Full transcript of “How to recognize a master manipulator | Dan Jones | TEDxReno”. Click a timestamp to open the video at that moment. Need another video? Use the YouTube transcript generator.
0:03 [Music] [Music] have you ever known someone that seemed totally genuine your conversations were engaging and you agreed on so much but then it happened while claiming to have your back they violated your trust and you learned that much of your relationship was a lie making matters worse maybe even blamed yourself wondering what you did wrong now if this sounds familiar then
0:50 you and I have something in common we've both been manipulated and I bet those who don't think they've been manipulated probably don't realize it yet in fact as we speak it is likely that someone somewhere is planning to manipulate you and because it happens to everyone it's not only more common than we think but it shows how little we know about how to prepare ourselves for it as a professor who's studied manipulation for more than two decades I think we need to fix that it's unacceptable to me that the science of manipulation has done little to help those being manipulated we have failed you as a science so I want to talk about how to recognize different types of manipulative people and what to do when you find yourself
1:36 face Toof face with them we can learn to turn the tables on these manipulative types by using their strategic thinking against them with romance schemes catfishing investment fraud and workplace manipulation all around us the study of manipulation has never been more important but the study of manipulative people has a fragmented history there were forensic researchers studying psychopathy there were clinical researchers studying narcissism and there were behavioral researchers studying machanism now you've probably heard the term psychopath or sociopath you've almost certainly heard the term narcissist before maybe even used it to describe an
2:22 X but many don't know what we mean by melanism the masters of manipulation and you know lot of people don't even pronounce it right Nicolo mlli was a political adviser who advocated for ruthless and duplicitous tactics and those who agreed with maii's philosophy tended to be manipulative in their personal lives melanism represents a cautious and rational way of gaining power they manipulate but they do so strategically which makes them exceptionally dangerous and they're no warnings are obvious signs individuals high in melanism seek power any way they can get it and they're in it for the long
3:09 run when referring to all three traits psychopathy narcissism and melanism researchers simply call them the dark Triad in 2002 my mentor D paus and his student Kevin Williams wanted to draw researchers attention to the fact that we were studying these traits and isolation and the three literatures needed to merge by the time that 2022 ended the original dark Triad paper had been cited over 6,000 times and its presence has forever changed the conversation on manipulation but despite more than 20 years of rapid growth I was sad on its 20th anniversary sad because after all the time knowing the harm they cause virtually no
3:56 research have been done on how to protect us from them many people consider psychopathy to be the most dangerous of the dark Triad traits I disagree perhaps in a dark alley or in a moment one-on-one that may be true but Psychopaths lacked a strategic planning necessary to maintain power for any length of time so while a narcissist will charm you and a psychopath will mug you a Macallan will invade you and there they're not doing it to look good so they won't stumble on their egos they're not doing it for Thrills so they won't act on impulse a well-prepared mellan is like the lion you don't see and they've been planning
4:43 their attack longer than you realize now I've been studying all three dark Triad traits for most of my career but I've spent most of my time studing machanism now I say trait because it's important to understand these people will not change to date there are no effective interventions getting these people to care about others making matters worse melanism is a sneaky trait in every respect possible yes they're sneaky in how they deal with people but they're also sneaky in that they predict harm less consistently than psychopathy in fact virtually any harmful outcome predicted by melanism is likely to be predicted even more eagerly by a psychopath
5:30 so some have called into question whether we need to study machanism or will it forever play second fiddle to the better predictor of psychopathy well through series of experiments my colleagues and I have shown it is when macallans act not what they'll do that differentiates them from psychopathy psychopaths are impulsive and driven by immediate gratification they simply act and do not think twice about it narcissists are driven by their egos and whether it's a good idea or not they'll claim a sense of superiority to the death but individuals high in machanism weigh the pros and cons of a given action and take the path that benefits them the most so if melanism consists of all the Strategic
6:17 manipulation is there an upside to the trait because they do adapt well to their environment as it turns out yes my colleagues and I have been studying how individuals high in melanism deal with it when they personally have a leader or a coworker who is manipulative and when we studied which of the dark trial traits did best under this destructive leadership it was indeed machanism under destructive leaders individuals high in machanism were actually had better mental health outcomes and were promoted at a higher rate than all the other types of people so I have begun reexamining the MCU valan character trying to determine if we can harness the non-toxic elements of this trait to help otherwise good-hearted people when
7:04 they must face manipulation and in a way what I propose is nothing new The Art of War and 48 Laws to power and many books like those Advocate turning to deceptive strategies to fight the good fight but as they say the devil's in the details and while it is important to learn how to defend ourselves the best way possible it is equally important to to learn how to do this without slipping into becoming manipulative ourselves for example individuals high in machanism are emotionally guarded and treat people based on their utility they think rationally about their payouts and focus on their bottom line so can we apply this to toxic
7:50 others let's say you have a manipulative boss but you're stuck you can't leave and you can't avoid interpersonal contact I'm training people to think okay this is a chess match they have a lot of utility for me financially but are harmful emotionally I'm going to focus on external gains here and plan my next move I will be responsive not reactive because if I'm reactive emotionally or otherwise and I'm playing right into their game and that's a place I do not want to be in fact if the best way to breathe for a ding person is CPR then the best way to breathe in a toxic relationship is
8:35 [Music] CBR that stands for cold bottom line rational let's start with cold that means emotionally guarded their biggest weapon is your emotions and they'll try to tap them using things like guilt or Charm so don't give them access treat the person like a paycheck not a pal my friend once dealt with an abusive supervisor by imagining money pouring into his bank account every moment he was with that supervisor another friend told me she imagined her boss was literally a walking checkbook okay next bottom line decide what your bottom line is and pursue it
9:22 are you there to support your family then remind yourself of this bottom line every chance you get and and craft your responses in a way that maximizes the outcome for your family and don't fight emotional battles win the financial war finally rational make those battles about outcomes not appearances no manipulative person has ever fallen to their knees and confessed you're right it's all true I'm a horrible person so keep realistic goals in mind a battle over what you see as a matter of principle will get you nowhere because they have no principles now I want to caution everyone that this tactic has no place
10:07 in healthy relationships and healthy relationships are the goal mutual respect and empathy are where we want to be in all our social interactions but some simply don't play by these rules and you will encounter one or more of a dark tried person at some point in your life so these tactics are only reserved for when you're dealing with a manipul person and as a last resort if a leader or coworker is being manipulative at work then report them to human resources and leave if you can but if you are stuck training you to think like a Machiavellian and breathe using the CBR method might be a reasonable solution to get through it
10:53 until you can get away now I'm hoping that we understand a little bit more about the ma EV character along with the other dark Triad traits we're at least prepared and aware of what we may face and by studying macu valanis more deeply we can recognize strategic manipulation when it occurs even better maybe we can manipulate the manipulator and give them a taste of their own medicine by using strategic behavior that harnesses cold bottom line and rational thinking when it is necess Neary so now we've all taken our first steps towards dealing with manipulation although I can't promise you'll handle every situation
11:39 perfectly at least at least you're prepared to recognize manipulation when it occurs and have some tools that will help you deal with it and it's my hope that in the next 20 years of dark Triad research we won't just be talking about these traits but how to deal with them in real IC ways that way when you find yourself face to face with a manipulator you can breathe using the CBR method to get through it until you can get away and what we share won't be the manipulation it'll be the knowledge of how to handle it thank you [Music]
