Brief Summary
This video explains why people take things personally, often linking it to complex trauma experienced in childhood. It highlights how such trauma can hinder the development of a strong sense of self, leading to feelings of shame and an egocentric perspective. The video offers practical steps to break this habit, including stopping the story, asking directly, and using the mantra "This is not entirely about me." These steps aim to foster emotional resilience and reduce overanalyzing, ultimately leading to more peaceful and confident interactions.
- Complex trauma in childhood can lead to taking things personally.
- Developing emotional resilience is key to not personalizing others' actions.
- Practical steps include stopping the story, asking directly, and using a specific mantra.
The video introduces the topic of how to stop taking things personally. It begins by explaining that the tendency to take things personally is often connected to experiences of complex trauma, particularly those occurring in childhood. The discussion sets the stage for understanding the underlying reasons behind this behavior and how it relates to early developmental experiences.
Complex trauma is defined as exposure to overwhelming events, typically starting in childhood and recurring within relationships. Unlike "Big T" trauma, complex trauma involves situations where children are forced to deal with intense emotions alone, lacking emotionally attuned adults to help them process and soothe their feelings. This absence of support hinders the development of self-soothing skills.
Experiencing complex trauma can impede the formation of a strong sense of self. Individuals may struggle to understand who they are and their place in the world. This lack of self-awareness contributes to the tendency to internalize and personalize external events and behaviors.
Complex trauma often results in high levels of shame, with individuals believing they are inherently flawed, broken, and unworthy of love. This deep-seated shame reinforces the habit of taking things personally, as negative interactions are seen as confirmation of their perceived worthlessness.
Complex trauma can stunt emotional maturation, causing individuals to remain in an egocentric or self-focused state. This developmental delay affects how they interpret the actions and behaviors of others, often leading to personalization.
The video explains that children naturally exist in an egocentric state, believing that everything happening around them is directly related to them. As children mature with secure attachments and emotional needs met, they learn to consider others' perspectives. However, those who experience complex trauma may remain in this egocentric state, interpreting others' actions as personal reflections.
An example illustrates how an 8-year-old might internalize a father's exhaustion and lack of enthusiasm as a personal rejection, rather than understanding it as a result of the father's work-related stress. This demonstrates the egocentric perspective where external behaviors are directly tied to the child's self-perception.
The video contrasts the egocentric view with a mature perspective, providing an example of encountering an unfriendly clerk at a gas station. Instead of taking the clerk's behavior personally, a person with a developed sense of perspective might attribute it to the clerk's job dissatisfaction or personal struggles, showcasing the ability to look beyond oneself.
Emotional resilience, the ability to bounce back from negative experiences, is often lacking in individuals who have experienced complex trauma. Without this resilience, people tend to take everything personally, leading to overanalyzing, overthinking, and heightened sensitivity to rejection or hurt.
The video emphasizes that people's behavior is more reflective of their own feelings about themselves. While interactions can influence others, reactions and behaviors are largely determined by individual communication skills, self-beliefs, and past experiences. Understanding this can bring peace and reduce feelings of being slighted.
The video transitions into providing actionable steps to break the habit of taking things personally, offering practical strategies for changing this ingrained behavior. These steps are designed to help individuals develop a healthier, more objective perspective on interactions and relationships.
The first step involves stopping the stories that the brain creates to provide certainty and safety. The video highlights that these stories are not always true and can cause issues in relationships. By noticing and acknowledging the stories, individuals can begin to question their validity and avoid reacting as if they are absolute truths. For example, if someone doesn't text back, instead of assuming disinterest, recognize that the assumption is a story.
The second step encourages asking directly instead of assuming. This is particularly important for those with complex trauma, who may avoid direct communication due to fear of conflict. Asking direct questions fosters closer relationships, sets boundaries, and provides clarity by giving others the opportunity to explain their actions or behaviors.
The third step involves using the mantra "This is not entirely about me." This tool helps create new neural pathways, reinforcing the understanding that not every interaction is solely about oneself. By reminding themselves of this mantra, individuals can consider that other people's stress levels, backgrounds, and beliefs influence their behavior, leading to less reactive and more grounded responses.
The video concludes by encouraging viewers to share the most helpful aspect of the video in the comments, promoting engagement and reflection on the content. It reinforces the idea that breaking the habit of taking things personally is a learned skill that can lead to increased confidence and reduced reactivity.
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Transcript
Full transcript of “Become immune to the opinions and behaviors of other people”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:00 today I'm going to talk about how to stop taking things personally but first we have to talk a little bit about why we tend to take things personally which is usually connected to the experience of complex trauma now complex trauma is exposure that usually begins in childhood to overwhelming events that happen over and over again usually within our relationships now of course a lot of people think as trauma as what's called Big tea trauma like severe neglect or abuse so complex trauma occurs in situations that we experience growing up
0:45 where we're forced to deal with big overwhelming upsetting emotions alone because we don't have an emotionally attuned healthy adult to help us with our emotions to connect with us when we're having an emotional experience to help us soothe so that over time we can learn how to self soothe now when we experience complex trauma a few different things happen we don't actually fully form a sense of self simply we don't understand who we are or our place in the world another thing that happens when we experience complex trauma is that we
1:31 have a high level of shame we believe that something within us is wrong that we're broken and we feel Unworthy of love and a third thing that happens when we experience complex trauma is we don't fully mature we stay in what's called an egocentric or a self focused State now when we're children we're all in an egocentric state we believe that everything that happens to us is because of us our ego is still developing and we're still making sense of ourselves and the world around us now in this state naturally we take everything personally and I'll give you
2:17 a simple example say you're 8 years old and your dad comes home from work really exhaust it because he's been working overtime and you run to greet him excited but he's too tired so he kind of just brushes you off and maybe later that night he's losing patience a lot he's getting angry frustrated because you're in an egocentric State you don't have the ability to think well hm my dad's been working so much to provide for us he's really tired so he's irritable he might not have the energy to play with me right now and he might just not be as excited to see me as I am to see him and instead you might think I caused my dad to act like this something about me is making him treat me this way now over
3:05 time if we're fortunate enough to grow up with a secure attachment with our emotional needs being met we naturally mature out of this egocentric State we learn to look outside of ourselves and to understand the perspective of another person so we don't tie everything that someone else does to ourselves so I'll give you an example say we run into a gas station to grab a drink or a snack and the clerk just isn't the nicest to us so we can think okay maybe they just don't like their job maybe they're going through something difficult in their own life or maybe that's just the way they treat people and it's not just me so in those moments you're able to emotionally bounce back from this
3:52 experience you can quickly get over it without taking their stuff personally without making their behavior about you now if our emotional needs didn't get met if we experience complex trauma we don't have this emotional resilience or that ability to bounce back or to get over it and we start to take everything personally now if you're someone who does this you know how exhausting it can be to think that everyone else's behavior is a reflection of you you probably start overanalyzing and overthinking and you probably get upset really easily feel rejected or extremely hurt by other people's
4:37 behaviors now the truth is people's behavior is how they feel about themselves now of course we influence people but the way people react and behave has to do with their communication skills their beliefs about themselves and their own par best experiences now once you really understand this life is going to get a lot more peaceful because you're not going to feel slighted at every turn and resentful so now I'm going to give you a few steps to begin to break the habit of taking everything personally the first step is to stop the
5:23 story now this can be difficult to swallow but the reality is we really never know why someone else did something and if you're honest with yourself you might not even know why you do many of the things that you do but our brain loves certainty and safety so it creates stories in order to build that certainty and the truth is these stories just aren't always true but when we don't question these stories we actually end up acting as if they are truth and this can cause all types of issues in our relationships so if and when you notice yourself telling yourself a story
6:09 practice noticing witnessing the story and stopping the story by saying something as simple as the story I'm telling myself is now here's an example of how that could work say someone you're interested in isn't texting you back so you start to feel anxious and you're brain creates a story that they must not be interested in you anymore so in this moment you might say to yourself the story I'm telling myself is that this person is not texting me back because they're no longer interested in me now you've made it clear to yourself that this is a story and it's not necessarily true helping you take that
6:55 first step to break the pattern of Crisis thinking of acting as if the story is true and reacting as if the story is true the second step is you want to practice asking directly a lot of the time if we experience complex trauma we don't know how to ask someone directly because we fear conflict or we just aren't comfortable asserting oursel but the practice of asking someone directly is so important in relationships it actually helps us feel closer to people or or to set boundaries with others when they aren't treating us well when we ask someone a direct question instead of assuming we give them the opportunity to bring us the
7:41 clarity that we need the third step is you want to begin to use this Mantra this is not entirely about me now for the next few days I want you to Simply begin to notice how many times you make something of about yourself if you begin to observe yourself you might be surprised at how often you personalize other people's behaviors so the Mantra this is not entirely about me is something you're going to use to create new neural Pathways of understanding that every interaction we have is not solely about us you're going to remind yourself in
8:26 those moments by saying those words other people's stress levels backgrounds and beliefs are always infused into their behavior and every time you use this Mantra you're going to be a little less reactive and a little less defensive by taking that pause to remind yourself that it might not be about you helping you stay a bit more calm and a bit more grounded now as you practice these steps I know that you will be able to stop taking things personally we really do have to teach ourselves how to do this to break that old habit because for a lot of us it doesn't come naturally we immediately personalize everything but
9:14 all of us can begin this work and we can end up feeling so much more confident and so much less triggered on a daily basis I'd love to hear from you listening what was the most helpful aspect of this video leave it in the comments below
