4 Parenting Mistakes That Will Ruin a Teenager

0:00 - Some parenting mistakes can definitely ruin a teenager. I know this for a fact, because for over a decade I've been working with teens who are rebellious, unmotivated, angry, anxious, troubled, and depressed. So today I'll explain the four common mistakes to avoid when parenting teens. Let's start with mistake number one. Continually point out your teens' flaws and areas for improvement. Do you frequently say these types of things to your teens? "You need to manage your time better." "You're using your phone too much." "If you put in more effort, you would get better grades." "You should eat less junk food." "Why are you so irresponsible?"

0:45 Of course, sometimes it is necessary to point out areas that your teenagers can work on. And I know you probably think there are many things that your teenagers are not doing well, but if you criticize your teens every day or even multiple times a day, it will affect them negatively. They may become angry, resentful and defiant. They may also start to withdraw and avoid spending time with you. In the long run, frequent and harsh criticism will cause them to have lower levels of self-esteem and they may start to believe that they will never be good enough. This is exactly what happens to many of my teenage coaching clients. So make sure to avoid this parenting mistake of continually picking on your teens' flaws.

1:33 The better approach is to focus on progress, not perfection. The more you observe and acknowledge the progress that your teenagers are making, the more likely it is that they'll feel motivated to continue putting in effort to improve. I'm Daniel Wong and I specialize in helping teens to become successful and happy. Let's move on and talk about mistake number two. Invalidate your teens' feelings. When you do this, your teens feel as if their emotions don't matter or that what they're feeling is wrong. This happens when you tell your teens directly or indirectly that they shouldn't feel a certain way. Here are some examples of things parents might say that invalidate their teens' feelings.

2:20 "There's no reason to feel sad." "This is just the small thing. Why are you getting so angry?" "If this situation bothers you so much, just wait until you have to deal with real problems as an adult." "You're too sensitive." If you invalidate your teens' feelings, over time they'll start to suppress their feelings. They may even start to develop feelings of shame. Clinical psychologist, Dr. Marsha Linehan, has even found that emotional invalidation may cause borderline personality disorder or BPD. BPD is a condition where people find it hard to regulate their emotions. They are often impulsive, have a negative self-image and sometimes engage in self-harm.

3:05 So it's crucial that you acknowledge your teens' feelings and empathize with them. So they learn how to effectively manage their emotions. If you're finding the tips useful so far, please like this video and please leave a quick comment below to answer this question. What's one mistake you've made when parenting your teen? Now let's talk about mistake number three. Speak to your teens as if you always know better than them. Think back to when you were a teenager. Did you think you knew better than your parents? I know I did, and you probably did too. Over the years, the environment that teens are immersed in has changed drastically. Dr. Tim Elmore has written in detail about the concept

3:51 of artificial maturity in young people today. Compared to previous generations of teens, today's teens are more advanced in terms of their cognitive and intellectual abilities. I'm not referring to their knowledge of math and science. I'm referring to them being exposed to all kinds of technology, apps, information, and perspectives. Mostly because of the internet and social media. Many of my teenage coaching clients think of themselves as more progressive and educated than their parents. They think their parents don't know or care enough about issues like social justice and climate change. Because of this, many teens today think of themselves as mature. But Dr. Tim Elmore says

4:37 that this is a form of artificial maturity. Because they know a lot about certain issues, but it doesn't mean that they are mature emotionally or socially. Of course, as a parent, you've probably realized this, but your teens haven't. So they'll become especially close-minded if you frequently talk down to them and imply that you know better than them. Avoid saying things like, "I know what's best for you." Or, "If you make this decision, you'll regret it." Or, "You'll only understand when you're older." If you say these types of things, your teens will start to withdraw and they'll be less willing to share their thoughts and feelings with you. This will make it harder for you to give them the support they need

5:23 during the challenging teen years. As a result, they may go down the wrong path. I've seen this happen far too many times in the lives of my teenage coaching clients. So take the time to listen to your teens' point of view. Try to understand why they feel so strongly about certain issues, even if you disagree with their opinions. Keep in mind that the approach that works with teens is when you do more listening and less lecturing. After all, your teens won't change their behavior or mindset when they understand why they should change. They'll change when they feel understood. This brings us to mistake number four. Continually protect your teens from the natural consequences of their actions.

6:11 I've coached countless teens who haven't learned the important life lesson that choices lead to consequences. Why haven't they learned this? Because for years, their parents have been sheltering them from the consequences of their actions. Of course, these parents have good intentions. They don't want their children to struggle, and they don't want their children's confidence to be shaken. I'm a father of three myself, so I know how strong the urge can be as a parent to protect your children, even to the point where it's harmful for their long-term development. For example, I know teens who have repeatedly failed to meet the academic requirements to move on to the next grade. Their parents got involved and found ways to get special exemptions

6:57 so their teens could still progress to the next grade. In some instances, the parents transferred their teens to another school, just so their teens could move on to the next grade. These parents did this because they didn't want their teens to face the reality that they just didn't meet the academic requirements. Now I'm not saying that parents should show their teens tough love every single time. I definitely believe in the importance of showing grace, compassion and kindness too. But when time and time again, teens are protected from the natural consequences of their actions, they'll start to believe that there will always be someone to bail them out. I recommend that you start by allowing your teenagers to experience natural consequences in small ways.

7:46 For example, if your teens don't put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, you might be tempted to do it for them, but I encourage you not to. Then let the natural consequences run their course. Your teens won't have clean clothes to wear and they'll be forced to re-wear their dirty clothes. If this happens a few times, I'm confident that they'll start putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Whenever you allow natural consequences to run their course, don't lecture your teens or say, "I told you so." Instead, let the consequences do the talking. If it's hard to get your teens to listen to you, I've created this free resource that will help. It's a quick action guide, entitled "10 Proven Ways to Get Your Teenager to Listen to You."

8:32 Visit daniel-wong.com/guide to download the guide for free. Make sure to put all the letters in lowercase. I've also included the download link in the description below. And please subscribe to my YouTube channel so you don't miss out on future videos. Just click the subscribe button below this video. Now you know the parenting mistakes to avoid with your teens. It would definitely also be helpful for you to know the four things you should never say to your teens. So watch this video next. You might just be saying some of these things to your teens. So check out this video, see you in the next one.