Mindset Reset: Take Control of Your Mental Habits | The Mel Robbins Podcast

0:00 foreign topic we are talking about mindset your mind is either working for you or against you that's what it's doing so whether you're listening to this episode because you struggle right now with overthinking or feeling unworthy or maybe you have a really positive outlook but you just want to level up you want to play a bigger game that's where I am right now so today you and I are going to get serious about making your mind work for you hey it's your friend Mel and welcome to a mind bending and really cool episode

0:46 of the Mel Robbins podcast okay I wanted to just start today by saying thank you thank you thank you thank you to you I often say that the Mel Robbins podcast is not my podcast it's our podcast because this is a conversation between you and me and I wanted to start off by saying thank you because about 90 seconds ago I got word that you have voted the Mel Robbins podcast as the most inspirational podcast of 2022. and we have won the listeners Choice Award for the most inspiring podcast of 2022. that is a huge deal because we just launched two and a half months ago

1:33 so from the bottom of my heart on behalf of my team I just wanted to thank you I want to thank you for showing up for listening for sharing these episodes with friends and family members for giving us feedback for asking questions for submitting topic ideas this podcast is changing people's lives and it is inspiring and empowering people around the world because of you so thank you and if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast and this amazing energizing group of people that listen to this podcast I want to say welcome I'm Mel Robbins I'm a New York Times best-selling author and I'm one of the most trusted experts in the world on Behavior change and motivation and today we got a crazy cool

2:19 topic we are talking about mindset and before we jump into the science and the cool tactics that you're going to be able to apply to your life to change your mindset I want to just remind you that this episode is part of a month-long series that we are doing here on the Mel Robbins podcast about the building blocks and the research that you need to know in order to create a better life here's the simple truth about your mindset your mind is either working for you or against you that's what it's doing and so by the end of today's episode there's going to be a couple things that go down first of all you are going to understand that you have the power to reprogram your mind that's right you can take simple steps

3:06 and you can practice them every day to train your mind to work for you and I'm also going to prove to you today using very simple science that your mind is trying to help you it doesn't know any better if it's working against you and when you can identify the way that you want to feel or what you want to do with your life you can change your mindset to help you and when you do that here's what's super cool it improves the day-to-day experience of your life and it changes what it's like to be in your head so whether you're listening to this episode because you struggle right now with overthinking or feeling unworthy or maybe you have a really positive outlook but you just want to level up you want to play a bigger game that's where I am

3:53 right now I am so ready to take a bigger swing to knock it out of the park this year and the mindset and creating a more powerful mindset that is a tool in Your Arsenal to help you achieve anything that you want so today you and I are going to get serious about making your mind work for you and I want to start us off with a question from a listener named Randy hi there Mel my name is Brandy how do I stop the spiral of negative thoughts and feelings I really want to reset and start embracing a happier life I just don't know where to start I hope you can help Brandi I am so happy that you asked this question because we have received thousands of versions of this

4:38 question and I'm also kind of thrilled I picked your question in particular because you use the word reset and today I am going to teach you how to give yourself a mindset reset and I'm going to explain what a mindset reset is the simple step the simple steps to doing it it's all going to make sense in a couple minutes but I want to give you a preview so that as we step into the process of giving yourself a reset mentally that you have a baseline understanding so here's a preview of what we're going to talk about okay you have a filter in your brain and I'm going to teach you using science and Neuroscience how to use this filter that's already in your brain to your advantage and everything that I'm going to teach you you can put to practice

5:24 immediately and what I love so much about this conversation that we're about to have is that you may even experience an immediate change the first time you try this little thing I'm going to teach you this is so cool because the moment you experience this small change in your mindset it will create momentum it creates excitement it creates possibility there's this opening of a whole new way of thinking but before we can get there I want to just start with the basics so that you feel really empowered around the topic of mindset and around reprogramming this filter in your brain so let's just start with a definition so we're all using the same terminology and let's define you and I what is a mindset

6:11 well your mindset is your beliefs and your opinions about the way that the world works that's the definition when you look it up however you know that I prefer metaphors Mel Robbins is dyslexic so she likes to be able to visualize something especially when we're talking about this intellectual stuff okay so the metaphor that I love when it comes to mindset and the sciency psychological neurological aspect of mindset and brain programming is I use the metaphor sunglasses I think about your mindset like a pair of sunglasses so stop and think right now about your favorite pair of sunglasses I have these sunglasses that I have had for almost 15 years I bought them because we were going on this rafting trip and I had

6:57 forgot to pack my sunglasses and so I bought the only cool pair of sunglasses that they had on that Turn Style thing on the counter they're like 15 bucks and they are these huge black bug-eyed glasses I feel like Jackie O when I wear them so think about your favorite pair of sunglasses for just a minute now I want you to think about the lens color and think about how when you put on that pair of sunglasses that lens on your favorite sunglasses it colors and filters what you see and it gives it a tent right I mean if you put on rose-colored sunglasses the world has a Rosy bright tint to it if you put on Amber sunglasses same thing gray same thing my big black bug eyed glasses that I just love I Feel So

7:43 Glamorous in these 15 plastic things everything looks crazy dark just really blocks everything out your mindset works the same way as a pair of sunglasses let's go back to the written definition of your mindset your mindset is made up of your beliefs and your opinions and just like the lens on a pair of sunglasses those beliefs and opinions that you have they create a mindset through which you filter the world and I'm going to give you a couple examples let's say you're a pessimistic person if that's your mindset if that's your outlook you will filter the world through pessimism just like a dark pair of sunglasses skews the outside world with this black and darker shade

8:30 and if you're not pessimistic let's just think about the most pessimistic person you know someone who is always negative they could be sitting on the beach in the Bahamas with a beautiful fabulous tropical drink in their hands sun is shining Crystal Clear ocean and they're annoyed because lunch hasn't come out yet you know that kind of person you've sat next to them at a wedding where the band is awesome the couple is so cute and happy families together and what is this person doing they're bitching about something some relative that's sitting all the way on the other side of the room all they notice is the one thing that's wrong or irritating them they don't even notice all of the amazing

9:16 things that are going on around them isn't it interesting when I describe this negative pessimistic person you know exactly who I'm talking about and you're probably thinking dear God do not sit them next to me at the next family wedding I do not want to hear this okay I do not like that kind of mindset or that mood I do not want dark colored glasses skewing the way that I enjoy this situation right now and here's the craziest thing about mindset you know that pessimistic person you and I were just thinking about they have no idea that they have their classes on this is just the way they see the world I'm going to give you another example of mindset and how important this is I want you to think about someone you work with or maybe you go to school with this

10:03 person who has a can-do attitude no matter how tight the deadline or how rude the customer is that you guys are waiting on or how much other team members are slacking off this one person with a can-do attitude they always see the bright side or they have this unbelievable ability to just shrug off the rudeness of other people or the laziness of the students that are on your group project and they literally can just flip it and turn to you and go huh well you know they probably have something going on in their personal life it's as if they always see any situation or any relationship from the positive they see possibility they give people the benefit of the doubt they assume good intent this too is a mindset

10:51 it's just like putting on a Rosy pair of sunglasses everything is sharper clearer brighter when you have this kind of mindset even a cloudy crappy day looks like a beautiful sunrise in fact there's a really cool study from the University of Toronto about rose-colored glasses this isn't just a saying when you wear rose-colored glasses your attitude is better and there's even more based on This research when you wear rose-colored glasses you even see more your visual Horizon is expanded because these rose-colored glasses put you in a good mood your mindset determines the way you view the world and that determines how you think so I want to do a gut check right now with you

11:37 if you had to tell the truth or actually let's make this really accurate if your best friend had to describe the color of the sunglasses that you wear would they say that you're more on the lane of the dark bug eyed plastic glasses that just skewed everything like it was midnight or are you more on the range of everything's Rosy you're always positive you are always upbeat you see beauty where most people see nothing do a quick gut check with yourself because your mindset is critical it shapes the way you view the world and that determines how and what you think

12:22 about it also determines how you feel about the present moment about your past and about the future and most importantly this is where it gets really important your mindset determines what actions you take and what actions you don't take and it also impacts how you see other people so for example if I asked you so what's your mom like before you even answer the question you subconsciously drop on sunglasses and it filters your opinion about her and by having a filter about another person it also limits what's possible for her you think she just is that way

13:08 which means there's no room for her to change so why is mindset and getting intentional about changing your mindset why is this so important why do you need to know what color the lenses that you view the world through and more importantly why it's time to pop those lenses out if they don't serve you and put in different lenses so that you can see things differently I'll tell you why your mindset is so important because so much of your potential is either limited or expanded by your mindset I prove to you almost every single episode on the Mel Robbins podcast that with the right attitude and consistent action you can absolutely change anything about your life or your

13:54 health or your relationships for the better and if you're walking around right now with a really negative mindset you've got those dark bug-eyed glasses on and you're sitting there every single day telling yourself day in and day out that there is nothing that you can do about this situation this job this relationship this health condition that you've tried that you've failed that you don't deserve it that you don't know how I want you to consider that your own mindset is keeping you stuck in that broken situation because your mindset is not inspiring you to do anything about it being able to spot those dark lenses pop them out put in something brighter Rosy or more luminous it's going to change

14:39 everything and here's why when you feel more hopeful or when you see options and you start to tell yourself well why not why don't I just try it what if it works out why don't I just see what happens I do deserve to be happier I don't deserve to be treated like this I should start speaking up that Rosier mindset it inspires you to take the actions that change your life and it's the actions that matter this is why I love this topic about mindset and what you're about to learn about the filter in your brain so much because right now there are areas in your life where your own mindset is blocking you from taking action and before we jump into the filter in your brain and changing your mindset I

15:24 want to be very clear about something this conversation today it's not about positive thinking you and I are talking about training your mind to work for you that's very different this is not toxic positivity I'm not asking you to put a positive spin on a shitty situation I'm also very clear that thinking nice thoughts it's not going to get your bills paid however if you can get serious and intentional and strategic about training your mind to have a Rosier and more optimistic and empowered attitude you my friend will be able to say to yourself I can do this you will be able to say you know what I know my student debt is piled from the

16:09 floor to the ceiling and I have not opened those bills in approximately 10 months but I believe in my ability to figure out how to pay this off if you can that is an example of how you go from I'm [ __ ] to I can figure this out when you take off the dark glasses you know what you'll see you'll see you're not stuck in the job you're not stuck in the relationship you're not stuck with the unhealthy habits that you have if you're the kind of person that constantly shrugs your shoulders and is like well it is what it is got this college debt is what it is I always date these losers it is what it is my grandfather was Heavy my mother was Heavy I guess I'll just be heavy and feel really bad but no no you can look

16:55 at something differently and when you look at it differently you see different options and I also want to say one more thing before we jump into the filter in your brain and its connection to your mindset there are things in life that you are not going to change or at least you're not going to change them overnight for example you and I cannot change that there is discrimination in this world there is bias and there is violence that a lot of people experience we cannot change the fact that poverty and mental health issues impact people for real but here's what you can do you can train yourself to look at the future and decide how you're going to

17:43 react to and respond to this the things that you're facing in your life you can decide how you're going to heal and what you're going to do about those things for yourself and your community and one final thing we have a huge Global audience here at the Mel Robbins podcast and I want you to know if you're listening in another country that I am reading all of the questions that you're submitting through the DMS and through the forms at melrobbins.com and I see so many of you writing about your desire to create a better life and the fact that it's hard because you're living in Iran or your country is under siege like Ukraine and I'm going to tell you something a positive mindset is not going to change the reality of what is going on around you here's what it does and this is why it's important

18:30 it empowers you to face it to deal with it and to survive it that's what a mindset does and that's why it's important to get serious about training your mind to work for you and this connection between mindset and action this is so important that I want to give you one more example about how your mindset either inspires action or it discourages it so let's just say that you are in a job and you hate it you feel stuck you feel like you're kind of dead inside

19:15 you're not excited about anything it's day in day out the same thing or if you're not working right now and let's say you've taken time off to raise your kids and you're sitting there going I want to get back in the workforce but I don't have any skills and I've got a 20-year hold in my resume if your mindset is like those dark bug-eyed sunglasses that just muddy everything that you see this is what you're telling yourself nobody's going to hire me I don't have any experience I don't even know how to write a resume how the hell am I going to get into interior design when I went to college for accounting and I work in a big accounting firm and I don't even know how to begin doing this I can't make this happen if that is the way that you look at the future if that's your mindset if you

20:01 color what's possible through that dark lens if you keep telling yourself those things you will see a world where you can't change so are you going to feel inspired to work on your resume of course not are you going to feel empowered to start googling and and researching and figuring out how to go from an accounting job into interior design no because your mindset has stopped you before you even started and that's why it's critical for you to realize this is not just a conversation about your thoughts at the end of the day if you don't have a positive mindset you and I can talk about actions and habits all day long till we're blue in the face but you won't do [ __ ] about it I gotta get

20:46 you to have the kind of mindset that also says hey it's worth it hey I can do something about this because if I can get you to be more optimistic if I can get you to take the dark lens off and put on a lighter one if I can get you to start believing it is worth it for you to apply it is worth it for you to put your dating app back up yeah it is worth it for you to pick up the pen and start working on that book you've always wanted to write hell yes it's worth it for you to take 10 minutes today and lay down on the floor and do those stretching exercises that the doctor told you should do because you threw your back out instead of sitting on the couch and bitching about it of course course it's worth it if I can get you to start to flip from ugh easy for you to say Mel works out for you doesn't work out for me it's not going to help I've had anxiety for years if I can get you into

21:33 hey maybe it will work hey maybe I'm ready maybe I should try this maybe I do deserve this that singular switch in your mindset motivates you encourages you to take action and that's critical because without action your problems are not going away without action those dreams are not coming true without action you are not healing the crap that's giving you pain when you change your mindset it doesn't make those challenges disappear it changes your ability to face them and so I'm going to teach you and I'm going to teach Brandy remember that question she wants how do I reset the smell how do I stop doubting myself well

22:19 I'm going to teach you how to do a mindset reset because the fact is you can change your mindset you are not stuck with the thoughts that you think you are not stuck with the way that you feel you can make your mind a place that supports you yes you can start to see possibility where you never saw any possibility or hope before so now that you know what a mindset is and the fact that it impacts the actions that you do or don't take I now want to prove to you that your mind is super flexible it is so easily programmed I mean I can't even work my television remote and I can teach you how to change the filter in your brain and your brain right now is trying its best to change

23:04 in real time to help you and I'm going to prove that to you too and I'm also going to give you an example of just how flexible your mind is how quickly you can change it and when you start to realize holy cow Mel's rate my mind is easier to program than a television remote holy cow I I never even realized this just you buckle up and wait because your mind has been dying for you to learn what you're about to learn so let's prove to you that your mind is at the ready to change to help you okay and I'm going to give you an example that I am sure you have experienced in your life before and here's the example buying a new car

23:49 have you ever had an experience where you either were looking or shopping for a new car or you were in your family somebody was right or you became interested in a new car they're releasing this brand new Bronco okay and now you're super interested in it I am personally in this boat right now I drive a nine-year-old car 2014. I love this car but it's time it seems like the engine light is on every other week and every time I take it to get fixed it's like a 500 Bill and so the thing is paid off but I'm like you know nine years maybe it's time it's getting to the point I love my car but maybe I should get a new car and the truth is I'm not really a car person I don't really give

24:35 a [ __ ] about cars I just want the car to be comfortable I want it to work I want it to be reliable I want the seats to have heaters in them and the steering wheel to be a heater seat heater thingy I always mix those words up but I that's kind of what I care about so I don't really think about cars but you want to know what the second I started truly considering maybe it's time to get a new car do you know what I saw everywhere I'm like holy cow there are a lot of cars in this Tiny Town in southern Vermont that I live in cars are everywhere and then as I started to hone in on the new Bronco does everybody and their mother Drive the new Bronco it's like it's the only car on the road the two-door the four-door the soft top the hard top the

25:20 gray one the red one the green one like they're everywhere now here's the thing a couple months ago when I was happily driving my nine-year-old car before the brake light has been on consistently for three months a few months ago I had never seen a Bronco up here in southern Vermont the only Bronco that I had ever seen was the one that my brother bought a year ago and he lives in Chicago but now that I'm interested in Broncos I see them everywhere and the second that I got excited about that sort of silvery blue one with the soft top I couldn't believe it Jesse who runs video production for us her husband drives one I didn't even

26:05 notice that they had a Bronco and now everybody has not only a Bronco but that color and I want you to think about a time that this has happened to you where you started to get interested in something and then it's like whammo overnight you see it everywhere maybe it was a handbag that you were really interested in or a certain style of shoe or sneaker you know the new Converse ones with the really like inch tall uh sole on them all of a sudden those things were everywhere or the Birkenstocks you know the Birkenstocks that have the covered toe it's like those were popular 30 years ago and now every single college student and 20 something is wearing them uh bangs uh the second I wanted curtain bangs it's like does everybody have curtain

26:52 bangs suddenly everybody that I now see has curtain bags never even noticed them before or you hear a song and you tune in you're like oh I love that song that song is so cool and suddenly you hear the song playing in every restaurant maybe you haven't shopped for a car but I bet when you were looking at colleges it's like wait a minute does everybody have a Michigan sweatshirt does everybody's parents go there is there a sticker that says University of Michigan on every car is it just me or is that the only College in town it's the same thing if you want to have a baby as soon as you are trying to get pregnant you know what happens you see kids and pregnant women everywhere it's like there were only adults on the planet and people that weren't pregnant and then you want a baby and boom it's

27:38 in your face or how about this one you want to fall in love what do you see you see couples in love it's so annoying it happens instantaneously you know what that is that phenomenon where all of a sudden overnight you see something everywhere that is your mind changing in real time that is a filter in your brain paying attention to what it thinks you are excited about or interested in and it's changing what it's showing you in the world around you and here's the crazy thing about your mind and this is why this science is so exciting when you

28:25 understand it oh my God here's the crazy part you ready the Broncos the bangs the Birkenstocks the babies they were always there all around you you just didn't notice them you want to know why because they were not important to you the fact that you suddenly see those things everywhere that is an example and it is proof that your brain wiring is changing in real time and your mind is trying to help you your mind is showing you the Broncos that have always been there it's like it's highlighting it with a highlighter why because it became important to you why

29:11 would your mind let you see things sometimes but not others why are you suddenly seeing the covered toe Birkenstocks now but you didn't see them for the last five years that's a great question and this brings us to the topic of the filter in your mind oh I'm so excited for you to learn this so there is a filter in your mind it is called the reticular activating system the reticular activating system I'm going to call this the RAS okay here's the visual because you know your friend Mel loves visuals and metaphors to make this stuff easy I want you to imagine that there is a hair net over your brain

29:56 this hair net is a live network of neurons and it is constantly changing in real time and this Ras this network of neuron hair net that sits over your brain as a filter it has one job a very important job mind you the RAS has to determine in real time I'm talking nanoseconds what information it should allow into your conscious mind for you to see and register and what information it will block out from your conscious mind another way that you can think about the RAS is think about it like a bouncer in your brain and the reason why you need a bouncer is because life is sort of like a very

30:43 popular nightclub everybody wants to get in and because there's so much and so many people and so many things showing up at a very popular nightclub trying to jam their way in the door you need a bouncer who is deciding who gets in and who has to stand in that long line freezing their ass off in an outfit that is not appropriate for winter trying to get in okay so let's go back to the example of the car and the purses and the babies and and the University of Michigan stickers that you suddenly see everywhere the truth is all that stuff all the cars on the road all the handbags people have the hairstyles it was already there it

31:30 was already in your subconscious you quote saw it but the RAS didn't allow you to register it it shoved it right in that line it did not let it into your conscious mind the RAS is the bouncer it determines what is it that is important enough to Mel Robbins that we are going to let it right in and have her think about it holy [ __ ] there's another Bronco I'm not getting the blue gray color now because that's like the third one I've seen today in fact I don't even know that if I want a Bronco anymore and I don't think I want bangs anymore either because it looks like every single person that I meet has bangs this is how the bouncer in your mind works it literally has a guest list and you're the one that writes the guest list out

32:16 what is on the guest list of your mind anything that is important to you okay all the other yahoos that are not on the list all the other colleges that are on stickers on every other car Dartmouth Harvard Brown uh University of Wittenberg not even noticing those why because you're thinking about University of Michigan so all those other college stickers they're waiting in line they're not getting in that bouncer won't let them in but boom there's a University of Michigan short skirt come on you're going in that's how it works and so this is super super important and it's really exciting okay it's really exciting because when you understand that there's this electric hair net on your brain called the RAS that works

33:01 like a bouncer at a popular nightclub we can tell that bouncer what you want who you want to let in it's that simple and there's another important reason for the res and why you need a bouncer okay and the reason is information overload it's just impossible for the human brain to consciously process all the data that is literal that is coming in through all five senses if you just take a second and look around and if you're driving a car please do not take your eyes off the road but look around wherever you are right now there is so much stuff all around you whether it's 50 license plates on the road ahead every single make and model of the car

33:47 road signs as you're passing the speedometer the music input coming in feeling your rear end on the seat the air blowing out of the vents all that happening in a car the the perfume somebody's wearing all that stuff is information coming into your brain if you're sitting at a home office or you're sitting at home think about all the books I'm looking up at our production calendar there's all these bazillion Post-it notes and I've got Jesse standing right there and I've got six chairs and my purse and uh oh there's a kitchen towel that I just noticed on the floor of our office just laying there just I must have carried it up just a dish towel laying there in the office

34:33 now I'm focused on it because I put my attention on it but your Ras cannot allow you to consciously process absolutely everything you can hear smell feel taste what's the other one smell taste touch can't do it your head would explode and so your Ras this this bouncer with the list of what's important to you it has to decide every nanosecond of every day what it's going to let in and what it's going to block out and so this is important because the way that it programs what comes into your conscious mind is based on what it thinks is important to you

35:18 that's it what it thinks is important to you and here is where the life-changing opportunity is for you and me and everybody that you know when you get intentional about purposefully telling this bouncer what you want to see whether it's Broncos or it's a certain handbag or heck now it's the University of Colorado that bouncer will change up the list the RAS reprograms itself in real time it changes the filter this is a live Network in your brain it changes in real time to help you see those things that are important to you

36:05 that's what you're experiencing when you suddenly see the car that you're interested in all over the road and today you're going to learn how to use that scientific neurological fact to your advantage because you're going to give yourself a mindset reset so let me recap what we've learned so far because it's a lot number one your mindset is like a pair of sunglasses it filters the way you see yourself the world your future absolutely everything your mindset triggers whether or not you take action or you don't take action at all the second thing that you've learned is that when you change the lens through which you view the world

36:52 from something pessimistic and darker to a world view that is more Rosy and action oriented it's going to lead to a happier and more action-oriented life and this is according to both research and Common Sense third you've now learned that there is this filter in your brain the super cool thing called the reticular activating system it changes in real time it is flexible it is alive it is a network of neurons acting like a bouncer keeping people out of your mind letting some things in and right now it's only acting based on what it thinks is important to you and fourth you have learned that when you get serious and intentional about what you want to see whether it's

37:39 babies or Broncos or its bangs this filter in your brain will change in real time to help you achieve it period full stop this is science now we're going to take a second and hear a quick word from our sponsors but when you come back to me I'm going to explain how your mindset is connected to that filter in your brain and I have a super simple really cool little tool that you're going to start using today to put this science around your filter to work and your brain is going to start working for you we'll be right back okay so let me just set the table again I like to do that because when I listen to podcasts and I hear all the ads I completely forget what we've talked

38:24 about by the time I get back to the show so we've been talking about your mindset and we've also started to scratch a surface at this thing called the reticular activating system this is that live filter in your brain that is flexible and capable of changing in a nanosecond to help you so now I want to go a layer deeper and I want to start to apply this flexibility in your filter to changing your mindset so let's start with this question from a listener named Peter hey this is Peter from Washington uh I was just wondering how do I get past my doubts and maintain a positive mindset thanks Mel thanks Peter so I want to focus on one aspect of your question and that is where you said getting past your doubts this is where the science gets really interesting

39:12 because your belief about yourself is a mindset I'm going to say that again your belief about yourself filters how you see the world and I'm going to give you an example you use the word Peter self-doubt if you have a lot of self-doubt you question yourself you criticize yourself you hold yourself back what color do you think the lenses on your sunglasses are I'm not trying to be silly here I'm trying to make this intellectual topic very tangible and understandable if you have a lot of self-doubt what what is the color of the lenses on the sunglasses because this is where the filter in your

39:59 brain starts to become programmed by your mindset now I said earlier that your filter focuses on showing you what it thinks is important to you how does it know what's important to you I'll tell you I said earlier that the RAS that filter its sole job is showing you what it thinks is important to you so it begs a question right Peter if you haven't been intentional at least you didn't think you were about telling the filter what to show you how the hell does it know what to show you well it shows you whatever you spend your time energy thoughts and attention focused on so going back to your question about self-doubt if you doubt yourself right

40:46 you put a lot of energy into doubting yourself it's not just one thought you probably do it all day long your thoughts are critical you hesitate you don't speak up you hold yourself back all of that is energy that makes your Ras think that doubting yourself is important if you doubt yourself and you go into work you know what happens to you at work you don't see the 15 things that you do right you know what you obsess over the one thing you've done wrong that one email that you sent that was a screw-up that one customer that you didn't quite do a good job with the one thing you've done wrong is all that you can focus on

41:32 well when you start to doubt yourself this is where the RAS starts to make it worse because your Ras sees you spending so much energy and mental fuel in criticizing doubting and hesitating and so your Ras thinks oh my gosh ding ding ding Peter thinks it's important for him to see what's wrong and so your Ras blocks the 15 things that you did right you know what you did today Peter you sent 32 emails great job you didn't see it though you did a great job with those five customers you're not giving yourself credit though you were amazing in that meeting earlier not getting credit for that either but the one email the one email that bouncers like come to the front of the line I'll take the email that is negative with the short skirt and that

42:19 email is getting in just like a dark pair of sunglasses Shades everything when you doubt yourself it Shades your mindset towards self-doubt and then your brain gets involved when the email from your boss comes in hey can you stop by my office before you leave today how do you think Peter's Ras interprets that email if he doubts himself I'll tell you how when he reads can you stop by my office before you leave today his Ras goes oh [ __ ] because you've trained it to look for things that aren't right by putting so much time and energy into focusing on your self-doubt you are also

43:06 training the filter in your brain to filter out everything that's going right and to focus only on the one thing that's going wrong thereby magnifying the self-doubt let's go back to an earlier example remember that pessimistic friend sitting on the beach that's bitching that lunch doesn't come or that pessimistic relative that is bitching about the family member that's halfway across the tent it's all they see they can't even see the beautiful water or the happy couple or anything else good why because their pessimism is what has programmed their reticular activating system this is how mindset and the filter in your brain get linked

43:53 they become fused together all you see is the reasons you should doubt yourself it's how you feel so first it starts with a mindset you're thinking negative thoughts and then your filter gets involved and next thing you know you're just seeing more and more and more and more reasons to doubt yourself and here's something that you may be thinking right now why is my brain doing this to me why is my brain against me your brain is not working against you it's just responding to where your mindset and all your energy is going that's it it follows your energy and your focus and this is the good news okay if you get intentional about searching

44:38 for reasons to feel proud or for the small wins the 15 32 emails that you sent the good things that you did the places where you're showing up your mind will spin like a top and all of a sudden just like you saw Broncos and babies and Birkenstocks instead of seeing the one thing that you did wrong you will see the 15 things that you did right this is not a joke it's hard science this also by the way ties right back into the endless science about the power of a gratitude practice a gratitude practice is a way to train your mind a gratitude practice is teaching the RAS that being grateful and taking times to savor Beautiful Moments and focusing on things

45:24 that you're really proud of and you appreciate that that's important to you so you see more of it that's how this all works hand in hand and I want to give you one more example okay because I think this is challenging at times to see in ourselves because we're so used to seeing the world through a certain lens that we don't even realize we're wearing sunglasses but it is kind of easy to spot in other people so here's one more example about how your own beliefs and mindset about yourself or a situation that you're in can become paralyzing because the filter in your brain keeps the mindset in place okay so think about somebody that you love who's single

46:11 and they are desperate to meet the right person and the longer they stay single the more and more insecure they get by the day and when you see them you see a person who is smart who's awesome who's hilarious who's loyal who's sexy who's amazing who would be the most incredible person to be in a relationship with but I want you to just imagine that the color of the lens on your glasses when you look through your belief about them it's completely different than the color of the lens on their glasses when day in and day out all this person can think is why can't I find

46:57 somebody I'll never find somebody why does everybody else have somebody I see all my friends getting approached at the bars I see my friends getting asked out why am I not getting asked out what you've now learned about the mindset and belief about yourself and the way your filter responds in real time is the more energy you put into a negative narrative like this it's never going to work out for me nobody's ever going to love me I am unlovable everybody else has a date I'm never going to have a date the more that mindset and that belief becomes a self-fulfilling situation why because you're putting so much energy into the negative that the filter in your brain is now going to filter the world in a way to reinforce the negative story

47:43 when you walk into a bar all you're going to see are all the couples you're not even going to focus on all the other people that are single that you should walk up and talk to that's the bouncer in your brain aligning with where your energy is this also explains why you as the friend see the opposite and you can tell the person over and over and over again you need to calm down you're amazing you are going to find an amazing person you're it's not that you're not going to meet somebody you just haven't met the right person yet it's the exact same situation but because both of you have different mindsets and beliefs about the situation you see it through a different lens and you both Believe by the way that your belief is the truth

48:29 and this simple example highlights how your mindset and how you view the world impacts the filter in your brain because the more that this carries on for your friend the less your friend is going to put themselves out there because they're slowly convincing themselves that this is never going to happen so why bother and the more that you see them pulling back the more that your belief is going to become but you need to but you're the one holding your back see the filter in your brain it's either going to make the situation worse or and this is what I want to teach you it can make it better but that depends on your ability to get serious about programming it because wouldn't you love it if your friend who wanted to meet somebody

49:14 would still have a positive mindset or a Rosy Outlook so that they don't just latch onto some loser because you would probably do anything to make sure that this friend of yours this person that you love would maintain a positive mindset and a Rosy Outlook why do you want them to maintain that I'll tell you why because your mindset dictates your actions and if you can stay positive if you can stay optimistic if you can keep saying to yourself there is nothing wrong with me I just haven't met the right person yet but one of these days the right person will walk in and in the meantime I'm just going to keep being me if they can get intentional about creating that mindset a number of things are going to happen they're not going to become insecure they're not going to start acting all weird around people and they are not going to latch on to some loser just because they're starting to convince

50:00 themselves that they're desperate and this is their only option because we both know that's not true there's 8 billion people in the world and right now the right one has not walked into your life but they will if you can maintain a positive attitude and the secret is training the RAS and catching your negative mindset and swapping it out for a more positive one because as you're learning the thoughts that you think dictate the world that you see the way that you feel and the actions that you take noticing this that you have a mindset that's holding you back that's the first step second asking yourself if it's serving you that's the second step and the third step you just got to get serious about making your mind work for you because you can

50:48 if you're breathing you can change this even if your default is negative and pessimistic you can teach yourself to be optimistic and I'm going to give you one more example if you are somebody that loves social media if you've ever seen the Instagram explore page or The Tick Tock discover page you'll notice that it changes in real time because those pages are filters and they respond to what it thinks is important to you so if you click on a puppy all of a sudden that discover page it's going to be all puppy videos I went through this phase where I was really into like long nails and suddenly that discover page went from puppies to long nails and it doesn't matter if you accidentally click on Beyonce videos or on some other thing

51:35 wedding videos the algorithm is going to think that that's what you want to see so suddenly that's all that you see and it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy your brain's the same way once you focus on something your brain starts showing you more my daughter had this huge breakthrough about how she felt about herself based on social media and on her brain because she realized oh my God my explore page it's all fitness models and its fitness models that are in photos of waist trainers and wearing body makeup and taking these crazy filtered photos in these contorted positions to make themselves look like they have a waste that's two inches small I mean of course she felt like [ __ ] about her body why because she was

52:20 seeing it over and over and over again and so her brain started thinking oh well this must matter to you and then the social media Pages start aggregating it and showing you more and more and more and so as that all starts to happen you start to believe that everybody on the planet is the size of your pinky finger which then of course invalidates the fact that you have this big beautiful amazing strong body and you look fabulous but it doesn't matter because it doesn't match all this crap that's being shown in your face this is how your brain works too and you got to get on top of this so before we walk through the mindset reset process when these thoughts pop in here's a pro tip get serious about what accounts you follow I mean you definitely want to follow the Mel Robbins podcast to Mel Robbins because everything we put up is a way to

53:06 train your brain to work for you but when we come back I'm going to give you the simple exercise backed by research that is astonishing because when you start to put it to use you will experience your brain changing in real time welcome back we've been talking about mindset the filter in your brain called the res and how to give yourself a mindset reset look I want to also say one thing to you this stuff is kind of heady so I'm doing my best to keep this like fun and visual because when you get lost in thought it's going to be hard to apply this and so first of all I want to commend you for sticking with this because now we're going to dig into the exercise I wanted you to have the understanding because oftentimes I

53:52 personally find that if somebody just throws a science back tip or exercise or tool or tactic or strategy at me it sounds so dumb on the surface that without the underlying kind of research and mechanics and science that explains why this simple thing works you will literally roll your eyes and not do it so now that you have that background I'm going to reward you with the exercise that I want you to practice and this one is simple so if your cynical vehicle if you're really smart if you're analytical it will sound stupid but I want you to hang in there because there is a really powerful thing going on in your neural Pathways when you try this and it's also an incredibly cool and fun thing to do

54:37 with your family with your friends in fact I get texts from people all over the world who are doing it and my kids who do not live with us are two adult daughters they constantly text me pictures of what I'm about to ask you to do so I promise you it's worth trying this is an exercise called looking for hearts and this is how you play it every single day when you wake up you are going to go on a scavenger hunt in your day-to-day life and you are going to try to find a naturally occurring heart shape somewhere in the world it could be a cloud that's shaped like a heart you could look at your coffee and see that the foam on top has made the shape of a heart you might get out of your car and you'll see a stain on the

55:24 floor or a leaf that's the shape of a heart I constantly constantly see rocks I see heart shapes in the top of mountain ranges I see the shape of hearts in brick buildings all the time in terms of the different colors of bricks and here's what's interesting about this what you'll realize is that there are probably 10 000 heart shapes that are around you in your day-to-day life the stain on the carpet the spot on your dog's back the tear in a pair of pants the shape of a leaf they're everywhere they're absolutely everywhere and right now you walk right by him why well because they're not important to you you have not told the bouncer of your brain to let the hearts in to the

56:10 nightclub so you are walking right past all these things and they are actively being blocked out it is not in your conscious mind the second you start playing this game find a heart you will experience something amazing you will experience your brain going to work for you and so here's how I want you to play this because I do want you to play this every single day this is truly not a game about finding hearts this is about training your mind this is a game where you are telling your mind I am the freaking boss bouncer of the mind I pay your salary you are going to do what I tell you to do you are going to find me a heart

56:57 and if you want to get paid you are going to find me a heart that is your job today find me a heart so get intentional about that and then I want you to go through your life and just let a heart shape in and when you see it here's what I want you to do and if you're really analytical you're going to think this is the cheesiest damn thing you've ever heard but I want you to do this because there's Neuroscience involved when you see that heart I want you to pause and I want you to really stare at it for a minute you can take a photo of it if it's a rock you can pick it up or a leaf and take it with you because I want you to reward your brain for being flexible

57:44 and for trying to help you I want you to take that moment for real as cheesy as this sounds the foam on the top of your coffee the shadow on the floor I want you to take a minute and really savor it and literally just go holy [ __ ] there it is that's pretty cool yesterday I walked right past this and I didn't even see it thank you mind wow you you just changed in real time you just let something in that I asked you to let that in and if you really want to super size this if you're somebody that's really struggling with a sense of self-worth or hope or really believing that you can turn things around I want you

58:32 to look at that and tell yourself that that was placed there for you to find that this was placed there because you needed to see evidence that it is in fact possible to change the way you think it is in fact possible to tell your mind what you want to see more evidence of and for your mind to work for you and once you see one heart you will start seeing Hearts everywhere the more hearts that you see the more that you are connecting into magic the more that you realize that your brain is trying very hard to help you it is going to point out hearts in the Moss it's going to point out hearts on the sidewalk

59:17 you're going to see hearts on people's clothing you're going to see them in paintings it's weird they're like everywhere it's as if there is this entire world that you and I live in and we walk by it every single day and I think that's true about everything that you want that there is evidence all around you that things are working out that people are trying to help you if you're willing to see it you know at the end of the day finding Hearts is not about finding Hearts it is about something so much bigger because it's proof that you can change the wiring in your mind you can manipulate and program this filter the RAS to make it work for you and every time you see a heart it is evidence that it is true and so it's

1:00:04 important because this is the first step of a mindset reset because if you didn't think Hmm my mind can change it can allow me to see the world differently if I can't get you to see and experience that you will never even bother trying thought substitution and I will say there is something that some of you may experience so this comes from native in Germany and she wrote you know Mel I loved what you said about looking for hearts and I've been trying it and I even saw two hearts within an hour but then I got nervous and was almost afraid to find them

1:00:51 so how do you overcome the fear of making things better I relate to this because we're used to the way that things are we're used to the default programming in our minds even if it makes us miserable and when you start to catch a glimpse of how things could be different I think sometimes if you've experienced a tremendous amount of Heartache or you've tried so many times to put yourself out there the idea of believing again that it's worth trying again that that is what's scary here's what I have to say to you

1:01:38 this is not about hope this is hard science because you're living with programming right now and I am here to tell you it's outdated in fact when you start to really play around with this next piece of how you change the way that you think you're going to realize that you're not even listening to your voice you're listening to someone else's voice it's probably your mom's or your dad's or in other caregivers because that negativity that's in your mind that chips away at you that default programming that you don't

1:02:25 even really hear for me I call it my campaign of misery I did not create this when I was six or seven or eight I was taught this and so you're going to start to realize that not only do you have the power to change the filter yes you can see reasons to be happy yes you can spot wins instead of reasons why you're a loser yeah you can pay more attention to the people in your life that make you feel great instead of chasing the ones that make you feel like crap you can change all of this you can make your mind work for you but what you're going to realize very quickly is holy cow like there's this default thing in my mind that's like fighting my desire to be happy it's fighting my desire to win and so that's where we're gonna go next

1:03:11 because there is an entirely different reality one of the reasons why I always say to you is I love you I believe in you I believe in your ability to create a better life the reason why I say that to you all the freaking time and I mean it is because I know you don't say that to yourself and I didn't say that to myself for a long time either and I don't need to meet you to say I love you because Love Is A Verb love is how you show up in the world this podcast is an act of love for me it is a way to connect with you it's a way for me to support you and Empower you and I show up here because I do believe in you you I don't care what's happened to you you cannot convince me that you

1:03:57 cannot change I have way too much evidence on my side you only have your experience I've got an army of a million people that I've seen change and so I know you can change because I know you can take the actions to make your mind a better place you can take the actions to make your life feel better you can take the actions to improve your relationship with yourself and this is the most exciting part this is the thing I am working on myself day in and day out you can take the actions that reclaim your brain that reprogram your mind and that make your mindset and your thoughts work for you

1:04:42 I mean all this [ __ ] is made up that we're saying anyway so if you can think bad thoughts why not think good ones does it actually make you happy to tell yourself that you suck and that there's something wrong with you and is it even true so if you can make that crap up if you can adopt what somebody else says about can't you make up your own of course you can and so let's get to that substitution diet this is the Mel Robbins way to describe what researchers call cognitive bias modification it's literally catching default thoughts and substituting something better and one of the best example of this is the next time that you start obsessing

1:05:28 obsessing over what could go wrong what if I don't like it what if it doesn't work what if I get rejected what if it did it what if I look stupid what if they judge me what if this would say this what if it works out what if it works out the more you say out loud what if it works out you substitute the negative [ __ ] with something positive what if it works out I mean can you argue with me on that one what if it works out I didn't say it will work out I said what if it does because you don't know whether it's going to work out or not do you and when you allow your default wiring to filter the world with the belief and the thought that

1:06:15 what if it doesn't work out what if I fail what if this what if that those thoughts filter the world a certain way the thought what if it doesn't work out makes you not apply it makes you not write that book it makes you not go to the gym it makes you sit home alone those thoughts are filtering your experience of Life a particular way and because the filter in your brain is paying attention to what you care about it believes that's what you want so as you scan the world around you you see reasons why it's not going to work out didn't happen last time it's a weird world after the pandemic

1:07:01 I don't want to embarrass myself I feel uncomfortable when you start to engage in thought substitution what if it all works out what if leaving my house is the best decision I've made in a decade what if I meet the person that I was destined to meet what if going to 90 meetings in 90 days at AAA changes my life what if it all works out see how that mindset switch cognitive bias modification see how that leads you to feeling more encouraged what if I make these 10 cold calls and nobody takes the call but I'm okay

1:07:50 what if I walk up to this house that I think is going to go on the market and I knock on the door and it turns out I buy it before it comes on the market what if I get into my dream School you're more likely to apply if you're like what if it does work out and this is why this is so important because your brain is paying attention to what's important to you and I don't think any of us have a clue how much air time we give to negative thinking to beating ourselves down to assuming that life is going against you to thinking something's wrong to beating yourself up to comparing yourself to other people

1:08:38 and when you start to pay attention to two facts number one your mind is trying to help you and number two when you figure out what's important to you and you make it a priority your mind will adjust in real time and help you see an entirely new world and when you see that it's possible that you could get into your dream school that's a whole new world when you see that it's possible that you'll make the best friends of your life in the next year of your life A Whole New World Is Possible when you see that you can not only get your dream job but you can land your dream job and it has a bonus A Whole New World Is Possible

1:09:24 and it begins with two simple things I want you to do look for hearts so you experience that a whole new world is possible that there's a world that you're walking by every day this is critical I do this every single day and you know it sounds like such a dumb thing and I often think about you know this moment where a reporter's like so what's your secret to success and I'm like look I look for a heart every day I mean it sounds so stupid doesn't it but what I'm actually saying is I am actively engaged in the process of training my brain just like you would lift weights or resist weights or whatever it is that you do if you want biceps you are training your body to be strong I'm

1:10:10 training my mind every single day to work for me and every time I see a heart it's a reminder oh yeah my brain will tell me what I want it to tell me and so I can either let the campaign a misery take control of my Ras or I can tell my brain no it is important to be happy it is important to feel like I'm winning it's important to put myself out there in light I need some help with this brain and so the hearts for me is a simple way to explain this profound amount of research out there and put it into practical use and this idea of a substitution diet for the [ __ ] you've been thinking forever that no longer serves you

1:10:55 that's a simple way for me to explain to you you you're not stuck with the thoughts that you think that idea right there that's the whole thing that's everything

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