each day is a dreadful carousel of fright nerves, numbness, and dissociation. You've suffered alone for far too [music] long. And to write out some silly list can feel naive. And here I'd say it would be helpful to reach out to a friend, a relative, a helpline, any
4:55 living, breathing soul that can feel what you are feeling. This might sound insane, but many have been there with over 12 million Americans per year reporting some form of ideiation. You don't have to go through this alone. And also many studies on suicide show that a primary predictor is low social support and of equal concern an aversion to self-disclosure. To suffer in isolation and bear the weight of your pain is tremendously challenging. Finances, addiction, traumatic memories or a sense of profound guilt. We don't want to share secrets because we struggle to gauge just how much others will judge us. [music] But here, I would note that if you are considering ending
5:41 your life, you are already likely judging yourself far more harshly than anyone else could. Please reach out. Either [music] you disclose your secrets and find that they really weren't that big of a deal, or on the opposite end, you'll be validated for the difficulties you face. It's a win-win. Disclosure reduces shame and prevents isolation. So, please send that text or email. Please just reach out. Thirdly, it's important to note that most suicides are impulsive. In a great deal of cases, impulsivity predicts attempts. When you're impulsive, it makes it difficult to engage in higher order decision-making. Usually, these people are disregulated,
6:27 angry, hopeless, high, and or [music] drunk. In fact, drinking alone is present in the overwhelming majority of such deaths. Drinking numbs you, lowers your inhibitions, and increases aggression. It makes sense then that it would be a slippery slope. The hard part is that drinking is [music] often the only thing that has kept one going. Removing it can feel like an impossibility, and many addicts alternate [music] between feelings of shame and denial, only perpetuating their need to escape from their minds. Recognize here that drinking wasn't a sinful, evil, [music] or malicious act. And you aren't a bad person. Alcohol served a purpose. It was a method of survival, no matter how harmful. And now
7:13 that tool isn't working anymore. [music] You're not running away from drinking. You're just putting down the drink for now. I hope so far you've at least learned a few things to [music] survive the night. There are practical steps. Hiding or getting rid of [music] means to hurt yourself. Scheduling an appointment with a professional. [music] But as the days go on, the very event of an attempt or severe ideation could leave one with a lingering sense of existential ambivalence. Do you have any control over its reemergence? [music] When things have settled, it's important to phase into part two with a focus on protection. One [music] thing that seems obvious but we rarely do is to identify what [music]
8:00 feels unbearable in life. Really name it, talk about it with a friend or a professional. More often than not, we are driven to such dark thoughts out of an incapacity to be ourselves or said differently to lead a life worth living. A great loss, failure, inadequacy, these things [music] force us into hiding from the light of hope. Is a life worth living beyond such tragedies? Well, for every awful circumstance, there's usually a survivor, someone who got through [music] it, no matter how terrible. People can be damaged, but they can't be broken. There is a brighter future ahead. And psychology has gone a long way in [music] identifying the basic needs for a life
8:46 worth living. Autonomy, the [music] need to endorse one's own behavior, is pivotal. Are there things disconnecting you from yourself? Are you leading a life that you want? Write down your idea of the good life. What does it look like? How close is it to your current life? And what's in the way? It's the small steps forward that count. Relatedness, the need to connect and belong is equally as important as autonomy. We are [music] social creatures and so strengthening connections is an essential element to living well. Please don't close yourself off. We need each other. Finally, another basic need is competence. The need to feel masterful in one's
9:31 environment. How do you feel about your ability to do things? This is a fickle subject. It can probably feel pretty overwhelming. [music] Trying anything means being vulnerable, which means you can fail. Right now is the last time [music] you want to fail. But the truth is that most talented people are just really good at [snorts] failing. Confidence doesn't come from doing everything perfect the first time. It comes from falling down and finding out [music] that you can get back up. What makes you feel a state of flow? What makes you feel competent? [music] Sign up for a class, buy that paint, and please do it for yourself, not others. What would you do if you didn't have to impress people? [music] Of course, most
10:16 of the time someone takes their own life, we find that they were struggling with a significant [music] mental illness. Depression, anxiety, addiction, and PTSD make up a large amount of attempts. It's extremely important that underlying issues are treated. Engaging in care for mood, trauma, or anxiety based issues is crucial. Naming it often provides some clarity, and opening up about it can reduce helplessness. If you can afford care, make it a priority. Look into community- based resources. Yes, you might feel like a weirdo. Being labeled with something can be extremely stigmatizing at the same time, but as we know, most people are struggling with some sort of mental illness. It's incredibly common up close. Nobody is
11:04 normal. And also understanding the biological origins of suicidality [music] while a developing field can go a long ways. Medication [music] does exist and it can make or break whether you can live a solid life. Now, not everyone should take medication and the side effects should [music] be communicated, but make sure to look into this with your therapist or physician. Now, you may be thinking, "Sure, this is how you prevent yourself from ending it all, but why? Why not end it all? Why continue living? What's the point? The suffering, the hopelessness, [music] the darkness? Certainly, there's some cruelty here." Advising others to march on in a pained and seemingly worthless state of decay.
11:50 I do not know what your why is. [music] Nobody does, but you. The question as to why one should persist, why one should hold on despite it all, can only be answered by the poor soul who asks it. [music] Victor Frankle, the psychologist and Holocaust survivor, similarly argues, "We do not ask life what the meaning of life is." Life [music] asks us, "What is the meaning of your life?" And life demands our answer. Life [music] asks this in every moment. Heartbroken, hung over, lost. The suicidal knows this all too well. They are intimately acquainted with such a question. Ironically, they may be closer to the truth as to the meaning of all things. But more often than not, one's consciousness in [music] such a state is
12:37 constrained and narrowed. As one Lancet study on suicide survivors notes, many participants experienced a state of heightened focus and narrowed consciousness both leading up to and during their attempts. During the state, there was no room for concern [music] about significant others, reaching a point of no return. For those who survived, a large majority [music] of them were dissuaded by thoughts of leaving loved ones behind, the effect of their deaths on others, including their pets. Their narrowed awareness was sometimes broken by [music] an intrusive sound, a light, or the unexpected presence of people. Small signs were interpreted as a reason to reconsider. Something inside them said, "Not just yet." I cannot answer your question as
13:24 to why you should stick around. It's the point of life to try to figure this out. That is living is the act of seeking its justification. So go out there, embrace the mystery. As Juan de la Cruz tells us, as a traveler into strange countries goes by ways strange and [music] untried, relying on information derived from others and not upon any knowledge of his own, it is clear that he will never reach a new country, but by new ways which he knows not, and by abandoning those he knew. So in the same way, the soul makes [music] the greater progress when it travels in the dark, not knowing the [music] way. And if you remember anything from this, it's that [music] you should talk to
14:10 someone. Suicidal ideiation is common and most people, including myself, have struggled with some extremely dark thoughts. You don't have to suffer [music] alone. We're all going through it. And it's crazy what can happen when you open up and talk about it. Nobody is irredeemable. Nobody is broken. [music] But many have decided that they are that they are innately irresolvable and that it [music] is better not to be. But no, nobody is this defective. Damaged. [music] Yes, we're all damaged by our genes, our past, our future, or our lack thereof. It's the same damage that can [music] teach us to guide us to meaning and
14:55 completeness, creation and wisdom. >> [music] >> Suffering is an ancient teacher. Not something to desire, but something to [music] face with quiet strength when it inevitably comes knocking. [music] You're strong enough. I mean, you're here, right? You made it this far. [music] Why not see what happens next? Leonard Cohen said it best. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
