Family Curses, Patterns, and Struggles | Pastor Ethan Boggs | Vibrant Church

0:00 And I want to tackle the conversation of what maybe some would call family curses or family patterns or generational struggles. And what does the word of God say about this? And what are we supposed to do in light of what we know? I guess a good place to start would be to share this survey that I had a hard time believing was true, but I want to give it to you. In 2021, they found that the average person starts turning their parents' age or starts turning into their parents at the age of 43. Any 43 year olds in the room, come on,

0:46 raise your hands. It's okay. It's all right. We got one guy turning into his dad. That's great. Here, here are the common signs. Uh comp this is true. complaining about the weather. Is it true, sir? Going to bed earlier, watching the news instead of entertainment, shopping for comfort instead of style, telling people to turn off the lights. And this is true. I'm not making any of this up. Uh be and becoming obsessed with the thermostat. It's early onset turning into your parents. An interesting quote by a man is is

1:34 this. The most significant thing about any household is what is considered normal. It's considered normal. And you don't really bump into this concept until you find yourself maybe when you get married and you realize that he or she has a different set of normals than you have. You know, some families uh are are loud by nature. Some families are uh more vocal. Some families are more quiet. Some families uh may be more physical. They may touch and hug and and and be very uh they communicate love that way. Others are not. Some may be very verbal in saying words like, "I love you. I appreciate you." Other families, you

2:19 just won't really hear words like that. Uh, some families apologize. Some families don't. There are some families that will go on for years and pretend nothing ever happened. There may be families that are big savers, some that are big spenders. But what we see is that studies show and the Bible reveals that our family of origin impacts who we are whether we like it or we don't. So studies use this term generational transmission. The passing of beliefs, behaviors, values, wounds, and patterns from one generation to the next. An interesting

3:06 study I I came across was uh this interesting I I never heard this before, but it's just a reminder that how our an our family influences us maybe more than we realize really early on. They did a study on little children at just 18 months old can determine the mother's values based on what the mother just looks at. It's called joint visual orientation. It's when the mother looks at something and the baby takes that as a signal that the mother desires that object. Does that make sense? My kids know that their mother wants their daddy.

3:52 How else do you explain the predicament we're currently in? So, you may be wondering, why does this matter? Why is this important? Here's why I think this is important. Many of us love Jesus, but can be frustrated with our propensities towards certain things that perhaps, and I'm going to show you through the word of God, can be a result of family patterns. Now, I want you to stay with me all the way to the end of this sermon. This is very important. Peter Scazero says it like this. Jesus lives in your heart, but grandpa lives in your bones.

4:38 >> So today, as we continue this series, we're going to look at the life of Abraham again. Let's go there. Genesis chapter number 12. I'm reading from the uh New International Version. It's just the readability is is good for this long of reading. Verse number 10. Now, there was a famine in the land, and Abram, who's going to be called Abraham later, went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. And as he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, who's going to be Sarah later, I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, this is his wife. Then they will kill me, but will let you live. Verse 13, say you are my sister so

5:23 that I will be treated well for your sake and my family will be spared because of you. When Abram and uh came to Egypt and the Egyptians saw that Sarah was a very goodlook, fine 65year-old woman. I mean, she had to have some game, y'all. Verse 15. When Pharaoh Pharaoh's officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh and and and she was taken into his palace. Verse 16. And he treated Abram well for her sake. And Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female, donkeys, male and uh female servants and camels. This is a very strange portion of scripture that we have the father of

6:09 faith who is known for honoring God, trusting God, having faith like no one else in the scripture. Having faith we spoke about last week like he never seen before. He would didn't have a prototype. He didn't have a father that exemplified steps of honoring God and having faith. So Abraham shows that he's trusting God and having faith. And then we find Abraham is lying. He's lying, fabricating information. And and here's the here's the crazy part. This isn't the only time he does it. Let me take you to chapter 20, eight chapters later. Look at verse number one. Now Abraham moved on from there to the region of

6:54 Ngev and lived between Kadesh and Shure. For a while he stayed in Guerrar. This is interesting. In verse two, and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, she is my sister. What? This is a weird lie. Number one, but number two, it's not now, it's no longer just a one occurrence in his life. It's now developing into a pattern in the life of Abraham. And this is where the story gets interesting. We're going to just move through Genesis a little further. Let me take you to chapter 26. Abraham has a son named Isaac who is now grown and married. Look at verse number one. Now there was a famine in the land

7:40 besides the previous famine in Abraham's time. And Isaac went to Aimilec, king of the Philistines in Guerrar. Verse number seven. When the men saw when the men of that place asked him about his wife, he said, "She is my sister." Because he was afraid to say, "She is my wife." He thought the men of this place might kill me on account of Rebecca because she is so fine. Notice it's the exact same lie that his father told. Are you seeing this now developing into a family pattern? I

8:26 can't prove it, but maybe Isaac could see that his father got away with that pattern of lying and it becomes normalized among the family. And then Isaac begins to distribute lies himself just like his dei as you would say. Now, let's go to chapter 25. When the time, now this is talking about Isaac's kids. Watch this. When the time came for uh her to give birth, speaking of Isaac's wife, there were twin boys in her womb. Verse 25, the first to come out was red and his whole body was a hairy was like a hairy garment. So, they named him Esau. I don't want to pause

9:13 here. This is not my sermon, but if you're anything like me and you read that, you're like, why did that have to be put in the Bible, I mean, the kid probably got made fun of on the little league team and right before he gets a little older, the Bible's like, you know what? We're going to make sure everybody knows that he's a hairy little redheaded kid for the rest of his entire life, for generations to come, for thousands of years in Columbus, Mississippi. They'll speak of your hairy little self. Verse 26. After this, his brother came out with his hand grasping Esau's heel. So, he was named Jacob. And Isaac was 60 years old when Rebecca gave birth to them. The name Jacob, if you were to study it, means

9:59 deceiver. All right, if you've been with me, I think you're still here. Let me just recap. Abraham begins to lie. He then creates a pattern of lying. And then you see that Isaac then continues that pattern. And now Isaac has a son named Jacob who is called deceiver. And if you were to just take time and survey the life of Jacob, you're going to see over and over and over again the complications that surround Jacob because of his deceptive nature. He lies to his dad, lies to his brother, his father-in-law lies to him over and over

10:44 and over. Jacob has problems because Jacob is lying. Are you still with me? >> And I want you to notice this. Each generation not only has a pattern of deception, it's repeating and intensifying. So, not only it started small with Abraham, not only did it just begin as some, but now as time has gone on, you see that Jacob has taken this this nature to the extreme and his life is marked majorly by deception. Do you see the pattern everybody? Now let me take you just one more generation in. Let's go to chapter 37. This is the story of now Jacob's boys. He has 12 boys. He has one named

11:30 Joseph. And the 12 sons become his brothers become jealous of him. Verse 28. So when the Midianite merchants came by his uh brothers pulled Joseph out of a sister and sold him in for 20 shekels of silver to the Ishraelites who took him to Egypt. Verse 31. Then they got Joseph's robe, slaughtered a goat, dipped uh the robe in blood. Verse 32, they took the ornate robe back to their father and said, "We found this. Examine it to see whether it's your son's robe." He recognized it and said, "It's my son's robe. Some ferocious animal has devoured him. J Joseph was surely has been torn to pieces." Okay, Joseph isn't dead. Joseph is alive.

12:16 But the pervasiveness of deception has increased so severely that now it started with Abraham, moves down to Isaac, gets down to Jacob, and now all of Jacob's sons are lying. Are you seeing this? So it starts small. It intensifies as the generation goes. And I want you to see this one more time. I mentioned this last week. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph's brothers. How many generations? >> Four generations. Let me show you this. Exodus chapter 20. The Bible lets us know of a spiritual principle. You shall not bow down to them. God says to Moses in regards to facilitating the nation of Israel, becoming a nation, speaking of

13:01 false gods. You shall not worship them. For I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sins of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me. Look at this. Four generations. And I want you to think about this. Thousands of years before studies and science and smart people came up with the term generational transmission, the Bible already proved it in scripture >> that it was already a real thing that family patterns can be so deep in the bones of people. And I said this to you last week. Verse six actually says that he shows his love a thousand generations to those who keep my commandments. I just want to say this and move on. And I said it last week and I'll say it again.

13:47 It's interesting how the burden of sin can only go four generations, but the blessing of God can go a thousand generations. >> So that's really the opening thought I want to give you today. But and we're not going to spend much more time. I mean, I'm almost done. I mean, look how fast we're going. Praise the Lord. You're going to get to me Toro today. Hallelujah. The patterns you refuse to confront may become the battles your children inherit. This is what we see in the life of Abraham. This is what we experience. We survey the scriptures. We see that this spirit of deception runs through the family. You know what's crazy? It ain't just lying that runs through the family. Favoritism runs through the family. >> So Abraham has favoritism over one kid.

14:34 Isaac has favoritism over another. Jacob has a favoritism of another and it just causes dysfunction throughout the entire family line. So you may be feeling like my gosh, Pastor Ethan, let us up for error. Like we we get it. These struggles that that maybe we've experienced in life, we're frustrated with is how much of this is is from family, how much of this is the devil. To be honest with you, I can't answer that. But I will say this that what I want to share with you the next few moments are very simple points I want to give you in resisting family patterns that come down to us. Okay everybody, are you with me? >> Here's what we got. Number one, I want to encourage you. We have to look back to move forward. Have to look back to

15:21 move forward. Now a lot of Christians could say, "Pastor Ethan, I don't believe we need to look into the past." And I believe that. I totally understand what you're saying. But it's important that we look back at it and not deny it. But we also can't live in it. So it's important for us as Christians if maybe we need to sit down with a pastor, sit down with a trusted friend, sit down with a maybe a professional counselor and have some conversations of looking into your family, your history, the situations you experience. Just because it's under the blood doesn't mean it didn't leave a wound. >> I've met a lot of Christians who have

16:06 prayed the prayer of faith and are expecting everything in their life to be better because they're Christians when in reality we're still people in a broken nature in a broken world in a broken system. And what I want you to understand is that we look back and we ask God for healing and we ask God for his touch and we ask God to show us what needs to be healed. Well, this is not a place for Facebook, by the way. >> I hate Facebook. This is not a place for social media. This is not a pl This is a place for trusted people and the Holy Spirit of God to work in your heart and come to the realization that sometimes in order for me to go forward, I just need to take some time and look backwards. >> I'm trying to help you today. I know some people just want me to open the altars and lay hands on them and be set

16:52 free. But I want you to understand, I believe God can set us free. But do not misunderstand me. We still got some work to do. >> Let me show you this one. Number two, receive grace for your family. Okay? So, when we hear all of what I'm talking about, you can become frustrated with your family experience and you can start saying things like, "How could they? Why didn't they? Where were they?" We could have outrage and anger at the people who raised us. And I think it's important that we all come to the understanding that there is no perfect family. >> And because of sin, everybody deals with brokenness. For many of you, now I can't speak. This

17:39 is a generalized statement. For many of you, your parents did the best they could with what they had. But I think it's important for you to understand sometimes what we're experiencing in life, the pain that we feel, the brokenness that we feel, we may just need to realize maybe the reason I experience that brokenness from them is because they were broken too. >> And you don't know what they experienced as a child. And you don't know what they went through as a as in their younger years. You don't know what kind of parenting or raising that they had. And it's easy to get angry when I would encourage all of us to open our eyes and our mind to have some grace for the people around us and the people who

18:24 influence our upbringing. Let me show you this verse. Colossians chapter 3:13. Make allowance for each other's faults. That's not a you don't I never hear people quote that's definitely not crocheted on your grandmother's pillow right there. And forgive anyone who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you and you must forgive others. Here's what I'm trying to say. I'm not encouraging you to ignore it or to deny it. What I am asking you is to lean in with an understanding heart of the brokenness of others and not let your pain define your life and love people like the way you would want to be loved and have understanding

19:10 that they're broken too. and the church said, >> "Amen." >> Now, this is probably the next point or this next point is probably my favorite point I want to give you. After hearing everything we just said, I think we need to talk about number three. You need to own your part. >> So, our family affects us. Those things do happen. Abraham did lie. Isaac did lie. Jacob did become a deceiver. All of Jacob's boys were whacked out lying like crazy. But each generation had a choice.

19:56 >> And you can become so obsessed with what you have inherited that it could rob you of the power of your ability, you think anyway, to choose. We can become so obsessed with what our problem is that we feel like we have no strength to choose against it. And I just want you to understand something. Just because it's in your family does not make you defenseless against it. >> Say amen, somebody. >> Now, you need to understand that when you came to Jesus, the Bible says that we become a new creature in Christ. All things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new. Now, I want you

20:41 to understand this. You're a spirit, soul, body. When you gave your life to Christ, it wasn't your body that changed. It wasn't your mind that changed. It was your spirit that changed. So, your spirit's new. Your spirit is renewed. Your inner man and inner woman is brand new. But your mind is still a work in progress. >> Let me show it to you. Romans 12:2, do not conform to the pattern. Everybody say pattern. >> So this this pattern thing of the world be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Notice he says don't be he didn't say be transformed by the renewing of your spirit. He says you're already new in your spirit, but what's going to

21:26 change you is if you can get what God has done on the inside of you into your mind. So, when you turn through the pages of scripture and you're reading through the word of God, you're going to see scriptures that talk about how you're salt and your light, you're going to see scriptures that encourage you to have kingdom thinking. You're going to see scriptures that encourage you and inform all of us that we are that we're ambassadors for Christ. We're citizens of heaven. That we are kings and priests. What is the word of God trying to teach us? It's trying to teach us that we are not of this world. that. So we can't have continually we cannot insist on continually thinking with certain patterns. And so what happens is when we get saved, there's a lot of people frustrated because they love the

22:13 Lord with all their heart, but their head is still a wreck. >> Y'all ain't with me today. >> Are you here? that people love the Lord with all their heart and there's so much dysfunction in their family and they can't figure out why it's not changing. Why is the family tree not changing? Why are the behaviors not changing? I'm so sincere. I'm praying big prayers. I'm believing God and I am not discrediting that by any stretch of the imagination. But I'm telling you today, if you don't change the way you think, you are destined to perpetuate dysfunction no matter how much you pray. I'm plowing a little bit. I feel your resistance. But are you with me?

22:58 >> It is so vital that we understand that though we're new in Christ, he's elevating with his spirit. He's trying to elevate our thinking into who we are now. We need to start acting like King's kids. We need to start talking like King's kids. We need to start seeing our identity grounded in who he called us to be, not the family patterns that we inherit. >> Is this making sense? >> So you can be saved and still be dysfunctional. A >> and you can be you can be not saved and be not and not be dysfunctional because it's important we get our head right. Everybody say, "I get I got to get my head right. I got to get my head right." You got to own your part. Begin to renew

23:46 your mind with his word and begin to identify yourself. Who I am now that I'm in Christ. And when you start making those kind of steps, it will change your thinking. And guess what? It changes your behavior. And when you change your behavior, you can change your family. >> Got to own your part. >> Own your growth. Do your thing. Quit pointing at your grandpa. He's dead. >> Quit pointing in the past. It's over. >> Quit pointing at your family line. Quit blaming everything. Quit having excuses. Get up. Start charging. Start thinking. Start renewing your mind. Be a child of the most high God. See yourself who he created you to be. You're not A VICTIM.

24:32 HEAR ME. Somebody say amen. You're not a victim. You are a victor. For he causes us to triumph. Bible lets us know overwhelmingly he causes us to triumph. Your victory is not even close. The Bible says, but you would think the way we act, we all believe, you know, one day in the sweet by and by. We're going to have some victory. Oh, but it's going to be close. It's like right at the end of time, the Christians are going to kick a field goal and beat the devil right at the end. No, you need to hear me today. When Jesus went to Calvary and that blood fell, I want you to know victory is assured in our lives. We are new people. Let's act like it. And then I would say this. Number four,

25:17 start a new pattern. >> It's simple, but if somebody started a bad one, you can start a good one. >> If somebody was always that way, you can start a different way in your family. Whether that's prayer, forgiveness, church attendance, generosity, whatever that is. I need you to hear me. If somebody started a bad one, you can start a good one. >> And the enemy that came against your family, the enemy that's tried to work in you and try to work against you, I just want you to know his love lasts a thousand generations. >> Let me give this to you. This is a little bit of a diversion maybe off the text, but if you'll give me some privilege for a

26:03 moment, I want to take you this one passage. This is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. Joshua is about to end his his ministry, his time as the leader of the nation of Israel. And he stands in front of everybody and he says these words, Joshua 24:15. Watch this. But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, he's letting he's he's dropping. This is his last sermon. Then choose for yourself this day whom you will serve, whether the gods of your ancestors that they served beyond the Euphrates or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you were living. But as for me, as for me and my household, I say that verse a lot because I believe that verse. As for me and my household, we

26:51 will serve the Lord. Here's what Joshua was saying. You can either continue the patterns of your ancestors or you can start a new pattern and say today we will serve the Lord. What he's acknowledging family patterns are real and family patterns can change. >> So your ancestors could have done this and it could have been like this and everybody just drinks in my family and everybody lies in my family and everybody talks like this in my family. Everybody gets divorced in my family. Everybody runs on women all the time in my family. Everybody cheats on the men in my family. Everybody spends on No, no, no, no, no, no, no. When you bow your knee to Christ, you have made up in your mind. As for me and my house, I would encourage you to actively resist anything that tries TO DEFINE YOU BY WHO

27:38 YOUR FAMILY USED to be. Start speaking the word of God into that thing. When temptation comes that you've seen in your family, maybe it is drinking, for example. You've seen drinking in your family and you just feel drawn to that because you saw that. That's how you saw all the men talk out in the yard. That's how you saw everybody do after work. That's what you saw. So it's impressed. It wants to be expressed. So you got it in you and you want to let But you know in your family once it gets in you, it controls you. >> And so you know deep in your heart. And I would encourage you to say resist the devil and he will flee from me. I'm starting a new pattern in the name of Jesus. I am not defined by what's come to me. I'm defined by what he's doing in me.

28:24 >> In closing, I'll tell you this story. A woman named Susanna Wesley, she was born in London in the year 1669. She was the youngest of 25 children. My God. As a teenager, she married a man named Samuel Wesley who was a pastor. and they lived together and it was obviously in early times and heartaches and difficulties in life. Susanna gave birth herself uh to 19 children, family patterns. Nine of those children died in infasy.

29:09 Her husband battled depression, was notoriously bad with money, plunging their family into enormous debt. When Susanna's father died, he left all of the inheritance to every child but her. Her home burned down twice. Her family experienced neglect when her husband would leave for months at a time. overwhelmed by these challenges. No doubt struggling with bitterness and anger when all her sisters and brothers are in receiving an inheritance and she's not. No doubt she's frustrated as a pastor's wife seeing that her husband just abandons her, losing their home, losing nine children.

29:58 Imagine what she could have perpetuated to her children, her grandchildren. And in fact, I don't think many of us would even blame her if she was to be bitter and mean and hurt, sad and negative. But Susanna Wesley took it upon herself to not pass down what was passed to her. She ended up writing, "Help me, oh Lord, to make a true use of all disappointments and calamities in this life in such a way that they may unite my heart more closely to thee."

30:46 She ends up becoming very intentional with her kids and two of her children, John and Charles Wesley, become really um the beginning influences of one of the greatest moves of God the earth in modern times has ever known. She's called the mother of Methodistism and and and she is marked by her children as being someone who took time with God, who influenced them to love the Lord, to read the scriptures. In fact, every day because she had 19 kids or been 10 kids, she couldn't get away. And so she when she would pray in the house, she would take her apron, put it over her head. That was her private time

31:31 with God. She wanted to spend time with God and she impacted the next generation and there changed literally the landscape of the world with that movement. And I want you to know something. What if she insisted on passing her anger, her frustration, her negativity, her her her bitterness? She could have passed that down very easily. but in with intentionality said, "You know what? I'm not going to give to my kids what's been given to me and I'm making a decision to not let the family drama continue.

32:16 I'm starting a new pattern." Here's what I want to do. If you're in the room today and and just in this moment, I want to ask you if you're here today and this morning I woke up. I didn't plan on doing this, but I want to pray with some people and and I'm not going to make you come down, but if you're here today and you were honest before God saying, you know what, I have seen some patterns and I have felt some patterns that I believe have hurt me in a negative way. Okay, they've left some things on my life that I'm still working through. If that's you, I want you to raise your hand. Thank you. Look, look at that. Look at that. Okay. Thank you.

33:02 Can you see how real this is, everybody? >> Like, it's not just as simple as we wish it was. Now, here's a question I have for everybody in the room. One last question that if you're in the room and you want to have no matter what has come to you, you want to produce godly patterns for your family. You don't want to be the one that produces deception. You don't want to be the one that gives off lies. You don't want to be the one that passes down dysfunction and and anger and and throwing things and and and you don't want all that. I know you love God. Listen, your heart I know you love him in your heart, but you got to get your mind right. And if you're here today, you say, "I want to pass down good patterns this from here on out." You may not have kids yet. You may not be married yet, but you're included in

33:48 this. If you feel if that's you, I want you to stand right where you are, and I want to pray with you. Go ahead. Come on. Now, I want you to listen. I'm going to ask no one to move out of the sanctuary for a few moments. I know at this time people want to go, but we are we're good. We're ahead of time. The devil's a liar. Some of you can't help but hear certain things in your mind because you feel like

34:36 you're powerless against some of the things you've experienced. And I know this ain't everybody in here, but there are people in here that have been molested, that have been sexually assaulted, who have been abused, people who have walked through pain of the loss of a father. I've talked to people in this room that at 8 years old experienced things that nobody should experience. There's people in here that they've lost parents young or addiction runs in the family, just pain. And I want to pray with you today that you could be the one that says, you know what, change is here. >> Change is here. It may be bumpy. It may not always be easy, but it ain't always got to be like this.

35:21 I had a man in the church and I I won't embarrass him, but he came to me and um wrote a check to the church just this week and you wouldn't know it about the guy cuz he's and I didn't ask permission to share this so I may be going a little out but you wouldn't know it about the guy kind of a gruff guy kind of an old dude and just kind of a bluecollar guy came in met with me this week and brought a little check with him. He says, "Pastor, I as a child, I saw my dad do things and I saw him drunk and I had to saw him be rough with my mom. I saw all this stuff and he goes, "I didn't have a lot." He goes, "I was one of those kids that got made fun of him because I didn't have

36:07 things and didn't have opportunities and didn't have things that other people may have." And and he told me, he says, "I don't I don't want anybody to experience that. I've been I've experienced pain." And he said he had to physically fight his father at one point, take his father to the ground. Can you imagine that? And he gave me a check and he said, "Pastor, I just want to take care of kids in our church." He wrote a check for $20,000 just to help the kids ministry, just to help children. I I But what was he saying? He was using his pain as his power. And he was saying, "I've been through some stuff, but by any help of God, I'm going to make sure

36:52 someone else doesn't have this. This doesn't this pattern stops. Anything in my power, I want to make sure that this is not going to go forward." So, if you will put your hands like this in a way to just receive God's blessing today, spirit of the living God in this room right now, there are hurting men and women, some that may not fully see the extent of some things they've experienced at this age, and maybe years to come they'll see more. But father I pray in the name of Jesus. Empower them. >> Holy Spirit, walk with them

37:38 to set a new pattern. >> Empower fathers and mothers to stand strong in the name of Jesus and to raise their children in the way that they should go. And when those children are older, they won't depart from. Father, we plead the blood over these people today that they'll begin to renew their mind by your word and your spirit. And today things can begin a path to being different. And devil, I've come to tell you today, you are a liar. You are defeated. The blood is against you. And anything you've tried to do to harm these people in a way that takes them out, to discourage their faith, to pull them down, in the name of Jesus, we remind you that you are defeated. We rebuke

38:25 you. Get your hands off of them. Fear and discouragement and anger and depression, you must go. That spirit of depression, go. Spirit of depression, go. Spirit of depression, go. There's a heaviness of depression on somebody. I pray in Jesus' name. By the power of God, we speak against that heaviness, that cloud that's over you and your family. We speak against that thing. Let it be broken now in the name of Jesus. Joy unspeakable and full of glory. Let light shine in the darkness. God, let life come in a dead place in Jesus name. In Jesus name. In Jesus name.